Fan Fic Challenge Entries 2006/07

[Skykat]

Am I really that scary?

Sarah, once this challenge is finished, if you want to repost your story just open it as a new topic in the main forum and leave everything else to me.

I promise I won't eat you or anything...

[SfanS]

We-elll....

No, Kat, not really.

But I'm a little person, and seeing some fights around here, I try to not get in anyone's way. But you're a nice big person...I think....

Noted.

Well, you say that now, but I AM pretty tasty...LOL, I'll shut up now.

I think I know who won already...what if I fix my entry THEN re-enter! I could win! *looks hopeful* or not....

maybe I'll wait for the NEXT challenge...

speaking of which, can we have one soon after the christmas challenge? I want to become good (enough....)

Anyway, I really WILL shut up this time!

[Skykat]

I'm not sure whether to laugh, be chuffed or offended that I'm a big person

The next challenge will be hosted by whoever wins this challenge so I guess it'll be up to them how soon they post it.

[-Jade-]

Ok guys, I know I said tonight but I'm shattered - would it be ok if I said tomorrow morning for the results?

[~Amy~]

Fine by me

[-Jade-]

thanks

[Skykat]

You mean you're going to go to bed and leave the poor authors hanging?

I'm only kidding Jade, your challenge, you post the winner whenever you like, preferably after you finish your reviews.

Seriously, in your own time chick. Have a nice sleep.xx

[SfanS]

I'm not sure whether to laugh, be chuffed or offended that I'm a big person

The next challenge will be hosted by whoever wins this challenge so I guess it'll be up to them how soon they post it.

You're bigger than 11, that's good. Big compared to me, that is....which really isn't that big!

I hope it's soon. I hope it';s me

Doubt it. I have a pretty good idea on who wrote what and who won, isn't it all you have to do is count the votes?

I've never done this before...

[Skykat]

Yep thats how its decided but people still have time to review and vote yet and Jade hasn't given her winer so theres still life left in the competition...

[-Jade-]

Right, here are all of my reviews, reposted.

Firstly, I wanted to say, some fantastic entries by very talented writers. Thank you to Skykat and sevenpuddings for the compliments on the challenge prompts. And I have to agree with them that I found it a shame that no one really went for the 'sex and candy' prompt - that could have made some fantastic stories. Anyways, onto the first review....

Entry No1: Return/No return

Right, firstly I loved how the story was from Kit's point of view, as I think she's one of the more interesting characters mentally to explore. I also thought the writing was very good - nothing major seemed to stick out as weird as such so that was good. However, to me the whole story was a bit underdeveloped - in the writing, in the plot and in Kit's thoughts.

What I mean by that is that I don't think you looked that far into Kit's feelings. And I don't think the writing was developed enough to truly portray her thoughts.

She stared at the bottle in front of her. Inside was heaven and hell.

Open that bottle and all her pain would be gone for a few hours. And yet she knew; she knew that drinking that wine would make it worse afterwards. More pain to handle, more suffering.

All that for a few hours without the intense feeling of darkness and emptyness in her heart, was it worth it?

That bit was fantastic! A really well written and descriptive paragraph that introduced Kit's thoughts of the drink. But then you didn't develop her feelings any further. You stated the obvious, but failed to look further into her thoughts - because it can be a lot more complicated that that. And I think that this also restricted your description, because since you didn't try and describe any more complex feelings, you didn't use more complex description.

The story definitely kept me interested throughout and I love the way you placed the phonecall and flashbacks throughout the fic, with great use of italics. However, the fic failed to keep me completely gripped, it failed to take me elsewhere, and I was constantly aware that I was reading the fic instead of actually being transported into it.

I also felt that your lack of description for her feelings let you down when you made the bold move of having Kit forgive Sarah. Though I could see where you were coming from with that, it was quite a strange thing to say considering that Kit was really mourning for Noah and she's quite a feisty character who fights until the end. I really liked the fact that you took an alternative point of view on that, however, to ensure that was sucessful you really needed to develop Kits' thoughts in order to convince us as readers that Kit would have thought that.

Then he lowered his head, and whispered into her ear.

Kit smiled as she listened.

This was their secret.

That was fab - the way you left the reader to think of their own versions of what he could have said was really effective!

Though I really liked her talk with Noah, I thought it was a bit predictable, with him saying things like 'you've got to accept my death' and 'only you can make that decision'. To me you could have been more imaginative there.

