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This Is Me. But Who Am I?

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More updates as im really enjoying writing this fic, and it will be getting to the drama parts soon.

Chapter 12 - Friendly Humiliation.

"Must be tiring, I guess being a stud" a voice interrupted my sleep. I opened my eyes and saw Ric. (Now I am aware I havent mentioned him much so far, but he will become a bigger part of the journey.)

"Must be" another voice sounded that one I knew "morning Holden or should that be afternoon." Belle said.

"So how was it?" Ric said.

I went red instantly, how did he know. I scowled at Belle.

"Hey, dont blame me" she said " if you dont want people to know you shouldnt have done it in a public place."

"You saw" I said feeling anxious.

"Just caught the last act" Ric said his eyes twinkling, "just saw you getting dressed mate. Dont worry nothing major." Now this was humiliation.

Laying back on my bed I looked at Ric, for some reason I didnt believe what he was saying. He must have known cause he said "Belle could you leave us for a minute".

She did, I was confused. Ric started talking. "Mate dont worry honestly. Im not about to start talking about what I saw."

"So you did see more." I said.

"Yes, I did and Im sorry. I should have moved away quicker, but I only saw for like a minute. It wasnt the main deed either."

This was weird. "So you saw her naked" I said slightly angry. "And me too for that matter"

I couldnt figure out at the time what Ric was gaining from all this.

"Dont worry, I have seen plenty of girls naked, it doesnt bother me, but you on the other hand" he said winking at me. Belle chose this moment to enter the room with Henry.

I was utterly baffled at this point. Was Ric trying to embarrass me, humiliate me, I just didnt know. Looking back it should have been obvious.


"Ok whatever conversation we are having stop it now" henry said "remember people she is my sister."

I laughed I was glad henry had lightened the conversation, It was odd I was the most innocent one there yet we were discussing my sex life well what there was of it.

"Ive already heard too much about it" Henry continued.

Panic hit me. "heard what" I said going red for what felt like the millionth time that day.

"She was on the phone to someone telling them all about you" he said laughing at my obvious need to know what she said.

"Yes and she said it was fantastic, there is no need to panic" Belle piped up. "It was me she phoned"

There she was again my saviour Belle. The girl that could always read me. I wish now I had spent more time trying to read her.......

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Im on a roll!!!!

Chapter 13 - Drawn

Now I know I have made us sound like a bunch of sex crazed kids getting it whenever we could, and to some extent we were, but there was more to us and the day Im about to talk about was one of best. Something bonded us that day and we all came away thinking it had made us closer, unfortunately in the end we were not close enough.

it was the day after my friends discussed my sex life. We went to the beach, simple I know, but it was the 5 of us. The first encounter Matilda and I had , had since you know.

We were all sat around drying after a mass fight in the water, in which I must add Matilda and I had managed to fool around.

"So Luc, if you dont mind me asking, where is your mum" Henry suddenly said.

I flinched. "Dead" was all i said.

"Thouht so" Ric said (any weirdness there was between us disappeared at that moment) "It takes people that have been through it to realise that lost look in someone eyes" he continued.

"What you mean, you have a lost a parent too" I asked stunned.

"Yea, my dad" he said "And then my foster dad" he had a tear in his eye, Belle put her hand on his for comfort. "not just me" he continued.

"Us too" Matilda said as she leant on Henry's shoulder. " Our dad died 3 years ago."

I looked her straight in the eye and you could see her pain.

"Holden me too" Belle said touching my hand, her other still on Rics. "Both of them"

That surprised me more than the others, why had she never told me, but then I reasoned I had never told her.

"Is that why we are friends. Do you think?" Henry said glancing at each of us.

"You mean we were drawn to each other" Belle said half smiling at the thought.

"Yes maybe we found a need in each other, something that was missing. maybe our need for love did draw us to each other." henry continued.

"I know what Luc was drawn to" Ric said looking at Matilda.

She hit him and smiled at me and said. "the great Eric Dalby trying to make light of a deep conversation."

Ric simply smiled by way of an apology, even though there was no need the emotion was as plain on his face as it was on each of ours.

