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Return of the Bay Jedi

Guest Red Ranger 1

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Here you go. Hope this chapter's alright.

Chapter 11

Emperor Alfatine’s eyes gleam with intense excitement as Xavier’s and Darth Palmer’s brightly lit green and red lightsabers whizz through the air before his very eyes. Why this was even more of a better sight than when he caught the tastiest looking fish on his days off at being the big bad evil emperor.

Xavier and Darth Palmer both sigh but not from the tiredness of their very aggressive lightsaber battle. Their sighs are because of Emperor Alfatine’s over the top cheering and manic clapping. Alfatine is so lost in the moment of excitement that he hasn’t noticed Xavier and Palmer have paused the battle he is loving so much and are now staring across at him.

“Do you think he will ever notice we have stopped fighting father?” Xavier asks a rather panting Darth Palmer.

“Give him a second my son.”

A few more seconds past where Alfatine excited cheers for the battle he thinks he is still watching bounce off the walls of the Death Star.

“Oh man I have had enough of this” Xavier says as he coughs slightly to catch the emperor’s attention.

“What oh yes, WHY HAVE YOU TWO GALAH’S STOPPED FIGHTING?” Emperor Alfatine bellows.

“Because we can’t hear ourselves think with all your insane clapping and cheering that’s why” Xavier moans.

“And why shouldn’t I be excited young Skywalker? You are about to accept your destiny of joining the darkside.”

“NEVER” Xavier screams raising his lightsaber high into the air and letting it hit Darth Palmers hovering lightsaber. This catches his breathless Daddy off guard and sends him tumbling down a nearby flight of stairs.

“Oh my God I’m sorry Father are you hurt? I don’t want to hurt you if I can help it.” Xavier mutters as he runs to the bottom of the stairs where Darth Palmer is lying in a heap on the shiny floor of the Death Star.

“That’s it my young Galah feel that rage inside you, let it guide you over to the darkside.” Alfatine chuckles from where he sits.

“Have you hurt your head father?” Xavier asks kneeling down while cradling Palmer in his arms.

“Er don’t be so dumb Xavier of course I haven’t. What do you this black helmet I wear is for why its to protect my noggin” Darth Palmer then leaps back to his feet.


“No I will not fight you father” Xavier says.

“What are you a wuss?”

“No I……..”

“YOU ARE UNWISE TO LOWER YOUR DEFENCES” Palmer screams as he tries to strike Xavier down with an attacking blow. But this is easily blocked off by quick fast reactions and a flick of the wrist action from the young Jedi.

“I feel the good in you father” Xavier says as he does a backward leap onto a overhanging balcony.

“There is no good in me my son only evil. And if you don’t come around to the ways of the darkside soon, then you will have to meet your destiny” Palmer then sends his lightsaber sailing through the air towards our young Jedi hero.

Xavier moves in the nick of time but isn’t fast enough to stop the lightsaber from cutting through the metal bars of the overhung balcony.

“STONE THE FLAMING CROWS PALMER THAT WAS A FLAMING GOOD SHOT Alfatine shouts clapping he walks over to the collapsed balcony. Xavier Skywalker quickly gets to his feet, and before Darth Palmer or Alfatine can stop him he has run off to hide within the darkness of the Death Star.

“Well what’s the code? You two are geeks and even you can’t crack it.”

“Master Solo will you change that attitude please?” Dex3PO asks.

Romeo tries his best to look angry.

“What are you doing?”

“My angry face I’m very upset with you right now Dex3PO” Romeo says.

“Really, well you could of fooled me” Dex3PO says shrugging.

“Ah look Chief Lottie has found something” Dex3PO says as he starts to run over to her.

“Oh my Lottie you’re very clever, AprilD2 and I have been racking our brains of what this code is but it looks like you have beat us to it.”

VJ pushes back some brushes to reveal a large button hidden behind which is slotted into the wall.

“Would you believe this AprilD2? Lottie has found this large button behind these brushes here….”

“I think you should stop praising Chief Lottie now Dex, by the way AprilD2 is looking at you I think she may very well turn into a killer droid any second” Princess Indi advises.

Dex3PO nods in agreement as he takes a quick look at AprilD2 sulking. He then looks back at the big grey button in the wall to the forcefield generator with its blue writing on which says


“Romeo would you like to do the honours of pressing the button?”

Meanwhile back on the Death Star Xavier and Darth Palmer are playing a game of hide and seek.

“Oh Xavier where are you? You can’t hide forever.” Palmer says as he wonders how on earth Xavier had hid so well in the darkness of the Death Star, after all he was a Jedi and not Batman.

