Jackieleanne Posted May 31, 2005 Report Share Posted May 31, 2005 Getting better with every chapter, however if you are looking to make the chapters flow more, maybe direct speech could be used, because it feels like a story sypnosis. But you have some great plots. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Posted May 31, 2005 Report Share Posted May 31, 2005 Chapter 24:Wedding bliss: Everyone is shocked about morags arrested especially alf. Robbie is going to make a full recovery and is coming out of hostpital today. Tasha comes up to his bed with flowers choclate and a magazine. Tasha then said i got a perfect idea. She then said Robbie marry me. What robbie replied. Marry me it is a simple question. Yes robbie answered. In two days tasha said. I will do it. Tasha and robbie then shared a passionate snog. Sally and Stacey got up and ruled the cell block. they kept on ruling the cell block the the governer of there cell block came along and said you do not want you setence to be added. Sally said Stacey when are you out of prison. five more days stacey replied. Stacey then thought of a brilliant idea Stacey: Sally Sally: What Stacey: When i get out you are going to get me a job at summer bay high school Sally was just shocked Stacey:then i will help you get out of this place Will sally give into staceys evil demands Kirsty and kane were talking about there future in summer ba. Kane then said i got it Kirsty: go on Kane:how abut we buy out our share of the diner Kirsty:then Kane: put the money towards k.j Kirsty:brilliant idea kane:i will get on the phone now Meanwhlie matilda has came home and found that dan baker has moved in her house alongside leah. Late at Night dan and matilda were talking. Matilda: it was a so horrible seige was it dan Dan: Luckily nobody died Matilda: i will make you die Dan: What Matilda: with passion Matilda then kisses dan but dan does not tell her to stop... NEXT TIME:TASHAS HEN NIGHT GETS TWO ARRIVILS WHICH DEFENTLY ARE TO CREATE A TWIST, SALLY HAS TO MESS WITH FILES TO GET STACEY THE JOB AT THE SCHOOL, KIRSTY AND KANE GET A MESSAGE FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE AND MATILDA AND DAN BEGIN AN AFFAIR... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted June 3, 2005 Report Share Posted June 3, 2005 After a quick look at your fan fic I can see you have some great ideas for stories. As other's have said, try using direct speech and quotations rather than a running commentary. Maybe if you extend the chapter's a bit you can use some more descriptive language to create more scenes. There is a lot of drama and events which make it interesting to read because you don't know what is going to happen next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Posted June 3, 2005 Report Share Posted June 3, 2005 chapter 25:back from the dead: sally goes into the libray at lunchtime in the prison and goes on the computer with stacey. sally: ok im in stacey:ok now go into top secret files sally:yes stacey:right add file sally: got it saly and stacey were nearly caught by the prison guard on duty but they manage to keep it under rapes. matilda woke up beside dan matilda:that was good fun dan:yes i know then leah knocked on the door leah: matilda are you up matilda: quick hide leah comes in matilda: hi leah: have you seen dan matilda:no leah:ok see you later leah shuts the door and dan comes from up the bed kirsty and kane go to the cemetery to find kirstys grandads and grandmas tomb they were looking round when they saw a person at someones grave kirsty: oh my god look kane: what kirsty and kane were just shocked when they saw sarah lewis looking at sarah lewis grave kirsty:why is she alive kane and kirsty are just shocked and they go back to the bay tasha and robbie celebrated their last night of freedom but tasha and robbies world is about to be turnt upside down tasha is celebrating in the beach house when she hears a knock at the door tasha goes to answer it when she gets the shock of her life tasha:i'll get it tasha opens the door josie:hello tasha im back and this is your sister holly holly:how do you tasha tasha is just shaken up NEXT TIME:THE WEDDING HAS ARRIVED BUT THERE IS MORE SHOCKS STILL TO COME HOLLY AND TASHA FIND OUT THAT IAN IS DEAD AND THAT IT WAS JOSIE WHO KILLED HIM, A BITCH FIGHT WILL ROBBIE AND TASHA MAKE IT DOWN THE ALISE AND A SHOCKING DISCOVERY BY KIRSTY AND KANE... