Jump to content

Stone the Crows it's Christmas

Guest pembie

Recommended Posts

Story Title: Stone the Crows it's Christmas

Type of story: Short/Medium fic

Main Characters: Old and present cast of characters

BTTB rating: A to be safe

Genre: Comedy fantasy

Does story include spoilers: No

Any warnings: This story will be very wacky and insane :lol: Sexual content (SC)

Summary: Joseph and Mary and their two children swap their Christmas Holiday in Lapland for the Chistmas Captail of Summer Bay.

But Christmas is at the risk of dying out can it be saved?

Hope you all like this

Chapter 1

It is said that everybody dreams of having a white Christmas.If the large falling snowflakes were anything go on. Mary would of said this was the start of her family’s umaite Christmas vacation, that only dreams were made of. Only in Mary’s dream she hadn’t pictured that she felt like she was close to getting frost bite or having an annoying over the top excited husband sat next to her, who was singing jingle bells at the top of his voice. Mary also left out two impatient children sitting behind them, their son James asking if they were there every thirty seconds as they drove to Lapland, yes that’s right they were driving to Lapland.

Joseph, “Come on everyone let’s sing it from the top again. Dashing through the snow on one horse open sleigh.”

Mary, “Yes dear if only we were it might bring some warmth back into my body.”

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Joseph, “Never fear my little honey bunny if it is heat you want it is heat you will have.”

Joseph flicks the car heater on.

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Joseph, “Ah there that’s better we will soon be as warm as a bug in a rug.”

Mary, “Not likely”

Joseph sighs.

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Joseph, “Oh Mary we have been through this already I can’t see what the problem is.”

Mary looks over to him with raised eyebrows.

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Mary, “You cant?”

Joseph, “No I mean you have your woolly hat on, your extra warm gloves not to mention you extra thick scarf and plus we are driving through a glorious winters wonderland.”

Mary, “How nice”

Mary tries to fold her arms but finds herself too cold to move.

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Joseph, “You have always said this is the way you dreamed your prefect Christmas to be, snow upon the ground. While we make our way to have a family holiday in Lapland, and now you are complaining. When I make your dream Christmas a reality honestly sometimes I just don’t understand women.”

Mary, Oh I am so sorry my loving caring miracle worker of a husband. I love you so much for bringing my dream Christmas true.”

Joseph, “I should think so too now come on kids who’s for another sing along?”

James, “Are we nearly there?”

There are the sounds of frustrated grumbles from the back seat.

Mary, “Your right dear what could I be possibly be complaining about? Oh yes is it the fact that we were driving through this glorious winter land as you so put it in a God dam open top car? Why soon we will look like a family of snowmen.”

Joseph, “I’m sorry this is the only car they could give me at the rental place due to our unfortunate little accident.”

Mary, “Oh you mean the little accident when you chopped that oak tree down and it landed on our car?”

Joseph, “Well I need the wood it’s my main tool of my trade, what with me being a carpenter and all.”

James, “Daddy’s a good carpenter his teaching me to be one.”

Mary, “Oh no I already have a house fill of unfinished or broken furniture which your daddy has made.”

Joseph, “Ok dear I will let you have that one seeing as your tired and cold. Hey there is a sign up ahead how about we stop here for the night?”

Mary reads the sign.

Mary, “Welcome to Summer Bay oh yes lets stay here. I have read that the rockstar Liam Murphy lives here. Oh Joseph imagine if I met him.”

Joseph sighs feeling slightly worried at hearing the mention of Liam Murphy’s name, seeing as he had used one of his CD’S to scrap the frost off the cars windscreen this morning before setting out.

Mary, “Oh Joseph you know how much I love him.”

Joseph, “Well someone has too I guess.”

Mary, “Oh yes I just love the way his music speaks to me.”

Joseph, “Believe me my angel it speaks to me too. It says turn this **** off…..”


James, “Ha, ha Daddy you made Jo giggle.”

Jo looks at her brother giggling.

Jo “Dada, Dada said naughty word.”

James nods giggling.

Joseph, ok you two quieten down.”

Mary, “Oh come on Joseph don’t go all jealous. You’re the man of my dreams really between having a carpenter or a famous rock star for a husband I would choose the rock star every time.”

Joseph’s body tensed making him press his foot down.

Joseph, “WHAT?”

Mary, “Oh no I mean I would choose a carpenter every time. JOESPH WILL YOU SLOW DOWN?”

Joseph, “Oh I’m sorry I thought I would drive like a rockstar for awhile.”

Mary laughs.

Mary, “Oh no dear you could never be a rockstar. You can’t even put one of your own homemade so called stable shelves up without it collapsing.”

Joseph grips tightly to his steering wheel staring at the road ahead.

James, “Don’t worry Mummy I will be a better carpenter than Daddy.”

Mary, “Your no miracle worker James”

James, “I built the Star Wars Lego Deathstar.”

Mary, “Oh hear that Joe? Our son thinks he will be able to work miracles I’m sorry to say the genes in this family are not in the talent of carpentry.”

Joseph grunts.

Mary, “Oh this is so exciting. I tell you now if Liam Murphy ever kissed my face or hand I don’t think I would be able to wash again.”

Joseph, “Jesus wept woman would you stop waffling about Liam talentless Murphy?”

Mary, “His my Idol.”

Joseph sighs his anger is replaced by relief when he spots the sign for Summer Bay’s caravan park.

Jo starts to cry in the back seat.

James, “Daddy this looks boring I want to go to Lapland.”

Jo, “I want to see Father Christmas.”

Joseph, “Don’t worry kids we will only stay here for one night.”

The family make their way up to the front door of Summer Bay house. Joseph knocks on the front door. After what seemed like forever Joseph having trouble holding his shivering wife up straight he decides to knock the door again.

The family watch with baited breath as the door opens a faction. A eye peers out through the slight gap the family peer back slightly confused.

Elijah, “Yes?”

Joseph, “Yes hello there I was just wondering……”

Elijah, “Let me stop you there.”

Joseph, “Ok?”

Elijah, “Are you human?”

Joseph, “Excuse me?”

Elijah, “Are you by any chance one of those evil trolls trying to trick me.?”

Mary, “Er dear lets go this man seems loopy.”

Elijah, “No madam I’m just a man who has stood in the presence of evil but luckily I still have faith in our good Lord.”

Joseph, “How nice anyway my name is Joseph and I was just wondering if you have a bed for the night as my poor wife Mary here is frozen to the bone.”

The front door is suddenly fling open. Elijah bows down low.

Elijah, “This truly is the sign I have been waiting for. After all the days and nights I have prayed and finally the time is upon me but oh my days I never thought I would get my Christmas wish of meeting you.”

Elijah still in his bowing position grabs hold of Joseph’s and Mary’s hands.

Joseph and Mary exchange odd looks while James and Jo hide behind their parents.

Joseph, “So have you got a van we could have?”

Elijah, “Oh my I must look like a right fruitcake let me stand up and introduce myself.”

Elijah stands and holds his hand out grinning.

Elijah, “I’m Reverend Elijah Johnson.”

Joseph, “Hello Elijah now about this van.”

Elijah, “Oh yes well I guess I can help you out being as I am the proud owner of this fine caravan park I guess you could call me the innkeeper of sorts.”

Elijah waits for the cued laughter but is only meet with confused expressions.

Elijah looks towards James.

Elijah, “Well yes well now can I take you name young man so I can make a log, we don’t want any nasty trolls kidnapping you and taking you back to their swamp now do we? In fact could I take your sister’s name too?”

James and Jo look nervously up at their parents.

Elijah, “I bet I could guess your name young man. I am surprised you have a sister through, there is no where in the bribe where it says you do.”

James, “Go on guess”

Elijah, “Ok is you name Jesus?”

James, “No”

Elijah, “Are you sure you aren’t teasing me because your parents are called Mary and Joseph after all.”

James, “No my name is James.”

Elijah, “Oh I see”

Elijah’s voice is fill with disappointment after convincing himself he had witnessed the second coming of Jesus.

Jo, “I’m Jo”

Elijah, “Nice to meet you”

Elijah sighs burying his face in the pages of the caravan booking book.

Elijah, “Ah let me see no sorry don’t have any free room all the vans are booked out.”

Mary, “By who?”

Elijah, “The Christmas Elves you don’t expect them to live in their normal houses at this time of year do you?”

James, “Christmas elves live in Lapland or the North Pole silly.”

Elijah, “My boy those places are myth their cover. This is where it all happens.”

Joseph, “You expect us to believe a place called Summer Bay is where Santa and his elves live?. A place with beaches where everyone surfs”

Elijah, “Yeah that’s what makes it the prefect cover. Now come to think of it why in God’s name have I just told you that? And how oh earth did you break through the magical barrier? This place is shut to the pubic in the Christmas period. Oh no Martha that witch come on we must go and tell her ladyship.”

Mary, “We?”

Elijah, “Yes you must come I have told you too much. If you got through the barrier that means you can drive out and expose us.”

Elijah grabs hold of Mary and Joseph and dashes out of the house. James and Jo run after them.

Elijah, “Welcome to Angelo’s the finest pizza restaurant slash cover for Santa’s grotto.”

Morag, “Elijah what are you doing? You can’t just go blurting that out. Especially to…….oh my tourists how on earth did they get through Bianca’s spell binding barrier?”

Elijah, “It seems the River Trolls are gathering all people on Santa’s naughty list to help them ruin Christmas.”

Morag, “Oh those pesky tattooed troublemakers. How come they always try and ruin Christmas?”

The family can only stand and watch as this very odd chat continues.

Elijah, “I would think it is because they want to build upon their evil little gang your ladyship.”

Morag, “Well there is only one person I know of who could even come close to destroying our witch Bianca’s power and that would be Martha.”

Morag steps away from Elijah and claps her hands loudly causing everyone to turn their heads.

Morag, “Everybody the River Trolls are once again planning their attack on Christmas. These four new tourists you see before you came through the barrier. I’m sorry Bianca as much as a good witch you are I’m afraid the River Trolls have a witch on their side aswell now.”

Bianca, “Who could possibility beat my skills at witchcraft through?”

Morag, “Martha”

Angelo, “Oh no as in the Martha I helped escape with Hugo the Goblin?”

Morag, “Yes”

Angelo, “Oh no this is all my fault. I swear she did a mind trick on me to help her escape it must have been revenge for Jack or something.”

Morag, “Oh do stop babbling Angelo.”

Angelo, “Yes your ladyship.”

Mary, “I’m sorry what is going on here and what is this place?”

Morag, “Well I wouldn’t normally say but Mary your standing in the headquarters of Santa’s Grotto.”

James, “Wow really?”

Mary, “Oh now do come on hang how did you know my name?”

Morag, “Well your on Santa’s list and don’t you worry the greatest hits of Liam Murphy is in the progress of packing.”

Liam stands up from a nearby table and raises his glass to Mary.

Liam, “Cheers for that I just don’t know why the record companies keep on dropping me.”

Mary, “Oh my look Joseph dear its Liam Murphy I have to get his autograph.”

Joesph sighs shaking his head.

Joseph, “Excuse me your Ladyship?”

Morag, “Joseph you can just call me Morag.”

Joseph, “Morag?”

Morag, “Yes?”

Joseph, “I’m sorry its just I’m having a hard time believing Santa would live in a place called Summer Bay.”

Morag, “Fine would you like some proof?”

Joseph rolls his eyes.

Joseph, “Oh this will be good.”

Morag speaks into a little pocket radio.

Morag, “I just have to tune this in.”

Joseph, “What radio station are you looking for?”

Morag, “Why fairy radio of course.”

Joseph, “Oh my this place this fill of fruit loops. I had that mad man over there think I was the Dad to Jesus

Morag, “Oh don’t mind Elijah there his always been a tad nutty when it comes to God ah yes got it I just hope fairy Sally Fletcher is listening.”

Joseph, “Great and now you are going to have a chat with a Christmas fairy.”

Morag, “Well I have to set the elves to work now there’s no time to lose not with the River Trolls and Martha and Hugo the Goblin threatening to ruin Christmas.”

Joseph, “Ah trolls”

Morag, “Do not mock they out number us they just keep multiplying.”

Mary, “Where do they live?”

Morag, “Mangrove Swamp of course.”

Morag then speaks into her radio.

Morag, “Ah is that you Sally? Will you come and sprinkle some fairy dust on my elves please? They are a bit big to work at the moment.”

Just then there is a giant whoosh as the room is covered in fairly dust Joseph, Mary James and Jo gazed round the room.