“I’m not coming out I won’t let you find me father.” Xavier’s voice is heard saying echoing off the Death star’s walls.

“It doesn’t matter your thoughts for you friends will help me seek you out” Palmer says as he sweeps through the darkness.

“Oh yes Obi- Miles hid someone away from me, oh and you have strong feelings for this person, who is it?”

“No I don’t have strong feelings I……”

Yes you do have very strong feelings for this person. Dirty feelings in fact lustful feelings, you find this person hot you think of this person as a fit babe” Darth Palmer chuckles.

“No stop it get out of my head” Xavier yells from somewhere in the darkness.

“This person you have the hots for is….. drum roll please Alfatine.”

A distant drum can all of sudden be heard in the distance. When Plamer can hear this he carries on.

“You have the hots for your twin sister Xavier, I may just bring her over to the darkside I………”Darth Palmer stops talking as realisation of what he just said dawns on him.


“Yep so what I can’t help it” Xavier protests.


“But it aids me in drawing you out from your hiding place.” Darth Palmer laughs.

“Oh really I can’t see how…..”

“Xavier fancies his sister, Xavier fancies his sister, Xavier fancies his sister” Palmer teases.

Xavier suddenly jumps out from the shadows of darkness screaming out in anger.


Their lightsabers clash against each others as Xavier forces Darth Palmer back in his rage.

“Have I touched upon a nerve my son?”

“You should of stayed away from my thoughts father, I didn’t want you finding out I have the hots for Indi.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOO EMBARRASSED.”

Xavier forces Darth Palmer to his knees.

“Oh don’t worry my son I won’t spread it round if you join the darkside. Palmer chuckles.


Xavier lifts his lightsaber high and brings it crashing down and through Darth Palmers wrist.


Darth Palmer holds his hand out to him.

Xavier takes hold and gives it a quick tug.


“What is it father?”

“MY HAND, MY HAND Palmer yells pointing at Xavier.

“What about it?” Xavier then peers at where Palmer is pointing.

Xavier gulps as he sees that he is holding his fathers chopped off hand.

“MY HAND YOU CHOPPED IT OFF MY SON GRRRRRRRRR.” “OWWWWWWWWWWWW” Darth Palmer screams and with that Xavier Skywaker screams also. Emperor Alfatine covers his ears as he tries his best to block their screams out.

“Stone the flaming crows you two are flaming loud. Xavier I’m going to ask you one last time, are you ready to become a galah a join the darkside at my side?” Emperor Alfatine asks one last time.

“NEVER” Xavier screams as he does so he flings Darth Palmer’s hand away. Darth Palmer meanwhile has gotten to his feet.

“Then I have no idea what to do now, I really expected you to just get sick of being asked and just give in.”

“NEVER” Xavier screams once again.

Emperor Alfatine can feel his anger beginning to boil. He start to feel a strange tingling in his fingertips which he has never felt before.

“What is wrong my Emperor?” Palmer asks.

“I don’t know I feel queasy I……..” Blue shooting lasers begin to shoot from Alfatine’s fingers.

“Oh cool that looks awesome” Xavier says going over to have a closer look. Xavier is suddenly caught up in Alfatine’s blue laser beam.


“Strike me handsome these fingertip lasers are flaming good” Alfatine says sounding very impressed.

“What it feel like my rEmpero?” Palmer asks.

“It’s great gives me a sort of a flaming rush you know” Alfatine says smiling.

Xavier meanwhile is still caught up in the pain that the blue lasers are causing him.

“Yes take that you great galah, you will join the darkside or you will die Xavier Skywalker” Emperor Alfatine says.

“Oh is this the ideal time for some evil laughter my Emperor?” Palmer asks.

“Why yes Palmer it flaming well is” Emperor Alfatine answers.

And with that both Darth Palmer and Emperor Alfatine throw their heads back laughing the most evil laugh they had ever laughed. EVER

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  • 1 month later...

It’s taken quite a while, but I REALLY hope you all enjoy the EPIC finale of our SW/H&A trilogy ……

Chapter 12 [aka THE FINALE] !!!

As Emporer Alfatine continues to fire at Xavier Skywalker with his fingertip lasers .,,,,,,

Alfatine “Lord Palmer, my old friend, these fingertip lasers are just the best way EVER to do a flamin’ barbeque. Now, once I’m done and he’s roasted, any preferences??? I’m keen on a thigh myself, but if young Skywalker were a girl, a breast would have been my flamin’ choice.”

