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How I met your mother quotes :)

Barney: It's gonna be Legen-wait for it-DARY!


Barney: Ted, tonight we're gonna go out. We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be *legendary*. Phone-five!

[slaps cell-phone]

Barney: You didn't phone-five, did you?


Barney: I know when you don't phone-five Ted.


Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?

Not Moby: Who?

Ted: The recording artist, Moby.

Not Moby: Oh, no.

Ted: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?

Not Moby: Oh, I thought you said Tony.

Ted: So your name's Tony?

Not Moby: No.


Barney: Haaaaave you met Ted?


Victoria: I've only had two boyfriends before, Ted.

Robin: Prude alert!

Victoria: Well, two serious ones. I’ve dated others in between.

Robin: Slut alert!


Little girl: Do you have a fiancée?

Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.

Robin: Oh no, I don’t have a fiancée.

Little girl: Then who do you live with?

Robin: Well, actually, I’ve got five dogs.

Little girl: Don’t you get lonely?

Robin: No, I’ve got five dogs.

Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.

Robin: Well, yeah, that’s cats, I’m not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – does anybody else have questions?

Little boy: Are you a lesbian?

Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.


[Robin complains about Marshall's depression after Lily leaves him.]

Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating, we agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.

Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!


Robin: [Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.

Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...

Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.

Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Robin: Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.

Lily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.

Robin: That's why I need your help!

Okay I need to stop now :P

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Sonny With A Chance quotes

Sonny Munroe: Why are you helping me?

Chad Dylan Cooper: I'm not helping. I just wanted to try on the beard.

Sonny Munroe: Sounds like somebody cares.

Chad Dylan Cooper: Somebody wanted to try on a weird beard.

Sonny Munroe: Cares!

Chad Dylan Cooper: Beards!

Sonny Munroe: Cares!

Chad Dylan Cooper: Beards!

Sonny Munroe: Cares!

Chad Dylan Cooper: Beards!

Sonny Munroe: Beards!

Chad Dylan Cooper: Cares!

Sonny Munroe: Gotcha!"

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Shortland Street.

Lana: I found a flat.

Jonathan: Where?

Lana: At Daniels.

Jonathan: I'm sorry what?

Gabby: She said at Daniels.

Lana: He heard me the first time.

Gabby: Then why did you say you didn't?

(After Hunter nearly trips on Evans bag)

Hunter: Is that your bag?

Evan: Yes.

Hunter: Dickhead!

Vinnie: I'm Vinnie Kruse. That's pronounced croo-SAY, like in Crusaders, but without the "ders".

Lana to Bella: You don't have Asperger's; you're just thick.

Bella: I have Asperger's Syndrome.

Brooke: Congratulations!

Brooke (to Winston a few moments later): I don't know about the 'Pergers, but the As(s) part certainly fits!

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Desperate Housewives.

Season 5. Title: If It's Only In Your Head.

Lynette: I went to the doctor today.

Tom: What's wrong?

Lynette: I'm pregnant.

Tom: Pregnant?... With a baby?

Lynette: How long have you been sniffing those markers? Of course with a baby.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Desperate Housewives.

Season 5. Title: If It's Only In Your Head.

Lynette: I went to the doctor today.

Tom: What's wrong?

Lynette: I'm pregnant.

Tom: Pregnant?... With a baby?

Lynette: How long have you been sniffing those markers? Of course with a baby.

All I did after watching this was LAUGH MY HEAD OFF :lol:

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  • 3 weeks later...

From the Japanese version of Love Hina, episode 9:

Kitsune (randomly wearing a long coat and a deerstalker): My mystery-loving blood is boiling! It's the Case of the Cash Stolen From a Sealed Room at the Hinata Apartments! And I, Sherlock Holmes, will solve the mystery! (To Su) Come along, Watson!

Kaolla Su: Book 'em Danno!

Keitaro: I think you're playing the wrong part, Su...

