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The Woes Of Christmas

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Story Title:The Woes Of Christmas
Type of Story: Short/Medium Fic
Main Characters: Alf,Morag,Harvey,Roo,Xavier,Dex,April,Rooco,Colleen,Marilyn.
BTTB rating: A
Genre: Christmas Comedy
Spoilers: No
Any warning: SC
Summary: A Nice quiet Christmas dinner with friends soon turns into utter maddness and mayhem.

The Woes Of Christmas

The giant snowy flakes of whiteness fall, swirling through the bitterness gusts of the coldness of the windy air melting into the glistening beautiful snow covering ground below. The frost and the ice have frozen the doors of the caravans to their doorframes, while their windows have had a thick coating of snow block out any view of the outside. Whispers of the billowing wind have started to whistle round the house now, making Alf Stewart glad that he was inside benefiting from the glowing heat from the houses heating.

Alf sits on the sofa crossed legged with a bottle of beer in his hand watching The Grinch. Now what could be better than sitting down to a good Christmas movie with a refreshing beer? Well in short it is better to be feeling relaxed while doing so. But for Alf Stewart he was feeling anything but relaxed. As the presence of Morags staring eyes seemed to be boring into the back of his head. As she sat at the computer desk trying to untangle some very long and frustrating piece of tinsel, not being able to stand the pressure from his sisters glare any longer Alf lets out a sigh.

Alf:: Flaming hell Morag just spit it out will you, before you go wearing a giant hole in the back of my head.

Morag gives her glasses a gentle nudge up her nose before speaking.

Morag:: Alfred?

Alf:: Oh no Morag theres no way on this flaming earth, Im going to be wearing that Santa suit again this year.

Morag:: Oh no Alfred I wouldnt dream of asking you to do anything like that, after the chaos of your Santas grotto job in the Yabbie Creek mall last year. where you accidentally called that small sweet little child a flaming galah.

Alf:: Oh you mean that spoiled little brat with the six paged Christmas list? I tell you now that young galah took the art of present giving to a whole new level.

Morag:: Anyway Alfred I wanted to say.

Alfred:: Yes?

Morag:: Please do not tell me that sort of shrub like thing shoved up in the corner by the tv is our Christmas tree?

Alf:: Ok Morag I wont going telling you that.

Morag gazes across to once more take in the look of the small shrubs ugliness with its writhing and discoloured leaves. she would of watered it but given its present pathetic like state being watered now would not make a blind abit of difference.

Morag:: It is isnt it thats your idea of a Christmas tree?

Alf:: Whats the flaming matter with it?

Morag:: Well its dead for a start.

Alf:: Oh Morag its just quite old thats all.

Morag:: How old exactly? It looks older that Colleen.

Alf:: Strike me handsome Morag its still has plenty of life still in it yet.

Morag:: No Im sorry Alfred your shrivelled up plant pot shrub just wont do.

Alf watches as a stern looking Morag marches round the front of the sofa to face him.

Morag:: Your have to go get a new tree.

Alf gazes up to a rather scary looking Morag, who stands towering over him with her hands placed at her hips.

Alf:: I..

Morag:: No Alfred I dont want to hear any nos or buts your going to grab either your big yellow or orange jacket, which ever is warmer and then you will go out and get us a new tree.

Alf:: I cant do that I save those jackets for rescue missions I

Morag:: This is a rescue mission, your saving us from the embarrassment of our friends coming over for Christmas lunch, and seeing that poor excuse of an shrub as our Christmas tree.

Alf:: Oh fine I do it in abit. The turkey still needs stuffing and we have to wait for Harvey and Roo to finish with their bickering before that happens.

Morag:: But we cant wait that long our guests will be here soon.

Alf:: Its only young Dexter, Xavier and April and little Rocco. Morag its nothing to get your flaming knickers in a twist about.

Morag:: Its Christmas Alfred it only comes round once a year and we need a decent tree.

The house is suddenly filled with the sounds of some very loud raised voices. Morag moves closer to voices as they make their way down the stairs.

Morag:: You never told me you had started fostering teenagers Alfred.

Alf rolls his eyes.

Alf:: Their not teenagers Morag.

Morag:: Sounds like it.

Alf:: Its Just Roo and Harvey they always sound like a couple of galahs.

Morag looks shocked as Harvey and Roo enter the room in mid fight mode, seeming so lost in the fight to even notice Morag standing by the door as they walk into the room.

Harvey:: Roo please I promise I wont ever forget again.

Roo:: Oh but Harvey you will I know you will. No matter how many times I say I always go to the toilet to find you have left the seat up.

Harvey:: Oh Roo now come on please you have to understand it was dark. I was tired it was the middle of the night for pity sake I.

Alf coughs loudly and shrugs when there is still no response from either Harvey or Roo.

Alf:: Harvey Morag wants me to go get a tree would you like to come help me?

Harvey:: What Roo now come on first the toilet seat and now you want me to help you go get a tree?

Roo:: Harvey have you gone mad? I didnt mention anything about a tree I said

Harvey:: You did so I heard you, but I havent got a clue why when we have your dads ugly looking shrub.

Roo:: Hey dads proud of his ugly looking shrub.

Harvey:: I

Alf shoots up from the sofa as the need to do some angry bellowing overwhelms him.


Harvey and Roos arguing come to a very abrupt end as shocked silence beholds them both.

Alf:: Now come on Harvey we have a tree to go and buy.

Marilyn:: Oh I dont think that will be possible Mr Stewart.

Marilyn smiles while standing in the doorway holding about six bags of shopping. Colleen stands empty handed next to her, everyone cant help but gawk at the amount of shopping she and Colleen had managed to get.

Marilyn:: What we need abit of party food and some crackers dont we?

Morag:: Here let me take those bags, Colleen really you should of helped Marilyn carry some of this.

Colleen:: Oh yes well I did think about offering too.

Morag:: And?

Colleen:: I didnt offer, well they do say its the thought which counts.

Alf then pats Harvey on the back together they make for the door.

Marilyn:: Oh Mr Stewart as I said I dont think you will find a Christmas tree and the roads are bad.

Colleen:: Yes if it wasnt for Madge Wilkins giving us a lift back on her snow plough I doubt we would of made it back.

Morag:: Get the axe Alfred the one Im using as evidence for the case of an mad axe murderer I have been working on while in the city.

Alf:: Er ok what about the fingerprints?

Morag:: Wear your gloves, oh and Alfred take the sleigh as it does look bad out there.

Alf and Harvey exchange warily looks to each over.

Harvey:: Right we will be back in abit.

Roo:: Your not going Harvey.

Harvey:: Im not?

Roo:: No you and me have the stuffing to do remember?

Marilyn chuckles.

Marilyn:: Oh my Im sorry but that does sounds rather dirty.

Harvey:: Oh I guess so, sorry Alf looks like I have to stay home and fight with your daughter abit more.

Alf:: Well thats that back to watching tv for me, theres a film on in minute anyway.

Morag:: Scrooge

Alf:: Hey Morag thats abit uncalled for, no need to flaming call me that.

Morag:: No Scrooge is the next film to start.

Marilyn:: Oh Mr Stewart I could come with you? Riding a sledge would be kind of thrilling and exciting.

