This Is Me. But Who Am I?

[tasha7905]

Type of Story: Long Fic

Rating: A (SC & D)

Characters:Lucas, Belle. Matilda Ric and Henry

Genre: Drama and Romance

Warnings: Sexual Content and Death.

Summary: 5 teenagers trying to figure out their lives and who they are. A tale of Love, Lust, Sorrow and Tragedy.

Chapter 1 - The bay

Everything changed when I moved to the bay 2 years ago, mostly for the better. I remember the first day we drove in, I couldnt believe how amazing it was.

I was gazing out of my brothers car window and thats when I saw them. Two girls both pretty and both strutting confidently along the beach. One turned and saw me watching she smiled and waved. I shyly smiled back not really sure what to do.

"looks like you have pulled little brother" I remember my brother Jack saying.Now to me at 15 pulled was a foreign concept. I wasnt the sort of guy girls went for, but man did that change.

Anyway back to the girls, little did I know then but one of them would become a huge part of my life, she swould show me a different way of life, teach me things I'd never dreamed of. She would try and show me who I was or who I could be. You see the girl was Belle Taylor and she would become my best friend.

After I had unpacked a bit that day. I walked along the beach and saw her again. People that know me would say that Im not confidant at all, well I wasnt so if she hadnt approached me my first day in the bay then my life would be different now. Looking back that may not be such a bad thing, it would have saved a lot of us a lot of pain.

So here I am Lucas Holden now 17 telling my story. I guess its a tale of Love, Lust, Friendship and Sorrow.

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Hope people like this. I will still be continuing Can happiness happen? but it has nearly finished so thought I would start another fic, Please review.

[tasha7905]

Chapter 2 - Belle

A week of being in the bay and i had only really met Belle. She had tried to introduce me to her girlfriends but I wasnt ready. I hadnt ever really associated with girls they kind of scared me.

My second day in the bay I had told her my insecurities about girls, you see she had this way of making me open up even if I didnt want to. I would come to realise that Belle could make me do anything, which sometimes is a really great thing other times it was the worst thing ever.

Going back to my insecurities, when I told her that girls scared me she just laughed at me. Simply, sweetly not maliciously.

"Im a girl, in case you hadnt noticed Holden" she said to me. To this day I can only think of a few situations where she has called me Lucas, (But they are stories for later).

"Ive noticed" I replied I think I was blushing. I may not have been confident with girls or for that matter experienced, but I was 15 and she was stood in front of me in a bikini. How could I not have noticed.

Belle was really great to be around, and although I realised she was a girl I didnt think of her like that. She was my mate and would become my best mate, well among other things. Being around her I was comfortable, relaxed.

The first week I spent with her was great fun, we swam, surfed and generally just mucked about, but she was getting frustrated.

"You have to meet them Holden. I want all my friends to be friends, Its not all girls I know guys too" she was pleading with me.

I couldnt say no. "Ok" I said begrudgingly.

So this was to be the beginning of our friendships the five of us, each I will explain in this story. Where it was to lead none of us could have known, and if we had I dont think we would have believed it. But one thing we all agree on no matter what has happened to us or where we are now, It was one hell of a journey.

[tasha7905]

Chapter 3 - The Meet

"Holden" Belle shouted at me. I was dragging my feet behind her. It was my second week in the bay and I was meeting her friends. I really didnt know how to interact with new people. We got to the beach despite my best efforts to stall our arrival and she pointed out her friends to me. There were 2 guys and a girl, I remember thinking that at least I was not out numbered by girls.

I walked down with Belle, she clutched my hand, but funnily enough I didnt find it comforting. I remember now how scared I was my throat was dry and my stomach was churning. Looking back it seems stupid.

"Hi guys" Belle said sitting down and dragging me with her. "This is my friend Holden"

"Lucas" I said shyly

"These dorks are Ric and Henry" she continued "and that there is Matilda"

"Hi" I muttered. I was a dork even if I do say so myself.

Both guys said hey, but Matilda just smiled sweetly at me. I found myself staring at her for longer than I probably should have, but she was stunning.

"We were just about to go into the water. You coming?" Ric said. Henry got up and picked up Matilda throwing her over his shoulder she laughed as she tried to put up a fight. The 3 of them ran off, my gaze following Matilda.

