-Jade- Posted December 6, 2006 Report Share Posted December 6, 2006 Entry No6: Mourning He stared up at the pale morning sky. Hints of sunrise reflected in his auburn eyes. They fluttered to a close as he turned his face to the side. The cold, damp strands of hair brushed against his pallid cheek. His best friend’s body lay beside him, relatively warm in the wake of the cold night chill. Kim stirred to the sensation of Robbie’s chin gently nudging his shoulder. He turned his head, and they came face to face. The sun wasn’t quite up yet, but they could see each other well enough in the pink-grey light. The outline of Robbie’s hair, spiked with perspiration; Kim’s own mane tussled with twigs and leaves. Robbie’s hand crawled over Kim’s chest, reaching to remove one of Kim’s unwanted accessories, but Kim gently caught his wrist to save him the effort. “Morning,” said Kim huskily, returning Robbie’s hand to him. He was relieved to see Robbie smiling. Maybe the night hadn’t been as rough on him as he feared. “Hey,” said Robbie, barely above a whisper. He was completely exhausted and still in pain, but somehow he was keeping positive. “How are you feeling?” asked Kim, running a cautious hand over Robbie’s side. “Better,” said Robbie. Kim didn’t believe that ‘better’ meant entirely okay. Robbie’s breath hitched as Kim’s hand traveled that inch too far. Kim recoiled. “Sorry.” “Don’t be,” said Robbie. They stayed silent for a while, listening instead to the dawn chorus of birds echoing all around them. Robbie smiled to himself. “Do you remember the last time we woke up together?” he asked. “When we went camping and you made an idiot of yourself in front of Kit’s friend? ‘Beer rocks,’” Kim repeated Robbie’s failed attempts at flirting. Robbie laughed soundlessly. “No… We didn’t quite get around to sleeping that night, remember?” Their trip had been interrupted by his grandfather’s heart attack. “I was thinking of a time before that…” “Ah,” Kim nodded, “How could I forget?” It had been after a long night of drinking. At a nudist resort, of all places. Kim was quite sure that he hadn’t gone nude himself (although Robbie did the next morning), but then, Kim didn’t remember much past his twelfth alcoholic beverage of the night, only waking up the next day to find Robbie spooning his back. At least they were both fully clothed at the time, which is more than Kim could say for himself right now. Robbie had needed him to take his shirt off. Robbie stared at Kim’s chest – at his own hand resting against it. “Remember how I said that I wasn’t comfortable on the couch?” he asked. “Yeah…” Kim also remembered freaking out about what might have happened during those missing hours; some other reason they may have ended up ‘sleeping’ together. “Well…” said Robbie, “I wasn’t… but that’s not the reason I got into bed with you.” Kim tried not to jump to conclusions. “What was the reason?” he asked. Robbie considered keeping quiet. He had done for this long… But what could it hurt if he confessed to Kim now? “I just wanted to be close to you,” said Robbie. Kim stayed silent. “You’re a tough guy, Kim… I’ve never been like that… And since you’ve been my friend, I’ve never had to be. You’ve always been there to take care of me…” Kim dismissed the thought. If he was so tough, why was he two seconds away from breaking down? If he was so good at taking care of Robbie… He let his fingers crawl to his friend’s side again, and felt the wide patch of drying blood – his own sodden shirt barely holding Robbie’s broken body together. How could I have let this happen? “I just wanted to take care of you, too,” Robbie went on weakly. “Hayley left you… You were upset… I wanted…” He paused, unsure if he could go on with such sentimental tripe. “I wanted to be strong for you… I wanted to hold you, and let you know that everything would be okay.” He grinned lightly. “You never would have let me do it if you were awake.” Kim sniffed in amusement. “You never would have done it if you weren’t drunk.” They were both awake now and painfully sober. The morning light was creeping over them. The glare hurt Kim’s eyes, but Robbie didn’t seem to mind it. He just kept staring at the sky, watching the colours change from grayish pinks to gold and purple. Holding each other here didn’t seem awkward or strange, particularly since they had spent the night exposed to the elements. After surviving a helicopter crash and trekking for days through the bush to find help… Robbie taking a bad step and ending up with a devastating gash across his now broken ribs… Kim supposed that the prospect of his best friend bleeding to death in his arms could bring the most macho of men to tears. Robbie’s fingers curled absently around Kim’s, squeezing his hand every now and then. Kim tried to pretend that Robbie was just doing this as a friendly gesture, and that it had nothing to do with distracting himself from the intense pain still ripping through him. “It’s funny though,” Robbie continued breathlessly, “After all the drinking we did, you were really only happy after I took my clothes off.” “You better be talking about when we went to breakfast and you were the only naked person at the whole resort,” Kim told him sternly. “Of course,” smirked Robbie. “I knew that’d cheer you up. You couldn’t look away the first time you saw me naked…. Truth or Dare, remember? You kept commenting on my butt.” “Hey, that was Tasha’s idea!” Kim defended his heterosexuality. “I was just an innocent by-stander. Besides,” he remembered darkly, “None of us got much fun out of that. You had me and Tash believing that we’d offended your honour or something for weeks.” Robbie cast his eyes down. He remembered all too well what a jerk he’d been to his friends, through no fault of their own. He had stepped on a needle while doing a nudie run for Tasha’s dare. He became convinced that he was going to contract AIDS, just like a kid he knew from boarding school, and that he would die a slow and humiliating death. It wasn’t that he blamed Tasha and Kim for making him do the run – putting him in the path of the discarded syringe – but that he couldn’t stand to have them look at him like he was a living ghost, about to fade away at any second… the way Kim was looking at him now… In the end, he’d been worrying over nothing. He’d been fine all along. But he’d wasted so much time pushing away the people he loved… time that he would never get the chance to make up for. He’d almost lost the two most important people in his life during that black period, and almost lost himself as well. Robbie looked into Kim’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. “No,” said Kim, “I am.” He rubbed Robbie’s shoulder to assure him that it was all in the past – a good distraction in case Robbie could see the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.” “Why not?” asked Robbie. “It’s appropriate. Back then I thought I was going to die. Now I really am going to die…” He gave a short laugh to the irony. “I think I’m handling it a lot better this time ‘round.” “At least you’re not trying to hide it from me,” Kim agreed. “Or, you know, stealing cars.” As ‘in the past’ as the incident was, Kim still hadn’t let Robbie near his car since he’d taken it joyriding – on his L-plates – to preempt his supposedly imminent death. Robbie didn’t blame him. “Well, I did try to hide it,” Robbie said of his current wound, “But the blood was a bit of a give away.” They both looked down at the pool of dark liquid between them, stemming from Robbie’s poorly dressed wounds. “Just a bit…” said Kim. It was truly a miracle that Robbie was still alive, let alone conscious and reminiscing with him. The sky was getting brighter. Kim knew that there had to be rescue teams searching for survivors of the chopper crash. They’d be heading out for the day, if they hadn’t started already. “Listen, Rob, hold on, okay? It’s getting lighter. Alf will have a search party organized to find us. Someone will come soon.” “It’s been four days, Kim.” “That just means they’re four days closer to finding us!” “I can’t…” “Yes you can, Rob! I know you can fight this. You’ve been talking to me all morning, and you’re not bleeding so much anymore. You even said you feel better.” “I can’t feel anything anymore....” “Rob, please…” “Tell Tash…” “Robbie, don’t do this…” “I love her… and the baby…” Kim wrapped his arms around Robbie, as if holding onto his body would somehow keep his spirit trapped inside. “Rob…” he begged desperately, finally letting his tears fall down his face. “Please don’t leave me. You’re my best friend. I need you.” Robbie didn’t fight as Kim hugged him tighter. A moment a go, it would have hurt, but now… He looked up at the sky once more. The white clouds rolling over the blue eternity reminded him of the ocean home he loved so much. He wished he could be there with his wife and child, and with Kim, all of them together as a family. He let the glare of the silver lining fill his head with the blissful vision, until he could see nothing else. “I won’t leave you,” Robbie promised, nestling quietly into Kim. Kim cried, equally quiet. He could feel Robbie slipping away. He hadn’t cried so much since he lost Noah. Was that what was happening here? Was he losing another son? Or another brother? Or… “ROBBIE!” The distant yell rang out from somewhere behind them. “KIM!” He lifted his head from where he’d been crying on Robbie’s shoulder. “Did you hear that?” he asked hopefully. Robbie didn’t answer. “ROBBIE!” Kim listened more carefully – it was Tony Holden’s voice. “KIM!” Alf