So out into the wintry whether they went in search of the perfect Christmas tree, With Morags axe in one hand and the sledge reins in the other. Alf dragged a rather hyper Marilyn along behind him.

Alf:: Honestly Marilyn how old are you?

Marilyn:: Stop talking Mr Stewart and find us a huge hill to zoom down please.

Alf:: Marilyn love as soon as we find a decent enough looking tree we are going home.

Marilyn:: Oh look theres a huge hill there. Pull me over there Oh and look what luck there are a few trees too.

Alf feeling hot and sweaty from wearing his big yellow jacket (he should have worn the orange one as it was less bulky) slowly plods his way over to the trees which Marilyn had just pointed out.

Alf then drops the reins of the sledge at the top of the huge hill, now at a closer look it looked to be more of a huge mountainside. Alf then gazes up to a strong and tough looking tree.

Alf:: Will this one do?

Marilyn:: Er Mr Stewart I dont feel so safe left here, and I cant stand up because of all the clothes Im wearing. Oh dear er Mr Stewart the err sledge is moving its slipping, oh NOOOOOOOO IM SLIDING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.

Alf starts to chop violently at the tree before him.

Alf:: Marilyn remember to shout timber, so I have some warning when the trees about to fall ok?

Alf turns his head to see if Marilyn had heard him, but instead of seeing her he can only hear what he thinks to be screams of delight. When in fact Marilyn was in fact having the most frightening sledge ride of her life, Alf shakes his head and goes back to hacking at the tree.

Alf:: Honestly would you believe it? There goes another fun loving galah filled with the glee of flaming Christmas.

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Thanks Red,Sarah and JoiseTash for the comments. :)

Hope you like this one.

Chapter 2

While Harvey and Roo went about stuffing the rather tasty looking giant turkey, Christmas music played joyfully in the background. which aided Colleen with treating everybody to her not so delightful and tone deaf singing voice. Singing very loudly as she shuffles back and fourth setting the table for Christmas lunch.

A loud and rather noisy grunt of a flaming hell ,and a flinging of the front door which causes it to slam back against the wall from Alf makes Colleen jump back. Sending the newly washed knifes and forks she was holding to go crashing to the floor.

Morag:: “Colleen what ever is the matter?”

Colleen points a shaking finger to the open doorway, Where a rather bruised and scratched looking Alf stands, with a large beast of a tree lying just behind him. As well as the tree Alf seems to be standing by…..

Colleen:: “Morag oh my days, is that the Abominable Snowman? I thought you asked him to go out and find a tree, not to find a very scary looking monster and bring it home with him as well?”

Harvey:: “Monster who’s found a monster?”

Harvey dashes round to the front door also to gaze upon the monstrous figure who stands next to a rather cold and grumpy looking Alf.

Harvey:: “I say Alf where did you come across that thing? It looks even scarier than Roo does with no make up on.”

Roo:: “Hey!!”

Colleen:: “I am feeling the need to faint here, I can’t believe that my brother has gone out on Christmas day and made the discovery of the Abominable Snowman. Oh Morag will you catch me? I think I’m about to pass out I….”

Alf:: “What on earth are you galahs flaming waffling on about this is Marilyn not a flaming monster.”

Harvey:: “Marilyn really why are you covered in snow? Oh Alf have you and Marilyn been having a snowball fight?”

Roo:: “Dad I am shocked you mean to say you have actually been having some fun? See I knew you were feeling the joy of Christmas really.”

Morag:: “Alfred well have you and Marilyn been having fun out in the snow?”

It is at this point that Marilyn tries to speak but all which comes out of her mouth are a couple of chunks of snow.

Alf:: “No Marilyn went sledging down a mountain she mistaken for what she thought was a smallish hill. She ended up crashing her sledge into a flaming cluster of snow, you should have heard her scream. Strike me handsome it was a very masterful and stylish stunt.”

Morag:: “Didn’t you go and try to help her?”

Alf:: “Morag as far as I was concerned I was there to flaming chop a tree down. I wasn’t about to stop Marilyn having some fun by chasing after her. That mountain was flaming steep.

Marilyn manages to spit the last of the small snow chunks out of her mouth.

Marilyn:: “Oh Mr Stewart that is the thing it wasn’t fun I was terrified. That sledge was really going at some high speeds down that mountain”

Alf:: “Oh well that makes two of us. I nearly had that flaming tree land on top of me while you were off having the ride of your life.”

Morag:: “Well come on Marilyn lets get you warmed up. Alfred go and see if you can work that computer out, Harvey before you come sticking your hand back up that turkeys behind put the kettle on.”

Roo sighs as Harvey looks to her looking lost.

Roo:: “Honestly Harvey you must know where the teabags are by now?”

Alf meanwhile looks at the computer with a rather scared looking expression on his face.

Alf:: “What about the flaming computer looks fine to me.”

Colleen:: “Morag wants you to open that Skypey thingy up.”

Alf:: “Oh why?”

Colleen:: “We will be able to see Sally and Miles inside the computer then.”

Morag:: “Sally and Miles have said they will join us for Christmas lunch via Skype can you set it up Alfred?”

Alf:: “I don’t have a flaming clue how to do that, wait until Dex gets here.”

Colleen:: “How will Dexter put Sally and Miles inside the computer?”

Alf:: “Colleen they won’t be inside it, they will still be in their home in Thailand.”

Colleen:: “Madge Wilkins says all this new technology is to much nowadays and very confusing I agree with her.”

Harvey:: “Marilyn would you like sugar in you cup of tea?”

Marilyn:: “Yes please.”

Harvey turns back to the kitchen looking lost once again.

Roo:: “Harvey you do live here right? Or did I just dream the part where you moved in so we could live together?”

Harvey:: “It’s not my fault you move things about in the kitchen so I can’t find anything.”

Roo slams the tin of sugar down on the table.

Roo:: “You were looking right at it are you blind?”

Harvey:: “Oh well thank you very much, there’s no need to go getting in a mood. Oh by the way have you moved my watch anywhere I can’t find that either.”

Roo:: “Oh I don’t know maybe you have stuffed it up the turkeys butt.”

Harvey:: “Oh don’t be sooo………”

Harvey bends low level with the turkeys behind, and peers into the dark gapping hole while using the light from his mobile phone’s screen as a guide to see inside.

Harvey:: “There is no way I have managed to stuff my watch into this turkey Roo just no way I’m not totally useless I………..”

Roo:: “Mmmm what is it Harvey you have gone very quiet?”

Harvey peers up at Roo with a worried look in his eyes.

Harvey:: “I take everything I just said back, my watch is indeed inside the turkeys butt.”

Roo:: “Well what do we do?”

Harvey starts by shoving his hand inside the turkey’s backside and starts to pull handfuls of stuffing out at a very fast rate.

Harvey:: “We don’t tell Morag about it, or your dad that’s what we do. And for the love of God we do not tell Colleen.”

Harvey quickly takes Marilyn her drink before rushing back to the turkey.

Roo:: “Oh God Harvey your watch is buried deep inside here.”

Harvey:: “I know”

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Thanks Sarah,Red and JoiseTash for the comments :)

Here is the next chapter.

Chapter 3

The young boy’s eyes opened wider with absolute joy as he watched the tiny fluffy snowflakes melt down the side of the window, of Xavier’s four wheeled police jeep.