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Shortland Street

Bella: Felt sorry for Quade Cooper being booed

Vinnie: He's just doing his job

Bella: Aye?

Vinnie: He's a Maori boy we sent him to Australia as a secret agent

Bella: No

Vinnie: Well you think he made all those mistakes by accident? *Vinnie laughs*

Bella: So do we have a secret weapon for the French?

Vinnie: Yes. *whispers* Cory Jane and Richie McCaw's foot, there's nothing wrong with it, someone better polish up that cup!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Some favourites from Doctor Who (in no particular order):

River: I have questions, but number one is this: What in the name of sanity have you got on your head?

The Doctor: It's a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.

[Amy takes the fez and throws it in the air, and River blasts it into smithereens.]

Dalek: Records indicate you will show mercy. You are an associate of the Doctor.

River Song: I'm River Song. Check your records again. [aims for the eye-stalk]

Dalek: [uneasily] ... Mercy?

River Song: [menacingly sweet] Say it again.

Dalek: Mercy!

River Song: One more time.

Dalek: Mercy!!!

[Cut to River rejoining Amy and Rory]

Amy: What happened to the Dalek?

River: [coldly] It died.

The Doctor: I've got a time machine, Dorium. It's all still going on, for me it never stops. Liz the First is still waiting in a glade to elope with me. I can help Rose Tyler with her homework. I can go on all Jack's stag parties in one night!

Young Kazran: If you're my new babysitter, why are you climbing in the window?

The Doctor: Because if I was climbing out of the window, I'd be going in the wrong direction. Pay attention.

Young Kazran: Are you really a babysitter?

The Doctor: I think you'll find that I'm universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult. [shows him the psychic paper]

Young Kazran: ...It's just a lot of wavy lines.

The Doctor: [looks at the paper] ...Yeah, it shorted out. Finally, a lie too big. Okay, no, not really a babysitter, but this Christmas Eve, you don't want a real one. You want me.

Young Kazran: Why? What's so special about you?

The Doctor: Have you ever seen Mary Poppins?

Young Kazran: No.

The Doctor: Good, because that comparison would have been rubbish.

Ace: But this is Earth, 1963. Well someone would've noticed [a spaceship landing], I'd have heard about it!

The Doctor: Do you remember the Zygon gambit with the Loch Ness monster? Or the Yetis in the underground?

Ace: The what?

The Doctor: Your species has the most amazing capacity for self-deception, matched only by its ingenuity when trying to destroy itself.

Davros: We shall become all-

The Doctor: Powerful! Crush the lesser races! Conquer the galaxy! UNIMAGINABLE POWER! UNLIMITED RICE PUDDING! Et cetera! Et cetera!

The Doctor: Don't you see what this is going to mean to all the people who come to serve Klieg the all powerful? Why, no country, no person would dare to have a single thought that was not your own. Eric Klieg's own conception of the, of the way of life!

Eric Klieg: Brilliant! Yes, yes, you're right. Master of the world.

The Doctor: Well now I know you're mad, I just wanted to make sure.

The Doctor: Go to your room! Go to your room! I mean it. I'm very, very angry with you. I'm very, very cross! GO! TO! YOUR! ROOM! [The children lurch away and obey him.] I'm really glad that worked. Those would have been terrible last words.

Romana: My name is Romanadvoratrelundar.

The Doctor: I'm so sorry about that, is there anything we can do?

The Doctor:One more thing—-your name.

Romana: What about my name?

The Doctor: It's too long. By the time I've called out, 'Look out'—what's your name?

Romana: Romanadvoratrelundar

The Doctor: By the time I've called that out, you could be dead! I'll call you Romana.

Romana: I don't like Romana.

The Doctor: It's either Romana or Fred.

Romana: All right, call me Fred!

The Doctor: Good. Come on, Romana!

Romana: Newton? Who's Newton?

The Doctor: Old Isaac. Friend of mine on Earth. Discovered gravity. Well, I say he discovered gravity, I had to give him a bit of a prod.