Mary where is everybody and what happened to the restaunt

Morag stands to attention as a line of elves line up in front of her.

Morag, “Well James and Jo don’t be shy come and say hello to Santa’s elves.”

James and Jo ran forwards the first two Elves stepped forward to greet them.

Dex/April, “Hey we are Dex and April.”

Morag, “They are kind of a double act can get quite annoying they have this habit of finishing each others sentences.”

Dex, “Its”

April, “Very”

Dex, “Nice”

April, “To”

Dex, “Meet”

April, “You”

The next Elf steps forward.

Nicole, “Hi”

Morag, “This is Nicole she’s into fashion its her job to decide what colour outfits all the elves wear and indeed Santa himself.”

Nicole, “Yes indeed I think we will go for the red and green colour scheme this year for us elves and a reforced padding Santa suit for Santa.”

Morag, “Sounds good”

The next Elf steps forward.

Sid, “Hey”

Morag, “This is Sid he is very good at first aid. He deals with all the injures we encounter when making all the toys.”

The next Elf steps forward.

Ruby, “Hey”

Morag, “This is Ruby she likes a good flirt and too get the other Elves to do her work for her.”

Mary is shocked when she spots her faviorte rockstar in a tiny Elf suit.

Mary, “Liam you’re a elf?”

Liam, “Yep here come to my rocking round the Christmas tree concert.”

Mary looks stunned at the little tickets.

Morag laughs.

Morag, “This is the famous Liam Murphy. He is the entertainer when the rest of the elves feel down and tired, Liam and his band the Christmas crackers perform to give the elves a extra boost.”

Joseph laughs.

The doors are flung open all of a sudden.

Angelo and Charlie rush inside holding shotguns and dressed in his swat uniforms.

Angelo, “Your ladyship I have just been to get our head of security Charlie to help us guard the place against the River Trolls.”

Charlie, “Don’t worry you can trust me. I swear to stop those pesky River Tolls no matter what.”

Morag, “Very good I will get our defences between us and Mango Swamp sorted. I will also send Casey our spy into their swamp he used to be a River Toll so he will easily blend in.”

Elijah, “Your Ladyship Joseph and Mary seem to have fainted.”

Morag, “Fine take them to Castle Sands. I’m sure our good king and Queen will make them feel at home.”

Dex, “The Queen is my sister”

Morag, Yes Dex as we know you tell us everyday. Elijah can you take them there now?”

Elijah, “Yes my Lady ship what about the children?”

Morag, “They can stay here.”

James/Jo “YAY”

Morag, “I just hope my brother remembers its Christmas”

Everyone laughs.

Charlie, “I hope so he is Santa.”

Morag, “Well yes it just takes him a while to get into the Christmas spirit.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks to Danni02,JoiseTash,Sarah,RR1,Zetti and Carina for thhe wicked Comments

Note Alf and Colleen aren't related in this fic. :D and with that let the madness continue :lol:

Hope you like this.

Chapter 2

Colleen Smart shuffled down her small path, leading up towards their heart warming little cottage as fast as her feet would allow. She gripped tightly to her overflowing shopping bags stuffed fill of turkey ,mince pies and not to mention a bag fill with large bottles of sherry. It was at this moment in time she wished he was here to help her, but the loud snoring coming from their open window of their bedroom, told her he was otherwise engaged.

Colleen took a deep breath and held it in as she struggled to fit through the narrow door of her cottage. For a second she thought she would get stuck with the bulging big overflowing bags pressing themselves against her face, as she tried to wedge herself through the narrow doorway. But to her great relief there was a loud popping sound as the overflowing came un wedged causing her to nearly fall through the door. She quickly composed herself getting back her balance.

She waddled her way to her kitchen with a huge sigh she loosen her grasp on what felt like big sacks of turkey meat, letting them fall to her kitchen table. Stretching her back muscles Colleen quickly went about making her husband a sandwich. It was time to go and wake him up. He had a lot of responsibility’s to see to, like going for a suit fitting before his big night. Rumour had it one of his Elves the one mad about fashion had included extra padding this year, so he wouldn’t get such a bruised bottom falling down countless chimneys this year.

Colleen had adapted to her role as Mrs Claus over the years. She had to see to it her husband was jolly. But as the years went by he had became less jolly as less and less children believed in him. Colleen placed the sandwich under his nose so the smell of it would waft up his nostrils waking him up.

Santa AKA Alf, “Huh what oh no I was having such an nice sleep.”

Colleen, “Come on Santa my big huggable teddy bear.”

Santa, “Oh flaming hell there’s that awful forsaken smell again.”

Colleen, “Oi how rude ,oh you mean this delicious tasting turkey sandwich?”

Santa, “Yes I do not want flaming turkey woman you make me have it every flaming day.”

Colleen, “That’s because it is Christmas my honey bunny. It’s the traditional thing to eat especially for you Santa.”

Santa, “Do not call me that, call me Alf.”

Colleen, “Well that isn’t very festival now is it? Considering you’re the jolly fat man who makes children from all over very happy every year.”

Santa, “Well I can’t be bothered with it all this year.”

Colleen, “Oh you can be a right grumpy pooes sometimes Santa.”

Santa, “Well I have just woken up to find you shoving a flaming turkey sandwich in my face. I would much prefer bacon and sausage, and no I don’t mean pigs in blankets before you say. Yes bacon, sausage and fried egg now that’s my ideal breakfast in bed in the mornings.”

Colleen, “Oh no its not morning its like 3 0 clock in the afternoon. It’s nearly time for you to go to your suit fitting.”

Santa, “Why I have another month to go yet before….”

Colleen, “Oh no you haven’t”

Santa, “Oh yes I flaming have.”

Colleen, “Oh no you haven’t”

Santa, “Oh yes I flaming have”

Colleen, “Oh no you hav…..”

Santa, “Ok stop what do you think this is flaming panto season or something? I’m pretty sure it’s not with it being November.”

Colleen, “Santa baby”

Santa, “Oh I do hate that song.”

Colleen, “No dear its Christmas eve tomorrow.”

Santa, “Tomorrow?”

Colleen, “Yes it seems you have been in a deep sleep for about a month.”

Santa, “Flaming hell why didn’t you wake me woman?”

Colleen, “You do this every year your body shuts down must be because it’s charging your batteries for the Christmas period or something.”

Santa, “But just think of all that fishing I have missed out on. Now give me that bloody sandwich I need to get going.”

Colleen, “Here how about some sherry to help wash that sandwich down?”

Santa, “Oh no not sherry how about a beer?”

Colleen, “No your on the Santa diet now its either sherry or milk and cookies.”


Colleen, “For afters you can have a candy kane or a mince pie or Christmas pudding which one do you fancy?”

Santa, “None”

Colleen, “Alf”

Alf’s face grimaces up as the sweet taste of the sherry hits him.

Santa, “That stuff is vile cant I just skip pudding?”

Colleen, “No Alf you’re in the Santa training program now.

Santa, “Oh what the hell I’ll go for a candy kane with any luck my teeth will all fall out and I won’t have to have another one ever again.”

Colleen, Ok my sweet pea, anyway dear there’s no need to rush you couldn’t go anywhere even if you wanted too.”

Santa, “I can I have the sleigh what are you on about?”

Colleen, “Ah well no you don’t you see its not working. Your grandson Ric is coming round to fix it.”

Santa, “You mean its broken how did that happen?”

Colleen, “I let Madge Wilkins borrow it and she flew it into a tree.”

Santa, “Oh dear God woman you do know you need a reindeer license to fly it? It doesn’t fly right with no reindeers.”

“Good Morning my good people of Summer Bay. It is so nice to see all of you out on such a snowy Morning. Today is my firth day of being your king and I must say it is so God dam cool.

The king grins out over to top of his castle tower.

Queen Sasha, “Oh yeah that’s so what a king would say.”

King Xavier, “Shut up Sasha.”

Queen Sasha, “Stop posing get back to addressing our people will you?”

King Xavier, “I can’t I have lost my trail of thought because of you.”

Queen Sasha, “Oh you are such a dork.”

King Xavier, “Taking of dorks here comes Elijah. Lower the draw bridge my badass wicked knights.”

Elijah runs onto the lowered draw bridge pulling Joseph and Mary behind him.

Elijah, “Oh King Xavier, Queen Sasha, can I just say your filling King John and Queen Gina’s shoes with great honour. I was sadden to hear what happened to them.”

King Xavier, “Dude you make it sound like they have died.”

Elijah, “Well haven’t they?”

King Xavier, “No way they got themselves turned into couple of toads, and seeing as the Castle Sands cant be ran by toads, they asked if me and Sasha would take over from them.”

Queen Sasha, “Yes I am a fine Queen but Xavier here is one lousy king.”

Elijah, “Are you two dating then? Seeing as you are King and Queen.”

Queen Sasha, “Yes but only because I cant find anyone else at the moment and also for the good kingdom.”

King Xavier, “Oh thanks, Elijah sometimes it feels like I’m babysitting her she acts fifteen months not fifteen years old.”

Elijah, “Well it is good to see you getting on with each other. Anyhow this is Joseph and this is Mary.”

Joseph, “Hello”

King Xavier, “Hello to you both. Quick my pain in the butt Queen to the banquet hall, we have guests we will feast upon milkshakes, chocolate mud cake and OJ’s.”

Queen Sasha, “Your such a pig.”

Meanwhile in the dark smelly dank slimly darkness of Mangrove swamp River Trolls Brax and Heath sit plotting.

Brax, “Are you sure she has the power to see into the future?”

Heath, “How many times? Yes”

Brax, “Ok calm down but tell me again how do you know?”

Heath, “She told me I was going to cry like a baby and I was like no way.”

Brax, “But you did?”

Heath, “Yep I balled my eyes out getting a tattoo done right after I went to see her.”

Brax, “Oh you big baby.”

Heath, “Hey there’s lasers and crazy stuff in those tattoo parlours.”

Brax, “Yes Heath I do know I have some.”

Heath, “What lasers? Cool we could laser Santa to death.”

Brax, “No you idiot I have tattoos. Anyway what is the name of this fortune teller?”

Heath, “Marilyn Chambers she did a card reading before I kidnapped her.”

Brax, “hmm?”

Heath, “She got the lovers card and the death card.”

Brax, “Interesting the death card must signal the death of Christmas.”

The two River Trolls burst into mad laughter.

Brax finishes his laughter ten minutes before Heath.

Brax glares at him.

Brax, “Heath?”

Heath, “Yes?”

Brax, “Shut up.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Sarah,RR1 and JoiseTash for the feedback

Hope you all enjoy this next chapter.

Chapter 3

Security guards Miss Charlie Buckton and Angelo sat leaning against the double doors of Santa’s grotto having been told they had to guard it from the outside. As the magic of the toy making that the happy little elves were doing was to be kept top secret. Charlie and Angelo couldn’t even of caught a glimpse of the goings on in there as the glass panels on the double doors were blacked out.

Angelo sighs.

Angelo, “Right your turn.”

Charlie moved into a couching position and with a look of complete concentration on her face. She pressed down hard with her squidger. She then watched as the little wink was flipped high into the air eventfully landing in the small pot.

Charlie “YES I WON.”

Angelo, “Naa you cheated.”

Charlie, “How could someone cheat at a game of tiddlywinks Angelo?.

Angelo, “You kept fluttering your eyelashes at me distracting me.”

Charlie, “Well I thought the semi tiddlywinks champion as you claim to be wouldn’t get distracted.”

Angelo, “Hey don’t mock me. I have won metals in high ranking tiddlywinks contests in the past, While my Mom and Dad run restaurant which didn’t interest me in the slightest. I found my talent lay with tiddlywinks.”

Charlie laughs.

Charlie oh Angelo you are taking the fact you just lost at tiddlywinks very seriously

Angelo it is serious that is the first game I have lost in five years

Charlie, Do you want to play again?”

Angelo, “No I’m bored with it.”

Charlie, “Don’t be such a sore loser.”

Angelo, “I’m not a loser I won because you cheated.”

Charlie laughs again as she looks at a vey grumpy looking Angelo.

Ric Dalby was taken back slightly as he walked up the small path towards his Granddads cottage. How on earth had he managed to damage his sleigh that badly? Ric thought shaking his head as he rung the doorbell. As Ric waited he could hear the sound of his Granddads booming voice moving towards the door. A few seconds later the door was flung open.

Santa, “What a flaming stupid question woman.”

Colleen, “Well I was only asking don’t you remember last year with those awful River Trolls causing trouble? What if they come back this year to try and ruin Christmas? I just don’t want to be home alone that long.”