"Lets do something" Belle said suddenly. "Something to honour our lost parents. I want each of you to write 5 things you miss because they are no longer in your life, and then 5 things your glad are in your life."

Maddie found paper and Belle passed a pen around. I sat there thinking and here is what I wrote.

Things I miss - I Couldnt write 5 things for my mum, so i just wrote, You mum.

The things i was glad were in my life were - 1) Family/Love, 2) Belle 3) Matilda 4) Henry 5) Ric.

We all found out not long ago that our 5 glad things were the same. As Belle instructed us we kept the paper with the things we were glad about with us. (to this day I still have mine.)

The things we missed we put in a plastic bottle and hand in hand we waded out to sea and Ric threw it.

To us you see this symbolised the end of our sorrow. It was simple but to the 5 of us it was worth it.

I truly wish that was the end of our sorrow. You see I failed to mention at the beginning of this story, only 4 of us survived the 2 years............

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Chapter 14 - Caught in the act.

Belle and I sat in my room, I had now been in the bay a few months.

"So are you ever going to become a proper couple" she said

"Dont know" I replied. Matilda and I were fooling around on a regular basis and I enjoyed it, but something was holding me back. "Anyway, what about you, I hear you may have had an encounter with Ric the other night."

"Like thats anything new" she said "you know me anything for fun."

She knew I didnt buy that for a minute. You see Belle may have slept with her friends but it wasnt just for fun. There was something Belle wasnt saying, and it took me a long time to figure it out.

"So who is next Henry" I said cockily. I had become more sarcastic living in the bay.

"Done That" she said laughing "A while ago though. Just you left" she laughed again.

Now we were just joking or at least thats what we intended. We sat there pulling each others lives apart and then for some reason we started daring each other to do things. Now we had played this a million times but usually we werent alone.

"Dare you to kiss me" she said.

"No problem"I replied honestly. I moved next to her and kissed her softly. Pulling away I smiled at her.

"Your turn" she said. Now looking back I could have sworn she blushed.

"I dare you to kiss me again" I said. I dont know why it just seemed like the right thing to do.

She grinned at me and kissed me. It carried on for longer that time, and when we pulled apart we looked deep into each others eyes. We knew we were about to cross a line. Speaking for myself at the time. i couldnt think of anything I wanted to do more.

We stripped quickly hungry for each other. I rememebr physically aching with desire and that I hadnt experienced before. We did everything we could to each other in that moment, a lot more firsts for me. We made love on my floor.

Now I say love cause although we were not in love with each other, there was a love between us. It was during our second time when I was thrusting into her that my door opened..

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Chapter 15 - Ric

"Ric" I said stunned yet for some reason I did not move. He just turned and walked away. I pulled away from Belle standing up, she followed.

"What was that" she said " No pervy comment from Ric. That cant be right." she laughed.

"Somethings wrong, i'll go after him" I said, she hadnt seen the look on his face a look of jealousy. Throwing some clothes on. i quickly kissed her on the cheek and ran out.

An hour later I found him sat on the rocks at the other end of the bay. I walked up and sat next to him.

"Had to finish did you, must have some stamina Lucas if its taken this long" he snapped.

I was shocked at the spite in his voice. "Ric whats going on mate. If your upset that I slept with Belle then Im sorry. I didnt realise you liked her."

"Yea thats it Luc" he said raising his voice "how stupid are you, I gave you the hint after I saw you with Maddie. When will you realise your not that naive. Its you I want."

I was completely stunned. Ric was the biggest player I knew. I had no idea he played both sides, but I had to deal with it.

"Sorry" he said calmly " I didnt mean it to come out like that, its just I finally plucked up the courage to come and talk to you about it and I walked in to witness you screwing Belle. I found it hard enough knowing you were shagging Matilda."

"Ric I had no idea you liked guys too" I still couldnt believe this.

"No one does, but its been a while." he whispered. He put his hand on my shoulder. "But Ive never worried about it before, but since I saw you naked with Maddie, I cant get you out of my head."

He leant forward and kissed me, and for a split second I retaliated, I freaked out pulled away and ran. All I could hear was Ric shouting after me.