"Not to Bad was it?" belle said to me. Well that is what she told me she said. Honestly I was to busy watching Matilda to listen.

"Is that her boyfriend " I asked nodding toward Henry.

"Nope, brother. You should make a move Holden" Belle said as she got up.

Me make a move yea right, I wouldnt even know how. Ok so its time to be honest. I hadnt at 15 well 15 1/2, ever kissed a girl, I hadnt even held hands with a girl, well unless you included Belle. I literally had no experience.

I followed Belle to the water. They were all mucking around dunking each other. I joined in and have to admit it was fun. Henry and Ric were a great laugh. Everything was going well until Matilda and I started play fighting.

She tried to grab me you see and push me into the water but her hand accidently (or at least naive me back then thought it was an accident) brushed the front of my shorts if you get my meaning. I knew that I had stiffened, I may not be experienced but I had explored my own body enough to know the feeling, she carried on fighting me and it made me horny. I can admit it now but back then it was all new to me. She had noticed I knew she had and I felt my face flush. It didnt seem too phase her she just threw me under the water. I took my time coming back up wondering if anyone else had noticed, but of course no one had they were carrying on as normal.

We all walked back up to the sand and Belle suggested that her, Ric and Henry went to get drinks. I have since learnt that she thought it would be nice to leave me alone with Matilda. At the time I wanted to kill her.

So Matilda an I were alone, she put her towel out and laid on her stomach. "Lucas could you put cream on my back please." She asked.

"Yes" I replied but inside I was screaming. I put cream on my hands and gently touched her lower back, I rubbed the cream in movingmy hands slowoly upwards. I couldnt control myself for the second time that day. I finished with the cream and sat down trying to hide my arousedness. She sat up and looked at me.

"Thanks" she said kissing me on the cheek.

Now this was the most contact Id had with a girl, so you can imagine what thoughts I had. She noticed the others coming back.

"By the way " she whispered "Its natural you know dont worry about it"

I could have died. I didnt know what to do. And Im not ashamed to admit it now but as soon as I got home I fantasised about Matilda Hunter.

If only everything that had happened between all of us had been fantasies.

[tasha7905]

Chapter 4 - Lads Talk.

I had now been in the bay for 3 weeks and i felt comfortable with what I then classed as my friends. Today was to be the first time I had been with Henry and Ric without Belle. Yet for once I was excited not nervous.

I sat at the Diner with them amd we were chatting away, when a girl walked in I recognised her, she was the girl that had been with Belle on my first day.

"Who's that " I remember asking them.

"I think Ric is better off answering that one Luc" Henry said as he smirked at Ric.

"her name is Cassie Turner, you will meet her after the Holidays when we go back to school" Ric said.

"Yes, Cause thats all you know about her" Henry said slyly.

Now I wish I hadnt asked the next question, but I did and it was probably one of the points in which my attitude started changing. ( Looking back it is easy to pin point when things changed.) "What do you mean?" I asked naively.

"Ric and our Cass over there have been caught shagging many a time in the past 6 months" Henry said laughing.

"Well at least it was worth it, she has the most fantastic way of........" Ric started to say.

I blocked out the rest of the conversation. So Ric wasnt a virgin it surprised me, I will admit that, but I had many more suprises to come. I felt myself being drawn back into the conversation.

"You should mate its worth it" Ric was saying to Henry.

"No mate, I will find someone else, Dont you worry." Henry replied.

"So your not with Cass" I asked.

"No mate, she is just a bit of fun, she knows the score. hey If henry doesnt want her maybe you should have a go Lucas." Ric said.

I couldnt believe this was happening they actually sat around talking about sex and offering to share girls, from the rest of the conversation that afternoon I learnt that Henry wasnt a virgin either.

"Anyway its party time tomorrow" Henry said

I was glad of a different conversation. I learnt that it was Ric's 16th birthday and they were having a party on the beach.

"I know my sister is hoping you will be there" Henry said winking at me "Just do me a favour and dont tell me any details."

I walked home that night in a daze, Matilda wanted me there, but what did she expect from me, I was petrified I dont mind admitting that, I needed help to understand what I was getting myself into. So I made a phone call.

The phone call that led to a big change for me.

[tasha7905]

Thanks for the reviews guys, Im enjoying writing this at the moment. Here is the next chapter hope you like it.

