The LOL thread

[zzazzb]

^^ sucks to be him

i just revieved this in an e-mail...

On Sears hair dryer:

Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners:

Serving suggestions: Defrost.

Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:

Do not turn upside down.

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:

Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:

Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:

Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume:

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chain saw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a toboggan:

Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

On a knife sharpener:

Caution: knives are sharp.

On shin pads for cyclists:

Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

On a take away coffee cup:

Caution: Hot beverages are hot.

Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:

In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.

In a microwave oven manual:

Do not use for drying pets.

On the back of a pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft:

Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.

On the bottom of a cola bottle:

Do not open here.

On a Harry Potter wizards broom:

This broom does not actually fly.

On a box of aspirin:

Do not take if allergic to aspirin.

On a bottle of laundry detergent:

Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

On a muffin packet:

Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

In a kettle instruction manual:

The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position.

On a ketchup bottle:

Instructions: Put on food.

On a bottle of rum:

Open bottle before drinking.

A car park sign:

Entrance only. Do not enter.

A sign in a street in Hong Kong:

Beware of people.

Rules on a tram in Prague:

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.

Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:

Take care: new non-slip surface.

On a can of air freshener:

For use by trained personnel only.

On a bottle of baby lotion:

Keep away from children.

On a pair of socks bought in egypt:

Do not wash.

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:

Some assembly required.

On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:

May irritate eyes.

On a Frisbee:

Warning: may contain small parts.

In a car handbook:

In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.

On a packet of cashew nut pieces:

Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.

Directions for mosquito repellant:

Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one.

On a birthday card for a one year old:

Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.

In a hotel bedroom:

Please do not turn on TV except when in use.

In a lift in a Japanese hotel:

Push this button in case anything happens.

On a toilet cleaning brush:

Do not use orally.

On a can of Spray paint:

Do not spray in your face.

On a TV remote:

Not Dishwasher safe.

On a blowtorch:

Not used for drying hair.

On a washing machine inn a launderette:

No small children.

On a bottle of hair dye:

Do not use as Ice Cream topping.

On a push along lawn mower:

Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.

On a box of fireworks:

Do not put in mouth.

On the packaging for a wrist watch:

Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.

In a dishwasher manual:

Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.

On a toaster:

Do not use underwater.

On a mattress:

Do not attempt to swallow.

[carmelle]

^^

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[Formerly Known as FKAJ]

A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?

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A BRICK!!!!

[Anaya]

Found this on the internet. I did physics A level so I'm not sure if this is funny to others but I thought it was great! If only I had the courage to do this on my exam papers

Oh and no offence meant to anyone of any religion:

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a Universityof Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Quote:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and

heatswhen it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, thenthe temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

This is brilliant! So funny & so clever. The Teresa bit is hilarious. I'm doing Chemistry/Physics A Level currently & I for one sure know I would never have the guts to give an answer like that.

[jenlee]

What are the two sexiest animals?

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Brown chick and brown cow (say it three times, fast)

[Izzy H]

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

[Barbara]

Low-cost flights:

[Cal]

Low-cost flights:

Ryanair are the worst airline ever.

[Eli]

What's actually true (and sad) though, is that Ryanair is planning to introduce a bathroom fee. And I'm not even kidding about that! They're seriously planning on charging people for using the toilet...

That complaint letter is hilarious btw

[Barbara]

Ryanair are the worst airline ever.

I know several people who agree with you, my parents and 2 other relatives being some of them. They all even sent them a letter to complain but they don't even bother to reply. I'm guessing they get a lot of those letters.

What's actually true (and sad) though, is that Ryanair is planning to introduce a bathroom fee. And I'm not even kidding about that! They're seriously planning on charging people for using the toilet...

That complaint letter is hilarious btw

I've heard that too. How stupid is that? I know Ryanair usually do short flights but seriously