Stewart called him again. Kim couldn’t believe it. They were going to be rescued. Alf and Tony and the rest of the team would get Robbie back to the hospital and everything would be fine. “Rob,” said Kim, shaking him gently. “Rob, come on. They’ve found us. We’re gonna go home.” Robbie didn’t move. “Rob…?” Kim watched him carefully. Robbie remained perfectly still. Kim placed a hand on his friend’s cold face, waiting to feel Robbie breathe against the heel of his palm. He felt nothing. Alf and Tony’s voices came closer, but Kim didn’t call out to them. He just stared at Robbie. He forced himself to check the side of Robbie’s neck for a pulse. Again, nothing. “KIM! ROBBIE!” The rescue team still hadn’t seen them. Kim didn’t call back to them. He wanted them to go away. He wanted to stay out here and die with Robbie. He didn’t deserve to be saved if Robbie never had that chance. He didn’t even care about the others that had been injured in the crash, and whether they’d be alright. It didn’t matter anymore. Robbie’s life was worth all of theirs combined, and Kim included his own in that. He closed his eyes and put his head down against Robbie’s. Whether he lived or not now was up to fate. Entry No7: We’ll Be “Hello” His smooth voice broke any coherent thoughts that may have been running through her mind at that particular moment. Her eyes looked up the length of his body, his firm muscles visible against his tight, white wife beater, his jaw line was even more delectable than she remembered. His eyes locked tantalizingly with her own, as she managed to cough “Hello” in return. “Drew!” Luke yelled over the music, as he pushed her aside gently to clasp hands with him. “Where you been?” “Around.” He shrugged nonchalantly, his gaze never leaving her own. “Fair enough.” Luke replied, as someone in the distance caught his attention. Sensing an opportunity, Drew struck, just as she’d known he would. “Mind if I borrow Belle for a dance?” He asked, and Luke shook his head in reply. “No,” He said, “Why would…” “Luke, you and” She began, only to be drowned out by Drew replying “Thanks.” Taking her hand in his, he led her towards the middle of the floor. His arms instinctively wrapped around her middle, pulling her hard against him, their bodies having no choice but to meld into one another, just as they always had. Her body began to sway to the music that pulsated slowly around her, the soft vibrations pushing through her body as the beat pumped in the background. Summer heat mingled with the heat their bodies produced, only serving to enhance the desire that lay heavy, thick around them. But she knew that her body, her mind, her soul and heart would need more coaxing than the feelings their surrounding produced if she were ever to trust him again. Ever to believe in them again. After all, that was what he wanted, wasn’t it? That’s why he’d finally returned. “You and Luke still together?” He whispered in her ear, his breath hot against her skin, his voice silky smooth causing her to insides to flutter. “Yes,” She replied automatically. “No.” She corrected herself, shaking her head angrily, as he smirked a little at her. Their bodies continued their automatic dance, continuing to be pushed against one another as body upon body invaded the crowded dance floor. “Well?” He asked, yelled a little over the music, when she didn’t elaborate on her confused answer. “Which is it?” “We decided we’re better off as friends.” She offered finally, stumbling her way through, refusing to meet his eyes, fearful of what she might see in them… fearful of what might be reflected within her own. “Shame,” He replied, and she looked to see a slight grin form graciously on his lips. “You and I…” “You just left Drew.” She commented, harshly cutting him off. Recoiling from his touch, as if it suddenly burned her, she took a few small steps backwards, as much as spacing would allow. “You just upped and left. Without telling anyone. Without saying goodbye.” She mumbled, but finally met his gaze, hoping to see remorse in his eyes, but instead, finding lust and desire, driven by his own need to have her. To control her. That disgusted her. “I know,” He let out a breath, and looked away. “I’m sorry.” “You’re sorry?” She spluttered, pushing herself away from him fully. “That’s it? You were the one who brought these feelings back to me. They’ve haunted me. You’ve haunted me. Every minute, every day. I’ve felt your presence, and ached to be with you, wherever the hell you were, and you’re sorry?” Shaking her head, she turned from him and, weaving her way through the crowd, ran for the door. Always quick on his heels, Drew was swift to chase after her, calling her name time and time again, “Taylor”. But still she ran on, out of the heat of the party, into the cool open air, down the darkened road, lined with forbidden signs and foreboding images. She ran until she could run no more, and stopped dead on the roadside, clutching her belly as she gasped in large breaths of air. “Taylor.” He caught her finally, creeping towards her, so she wouldn’t run again. But even if she wanted to, she couldn’t find the energy to, because he sucked it all from her. He always took all her energy… when he was around, she just couldn’t be herself. She needed to be more. She needed to be with him. “Taylor,” He repeated, his hand touching her face gently, as she slapped it away, regaining composure, glaring at him in the darkness that surrounded them. “Just, hear me out?” He pleaded with her, his voice cracking a little, so vastly different to the smooth voice that would produce the butterflies in her belly. Nodding, she bit her bottom lip, leaning back against an old oak tree, still finding her breath. “Last year, when you and Luke, were, together,” He swallowed, as if the memory was too painful to remember. “And Peter and Amanda… everything came crashing down around me. And I couldn’t face it any more. I couldn’t be around Dad, because every time I was, she was there… and in her I saw you, Belle. I saw the evil woman who had driven us apart. I saw the mother of the woman I’d hurt more than anything. I saw the ultimate mistake that had made me throw away my chance at love. At happiness.” He inched closer to her, and the moonlight cast a gentle shadow on his face, allowing her to see his watery eyes, full with salty tears. She shivered a little, and pulled her arms around herself tightly, trying to stop the cold from taking over. But she couldn’t tell if it was mild night that was causing the goose bumps to rise on her arms, and the shivers to run down her back, or if it was him, his declaration of love, loss… regret. “And when I saw you and Luke together, and I saw you smile, and laugh, without a care in the world, I saw the woman that was rebuilding the life that I’d ruined, I saw the man that was managing to right what I’d wronged. And that was like a dagger to my heart, every time I saw the two of you together. I was dying here Belle, dying here without you. And I needed to escape, before you’re happiness was the end of me. So I ran.” He said sadly, his hands coming to rest naturally on either side of her small form. “And I didn’t say goodbye, because if I did, I knew you’d try to stop me. And I didn’t want you to stop me, I wanted you to be happy, without me as a painful reminder of the mistakes in your past.” Her breathing had now calmed, and her cold hands reached up to gently brush away the tears that had silently fallen during his tale of heartbreak. Responding to her natural impulse, she pulled him by the shirt, closing the small gap he’d managed to leave between them. She needed to feel his body against her own, if she were ever to believe his return real. If she were ever to shake the feelings that had haunted her since he left. Without the goodbye. “Why come back?” She asked hoarsely, and he groaned a little, before looking down into her clear eyes. Their bodies now mingled with the mild night air, that smelt of desire, and a little of sadness… but they were too lost to notice any of that; all they saw was one another. “You haunted me.” He repeated her previous words, his gaze never leaving her own, as she stood up on her toes to gently connect her lips with his. It lasted only a moment, before he pulled reluctantly away, but that moment was still the closest to heaven she’d ever felt. “I promise Belle,” He began, his voice soft, angelic. “I will never hurt you again.” She smirked up at him, knowing in her mind how nervous he was about their reunion. “You think I’d have kissed you if I didn’t know that?” She replied, her voice cocky, instantly producing a smirk on his own lips. “Maybe?” He replied, his arms pulling her against him, entwining around her back. “If you wanted to toy with me, real bad?” “Oh, you have no idea how much I’d like to toy with you.” She replied, her voice loud, playful, as she pushed him backwards, pointing towards the party that they’d left, god knows how long ago. “But I’d prefer to do that in the comfort of a house, as opposed to a darkened road, in the middle of nowhere.” She continued. “Belle Taylor, scared of the dark?” Drew retorted, earning himself a gentle slap. “Who’d have thought?” “Watch it mister,” She said, as music floated softly into her ears. “Or you’ll be spending the night alone.” Winking at him, she stuck out her hand, waiting for him to take hold of it. “Never again.” He promised, to her, to himself, as he leant down and gently kissed her lips, nibbling on the bottom one until she giggled against his mouth. “I’ve missed that.” She whispered