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This Is Me. But Who Am I?

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Chapter 22 - Confession.

Maddie and Henry came back to find Belle and I sat on the sofa, not doing anything not even talking. We ate what they had bought just chatting like we always did. occasionally I would catch myself looking at Belle. No-one else seemed to notice. I knew I had to figure out what to do. I thought I loved them both just in very different ways.

We had finished eating and Henry and I were washing up. Belle had made her excuses and gone home and Maddie was getting ready to go out.

"So you and Belle anything happening?" I said to Henry. i knew I shouldnt be asking but I needed to know. If he genuinely liked her then it would make my decision easier.

"We have amazing sex but thats it " he said "Im not like you Lucas. I dont want a relationship. I just like the fun part just like Belle and Ric for that matter. Thats why what we do works for us. We all know where we stand."

It did work for them he was right and I knew I wasnt the same as him and Ric anymore. Perhaps I never was. Maybe what I feel for Belle is just lust. But is what I fell for Maddie love.

My thoughts were interrupted by Ric entering the house.

"Hey mate" Henry shouted.

"hey all, What are we up to?" Ric said.

"Robbie got us some beer so we might as well just stay here and drink" Henry said smiling.

"You joining us Luc" Ric asked.

"Yea sure" I replied.

"I guess that means we are not going out then" Matilda said appearing in the room. She looked amazing, how could I have cheated on her. Look at her I was telling myself do you really want to give that up. "Luc are we not going out?" she repeated pulling me out of my daydream.

I didnt say anything just smiled at her apologetically. "Fine we can stay here" she said sitting down next to Ric.

"Wow Matilda Hunter giving in so easily, who'd of thought it. It must be love" Ric teased.

My face fliched at the word love. I couldnt keep this up the guilt was overwhelming me I needed a release. I grabbed a beer and started swigging it quickly.

"So where is Belle it doesnt seem right without her?" Maddie asked.

"I phoned her but she is doing something with Irene" Ric replied.

I got up and walked to the kitchen. "Just getting some snacks" I said. The truth was I couldnt sit there hearing Belle's name. I was surprised she wasnt coming but I guess she was just trying to give me some space to think. I must have been in the kitchen for too long as Ric came to find me.

"Whats going on Luc?" he said looking at me strangely.

"What do you mean" I said. I know I must have looked guilty. Ive never been very good at hiding things.

"Come off it " Ric continued. "You've been quiet all night and you have hardly touched Maddie, which for the two of you is highly unusual."

"Seriously mate its nothing" I snapped walking back to the others.

I sat next to my girlfriend then and had another drink, and from what I remember another and another. A few hours later I was drunk, we were all still sat around chatting. Now I dont know why or what I was thinking or how I thought it would help but I started to grope Matilda. In front of Henry and Ric.

"Luc, calm down" she whispered removing my hand from her chest. I started kissing her neck and moving my hand up her skirt. "Lucas seriously stop it" she whispered again. I think I must have been trying to relieve the guilt. If I could please Maddie then what I had done that afternoon with Belle wouldnt matter.

Henry and Ric began to notice Matilda pushing me away. "Seriously Dude, thats my sister. I dont want to see it" Henry said.

Ric started eyeing me suspiciously. "Luc lets take you outside and sober you up" he said. I felt his arms around me leading me to the garden.

"Thanks" I heard Matilda say to him.

We sat in the garden and he said "Talk to me Lucas".

"If you really want to know" I said slightly slurred. "I am screwing everything up. I kissed you and led you on. I got everything sorted and found happiness with Maddie, and now Ive blown it and she will probably hate me and for that matter so will Henry."

"Firstly you didnt lead me on, I knew it wasnt right,. I knew you didnt want me, you were just confused so forget it. Secondly what have you done that is so bad?" Ric said.

"I shagged Belle today, this afternoon in my girlfriends kitchen and it was bloody amazing, the best ever if Im honest and now I dont know what to do" I started laughing at the stupidness of my life.

"Christ Luc not again." Ric said stunned. " I thought you had stopped all that made your decision. I thought you loved Matilda."