April:: “The snow looks pretty doesn’t it Rocco?”

Rocco:: “No pretty is girly, snow is bad ass.”

April:: “No it is pretty.”

Rocco:: “No’s April yous is silly snow bad ass.”

Xavier turns to look at April who is sat next to him in the passenger seat.

Xavier:: “You heard him April snow isn’t pretty its…….”

April:: “Yes ok Xave.”

Back in the back seat little Rocco turns to Dex.

Rocco:: “I’s is boreds.”

Dex:: “Would you like to play a game?”

April:: “Dex nothing too complicated his only three.”

Dex rolls his eyes and glances to Rocco smiling.

Rocco:: “I’s no want to play a game.”

Dex:: “Oh ok”

Rocco:: “Dexy what is a geek?”

Dex:: “Oh I…..its a very smart cookie.”

Rocco:: “Daddy is wrongs.”

Dex looks to Rocco confused.

Dex:: “What’s he wrong about?”

Rocco:: “Daddy says yous Dexy is geek, buts yous nos look like a cookie mes Rocco eats cookies.”

Dex:: “Oh I see, well a geek is er a smart person a clever person.”

Rocco:: “Yous is clever then?”

Dex:: “Yes”

Rocco:: “My daddy’s not he said Father Christmas isn’t reals.”

Dex:: “Oh he is.”

Rocco:: “I knows I opens my toys today’s.”

Dex:: “Cool so did I.”

Xavier and April both roll their eyes as they listen to Dex and Rocco compare each others toys.

Rocco:: “Yous is too old for toys Dexy, yous no little boy.”

Dex:: “No way am I too old for toys, I have a small remote controlled helicopter I can fly round my house.”

Rocco:: “Wooooooooooooo.”

Dex:: “Yeah its really cool.”

April:: “I’m not too sure your dad would agree the number of times you have bounced it off his head Dex.”

Dex:: “Well if he keeps insisting to walk in the way while its in mid flight.”

Rocco:: “Your daddy is silly tos do that Dexy.”

Dex:: “Yeah”

Rocco:: “Daddy got me’s this.”

Rocco pulls a tiny slingshot out from his pocket.

Dex:: “Wow a sling shot that’s cool.”

Rocco:: “Mummy tells me off today says I not play with it in house.”

Dex:: “Ah no but you can sling loads of snowballs outside with it.”

Rocco happily grins while gazing out at all the snow.

Rocco:: “Yeah Dexy cans he stops to get some snow?”

Rocco turns to Dex and points to Xavier.

Rocco:: “What’s name?”

Dex:: “Xavier his name is Xavier.”

Rocco:: “I cant’s says, heys yous we stops now?”

Xavier winces as he feels Rocco kick his seat hard.

Xavier:: “Yeah we are here now you little br…..”

April gives Xavier a glare which stops him from referring to her little nephew as a little brat.

Xavier:: “Er I mean yes we are stopping now, you little angel child.”

April:: “That’s more like it Xave.”

Rocco:: “I’s no angel.”

Xavier:: “Yep you got that right.”

April lightly laughs.

April:: “So Xave will I go let them know we are here?”

Xavier looks round at April looking slightly worried.

April:: “Xave I am sure you can manage to get Dex’s wheelchair out the boot you have got muscles.”

Xavier:: “Yes but what if it falls on top of me and I die?”

April:: “Then I will hear you screaming and come help you.”

Xavier sighs before standing by the side of his police jeep giving his muscles a quick flex. Then he processes to march manly round to the boot of the jeep, where Dex’s electric powered monster of a wheelchair awaits, Where the battle of Xavier VS machine would soon commence.

Dex had been wheelchair bound ever since the day he had had an accident while driving his sister Indi’s car. That had been three years ago now and he still struggled with mastering the art of driving his electric wheelchair.

Dex dismissed his rather disastrous control whilst driving with it, by using the excuse of saying he liked to live life dangerously, and was thinking about becoming a highly skilled dare devil.

Dex and Rocco both sit in the back seat of the jeep laughing quietly, while listening to Xavier’s noisy grunts as he heaves the chair out from the car. Rocco who had begged his mom Bianca to go with April to have Christmas lunch with her and her friends, claiming he wanted to spend time with his auntie, while also promising to be a good boy opened the door to see the real reason behind wanting to come along, The excitement of having a play with Dex’s wheelchair.

Rocco:: “Dexy me have a go?”

Dex:: “Oh no sorry only very skilled drivers are allowed to drive my wheelchair.”

Xavier:: “Oh are there any of them about Dex?”

Dex:: “Yes I am a very skilled driver.”

Xavier:: “Oh really my foot is still throbbing from last week when you and your skilled driving crushed it.”

Dex:: “Well Xave what can I say? I was just testing your pain thresholds out for you.”

Xavier:: “Oh well they are working it really, really hurt.”

Dex:: “Glad to be of service.”

Xavier then went about helping Dex to slide across from the car to his chair, While Marilyn and April stood waving at them from the doorstep of the house.

Xavier:: “Right we all set? Rocco do you want to hold my hand?”

Rocco:: “Nos”

Xavier:: “You might slip over in this snow I think you better.”

Rocco:: “Nos.”

Xavier:: “Rocco please I……….”

Xavier and Dex both look shocked as Rocco jumps into Dex’s lap.

Rocco:: “Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah go fast Dexy.”

Dex who has turned the speed of his wheelchair right down low shakes his head.

Dex:: “No mate we will go slow to be safe.”

Rocco:: “Nooo we go fast we not girls.”

And with a quick fiddle with the chair’s speed dial Rocco has managed to crank the chairs speed levels up to whole new level, beyond speeds that Dex had even though possible.

Dex:: “Er Xave I………………………….”

Xavier can only watch as Dex bombs away from him while screaming his head off.

Inside the house Alf is busy decorating the new and improved Christmas tree while Morag supervises him.

Morag:: “Alfred is that loud rumbling sound your stomach? If it is it sounds most unnatural. I’m sure Harvey and Roo will do a good job with the turkey.

Morag gives a slightly concerned looking Roo, and to what looks to Morag as a bend over Harvey who seemed to be giving the turkey’s butt a very close inspection.

Alf:: “No Morag that rumbling sound you hear is not my stomach, it sounds like a flaming earthquake and it seems to be getting closer.”

Morag:: “Well that would be just bad luck.”

Alf:: “I say after putting all these flaming red and blue baubles on this flaming tree just to have it fall over again, will just be taking the biscuit.”

Morag edges closer to the door.

Morag:: “Alfred come here…..”

Alf impatiently drags himself away from the tree to where Morag stands in the doorway. They are both taken by surprise as April and Marilyn both come falling through the door.

April:: “Oh hello I think we should all move away from the door.”

Morag:: “Nonsense its only Dex and Rocco, Alfred get ready to greet them I’m just going to go put some cakes a mince pies out.”

Alf stands at the door holding his hand out ready to greet Dex.


Alf turns to see a terrified looking Dex skid into the house and go crashing into the wall.

Rocco:: “Wooooooooooooooooooooooo yeaaaaaaaaaaah, that is fun lets do it again.”

Alf hops back to his tree.

Rocco:: “Is that a fairly at top the tree?”