contentedly against his lips, causing him to smile too. “Me too. But don’t worry, we’ll have many more opportunities to perfect it once more.” “We will, will we?” She replied, leading him into the party. “We will. Because we’ll be, together, forever.” He whispered, as they disappeared in the crowd, wanting to be lost in their own world, once more. - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted December 6, 2006 Report Share Posted December 6, 2006 I'll read and review all the fics when I have more time. Probably over the weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skykat Posted December 6, 2006 Report Share Posted December 6, 2006 I'll be the first to review then. Did you have a late entry Jade or just forget one? I was very surprised to see a seventh entry, maybe I was mistaken but I was sure you said six...not that I'm complaining. One more story to read. Firstly I want to make a general comment on the prompts. Really good choices Jade, a really good competition but I am so disappointed that there wasn't too much sex and candy...I was really looking forward to that! All the entries were amazing, really good quality and as usual I've wrote mammoth reviews. Actually I've wrote mini essays for reviews but I've been honest. I've gone into quite a bit of detail and I hope I've been helpful and not overly critical but I'm a big believer reviews are worth more if the writer can actually improve something as a result of it. Well done everyone for entering. Here goes. Return/No Return. The prompt was obvious being in the title but it would have been obvious without the title, the prompt was really strong in this, you used it really well. It’s funny how different everything looks at night. The darkness and the wind, it all makes everything look so much wilder, more dangerous than it really is. Superb introduction. Really fantastic description, really conjured up the image and the scene. I really got a sense of something darker to come. She stared at the bottle in front of her. Inside was heaven and hell. Really strong metaphors. Fantastic imagery, I could clearly see that to Kit the bottle was both those things. It was so evil to wish she had been right about Scott. So evil to wish it was her own brother Sarah had shot instead of him. I have to admit this bit confused me a little bit, I had to re-read it a couple of times before I understood it. I got your point that Kit knew all along it was Noah and she was in denial. I just wasn’t sure that it was actually in character for her to wish Scott dead, even if it did mean Noah was alive. I just imagine her to be devastated either way. She was so evil! …And so selfish to make this about her, because it wasn’t. It was about him. That was good. Self hatred is something I can really see Kit going for, very in character. I loved the final interweaving of the prompt at the end. I thought you were going to have Noah’s return from the dead as fulfilling the prompt and I guess to a degree you did but ending it with: If she returned to her old life there would be no coming back. No return was much more subtle and really, really strong. Fantastic ending. Really well written story, the description was superb and you’re very good with dialogue. I loved Kit’s conversation with Noah, the way he talked her round. I loved the scene with Beth at her father’s grave too. I thought that was really powerful and emotive. I thought you handled those scenes really well. I initially really struggled with the idea that Kit would forgive Sarah for killing Noah. I found that completely out of character because to me Kit fights, never backs down and I just couldn’t see her forgiving Sarah that easily. However as you moved through the story I started to see where you were coming from and I loved the idea that Kit had to forgive Sarah in order to stop blaming herself. I think that was a great idea. My only criticism is that I think Kit came to that conclusion a bit too easily. I would have found it more believable and true to character if Noah had have talked her into that conclusion, if that makes any sense. Overall a really well written piece. Great idea, fantastic description, great dialogue and a very strong beginning and end. Also very good use of the prompt. Really well done. Entry 2 - One Kiss, Goodbye Okay my review for this is going to be in a completely different structure to every other review because that was the most original story I’ve read in a long time. I’ll admit it really confused the hell out of me at first but as I kept reading and seeing the same story repeated over and over, the same characters, yet different. Everything fell into place. I completely understood where you were coming from, your purpose and your theme. I loved the historic trip, being a history lover I really enjoyed how on each of the stories, you moved a step further back in history. The names always with the C, R, J beginnings were similar yet different in each extract as the characters were different in each extract yet the story remained the same. I genuinely got the feeling that it had always been like this, that she would always go before him. That they would always have to say goodbye. The prompt was so apparent throughout the whole story yet also kind of in the background. Now I’m going to be a bit more systematic in my review, having got that off my chest! Another superb introduction, had me gripped from the start, I wanted to know what had happened. Who where they? Did she die? Who was he? And a voice calling my name in the distances. A voice I could not recall having ever heard before. But he was whispering to me. Of my life, my secrets, my love. And then, shock. That was beautiful. Amazingly effective, really powerful writing. The description in this was of a high standard throughout. I could try and pick out examples but I’d be here all day there were so many really good examples of description. Once I’d gotten past my initial confusion the story really flowed really well, the structure, layout and dialogue were fantastic and the repetition was so effective. Great choice of characters, especially Johnny as the evil one but being Rocco’s brother and therefore always involved, that was so effective. Fantastic ending. I loved how you drew all the different storylines together and tied them up with the prompt and I loved your final words, really effective. Like I say I could be here forever picking out individual things I loved about this but I’m going to end with saying just that: I really loved this, one of the most effective, original, well thought out, well written pieces I’ve ever read. I can’t praise it enough. Entry 3 – Unfinished Business My first thought when I started reading this was that it was a Sally fic so I was mildly surprised when it turned out to be Amanda but I was intrigued also. Amanda is such a complex character and I don’t think people have really delved into her thoughts much before so well done on a different choice of character. Some really great emotional writing and description, such as: It was a feeling she’d never felt before, a feeling she would never feel again. He was gone., forever. She would never see him again. It was over. Really poignant, effective writing. She didn’t care about him not feeling an attraction to her, because her feelings were too strong to even bother to stop and think about how HE felt, she loved him already. Now that was good. Really in character, such an Amanda thing to think! They didn’t understand. She wasn’t loved. She wasn’t cared for. They were, but she wasn’t, and they didn’t understand what that felt like. Again so Amanda, the self pity. I can almost see the pout on her face yet at the same time I do pity her, I can see her being genuinely upset. He made her feel loved, protected and wanted for once in her life. Guys only either wanted her for the sex, because she was easy, or were convinced by her-just. I really felt sorry for her again here, she seems so vulnerable, so messed up and it is sad. Great writing. I really liked the structure when you got into Drew’s disappearance, the use of full stops and pauses, the increase of pace, I really got a sense of urgency. She needed to make things right, or NO one would EVER accept her…EVER. A tiny little thing would get her on the road, until she could finally fit in, be loved, like she’d always wanted. That was effective, I can almost see the dilemma playing out in her head. I have to admit the twist at the end got me completely. I wanted to know why it was Amanda they wanted, I was crying out for a backstory, yet at the same time I almost didn’t want to know. And I loved the open ending, how she never really got to say what she really meant and how you left it open as to what happened. In conclusion this was a great story. Good choice of character, well written and well explored and I liked the twist at the end. My only real criticism was that I didn’t really feel the prompt. I know at the beginning she was saying goodbye to him and then it was a twist that in the end it was her who died but I just didn’t feel that the prompt really underpinned the story if that makes sense. I also felt that though it was emotive and there was some really excellent writing it could have been improved with a little more poetry. (Word borrowed from I love Music). What I mean by that is more description, literary techniques. You are a seriously good writer and this is not a criticism, just something to thing about for the future. I really think you could add more depth to this with similes and metaphors, you describe