Warning - Slight sexual content.

Chapter 5 - Being taught

"You rang Holden" Belle said she was standing at my bedroom window.

"Come in." I said.

"Whats up" she said after she had climbed in, she sat on my bed and stared at me waiting for me to speak.

"Matilda" I finally said "Does she like me you know like that." I stuttered.

"yea, I think so, well I know she would like to get to know you better." she said winking.

I remember the panic going through me. I wasnt sure if I was ready for sex yet but it seemed like that was what was expected.

I took a deep breath and told Belle how I had, had no experience and was petrified that I wouldnt even be able to kiss a girl properly. Cause looking back that was all I was ready to do.

"Is that all your worried about. Kissing. No problem" she said calmly. "Kiss me"

Now I cant even tell you how much I thought this was a bad idea, we were friends. I didnt want that to change. Belle didnt think it would. Looking back in some ways we were both right.

I felt her grab my hand and put it on her neck, she put her own hand on my face and stroked my cheek. I have to admit it felt good, she moved closer and put her lips on mine, she moved my head so it was tilting slightly, she parted my lips with her tongue. I let my mouth open more and her tongue moved into my mouth, I followed her lead and our tongues became combined.

She pressed herself against me and we laid back on my bed, her hands touched my chest underneath my shirt. I knew I was aroused and i guess so did she as it was obvious. She stopped suddenly, and I remember feeling disappointed.

"Is that as far as you wanted to go with Matilda, or did you have more in my mind" she said as if nothing was happening.

"What would I do next" I said, Part of me wanting to continue, the other part terrified.

"I'll show you" she said kissing me again she grabbed my hand and put it with hers on her back. She helped me undo her bikini top. I couldnt believe she was exposing herself to me, my best friend. She took my hand and placed it on her breast, her hand showing mine how to caress her. We spent hours together like that, that night.

Again I have to admit I fantasised a lot about Belle after she left me that night. .

[tasha7905]

Chapter 6 - The party

I sat on the beach, watching the party happen around me. People had been drinking and dancing for ages including me. It was fun until it started getting dark and people started pairing off. Henry was with that Cassie girl, Ric was kissing a girl called Lee. I had no idea where Belle was, so that just left me and Matilda.

She smiled at me and I understood, now dont get me wrong I was still scared even though I knew what Belle had shown me.

She led me to the rocks and postioned herself down on one I followed. Luckily for me she took the lead. I felt her lips against mine and we started kissing gently eventually it got more passionate and I felt my shirt being undone. I knew that was my cue I undid her bikini and cupped her in my hands, she pushed against me and it felt amazing.

We stayed like that for ages, but in the back of my mind was what if she wanted to go further, what would I do.

She pulled away and smiled at me. "Lucas Im sorry but tonight we cant you know. Wrong time off the month and all that, but I do want to with you, Do you? she said.

I felt relieved when she said we couldnt but then instantly scared when she said she did want to. "Yea of course" I blurted out.

She kissed me again and that is how we stayed for hours that night, her bare chest against mine. I can admit at that point it felt like heaven.

Looking back now I must say that the feelings I had with Matilda that night were the same as the feelings I had with Belle the night before. That should have told me something, but i just figured I was a horny 15 year old.

Now dont judge me I didnt know what to do. I wasnt used to situations with girls let alone two of them. Everything that has happened since has made all of us aware of things, of what we did, the risks we took with each others hearts, but that yet again is later in the story.

[tasha7905]

Later became now as I realised it is quite a short chapter. Enjoy.

Chapter 7 - Us

I think now would be a good time to tell you what I had learnt about each of us so far.

Belle - She is a free spirit, a complete live wire, she doesnt judge anyone and therefore doesnt expect to be judged. She thinks nothing can hurt her. I trusted Belle with everything from the moment I met her.

Ric - He likes to put up a front, the womaniser, the big man, but if you look at him when he thinks no-one is watching you can see a change in his face. He would do anything for Matilda, Belle, and Henry, well and for me to I guessed at the time.

Henry- Henry is a closed book, he wants to be the womaniser that Ric is, but he cant pick and choose the way Ric can. He goes for whatever he can get, which I used to think was a bad thing but one thing the past 2 years has taught me is that everything isnt so clear cut, everyone has reasons for what they do.