Alf looks to see where the young boy is pointing to see something small and brown moving about through the branches of the tree.

Marilyn:: “Oh Mr Stewart what is it?”

Alf peers closely while the small creature peers back at him.

Alf:: “I think it’s a flaming chipmunk”


Xavier then enters the house breathing heavily from his mad dash after Dex, who is looking sheepishly at a massive chunk he has taken out of the wall.

Xavier:: “Ewwww chipmunk I thought we were having turkey for lunch?”

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Thanks Red, Sarah, JoiseTash, Zetti and Laura for the comments

Zetti there's no need to apologise as long as you enjoyed reading the story that's the main thing.

Laura I'm glad you’re enjoying this too. Most of my fics are comedy’s so feel free if you want to read some of them, their on my profile page.

Chapter 4

Dex:: “Hello, hello, hello, are you receiving me?”

Rocco:: “No’s I donts thinks they ares Dexy”

Xavier who has been out to the Jeep to pick up a bag fill of presents walks back into the house with a look of confusion on his face.

Xavier:: “What’s Dex doing trying to contact his home planet?”

April:: “Haha, Xave no his setting up Skype for Mr Stewart, Miles and his sister Sally are joining us for Christmas lunch.”

Xavier:: “Oh really cool.”

Rocco sits on at swivel chair next to Dex, as he tries to communicate with Miles over the computer.

Rocco:: “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay this is fun.”

Rocco swings himself round fast on the swivel chair causing it to go hurling into the side of Dex’s wheelchair.

Rocco:: “Ouches your naughty car hurt my legs Dexy.”

Dex:: “Oh no maybe you should just sit still and watch me do this.”

Rocco:: “Nos I smacks your naughty car Dexy.”

Dex:: “No don’t do……..”

Rocco whacks at Dex’s wheelchair, as he does so he catches its little joystick control which causes Dex to launch into the computer table, Which results in it banging into the wall.

Colleen:: “Oh Dexter seems to be getting angry with that Skypey thing.”

Morag:: “Yes Dex try not to go through that wall too. You have already taken a chunk out of the wall over there when you did your grand entrance.”

Alf:: “Yes and I’m sure he took a huge chunk of my poor foot as well as the wall.”

Morag:: “Oh Alfred stop complaining and find that escaped chipmunk will you please? Colleen looks ready to jump up onto the table with fright.”

Rocco:: “Dexy you gets told offs?”

Dex:: “Yes I did, are you sorry you got me in trouble?”

Rocco smiles sweetly up at him and says…

Rocco:: “Nos”

Dex sighs before going back to speaking into the computers microphone.

Dex:: “Hello are you there Miles? Can you hear me have you plugged yourself in?”

Dex jumps as a load of static and background noise come hissing back at him through the computers speakers.

Xavier:: “Oh man his not having much luck really is he?”

April:: “No but I’m sure he will work it out, so Xave was carrying the bag of presents more heavier than getting Dex’s chair out the boot?”

Xavier:: “April nothing in this world is heavier than Dex’s chair. My muscles are still aching from lifting it.”

April laughs as she and Xavier go about sorting everyone’s presents out, Dex meanwhile is reading the typed messages from Miles on Skype.

Miles Dex what is wrong? I can hear you I have been waffling away to you for the last half an hour, but all I hear is you calling out hello.

Dex sighs as he types a message back.

Dex Miles have you got your mic plugged in?

Miles Yes ah hang on no, might that be the problem?

Dex I would say that is very much at the heart of the problem Miles.

Miles Really who would of thought?

Dex Yes well plug it in.

Miles Ok no wait there’s a problem, I’m not to sure which cable it is I think it might have fallen behind the computer. Hang on I will ask Sally to crawl behind it and hunt it out. I’m abit busy eating a bowl of cereal at the monment and wouldn’t want to spill any milk over any of the wires.

Dex sighs as he thinks the fun of setting the webcam up is still yet to come.

While Alf dashes round the living room trying to catch the troublesome little chipmunk that has been hiding in the Christmas tree with a huge fishing net. Harvey and Roo are finally closer to retrieving Harvey’s watch from inside the turkey’s butt.

Roo is now stood in front of Harvey slowly reaching her hand deep inside the dead bird. Little does she realise though is that the hand she is reaching with is also the hand in which she wears her engagement ring to Harvey upon her third finger, which would also become lost inside the depths of their Christmas lunch soon enough.

Roo:: “Ewww Harvey this feels so warm and disgusting.”

Harvey:: “Yes, yes can you feel my watch inside there yet?”

Roo:: No give me a minute will you please? One would have thought it would have been a good idea to take your watch off before sticking your arm inside the turkey….”

Harvey:: “Yes thank you for pointing out my fatal mistake now when its to late. That is an huge help.”

Roo:: “Oh shut up a second, I think I have it I…”

Harvey:: “Oh thank God well come on pull it out.”

Roo gives a quick sharp tug but to her horror her hand would not budge.

Harvey:: “Roo?”

Roo turns to Harvey.

Roo:: “Oh my God Harvey I think my hands stuck up the turkey.”

Harvey quickly grabs Roo from behind.

Roo:: “What are you doing? I really don’t think this is the best time to be feeling frisky Harvey.”

Harvey: “You what? What no if you think having your hand rammed up a turkeys backside turns me on Roo Stewart…….”

Morag:: “Have you two stuffed that old bird yet?”

Harvey and Roo look to Morag who is busy hanging tinsel along the outside archway of the kitchen.

Harvey:: “Now Morag is that anyway to speak about Colleen?”

Harvey and Roo then go back to solving their turkey dilemma.

Roo:: “So if your not feeling frisky Harvey why is it your gripping me from behind?”

Harvey: “I’m going to help you pull your hand out of the turkey of course now on three.”

Roo:: “Errrrrr”

Harvey:: “One…….two………three.”

Harvey pulls Roo back with all this might a pained expression on each of their faces.

Xavier:: “Stuffing that turkey don’t half sound like hard work doesn’t it?”

Xavier laughs as loud grunting can be heard coming from Harvey and Roo. Roo suddenly falls back into Harvey’s arms.

Roo:: “Phew that is one experience I never want again.”

Harvey:: “Tell me about it now then can I have my watch please?”

Roo:: “Oh I must of lost my hold of it when you were tugging at me, I had it here right in my hand I….”

Roo looks to her hand Harvey noticing the look of terror on her face quickly asks….

Harvey:: “Roo?”

Roo:: “Where the hell is it?”

Harvey:: “Where’s what?”

Roo:: “My engagement ring.”

Harvey and Roo’s eyes fall once more upon the turkey.

Roo:: “Oh no, no, no, no, no.”

Back at the computer Dex lays his head down on the desk while waiting for Miles to find his right cable for his microphone so he could be heard of Skype.

Rocco:: “Dexy no sleepy time yet.”

Dex lifts his head off the desk.

Dex:: “Huh?”

Rocco:: “Yous is asleeps”

Dex:: “Yes I was, Miles come in Miles have you found your cable yet?”

Suddenly the speakers make a very loud crackling sound.

Miles:: “Yes I have can you hear me?”

Dex:: “Yes we have lift off.”

Miles:: “Great”

Dex:: “Good to finally hear your voice Miles.”