how she’s feeling superbly but if you were to liken her feelings to something I just feel it would make the story come alive a bit more. Like I say though not a criticism just a suggestion to think about in the future. A really well written, sad and effective story, well done. Entry 4 – 10 Days I assume your prompt was goodbye and maybe also returning because Flynn came back or because Sally came to join him? Again another sad, reflective story. A good choice of character, Sally’s always a good character for a fic. Some good writing, I like the fact that it is from Sally’s point of view. I like the use of rhetorical questions, that’s very effective. Some really good description, like: All she can see is white, and a figure that looks like a man is coming towards her and Sally runs on what feels like a path of clouds towards Flynn’s arms, Flynn and Sally are once again united. I loved sally’s reunion with Flynn. The dialogue was excellent, they seemed so at ease with each other and I got a really innocent vibe from them that seemed so fitting with the setting being heaven. The Brad scene was really sad, how his voice wobbled as he spoke to Rachel on the phone but it was strange how Sally and Flynn were laughing and joking while this was going on, I’d just have thought that sally being the caring person she was would have been a bit more upset at having left Brad. “Oh no, that’s such a shame she’s was the nicest person I know.” Kim responds I didn’t think this was the best reaction. I know we called Kim the plank for ages but surely he’d react a bit better than that? Shock, horror maybe? This was more like something he’d say in a week or so after he’s come to terms with her death not when it’s just come out of the blue. “Okay, we shall take her with us mate and put her in the boot so she can have the funeral she deserves.” Kim says. Brad and Kim carry sally’s body that feels a lot lighter now into the boot of the car. This was meant to be touching and Brad was really sweet but for me the concept of putting Sally’s body in the boot just ruined the picture. I just can’t imagine them putting her body in the boot, cradling her until the ambulance came maybe but not putting her in the boot. Sorry but I just wasn’t convinced by that. The speeches were beautiful. You really tapped into the emotion of the characters. There was some amazing, emotional writing. she is part of the reason I am the man I am she has made me feel wanted, safe and most of all loved Sally has been my guiding light through out all of the dark times, and has been the only one who has got me through She will always be the one I look up to in times of doubt, and no one will ever replace her because no one in this whole world is as special as Sally Saunders. She has been the best part of my life so far, and will be remembered with the sweetest memories possible. Beautiful, really bought tears to my eyes, so emotional. I know it seems hard, But with time you will heal, And you never know how you might feel. Just remember I love you always. Sally says as she watches over Alf, Ric Cassie and the rest of the bay. Lovely ending. Sweet, poignant, really effective. Well written. A really nice, sad story, again there was some beautiful writing, some touching description and fantastic dialogue. I loved Brad’s reactions and the reactions of Cassie and Ric. I also loved Sally and Flynn’s reunion and I certainly felt Sally’s dilemma, her joy at being reunited with Flynn but her sadness at leaving all her loved ones behind. This was a great idea and you did will with it but I can’t help thinking it might have been better with a more subtle narrator. By that I mean that I got the impression somebody was telling the story, telling me what Sally was feeling and thinking rather than me seeing it for myself. This isn’t a criticism just a suggestion of something to try in the future. Maybe instead of she said and she thought, twist things around a bit, use flashbacks, for example: Sally felt her life flashing before her eyes, images, pictures snapped into her mind, of Pippa, Ric, Cassie, all the good she had done, the people she’d touched… That’s not a particulary good example but hopefully you get what I mean, I just think that the format you used almost came across as if somebody else was talking rather than actually seeing a glimpse into Sally’s mind, if that makes sense. Like I say, not a criticism, just something to think about. A lovely piece of writing though, well done. Entry 5 – Breathless Great title, really drew me in. I assume the prompt was goodbye because Jack left her? I wasn’t entirely sure, I thought maybe you could have used the prompt a little more, it seemed to be more of a passing thing rather than a focal point of the story. I liked that it came from Martha’s viewpoint and the way you told it seemed very in keeping with her character. And I was actually amazed that after a year of being kissed like that it still left me breathless That was lovely, linked beautifully in with the title and gave a real ‘aw’ moment to the story. Your dialogue was superb. You got your characters spot on, Colleen, Alf and Martha all really suited the dialogue you gave them. “Not yet Colleen but I’m sure its great,” I said smiling hoping that I could figure out how to quietly slip over to Tash and Robbie, but no such luck “Great?” She said demanded “Its more than great its marvellous I tell you.” “Will you give the girl a flammin’ break woman?!” Granddad said from behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief as Colleen went scowling into the kitchen. “Are you enjoying yourself love?” He asked. I could really picture that scene being acted out before my eyes. Really well done. “Good, I’m so proud of you love,” He said quickly scratching his eye with the back of his hand. That was lovely, really subtly done but very effective, bless Alf! He put his arms around me and it made me feel even safer. I ran my fingers throughout his hair and eventually settled on wrapping them around the nape of his neck. His were around my waist. Once again I was left breathless. Great, again I loved the breathless link. “Jack” I pleaded with him “I’ll be right back, I promise.” But he broke that promise. That was a sad, poignant ending, your dialogue in the final scenes was fantastic, I got a real sense of urgency but it did seem to end quite suddenly. I was almost stamping my foot going ‘sequel’ but at the same time it suited being a one shot. It was a good story, a nice light hearted story until the end and I loved how it flipped 180 in a matter of seconds just the way life really does. This was a good story, like I said your dialogue was superb and I liked the idea behind it but I just felt as if it was missing something, as if it ended a bit too quickly. I’d have liked to have seen a bit more development to it, like how Martha really felt when he disappeared on her, if her heart was in her mouth or she felt sick and how she felt when he broke his promise, betrayed? Hurt? It was a great story but my only criticism would be that I’d have liked you to have developed it that little bit more. Entry 6 – Mourning Hints of sunrise reflected in his auburn eyes. They fluttered to a close as he turned his face to the side. The outline of Robbie’s hair, spiked with perspiration; Kim’s own mane tussled with twigs and leaves. They stayed silent for a while, listening instead to the dawn chorus of birds echoing all around them. Amazing description. This is just the sort of poetry I was talking about earlier, it really conjures up the scene. I can just imagine the twigs in Kim’s hair, the sunrise reflecting on his face, the bird sounds. The descriptions in this really bought the whole picture alive for me, it set the scene beautifully and created some very powerful imagery. Also made for a really effective introduction. Robbie taking a bad step and ending up with a devastating gash across his now broken ribs… Kim supposed that the prospect of his best friend bleeding to death in his arms could bring the most macho of men to tears. The way you write these characters is so believable. You really capture how they feel towards each other and you create such subtle chemistry. It’s an admirable talent to take two characters you’ve never seen on screen in this sort of interaction and write it in such a believable way. I loved their reminiscing. The dialogue is fantastic, it just flows and I like the way they banter off each other. It just adds that extra dimension to their relationship, makes them seem so comfortable around each other. I loved the awkwardness as they explored the new aspect to their friendship, the reasons why they had ended up cuddled up together. It seemed to me such a perfectly natural thing to do. but that he couldn’t stand to have them look at him like he was a living ghost, about to fade away at any second… the way Kim was looking at him now… Again superbly described, I can imagine that feeling, I can really empathise with it. I’d guess the prompt again was goodbye but like with several entries I didn’t really feel it underpinned the story, although I did sense it hovering in the background. This was really well written on so many levels. It was both light-hearted but deep, touching yet amusing. It was subtle, the chemistry was not explicit but hinted at and it was so much more powerful that way. I could rave all day about your description, about the imagery you created but I won’t except to say that it was really effective. I did see this playing out before my eyes, I could picture every