"I do, well I think I do. How do I know? Cause surely if I love her the sex with Belle wouldnt feel as good as it does or did." I said wanting him to tell me what to do.

"Luc I sleep with Belle too and it is fantastic she knows what she is doing but it doesnt mean I love her. The same goes for Henry as far as I know." Ric said "Belle is a player simple at that its not about love or emotion its about pleasure."

"So what I desire Belle but I love Matilda" I asked hoping Ric would give me the answers.

"Only you know that Luc" he said " But mate figure it out cause if Matilda finds out she will be heartbroken. She really does Love you."

I knew he was right, she loved me. The first girl that had ever told me that, the first girl I had ever said it to. My first relationship and I had betrayed her. What sort of guy was I?

I was, still am shocked at what I had done but the biggest shock for all of us was about to destroy our strange and safe little world well at least temporarily............

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Chapter 23 - Just the 3 of us.

It had been 6 weeks since I cheated on Matilda. Nothing else had happened between Belle and I and no-one else had found out.

The day everything started to change was perfect. Matilda was asleep her head resting on my lap. I stroked her hair softly. I do love her I thought to myself, yet belle occasionally popped in to my mind. I had managed to block out most of my thoughts about her and afternoons like this one made it easier.

Matilda and I hadnt done anything just spent the afternoon enjoying each others company, until she had fallen asleep that is. I didnt mind though I liked watching her. My mobile phone vibrating in my pocket made me take me eyes of Maddie for the first time in hours.

I looked at the text i had recieved it was from Ric.

Meet me at 6 at the look out. Important.

I looked at my watch it was 4.30 I still had plenty of time. I didnt really worry about what Ric wanted, I was too content to care.

I gently nudged Matilda" Wakey,Wakey beautiful" I said stroking her cheek.

She opened her eyes slowly and smiled at me. "Sorry Luc, I havent been much company, Im just so tired cause someone kept me awake snoring all night" she said teasingly.

"I did not" I said laughing.

Matilda and I shared a bed practically every night now. It felt normal not as strange as it had the first few times. Neither of our parents knew we just snuck out and made sure we were back in time in the morning.

Looking back people probably did know, neither of our parents were stupid, if they did know they never said anything. Which I am now very glad about, those nights with Maddie are precious to me and always will be. You see life then for once actually seemed pretty perfect.

But now on to when everything started to change.

I left matilda to go and meet Ric, still blissfully content. I got to the lookout. He was sat on the bench his head in his hands.

"Hi mate" I said walking over and sitting next to him. I was shocked at how white he was. "Whats going on, are you ok?"

"Its not about me Luc, well it is I guess, and you and Henry. But even thats not definate." he said.

"Ric mate your not making any sense" I said "Whats about the 3 of us?"

"Im sorry Luc. I know you've got everything sorted but this could ruin everything for everyone. Why Now?" Ric started pacing.

"Whats wrong" I repeated.

"Belle's pregnant" He said.

I cant even begin to describe what went through my head. I felt sick this couldnt be happening.

"Is it mine?" I said after a few minutes.

"Yours, mine, Henry's. She doesnt know. She was going to tell you herself but I thought it might be better if we talked first. Henry too but I will get him here in a bit."

"No um yea" I muttered trying to take in what he was saying. It couldnt be mine. "Im always careful" I blurted out "Ric I know I am"

At that moment I remembered that day, the one I had spent so much time trying to block out. I gave Henry my last condom. Belle and I were in the kitchen we didnt leave that room till after. We didnt use anything. How could I have been so stupid.

Ric and I sat in silence for a while. Then I had another thought "Ric how far gone is she?" I said "I slept with her 6 weeks ago. You and Henry were before and after me. We can narrow it down."

"She doesnt know Luc she has a doctors appointment tommorrow morning. If its more or less than 6 weeks then I guess your out of the picture, but if not then you will have to do the DNA test with Henry and I"

I simply nodded. "Ric is there anyway I can keep this from Maddie. I dont want to break her heart. I do love her you know that right?"

"I know Luc. I Know. I wont say anything. If your not the father you might get away with it, but you will still have to speak to Henry. He is her brother after all and he needs to know the baby could be yours." Ric said.