Dex looks down to Rocco who is tugging at the shelve of his t shirt.

Rocco:: “What’s name?”

Dex:: “Rocco meet Miles.”

Rocco:: “Piles?”

Dex:: “No Miles.”

Rocco looks confused.

Rocco:: “Hellos Piles I is Rocco.”

Xavier and April sit smiling at the pile of presents sat before them having sorted from the now emptied bag.

Xavier:: “Come on everyone come and open your presents.”

Alf:: “The chance would be a flaming fine thing, now get here you flaming galah.”

Alf sweeps the little chipmunk up into his fishing net.

Alf:: “See got you now you little…..”

Morag:: “Alfred come sit down so we can open our presents.”

Colleen, Marilyn, a rather worried looking Harvey and Roo and Morag and a little Rocco gather round the sofa.

April:: “Here Colleen this is from me and Bianca and Heath.”

Colleen smiles down at the golden wrapped small looking present as April passes it to her.

Colleen:: “Why thank young April.”

Colleen then goes about ripping at the wrapping paper excitedly.

Colleen:: “Oooooooooooh this is nice…….. what is it?”

April:: “It’s a Dictaphone so you can record any gossip you hear and then play it back to yourself.”

Alf:: “Oh what a flaming good idea April I think flaming not.”

April:: “Hey don’t blame me it was Heath’s idea actually, well I think he was joking but Bianca took him seriously.”

Everyone then went about opening their presents until there was only one left Xavier handed it to Marilyn.

Marilyn:: “Thank you Xave.”

Xavier:: “Its from Mum, John, Jett and me.”

Everyone smiled while they watched Marylyn smile down at her present.

It was at this exact point that John Palmer was smiling and winking at Gina as she sat before her present. Jett sat happily in the middle of them waiting to see what John had brought her.

John:: “Oh I think your going to like this present Gina my darling I really do.”

Gina:: “Oh yes John I wonder what it could be.”

Gina gives him a smile and wink.

John:: “Its something we can both enjoy tonight.”

Jett:: “Chocolates right?”

John:: “Oh no my boy its abit more better than chocolates.”

Gina:: “John don’t go saying that Jett’s too young.”

Now it is in this point of glee and happiness that we must take pause to go over the history of the last year. To a time when Gina Palmer had been quite worried about John and Marilyn having an affair. She had first become concerned after John had come back home drunk, after being invited to a lock in party at Angelo’s by the owner Brax. It was there that John and Marilyn had gotten abit to friendly for Gina’s liking, and ever since that wild lock in party John and Marilyn had been known to lightly flirt with each other which they claim to be nothing but innocence.

John:: “You got my slightly racy text this morning didn’t you Gina with clues to what my present is didn’t you Gina?”

Gina:: “No I never had a text from you.”

Then it suddenly dawns on John as he stares at the Santa covered Christmas paper of Gina’s present, that wasn’t the paper he had wrapped it in. Gina’s present was wrapped in pink paper with a bow on top. John quickly grabs his phone and dashes from the room leaving Gina and Jett to both stare at each other.

Marilyn meanwhile has started to rip at the pink paper but is stopped by a incoming text, which has been delayed coming through by the phone networks being busy. This rather racy and flirty text makes her go pink in the face.

Marilyn:: “Oh my that is just so…….”

Morag:: “What is it what does it say?”

Marilyn quickly sends a blushing smiley face back to John who had sent his text to

Marilyn by mistake that morning Xavier’s phone starts to ring.

Xavier:: “Hello?”

John:: “Xavier you wouldn’t believe it God I don’t even believe it.”

Xavier: “Yes John that is nice but I don’t really want to know how good mum looks in her sexy silky red bra and knickers.”

John:: “That’s the thing Marilyn has the wrong present.”

Xavier:: “What no way?”

John:: “Yes if you don’t stop her from opening that present your going to be looking at some sexy night wear which is meant for Gina.”


Marilyn:: “Oh now Xavier are you sure these are from all of you or just John? The naughty, naughty man.”

Xavier drops his phone to the floor as he gazes up at Marilyn as she swings the red laced and rather revealing sexy nightwear before his face. John’s panicked sounding voice can be heard from somewhere below in all the fallen wrapping paper.

Dex watches as Alf and Harvey and Roo stagger away from the sofa in shock, while Morag sits there with a stern looking expression. Alf doesn’t notice the little chipmunk jump into Marilyn’s lap.

Dex:: “Mr Stewart do you want to say hello to Miles and Sally? Here speak into the mic there.”

Alf who is still getting over John’s present to Marilyn staggers into the computer and accidently pulls out the cable for the microphone.

Alf:: “Er good day Miles, Sal.”

Dex:: “Step closer to the mic I don’t think they heard you.”

Alf:: “Can you hear me now?”

Silence is the only thing heard from the other end.


Meanwhile while Alf stands at the computer yelling in the hope of Miles and Sally hearing him, Harvey and Roo glance round the kitchen blankly.

Harvey:: “Er where’s the turkey gone?”

Colleen:: “I put it in the oven.”

Roo:: “You what why would you do that?”

Colleen:: “Oh fine is that the thanks I get for trying to be helpful.”

Colleen shuffles away in a huff.

Harvey and Roo rush over to the oven to see the turkey slowly starting to cook.

Harvey:: “My watch was still inside that turkey.”

Roo:: “Who cares about your watch what about my ring?”

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Thank you everyone for the feedback. :whistling:

Hope you like this one.

Chapter 5

The joys of Christmas and harmony glistened in everybody’s eyes as they sat round the dining table, wearing their brightly coloured Christmas party hats, waiting for Harvey to crave the sweet delicious smelling turkey.

Christmas crackers had been carefully placed upon the brightly laid red tablecloth The wide screened computer monitor had been moved into place at the foot of the table with the help from a tea trolley from the Diner. Grinning out from the screen were Miles and Sally’s happy faces, everyone if not quite awkwardly smiled back at them.

Alf:: “Come on Harvey carve that turkey abit quicker I’m flaming starving here.”

Alf pats his stomach as he tries his best to keep his hunger pains at bay.

Morag I have to say that your place looks very Christmassy. You seem to have gone all out with the decorating.”

Miles:: “Ah do you think so? I didn’t think we had gone that mad with Christmas this year.”

Everyone can’t help but share a look of utter astonishment with one another as they glance at the computer screen, to see Miles cutting a huge chunk of turkey off his and sally’s massive looking Christmas turkey. As well as the turkey the table was laid with other varieties of different Christmassy foods. making it look like a huge Christmas feast fit for a king or queen.

A dozen or so placed candles were it seemed to be their only source of light and were dotted round their huge cosy living room gently burning away. Some of the candles sat upon the table. Others stood behind upon a golden brass burning log fireplace; just above Sally’s head a daisy chain of Christmas cards could be seen dangling from the ceiling.

From where everyone were sitting watching them back in Summer Bay via the webcam Miles and Sally seemed to be living in a some kind of wintry Santa’s Christmas wonderland.

Alf:: “Give us some of that blinking turkey Miles, Harvey’s acting like some kind of galah in the kitchen and seems to be taking flaming forever with ours.”

Sally:: “Well Mr Stewart if you would like to jump on a plane to Thailand you are more than welcome to have some of our turkey.”