little thing. Your dialogue was superb as well, it was in character, light-hearted, friendly, yet with much deeper undertones. I could hear the conversations playing out, imagine the amusement they got from the memories, again I could rave on forever. A really well written piece, amazingly described and so effective but also so subtle. Great writing, really couldn’t fault it. Entry 7 – We’ll Be Interesting title. Again this grabbed me, drew me in, caught my attention. Fantastic choice for a title and it seemed just right for the story as well. his firm muscles visible against his tight, white wife beater, his jaw line was even more delectable than she remembered. His eyes locked tantalizingly with her own, Yum! What a description! I could imagine myself looking him up and down, fantastic description! their bodies having no choice but to meld into one another, just as they always had. Summer heat mingled with the heat their bodies produced, only serving to enhance the desire that lay heavy, thick around them. Again the description is superb. The chemistry just sizzles, I can feel it hanging in the air, fantastic. “Yes,” She replied automatically. “No.” She corrected herself, shaking her head angrily, as he smirked a little at her. Recoiling from his touch, as if it suddenly burned her, she took a few small steps backwards, as much as spacing would allow. “You just upped and left. Without telling anyone. Without saying goodbye.” She mumbled, but finally met his gaze, hoping to see remorse in his eyes, but instead, finding lust and desire, driven by his own need to have her. To control her. That disgusted her. Really well written, her dilemma. Hating him yet at the same time wanting him was so realistically wrote. I could almost feel her anger burning through her almost as if she hated herself for wanting him. But even if she wanted to, she couldn’t find the energy to, because he sucked it all from her. He always took all her energy… when he was around, she just couldn’t be herself. She needed to be more. She needed to be with him. Really powerful effective. Great imagery, again I could emphasise with these emotions, I could feel her feeling this. But she couldn’t tell if it was mild night that was causing the goose bumps to rise on her arms, and the shivers to run down her back, or if it was him, his declaration of love, loss… regret. I haven’t particularly picked lines of dialogue out because I really can’t fault it, it just flowed. The conversations were in character, flawless and so realistic I could hear the words being spoken. The interchange between them was exactly how I pictured it happening, their reunion was just as it should be, a dilemma. Yet also something they couldn’t change, like destiny and that was really created for me. “We will. Because we’ll be, together, forever.” He whispered, as they disappeared in the crowd, wanting to be lost in their own world, once more. Lovely sweet ending, seemed really fitting somehow. A faultless piece of writing, I really can’t fault this. The dialogue, the characters, the interaction and description were all spot on. I never doubted the prompt, I never doubted the effect of it. Like I said, flawlessly written. -- -- Okay so that was my reviews. I hope people don't think I've been overlly harsh or picky, I've just said what I honestly think and reviewed in as much detail as I could. Like I said earlier the writing was of a very high standard and I really enjoyed having so many entries to read, they were all really good. As to a winner, there were some superb entries, Mourning and We'll Be I felt were particulary flawless and would have been really high in my decision if it wasn't for One Kiss, Goodbye. Possibly the most unique, different story I've ever read on these boards. The storyline, structure, dialogue and description were faultless but this story mainly gets my vote because it was so different. The prompt was so effectively used, repeated throughout in different ways. I had about two seconds confusion at the first reading but as I read on it completely captivated me and by the second reading I was in love with it. Fantastically original idea and really well wrote, well done for having the guts to do something different. So my vote goes to One Kiss, Goodbye A huge well done to everyone who entered, I've had a great evening reading the entries! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmasi Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Return/No return “Is it worth it?” An excellent question. I kind of wish the answer had have been “yes,” and that the pain was so bad that even a few hours release would have been worth anything. I suppose it might have been if Noah hadn’t turned up to put her mind at ease. I’m really happy to see this. It never quite seemed fair that Hayley got Noah in life, and she got him in death as well. We saw the two of them interacting and him helping her through her grief, when all the while Kit – the one who’s actually likely to go off the rails – seems to be abandoned. Then she comes back out of nowhere claiming that he’s been telling her to do stuff in her dreams. Am I the only one who thought she sounded a little nuts? Might have been nice if they could have splashed out on a scene or two like this to help Kit out. Having said that, I must admit that I was liking this fic more when it was just about Kit’s personal struggle between long-term stability and short-term oblivion. Adding Noah to the mix seemed like an easy out. One Kiss, Goodbye That was… strange. I didn’t know what was going on for a while, and I enjoyed that. I feel like you’ve deliberately made it all a bit hazy to tie in with the dream sequences. The different styles of writing throughout are pretty impressive (as is your ability to keep track of that many names), but I think I would have culled it back to three dreams or so. That would have been enough to get the point across. I found that the repitition dragged a little by the last one. The name Richard confused me in one of them too. At first I thought you were talking about Ric. I liked how the last part of it was from the guy’s point of view. I can’t imagine how off putting it would be to have your girlfriend constantly telling you that you were both fated to die. Unfinished Business Oooh. Awesome ending. I actually heard it! Creepy… I was hoping that she was gonna throw something at Gillian and save Peter – thus eliminating the plot hole of how he managed to outshoot three armed men on his own - but I guess the fact that the bad guys were distracted by Amanda meant that the “BANG!” could have come from Peter’s gun! Awesome!! I loved how you went into Amanda’s side of it, and made out that she had current feelings for Peter before she went for Drew. And the emphasis on the fact that she just needed to be loved… aw, it’s so true. Poor Amanda. You evoke sympathy very well. 10 Days Did you mean ten days or ten hours? Because ten days doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I think she would have starved to death if she hadn’t bled to death, lol. Also, someone probably would have been wondering where she was… I liked Flynn welcoming her to Heaven, and Sally saying that she had too much stuff left to do. But then when God said it was her time, she did what she was told, hehe. Just like Sally. Not one to make waves. “Why are we given the power then, if we can’t use it?” Sally asks. “We’re given it to make us feel powerful and not powerless but really we can’t use it.” Flynn answers. That line made me laugh. I feel that way sometimes. I think the overall feel of this was nice, but apathetic. Which is to say, no one but Brad really seemed to care that Sally was dead. Not even Sally. Perhaps you could work on adding more emotion and identifying with the characters. Breathless That wasn’t a very happy story Oh right, constructive criticism… uhm… no, no criticism. Just that I was a little disappointed that this wasn’t a “sex and candy” fic, heh. Just ‘cause I thought that’s where it was headed. Apparently not. Oh, and the ending was kind of abrupt. I think I would have had Martha go for help or something, and then come back to find Jack "breathless"... The breaking of the promise was a nice line though. I liked the party scene – all the characters were spot on – but I would have liked for Robbie and Tash to have had a line. Not that the story needed it at all. I just like Robbie and Tash. Loved all of Martha’s inner monologue and the fact that she was so in love with Jack. It was very cute and very Martha. And of course Jack rushing off to be the hero against all rationality. I wouldn’t expect anything less. Mourning First of all, yay Robbie and Kim!! Sure they weren’t actually “together” but it was close enough The descriptions were good. I could see it all happening. (But then, I don't need a lot of outside assistence to picture Robbie and Kim snuggling...) The reminiscing was cute, and it was great to relive all those scenes. Though I’m not sure if “great” is the word to use about the content of this fic. Blood everywhere… I guess my biggest criticism of it is that it was just too sad. Which isn’t at all constructive, so… moving on. EDIT: I suppose I liked the irony of Robbie dying just seconds before Tony and Alf were gonna find him. I like irony. Although if he’d lost that much blood, a couple of seconds probably wouldn’t have made a difference anyway… I don’t know if I buy the idea of Kim not wanting to be found. Would he really be THAT depressed that he’d want to die himself? I don’t know, that just doesn’t