Matilda - Where do I start, one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. Out of all of them she was the most innocent, not completely of course, cause once you've lived in the bay you come to realise that no teenager's innocent. Matilda had a child like quality about her, a quality I wish we had been able to keep in her.

Then of course there is me. I had been in the bay about a month and had already changed. I had some experience with girls and felt more confidant with other people. But for me at this point that was really it.

I guess I should continue now. 5 friends who became, well I dont really know, I guess writing this may help me figure that out...........

[tasha7905]

Thanks for the reviews.

Chapter 8 - School

It was my first day at Summer bay High and it was certainly not like any day at school I had ever experienced.

I walked with Ric that day and found he was an easy guy to talk to.

"So you and Maddie then" he said.

"I guess well I think so, we got together on your birthday, but I dont know if it is anything" I replied honestly.

We walked in the main entrance and saw Henry and Belle whispering in a corner, we joined them. it didnt even occur to me to ask what they were whispering about, but in time I learnt.

We started chatting happily when I heard a familiar laugh. I turned to see Matilda chatting to some other guy my heart sank. She was blatantly flirting, she kept flicking her hair and stroking his arm. I may have been naive but even I knew the signs of flirting.

Belle must have noticed the change in me cause she grabbed my arm and said "Holden I wil show you around". "Are you ok" she said when we were alone."

"I dont get it" I said to her "Did I do something wrong?" I honestly believed I had, but I was to learn that where the teenagers of summer bay were concerned nothing was that clean cut.

"NO Holden you didnt, she wanted to see if she could get you, and she did to a certain extent. Now you have to make her want you, tease her, flirt with others. Look just spend the morning watching Ric and you will see what I mean."

"Ok thanks Belle" I said even though I still had no idea, the confidence well the small part I had was gone again and she could see it.

"Hey Holden, you have only been here for a short space of time and you have already kissed and felt up 2 girls" she said winking at me as she walked away.

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My first class was with Ric, I sat there watching him, he was sharing a double desk with Cass, he kept whispering in her ear making her giggle. I didnt know what he said to her but I saw her hand go to his knee. His hand was on her leg and I watched as he simply traced his finger up and down it,

I cant do that I remember thinking.

The next class I had was with Belle so I felt more relaxed. We sat together and I told her what I had seen Ric do.

She laughed and said "Sounds about right."

"But what did he say to her" I asked.

"Not sure" she replied "Just use your imagination.

That was easy to say.

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That lunchtime I sat with Belle. "I dont know how to do this" I said to her.

"Dont say anything just touch her, that you can do." she said knowingly

"yea right" I snapped.

"Your really not in the right frame of mind" she said leading me to a classroom. "Look Holden this is for your own good.

She started kissing me, we carried on kissing for the rest of the lunch hour. It was now time for my class with Matilda and I was majorly confused.

Did Belle like me or was she honestly just trying to help me. I didnt understand these girls they turn you on and send you off to another girl.

Within time I realised with the help of Henry and Ric that at 15 this really wasnt something to complain about.....

Chapter 9 - Class

I walked into class confidently still buzzing from my kisses with Belle. I sat down next to Matilda. " Hi" I said. She returned the gesture with a simple smile. The class began and I knew I had to do something I lowered my hand to my Knee and after several attempts I moved it across to her knee.

She flinched but didnt remove it. Good sign I thought to myself. I started mimicking what I had seen Ric doing earlier. My fingers slowly moving on her leg.

She leant over and whispered in my ear. "Lucas, as much as Im liking your touch, what made you?"

"Just felt like it" I said trying to sound cool and aloof as Belle had suggested

The class went on and I kept my hand on her leg occasionally moving my fingers. I was quite relieved when the bell went. We were the last ones in the room.

"I cant wait for our next class together" she said smirking at me. I just grinned at her. "I guess I'll see you soon" she continued.

"Yea" I replied starting to walk towards the door, she grabbed my arm.

"Wait" she said. "Dont I get anything else."

I couldnt believe it had work she was asking me. Belle was right. I smiled down at her and kissed her gently, it was enjoyable but I had Belle's words in my head. Make her chase you.

I pulled away as she started to push her body against mine. I saw the disappointment on her face, "Ive got to go" I said walking out.