Santa, “Well I’m not flaming taking you with me, your be telling me how to drive my own sleigh and panic when I fly at a speed higher than five miles a hour.”

Alf suddenly remembers he is stood with the front door open, he turns to greet his guest.

Ric, “Hello Granddad”

Santa, “Strike me Roan hello Ric.”

Colleen, “Plus I wont be able to sleep not knowing when you will be back home.”

Santa, “Oh for pity sake woman, what is with you and your silly questions?.”

Ric, What does she want to know Granddad?”

Santa, “She would like to know how long I will be out for on Christmas Eve do you believe it?”

Colleen, “Oh fine don’t tell me then, just let me worry.”

Alf sighs.

Santa, “Colleen do you really not know the answer?”

Colleen, “No”

Santa, “Ok I will be out for the whole night Christmas Eve.”

Colleen, “WHAT ALL NIGHT what are you having an affair or something?”

Alf slaps his own forehead as he was turned speechless.

Colleen, “Well are you?”

Santa, “NO OF COURSE NOT It’s just I have one whole night to deliver all the presents.”

Colleen, “Well that is totally stupid and totally unrealistic. Who on earth came up with that idea?”

Santa, “I don’t flaming know some great galah I don’t make the rules.”

Colleen, “Well in that case I will have to make something for you to take with you.”

Santa, “Hmm how about a big fat juicy sausage or burger done on the barber?”

Colleen, “No you can have one of my casseroles.”

Santa, “Ok how about a beef casserole?”

Colleen, “Alf now come you know what it will be.”

Santa, “Turkey?”

Colleen nods.


With that Alf grabs hold of Ric and they begin to walk towards the sleigh.

Colleen, “I will leave you two boys to it then.”

After some time of waiting for a response which never came Colleen went back into the little cottage.

Ric, “Well Granddad what happened here? How did you wrap your sleigh round this tree had you been on the sherry?”

Santa, “God no I hate that bloody stuff.”

Ric, “Well Granddad I think you will have a small problem there, seeing that is what all the children will leave out for you to drink.”

Santa, “I know I will think of a plan to somehow avoid it somehow. Anyway what treats have you got in your trusted little toolbox?”

Ric, “Oh just a couple of things to make your sleigh well mint.”

Alf grins with excitement glistening in his eyes.

King Xavier and Queen Sasha sit at one end of their long wooden banquet table while Joseph and Mary sat at the other end. Elijah sits with his head down muttering grace to himself. King Xavier raises his fog horn the sound of his booming voice makes everybody jump.


Joseph, “I sure am have you got any beer?”

Mary, “JOSEPH”

Joseph, “What? Its not as I am driving anywhere tonight is it?”

King Xavier raises the fog horn again to speak.


Joseph, “But surely King John has some?”

King Xavier, “YES HE HAS”


King Xavier turns to face Queen Sasha and shouts through his fog horn at her not realising how close he is.

King Xavier, “DON’T TELL PLEASE.”

Queen Sasha picks herself up off the floor having fell off her chair caused by the volume of King Xavier’s voice.

Mary, “May I ask where King John and Queen Gina are? Didn’t you say they had been turned into toads?”


The kitchen wench goes about placing the big feast in the middle of the table.


Kitchen Wench, “Er ok its Leah.”

Elijah, “Why hello you can come and scrub my kitchen worktops down anytime.”

Kitchen wench Leah blushes.

Kitchen wench Leah, “I say your not shy are you?”

Elijah, “Well if our good lord meant us to be shy we wouldn’t have been born with the ability to be able to talk.”

Kitchen wrench Leah, “I finish my shrift at 12am when our good king and queen are tucked up in bed come and find me then.”

Elijah, “Ok then I can’t wait”

Kitchen wrench Leah runs back to the kitchen blushing and giggling.

After about half an hour of endless eating of chocolate mud cake and burgers. King Xavier orders everyone to have a food fight. The food fight comes to a end when the bell from the bell tower chimes signalling after dinner entertain was about to begin.

King Xavier, “Oh cool let the entertainment start”

Queen Sasha, “Knowing you Xavier you would of ordered some stripers to come just to make me jealous.”

Knight Kim walks proudly up to the King and Queen.

Knight Kim, “I Knight Kim have searched the long and sandy beaches of Summer Bay to bring you my king and queen the best entertainment Summer Bay has to offer.”

Joseph, “Kim what sort of name is that for a Knight?”

Knight Kim, “It is only a name young sir”

Joseph, “it’s a bit girly through isn’t it?”

Mary, “Joseph don’t be so rude honestly I cant take you anywhere.”

Knight Kim, “Ah here he is now my king this entertainer is a lonely traveller.”

A wild looking breaded man bows at King Xavier and Queen Sasha sat behind their long dinner table.

Queen Sasha, “Phew he smells.”

Knight Kim, “That would be because he is homeless my Queen.”

King Xavier, “I am so sorry for my Queen’s disrespect she didn’t mean what she said.”

King Xavier glares over at Queen Sasha who was pinching her nose.

Queen Sasha, “Cant you smell him? He wreaks”

King Xavier shakes his head.

King Xavier, “I will judge him on his talent and not the way that he smells. So what is this tramps talent he has come to entertain us with?”

Joseph, “Is he a singing tramp?”

Mary, “Or maybe he is a break dancing tramp.”

Tramp, “Why thank you Madam.”

King Xavier, “What is your name my smelly friend?”

Tramp, “Miles Copeland my king.”

King Xavier, “Well Miles if I myself or Queen Sasha thinks your entertaining I will provide you with a bed and a bath if you would like?”

Miles, “Thank you would you also provide a room for my glamorous assistant as well?”

Queen Sasha, “Assistant?”

Miles, “Oh yes we are a double act.”

King Xavier, “Where is this assistant of yours only we can’t see her.”

Miles dashes to the side of the hall, but soon returns dragging a big orange box. Everyone shields their ears as the sound of the box being dragged across the wooden floor.

King Xavier, “Oh man John’s going to kill me either that or mom will nag me to death. Look at the way he has marked the floor.”

Queen Sasha, “Oh stop being such a Wuss John and Gina are toads and I have never heard of a toad killing someone.”

King Xavier, “I hope your right Sash”

Joseph, “Yeah a bit of wood polisher should sort that.”

King Xavier, “Good idea anyway where is your assistant sir?”

Miles points to the big box.

Miles, “She’s in here would your knight please help me to open the box? The lids a bit heavy.”

King Xavier gestures Knight Kim forwards to use his muscles. Knight Kim grasps the sides of the box lid and with one heave sweeps the lid clear of the now open box.

Mary, “Oh my I’m sorry Joseph but his just so heavenly.”

King Xavier, “Oh yes Knight Kim here sure is a man of the Gods. If you thought that was impressive you should see him with his sledgehammer.”

Knight Kim, “Oh yes my good old and trusted hammer.”

Queen Sasha, “Miles is you assistant going to pop her head out of that box and grace us with an appearance or what?”

King Xavier, “Getting impatient again I see.”

Knight Kim peers into the sulkily covered box looking much like he was trying to find something.

Knight Kim, “It seems to be empty there’s no sight of her.”

Miles, “Oh don’t you worry she is here.”

Knight Kim, “Where?”

Miles points.

Miles, “There in that far corner. She’s sticking her tongue out at you will you stop that? You are showing me up.”

Knight Kim gives Miles an odd look.

Knight Kim, “No this box is definitely empty.”

Miles, “My good King would you allow me to have one of your carrots? Maybe I can coax her out that way.”

King Xavier, “You can have one of Sasha’s because I know she quite likes them and it will annoy her.”

Miles quickly grabs a carrot away from Queen Sasha’s plate and hovers it over the big box.

Miles, “Come on now Rabbit come out and get this tasty looking carrot.”

Elijah, “Your assistant is a rabbit?”

Joseph, “Well Mary here you were thinking we was going to be holidaying in Lapland this Christmas. When in fact I think we have followed some white rabbit down its rabbit hole into wonderland.”

Mary ,”Quiet Joseph I don’t want to miss a minute of this. This is more entertaining had some of the rubbish they put on the TV back home.”

Queen Sasha, “Well I’m getting very bored is your rabbit friend coming out or what?”

Miles turns and smiles sheepishly before looking back to the box with Rabbit inside. He covers his mouth to try and shield his not so quiet whisper.


Rabbit, “Naa I think I will let you sweat a bit longer.”

Miles, “They all think I’m mad out here.”

Rabbit, “Well Miles I attend to agree with them, you are talking to an invisible girl in a giant orange box.”

Miles, “But you told me you liked orange.”

Rabbit, “I did but now its just a little meh.”

Miles turns his head as he hears a loud cough going from King Xavier.

King Xavier, “Excuse me as much as this is very entertaining I have too do others things tonight. Such as study Mom did say I could rule the kingdom on the condition I find time to study.”

Miles, “Just a minute your highness. Rabbit I will pay you.”

Rabbit, “How much?”

Miles, “Name your price I’m desperate here.”

Rabbit, “Oh that is a very dangerous thing to say to me. I will write a figure down on this magical piece of paper that I have made pop out of thin air.”

Miles takes the paper with Rabbit’s sum on and is turned utterly speechless.

Rabbit, “You either pay that or……

Miles, “You do know I’m a tramp right?”

Rabbit, “No silly its not money I want you just pay me in carrots.”

Miles turns to face everyone.

Elijah, “Is your assistant ready now?”

Miles, “Yes so with great pleasure I would like to introduce you all to the amazing breathtaking and beautiful Rabbit.”

Dead silence fills the hall as Miles gestures with out stretched arms towards the big box.

Mary, “Oh look Joseph dear he has a imaginable little friend just like James and Jo do.”

Casey the ex River Troll hides behind a slimy rock just a few feet away from the dark and smelly River Trolls lair.

Casey, “Morag can you hear me now? I’m just about to enter.”

Morag, “Yes Casey that ear piece is working prefect now. Do you remember your cover story?”

Casey, “Yes”

Morag, “Good now remember go in and find out their plans to ruin Christmas and then report back to Santa’s grotto.”

Casey, “Ok I’m going in”

Brax, “Heath you stupid oaf where did you find this stupid fortune teller?”

Marilyn, “It is true”

Brax, “Yeah right I’m so going to start dating a ex supermodel. I mean haven’t you noticed I’m a troll?”

Heath, “Hey don’t question her I say what about me woman will I date anyone?”

Marilyn, “I can see a witch in your future.”

Brax, “That makes more sense Heath always goes for strange freaky women.”

Heath turns as he hears footsteps coming up behind them.

Heath, “Oh my Case”

Casey, “Hey guys”

Brax, “Oh my where have you been for the last year Case?”

Casey, “In jail”

Brax, “No way but that was ages ago. Do you mean the time you got locked up for taking candy from a baby?”

Casey, “Yep no one paid my bail.”

Brax, “I told Heath to pay it.”

Heath looks confused.

Heath, “You did?”

Brax, “Oh Heath you idiot you forgot.”

Heath, “I don’t remember I thought we sorted that ages go through.”

Brax, “Well no we didn’t because poor Casey here……”

Casey, “Don’t argue I’m back now.”

Brax, “That is true I have the prefect job for you too.”

Casey, “Oh yeah what’s that?”

Brax, “I want you to be our spy. Go to Santa’s grotto and report back to me of their plans to try and end our evil ways this Christmas.”

Casey smiled nervously great he thought I’m now a spy for both sides.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks JoiseTash,Red Ranger 1 Sarah and Carina for the feedback :D

Hope you like this one. :unsure:

Chapter 4

Alf stands by his sleigh giving it a proud stroke.

Santa, “Well Ric it seems you have done a top job on my Christmas cracker.”

Ric, “Isn’t that Mrs Clause’s job?”

Santa, Now, Now I’m talking about the sleigh you cheeky galah.”

Ric and Alf laugh as Colleen scurries towards them with about a dozen Casserole dishes balancing in her arms.

Colleen, “There you go my very own homemade turkey casserole.”

Ric, “Granddad are you ok?”

Colleen, “Alf dear this is not very Santa like of you.”

Alf stands leaning forwards with his hands on his knees and his head lowed trying his best to ease his gagging and heaving.

Ric, “Why is he doing that? Is he a nervous flyer or something? Or is it your cooking Colleen?”

Santa, “It’s just I cant take the sight of turkey or even the smell of it anymore. Its just turkey this turkey that with Colleen.”