seem very Kim to me. I’ve always thought he was more self-centered than that, heh. We’ll Be He pleaded with her, his voice cracking a little, so vastly different to the smooth voice that would produce the butterflies in her belly. Nodding, she bit her bottom lip… I bit my lip… “Never again.” He promised, to her, to himself, as he leant down and gently kissed her lips, nibbling on the bottom one until she giggled against his mouth. I giggled… I think I was putting myself in this story, lol. I wouldn’t say no to Lucas or Drew… Ahem. Yes, a very very very… nice… fic. The attitudes of the characters – three of my favourites – were very realistic, although Drew did get a bit romantic towards the end. I suppose he would be if he was trying to win Belle back though. Duh. I was happy that Lucas and Belle weren’t together anymore, but still friends, which should mean that all three of them can remain friends now that Drew’s moved in on Belle again. That’s what I like to see. *** After reviewing my reviews, I don’t think I can go past Entry No3: Unfinished Business to get my vote. Although I couldn’t fault We’ll Be, Unfinished Business really made me think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenpuddings Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Yay. I’m so excited about this challenge. I totally agree with SKYKAT, the quality of these stories was amazing… and I’m also a little disappointed with the lack of Sex & Candy, but, we’ll get to that later. Return/No Return – I like the title, to begin with, and while that made it a little obvious about which prompt you used, I feel that the description of the emotions felt by Kit emphasised it, and personally, I loved that. I don’t often read Kit/Noah centric stories, but found this one completely gripping at me subconscious as I read on. Kit has, for some time, been one of my favourite characters, and you wrote her character to a tee. It’s funny how different everything looks at night. That line reminded me of one in a novel, and instantly, you had me. The flashing between scenes of Kit and Beth on the phone was wonderful. Kit hung up. She couldn’t stand the silence. That struck me as something typically Kit. And after that I was drawn into everything. ”I know what you mean,” he said, sounding distant, ”but you wouldn’t understand.” All of a sudden he felt close again. ”Try me!” Kit said. And that interaction between Kit and Noah make it more than real for me. It was like I could see their conversation taking place. Their banter, that would always be between them, their secret. In some weird way it felt like there were two empty holes in Kit’s heart. One for Noah and one for Sarah. She felt guilty about that too. Feeling sorry for Sarah, the woman who caused everyone in the Bay so much suffer and pain. The introduction of Sarah was interesting, mainly because I can’t remember it being tackled by anyone other than Dani (maybe, could be wrong?) in the series, but I was so intrigued how Kit managed to make everything fit into place about Sarah, and almost justify her actions. She showed an amount of empathy that only Kit could (coz she’s one of those amazing characters who grew and changed in front of our eyes), and I really enjoyed that part of the story. And of course, the wine. Just one drink, and the pain, and the sorrow; it would all go away… Was it worth it? She really has an inner battle about this, doesn’t she? And Noah, always her guiding light, shows up one more time to be there for her… despite the fact he knows she has it within herself to stop… she just needs to be reminded one more time. Amazing piece of writing there. Really wonderful! - One Kiss, Goodbye – Again, the prompt becomes obvious in the title, but as I read the story, I really enjoyed how you managed to make it that much more than a simple goodbye. It became everything to them, what they existed for, and that was shown by the final moments, with him, a collective of all the males, as he almost swears he will die by her. The beginning was haunting. His piercing screams filled my ears, as my whole world turned that haze of grey that filled dreams, with images floating within. And then, it jumped to new characters, and I became a little confused for a while, until the pattern began to make sense. The same ‘destiny’ – but different people, different times… somewhat different stories, but the outcome always the same. I’ll admit, it got me that it was only marginally about characters from H&A, but that didn’t seem to matter in the end, because I was intrigued by all these stories, and attached to all these people, who were living the same life. But a sudden crack of thunder rang though my ears, and my body recoiled from him touch, fleeting memories of a past long gone resurfacing, suffocating me silently Soaked through instantly, I could only imagine being lost out here would somehow mask the pain I was feeling. “Roscoe, you weren’t supposed to fall in love with me.” I cried, turning to face him. “You can’t fall in love with me,” I continued screaming, as bright flashes of light struck around me. “Not when I always die.” I whispered, as one final flash blinded me. I loved the storm, and how it always managed to surface, no matter what time period… how it became their metaphor for the end. Until finally, he knew that he had to wait it out until: How many more days would we see out like this, until the storm on the horizon brewed, until our time came? My only criticism, would be that each pairing needs a back story. We saw snippets, but each time I read their ending, I always felt as if there would have been so much more of a beginning that we should have been allowed to see. Even if it had just been Cassie and Rocco, because I feel that maybe there wasn’t quite enough justification in that pairing, other than that they found one another in their time of need. Right now, I couldn’t see their characters doing that. Other than that, it was so captivating! - Unfinished Business – Intriguing beginning, with no names being used. It was only him and her, and I loved the ambiguity of it all… loved how it could have been anyone… mainly because it allowed for the emotions to show through. And then, when I found out it was Amanda, while I was shocked, I was also surprised about your writing ability to create such a sad, lonesome image of someone who is always painted out to be the town vixen. A tear slipped down her cheek, falling to the ground, the soil taking it down through the ground, to where he had been buried and now rested in peace. Beautiful description really creates empathy for the single character that seems rather alone. No one thought she would miss him, she was supposed to be a cruel woman, and he was an excellent, intelligent, caring man, and compared to her was a heavenly saint,- who despised her. Self angst, so destructive towards herself. That’s very Amanda for me. Self loathing to the max. She cared? Why should she? She was a user, the town vixen. But she was human, and she did have feelings. They had no idea, but it was true. She did. Amazing description, I love how darkly her thoughts are portrayed through your writing. “Yes…Peter…I…Love…” BANG Wow. Did not expect that. Amanda being so selfless… well that’s the picture you painted the entire was through the story. Amanda willing to give it up, just to let Peter know she loved him. I’m also not entirely sure about the prompts used… There was goodbye, and return, but nothing overly substantial… although Jade never really specified that the story needed to revolve around the prompts… and yours did include them, so that’s okay, I guess. And while the story was all tied together nicely, at stage throughout, I felt as if it became more of a recount of her time while he was dead, as opposed to a story. In some parts the words became repetitive, and sometimes it lacked emotive words behind her actions, other times it could have used more description about her life, her feelings… her broken heart. Aside from that, it was a nicely pieced together story, that worked well. I’m also not entirely sure about the prompts used… There was goodbye, and return, but nothing overly substantial… although Jade never really specified that the story needed to revolve around the prompts… and yours did include them, so that’s okay, I guess. - 10 Days – Capital S for nouns. Just my first observation. Wow, that first paragraph is intense, and a little confusing at time. I like what you’re getting at, but maybe it would have worked better if you’d cut it up into smaller parts, which may have increased the intensity level. Especially with your use of rhetorical questions, that worked well. I like how you flash between Sally’s POV and what I basically see as her lessons of life. Sally has lost over 9 pints now, and she can see a white light she has closed her eyes That description is nice, and sweet… creates a wonderful, safe image. Ric’s speech was moving, and so sweet. I loved this part, because it seems so true to Ric’s characters. I couldn’t have hoped for a better mother figure than the one the only Sally Saunders. Sally has been my guiding light through out all of the dark times, and has been the only one who has got me through. And then what Cassie says only emphasises how loved Sally was in the Bay. Now, I get what happened, but I feel that it was almost too rushed? Would Sally really have been forgotten for ten days, because that’s how long you initially claimed it would take to lose all her blood? And while the prompts were used, they were overshadowed by the