I knew he was right, Ric and I sat on the bench then each of us lost in our own worlds waiting for Henry. The 3 of us now involved in a major thing. Three 16 years old that had never thought about the consequences of our actions.

My perfect day had just become a nightmare that would eventually effect all 5 of us more than we could ever have expected. Our lives had changed in a matter of minutes, as time went on we would realise life could change in seconds.

At that time I didnt think it could get any worse but this was the beginning of the worst time of our lives that 4 of us are still trying to get over. The pregnancy was just the tip of the iceberg.............

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Thanks for the reviews. Hope you like the next update. Keep guessing on who the father is!!!

Chapter 24 - Silence and violence

Waiting for henry that night was awful every minute felt like an hour.

Ric wouldnt stop pacing. "What if its mine" he said " Can i cope?"

I didnt answer him because the same thoughts were going through my mind. I laid down on the grass and stared at the stars. To this day I dont know what I thought about, just Belle and Matilda I guess. A few minutes later I heard Henrys footsteps.

Henry took one look at me and Ric and knew something was wrong. Ric went over and spoke to him, I saw Henrys face change his knees seemed to buckle from under him and he fell to the ground. He just sat there staring.

The 3 of us stayed like that for ages lost in our own worlds. God knows how long we were like that but eventually I spoke.

"Henry, look Im sorry about, well you know." I didnt know how to finish what I was saying.

"For cheating on my sister" he shouted walking towards me. I stood up too. "For shagging that slag when Matilda loves you. I thought you were better than that Luc." He started shoving me.

"Belle isnt a slag, Well no more than you are" I retaliated, pushing him back.

"Defending Belle, not worrying about Maddie well thats interesting" Henry said getting really angry. He took a swing at me but I managed to avoid it. "How could you do this to her" He shouted at me.

"Look, Im sorry. I do love your sister. Please dont tell her, unless we have to, and if we do please let me be the one to tell her." I said trying to reason with him.

"You want me to lie to her, to protect you" Henry said swinging his fist again. This time it connected with my cheek.

"Not me" I said as pain went through me "Think of her".

"Like you did when you were screwing Belle the slapper" he shouted.

I couldnt take it any more I puched Henry and he fell to the floor. I felt Rics arms around me pulling me away, he then pulled Henry up.

"Look guys, this isnt helping. We need to stick together, help each other. We need to look after both the girls. Belle needs us no matter what you think of her" he said looking at Henry. "and Maddie needs one of you, either we tell her and she needs Henry to console her or we dont tell her and she needs Lucas to be her doting lover."

Henry and I both looked at Ric.

"Sorry" I said to Henry.

"Me too" he replied. " And I wont tell her yet, not until we know for definate."

I felt relief wash over me, but it didnt last long.

Looking back at this now I dont remember feeling relief or anything but guilt, pain and sorrow for the next 8 months. Well even now a year later happiness is a rare emotion for any one of the 4 of us..........

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Chapter 25 - Meetings and Wants

I lay in bed that night unable to sleep. Actually I was in Matilda's bed. I didnt want to be but I had to keep everything normal for her. She had already noticed the bruising on my face and I had to lie and say we were play fighting. I hated lying to her but what else could I do, I couldnt face her finding out the truth.

I watched her sleeping, it was my favourite past time lately. She was amazing what had I done. Everything had become clear to me that day, My love for Maddie was so different than my love for Belle. I loved them both but not the same way. Unfortunately I figured it out to late the damage had already been done.

I must have fallen asleep at some point cause I was woken up by my phone ringing it was morning. I looked at the screen it was Belle. I hadnt spoken to her since I found out I didnt know what to say but I had to answer it now.

"Hi" I said quietly trying not to wake Matilda.

"Hey" she said. It was awkward between us, and we had never had that before. "Look Holden Im sorry, you know for causing you hassle."

"Dont be silly, your not to blame, we caused this together well at least one of the 3 of us did." I said I couldnt believe she blamed herself.

"Can you meet me Holden?" she asked.

"Um, maybe I could try" I said reluctantly.

"Your with Maddie, arent you?" She asked the tone of her voice changing.

"Yea, but its ok. I will meet you, say 20 minutes outside the Surf Club." I suggested.