Colleen, “Oh do stop being such a grumpy poees will you Santa? Its part of the Santa diet if you want to blame someone blame your sister.”

Ric, “She has a point Granddad.”

Santa ,Yes, Yes I know the Santa binding contract that my good sister had drawn up. Why the flaming hell does she have to be a lawyer?”

Ric, “I would say it’s because she is very scary looking and can make people tremble with fear.”

Colleen pulls a sheet of paper from the deaths of her clothes.

Santa, “Oh for the love of God woman please tell me you didn’t just pull that out from your bra?”

Colleen, “Well its handy place to store this piece of very important document. It is times like these I need to remind you why you are Santa.”

Ric, “What is so important about that tatty looking piece of paper that you stuff down your bra for safe keeping?”

Ric turns a shade of green just thinking about it.

Colleen, “This is the very special and binding commitment of the upmost animate responsibly one can ask of someone. The person who signs himself up must understand the importance of being jolly, fat, likes the colour red and gets on well with children.”

Ric, “Sounds nothing like you Granddad.”

Santa, “You cheeky galah take that back.”

Colleen, “It then goes on to say about this strict Santa diet.”

Santa, “Yes I know what it says you read it to me every year. It also bangs on about how fond of mince pies, cookies and sherry I am. While really I would rather roast my own nuts on the barber and no I’m not talking about chestnuts.”

Ric, “Do you like the colour red?”

Santa, “Can’t flaming stand it for once I would really like it if my little mad on fashion elf Nicole would design something new for me.”

Ric, “What colour suit would you like?”

Santa, “Blue same colour as the water I fish in.”

Colleen “Blue now that would look ridiculous it would be like the kids would be getting a visit from a jolly breaded cookie monster.”

Alf grabs hold of his stomach retching turkey casseroles and chucks them in the back of the sleigh, causing the peaceful snowflake air to be consumed by the loud clattering of casserole dishes being banged together.

Colleen, “Ah you think if you break my casserole dishes Alfred I wont be able to make anymore, well you would be wrong I have thousands upon thousands of them.”

Alf steps forwards pointing his finger at Colleen his mouth open just about to speak.

Ric, “Now, now don’t argue its Christmas.”

Santa, “I tell you now you better get back into our cottage now or I…….”

Colleen, “Your what?”

Santa, “Or Santa wont have no where to live.”

Colleen turns back round to see black smoke billowing out the doorway.

Colleen, “Oh my I must of left the oven on.”

Santa, “See turkey will be the death of me someday.”

Colleen stands rooted to the spot breathing heavily, while she held her fists clenched at her sides. Alf and Ric back away slightly as her face stats to get a reddish tan as anger rising through her.

Santa, “Lets go shall we Ric? The wife to jolly old Santa looks a tad bit angry.”

Alf and Ric quickly jog away. Alf takes a look over his shoulder to see a red faced Colleen shaking her fist. Alf winces slightly as she begins to shout.


Ric, “Women eh Granddad?”

Santa, “She must be on her period or something. Anyway Ric I will just go and get my reindeers and then we will be off to my workshop for my flaming suit fitting.”

Ric, “What I’m coming with you?”

Santa, “Well someone has to show me how to work all the gadgets you have installed on my sleigh.”

Ric, “I don’t know about that Granddad. I’m just a mechanic I don’t do flying.”

Santa, “Don’t be silly its just like surfing.”

Ric, “Granddad how would you know? You have never surfed.”

Santa, “That is true but I imagine its about the same.”

Ric, “I get travel sick I…..”

Santa, “Nonsense you will be fine. I will give you a candy kane to suck on.”

Ric opens his mouth to protest again but Alf is already skipping towards his reindeer stable,which is tucked neatly away in the wood which surrounds his cottage.

Alf smiles as he hears excited hooves clattering round as he opens the sable door.

Santa, “Hello my beauties are you happy to see me?”

Irene, “We sure are darl”

Santa, “Hey Irene how are you doing? Are you up for a sleigh ride?”

Reindeer Irene runs round in excited circles.

Irene, “Can I have a drink of water first darl I’m parched.”

Alf chuckles as he kicks a bucket towards Irene who starts guzzling the water hungrily.

Ric and Colleen are just about to go into the stable but they both stop in there tracks with worried expressions on their faces as they hear Alf talking.

Santa, “How are you Ailsa? Would you like a polo mint? Aren’t you beautiful you like that mint don’t you? Here have a munch on this carrot.”

Ric, “Er Colleen isn’t Ailsa dead?”

Colleen, “Oh dear me she doesn’t seem to be for Alf, sounds like he thinks his talking to her again.”

They both poke their heads round the side of the reindeer stable to see what looks like Alf talking to thin air. As their line of sight is blocked by a large hay bail they both walk in quietly.

Santa, “Give me a kiss my beauty.”

Colleen, “Alf my dear you do know that isn’t Ailsa don’t you?”

Santa, “Of course I do you batty woman.”

Ric, It’s just that you were talking to her.”

Santa, “I know I was”

Colleen, “Alf are you ill again?”

Santa, “What the hell are you on about this is Ailsa the reindeer I named her after Ailsa.”

Rudolph, “I don’t know Santa silly humans.”

Alf laughs as he sees Ric jump back at the sight of talking reindeers.

Ric, “Granddad did Rudolph just speak?”

Santa, “Of course he did.”

Irene, “Ah that’s better I needed that drink.”

Ric staggers back bumping into the stable wall.

Santa, “You look shocked at me having talking reindeers.”

Ric, “It’s not a normal thing Granddad”

Santa, “Well I am Santa Ric”

Ric, “How can they talk?”

Santa, “Fairy dust plus Bianca’s magical punch helps.”

Ric, “Fairy dust? Bianca? Please don’t tell me she’s a witch or something.”

Santa, “She is actually that’s a very good guess.”

Ric, “How did I not know you had talking reindeers?”

Santa, “Well there isn’t much need for magic in the world of mechanics.”

Irene, “Come on Santa can we go now? I want to have a good old natter with the other reindeers we have a lot to catch up on.”

Santa, “Yes see you later Colleen, let’s go Ric.”

Meanwhile at Castle Sands.

Miles, “Ah that was a brilliant bath.”

Rabbit, “Yes it was rather good wasn’t it?”

Miles, “Yes but Rabbit that was rather naughty of you using all King Xavier’s bubble bath like that.”

Rabbit, “Well he did say help yourself and you will get the blame seeing as no one but you can see me.”

Miles, “You can be a very bad rabbit sometimes. Now are you sure this is the right room?”

Rabbit, “Oh yes”

Miles, “Ok then lets go to bed Rabbit and do try to sleep tonight, I’m only telling you one bedtime story tonight not like……….”

There is a high pitched scream as Miles opens the door.

Kitchen Wench Leah, “Who are you?”

Rabbit pushes Miles into the room.

Kitchen Wench Leah, “I ask again who are you?”

Miles, “That doesn’t matter seeing I have got the wrong room Ill just be on my way.”

Miles turns to try the door handle, but it feels like someone is holding it tightly from the other side.

Rabbit happily takes the tiny key that she has magically made appear out of thin air and turns it in the lock.

Miles, “Hey Rabbit I know that’s you what do you think you are doing?”

Rabbit calls from the other side of the door.

Rabbit, “I think they call it a bit of matchmaking Miles.”

Rabbit turns to see knight Kim with a tray of red wine and Elijah approaching. She knew very well Elijah was on his way to see Kitchen wench Leah. With the first part of her plan having gone perfectly. It was now time for the second part to be put into play. Couching down at the end of the long hall Rabbit prepared herself for a long distance skirt if this went well she thought she would enter the Olympics next year and with that she ran at top speed at the two people approaching. Knight Kim felt a whoosh of air wiz past him causing him to twirl around in a unsteady unbalanced circle. Mid way through his circle the carefully balanced glasses of wine took fight and landed with nice red stain on Elijah’s clothes.

Knight Kim, “Oh I am so sorry sir.”

Elijah, “Do you often decide to do a dance twirl in the middle of the corridors?”

Knight Kim, “Why no it seems this would be my first time.”

Elijah, “I advise you to make it your last. I mean would you look at my dog collar, stained bight red it is.”

Knight Kim, “Come sir I will help you clean yourself up.”

Rabbit does a triumph fist pump into the air, as she watches Knight Kim and Elijah walking away.

Kitchen Wench Leah, “Well for someone who is going you don’t seem to be leaving very fast. It would seem you wanted to stay in my bedroom.”

Miles, “Not at all its just the door seems to be locked.”

Kitchen Wench Leah, “Well then what will we ever do about that?”

Miles, “Have you got a paper clip or something? Maybe I could pick the lock”

Kitchen Wench Leah, “Oh so you would leave a bored little kitchen wench all alone?.”

Miles, Well…..”

Kitchen Wench Leah, “Tell me you funny skinny Stanger have you ever tried Greek?”

Miles, “Er no”

Kitchen Wench Leah quickly sweeps her way over to Miles pining him against the door. Miles blushes as she wraps one of her see through stocking filled legs round him.

Kitchen Wench Leah, “Well your going to try Greek tonight Mister I can tell you.”

Miles, “Oh my”

Meanwhile high in the sky.

Ric looks over the side of his Granddads’ sleigh.

Ric, “Er it’s a bit high isn’t it Granddad?”

Santa, “Ric you great galah will you just show me which buttons work which gadgets?”

Ric, “Read the manual Granddad I am feeling rather fearful for my life right now.”

Santa, “Suck on that flaming candy kane I gave you. Right I’m trying this button.”

Alf presses the button and is very disappointed when nothing seems to happen.

Santa, “Oh yes Ric that’s a good gadget you have made me, oh yes nothing flaming happ……. Alf quickly swings his sleigh to one side as it nearly collieries with a plane.

Santa, “Stupid flaming thing didn’t it see us?”

Ric, “Well no Granddad you have just activated the invisibility cloaking gadget.”

Santa, “Ah what’s this button do?”

Ric turns back round from throwing up over the side of the sleigh.

Ric, “That’s the reversing light it speaks and everything.”

Santa, “Reversing light when on earth would I need to reverse?”

Ric, “Well you never know.”

Santa, “Oh this lever looks good.”

Ric, “No Granddad that’s hyper speed.”

Ric screams as the sleigh reaches speeds faster than light itself.

Elf Sid stands rather breathless having just rushed round handing out plasters and headache pills to all the other elves.

Sid, “Please Liam no more singing”

Liam, “Oh Sid don’t be such a party poopper me and my band are just getting warmed up.”

Elves Dex and April quickly say together finishing off each others sentences.

Dex, “But”

April, “We”

Dex, “Are”

April, “Happy”

Dex, “Again”

Nicole, “Yes thank you very much for the motivation to keep working Liam.”

Ruby, “I will give you a big wet kiss if you stop singing.”

Liam, “So you don’t want me to sing?”

Sid, “No I just haven’t got enough plasters and pills to cope with the pain your music brings to people.”

James, “Don’t worry Liam our Mummy loves your music.”

Jo, “She dances silly through.”

Morag, “Well thank you Liam for that torture, but as you can see the elves are happily working away again isn’t that right?”

All the elves nod quickly.

Liam bows as he gets back to toy making.

Just then there is a loud crashing sound Morag rushes out to see what has happened outside.

Morag, “ALFRED”

Santa, “Flaming hell Ric that was fast.”

Morag, “Look at what you have done to the side of the building.”

Santa, “You can thank Ric’s speed boosters for that.”

Morag, “Honestly Alfred have you not heard of using a door? I will have to find something to wedge your sleigh out now. Maybe I will ask Liam to sing, now come along come inside.”

Morag drags a fainted Ric inside Santa’s Grotto.

Alf walks round to the front door to be greeted with the sight of Angelo and Charlie holding their assault rifles at him.

Charlie, “Hey you stop right there.”

Angelo, “Jeez Charlie calm down.”

Charlie, “Hands up that’s it slowly.”

Santa, “It’s me you flaming pair of galahs.”

Charlie, “Shut up show some respect.”

Angelo, “Who are you sir?”

Santa, “Oh I don’t know the flaming Easter bunny.”

Angelo, “Really? But it’s Christmas why don’t you move along and come back at Easter?”

Santa, “Hmm let me think I can’t do that.”

Charlie, “Oh and why is that?”

Santa, “Because I’m flaming Father Christmas.”

Angelo, “Likely story”

Charlie, “Have you got any proof of that sir?”

Santa, “I’m dressed in red and I’m fat and have a long white beard.”

Angelo, “That might be so but there is a big hole in your story.”