reunion of Sally and Flynn, which, was rather interesting. Somehow, I expected it to be more… emotional, than that, and in saying that, you did manage to create a story, I just feel it lacked in depth, where emotive or descriptive words could have been used. The ending also felt a little rushed, and that maybe we could have explored everyones feeling of loss, especially maybe Alf’s… I get why Cassie and Ric had their speech at the funeral, but surely Alf would have gotten a turn too? His speech would have been wonderful to read. A nice overall story though. - Breathless – Cute Jack and Martha to begin with. Very in character for both of them… being all sweet and in love… “How do I look?” I asked. He eyes travelled up and down and I could feel myself blushing. I can imagine Martha blushing, just as much as I can imagine Jack looking her up and down. They seem so sweet and innocent throughout the story. And I was actually amazed that after a year of being kissed like that it still left me breathless. Wonderful intertwining of the title into the story, I’m not sure the others have done that, and it made me smile when I read that line, which is also very true to Martha’s character. I liked the continuity of Sally thinking about Flynn, it was a nice touch to add in there, especially as Martha realised she was still tender about the thought of her husband. And nice characterisation with Alf and Colleen, it worked well, and the story just flowed. I ran my fingers throughout his hair and eventually settled on wrapping them around the nape of his neck. His were around my waist. Once again I was left breathless. I like the passionate implications of that description. They seem so in tune with one another, and their love seems stronger than ever before. Also, the addition of breathless works again. And then, nothing. He’s just, gone. That’s where I feel the story becomes rather a let down. There was so much room to actually discuss the prompt (which I guessed was goodbye) rather than just leave it there. I mean, even skipping forward a few months, and having two paragraphs dedicated to the loss of her loved one, would have worked so well… maybe you could have even linked it to Sally, and the fleeting moment they shared at the party? I’d love to have read that, and it would have just completed the story for me. Other than that, it was a very wonderful story! - Mourning – Such an intense title, for an intense story. I don’t know if this was more about their friendship, or an unspoken love that lay deep between them, it was beautifully written. And I felt for the, I felt their friendship and their pain, and the fact that they were alone, lost, together, while one died. He stared up at the pale morning sky. Hints of sunrise reflected in his auburn eyes. Beautiful opening, unlike any other I’ve read before. Stunning description. The sun wasn’t quite up yet, but they could see each other well enough in the pink-grey light. Another beautiful description. Shall I find more for you? This is one of the best stories I’ve read in a long time. They stayed silent for a while, listening instead to the dawn chorus of birds echoing all around them. He just kept staring at the sky, watching the colours change from grayish pinks to gold and purple. Kim supposed that the prospect of his best friend bleeding to death in his arms could bring the most macho of men to tears. A little bit of humour goes a long way. Perfect description there, and it all just fell into place with the rest of the story, and flowed from there. I love how they remember things from the past, how they avoid any conversation about the present, and anything that could go wrong. The mood, for me, is full of deep regret, and melancholy, as if they need to share their secrets, but can’t. “At least you’re not trying to hide it from me,” Kim agreed. “Or, you know, stealing cars.” Superb ending, with that little spark of humour, it just draws to a close the story perfectly. After reading that story, I wanted to rescue Robbie so he could live to see another day… it was so sad for me to read, even though he wasn’t dead yet, it still felt as if the angel of death was waiting at his feet to take him. The only thing I’m not sure about is the prompt. Was Kim saying goodbye to Robbie, or was it the return of the memories shared between them? Either way, I don’t really care, as it just drew me in, word by word, until I became lost in their world. Amazing, truly amazing! Edit Hmm. I actually liked it ending where it was cut off, all, ambiguous and stuff. The ending seemed a little... too dramatic for my taste, especially Kim wanting to die with Robbie. I mean, I'm sure he was cut up about it, but surely Robbie would have wanted Kim to live his life... to be there to support Tasha & the baby... I know he was at a stage of utter despair and loss... but... I dunno. I actually didn't pick up that it had been cut off, which only furthers my belief that this was a well written story, that basically stood alone. But thats just me. - We’ll Be – And hello entry #7. (that’s a new record, right? Six might have even been on, but, seven is awesome! Nice comp Jade) Aherm, back to reviews. This story was well thought out, and written so delicately, and I can’t really formulate words as to how well you write Belle and Drew. “Hello” His smooth voice broke any coherent thoughts that may have been running through her mind at that particular moment. Woo. What an opening line. Her eyes looked up the length of his body Belle would so do that! “Yes,” She replied automatically. “No.” She corrected herself, shaking her head angrily, as he smirked a little at her. I love that, how confused she becomes when she’s around him… and his smirk, as he recognises that he still has that power over her. She also seems to cling to the idea that she and Luke are together, maybe so she can try to be resilient and stay away from his hold over her? “You just left Drew.” She commented, harshly cutting him off. Recoiling from his touch, as if it suddenly burned her, she took a few small steps backwards, as much as spacing would allow. Excellent description. The utter turmoil she feels having him back is so apparent in this part. And his speech about why he left, and didn’t say goodbye, was so heart wrenching, so amazingly written, if she hadn’t of fallen back in love with him, she would have truly had a heart of stone. Their bodies now mingled with the mild night air, that smelt of desire, and a little of sadness… but they were too lost to notice any of that; all they saw was one another. That just about says it all for me. It’s a perfect moment, well and truly. And while I think it was amazing, I just wish there had been a little more at the beginning… maybe more interaction between them, to show how much she was annoyed at him for just leaving? More tension, that’s all I’m asking. Other than that… wow! - Guh, how do you decide on just one? No more votes, next time, its getting too hard. They were all so well fomuated, and all flowed as stories, but in the end, Mourning wins it over for me, because it drew me in more than the others… and I felt what they felt, saw what they saw… and it didn’t matter that it was an AU pairing, or a pairing that I could never write, (or generally read) it was simply flawless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Jade- Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 IMPORTANT NOTICE I'm sorry about this but when the entries were posted the end of No6 was cut off and the author just noticed and let me know. So I've reposted the full edition of No6 in the entries thread. I'm sorry for the inconvenience but if everyone who has already reviewed could just go and read the whole thing and then adjust their reviews then that would be great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skykat Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Re: the ending to Entry 6. I have to admit I'm with Jess, I did love the ambiguous way I thought you'd ended it with the humour but I really, really loved the bit that was missed off. It was such a sad ending, I felt so genuinely moved, I almpst felt like Kim, curling up and going with him. it was so sad how he died just seconds before help arrived. The whole story was flawless but the pulling together at the end was superb and just so sad. really well written. The missing ending probably wouldn't have affected my vote because the story was excellent anyway but the new ending did add something more to it. Amazing writing, you should be proud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Here's my reviews: Return/No return I think the dialogue between Noah and Kit in this story is the best part. I can honestly see the conversation, and how Kit's personality shows even though she's also showing a new side of herself: weakness. In some weird way it felt like there were two empty holes in Kit’s heart. One for Noah and one for Sarah. This seemed a bit strange at the beginning, why would Kit feel sorry for Sarah? But we get an explanation, even though I find it a bit hard to believe that Kit actually feels sorry for Sarah. On one hand she could do it because she knows how it feels not to have control, but on the other hand this is ruined a bit by the part about being guilty for wishing it was someone else that died instead of Noah. It can be a bit hard to see if there's a reason why Kit would forgive the woman who shot, but at the same time center it around wishing it was someone else, if you know what I mean. Again this could be explained with her understanding