If she returned to her old life there would be no coming back. No return.

Great sentence. The intergration the prompt and title was good, and the short sentence was really effective.

In fact, the ending was great! It was satisfying and yet it didn't give you a total account of everything she did. Like, she walked out and said 'it's not worth it' but we never find out what she does with the wine bottle etc...

Don't get me wrong, I reallly liked this story and it was well written. I just believe in constructive criticism to help the writers and since everyone who entered is very talented, I decided to be extra picky. So my main point would be to develop your plot, character thoughts and description more. Also, be more original and expressive by using interesting structure and pushing yoruself in terms of the creative writing. I'm just not quite sure if you pushed yourself enough when writing this. Great effort and a truly great story.

Entry No2: One kiss, goodbye

“Cassie!”

His piercing screams filled my ears, as my whole world turned that haze of grey that filled dreams, with images floating within.

Only now, there were no images floating, now there was me. And a voice calling my name in the distances. A voice I could not recall having ever heard before. But he was whispering to me. Of my life, my secrets, my love. And then, shock.

Wow. Everything about this beggining was stunning. Firstly, I love the title. Secondly, the sentences above were just stunning. That drew me in straight away, the description was exquisite and brought me right into the story immediately.

The story continued on with the amazing descriptions and writing. What I loved about this entry was that, more than any other person, you fulfilled my wish that the authors push themselves and you created something truly original. I really thank you for that.

My criticism would really only be to do with the repetitivenes. To be honest it could have done with a couple less of those scenes because after a while it got just slightly tiresome. It also seemed to me that two of them were very similar - the Cassandra and Richard one and the Calean and Ron one. I think you should have cut out one of those. But that really is pretty much my only critiscism.

I loved the change of names that all started with C, R and J. I love the movements between time, the idea of fate. And I loved how all that was inspired by just two characters on h&a. You were bold and it really payed off. There was absoltely nothing about this fic that was not original.

Although your writing was pretty much stunning the whole way through these were some of my favourite descriptions:

I sat up, chocking, my breathing strained and erratic, and my chest heaved with tension.

That just totally set the scene, and had me feeling like I couldn't breath.

“This time?”

“Us. Again.” I replied sadly.

“Again?” He sounded shocked.

“Again.” I confirmed, the silent tears spilling from my eyes.

“And you?” His voice was tight, confused… scared.

I loved this dialogue - it said so much and yet so little.

Soaked through instantly, I could only imagine being lost out here would somehow mask the pain I was feeling. If I had known what a broken heart had felt like, surely I would never fallen into the trap of love.

That was beautiful.

I've decided to stop now, bacuse I could go on forever.

Stunning entry - I wouldn't say necessarily the most entertaining but definitely the most inspiring.

Entry No3: Unfinished Business

Ok, what really frustrated me about this story is that it seriously had the potential to be amazing. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was very good, but it could have been fantastic and I feel it just missed out on that.

A tear slipped down her cheek, falling to the ground, the soil taking it down through the ground

I loved that description! The idea of the ground absorbing her tears was in my opinion very beautiful and original.

For now. But people went after him. Things got hard, things got complicated, and their relationship couldn’t survive.

I really liked your use of short sentences, your writing creates a very real sense of the character and I also really liked your choice of character. The emotions were very accurate with her feelings of self loathing, hate, love etc... All very true to character.

He wanted to be the one to find him, whether he accepted that or not. She needed to make things right, or NO one would EVER accept her…EVER. A tiny little thing would get her on the road, until she could finally fit in, be loved, like she’d always wanted.

I really liked that desperation to be loved, very accurate and moving. However, I have to say that I really don't like it when people put words in capitals. Maybe that's just my own personal opinion, but I find it offputting. (With the exception of the end 'BANG'.)

What bugged me was that there were just these little bits where it seemed like you couldn't find the right word and so you just went for second best. The story all tied together nicely but it began to feel like more of a recount and less a story. I think this was partly because the writing got a tad repetitive and also perhaps because it was in past tense. Although overall I didn't really notice it being past tense (which is good), I think that might have been one of the underlying reasons that turned it away from being a story.

Sometimes the emotions were too obvious, or maybe there wasn't enough emotion behind her actions. You could have used more description, more original description, to describe things like the pain and love she was feeling. Everything worked but I know it has the potential to be better than just 'very good'.

I have to say that I loved the amibiguous ending though the 'I love you' might have been a bit predictable. Though I take that back, because it worked with the story.