Santa, “What is that?”

Angelo, “You don’t look very jolly.”

Santa, “Well would you with two assault rifles stuck in your face?”

Morag, “Oh for pity sake you two let him through its Alfred my brother.”

Charlie, “We are very sorry Santa, but you can never be too careful these days there are some very naughty trolls out there.”

Santa muttering to himself pushes past them.

Meanwhile on the border between Summer Bay and Mangogrove Swap River Troll Heath and ex River troll turned spy Casey chat.

Casey, “Heath I could of walked here you know you didn’t have to drive me its dangerous for us trolls to be seen.”

Heath, “I thought I would see you got here safely.”

Casey, “Well thank you for babysitting me but I’m fine.”

Casey gets out the car and begins walking away.

Heath sits watching he cant quite put his smelly slimly finger on it, but he cant for the life of him remember leaving Casey in jail having forgotten to pay for his bail. Hmm was there reason not to trust his brother? It was at this point of Heath seeming quite clever that he was distracted but his favourite song Barbie Girl coming on the radio. Thoughts of Casey flew from his mind as he sung at the top of his voice.

Heath longed for the day he would get his own Barbie Girl.

Casey made his way slowly when a sudden mysterious shot from a nearby gun came inches away from hitting him.

Casey, “Phew that was close I forgot about that dam sniper.”

Casey picks up his pace and ran to Santa’s Grotto.

Roman Harris turns smiling at his friend who just happened to be a giant.

Roman, “I nearly got one of those River Trolls BFA.”

The Giant smiled back at his friend just as the little radio beeped on Roman’s belt.

Roman, “Yes your ladyship?”

Morag, “Roman I know I asked you and your pet giant to protect the outskirts of Summer Bay from River Trolls.”

Roman, “Yes never fear we are on the job.”

Morag, “Yes but would you please not shoot at our River Troll spy?”

Roman, “Right you are”

Morag, “Oh and tell BFA the giant not to eat any River Trolls either.”

Roman rolls his eyes as he places his radio back onto his belt.

BFA, “You got told off”

Roman, “Yes BFA I did”

BFA laughs as he peers up at the low hanging trees where the Christmas fairies lived.

BFA, “I want fairy”

Roman, “I think you will scare them mate seeing as you a giant, fairies are small.”

BFA, “I want fairly to be my girlfriend.”

Roman laughs.

Roman, “Oh I cant see that happening even if you a Big friendly giant with blonde hair and muscles.”

BFA, “I get fairy”

BFA the giant reaches up into the trees in search of a fairy to be his friend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks to Sarah, Red Ranger 1, JoiseTash and Carina for the feedback.

Hope you like this It's quite short

Chapter 5

Christmas Fairies Sally Fletcher and Tinkerbelle sit high up in amongst the tree tops having a relaxing girly chat, while powering each others noses.

Tinker Bell, “I still don’t know if I’m going to come.”

Sally, “Oh come on you have too”

Tinker Bell, “But I haven’t got a date or a dress or anything.”

Sally, “Blah Blah what a load of glittering sprinkles that is.”

Tinker Bell, “No its not and its easy for you, you have that nice handsome hobbit Flynn wanting to take you too the fairly Christmas ball, but I don’t have anyone wanting to take me.”

Sally, “Oh Tinker Bell I’m sure there’s loads of handsome creatures wanting to date you. You just have to spread your fairly wings and go and get your soulmate.”

Tinker Bell, “Oh get you being all loved up.”

Sally, “I can’t help it Flynn is just so………..”

Sally finds herself very much caught up in this moment of bliss. As she lets out a long and dreamy sigh as she tilts her little head up looking at the sparking stars of the night.

Tinker Bell, “I will never find love like………”

Tinker Bell, Lets out a high pitch scream as she is pulled from their treetop home by a giant hand. Sally rushes forward looking down as a screaming Tinker Bell is carried away.

BFA the giant’s grin widens as he opens his hand to find a tiny fairy sitting looking up at him from his palm. BFA runs excitedly over to Roman. The thudding impact of BFA’s footsteps causes Roman to lose his perfectly positioned sniper rifle to jolt out of it’s place.

BFA holds the tiny fairy up by her hair, her dangling little legs kicking round wildly.

BFA, “Roman I got new friend.”

Roman, “That’s nice pal but would you come and help me watch for River Trolls now and stop playing with the fairies.”

Roman sighs as it is clear BFA hasn’t heard a single word of what he had just been asked of him, as he just carries on rabbiting on at top speed about his new found tiny female friend.

BFA, “My friend very pretty.”

Roman, “Oh yes sure mate, now how about…….”

BFA,”My pretty friend excited to see me she screams with delight.”

Roman, “She screams yes but no I don’t think it is out of delight, now come on big guy back to….”

BFA, “My friend looks cute enough to eat.”

Tinker Bell, “Oh no don’t eat me please.”

BFA, “Roman I is going over here talk to my new friend.”

Roman, “But I need you to fling the River Trolls away if they surprise attack us.”

Roman sighs again as he looks over his shoulder to see BFA sitting waving back by a faraway rock, his new found fairy friend having being placed on the rock.

Tinker Bell, “I demand to know the reason you have kidnapped me from my home amongst the lovely treetops?”

BFA, “You be my friend”

Tinker Bell, “Certainly not I mean I don’t even know your name, plus your three sizes bigger than me.”

BFA, “My name is BFA.”

Tinker Bell, What kind of stupid name is that? I mean what does it stand for?”

BFA, “Big Friendly Aden.”

Tinker Bell, “Big Friendly Aden?”

The giant nods back.

Big Friendly Aden, “Whats yous name?”

Tinker Bell, “Tinker Bell but I like to be called Belle for short, but that is besides the point since you are going to put me right back in my treetop home.”

Big Friendly Aden, “Belle is pretty name.”

Belle, “Why thank you I guess your name is cute as well.”

Big Friendly Aden, “Big Friendly Aden and Belle play together now?”

Belle blushes slightly giggling.

Belle, “No that’s not a good idea, you are a giant and I am a fairly you might squash me.”

Big Friendly Aden, “Big Friendly Aden would never hurt his friend Belle.”

Belle, “Oh you big softie.”

Big Friendly Aden, “Big Friendly Aden wants pretty fairly Belle to be his girlfriend.”

Belle, “Oh my your not shy in coming forwards are you?”

Big Friendly Aden, “I do not understand your way of talking.”

Belle, “Oh you are very cute.”

Meanwhile in the dark depths of Mangogrove swamp River Troll Brax is pacing.

Brax, “Martha I shouldn’t worry about it. I have planted Casey into the heart of Santa’s Grotto. He will be our highly trusted spy.”

Brax can’t help but lick his sloppy wet troll lips as he gazes his wondering eyes over a stunning looking Martha, dressed in a long black cloak, black leather boots and fishnet stocking. He could see why she had decided to take up the art of witchcraft. One of the reasons of course was her having to flee the bay with Goblin Hugo after he had eaten a load of children.

Then there was the second reason that being that Brax found her hot and very sexy and who would deny that was an main ingredients’ you needed to become a witch, In that way you would have everyone falling under you spell and Brax certainly found himself falling under her spell as his lingering eyes hovered round Martha bosom area.


Brax, “I’m sorry I got a bit distracted there for a moment. Now what were we saying?”

Martha, “You were saying about Casey being your spy but let’s say it doesn’t work out with him.”

Brax, “I can’t see how it would fail eh”

Martha, “Oh lets say he gets distracted somehow. I mean you Rivertrolls do have a habit of getting distracted shall we say Brax?”


Brax, “I’m sorry, what were we saying? I don’t know what just came over me eh.”

Martha, “Well anyway I for one am fed up of just sitting here tiggering our thumbs. I think we need to break into Santa’s Grotto and steal some of those presents.”

Hugo the Goblin, “Plus I have a strong hunger to eat some Christmas Elves.”

Brax, “I really think we should wait for Casey to get back to us first to give him chance to scope the place out first eh.”

Martha, “I thought you Rivertrolls were suppose to be bad?”

Brax, “We are eh its just we are trolls we cant just break in hey will be expecting us.”

Martha, “I have potions to change your appearance

Heath, “Hear that Brax? She’s going to turn you into a real boy just like Pinocchio.”

Brax, “Heath where have you been?”

Heath, “Dropping Casey off.”

Brax, “Oh Heath how stupid are you were you seen?”

Heath, “Nope”

Brax, “Heath what were you thinking of? You’re a troll lets hope you weren’t seen. A Rivertroll dropping off our spy you could of blew our cover.”

Heath, “Sorry I wasn’t thinking.”

Brax, “Clearly”

Heath, “Anyway what are we talking about?”

Martha, “Breaking into Santa’s Grotto.”

Heath, “Oh goody can I sit on Santa’s lap? I will be right back.”

Brax, “Where are you going?”

Heath, “To get my Christmas list.”

Brax, “Er Heath I don’t think you will get anything off Santa this year, seeing as your on his naughty list.”

Heath, “Why would I be on that? I haven’t done anything that bad this year.”

Brax, “Oh really?”

Heath, “No what could I have done that’s so bad?”

Brax, “Oh I don’t know. How about your trying to destroy and ruin Christmas?”

Heath, “Ah I guess there is that.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks JoiseTash,Sarah,Zetti,Red Ranger and Carina for the comments :D

I hope to get this Fic done in the next couple of days so not many chapters to go.

Chapter 6

Heath, “Oh do come on woman Christmas will be over by the time you have finished.”

Martha, “Will you be quiet? It takes time to imply these magical appearance changing stencilled tattoos have patience.”

Heath, “It would be quicker just to go and get a real tattoo.”

Brax, “But you would cry again Heath just like last time.”

Marilyn, “That is true you would.”

Heath, “Yes thank you for your input of guess work fortune teller.”

Marilyn, “It is not guess work I just know how much of a baby you really are.”

Brax can’t help but laugh at this as his laughter eases Casey walks into the lair.

Casey, “What are you guys doing having a beauty session or something?”

Heath, “We are coming up with a back up plan. You see these fake drawn on tattoos, which are going to be ready by this time next year, by the slow rate this slow young sexy witch is putting them on. They will turn us into hot handsome men who can woo all the ladies.”

Brax, “Well in my case anyway, who you think I could bend to my evil ways a nurse a policewoman perhaps?”

Marilyn, “I have told you before a ex supermodel.”

Brax, “Naa I know I’m good but not that good to pull a supermodel, I would just settle for a police woman I think.”

Casey coughs loudly bringing the attention back to him.

Casey, “Would you like to know what useful information I have found you on my spying mission?”

Brax, “Yes of course, and if you have found us something useful we can go back to the plan of just biding our time.”

Martha, “Oh no you can’t not after I have sat here for ages drawing a skull on your brother’s arm.”

Brax, “Oh Heath.”

Heath, “What? I might as well get a good tattoo.”

Brax, “But its not real.”

Heath, “Oh you mean just like Santa isn’t real?”

Brax, “Heath you know that isn’t true.”

Heath, “Oh do I? Whys that?”

Brax, “Because his the one we are trying to destroy you idiot. Heath I do worry about you sometimes.”

Heath, “No need I was only teasing you of course I know his real.”

Brax, “Casey go on maybe you will speak some sense.”

Casey, “Its good stuff I tell you.”

Casey’s eyes shine with excitement as he holds up a little notepad.

Casey, “Are you all ready?”

Martha, “Oh for pity sake just get on with it.”

Casey, “Very well, well its quite a dark smelly wet place so you have the darkness to hide you.”

Brax, “Its dark and smelly in Santa’s Grotto are you sure?”

Heath, “Yeah isn’t it all brightly lit and colourful with lots of sickly happy jolly people?”

Casey, “Oh no this is an wicked wicked evil place of nightmares.”

Heath, “But what about the elves and Santa?”

Brax, “Yes come on Cas you are upsetting Heath.”

Casey, “Well I can’t help it if Santa’s Grotto is in a middle of a swamp now can I?”

Hugo the Goblin, “It sounds like he has just described our liar.”

Casey, “Oh yes” Casey mutters quietly to himself. “This is the wrong notepad.”

Brax, “Er Casey are you working against us?”

Casey, “No way its fine I have the right notepad now.”

Brax, “Well what does it say?”

Casey panicking just reads out what it says without thinking of what he is saying.

Casey, “To my sexy little minx, you make my heart flutter and give me butterflies every time that I see you. I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH then there’s big love hearts and loads of kisses.”

Casey holds out the sheet of paper for everyone to see.