Miles:: “Yeah but be quick before I eat it all.”

Xavier:: “No way can you eat all of that. It’s massive not to mention all the other mountains of food you have on that table.

Miles:: “That is where you are wrong Xavier, I don’t know what is the matter with me, but ever since moving to Thailand I seem to have a bigger appetite, which is strange because I never used to be a big eater back while I was living in Australia.”

This last statement by Miles makes almost everybody round the table choke on their Christmas punch and mulled wine. The only person who wasn’t in shock was Rocco who was happily bouncing his Christmas cracker up and down off the table.

April:: “Would you like to pull your cracker with me Rocco?”

Rocco:: “Is yous strong?”

Dex:: “Oh yeah April has HUGE muscles.”

Rocco::: “Likes my daddys?”

Dex:: “Way bigger she’s like superman.”

Rocco:: “Nos superman no girl, Aprils is girl silly Dexy. mys daddys superman.”

April:: “Rocco come on let me pull your cracker with you.”

Rocco:: “Oks then I wins though.”

April takes hold of her end of the cracker while Rocco grips tightly to his.

Xavier:: “Go on April you can win.”

April:: “Xave I’m going to take it easy his only a little kid.”

Colleen:: “Awww look at his cute little face, aren’t you a little cutie pie Rocco?”

Marilyn looks up from stroking the small chipmunk who had seemed to of taken quite a liking to her.

Marilyn:: “Wooooo Rocco now you be careful not to go falling off your chair.”

Roo:: “I’m here to catch you if you do Rocco.”

Rocco can’t help but roll his little eyes at all the silly grown ups, he was going to win the biggest part of the cracker if it was going to be the last thing he ever did.

Rocco:: “We starts now Aprils?”

Miles quickly starts a chant chanting Rocco’s name causing everybody else to quickly join in.

Rocco:: “Shut ups stops it I needs quiets.”

Dex:: “Oh he does seem to be taking the art of pulling a cracker very seriously maybe he will grow up to be a very famous Iron man.”

Miles:: “Good luck Rocco.”

Rocco turns to the computer screen and smiles at a grinning Miles.

Rocco:: “Thanks Piles.”

Miles:: “It’s Miles but never mind.”

Rocco:: “Yes that is whats I says Piles, silly Piles.”

Alf bursts out laughing.

Alf:: “Oh flaming heck Miles.”

Meanwhile Rocco and April are all but ready to go full on for their cracker pulling war. April pulls back gentle while Rocco sits calmly summoning all his strength for a almighty tug. April’s eyes shoot open in great surprise as the impact of Rocco’s strength hits her. Everyone’s eyes grow wider as they watch April as she slides closer and closer to the edge of her chair.

April:: “Oh I didn’t see this coming, Dex take hold of my wrist I’m going to fall off my chair I……”

Everyone jumps including Miles and Sally as the echoes of April’s falling off her chair rings in their ears.

Rocco:: “Yaaaaays I wins.”

Colleen:: “How did the little mite to do that?”

Alf:: “His a flaming Braxton they seem to be able to do anything.”

It is at this point that a worried looking Harvey carries the turkey through from the kitchen. Placing it down on the table he quickly gives Roo a warily look as if to say God I hope nobody chokes on my watch or your ring. He then goes to sit down.

Miles:: “Mmm I could just eat that all up looks so good.”

Alf:: “Eat Your flaming own this is ours.”

Sally:: “Yeah we still have quite abit left Miles. Hey so what did everyone get for Christmas?”

Marilyn:: “Well I got some very sexy very naughty underwear and it seems I have a new pet as well.”

Marilyn holds up the chipmunk for Miles and Sally to see via the computer screen.

Marilyn:: “Cute isn’t he? I think I’m going to call him John, seeing as John Palmer brought me a very sexy present. I didn’t see that coming in my tarot cards.”

Xavier:: “Well Marilyn he didn’t actually buy you that present. The underwear is for my Mom and err John’s coming up here in abit to get them back.”

Marilyn:: “Well he can try to if he wants Xavier but the thing is I’m wearing it I quickly nipped upstairs and tried them on.”

Dex:: “Oh my Xave it looks like John will have abit of a problem here maybe you should warn him.”

Xavier blushes as he quickly sends John a text alerting him to the fact that Marilyn was now wearing the underwear meant for Gina.

Alf who has been chewing on a piece of meat for ages now coughs slightly

Alf:: “Well I had a new set of fishing rods and a sign for my bedroom door saying no galahs allowed.”

Miles:: “Oh what a fitting present for you Alf.”

Sally:: “Now can you guess what Miles had for Christmas?”

Miles points to his very Christmassy looking jumper with a picture of a huge smiling Rudolph on.

Morag:: “Oh I was going to say something about that outrageous looking jumper, but I just thought my glasses were playing tricks with my eyes.”

Miles:: “Yes Sal brought it me and guess what else she brought me?”

Rocco:: “We nos nos Piles whats?”

Miles:: “A rabbit”

Rocco:: “Wooooooooooooooooooooooo I wants one Aprils you buys rabbit now.”

Alf:: “Oh for flaming hell Miles she isn’t real Rabbit is a figment of your flaming imagination strike me roan.”

Miles:: “No not Rabbit I haven’t seen her for quite a while now, although I did think about writing her a Christmas card.”

Sally:: “His joking by the way, no its true Miles really has had a real white fluffy rabbit for Christmas called Thumper.”

Alf:: “Oh I am sorry……My flaming God how flaming tough can this turkey be to flaming chew?”

Harvey:: “Alf maybe you should spit it out maybe…..”

Alf starts to cough quite hard at this point causing Harvey to give him a good hard smack on his back. Everyone stares at the object which shoots out from Alf’s mouth with a look of confusion.

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Thank you Sarah,JoiseTash, and Laura for the awesome comments :D

This next chapter comes with two warnings.

Warning one I'm not sure about having sexual references but its quite steamy in places.

Warning Two You will probably experience cases of uncontrollable fits of laughter while reading, Well I hope so anyway. :lol:

Chapter 6

The crunching sounds from John Palmer’s black polished shoes left footprints in the snow, as he made his way up to the front door of Summer Bay’s house, wearing a rather dishy and by the looks of it a very expensive tuxedo. That he had absolutely no memory of ever having owned, or even having worn before.

Not to mention having any clue what so ever where the money had come from to pay for such a dashing looking tuxedo. John couldn’t be sure but he felt like he was here to what have a date? Surely not after all he had Gina at home waiting for him or at least he thought she was at home. Even though he couldn’t remember having left the house or come to think of it having any idea how he had got here.

But never the less he found himself knocking on the front door, and after a few nerve wrenching moments of silence, his knocking is answered by a faint seducing voice of what only can be described as a voice of a angel, calling to him to enter the house. Knocking the door lightly open John walks into the house only to be met by the most breath taking, heart pounding sight he has ever had the pleasure of seeing in his life. The sight of the rather ditzy blonde bombshell of the beautiful woman dressed in her red laced bra and panties, just makes John want to sprint over to her and swing her round in his arms, and then maybe just have her there and then make love to her on the floor.

John:: “Marilyn WOW, what can I say, But just WOW.”

Marilyn twirls a lock of her blonde hair through her fingers and processes to gently nibble at it.