Romana I: What did you do?

The Doctor: Climbed up a tree.

Romana I: And?

The Doctor: Dropped an apple on his head.

Romana I: Ah, and so he discovered gravity?

The Doctor: No, no. He told me to clear off out of his tree. I explained it to him afterwards at dinner.

Captain Jack Harkness: Okay, this can function as a sonic blaster, a sonic cannon, and a triple-fold sonic disruptor. Doc, what you got?

The Doctor: I've got a sonic, er, never mind.

Captain Jack Harkness: What?

The Doctor: It's sonic, okay, let's leave it at that.

Captain Jack Harkness: Disruptor? Cannon? What?

The Doctor: It's sonic, totally sonic. I am sonicked *up*!

Captain Jack Harkness: [yelling] A sonic *what*?

The Doctor: [yelling] *Screwdriver*!

Captain Jack Harkness: Who has a sonic screwdriver?

The Doctor: I do!

Captain Jack Harkness: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, "Ooh, this could be a little more sonic"?

The Doctor: What, you've never been bored? Never had a long night? Never had a lot of cabinets to put up?

The Doctor: Parked us? But we haven't landed!

River Song: Of course we've landed; I just landed her.

The Doctor: But it didn't make the noise.

River Song: What noise?

The Doctor: You know, the... [does an impression of the TARDIS materialisation sound]

River Song: It's not supposed to make that noise. You leave the brakes on.

The Doctor: Yes, well, it's a brilliant noise. I love that noise.

Mickey: What's a horse doing on a spaceship?

Doctor: Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective!

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Some big bang theory quotes

Sheldon: Howard?

Howard: Yeah?

Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?

Howard: What?

Sheldon: Bazinga, I don't care.

Sheldon: I promised Penny.

Leonard: Promised Penny what?

Sheldon: I wouldn't tell you the secret. (pause) Shhhhh!!!!

Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.

Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell dad.

Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.

Sheldon: I'M BATMAN!!!! SHHHH!!!

Sheldon: I'm not insane, my mother had me tested!

Leonard: What were you doing at Penny's?

Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, and you'll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of 'friends with benefits.'

Sheldon: Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at 8:00 and move my bowels at 8:20.

Leonard: Yes, how did we live before Twitter?

*Raj whispers in Leonard's ear*

Leonard: No! You can't watch Bridget Jones' Diary!

Sheldon: I need to sleep here tonight.

Rajesh: Why?

Sheldon: Howard is a total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.

Rajesh: OK, come in.

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Some highlights from My Little Pony: Frienship is Magic

Pinkie Pie: You see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were all, 'Hello,' and I was all, [gasp], remember? You see, I never saw you before, and if I never saw you before that means you're new, 'cause I know every pony, and I mean every pony in Ponyville, and if you're new, it means you haven't met anyone yet, and if you haven't met anyone yet, you must not have any friends, and if you don't have any friends you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, and I had an idea, and that's why I went [gasp], I'll just throw a great big ginormous super-duper spectacular welcome party and invite everyone in Ponyville. See? And now you have lots and lots of friends!

Twilight Sparkle:

Twilight Sparkle: I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her, but I don't know what they are, where to find them... I don't even know what they do!

Pinkie Pie: [looking on the shelf] "The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide".

Twilight Sparkle: How did you find that?

Pinkie Pie: [dance-bouncing, sing-song voice]

(The ponies are arguing over who should get Twilight's extra ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala)

Twilight Sparkle: Quiet!!!

(Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash shut up.)

Pinkie Pie: ...and then I said, "Oatmeal?! Are you crazy?!" ... Oh.

Twilight Sparkle: A.J., I think you're beating a dead... tree.

Twilight Sparkle: [referring to Applejack not accepting help with her apple orchard] Ugh. That pony is stubborn as a mule.

[a mule brays near her]

Twilight Sparkle: No offense.

Mule: None taken.