Brax, “Casey er I don’t want to sound stupid that’s Heath’s job but have you just read out a love letter?”

Heath, “Who’s the lucky woman Cas?”

Martha, “I’m sorry I must be a bit confused here but I thought we were a couple of evil masterminds not a bunch of love sick puppies.”

Brax, “Yeah come on Cas you know us Rivertrolls don’t do love.”

Casey, “Sorry guys maybe I’m just not cut out to be your spy.”

Brax, “Don’t be silly eh, as long as this girl is as evil as us I guess you can have a girlfriend. What’s the name of this girl you like?”

Heath, “I bet its something like Pandora or Lama or Jezebel or…..”

Casey starts to shuffle nervously on his feet as he says just above a whisper.

Casey, “Her name is Ruby.”

Brax, “I’m sorry speak up Cas, I didn’t quite catch that did you Heath?”

Heath, “I sure didn’t”

Casey says quietly again. “Ruby”

Brax sighs while Heath quickly copies him.

Brax, “I still can’t hear you”

Heath, “Nor me”


Brax, “Ah that’s what I thought you said but I thought I heard you wrong, thought I must have had too much slime in my ears.”

Heath, “Ruby? That doesn’t sound very evil sounds rather a pretty name.”

Brax, “What does she do?”

Heath, “Ah wait is it something like throw stink bombs at people or does she fart really loudly and the smell gases people am I close?”

Casey says quietly once again.

Casey, “She’s an Elf at Santa’s Grotto.”

Brax and Heath together, “You what? Speak up will you Jezz?”


Martha, “Oh dearly me your so called evil spy of a brother seems to have fallen in love with one of Santa’s Elves.”

Brax, “I must say I’m very disappointed in you Cas. You would never find me falling in love with someone, I would use them for my own needs yes but I would never love them.”

Marilyn, “I beg to defter.”

Brax, “Shut up fortune teller Chambers I never asked for your input.”

Martha, “Well there we are all done now to make these fake stencils tattoos magical.”

Martha steps back and begins to wave her hands about and starts to waffle on about eye of toads and newts.

Heath, “Couldn’t you just click your fingers or something?”

Martha, “I could yes but that would be too simple.”

Martha crackles as she clicks her fingers. There is a sudden puff of smoke which she quickly waves away. Martha is quite overwhelm by the hotness of the three RiverTrolls in front of her. she steps forward and gently laces her fingers down their musically chests. Brax and Heath’s bodies quiver slightly at having a sexy black haired witch caressing their chests. Martha looks deep into their eyes while moving in slowly getting ready to kiss them.


Martha backs off sounds of disappointed sighs can be heard from Brax and Heath.

Martha, “What is your point exactly Hugo? You’re a goblin and my ex husband’s cousin haven’t I proved I’m easy to you yet? Anyway you two you cant get those tattoos wet as they will fade turning you hot boys into some nasty ugly looking trolls again.”

Brax, “Anything else?”

Martha, “Yes stay away from giants and fairies no matter how friendly the look. Fairies have that annoying dust which would show your true appearance and giants can smell a troll from miles away.”

King Xavier is up in his bedroom courters playing his favourite video game Zelda on his Nintendo wil.

King Xavier, “How’s that for some handy sword work? Don’t worry Princess I will rescue you Ah Ah take that.”

Knight Kim, “Er Xavier may I…..”

King Xavier, “Knight Kim please call me sire it sounds cooler.”

Knight Kim, “Yes indeed I have been out to the castle’s pond and brought King John and Queen Gina to talk to you.”

King Xavier, “What now? But I thought they were a couple of happy toads swimming about in that pond.”

Knight Kim They say it is urgent that they speak with you.”

King Xavier, “Ok but tell them to wait I need to get to a checkpoint to save my game.”

Knight Kim, “Sire I don’t think they care.”

King Xavier, “Knight Kim I don’t care if they don’t care I need to get to a save point otherwise I will die. I’m in the middle of a big sword fight.”

Knight Kim, “Sire I…..”

King Xavier, “KNIGHT KIM…….”

Queen Gina, “XAVIER”

King Xavier jumps back as he looks down at his mother sat on a purple royal cushion.

King Xavier, “Oh Mom”

Queen Gina, “I will give you oh Mom in a minute show some respect to Knight Kim after all he does have a sledgehammer.”

King John, “Very nicely put dear now listen Xavier, Xavier?”

Queen Gina, “Xavier?”

King Xavier, “What I’m listening I can play my video game and listen cant I?”


King Xavier quickly throws the wil controls away mostly in fight.

King Xavier, “There now what is it?”

King John, “Xavier you do remember I have booked to have a duelling and jousting contest tomorrow?”

King Xavier, “Nope”

Queen Gina, “Oh really Xavier I stuck a note on the fridge about it.”

King Xavier, “Well I don’t go in the royal kitchens I’m king. I have Kitchen wench Leah to tell me about such things.”

Queen Gina, “May I remind you Xavier that you and Sasha are only stand ins while me and John have the problem of being toads.”

King John, “Yes and to think we were only cutting back some bushes and pirfff next thing we knew we were toads.”

Gina, “There, there dear it must have had something to do with those Rivertrolls.”

King John, “Xavier you must win this duelling contest tomorrow for the kingdom of castle sands. I hear you will be facing Prince Stu he will be a tough one to beat.”

King Xavier’s eyes narrowed with anger.

King Xavier, “So Prince Stu has returned to claim his hold over my queen Sasha I think not.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Carina,JoiseTash,Sarah and Red Ranger for the comments :D

Hope you like this one

Warning sexual references in this chapter.

Chapter 7

Dex, “Oh my I just can’t do this anymore.”

Little elf Dex wipes his sweaty brow with one of his tiny hands. Then he progress to fall dramatically to the floor with a painful looking expression on his face.

Morag, “DEXTER”

Dex’s eyes shoot open at the very scary sound of Morag’s strict booming voice.

Morag stands towering over him tapping her watch.

Dex, “Oh no more toy making for me please. I just can’t take it I’m soooooooooo tired.”

Morag, “Dexter get too your feet please. Alfred will be leaving shortly and you only have ten more red fire trucks to make.”

Liam, “Hey I could sing for him if you would like? Are you ready band?”

Morag holds her hands out in front of her and quickly says…

Morag, “God no my ears have been put through enough pain thank you.”

Liam, “What?”

Morag, “Oh I mean my ears have been blessed enough by your wonderful music Liam.”

Liam, “Oh well in that case you wont mind some more.”

Morag, “Oh for the love of Jesus, no just no.”

Liam, “But you……”

Morag, Oh my is that the time? I just, just have some……….some……….important filing I have to do somewhere very far away from here. OH AND DEXTER GET UP FROM OFF THE FLOOR I THINK RUDOLPH POOED THERE.”

Dex jumps to his feet immediately and walks slowly over to April.

April, “Here Dex have these they will help you stay awake.”

Dex, “What are they?”

April, “Coffee beans.”

Dex, “Coffee beans? Oh no April you didn’t?”

April, “What Sid won’t miss them.”

Dex, “April these are my Dad’s prize winning coffee beans, you stole them from him.”

April, “Stole is such a harsh word, I would say I borrowed them.”

Dex, “April he won them at one of his first aid raffles, I think he will notice and I can’t see you giving them back to him.”

April, “Dex stop your blabbing.”

Dex looks down at the big pile of toys April had just made in a space of five minutes.

Dex, “How on earth did you just make some many toys?”

April, “Oh I have your Dad’s coffee beans to thank there I’m well wired.”

Alf looks himself over in the mirror.

Santa, “Well Nicole I must say you have out done yourself this time.”

Nicole, “Why thank you very much Alf oh I mean Santa, so you like the improvements I have made to you suit then?”

Santa, “Yes”

Nicole, “I must I am very proud of the cup holder with its fitted straw I have placed inside your hat.”

Santa, “Yes Nicole and rightly so you should be very proud of that feature.”

Nicole, “Oh yes why?”

Santa, “Well I have a prefect place to store and drink my beer from now. Which will be very handy way of washing the vile taste of sherry away.”

Nicole, “Oh that is very naughty Santa, How’s the extra padding on your bottom feel.?”

Santa, “Oh very spongy and rather cosy thank you.”

Nicole claps her hands excitedly and chases after Alf as he leaves his dressing room.


Morag, “Santa that would be a child.”


Morag, “His name is James and I have told him he can come with you while you deliver the presents tonight. It might keep the sprit of Christmas alive a while longer.”

Santa, “I don’t know I……….”

James, “Oh pretty please I’s come with you?”

Santa, “I…….”

James, “I’s be good Santa.”

Santa, “Oh I must be going soft but fine. Dex, April show James to the sleigh.”

Just then a worried looking Sid and a proud looking Liam come rushing over.

Morag, “What’s wrong Sid? You look like you have lost something.”

Sid, “I have my raffle winning coffee beans have gone.”

Santa, “Coffee beans is that all?”

Sid, “Oh no these can be very dangerous they will keep the person wired for hours, but the come down is very depressing indeed.”

Sid wanders off in search of his missing coffee beans.

Santa, “Liam what do you want?”

Liam, “I made you a CD of my music to rock out too, while you travel in your sleigh tonight.”

Santa, “A CD now that’s bit old fashioned isn’t it? I have a iPod docking bay in my sleigh.”

Morag, “Oh that’s a shame you wont be able to listen to it Alfred be very thankful for small mercies Alfred I say.”

Liam, “Oh you have a iPod now Santa well it’s a good job I download all my tracks to your iPod earlier isn’t it?”

Santa, “Yes thank you I hear your very good.”

Alf turns to Morag who is beside herself with laughter.

Morag, “Oh dear Alfred who ever told you that?”

Santa, “Bianca she speaks very highly indeed of your music Liam.”

Liam blushes.

Liam, “You wont be disappointed I tell you now Santa.”

Santa, “Well I cant stand round here all flaming night I have to go.”

Ruby, “What happens if we need you Santa in case those Rivertrolls drop by?”

Santa, “Text me”

Sid, “Oh you mean text Santa?”

Santa, “Yes”

Morag, “What will that cost?”

Santa, “Oh I don’t know but with it being Christmas Eve it won’t be cheap.”

Outside in the entrance way to Santa’s Grotto security guards Angelo and Charlie have their assault rifles raised at three hot tattooed men.

Charlie, “Er Casey do you know these two sex Gods?”

Angelo, “Charlie what has come over you? Would you please act professionally?”

Casey, “Er no I don’t know them.”

Angelo, “Why are they with you then?”

Casey, “Errrrrrrrrrrr”

Heath, “His our brother stupid.”

Brax quickly pulls Heath towards him and whispers shut up in his ear.

Brax, “Ha, ha what he means is he reminds him of his brother.”

Angelo, “Hmm I see.”

Charlie, “Why are you here?”

Brax, “To sit on your lap.”

Charlie raises an eyebrow.

Brax, “Oh no I mean…….”

Heath, “What my tongue tied brother meant to say is we are here to sit down on Santa’s lap.”

Brax, “Oh no I didn’t I meant we are here to have it off with Santa.”

Angelo, Excuse me?”

Brax, “Oh sorry did I just say have it off with Santa? I mean we would like to congratulate him on such a good job he is doing.”

Charlie, “Well when you have done with congratulating him, you can come and sit on my lap and have it off with me if you would like?”

Angelo, “CHARLIE”

Casey, “Oh why do I have to be related to you two?”

Angelo, “I thought you just said you wasn’t?”

Brax, “His not but we are very close.”

Angelo, “In what way?”

Brax, “Oh intimately.”

Heath, “What my blabbing brother means is……..”

Charlie Would you like to get intimate with me eh sexy?”

Brax, “Oh yes I would very much be up for that.”

Charlie, “Meet me under the mistletoe and we will play a bit of tonsil tennis.”

Heath, “Oh for the love of God.”

Heath grabs hold of a lovestruck Brax and barges past Angelo and Charlie.

Heath, “What’s wrong with you? You were as stupid as me there.”

Brax, “Oh Heath I know but she’s so beautiful.”

The was a sudden flash of light and Martha appeared with a long dance pole.

Martha, “Go boys go and cause some mischief. I will distract everyone with some of my magical exotic pole dancing.”

While Martha moved sexually against her pole Brax and Heath searched high and low for Santa.

Heath, “Ah I’m bored.”

Brax, “Well I know what I’m going to do.”

Heath, “What?”

Brax, “I’m off to find some mistletoe and then I’m going to have myself some kissing action.”

Heath, “Your going soft just like Casey over there.”