Now I know that wasnt fair, but I didnt know what else to do.

I ran all the way home. I stood in my house trying to take in what had just happened. I decided to talk to Ric the next day. he was my friend and I wanted everything to be ok between us.

I walked into my room and was pleasantly surprised to find Belle still there. She was asleep wearing one of my shirts and I must admit she looked hot. I lay awake that night confused about everything my feelings fo Matilda and Belle but most of all about Ric's declaration.

I put my arms around Belle partly wanting to get some comfort from a friend and partly to feel her in my arms securing my own sexuality.

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Chapter 16 - Friendship

I woke early the next morning. I slipped out of Bed quietly so as not to disturb Belle. I dressed and walked into the kitchen, trying to think of what to say to Ric. I opened my front door to leave, and found Ric standing there.

"Hi" he said "Can I come in"

"Sure Mate" I replied "But Belle is asleep in there so we will have to be quiet" His face changed when I mentioned her name. I saw it, not knowing what else to say. I blurted out. "We are not an item we are just friends, yesterday was the first time we had sex. Honestly." I felt like I had to explain it to him so he wouldnt be hurt.

"Lucas, Its Ok. Its not your fault your straight, anymore than it is my fault Im bisexual." he said. "Im came round to say sorry for coming on to you. I didnt intend that to happen, lust took over but I guess you know what thats like"

I must have look confused as he said "You know you and Belle. It is just a lust thing right."

"Yes" I said not really sure if thats exactly what it was.

Everything between Ric and I changed that day, we sat for 2hours talking about his experiences with guys and girls and my, well 2 conquests. We bonded more then than we ever had before and it made our friendship stronger.

I felt priveliged well I still feel priveliged to be his friend.

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Chapter 17 - Birthdays

My first experience of heartbreak wasnt as bad as it could have been. I have since suffered worse, we all have.

I now classed myself as a resident of the bay as I had been living there more than half a year. The 5 of us still led complicated lives. Matilda and I had cooled off slightly but guaranteed that when we were slightly drunk or horny, we would end up in each others arms.

I didnt think this night would be any exception. It was my 16th birthday, we were all drinking and dancing on the beach just like we did on all our birthday's. Everyone was having a good time and eventually people started to pair off. I didnt really notice where everyone was or who they were with. I guess because I was the birthday boy I was slightly more drunk than usual.

I walked to mine and Maddies normal place between the rocks, and I couldnt believe what I saw she was with a guy from the year above us. They werent actually having sex but it was blatantly going to lead to it. Matilda didnt see me, lets just say she was to busy getting intimate with the guys manhood. I have to admit I did watch for a while, not in any perverse way. It was more because she had never done that to me and I was curious.

I was gutted but I knew I couldnt say anything after all I had been sleeping with Belle on and off for 3 months and Maddie and I werent a couple. I walked away from them heading towards the sea.

Matilda never knew I saw her that night and it never changed our friendship in fact because I wasnt trying to impress her anymore I got to know her properly.

Back to that night. I sat at the edge of the water. 16, depressed and alone. It felt awful but looking back yet again it wasnt really heart break I just felt replaced, like I wasnt good enough or even worse she just didnt want me in that way anymore. Plain and simple or at least thats what I thought.

I was still sat there looking out at the water when I heard Rics voice.

"Hows your birthday going?" he asked.

"How does it look" I said laughing.

"Whats up." he said sitting next to me.

"I just saw Maddie exercising her mouth on some guy, if you get my meaning" I said with a slight hint of jealousy.

"mate, dont fret it it happens. Everything will turn out alright in the end and anyway if you really wanted Matilda you guys would be a couple and you wouldnt be screwing your best friend at every given oppurtunity. "he said cockily. "Oh and dont think I didnt hear about you and Belle in the science room." he said as an after thought just to embarrass me.

"yea whatever" I meekly said.

"Come of it Lucas, admit it to yourself will you." he said.

"What?" I honestly had no idea what he was on about.

"Luc mate its not Matilda you want. Its Belle. your in love with Belle." Ric said.

His words echoed round my head, In love with Belle, no way. He continued grinning at me waiting for a reaction.