You have excellent writing ability but I feel you just need to develop it a bit more to create an individual style. Seriously though, enter a few more of these competitions and I think you'll become amazing. Just remember to really challenge yourself. Try something different and it could really pay off for you.

Don't get me wrong though, I really enjoyed it, excellent entry.

Entry No4: 10 days

Well firstly, I know that 10 days was how long her blood would be gone but I thought that was an ineffective title. To me it didn't suggest anything and it didn't inspire me to read on. The title can be an extention of the story and the thing that makes you read on but that, if I'm honest didn't.

I really liked the plot indea for this and the character - because I love Sally. The idea of her and Flynn looking over Cassie, Ric, and Pippa was really good and very cute!

In ten days, all 10 pints of sally’s blood will be gone.

I personally thought that that was a really weird sentence to start with as it didn't inspire you to read on and I thought it was quite blunt and not at all right for the start of an emotional one shot. Though I have to congratualte you on trying to open the story up on something a bit different.

I also found your 'facts' incorrect and to me that was offputting and showed that you didn't research properly. A woman actually has 7 to 9 pints of blood and the whole thing about her blood being gone in 10 days was just confusing and surely totally incorrect. Also things like her body being really light - her body would in fact get heavier. As in the phrase 'dead weight'.

To be honest I felt that the characters didn't seem real - I don't think you really portrayed the characters well. Kim and Sally's characters were really wrong to me. Kim's comment about her 'being the nicest person he knew' made it sound like he didn't even feel any sadness, even though, with Sally being such a big part of the community, he surely would have felt something that ran a little deeper than that.

Sally also seemed slightly selfish in some ways and that really ruined it for me. She didn't seem to be bothered abot the fact that everyone was going through pain and when she mentioned Brad it was like she pitied him, instead of feeling some kind of loss for his love.

Brad and Kim carry sally’s body that feels a lot lighter now into the boot of the car.

I really don't understand that. Surely they wouldn't chuck her in the boot of a car? Were you trying to add a humourous element or something?

She will be no more. Will anyone come to her rescue? That remains to be seen as she lay there on the ground she has flashbacks, and her whole life passes her by.

That bit was really nice - I really liked your use of rhetorical questions and short sentences - those really added to the drama.

If I'm totally honest, I thought the tense in which you wrote it was wrong, as were some of the phrases and I felt Sally's character wasn't at all accurate. Sorry, I hate to be mean but I believe it's better to be honest than pretend or lie. I do think the plot was such a great idea.

Sally says as she watches over Alf, Ric Cassie and the rest of the bay.

And that ending was perfect! It just summed up Sally and her part in Summer Bay.

Entry No5: Breathless

Firstly, loved the title! It really made me want to read on and it was ambiguous to a certain extent whilst still being connected the story. That leads me on to one of my favourite sentences:

And I was actually amazed that after a year of being kissed like that it still left me breathless.

That was beautiful and really put across the message of love, in a more original way.

The whole story was really sweet but not soppy which I liked. As you may I have guessed I did like your character choice. Although I don't actually like them in the programme anymore, a well written J&M story is still so great to read. But I promise I'm not being biased because I love other character combinations just as much. There was very little to fault- you have very good writing skills. You're obviously good at romance!

“Great?” She said demanded “Its more than great its marvellous I tell you.”

“Will you give the girl a flammin’ break woman?!” Granddad said from behind me.

Your dialogue from the other characters was very accurate - you seem to really be able to portray characters as they are. And that sentence made me laugh!

Once again I was left breathless.

That was a gorgeous link to the title again.

Evereything flowed really well. Although I know that others have said that the end came too suddenly, I disagree. Because in real life things come when you least expect them and when you seem to be on top of the world. I also liked how you foreshadowed his death at the beggining.

What I think you need to do though is learn to use your writing skills to better effect. This is a really good story, but you have the tools to write some inspiring fics. Push yourself - consider writing about other more interesting characters who have depth. I think that a more in depth character would help you to explore descriptions of feelings more and give you a more sophisticated writing style. Also practice thinking of really original scenarios (not ridiculous ones, just ones that haven't been done before) - practice with structures and mess around with time. You have a lot of potential - my advice is really to practice. Although J&M fics are great, try not to get too stuck on writing them, because invariably they restrain your writing a bit I think. I'm gonna get killed now. lol *hides*

Really great story though, I honestly enjoyed reading it.