Marilyn:: “Why hello big boy, I hear you want to take this sexy red laced underwear off me.”

John:: “Oh yes very much so, something tells me Marilyn you have been a very bad girl, and that you have just taken that very, very, very, very…….”

John stops talking as he gazes at Marilyn with his tongue hanging out his mouth like some kind of lovesick puppy. And seeming then to find his train of thought once again John carries on from where he left off.

John:: “Very sexy piece of underwear when they in fact don’t belong to you…”

Marilyn:: “Oh then why don’t you come and get them of me with your teeth.”

John steps forwards a few paces and then forcefully grabs Marilyn and then starts to kiss her passionately and……….


John turns to glance at Gina who is sat next to him in their family car. Jett sits in the back rolling his eyes.

John:: “What, yeah, what sorry what did you say?”

Gina:: “I said are you just going to sit there daydreaming looking as if your far away with the Christmas pixies? I want my present that you got mixed up with Marilyn’s back.”

John:: “Yes I know you do.”

Gina:: “Well go get it then please I’m waiting.”

John:: “Ok, ok Gina Jezz, Jett is she this bossy when she’s being the head teacher at school?”

Jett:: “No she’s a right ogre you have no idea.”

Gina lightly smacks John on the shoulder as he exits the car, while watching him walk up to the door of the house she turns to Jett and glares at him because of the way he had just compared her to a ogre to John.

Meanwhile back in the house everyone had gathered round gazing down at Alf’s plate to see the strange looking object that he than just spat out.

Dex and Rocco were still sat at the table, Rocco was closely expecting a rather large sprout with a look of disgust, while Dex couldn’t move having jammed his wheelchair under the table.

Alf:: “What the flaming hell is it? It looks like some kind of metal and its flaming ticking.”


Morag:: “Why would someone plant a bomb inside a Christmas turkey Colleen honestly.”

Xavier:: “Well I seen this movie once……”

April:: “Xave I don’t think that story will help ease people’s panic here. On a side note I think I’m going to turn vegetarian it just proves the point we just really don’t know what they put into our meat theses days.”

Alf as meanwhile lifted the slightly chewed ticking object off the table with a fork.

Alf:: “It looks like a flaming watch.”

Harvey who has been too scared to say anything since seeing the object fly out of Alf’s mouth quickly speaks up.

Harvey:: “No its never a watch is it? And would you believe it just looks the same as mine ah well what are the chances?”

Harvey quickly grabs the watch from off the fork and starts to fasten it onto his wrist.

Alf:: “What the flaming…….”

Harvey:: “Yes everyone you have just all taken part in Harvey and Roo’s Christmas treasure hunt called where is Harvey’s watch? Well, well done it was indeed stuffed up the turkey.”

Roo:: “Oh by the way has anyone found my ring yet that was also…..”

Dex:: “Yep here it is came close to chipping a tooth on it.”

Harvey looks to his watch which is now back round his wrist.

Harvey:: “Well would you believe its still working? Talk about being heat resistant after being baked for the last three hours.....”

There’s a sudden knock at the door, now while the saga of Harvey’s watch and Roo’s ring has been going on Rocco has jumped down from his chair and locked the front door which has gone unnoticed by everyone.

Morag turns to answer the door to find she has no idea how to open it, seeing as it is normally left open for any Tom Dick or Harry to walk through. Rocco has now gone back to his chair and is shooting the disgusting looking sprouts at Miles and Sally with his sling shot. Upon being shot the sprouts bounce off the monitor and then go on to bounce off Dex’s head.

Dex:: “Oh no stop that Rocco that hurts.”

Miles looks rather annoyed too as he waves a disapproving finger at Rocco.

Miles:: “No Rocco your wasting good food there and I can’t allow that to happen.”

Sally can’t help but laugh having been lost in a fit of the giggles now for ages.

Rocco:: “These are green bogeys Piles no eats.”

Miles:: “Yes eats they are called sprouts they……”

Rocco:: “Nos Piles Rocco no likes.”

Meanwhile back at the front door Morag is still trying to work out how to unlock it. While John stands on the other side of it calling out hello.

Morag:: “Who is it? I’m sorry but I can’t seem to get it to open is it important?”

John:: “Yes its John and its very important I need to see Marilyn.”

Morag:: “Well I’m sorry John but the doors locked and we have no idea how to open it. Seeing as we leave it open normally, Oh and Marilyn is sleeping she had bit too much mulled wine.”

John sighs.

John:: “Ok then thanks anyway.”

John then turns to leave but upon seeing Gina’s face of anger from the car’s window staring back at him. John knows there’s no way he can leave without his sexy Christmas prent to Gina.

John looks back to the house, upon seeing the house again John soon gets the mad idea of maybe climbing the drainpipe up to Marilyn’s bedroom window. Yes you may say it is a very dangerous plan for John to have, but as John grips at the long and thin drainpipe he thinks it is worth facing the danger of getting the underwear back it is either that or go back home and face the wrath of Gina.

Gina and Jett watch from the car with looks of horror as they watch John pull himself up the pipe.

John pants as he comes level with Marilyn’s bedroom window luckily for John though Marilyn hasn’t drawn the curtains, allowing John to see her lay spread out sleep on her bed naked. The red laced underwear lay across a chair within reaching distance of the window. John smiles as he discovers the window is open. He then stenches his arm through the open window trying with all his might to reach across to the chair with the underwear on. Unknown to John though Marilyn has awoken and is staggering naked in a semi drunken state over to the window.


John who has managed to grab hold of the red laced bra and panties screams as he feels a someone give him a hard punch, falling backwards from the impact John loses his hold of the pipe and starts to fall.

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Chapter 7

When John Palmer first came up with the idea of buying his beloved Gina some sexy lingerie for Christmas, he would of swore blindly that he was no expert when it came to choosing women’s underwear. But never the less his choice had turned out to be prefect in more ways than one. Not only unknown to him though if he had gave the underwear to Gina and not Marilyn as a present, he would of found himself to have gotten very luck with Summer Bays high school head teacher. But because of the most outrageous present mix up in Christmas history. John was now finding himself to be falling backwards out of Marilyn Chambers bedroom window as she screamed blue murder at him.

He was holding the red laced bra and panties high into the sky above his head as gravity starts to pull him down to the snowy ground below.

The Bra and panties John had so happened to choose were made of some very strong and firm material, which so happened to be rather stretchy, Which allows it to grow very long in length before it even comes close to ripping.

Given that fact as well as the swinging low Christmas lights that sway in the now dusky Christmas night’s air from the front of the house John’s fall soon comes to an abrupt stand still. As the high held bra and panties tangle themselves very neatly around some of those low hanging Christmas lights.

For a split second Gina and Jett can now let out a few huge sighs of relief, as the fear of John pluming down to the ground has now seemed to have replaced itself with John hanging holding on with all his might, to those handy, very stretchy, very sexy looking bra and panties. As John sways back and fourth outside Marilyns window

Gina quickly dashes round to the front of the car with Jett who is gaping wide eyed up at a swinging John.


John looks down at her from his great height while he swings holding onto the underwear which has ended up being his very own Christmas miracle.

John:: “Yes I will be right down Gina my darling. Just give me a few minutes to hang out here first.”