"Ok thanks Holden." She said hanging up.

I sat back down on Matilda's bed. I knew I would have to see Belle at some point and this was as good a time as any.

I suddenly felt Matilda's arms around me. " Morning" she said "Your bruises are looking worse" I flinched as she ran her finger down my cheek.

"Its ok" I said removing her arms from aroun my waist. I couldnt deal with her loving me right now I didnt deserve it. "Look ive got to go i will see you later" I kissed her quickly and climbed out of her window.

I walked quickly to the Surf Clib, my mind working over time. What did Belle have to say. What should I say. Before I knew it I was there. I sat down leaning against the side of the building.

"Hey Holden" I heard her say. I looked up and smiled. It was the same old Belle, I dont know why I expected her to be different. I stood up and hugged her, I didnt know what else to do. I just knew that whatever I was going through it was ten times worse for her. She held me so tightly I was finding it difficult to breathe.

"Holden where did you get that bruise" She said finally releasing me from her grip.

"Just mucking about" I replied. I didnt think there was any point in telling her what really happened.

"Funny thats exactly what Henry said about the bruises on his face." she said smirking. " Im not stupid you two had a fight."

"So you have seen Henry" I said. I was surprised.

"He came to the doctors with me first thing" she replied. That surprised me even more.

"So you have been then." I was shaking as I spoke. "What did they say? How far gone are you?"

"Approximately 6 weeks" she said staring straight in to my eyes.

"So it could be mine" I said in disbelief

"Yea Holden it could, or Rics or Henry's" she said quietly

"So whats next" I said. I think I was running on Autopilot.

"Henry booked the appointments for the DNA tests. They are tomorrow." she said.

"They can tell already?" I asked surprised.

"Apparantly, so it wont be long before we know for definate." she said.

"Well thats good" I said "Well what I mean is at least you will know for sure. It will make things easier for you."

"I guess" She said sadly "But I already know who's I want it to be. I just hope it will be his although I dont think he wants it to be."

I stared at her hoping she wasnt saying what I thought she was.

She grabbed my hand squeezing it tightly. "I want it to be yours Lucas"

I pulled away from her and ran off. I couldnt deal with Belle's honest approach.

It was an awful thing to do and I regret it to this day but in my defense I panicked. At that moment I just wanted to be with Matilda happy and secure. I didnt want any of this but then again none of us did. None of us wanted to be the father, well thats what I thought at the time.................................

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  • 2 weeks later...

Chapter 26 - Let it be me.

After I'd ran from Belle I went to the look out. I had been sat there for a few minutes when Henry appeared. I was surprised to see him.

"Hi" I said as he sat down next to me "I didnt expect to see you, what are you doing here?"

"I followed you" he said honestly "I saw you with Belle, heard what she said. You shouldnt have run like that Lucas, it wasnt fair on her."

"You've changed your tune" I said "yesterday you were calling her a slag."

"I never meant that, you know I didnt, but getting back to what she said. Why did you run?" Henry said. "She looked heart broken."

"I didnt want to hear it" I said being blatantly honest. "All I could think was I hope its not mine and she is saying she wants it to be, I couldnt deal so I ran."

"How do you do it Luc?" Henry said there was a different tone to his voice.

I looked at him confused "Do what?"

"Make everyone love you" he simply replied.

"Im not sure I do " I said baffled at where the conversation was going.

"You do" he said "Matilda, Belle"

"Belle doesnt" I said interrupting.

"Of course she does, why would she say she wants you to be the father" He said sternly "Luc dont be an idiot. She is hoping its yours so you guys can live happily ever after."

"Maybe, but thats not what is going to happen even if it is mine" I said "I love your sister, not that Ive shown it."

"I wish I could do it" Henry said ignoring what I had just said. "Make someone falll in love with me. Sure I can get people to sleep with me but thats not love is it?"

"Who are we talking about" I asked "Im guessing there is something your not saying."

Now what he said next took me by surprise but looking back the signs were there all along.

"Belle" Henry said "Why cant she love me. Im totally into her Lucas but all she wants is you."

"I thought it was just sex." Was all I could think of to say.