"Belle, no." I said "Anyway you have screwed her lately, as has Henry."

"Not for 2 months Luc mate, not either of us. She just wanted us when she wasnt being satisfied, and rumour has it mate your the one doing that now so we are no longer required." Ric said smiling at the thought of it.

Looking back Im not sure if he was smiling at the thought of Belle or me satisfying her, but I guess that doesnt really matter. "Anyway" he continued. "If you want to be with Belle I think you could, It takes a good man to tame Taylor and that Lucas Holden is you." He looked at me deeply which at first made me nervous, but eventually I realised there was nothing to be nervous of.

Ric and I walked back up the beach later that night finding a drunk Henry on our way and the three of us went back to Ric's and stayed up most of the night talking.

To this day I dont know what about as all I could think of was what Ric had said earlier. I didnt love Belle did I?

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Chapter 18 - Ric and Matilda

3 nights after my birthday Ric and I were walking out of the surf club after a Lads night, playing pool. He was still trying to make me admit my feelings for Belle.

"No, I keep telling you there is no way I love Belle like that. She is amazing dont get me wrong but its just sex same as it was for you it could be anyone" I said sitting down on a bench.

"Yea whatever" he said laughing "So have you stopped shagging her then?"

"Well I havent in the past three days, in fact I feel quite unsatisfied at the moment even your starting to look good." I know I shouldnt have said it, but at the time I felt that I could joke with Ric about anything, and the alcohol we'd drank probably helped.

"Like you would do me?" Ric said

"Hey you and Henry have always said sex is just sex. Thats what it is with Belle so whats the difference?" I said bravely not knowing if I really meant it.

"Prove it" Ric said leaning closer and kissing me, I returned the kiss with slight anticipation, his hand moved lower stroking through my clothes the bulge that was growing in my trousers. I was getting excited and that surprised me. I started caressing Ric in the same way not actual touching always through material. He started undoing my belt and thats when we heard a scream.

"Thats Matilda" I yelled pulling away from him. We both started running in the direction of the noise.

To this day I dont know how I knew it was her, instinct, love, friendship. Or as Henry said maybe we are just drawn to each other.

Ric and I kept running, somehow I got to her first, she was cowering by our rocks.

"maddie, maddie whats going on" I shouted. Then I noticed her face was bruised, she was bleeding from a cut on her face and her shirt was torn. "oh my god you havent been" I couldnt bring myself to say it.

She started to speak, but then screamed. I looked around to see Ric fighting some guy. I had never felt so angry. I didnt care who this guy was. He had already hurt Maddie and now was hurting Ric. I ran over he had Ric by the throat. I grabbed a piece of wood and hit him with it and he fell to the floor.

"Thanks "Ric said " He could've killed me." Ric touched my arm and we both ran back to Matilda who was still shaking and crying.

Ric's reaction on seeing the state she was in was to go back and kill the guy, and to be honest I was right there with him. We would have done if Matilda hadnt started to speak.

"He didnt" she said. I had never felt so relieved. Slowly she told us she had been walking home and the guy had started flirting with her, she had flirted back and they had started talking and kissing, but then he changed and wouldnt let her go and kept trying to do more than she wanted to. He slapped her around the face and she had kicked him in the groin and ran. Luckily cause he was drunk he hadnt kept up. She had screamed and the rest we knew.

That night Ric and I took her back to mine, undressed her and put her in my bed. Ric on one side of her me on the other. Neither Ric or I slept that night. A protective instinct for Maddie keeping us both awake (well I was also thinking of what had happened with Ric but I didnt tell him that till much later). I was the angriest and the most confused I thought I could ever be that night. Unfortuantely as I would find out in time I was wrong.

Looking at her sleeping my heart ached. She looked so childlike but tonight she had lost some of her trusting childlike quality and what would eventually happen in our lives would lose her the rest....

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Thanks for the reviews guys so glad you like it. Glad your still pondering Kase, thats pretty much what Lucas is doing trying to figure everything out

Chapter 19 - Why me?

Matilda woke the next morning and looked surprised to be wedged between Ric and I.

