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Right Here Waiting

Guest suzannelgnz

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Story Title: Right Here Waiting

Type of story: One Shot

Main Characters: Rachel and Tony

Genre: Drama/Angst

Does story include spoilers: No

Any warnings: No

BTTB Rating: G

Summary: Fic from Rachel’s perspective, talking about Tachel’s healing process after the sudden murder of Jack.

Song-Right Here Waiting- Richard Marx.

To think that the happiness that Tony and I had after finding out that we were finally going to be parents was to be crushed by just a spur of the moment decision and a freak accident, was something we had never anticipated as a couple. The weeks following Jack’s death seem like a blur now, although I still remember how my hormones were all over the place especially when Day after Day, Night after Night, nothing seemed to help either of us cope.

Although I felt like I had to put a brave face on for Tony, deep down I felt like things just weren’t going to get any better. Especially when he started to act so differently around me. He just kept making excuses to stay away, and to me, it felt like we were so far apart that there were thousands of kilometres of water between us.

Oceans apart day after day

And I slowly go insane

Those words seemed to describe how far apart we both were from reality. And the way in which Tony started to behave did start to eat away at me. That combined with my hormones being all over the place really did start to drive me insane. I was just so paranoid of losing him and I just hated it.

What was to happen next began to hurt me even more, as I dialled your number.

I hear your voice on the line

Although I only ever seemed to hear the “It’s Tony Holden.... Please leave your name and number after the tone and I’ll call you as soon as I can”. But knowing that it was only thing I seemed to continually hear definitely did not help.

But it doesn't stop the pain

Hearing that message over and over again seemed to give me the same feeling of despair that you get when find out something really bad has happened. It just made me feel sick with fear. All the things that were so important to me were falling like bowling pins do as they get hit by a ball. To lose Jack, then to have all the other problems I’ve had to already deal with this year, and now to have to worry all day every day about Tony. Especially since he seemed to never be around.

If I see you next to never

How can we say forever

I thought that being there for Tony, helping him as much as I could was one of the best things that I could do. Tony also had his friends, and other family members supporting him. But it seemed like none of that mattered, He wouldn’t reach out for help, and when I tried to reach out to him, it was as if we were doing a tug of war. I knew deep down, that we both wanted to go back to being in that safe haven we were in before all of this caved in on us. Our love for each other had become stronger and stronger and we definitely were considering getting married sooner rather than later, partly because I was pregnant, and partly because we thought that nothing was going to get in our way. No matter how big that barrier was, we’d find a way through and that we wouldn’t take wouldn’t take every opportunity for granted. We cherished each moment we had with Jack because of what had happened to him in the past, and with him being a police officer, anything could happen. And it did....

I took for granted, all the times

That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can't get near you now

Both of us had an incredibly special relationship with Jack, and although it was different considering He was your Son and best Mate, whereas for me he was a really good friend and flatmate. None of that changed when we made that transition from friends to lovers. Jack was always going to be that person to tell first, the one that was there when he was needed, and he helped us through some extremely difficult times. Over the time that we were able to spend together, we definitely shared a lot of laughs, sometimes we’d share so many, that we would start to feel tears falling down our faces. However not every tear that was shed were ones of happiness, and when we all had times like that, we were always there as a form of security for one another. Lately though, we’ve been having tears stream down our faces but they have been far from happy tears. Grief really does do strange things sometimes, but particularly for me as I also had hormones to deal with, which made things a lot more difficult. Wishing that the salty taste of tears would stop lingering, and that things would slowly return to normal was the most difficult thing to do, as my journey with Tony seemed to take one step forward, and then two back.

I wonder how we can survive

But in the end if I'm with you

I'll take the chance

What happened to our relationship as a result of Jack’s death did take a lot of time, and even more talking to fix, especially as there were times where there were major trust issues that I had with Tony, because of his behaviour. I felt like I had a lot of questions that I needed to ask Tony, and even though there were times where I thought I was going nowhere, we eventually managed to get through. This was mainly because I allowed myself to take a chance and believe that whatever Tony was up to, he was doing it as a healing thing, not because he felt like it was the only thing he could do. I just had to remember that he would come to me when it was right time for him, not a single second earlier, and not one later as he always knew that I would be there all day every day, and that nothing would ever change.

Wherever you go

Whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes

Or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

My darling Tony,

These past few weeks have been sheer hell, and I know you know this as much as I do, all I can say (and I know it will start to sound like a song which is never taken off repeat) is I’ll always be there for you. We have been together for over a year now, and we have certainly been on a bumpy journey, but we both know deep down that we will eventually get through this, and we will become stronger individuals. We still have a lot to look forward to this year, and in the future... our beautiful baby, who is definitely a symbol of everything we have been through, and maybe one day we’ll get married.

When you decide to make that next step, you know where I am, and that I’ll always be there

And I will always love you as much as I always have,

Your Rachel (and Peanut)



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