"It is for her and to start off with it was for me, but the past couple of months something changed in me. I didnt expect it but I cant stop thinking about her, she is always on my mind." Henry said sincerely.

This was a different side to Henry. All these months I had wanted to be like him and Ric and here he was wanting a relationship like I had.

"I want the baby to be mine Luc" he continued "Cause maybe then we can build on something, maybe she could end up loving me."

"I dont know what to say Im sorry Henry. You should have told Ric and I that you felt like this we would never have touched Belle if we'd known." I said still in shock.

"It doesnt matter" henry said " we have other things to worry about, lets go."

Our group was changing already because of the baby or maybe because we were starting to grow up. Either way changes happened and our lives fell apart.....

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This is a short chapter so I thought I would post it now just to get it out the way.

Chapter 27 - Waiting game

We were told that we would have to wait seven days for the results, and it was the longest week of my life.

Matilda still didnt know that Belle was pregnant but she was getting suspicious, she wasnt stupid she knew something was up with everyone.

"Im not being paranoid Lucas" she said to me one night "Belle could hardly look me in the eye this morning and dont get me started on Ric he looks like he hasnt slept in days. Something is going on Im telling you."

"Well dont worry about it. Whatever is going on Im sure we will find out" I said yawning and climbing into bed. I knew I was right she would find out eventually I just had to wait until I knew for definate if I was the father or not.

I waited until she was asleep that night and left. I hadnt been able to sleep lately and sharing a bed with Matilda felt wrong. I didnt like what I had become. I didnt like Lying to Matilda.

I walked along the beach just thinking of all the lies I had told in the past few days. I sat down on the sand. I couldnt understand how I had got everything so wrong. Just over a year ago I was a quiet studious guy and now I was, well I wasnt even sure. I was a boyfriend who lied and cheated. I may be about to become a father. I was 16 how had my life changed so much?

Summer Bay was the answer..

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Chapter 28 - And the father is .........................

The day we found out the result I woke up alone in my bed. I had told Matilda I didnt feel well, it wasnt really a lie. I did feel sick but it wasnt a bug like Maddie thought it was, I was anxious. I felt bad Matilda had given me lots of sympathy and I didnt deserve it.

I cant describe the feeling knowing that your life could change completely and everything you cared about could be gone. Thats all that was going through my head that morning I could lose Matilda that day if we found out that it was mine.

I got dressed and tried to eat breakfast in a daze. Not listening to the conversations my family were having around me. I made my excuses and left my house a lot earlier than I needed to. I just couldnt sit and wait. Slowly I made my way to the hospital.

I saw Belle as soon as I walked in the door. She looked more fragile than I had ever seen her.

"Hey" I said quietly.

"Hi" she said hugging me. It felt nice, it was a comforting familiar feeling.

"How do you want to do this?" I said as I saw Ric and Henry approaching.

"What do you mean?" She asked innocently.

"Do you want us all to go in with you, or do you want to go in alone" I said trying to sound supportive when really I was petrified. "Or maybe one of us could come in with you."

"NO" Henry shouted "All or nothing its not fair Lucas if only one of us goes in with her, the baby could be any of ours."

I understood what Henry was saying he knew she wouldnt pick him to go in with her. He desperately wanted to support her but we all knew she would have chosen me.

"I will go alone" she said "then I will come out and tell you guys."

She hugged each of us in turn I was secretly relieved that she was going in alone. I looked at Henry the look of love in his eyes was obvious I couldnt believe I hadnt noticed it before. A sad look appeared on his face as she walked into the Doctors office alone.

I looked at my two friends stood next to me and smiled.

"Will this change anything between us" Henry suddenly asked. "I mean we wont fall out will we, which ever one of us is the father will need the support of the other two"

"Nothing will change" I said putting my hand on his shoulder. Ric nodded in agreement and put his arm on me.

We stood there in silence a bond between us, united in suport for each other. We honestly believed nothing would change. We were wrong.

The next thing we knew Belle appeared tears in her eyes. As soon as I saw her face I knew. Relief washed over me. It wasnt mine I could tell. I looked at the others as she walked over to us.

"Im sorry" she said "Its yours Ric."