"Hi you ok?" I said smiling at her.

"Yea I think so. My face hurts a bit, but its my own fault I shouldnt have gone near that guy, I didnt even know him. Im too trusting or naive I guess, but that will change now" She said.

"Dont let it change you too much, your pretty great as you are!" I said honestly.

At that point Ric woke up just as Matilda kissed my cheek and whispered thanks.

I got up then and went to make drinks for all of us. I didnt really know what to say to Ric, I just wanted to forget it had ever happened. It was on my way back to my room I overheard them talking.

"Whats the point Ric. Its obvious" Matilda was saying.

"Not to him its not" Ric said his voice stern.

"I just thought it was easier to move on then get hurt." She said.

"You might not have got hurt. You know as well as I do Lucas isnt like that" Ric said.

I was suprised to hear Ric defending me, even though I wasnt sure what the conversation was about. It felt good to hear Ric say that.

"But he is shagging Belle, that has to mean something to him. With me it was mainly drunken sex" Matilda said sadly.

I could hear the emotion in her voice. I knew I shouldnt be listening. She was confiding in Ric. It was private not for me to hear. But I couldnt tear myself away.

"But if your in love with him, maybe its worth the risk" Ric said.

"I am" She said simply.

I couldnt believe i had just heard that. Matilda in love with me, that was something I hadnt expected. I walked back in the room that day not really knowing what to say. I was really glad that after 10 minutes Henry turned up to get Matilda.

After they left I looked at Ric. "What was that about?" I heard you two talking." I said not looking him in the eye.

"Oh" Ric said and then told me that he had noticed the expression on her face when I left the room, so he had quizzed her about it. She had admitted she had feelings for me but that she was shagging the other guy because she thought there was no hope for us. She like Ric thought I was in love with Belle.

"So what do I do now? I didnt expect this." I said

"Decide what you want. Belle or Matilda and then just go for that one. Your not meant to be a player Luc, take it from someone that is. Its obvious your not the type"

"So is that what you were doing with me. Playing me." I asked.

"No Luc, not intentionally I wanted you to know that I wanted you because I didnt want to lie. I never expected anything to happen. I know it was a mistake Lucas I know your not into me. Dont worry it wont effect our friendship." he said his voice full of sincerity. "now go get the girl, which ever one it is"

"Thanks Ric, Im sorry if I led you on in anyway." I said

"You didnt and dont thank me. I should be thanking you, at least I know a bit about what your like. It gives me something to fanatsise over" he said winking at me as he left my room. I laughed to myself.

I sat there for the rest of the day thinking about everything Ric had said. I didnt honestly know who I wanted. Matilda was my obsession when I first got to the bay and Belle was, well she was Belle my best friend.

At that point in my life I didnt know if I loved either them. Looking back now it was obvious I did.....

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Chapter - 20 Matilda and I

It had been a couple of weeks since I found out about Matilda's feelings for me. I had spent a lot of time with her, just hanging out, getting to know each other really which is probably what we should've done in the first place. I was growing equally as close to Maddie as I was to Belle just in different ways.

I found myself enjoying the time I spent with her but was still unsure of everything how was I supposed to know what I was feeling. I had never been in love before, what were the signs. Sure I found Matilda attractive and she aroused me but at 16 to be honest most things did. She made me laugh and I felt comfortable around her. Even after everything we had done with each other there wasnt any tension between us. (Looking back the same could be said for Belle).

One particular night we were sat in her house watching a film, I cant even remember what it was now, but it made her cry. I sat watching her. I had never realised before how much of an emotional person she was. I leant over and wiped a tear from her face.

She turned and grinned at me "Sorry " she said " I always cry at films."

"Its endearing" I said as I wiped another tear from her face.

She turned and looked at me and it felt like she was looking straight into my soul. Now I dont know what happened to me in that moment I guess in some way I fell in love right then.

I leant over and cupped her face, looking deep into her eyes. I kissed her gently just a peck nothing intense or intimate. Kind of like I was testing the water.

"Luc" she said " I cant do this again if you want me, it has to be only me. I cant share you with Belle again. I know our friendship group is slightly bizarre but Im fed up of random sexual encounters. I want to be with one person. You Lucas."