At that point in my life it was the hardest thing i had ever done, but it was making her chase me. But as i know now sometimes its not the people you want to chase you that surprise you the most...

[tasha7905]

Chapter 10 - Effects (Warning some sexual content.)

I walked out of school looking for Belle, I hadnt seen her since our lunchtime kissing session. I couldnt find her so I walked to her house. The backdoor was open so I walked in, her bag was on the table.

"Belle you here" i shouted, I heard a noise from upstairs so I sat and waited for her. She eventually appeared wrapped in a towel looking flushed.

"Hey Holden, whats up?" she said

"I just wanted to tell you about this afternoon, but if you want I can come back."

"No its alright mate I think we are done here. Bye Belle" Henry said appearing topless from upstairs he kissed her on the cheek and left.

I was stunned, I dont know why. She sat down next to me. "So you and henry" I said "Are you together"

"Oh god Holden no, it was just a fun thing" she said

"But why, how?" I uttered

"Luc" she said when we left each other earlier you were horny werent you" she asked.

"You know I was" I blushed.

"How do you think I felt" she asked me. I didnt quite get what she meant and she laughed at my naivity.

"I was turned on Holden" she said without blushing

"You mean I made you feel, well you know" I had never thought about what girls felt.

"Yes Lucas ( she used my name which meant it was about sex as I began to realise thats the only time she did) I had been kissing you for an hour, our bodies rubbing together. Of course I was. Im 16."

Now one thing about Belle was she told it straight, she didnt mean to embarrass she was just honest.

"So you had sex with Henry because of me?"

"I didnt have sex with Henry he just satisfied me, there are ways of doing that with out having sex." she said. She stood up "Right Im going to take a shower and then we can go do something." She kissed me on the cheek and I dont know what happened or why, but I moved her so we were kissing properly, we were getting used to each other by now.

I found myself getting aroused and I thought about what she said. " Are you getting turned on now" I whispered in her ear.

"mmm" she sighed. I had confidence that back then I only got from Belle. I grabbed her hand standing her up.

"Teach me" I said walking up the stairs. We stood in her room. I remember my hands shaking as she dropped her towel and laid on the bed. I laid beside her. She put my finger underneath hers and showed me how to caress her.

After she looked at me "Take your clothes off" I obliged until it got to my underwear. "Come on Lucas, you need it to and believe me it feels a lot different when your not doing it yourself. Ive got to say she was right it was unbelieveable. I felt like more of a man that day than ever before and I hadnt even had sex.

Looking back now it all seems so sordid, but then it didnt. We were just curious teenagers learning from each other. The problem was we didnt know it would all get worse.............................

[tasha7905]

Chapter 11 - Silent Lust (warning slight sexual content )

The first week of school passed quickly and everything I learnt wasnt the kind of education my dad had in mind.

Belle and I carried on as normal, it was strange for me but it didnt seem to worry her. Henry too didnt seem phased that I knew about him and Belle. Matilda and I carried on our mind games. Our last encounter being the friday afternoon, the last thing she had said to me was "Tonight Lover".

I had no idea how she planned it, where she intended it but I thought I was ready for it.

I had spoken to Belle about it "Go for it Holden" was her response. "I would teach you that too, but I think for you, your first time should be with her. Just take my advice and dont be quick." she laughed as she walked off. I wont go into how I made sure that I wouldnt be.

I was sat in my house that friday night with my brother, butterflies in my stomach wondering when I would know where she was. I soon knew.

There was a knock at the door, and there she was, without saying a word I left the house and walked with her toward the beach.

We walked to the same area of rocks we had, had our first kiss on. This time we laid between them. An hour after and we were naked, and I was listening to her moan as I caressed her. I felt her arms around me, moving me on top of her. I dont mind admitting I felt every emotion going as she guided me into her. The rest as they say is History.

We laid there all night, so my first time actually became four times, which according to Belle I should be proud of. yet still I sort of felt like a little boy in a mans world.

When the sun started rising we stood up, checking to make sure no one could see our nakedness. We dressed and I walked her home.

Looking back we didnt speak that night, just moaned each others names. The only other conversation was me being paranoid and asking her If I was ok?

Her reply being "If you werent. I wouldnt have done it again and again. "

That made me smile.......