None of us spoke. After a moment Henry walked away tears in his eyes.

"I'll give you some space" Belle said to Ric. "Bye Lucas"

I walked over and hugged her tightly.

"Thanks Lucas" she said "I hope things work out for you and Matilda"

I knew she didnt mean it, but it meant a lot that she had said it. It meant our friendship was worth more than any romantic feelings she had. I turned around and looked at Ric. He hadnt moved since Belle had told him.

"Im going to get some beer" was all he said.

"Want some company" I asked not knowing what else to say.

"No I need to be alone" he said simply walking out.

I walked home that day happy. I found Matilda in my room and without saying anything I walked up and kissed her with in minutes we were making love. I hadnt been able to for a while not when I didnt know if I had got Belle pregnant or not, but doing it then it felt wonderful. Just being with my girlfriend.

I wish that feeling had lasted but unfortunately I made a mistake that would lead to angst and betrayal......

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Chapter 29 - Slip of the tongue

I laid in bed holding Matilda in my arms, everything felt so right.

"Where were you this morning babe" she said "I tried to phone you, but your mobile was turned off.

"Well I guess you will find out soon, so I might as well tell you." I said. "Belle's pregnant with Ric's baby. This morning I was at the hospital waiting with them as they got the results of the paternity test."

"Oh so she had to get the test done then" Maddie asked simply.

"Yes we all had them. Henry seemed a bit upset that the baby wasnt his, you should talk to him about it" i said, I hadnt even realised my own mistake. I was so relieved that I could talk about it now knowing it wasnt mine."

"I think Id prefer to talk to you Lucas" she said.

"what about" I asked innocently. I really hadnt noticed. Looking back on it now she must have thought I was being aloof to get away with it.

"You said we Lucas, we all had them. You had a test to didnt you?" she said shouting "Which means you have slept with Belle since you have been with me."

I didnt answer. I didnt know what to say, tears started runnig down my face.

"Answer me Lucas" she snapped.

"Only once I swear and it doesnt mean I dont love you cause I really do Maddie believe that if nothing else. I didnt tell you about the baby because I didnt want you to get hurt, there was only a small chance that it was mine. I thought if it wasnt we could just carry on as normal" I sounded pathetic and I knew it.

"So my brother and my friends knew that my boyfriend was a cheat and you didnt think that I would get hurt by that let alone the baby. Lucas are you stupid, you should have told me at least then I might have been able to forgive you." She was in tears now.

"But you can forgive me cant you" I was begging her "Please"

"NO Lucas, I cant even look at you right now. Just leave me alone" she said standing up.

"Matilda please dont go" I said grabbing her hand, she pulled out of my grip and ran off.

I sat on my bed in tears for hours that day. I couldnt believe I had lost the only thing I really cared about, I had hurt the only thing I cared about.

Unfortunately for me I was about to find out just how much pain she was in. I was going to suffer it myself. That pain is still with me now, its just joined by a lot more pain.

The four of us left all feel pain and sorrow everyday and will for the rest of our lives.......

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  • 3 weeks later...

Chapter 30 - Shattered

After hours of thinking about Matilda I decided to stop thinking and try and get her back. I wandered around the bay, checking all of her favourite places. She wasnt at any of them. I began to get really worried about her I sat on a bench racking my brain to think of where else she could be when suddenly I heard her laugh.

I walked down to the beach and what I saw broke my heart in two, actually no it shattered my heart. Even thinking about it now I get tears in my eyes. I stood there watching the scene unfold in front of me it didnt seem real, it couldnt possibly be real.

Matilda was there and she looked happy, but that could've been from the amount of alcohol she had obviously consumed. Her arms were around him, her hands were moving up his neck ruffling his hair. I watched as his hands ran themselves all over her body. This wasnt right this was my Matilda. How could he?

I knew she was hurting and was probably looking for comfort. But why would he, I never thought he would do it to me. Why would he I kept thinking over and over.

Now looking back its easy to see that he was trying to forget his life too. Thats what they were both trying to do, they were using each other for comfort and to block out the problems we all had. It has taken me along time to realise thats all it was.

"Oh god Lucas" His voice brought me out of my thoughts. They had seen me. I turned and walked away.