I didnt say anything for a while. I listened to what she said and thought about it. Being with just one person sounded more like me. At that point I forgot about Belle, Ric and anything else that had confused me. At that stage in my life being with Matilda made sense.

"I want to be with you too" I said kissing her. There was no declaration of love, no sex. We just sat there holding each other getting lost in each others kisses. Just the two of us sharing a tender moment. Two teenagers embarking on a relationship fot the first time.

I wouldnt change that moment for anything, it was and still is special to me, but everything has to change in time and for Matilda and I and our friends. Life just got in the way.............

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Thanks guys. here is the next chapter its moving on quickly again as I want to get to the main drama. Hope you like it.

Chapter 21 - Desire ( warnign Sexual content)

Matilda and I had been together for a couple of months. Our relationship was good and it hadnt effected things between the 5 of us in anyway. Or so I thought.

Being in a relationship suited me I liked the fact that Maddie needed me, yea sure we bickered as most people do but never about anything important.

We laid in bed one morning, her mum was on holiday so we were enjoying our freedom. I was tracing my finger around her belly button, she shivered at my touch, I smiled and carried on after a while she couldnt take it anymore and laid on top of me so I couldnt carry on. I wrapped my arms around her so she couldnt move.

"I love you" I said and I meant it. We had said it to each other for the first time a month before and I cant describe how it felt, I tried to tell Ric and the only thing I could think of to say was right.

She smiled and kissed me sensually, I returned her kiss eagerly. Being in a relationship made our sex life better, we knew each others bodies well, so pleasing each other was easy. Her hands were running over my body, as I caressed hers. We had just started to get in to the moment when there was a knock at the door.

I groaned and got out of bed covering myself up. I checked to make sure Matilda was covered to and opened the door.

Henry was stood in front of me in the same state of undress as I was, he grinned at me with no embarrassment. "Condom" was all he said. I shook my head and laughed, I grabbed my wallet and threw one at him and shut the door. I grinned at Matilda climbing back into bed to finish what I had started.

It never occured to me to ask Henry who he was with but I soon found out.

Later that afternoon Matilda decided to go to the diner to get us take out, I was left in her house. I got up and put a towel around my waist. I walked to the kitchen to get a drink and was stunned to see Belle there wearing a sheet.

"Henry again" I said.

She nodded "A few times lately"

"Ric lately too" I asked. She simply nodded again. I could tell by her face she wasnt proud of herself.

"Why Belle, you dont have to. Find someone you want to be with. Stop selling yourself short" I said.

"What if I cant" she said walking towards me" What if I want someone I cant have"

I understood what she meant. "where's Henry" I asked

"With Maddie"she replied quickly. We were only an inch apart.

Something took over me that day. I picked her up and put her on the kitchen counter, removing the sheet at the same time, my fingers found her body before I had even kissed her. I started caressing her. She pulled me towards her and kissed me passionately.

"God Ive missed this" she moaned into my mouth. I carried on faster, her hands found me and soon all you could here were moans escaping from each of us as we fought to make each other happy. Eventually I lowered her on to me pushing her back in to the kitchen wall. Every inch of me shivered with anticipation.

After we leant on each other hot and satisfied. "Wow" I said smiling at her. She just nodded in agreement. "That was different"

"you have certaintly picked up a trick or two" she said

"That was just desire for you" I said " I dont know where it came from though"

"We shouldnt have" she suddenly said.

I remembered Matilda then. My girlfriend whom I supposedly loved. "What have I done" i said.

"Screwed me senseless" she said laughing.

"Your not helping" I snapped. Moving away and covering myself up.

"Maybe I dont want to " she said "Maybe Im jealous, Maybe I hate seeing you two together. Maybe I liked being the person who knew you better than anyone. Maybe I miss our sessions Lucas. Maybe I miss you and from what just happened I reckon you miss me too."

She was right. I knew it she knew it, but how was I supposed to deal with it, I wanted them both but that wasnt an option. What could I do? I never really got to find out. The decision was taken out of my hands by something none of us could've foreseen..........

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