Heath pointed to Casey who was showing Ruby his love letter.

Heath sighed as he looked round. A slow grin crept upon his face as he saw a old face.

Heath, “Hey Rockstar”

Liam, “Oh hey do I know you?”

Heath, “Who me no way.”

Liam, “So you’re a fan of my music?”

Heath, “No it sucks.”

Liam, “What?”

Heath, “Oh I mean yes I love it.”

Liam, “Thanks”

Heath, “But you know what would make you sound even better?”

Liam, “No”

Heath, “Candy Kanes”

Liam, “Oh no ta I had a bad addiction to them last year.”

Heath, “Yes I know………….I mean that sucks.”

Liam, “Yeah one of those evil Rivertrolls kept selling them to me, until I ended up addicted, had to go to elf rehab.”


Liam, “Er the Rivertrolls.”


Liam, “Jeez are you ok? Your breathing heavy.”

Heath, “Yes here have some candy kanes.”

Liam, “No your ok they give me bad case of sugar rush.”

Heath, “Have one for old time sake.”

Liam, “Oh ok one won’t hurt will it? I really shouldn’t through.”

Heath, “Treat yourself It’s Christmas”

Liam, “Good job I have my wits about me now because if I wasn’t a smart little elf I would say your one of those RiverTrolls.”

Heath, “I am”

Liam bursts out laughing.

Liam, “Now that is a good joke.”

Charlie and Brax are kissing passionately under the mistletoe.

Charlie, “Oh I don’t know what it is about you to make me lose my good judgement, but you’re the hottest guy I have ever seen.”

Brax, “Hey how about we get out of here?”

Charlie, “Where do you want to go?”

Brax, “Are you fond of swamps?”

Charlie, “Hey what ever turns you on I say.”

Angelo walks slowly round confused. The reason he is so confused is that there is no sight of Charlie anywhere. It seems she has vanished. Angelo decides to go in search of her.

After what seems like forever looking for her in the cold billowing snow he is rather shocked when he is hit with a single snowball. Angelo turns to try and locate where the snowball had came from.

Snowman, “Hey Angelo”

Angelo turns towards the voice only to see a blanket of white.

Snowman, “I said Angelo”

Angelo, “Who’s there?”

Snowman, “It’s me”

Angelo watches as a large pile of snow transforms itself into a figure of what looks to be a snowman.

Angelo, “What the hell?”

Snowman, “Hey long time no see.”

Angelo, “I don’t think we have met.”

Snowman, “Oh come on Angelo you remember me surely?”

Angelo, “Yeah sure I built you last Christmas I think.”

Snowman, “No silly I cant believe you don’t remember me. I mean you killed me shot me in fact.”

Angelo, “Er no I can say without a shadow of a doubt I have never killed any talking snowmen, now who are you?”

Snowman, “Jack of course.”

Angelo, “Jack?”

Jack, “That’s right.”

Angelo, “Jack? Jack who?”

Jack, “Jack Holden.”

Angelo, “JACK HOLDEN?”

Jack, “Yep that would be me, well seeing Belle brought me back with her magic fairly dust and I have been in witness protection ever since.”


Jack, “So it would seem.”

Angelo, “Jack Holden oh my.”

Jack, “Yes but I no longer go by that name.”

Angelo, “So what is your name now?”

Jack, “Jack”

Angelo, “Jack?”

Jack, “Jack Frost.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys for the feedback.

Hope you like this

I will post the last chapter tomorrow.

Mary, “Oh my Joe this is good isn’t it? We get a nice size cheap bag of popcorn.”

Joseph, “Tell me about it this is just like being a big footie match but the players have long sharp swords instead of balls.”

Mary, “They still have balls dear.”

Joseph, “Yes your right about that Mary I don’t think I would have the balls to try and win a sword fight.”

Mary, “Well I must say I never thought for the life me I would be sending Christmas Eve watching a battle between a King and a Prince.”

Joseph, “Yes we sure won’t forget this wacky year in an hurry.”

Mary, “Joseph would you like some popcorn?”

Joseph, “Oh go on I……oh my is that guy called Miles selling hotdogs down there? I have got to get myself some.”

Joseph whistles loudly.

Miles turns a half eaten hotdog hanging from his mouth to see an over excited Joseph gesturing him over.

Miles, “Let’s go Rabbit we have a customer.”

Rabbit, “That’s good it will stop you devouring all our profit.”

Miles, “Hey young lady don’t be so cheeky. <y stomach tells me I’m hungry who am I to refuse it’s wishes?”

Rabbit, “Be stomach master you let young Jedi.”

Miles, “Yes Yoda er I mean Rabbit oh that reminds me, I must ask King Xavier if I can watch his Star Wars boxsets.”

Rabbit sighs shaking her head.

Miles, “Would you like a hotdog sir?”

Joseph, “I sure would”

Miles, “Would you like ketchup?”

Joseph, “Yep sprit it on I say my word those sausages look nice and juicy.”

Miles, “Ah these are the finest Greek sausages you see.”

Joseph Greek? I don’t think I have ever tried Greek food have you ever tired Greek?”

Miles looks across at Kitchen Wench Leah who is busy servings drinks and blushes.

Miles, “Oh yes I have had Greek many times this week.”

Mary, “Oh you have a taste for it then?”

Miles, “Oh yes I can’t get enough.”

Down in the arena King Xavier is getting ready for his contest with Prince Stu.

King Xavier, “Oh wow I get to wear this armour?”

Knight Kim, “Er yes Xavier I mean Sire.”

King Xavier, “Cooooooooooooooool oh and thanks for sharpening my sword.”

Knight Kim, “Well we can’t have a king entering battle with a blunt sword now can we?”

King Xavier, “No way hey will there be loads of girls watching?”

Knight Kim, “I would imagine so Xav er Sire but what about Queen Sasha?”

King Xavier, “Yeah I like her but she’s a right pain in the butt sometimes by the way have you since her today?”

Knight Kim, “Not since she went to buy bubble bath because Miles keeps using it all.”

Joseph, “Hey did you just…….”

Miles, “What?”

Joseph, “Start my hotdog I put it down next to me and now half of it has been eaten.”

Miles, “Nope wasn’t me.”

Joseph, “Then where has half of it gone?”

Miles, “Must have been Rabbit she’s naughty like that sometimes.”

Joseph, “Who?”

Mary, “His imaginary friend remember?”

Miles, “Sorry about that.”

Joseph folds his arms grumbling.

Miles turns round to the empty spot beside him and starts to shake his fist most vigorously.

Miles, “Now Rabbit please do stop hopping over to Joseph’s seat to pinch his hotdog will you or it’s no more carrots for you.”

Rabbit, “Oh Miles stop being so boring.”

Miles, “RABBIT”

Mary, “Dear can we move seats?”

Joseph, “I would but there’s so much leg room here not to mention some very fine looking cheerleaders. Who jump up and down every time someone gets a good strike in with their sword.”

Mary, “So you fancy them cheerleaders more than me do you?”

Joseph, “OF CORUSE NOT, you are and always will be my sex kitten for life.”

Miles, “May I just say Rabbit says she will stop stealing your hotdog now as she says there’s too much ketchup on it anyway.”

Meanwhile down in the arena Xavier awaits his rival, sat just behind him on two royal cushions are King John and Queen Gina.

King John, “Now remember do not start crying if you break a nail.”

Queen Gina, “John you make it sound like his a wimp.”

King John, “Gina my love I am only wishing him luck in man’s code we are bonding.”

Queen Gina, “Xav it’s ok if you give in you still have the HSC to do.”

King Xavier thanked the two toads for their quite unless advice and he walked into the middle of the arena his eyes narrowed as he saw Prince Stu.

Western stand off music begin to play provided by Knight Kim.

King Xavier and Prince Stu circled each other.

Prince Stu, “I bet you are wondering where your Queen Sasha is aren’t you?”

King Xavier, “Yes but I wont wonder for long as I will make you tell me.”

Prince Stu, “No need to wait to find out loser boy.”

Prince Stu holds his arm out to an large hanging bird cage hanging down from large pole.

Prince Stu, “Why thank you Bodie that pole must have been hard work to push in.”

King Xavier, “You Rivertrolls are everywhere.”


King Xavier, “Yes thank you for that Sash.”

Prince Stu, “Well take you best shot Sasha is mine not yours.”

King Xavier doesn’t hear much more of Prince Stu’s waffle, as he is thinking back to movies such as The Matrix and Star Wars, and with those thoughts Xavier moves like the wind past Prince Stu and has cut the long chain which is holding Sasha’s cage high in the air. After that Xavier progresses to cut the top of Prince Stu’s trousers causing them to fall down round his ankles.

Prince Stu is too busy bad mouthing Xavier to notice this that is until the laughter from the crowd starts.

King Xavier, “Oh dear there’s only one thing we can do with a loser like you Prince and that is to the stocks with you.”

Knight Kim grabs Prince Stu and places him in the stocks after he is done doing that he hands King Xavier a rotten tomato.

King Xavier grins as he hits Prince Stu right in the chops.

King Xavier, “Ah that was so cool Let’s try it again.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you too Danni02, Sarah Red Ranger 1,JoiseTash,Zetti and Carina for reading this and letting me know what you thought of it.

Here is the last chapter.

Chapter 9

Angelo staggers behind the big cheerful chatty snowman who was once his fellow work colleague.

Jack, “So tell me Angelo how is Martha is she alright?”

Angelo, “Oh you know she is doing what she does best.”

Jack, “Oh yes what is that?”

Angelo, “Being Martha.”

Jack, “Oh ok I guess that means she’s found someone else now?”

Angelo, “Oh yes”

Jack, “Who would that be?”

Angelo, “Oh let’s just say she likes to keep it in the family.”

Jack, “Oh dear snowballs don’t tell me she’s got with my Dad?”

Angelo, “TONY? Oh dear God no.”

Jack, “Lucas then?”

Angelo, “Jack give her some credit even through I’m shocked she never went there.”

Jack laughs until he starts to choke.

Angelo, “Oh take it easy you ok?”

Jack, “Yeah it’s only a snowball.”

Angelo, “Abit like a cat getting a fur ball you mean?”

Jack, “Exactly so who is this member of my family that my pole dancing wife is with now?”

Angelo, “Hugo”

Jack, “Hugo? I didn’t realise he would be her type.”

Angelo MM you wouldn’t think a witch would go for a goblin would you

Jack, “Hey I’m fine with you calling Hugo a Goblin but that wasn’t very nice calling Martha a witch now was it?”


Jack, “ANGELO”

In Jack’s annoyance of Angelo calling his wife a witch Jack pelts him with a load of snowballs.

Charlie suddenly has a strange thought as her and Brax pash each other.

Brax, “What is it what’s wrong?”

Charlie, “It’s just hit me why would a sooooo hot guy like you, be doing bringing a ex supermodel turned cop like myself back to a smelly wet swamp?”

Brax, “Oh you know wait did you just say you’re a ex supermodel turned cop?”

Charlie, “Yes”

Brax takes a quick look across the wet slimy room at Marilyn who is waving her hands over her crystal ball.

Marilyn, “Troll your missing your chance.”

Charlie, “Troll? Why did Marilyn call you that and what is she doing here?”

Brax, “Oh she must be angry with me because I didn’t take her advice when I was surfing. She said she would ask the sprits for the best surfing tips for me.”

Marilyn, “Brax you are missing it.”

Charlie, “What are you missing?”

Brax, “She must mean the decent waves.”

Marilyn, “No Christmas you dope.”

Brax, “Oh stop being silly woman I feel like all my Christmases have all come at once.”


Marilyn, “Stupid Troll”

Morag, “Roman come in”

Roman, “Morag?”

Morag, “Be ready we have a code red the Rivertrolls have managed to break into Santa’s Grotto.”

Roman, “I’m sorry I couldn’t stop them……………………..Big Friendly Aden I have met your little fairly friend like a hundred times now.”

Morag, “Is your giant abit distracted there?”

Roman, “You could say that he seems to have fallen for one of those Christmas fairies.”

Morag, “Well just try your best to stop anymore of those pesky Rivertrolls coming into the bay.”

Roman, “Will do…………..oh not again I KNOW SHE’S YOUR FRIEND…..”

Morag cuts the phone off shaking her head. She quickly looks across at the pole dancer who is distracting the Elves. Morag marches over to Martha and pulls her down from her dance pole.

Morag, “Martha I really think its about time you stop this.”

Martha, “Auntie Morag what are you doing here?”

Morag, “I’m here to see to it Christmas runs smoothly.”