"Leave him it doesnt matter" I heard her say. Hearing it seemed to break my heart a little more.

"Of course it matters, he is my best friend. Christ what have I done. I know he loves you. Lucas stop. please mate stop" I heard Ric shouting as I continued to walk away.

I didnt cry, didnt scream or shout. I had no emotion at all. I just stood there when Ric eventually caught up to me.

"Lucas, Im sorry. I didnt mean to, Ive been drinking so has she. I was upset about the baby, she was upset about you and Belle. It doesnt mean anything. I know she still loves you, she was just out for revenge." He said staring straight into my eyes.

"It means something to me" I whispered " I love her Ric and you have betrayed me. I cant get passed that"

"Dont be such a hypocrite Luc. You have betrayed Matilda with Belle, none of us are perfect but we all have to start dealing and move on. The 5 of us can make this work" he said sounding sincere.

"Maybe I just dont want to" I said walking away.

Thats one of my regrets now, turning my back on my friends. If I had known then that it would be my lasts months with one of them I would have acted differently.

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Thanks for the reviews guys, glad to see your all guessing about who dies. :D

Chapter 31 - Pride

I didnt speak to anyone about Ric and Matilda. The others knew but didnt mention it, well not that they would have had the chance, I had distanced myself from the group. I saw Belle at first but only when Ric wasnt around, I did the same with Henry and Matilda. Something was different though I didnt feel right with them so over time I didnt see any of them at all.

From what I could see everything was going well for Belle and Ric, everytime I saw them around the bay Belle looked happy, to be honest I was glad it was beginning to look like they were a proper couple, a family.

She hadnt said anything to me but as Henry pointed out to me one day when I couldnt avoid him, why should she tell me whats going on in her life. I was making things awkward for her and if I didnt sort it out then I would lose contact with Belle forever.

I decided that my friendship with Belle was worth swallowing my pride. I phoned her and asked her to meet me. I waited for her nervously we hadnt really spoken in 3 weeks maybe even 4 and it seemed odd. Ever since I had moved to the bay Belle had been there for me and here she was going through one of the toughest times in her life and I wasnt there for her. I was being totally selfish. it just took me a while to realise it.

"Hey Holden" she suddenly said from behind me.

The way she said it made me relax straight away in a way only Belle could.

"Hi" I said turning to her "Wow you really are pregnant" I said stupidly.

"Always the smart one hey Holden." She said slightly smiling.

"You know what I mean, your starting to show more." I said trying to explain what I meant.

"Well if you had been around more lately you would have noticed." she snapped.

Her words stung me I knew I had let her down. I didnt know what to say, how to explain why I had acted the way I had. We were silent for a while.

"I wanted to" I began "I just" There were no words. I couldnt explain why I had let her down, because there wasnt a reason.

"You dont have to explain Lucas, I know being around Ric or Maddie is something you cant handle, but why avoid me? Im your friend or at least I thought I was. I needed you Lucas and you werent there" Tears fell down her face and what was left of my heart broke even more.

"Belle,please dont cry" I said putting my arms around her.

"Luc, you have no idea how much I needed you, needed support" she said shrugging my arms off her.

"Im here now Belle, I will help I promise. Whatever you need. Name it." I was practically begging.

"Make up with Ric, He is a big part of my life now and I cant stand you and him not getting on. I need you both." She pleaded.

"I will try Belle for you I promise. I will talk to him." At that point I would have jumped off a bridge if it made her happy. I couldnt stand seeing her like this she was supposed to be the strong one.

"Thank you Lucas. Now do something for yourself. Try and get Matilda back any fool can see your crazy about her and completely miserable without her." Belle smiled at me.

She was right I knew it. I had to try and put things right somehow. I need Maddie back she made me complete.

Looking back yet again, it was Belle who tried to put me on the right path and helped me even though she had problems of her own. Belle was my rock, I just wish I had figured it out earlier.

I wish I had figured out all of my friends earlier because each of them have qualities that make them special. Unfortunately I realised to late how important each of us were to each other and how well we fit together. 5 confused children that had already suffered loss, but for us the suffering would continue...

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