Darth Palmer is torn. He can hear the shrieking, painful cries of his son, but he also wants to remain loyal to his Master, Emporer Alfatine. Darth Palmer also isn’t that keen on going all cannibal on his own son .......and he hears the Xavier Skywalker's thoughts. Xavier can’t verbalize them, as he is too much in pain, but Darth Plamer can "hear" them using the Force ……

Xavier Skywalker [thoughts] “Father, you’ve GOT to help me. You were NEVER around when I was a kid. I wanted to play space football with you and get you to help with my maths homework, cos I sucked at maths, but you were NEVER there !!!!!!”

All of a sudden, Darth Palmer can’t take it anymore. Emporer Alfatine is killing his son …..so Darth Palmer goes over to the Emporer and, using ALL his strength, picks up Alfatine and throws him over the balcony ……into the GIANT barbeque that is the central power source for this Death Star. There’s a BIG explosion. Both Darth Palmer and Xavier Skywalker are exhausted after what’s happened.


Meanwhile, the Rebels on Palmy Beachy Bay have blown up the bunker which provides the energy shield for the Death Star, so the Sasha Calrissian led fleet of Rebel fighters heads into the superstructure of the immense Imperial battle station. Several Imperial fighters follow them, but Sasha [aboard the Blaxlandium Falcon] has got other things on her mind …..

Sasha Calrissian “Felix, do you think Romeo likes me??? I mean, we’ve been friends for soooooo long AND he seems to be into that Princess Indi chick. Yeah, so what do you think???”

Felix Numb “We’re in the middle of a MAJOR battle, that could decide the fate of the galaxy, and THAT’S what you are thinking about!!!!! BOYS ?!?!?”

Sasha Calrissian “The heart wants what the heart wants.”

Felix Numb “Last time I checked, we are in a SPACE opera, not a SOAP opera.”

Sasha Calrissian [harried] “Alright. Alright. Alriiiiiiiight !!!!! [deep breath] Back to killing bad guys we go.”

Casey Antilles [aboard his X Wing] “Sounds like a GREAT plan to me, Gold Leader.”


Inside the Death Star, Xavier Skywalker is carrying his VERY injured father, Darth Palmer to a ship, so they can get off this “rock” before the Rebels destroy it. They make it to a shuttle, but as Xavier rests for a bit …..

Darth Palmer [all but breathless] “Son, help me take this mask off.”

Xavier Skywalker “But ….but you’ll ……die ……and why DO you wear that whole mask thing anyway?”

Darth Palmer “I will ……..tell you, but take the mask off 1st. Let me see you with my OWN eyes.”

Xavier Skywalker removes the mask from his father’s head ….and sees his dad JOHN Palmer’s real face for the 1st time …..

Xavier Skywalker “They’re some WICKED battle scars. I wouldn’t have wanted to be the dude you were up against.”

John Palmer “I …….don’t have much time, but I will say, NEVER try to go surfing on the rivers of Mustafar.”

Xavier Skywalker [upon hearing those comments and some of John’s thoughts as well] “You were seeing if the lava rivers of Mustafar were a good place for the Jedi surf carnival !?!?!?!? And I thought I’D make some WOEFUL decisions in my life.”

Xavier Skywalker looks down, and sees his father breathe his last breath. Xavier can’t believe it, but he has little time to comprehend what’s occurred ……as he sees a familiar droid approach him ……

Xavier Skywalker “RubyZ90 !!!! What are you doing here ????”

Moments later, Xavier is SHOCKED ….as the droid turns into a WOMAN !!!! in her early 20s !!!!!!!

Ruby Jade [excitedly] “I’m FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [she runs to the nearby Xavier and kisses him] Xav, you’re just the BEST!!!!!!”

Xavier Skywalker [confused] “Who ? What ? Who are you ……apart from a person who formally was my droid?”

Ruby Jade “The name’s Ruby Jade. I was, I AM a Jedi. Darth Palmer wanted me to turn to the Dark Side in the final days of the Clone Wars, but I resisted ……… "

Xavier Skywalker [cutting in] “And let me guess. He turned you into a droid.”

Ruby Jude “Got it in one. ANd now that both Palmer AND the Emporer are dead, I'm FREE of the EVIL Sith spell they put on me. [Heart all aflutter as she stares deeply into the eyes of the man who’s just BEYOND saved her] Xav, I just KNOW that we’d be GREAT together. Yeah, we’re both Jedi ….so we can, like, start up a new Jedi Academy ….just like in the old days. Before the Empire. I just LOOOOOOOOVE you sooooooo much.”

Ruby Jade kisses Xavier Skywalker once more ……..and the latter continues to be taken aback but ALL that is going in. Xavier steadies himself ……and really thinks this through. He looks at Ruby Jade, and not only does he LOOOVE what he sees, but also how AWESOME her suggestion is. HOWEVER, there is one thing worryingly him. Something from her past, that he “hears” when he reads her thoughts …..