Twilight Sparkle: (to Applejack) Your applebucking hasn't just caused you problems. It's over-propelled pegasus, practically poisoned plenty of ponies, and terrorized bushels of brand-new bouncing baby bunnies!

Fluttershy: Umm, Pinkie Pie, about this party for Gilda, umm, do you really think its a good idea? I mean...

Pinkie Pie: Don't you worry your pretty little head about mean old Gilda! Your Auntie Pinkie Pie has it all taken care of! [hops off]

Fluttershy: (Annoyed)

Gilda: Hey. I'm watching you... like a hawk.

Pinkie Pie: Why? Can't you watch me like a griffon?

Twilight Sparkle: (Trying to get out of Trixie's challenge) Who, me? I'm just your run of the mill citizen of Ponyville. No powerful magic here. I, uh...

Rainbow Dash: (While trying to get through to a dragon who chose a bad place to sleep).

Pinkie Pie: (*blows raspberry with ruined party favor*)

Applejack: I'd like to tell ya'll the terrifying tale of the prissy ghost, who drove everypony crazy with her unnecessary neatness! OooooOOwwoOOO! I'm sure ya'll are familiar with that one?

Rarity: Never heard of it. But I have a much better one... It's the horrifying story of the messy inconsiderate ghost, who irritated everypony within a hundred miles! OoooooOOOwwwwOOOoo...

Applejack: That's not a real story. You made it up!

Rarity: It is a ghost story. They're all made up.

Twilight Sparkle: Okay, here's the plan. Rainbow Dash, you distract them.

Rainbow Dash: (screaming while being chased by parasprites) YAAAAAAHHHHH!!

Twilight Sparkle Good.

Spike: (seeing the bird's nest Twilight made) That nest needs to be condemned.

Rarity: Oh, Spike! It's not so bad. Uh ... Maybe the birds can use it as an ...

Spike: An outhouse?

(Rarity corners Fluttershy and forces her to tell her what she really thinks of the dress she's made.

Fluttershy: All right, since you really want to know, [deep breath] the armscye's tight, the middy collar doesn't go with the shawl lapel, the hems are clearly machine stitched, the pleats are uneven, the fabric looks like toile, you used a backstitch here when it clearly called for a topstitch or maybe a traditional blanket stitch, and the overall design is reminiscent of prêt-à-porter and not true French haute couture.

Rarity: [gasp]


Rarity: Leave me alone! I vant to be alone! I want to wallow in ... whatever it is that ponies are supposed to wallow in! Do ponies wallow in pity? Oh, listen to me, I don't even know what I'm supposed to wallow in! I'm so PATHETIC!

Twilight Sparkle: Now what do we do?

Fluttershy: Uh, panic?

Rainbow Dash: That's your answer for everything!

Applejack: Well, we can't just leave Rarity like this!

Pinkie Pie: She'll become a crazy cat lady!

Twilight Sparkle: She only has one cat.

Pinkie Pie: Give her time ...

Pinkie Pie: Hey, Applejack. Whatchya doin'?

Applejack: Takin' more apples to my new apple cellar. How 'bout you Pinkie? Whatchu doin'?

Pinkie Pie: Oh, letting Twilight secretly follow me all day, without me knowing.

Twilight Sparkle: You mean you knew all along?! Why didn't you tell me?

Pinkie Pie: (giggles) Silly, that would've spoiled the secret!

Rainbow Dash: Now, what have we learned?

Fluttershy: Loss of control...

Rainbow Dash: Good...

Fluttershy: Screaming and hollering...

Rainbow Dash: Yes. And most importantly...

Fluttershy: Passion.

Rainbow Dash: Right. So now that you know the elements of a good cheer, let's hear one!

Fluttershy: Yay.

Rainbow Dash: (groans) Ugh, you're gonna cheer for me like that? Louder!

Fluttershy: Yay.

Rainbow Dash: Louder!!

Fluttershy: Yay.

Rainbow Dash: LOUDER!!!