Martha, “But if you are here does that mean Granddad is…..”

Morag, “I should hope so he is Santa.”

Martha, “Oh my I didn’t know that, If I would of known I would of never agreed to try and destroy Christmas.”

Morag, “Oh Martha you silly girl.”

Meanwhile in the nights sky Alf and Ric are having a somewhat interesting sleigh ride.

James, “Are we nearly there yet?”

Santa, “Yes”

James, “Oh goody”

Santa, “This flaming kid has been asking that every time we leave a flaming house.”

Ric, “Granddad don’t swear in front of him.”

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Santa, “YES, here how about some decent music instead of this utter rubbish on the sleigh’s radio, it might help drown his annoying are we nearly there questions out.”

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Ric, “Er this isn’t the radio Granddad.”

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Santa, “It must be I would never be caught listening to flaming rubbish like this normally.”

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Ric, “No I think your find this is Liam Murphy’s music he downloaded to your IPod.”

Santa, “Oh flaming hell it’s hurting my ears.”

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Santa, “Turn it off”

Ric, “Er I can’t seem to turn it off ,that tone deaf elf of yours seems to have disabled the touch screen function on your IPod Granddad.”


James, “Are we nearly there?”

Ric, “I can’t don’t you remember Bianca is following us with her safety net forceflied just in case we drop any presents.”

Alf lets a loud moan.

Irene, “What’s the matter darl am I going the wrong way.?”

Ric, “No Irene your being a very clever reindeer its just Granddad is getting abit of a headache.”

Irene, “Oh ok darl I just thought I was talking to Barry too much we have really hit it off. His son Kim is a knight you know?”

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Santa, “Oh I just can’t take this howling Liam calls singing anymore.”

At the back of the sleigh Dex and April sit watching an odd kind of wigging in Santa’s sack.

Dex, “Er Santa have you forgot to drop the pet presents off?”

April, “I hope he hasn’t that would be animal cruelty.”

Santa, “Of I flaming haven’t I dropped them off first.”

Dex, “Er in that case has Colleen Claus somehow snuck on broad your sleigh? Because there is something wriggling round in your sack here.”

Ric, “That would be a shocker for you Granddad to have Colleen pop out of your sack.”

Dex, “Well I wouldn’t be too surprised for her to have followed you. I hear she’s a very smart woman.”

Alf took a quick slurp of his beer he had hid in his handy in hat cup holder which had been smartly designed by Nicole.

Jo, “BOOO only me.”

James, “It’s ok Santa it’s not Mrs Claus it’s Jo my sister.”

Santa, “Oh great another flaming child to give me ear ache.”

Jo, “Are we nearly there?”

Ric laughed as he watched Alf turn a slight shade of red.

Santa, “Oh my poor head and if I hear that question one more time…..”

Roman and Big Friendly Aden watched the big group of Rivertrolls as they gathered at the borderline between Summer Bay and MangoSwamp. Each of them holding a surfboard now turned hoverbroad thanks to Martha.

Big Friendly Aden, “Woooooooooo tasty trolls.”

Roman, “Looks like they will try and attack Santa in the air, I will shoot them down and you can try and catch them in your mouth how does that sound big guy?”

Belle, “No don’t hurt them I’m sacred.”

Big Friendly Aden, “Belle no worry Big Friendly Aden will make friends with Trolls. Then we can all play together.”

Belle, “YAY”

The Rivertrolls looked across at Roman.

Bodie, “Er Heath?”

Heath, “Yes?”

Bodie, “Where’s Brax? I mean he is our leader.”

Heath, “He seems to have moved on from conquering Christmas.”

Bodie, “What’s he conquering now?”

Heath, “Supermodels turned policewomen. He said not to go back to the swamp for a few hours. so what is a better way of killing time than killing Santa?”

Bodie, “Well I guess it’s something to pass the time.”

Heath, “Yep considering I’m the only one who seems interested in destroying Christmas. Now that Martha has lost interest in it just because her Granddad is Santa.”

Meanwhile up in the air Alf is suffering from a banging headache and it’s not just because of all the beer he has drank.

James, “Are we nearly there?”

Jo, “Yeah Santa are we are we?”

Santa, “Oh Flaming hell these kids are turning me potty not to mention this flaming dribble excuse for music.”

Ric, “Granddad you can put the sleigh into auto pilot if you want.”

Irene, “Oh yes do that please darl my legs are tired from all this kicking and Barry wants to share a carrot with me.”

Santa, “Fine Ric will unhook the reindeer I will active the infuriate stable at the back of the sleigh……………………….”

Just then the sleigh is rammed by a Rivertroll’s hoverbroad.

Rivertroll, “HA TAKE THAT.”

Ric, “Quick Granddad bring out the cannons it’s the Rivertrolls.”

Santa, “Cannons? I have flaming cannons?”

Ric, “YES”

Alf looked down at his operating keypad he used to control the sleigh and was very surprised to see all the buttons were labelled. He had never noticed that before his eyes quickly scanned the buttons, within seconds he had pressed the desired button he pulled his finger back giving it a quick flick the little drops of turkey casserole flavoured gravy were sent soaring through the night’s air.

Santa, “Flaming hell Ric how much of Colleen’s casserole did you actually get in your mouth, its all over the sleighs controls……..”

Alf turned as he heard two flaps at the back of the sleigh open he watched with a smile spreading across his face as two small cannons came out of the two open flaps.

Bodie, “Er Heath it seems Santa’s sleigh has been pimped.”

Heath was too distracted to hear Bodie’s comment as he watched Bianca fly past on her broomstick. Her long flowing blonde hair gently blowing in the night’s air.

Bianca, “Are you in need of some help Santa?”

Alf jumped a foot in the air as the a big cannonball was fired out of the cannon knocking some very cocky and annoying Rivertrolls far below.

Big Friendly Aden, “Hey look Belle we have some new friends to play with.”

Belle, “Oh goody I will sprinkle some fairy dust on them to make them smell nice.”

Meanwhile back in the air Heath had seemed to forget what he was doing as he flies in a somewhat dream state towards the blonde haired witch Bianca. Who is sat crossed legged upon her broomstick while she beckons Heath towards her.

Bianca, “Well, Well what is a sexy hot man like you doing up here with all these nasty smelly Rivertrolls?”

Heath, “Because I am……….”

Heath quickly looks down remembering he no longer looks like a troll because of Martha’s magical tattoo.

Heath, “Er I’m chasing after Santa.”

There are several more Rivertrolls sent flying down to the ground to become Big Friendly Aden and Belle’s new friends, as Alf releases from the front of the sleigh two uzi’s


April, “Are you killing them?”

Ric, “Naa the bullets and cannonballs are only big sugar balls they will be drunk on happiness when they hit the ground.”

Meanwhile back with Heath and Bianca.

Bianca, “Why are you chasing after Santa on a hoverbroad of all things that are very much like the Rivertrolls?”

Heath, “I was kidnapped by those trolls because they were jealous of my hotness. I was on the way to deliver my Christmas list to Santa when they jumped me. I managed to escape on one of their hoverbroads.”

Heath was taken back for a second because of how smart he had just sounded he hoped it would carry on for a long time to come.

Bianca grabbed hold of him pulling him onto her broomstick.

Bianca, “I know you are lying but I don’t care if you are a troll I just love bad boys I can compare you along side my friend Charlie’s hot troll see she has just text me a picture of him and I can say your waaaaaaaaaaay hotter.”

Just then Roman shoots into the sky trying his best to hit some of the Rivertrolls. But hits Alf ‘s sleigh. as Alf struggles to gain control of it again black billowing smoke cause everyone one of the Rivertrolls to crash to the ground.


Roman, “Sorry my bad”

After the ordeal of his battle in the sky with the Rivertroll’s and having his sleigh destroyed by Roman. Alf walked slowly into his Grotto to be met by his granddaughter Martha.

Martha, “Granddad you never told me you was Santa I would of never tried to destroy you if I had known.”

Santa, “Well who did you think I was the flaming Easter bunny?”

Just then Angelo came running in.

Angelo, “Martha look who I have found.”

Everyone looked at Angelo confused.

Dex, “Yeah you found a snowman.”

Angelo, “Not any snowman a talking one.”

Jack lifted his black hat off his snowy head.

Jack, “Hello there Martha.”

Martha, “Do I know you?”

Jack, “it’s me Jack.”

Martha, “Ok Angelo is that Charlie dressed as a snowman?”

Angelo, “No Charlie is too busy getting it on with a smelly Rivertroll right now so I have been told.”

Martha, “Jack?”

Jack, “Yes I’m just going to come out and say this I still want to be with you.”

Martha, “Well I can’t see how it could work I mean I am with Hugo now.”

Hugo the Goblin, “YEAH SO GO AWAY FROSTLY.”

Martha, “Wait could I be with the both of you? Because after all I do like the idea of being with you and your cousin it just sort of turns me on.”

Jack, “As I am melting here I’m just going to say yes but make sure you come and visit me in the arctic.”

Martha, “Oh no way it is way too cold to come there. Let’s just agree to meet next Christmas how does that sound?”

Jack, “Oh have you just give me the cold shoulder?”

Martha, “Ha, Ha good one. Jack did you think I would run happily into your arms again when you came in here declaring you were in fact not dead but in fact a snowman. If I ran into you arms now I would most likely get frost bite.”

Jack, “Oh Martha you are so sexy when you’re hiding the true fact that you do indeed still love me.”

Martha, “Oh who am I fooling?”

Martha runs to Jack and gives him a huge hug as soon as they touch they instantly freeze togrther.

Everyone, “Aww how sweet.”

Santa, “Sweet? What are you all awing at? My granddaughter’s a flaming frozen statue with her snowman of a husband.”

Morag, “Oh Alfred please they will thaw out next Christmas at least their back together now.”

The next day Brax Heath’ Casey and the rest of the Rivertrolls along with Hugo the Goblin are stood before King Xavier and Queen Sasha.

King Xavier, “For the crimes of trying to kill Santa I banish you all from the land of Summer Bay back to MangoSwamp with you.”

Queen Sasha, “Oh Xavier I must say you are sounding very masterful.”

King Xavier, “Why thank my Queen.”

King John, “Well Xavier now I am once again human I…..”

King Xavier, “Would you like your throne back?”

King John, “Oh no I think your doing a fine job. I will go a run the Summer Bay’s Surf Club it must be easier than running an kingdom.”

Queen Gina, “Oh I don’t know men always taking the easy option.”

Queen Sasha, “Would you like to run the kingdom with Xavier Mrs Palmer?”

King Xavier, “Oh no please don’t say yes.”

Queen Gina, “No Xavier seeing I am a excellent nagger I will be going to Mango Swamp too try and keep those annoying Rivertrolls in line. Plus I can keep an eye on Hugo he is a very naughty boy indeed.”

Back in Mango Swamp Brax and Heath sit grumbling while fortune teller Marilyn laughs at them

Marilyn, “Well that was just a laughable effort of trying to destroy Christmas don’t you think?”

Heath, “I think we did well I managed to pull a witch. Bianca what a beautiful name.”

Brax, “I got myself a ex Supermodel turned cop that I have conned into helping us escape moaning nagging Gina.”

Casey, “I got with a sexy little elf who happens to be the cop’s daughter.”

Brax, “Yeah with Heath having a powerful witch, me having a easily lead copper. And you having a elf in Santa Grotto, ruining Christmas next year will be a piece of cake.”

Marilyn, “Oh fine what are you going to do until next Christmas?”

Heath, “We could become the RiverBunnys.”

Casey, “The what?”

Heath, “You know like the Easter Bunnies we could destroy Easter.”

Brax, “Just shut up Heath.”

As for Christmas fairies Sally and Belle they did go to their Christmas fairly ball. Sally went with hobbit Flynn and Belle went with Big Friendly Aden which the rest of the fairies were very jealous of.

Joseph looked round at his family.

Joseph, “Well that was good wasn’t it?”

Mary, “Oh yes better than Lapland for sure.”

Joseph, “You can say that again. The cheapest holiday I have been on didn’t have to spend a penny what with being feed by a King and Queen for a week.”

Jo, “We met Santa and he swears a lot.”

James, “Yes but he is flaming happy galah.”

Mary, “JAMES.”

With that the family get into their car and drive past the come back to Summer Bay soon sign.

Colleen, “Well Alf did you enjoy spreading the Christmas joy once again?”

Santa, “Colleen I’m flaming retiring next year.”

Colleen, “Oh Alf you say that every year.”

The End.


Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.