Xavier Skywalker “Ok, I totally like this. ALL of this. All of you ……but ….. "

Ruby Jade [kinda innocently] “But what ???”

Xavier Skywalker “Just don’t CHEAT on me. ESPECIALLY with a teacher or instructor.”

Ruby Jade [sarcastically, knowing that he knows her past] “Like I would do that. [pause] Suggest we get out of here.”

Xavier Skywalker “Yep. Help me carry my dad into the ship, will you?”

Ruby Jade “Since he’s dead, sure will.”


As Xavier & Ruby get themselves AND the body of John Palmer aboard a shuttle, the squadrons of Rebel fighters approach the centre of the Death Star. Although several Rebel fighters are destroyed by the enemy fighters, the Blaxlandium Falcon AND Casey’s X Wing fighter make it through to the main reactor chamber at the centre of the Death Star. Sasha & Casey fire their ship’s torpedoes at the reactor, causing a chain reaction which DESTROYS !!!!!!! the station ……. but not before all the Rebel personnel [including Xavier, Ruby, Sasha & Casey] are well clear!!!!!

On Palmy Beachy Bay, Romeo Solo et al see that the Death Star has been destroyed. They are elated, but Romeo Solo notes the Princess Indi looks ....... wistful and intriguing .....

Romeo Solo “There’s no way i can be that lucky that Xavier was on that thing when it went KABOOOOM!!!!”

Princess Indi “ Nah. I just know he wasn’t”

Romeo Solo “You love him, don’t you?”

Princess Indi ”Of course.”

Romeo Solo [despondent] “That’s OK. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Hey, that’s an idea. I could hook up with Admiral Morag.”

Princess Indi “Back up the truck, fly boy. I meant that I love Xavier cos he’s my BROTHER!!!!!”

Romeo Solo “OMG!!!!!!”

Princess Indi “ Yeah, that’s one way to describe it. [deep breath] Just kiss me, you fool. I wanna have your babies.”

Romeo Solo “Sounds like a plan to me.”

The 2 lovebirds kiss, with Ruby Jade & Xavier Skywalker doing the same as their shuttle flies on auto pilot towards Palmy Beachy Bay.


Not long after, the Rebels AND the rest of the galaxy celebrates the Rebel victory/the end of the Empire. Indi, Xavier & Ruby set alright a funeral pyre which engulfs the body of Indi & Xavier’s father, John Palmer.

However, Romeo Solo AND Liambacca have other ideas …..approaching the fire with uncooked meat in hand ….

Ruby Jade “Eeeeeeew. That’s GROSE.”

Xavier “Yeah, I KNOW that the Emporer likes barbeques, but you CAN’T do one form the fire with my dad’s body in it.”

Romeo Solo “I guess we could just have salad, JUST for today.

Dex 3P0 “General Solo, Chief Lottie’s made some GREAT suggestions. Mostly just to use another fire for a barbeque, but some that involves me & her and some ……intriguing cross species bonding ….[dreamy voice] if you get my drift.”

As AprilD2 muchly deeps in disapproval, Xavier Skywalker goes away from the rest of the group for a bit – he sees the ghosts/sprits of Rabbit [in her prime], Obi-Miles Kenobi and John Palmer [pre the Mustafar incident]. He smiles at them, but doesn’t hear someone approaching .....

Ruby Jade “It’s good to see Rabbit & Obi-Miles again. Can’t say the same bout your dad, but at least he bought us together."

Ruby & Xavier rejoin their comrades and as the Rebels & Ewoks celebrate their ENORMOUS victory, Princess Indi & her friends also talk about all the crazy relationship sitches that have been/are going through........

Xavier Skywalker "What a weird sitch. No wonder I fell for Rubes when she was a droid."

Ruby Jade "That's cos, in ANY form, I'm IRRESISTABLE !!!!!"

Romeo Solo [shaking his head] “Like but seriously, Sasha. You’re my BEST friend.”

Sasha Calrissian “Yeah, cos THAT’S what a girl wants to hear from the guy she’s in LOVE with.”

Princess Indi "Sash, Romeo is soooooooooooooooooo MINE."

Ruby Jade “You guys are HOPELESS, and besides ............”

Everyone reading this fic “This is SPACE opera, not a SOAP opera!!!!!!!”

THE END !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note – Ruby Jade = Mara Jade, Luke Skywalker’s wife [and the mother of his children] in the post RETURN OF THE JEDI Star Wars universe !!!!!


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