Gina:: “John there’s no need to be so sarcastic.”

Jett:: “Wow this is so cool I’m going to take some pictures for my Facebook page, and then I’m going to label the pics the swing bra man.”

Gina sighs as Jett starts to take pictures of John.

John:: “Hey look on the bright side Gina I got your present back.”

Gina:: “Yes the only thing is they will all be stretched out of shape by the time I come to wear them.”

Meanwhile the joys of Christmas dinner have started to die down inside the house as everyone sits round the table feeling well and truly stuffed.

Morag:: “Anyone for anymore turkey?”

Alf:: “Oh no thank you Morag I’m flaming stuffed. I couldn’t eat another thing strike me roan.”

Roo:: “Oh no dad does this mean your too full for some of Leah and Irene’s giant Christmas pudding?”

Colleen:: “Oh they will be disappointed Alf if you don’t have any.”

Alf:: “When you say it’s a giant Christmas pudding how flaming big is it?”

Miles:: “It’s a shame I’m all the way over in Thailand I would gladly come and help you out eating it.”

Sally:: “We will stick to our normal size one Miles shall we? We don’t want to go over eating, well I don’t I’m on a diet. why has Irene and Leah made a giant Christmas pudding?”

Dex:: “They entered a Christmas cooking contest with other diners to cook the largest Christmas pud. I wrote about it on my blog and made some posters for them I have even been helping them out with cooking it”

Xavier:: “How come I didn’t know about this?”

April:: “I didn’t either.”

Dex:: “You should know I have been talking about for ages.”

Xavier:: “Oh sorry dude must of zoned out on you there.”

April:: “Oh so that is why you have been talking about different sizes while you and I have been trying to you know what in the bedroom, and here I thought you were worried about not being able to………..”

Dex:: “Yes April errrrrrrrrr yeah April I was trying to tell you about the size of our pudding not the size of my…………. Errrrr well yeah never mind.”

April:: “Oh I see”

Dex:: “Yes”

Xavier:: “Oh sexy”

Harvey who has thought he had heard Marilyn scream from upstairs a few minutes ago turns to Morag.

Harvey:: “I know that we are discussing Christmas puds here but did anyone else hear Marilyn screaming a few minutes ago?”

Alf:: “It was probably because of John biting her.”

Xavier:: “John? Oh no Mom wont like that.”

Alf:: “Not big John I mean her chipmunk John.”

Xavier:: “Phew, yes I remember her taking him up to bed with her now.”

Alf looks quickly down to his watch.

Alf:: “Oh come flaming on everyone its time for the Alf Stewart Christmas lights switch on experience.”

Rocco:: “Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I is excited.”

Upon winning the giant Christmas pudding contest Leah and Irene help each other pull it along with the aid of two sedges as they make their way over to the caravan park so they could enjoy it in all of its Christmassy glory.

Morag:: “Alfred we need to clear the table before you go switch your grand Christmas light display on.”

Alf turns back from the door and sighs as little Rocco tugs on his hand to go outside.

Xavier:: “Ah don’t worry I will do it Dex just back your chair up abit.”

Dex having forgotten his wheelchair is jammed beneath the table tries to whiz away in great excitement in seeing Alf’s grand Christmas lights switch on that he doesn’t realise that a corner of the table is caught up in one of wheels.

Xavier:: “I will just grab hold of these plates and……………”

Morag:: “Errrrrrr”

Xavier:: “Hmmmmm where has the table cloth gone?”

Dexter gazes at the still laid table minus the tablecloth.

Dex:: “Wow that was a really good trick don’t you think?”

Rocco:: “Wooooooooooooo looks Mr Galahs.”

Alf turns shocked to look at the small boy taking in what he had just called him and then looks back to the unbroken glasses and plates still sat on the table.

Rocco:: “Dexy dos magic trick whips cloths aways and no breaks nothings Mr Galahs.”

Alf nods as he leads the small boy out and round to the front of the house.

Rocco:: “Wooooooooo Tarzans swinging from yours house Mr Galahs.”

Alf looks up to see John swaying from a couple of Christmas lights and what looks to be a pair of panties and a bra.

Alf:: “Strike me Roan I……………”

John:: “Merry Christmas everyone.”

John smiles down at them all.

Xavier:: “John what are you doing up there?”

John:: “Oh you know just hanging about in the nights fresh air.”

Morag:: “Alfred I think you should go rescue him that looks strong but it wont last forever.”

Colleen:: “Wooooooooooooooooo wait until I ask Dexter how to use that twitter. I’m so going to tweet Madge Wilkins she’s just text me saying she has had a laptop for Christmas and she’s joined twitter.”

April:: “She texted you have you even got a phone?”

Colleen:: “Oh yes but I use it as a doorstop for my door on my mobile home mostly”

Morag nudges Alf in his side as he stares up at John.

Morag:: “Alfred tell me what you need.”

Alf:: “What do you mean?”

Morag:: “Will it be your yellow jacket or your orange jacket for this rescue mission?”

Alf:: “Oh Strike me handsome forget the jackets Morag get me the flaming ladder.”

With everyone now gathered round the front of the house Miles and Sally sit staring out at a wall with the computer monitor having being knocked round to face it.

Miles:: “Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo has everyone gone?”

Alf is now stood at the top of his ladder and is reaching a arm out for John to take hold of him. Meanwhile back down below Irene and Leah has arrived with the giant Christmas pud.

Irene:: “Oh my goodness darl what’s going on here?”

Roo:: “Dad is rescuing John.”

Leah:: “Why?”

Harvey:: “He tried to sneak into Marilyn’s room I think.”

Leah:: “What why?”

Xavier:: “Best you don’t ask.”

Marilyn who is still very drunk from her numerous glasses of mulled wine flings John the chipmunk out at her intruder.

John the chipmunk instantly stats to chew through the silky material of the bra and panties.

John:: “Oh heck don’t do that little fella.”


John manages to perform an almighty swing backwards from the window. It turned out to be so huge he managed to get his feet to touch on the opposite side of the house.


Alf’s eyes open wide with fear as he catches a quick glimpse at the speed John is travelling through the air. In his mind there was no doubt that John was about to go sailing right into the side of his ladder.

Irene:: “Alf darl watch out.”

Alf:: “Flaming heck John……………”

John smacks into Alf which sends them both hurling down to the ground.

Roo:: “Oh no quick someone do something.”

Without thinking Dex quickly turns his electric wheelchair up to its maximum speed and bombs towards Irene and Leah’s Christmas pudding. Upon impact with the pudding the force of the wheelchair sends the pudding whizzing off its two sedges and zooming across the ground, so it ends directly beneath Alf and John breaking their fall.

Everybody takes cover as the two men splash face first into the Christmas pudding. Stunned silence is all that follows as everyone stands in shock as they all get sprayed from head to toe in Christmas pudding.

After managing to craw out of the pudding Alf looks out at all his friends.

Alf:: “Well Flaming Merry Christmas everybody.”

Rocco:: “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay I’s has loves this Christmas It’s the bests yets.”

The End

So that was the last chapter I would like to thank Red,Sarah,Zetti,JoiseTash and Laura for all your comments on this fic. It has been good fun to see that you guys have enjoyed this very silly Christmas story from me :D :D

And all I have left to say is I hope you guys have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!!

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