Entry No6: Mourning

I love your writing - you very skillfully combined sadness, love and humour and some of your descriptions were just stunning. I expecially loved this:

He stared up at the pale morning sky. Hints of sunrise reflected in his auburn eyes. They fluttered to a close as he turned his face to the side.

Your imagery is beautiful and your plot was really good. I think the build up was good, as was the general structure. Although I'm not usually a fan of slash, I have to say that I really loved this story - the chemistry between the two of them was great! I tried to pick out just some of my favourite moments/descriptions but it was quite diffficult:

He’d almost lost the two most important people in his life during that black period, and almost lost himself as well.

Very reminiscent, sad but poignant.

He rubbed Robbie’s shoulder to assure him that it was all in the past – a good distraction in case Robbie could see the tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

I liked that, a subtle character observation. You wrote the characters so well. Although many can write characters effectively you seemed to pick up some of the more subtle details - maybe it's just because you like these characters.

He gave a short laugh to the irony. “I think I’m handling it a lot better this time ‘round.”

Funny but also sad.

Kim supposed that the prospect of his best friend bleeding to death in his arms could bring the most macho of men to tears.

Too true - insightful comment.

“It’s funny though,” Robbie continued breathlessly, “After all the drinking we did, you were really only happy after I took my clothes off.”

Loved the humour there! I also really liked the sense of ambiguity that was subtly running through the whole thing. You write in such a way that leaves the reader to come to their own conclusion and make their own interpretations.

What I didn't like was the end - the suicide theme was not right because I thought Kim would have wanted to tell Tasha about robbie's last wish and stuff. I feel that having some of the fic cut off right at the beggining showed up the fact that you need to learn to break off you stories at stranger and more effective places.

Fantastic entry though - I loved reading it.

And finally...

Entry No7:We’ll Be

Right, I thought this entry was beautiful! Thing is, even when you first entered the fanfic challenge you were a really high standard anyways, so that's why I'm going to be really picky. lol

“Hello” His smooth voice broke any coherent thoughts that may have been running through her mind at that particular moment.

Her eyes looked up the length of his body, his firm muscles visible against his tight, white wife beater, his jaw line was even more delectable than she remembered. His eyes locked tantalizingly with her own, as she managed to cough “Hello” in return.

That first bit was just wow. Charged with electricity and chemistry. 'Hello' was such a typical opening and yet it was unsual in the fact that it was that obvious. I could pick out loads of bits that I like but I'll just choose a couple.

His arms instinctively wrapped around her middle, pulling her hard against him, their bodies having no choice but to meld into one another, just as they always had.

Her body began to sway to the music that pulsated slowly around her, the soft vibrations pushing through her body as the beat pumped in the background. Summer heat mingled with the heat their bodies produced, only serving to enhance the desire that lay heavy, thick around them.

I could feel the intensity and I loved how the setting really enhanced and reflected that.

She shivered a little, and pulled her arms around herself tightly, trying to stop the cold from taking over. But she couldn’t tell if it was mild night that was causing the goose bumps to rise on her arms, and the shivers to run down her back, or if it was him, his declaration of love, loss… regret.

Beautiful!

Your writing is so amazing, really it is - I've never not liked one of your fics. But please please write something totally out of your comfort zone in order to develop. Maybe try a different theme, or characters, maybe stem away from couples and try individuals. Like teh author of 'One Kiss, Goodbye' did. This is really the only way in which I think you could become any better than you already are. And I'm being really picky here.

Absolutely loved this piece - the chemistry was sizzling and the lust, as well as love, clearly there. You really do have talent.

Wow, I actually wrote essays for each review. lol

Although there were some close runners up for my vote, in the end it came down to three stories for me - We'll Be, Mourning and One Kiss, Goodbye. However, I decided to let go of We'll Be for only one reason - I don't feel you pushed yourself as much with the story. In the end, although I thought that the writing for those three stories were pretty much all at the same level, I've decided to vote for One Kiss, Goodbye. In my opinion this author was pretty much the only one who really really went out there and did something different. My top three fics were all equal to me, and so I had to look at something different to judge them with and it came down to that - originality and courage to push yourself.

Well done to all the authors for those stunning entries - I loved every minute of reading them. I hope none of you think that I was too harsh, I just really wanted to be honest in order to hopefully help you a bit. Please don't get the wrong idea - you are all very talented!