I love music Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 ”Ooh, tell me please, I’m dying to hear it!” Cindy laughed and lighted up a cigarette from a brand new carton. ”Some hooker got stabbed down at the dock,” Dalby said, ”A pimp was arrested, and the police are looking for a runaway woman from Queensland.” ”Yeah, I heard about that woman,” Cindy muttered, and took a deep drag, filling her lungs with smoke. ”Apparently they are trapping up the search in two weeks if they can’t find her,” Dalby said, ignoring Cindy’s smoke-choking. ”Why are they looking for her anyway?” Cindy asked, ”If she’s just a runaway I mean?” Dalby shrugged. ”Old Rosie on the corner claims she ran away because she was charged with murder,” he said, ”But old Rosie also claims she is a reincarnated, Buddhist man.” Brilliant chapter, Eli. The above in particular was fantastic dialogue, sounded just like real street talk. It might be best if you put Ric’s memory scenes in italics (or put Yesterday as a title each time) to make it clear they’re flashbacks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks! I was thinking about the italics when I was writing, but I decided not to. Not sure why, really... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted March 1, 2007 Report Share Posted March 1, 2007 With her dark blond hair, dark, suspicious eyes and worn down clothes she was nothing to the busy business men and woman hurrying through the street to get to work but a homeless person. That would have read better just as: With her dark blond hair, dark, suspicious eyes and worn down clothes she was nothing to the busy business men and woman hurrying through the street to get to work. Most people don’t even “see” the homeless, let alone think of them as a person. Somehow it reminded him of a volcano; silent and dead-like, with danger and chaos right under the surface. Loved the description of how it was for Dalby with his parents always rowing, especially that line. Great drama with old Rosie. I get the feeling Catherine Lowell is going to make an appearance soon...? Creepy stuff, Eli! I don't normally like violent fics but I think you'll do it well and build up the characters so I'm looking forward to what's going to happen next. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted March 3, 2007 Report Share Posted March 3, 2007 (edited) Thanks for the review ILM I wasn't sure about the line you suggested to short down when I wrote it. I thought it was too long, but unfortunately I couldn't really find a way to short it down that worked. I liked your suggestion though. And about Catherine Lowell... Well, all I can say is that I'm not done with her yet And you mentioned Rosie: She's supposed to be... I don't know, kind of a street-version of Colleen Smart, only with way more theories about what's right and wrong Edited March 3, 2007 by Eli Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Amy~ Posted April 2, 2007 Report Share Posted April 2, 2007 Oooh excellent writing, Eli! This was one of the weird things about hanging out with Cindy; you got used to talking about drugs like it was the laundry, and older women standing at the corner, screaming bloody murder (and in Rosie’s case, literally screaming ’bloody murder’) no longer made you turn around to see what was going on. I really loved this paragraph, Cindy just gets more and more intruiging (and less like the blonde Cindy. ) as it goes on. If only she were an actual character, could spice things up..... They're running away!?! I can definitely seeing this causing some drama. I'm loving this; update soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted April 2, 2007 Report Share Posted April 2, 2007 Thanks Amy, I'll try to update again soon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted April 2, 2007 Report Share Posted April 2, 2007 ”She’s gettin’ closer! She’s gettin’ closer!” Cindy put out her cigarette on the pavement and raised an eyebrow, watching Old Rosie standing at the corner shouting. It was one of her screaming days, she had them every once in a while. Days when she didn’t hear or see anyone, she just stood there screaming about everything. Today the topic of course was Catherine Lowell. ”I’m guessing someone had a bad trip this morning,” Dalby muttered, shaking his head. This was one of the weird things about hanging out with Cindy; you got used to talking about drugs like it was the laundry, and older women standing at the corner, screaming bloody murder (and in Rosie’s case, literally screaming ’bloody murder’) no longer made you turn around to see what was going on. This was my favourite part. Rosie gets more and more intriguing! (As does the mysterious Catherine Lovell ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted April 8, 2007 Report Share Posted April 8, 2007 That's really good, Eli. You capture the "coldness" of life on the street really well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted April 8, 2007 Report Share Posted April 8, 2007 Thankyou very much, I was a bit worried about this chapter as it should have been a lot longer... I think it would have been better with the next chapter in this chapter as well, but that would have been too long, so I divided them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted April 12, 2007 Report Share Posted April 12, 2007 Nice chapter, Eli. I can see Cindy and Dalby falling for each other! I was a bit puzzled about the Oscar/Catherine till I realised who she was. Very dramatic ending, I was holding my breath! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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