Fluttershy: (inhales deeply) Yaaaaay!...

Rainbow Dash: Ohh! (collapses in frustration)

Fluttershy: Too loud?

Sweetie Belle: Um, that doesn't look like a table.

Scootaloo: We were making a table?

Applebloom: Somepony needs to put this thing out of its misery.

Sweetie Belle: C'mon, guys! We're not gonna find the chicken or our cutie marks by arguing!

Apple Bloom: Maybe that's our special talent! Arguing!

Scootaloo: Is not!

Apple Bloom: Is too!

Scootaloo: Is not!

Apple Bloom: Is too! Anything yet?

Scootaloo: ... Nope.

Apple Bloom: Darn.

Scootaloo: Is not!

Apple Bloom: Is too!

Scootaloo: Is not!

Apple Bloom: Is too!

Sweetie Belle: Girls! Our special talent is not arguing. Besides, what would the cutie mark of somepony whose talent is arguing even look like?

Spike: [while riding Twilight Sparkle] I'm coming for you, my lady. Hi ho, Twilight! Away!

Twilight Sparkle: And just what do you think you're doing?

Spike: Please, Twilight. Just give me this.

Twilight Sparkle: *groans* Fine.

Pinkie Pie: Twilight! You promised Spike you wouldn't say anything. He trusts you. And losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend forever!

Twilight Sparkle: But—

Pinkie Pie: FOREVER!

Twilight Sparkle:

Rainbow Dash: Pssst! Pinkie Pie.. you asleep yet?

Pinkie Pie: No, are you asleep yet?

Rainbow Dash: If I was sleeping, how could I have asked you if you were asleep?

Rainbow Dash: When we get to Appleoosa, do you think we'll have to carry that heavy tree all the way from the train to the orchard?

Pinkie Pie: What tree? You mean Bloomberg?

Rainbow Dash: [sarcasm] No. Fluttershy.

Pinkie Pie: Fluttershy's not a tree, silly!

Twilight Sparkle: What's going on?

Pinkie Pie: Rainbow Dash thinks Fluttershy's a tree!

Rainbow Dash: I do not think she's a tree, I was just ...

Twilight Sparkle: Did you say she was a tree?

Rainbow Dash: No! Well, yes, but not exactly ...

Twilight Sparkle: Y'know she's not a tree, right?

Pinkie Pie: She's not a tree, Dashy!

Fluttershy: I'd like to be a tree.

Braeburn: As you can see, we have all the finest comforts, like horse drawn carriages!

Horse 1: OK, your turn now.

Horse 2: Aw, we just switched!

Braeburn: And those there are horse-drawn horse drawn carriages!"

(whip pan to a group of ponies sketching a passing coach)

Braeburn: Here's where we have our wild west dances! And here's where we have our mild west dances! (cut to a bunch of ponies dancing weakly)

Rarity: Nobody move, and my dress won't get hurt! Stay back! Back, I say!

Twilight Sparkle: You have no idea what the Princess is gonna do if she finds you're the one who took her pet, do you?!

Fluttershy: Do you?

Twilight Sparkle: Well ... no. But it can't be anything good. She might banish you from Equestria. Or throw you in a dungeon. Or banish you and then throw you in a dungeon in the place that she banishes you to.

Scootaloo: Why don't we ever smash into Rainbow Dash?!

Pinkie Pie: You're looking for Rainbow Dash? If I was her, I'd be at Sugarcube Corner! Of course, if I was anyone I'd be at Sugarcube Corner. Hey! I have an idea. Wanna go to Sugarcube Corner?

Pinkie Pie: (After telling the CMC how she got her cutie mark.) And that's how Equestria was made!

Scootaloo: Wha ... huh?

Apple Bloom: Look! We're here!

Pinkie Pie: Maybe on the way home I can tell you the story of how I got my cutie mark. It's a gem!

Sweetie Belle: Oh, come on. She's just being Pinkie Pie.