how it feels not to have control, but is Kit really that kind of a person to dig so deep into emotional situations? I also think there's some clichés (read more about this is my review for entry number 2) in this story, changing a few of the sentences (especially in the conversation between Noah and Kit) would do this story good. But I have to say, I don't think the part with the flashback to Jack Hunter's memorial is a cliché! *** One kiss goodbye I was a bit confused when I started reading, but after a few paragraphs I really started to like it. The title is not giving away too much (I'll get back to it) and all over this is very good. I like how you change the names, and then adjust the language from the situation, but unfortunately I think the "metaphore" (in lack of a better word, in my defence: English is my second language) with the names changing the same story is too weak (that sound's mean, sorry!) The connection looks good, the connection between the stories is easy to see, and you get really into it. The last part confused me a bit, because I thought we'd get a better explanation of the connections, and the same story being told many times. Then to the thing I always comment (all my friends go crazy when I comment their stories, because I'm always way too aware of this is other people's stories), and what I like to call the cliché-trap. In a story like this it's very easy to fall into that trap, so I have to admit: I was looking extra carefully. But I didn't find that many examples, the biggest one is probably this one: And I knew that if I stayed there a moment longer, our love wouldn’t survive but please notice that I'm very picky on this, and I was looking for examples, so when I found this few of them it really doesn't matter for your story that much. I like the twist with the names (as I mentioned) I got one of those feelings I get sometimes when I read: "Aaah! Why didn't I think of that? That is such an obvious twist to make a story good!" and in this case, obvious is NOT negative! *** Unfinished business Good one, good one... This is the kind of story that is easy to read, and I was easily dragged in to the story (more than in entry 1 and 2). BUT... I think you (and here we go again) fell in the "cliché-trap" pretty easy, and that affected the whole story because it kept going on. However, you deserve a compliment for not changing the style by suddenly changing the language! And also, your cliché's did not make it any harder to stay with you, or annoy me that much. Clichés can make it boring and heavy to read, you avoided that, and that's really good! In my opinion the first half of this story is the best, and you really had me wondering who this was about by not giving it away at the beginning. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing, but in this case it's definately a good thing. But then again, I think you would have benefitted from making it a bit clearer at the end, maybe giving away a paragraph going more straight to the facts, clearing up what was really happening. The title may be a bit cliché-ish at first sight, but when you start reading it really isn't, because you don't give away who the characters are, as I said. All over a good story that really got me interested and wanting to find out how this ended. And just one thing that had me wondering (I did not let this influence my review and opinion on the story at all!): It says "120 cm tall" is that right? Because it seems wrong... *** 10 days I really like the end of this story, especially the last sentence! I don't think you have any clichés at all, acutally I think it's kind of opposite. By that I mean that some of the conversations seemed a bit cold and shallow to me (especially Rachel and Kim) and there was a few plot holes in the phone call, between what Brad actually told Rachel, and what Rachel knew afterwards. So I'm saying something I'd never thought I'd say (I should probably link this to all my friends ) : Maybe some more clichés would make it warmer? I really like the dialogue between Sally and Flynn, and I love the twist that you actually make something beautiful and nice out of the one thing no one wants to happen: Sally dying. The coversation between Sally and Flynn is human, warm, and easy to picture with these characters. being kind to them when the kindness was a choice This is a part of a sentece I really like, but with shorter sentences it could be easier to read. This goes for the first parts of the story, it get better after a while, and after a few paragraphs you're really into the story, and it's easy to read. Also, one thing that annoys me (not pointing at your story particularly) the use of past and present tense. The mix makes it a bit harder to read, but the use of italics make it a bit easier again. *** Breathless Well, to start with the title: my first thoughs were "Oh no, not another cliché with Jack and Martha!" but how wrong was I?! I hadn't even read one paragraph before I loved it. Just the way you capture the characters' personalities, and especially Martha's feelings! (I have an idea who wrote this EDIT: No I don't. I just though so, and then I read the next story) The enidng really surprised me, even shocked and my first reaction to it was that is was a bad ending. I did change my mind after thinking through it one more time and now I like it. It's original, so it just took some getting used to. The language you're using, and the switching between conversation and thoughts is great, and makes it really easy to read. Even though you expect more, you have to look back after finishing reading it and ask yourself: Is there really any need for more? What more should have happened? I don't have the answer. and that's good, because if I had there would be something missing. I do think however that there should maybe have been some more connections between the story that went on, and the end except for the stating of the love between Jack and Martha. But I also think this could have ruined the shock, and the effect of the shock the ending gives you. Some more mataphores and connections could have made it better, but then they had to be extremely well written, so it could be a good thing you didn't take that chance. *** Mourning Where to start, where to start... This is great! The language is good, the characters are very believeable (so believeable it's almost scary), the title is good, the ending is good, the storyline is GREAT! I wanted to pick out a few of my favourite sentences, but I found it really hard (there were so many of them!) so here's two of the sentences I like the most: “You’re a tough guy, Kim… I’ve never been like that… And since you’ve been my friend, I’ve never had to be. You’ve always been there to take care of me…” Kim supposed that the prospect of his best friend bleeding to death in his arms could bring the most macho of men to tears. All over a great, great story!!! Nothing more to say about that! *** We'll be This is just getting harder and harder... another great story! I really like the storyline, and you have good dialogues. BUT... I think you fell into the (I don't need to say the words, do I ) cliché trap with the speech Drew gave Belle about everything Lucas gave her that he did wrong. This does not effect the story that much, though, so you're getting away with it. Another small detail I would have changed is that you begin two paragraphs almost exactly like each other (referring to the paragraphs that start with " 'Taylor!' ..." ) but this is just a small detail, and it's not very important. A great story overall! *** The conclusion: Okay, so I've read and reviewed all the stories, and they were all great. I know I've been digging into details, and I've been very honest with all of you. It's not my intension to hurt anyone, so I hope I didn't with my comments and reviews. As I said, most of it is just details, and trust me, these stroies are all very good, and you should all be proud of them! However I have to pick a favourite to give my vote to: After reading them all I was basically down to three stories I wanted to vote for. Entry 5, 6 and 7. However I had to eliminate number 7, not because it's a bad story (Not at all!) but just because the two others are so outstanding. Details made me reach the decision, and it was really hard. Because of the number 5 being pretty shocking, and a story you have to reflect over after reading it I had to question this, but at the same time the shock really has a great effect. The final decision came down to details of the storyline, and my vote goes to entry number 6, Mourning. EDIT: I wrote the wrong number, but fixed it now, so just to make it clear: number 6 gets my vote! Great work everyone, may the best fic win! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted December 9, 2006 Report Share Posted December 9, 2006 Okay, I just cut and pasted all the entries ready to read later as I'm going Xmas shopping in a few minutes. Can anyone tell me before I review - I can't remember - did the fics have to have the words "sex and candy" in them? And was the theme "goodbye"? Thanks for your help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmasi Posted December 9, 2006 Report Share Posted December 9, 2006 There were four prompts. Goodbye Arrivals Return Sex and Candy Suthors had to choose one of those prompts to base their fic around. The whole thing's posted here: http://backtothebay.com/forum/index.php?sh...4499&st=520 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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