Spike: But the store is called "Quills and Sofas"! You only sell two things!

Store Owner: Sorry, Junior. All outta quills until Monday. Need a sofa?

Twilight Sparkle: “You’re invited to ‘Gummy’s After-Birthday’ party. This afternoon at 3 o’clock.”

Pinkie Pie: All our bestest friends are invited, and there’s gonna be dancing, and games, and cake, and ice-cream, and punch!

Twilight Sparkle: This afternoon? As in, this afternoon this afternoon?

Pinkie Pie: Yes, indeedy!

Applejack: Huh? Oh, hi, Pinkie Pie! What brings you ’round these parts?

Pinkie Pie: Who’s ready to shake their hoof-thang?! It’s an invitation to “Gummy’s After-Birthday” party this afternoon. There’s gonna be dancing, and games, and cake, and ice-cream, and punch!

Applejack: This afternoon? A-as in, this afternoon this afternoon?

Pinkie Pie: That’s funny. That’s just what Twilight said, and the answer is, “Yes! It’s this afternoon!”

Pinkie Pie: “Gummy’s After-Birthday” party is this afternoon. I’m delivering the invitations.

Rarity: The party is this afternoon? As in, this afternoon this afternoon?

Pinkie Pie: It’s so strange. Everypony keeps saying that.

Rainbow Dash: This afternoon?

Fluttershy: As in…?

Pinkie Pie:

Rainbow Dash: Oh, man! We’d love to, but… we’re… house-sitting this afternoon.

Pinkie Pie: (sighs) Both of you?

Fluttershy: It’s… uh… a big house.

Rainbow Dash: Uh, look at the time! We’d really better get going.

Pinkie Pie: Wait! Maybe I could bring you some after-birthday cake and ice-cream. Who’re you house-sitting for?

Rainbow Dash: Harry!

Pinkie Pie: Harry?

Rainbow Dash: Yeah, I don’t think you know him.

Pinkie Pie: That’s strange. I know just about everypony around here.

Fluttershy: He’s… a bear.

Pinkie Pie: A bear?

Rainbow Dash: Yup! He’s a bear all right, and he’ll be pretty upset if we don’t get over to his house soon.

Pinkie Pie: Wait! There’s a bear around here who lives in a house?

Fluttershy: It’s, uh, really more of a cave.

Rainbow Dash: But he’s fixed up the place so much it feels like a house.

Fluttershy: And, uh, he wants us to look after his house… uh, cave… while he’s, uh…

Rainbow Dash: A-at the beach!

Pinkie Pie: He’s vacationing at the beach?

Rainbow Dash: Yup! He loves t-

Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash: Collect sea shells!/Play beach volleyball!

Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash: Play beach volleyball!/Collect sea shells!

Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash: Collect volleyball!/Play sea shells!

Rainbow Dash: Gotta go!

Spike: Come on, you guys. Let me in!

Rainbow Dash: Sure thing, Spike.

Rarity: Heavens, no! We're getting dressed!

Applejack: Dressed? Uh, beg pardon, Rarity, but, uh ... we don't normally wear clothes.

Rarity: [groans and opens the door to let Spike in] I'm sorry, Spike. Some of us do have standards.

Pinkie Pie: Something strange is definitely going on around here, Gummy. Sure Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had to house-sit for that vacationing bear, but what are the chances all my other friends would have plans this afternoon too? Rarity has to wash her hair? Applejack has to pick apples? Twilight is behind on her studies, and has to hit the books? The more I think about it, the more those are starting to sound like… (gasps) excuses!

[Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia return to the Grand Galloping Gala to see Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Rarity in a mess of broken columns and cake, and one smashed statue]

Twilight Sparkle: Well ... it couldn't get any worse ...

[cue the stampede of animals into the atrium with Fluttershy right behind]

Fluttershy: You're ... going to LOOOOOVE MEEEEE!

Princess Celestia: (to Twilight) Run.

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