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pacer Posted June 4, 2005 Report Share Posted June 4, 2005 WOW.. interesting fic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Chapter 26:crash the wedding: Tasha woke up to find holly (her long lost sister) and josie (her missing aunt) on the settie preparing for tashas big day. Kirsty and kane about what they saw but is sarah really back from the dead there was only one way to find out by going to the cemertery were they found her alongside maxwell. Holly ordered a limo for tasha's wedding and she cuddle her sister for the first time. tasha was telling holly and josie the latest gossip. Josie: sally got arrested for murdering dalton and morag's mad monday Tasha: that is what the other kids made up At the church robbie has been there 10 minutes. The limo has arrived. Tasha got out in her sparkling white perel dress and josie walked down the ailse with her. they were talking about gossip earlier in the limo and whlie walking down the alise josie let something slip that will change tashas and hollys lives forever Josie:a murdered your dad (mumbled) Tasha:you did what Josie:nothing Tasha:no you said murder my dad you evil little twisted bitch Tasha slaps josie and brings her outside of the church. holly then said let me do it you need to marry robbie before it is to late. Tasha ran down the ailse and cuddle robbie. They then got married. Afterwards when they got out of the church tasha said to holly where is josie. holly then replied she is not coming back to summer bay forever. then the after party began. Kirsty and Kane saw sarah again much to maxwells shock then when she went they looked at the gravestone it said this Noah Lawson but why was the so called sarah lewis looking at the grave... NEXT TIME: IS SARAH REALLY STILL ALIVE, HOLLY AND IRENE BECOME LOGGERHEADS, MATILDA AND DAN RESUME THERE AFFAIR AND SUMMER BAY HIGH REOPENS WITH A SHOCKING NEW TEACHER... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackieleanne Posted June 6, 2005 Report Share Posted June 6, 2005 Good work, its improving with each post. Sorry I havent been able to reply untill now only just got on the computer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Posted June 7, 2005 Report Share Posted June 7, 2005 Chapter 27: Is she: Kirsty told hayley where the so called sarah was and hayley was furious. Meanwhlie kane and maxwell were hiding in kirstys grandparents tomb oppisite noah lawsons grave. Holly and irene and becoming loggerheads over Tasha, Holly: What happens if tasha gets pregnat Irene: I will deal with it Holly: Im her sister Irene: Well im her mother Holly: No angie is her mother Irene: Oh yes Holly: Just watch out irene Holly walks off and irene is just surprise could Holly be the new long term bitch of summer bay. Meanwhlie summer bay reopened today with Mr barry hyde to cut the rope and he made a sppech before he did Barry: Were looking to the future now Barry cut the rope fireworks exploded in front of the school matilda and dan kissed and then a car arrived with stacey in now know as miss buxton. Kane and maxwell were getting board when they spotted a women who looked like sarah at noahs grave they ran out the tolmb and tried to caputure sarah. Maxwell got her leg but sarah tried to escape with the use of kane. she got a gun out of her pocket and said let me go and i wont hurt kane. Maxwell let her go she ran out in the road then hayley pulled her break and ran out to get sarah not relising she had the gun. she attacked sarah but then sarah said let me go im sarah lewis's twin katie buxton everyone was shocked. NEXT TIME:IS THERE A RELATION BETWEEN KATIE BUXTON AND STACEY BUXTON, TASHA AND ROBBIE ARE BACK WITH A BOMBSHELL BUT HOLLY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO RUIN IT AND SUMMER BAY DINER REOPENS WITH A STAGGERING NEW LOOK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackieleanne Posted June 7, 2005 Report Share Posted June 7, 2005 Good chapter, Interesting work, its getting better as each chapter comes along, good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Posted June 8, 2005 Report Share Posted June 8, 2005 Chapter 28: Baby bombshell: Tasha and robbie came back to the beach house today with a major surprise up there sleeve but what. Everyone was shocked that they had catch katie buxton but then when barry heard he said stacey your sister has been arrested stacey was shocked but are they related. Stacey went down the police station and saw katie and went Stacey: that is not my sister Katie: i know im not your sister stacey: so whos sister are you Katie: Noah Lawson Everyone in the room went slient as katie reavealed that secret that will change summer bay lives forever. Everyone was gathered outside when alf cut the rope to the summer bay diner 3000. When people took a look inside they were amazed that the work they done to it golden everything and then at the diner tasha and robbie made a shock annoucement, Robbie: can i have your attention please Tasha: We have something to tell you all everyone: what Tasha: me and robbie are going to have a baby Alf: congratulations Everyone cuddle and kiss robbie and tasha whlie holly was sitting at a table in the diner with some drugs in her hand looking at tasha what is holly about to do now... NEXT TIME: KATIE AND HAYLEY HAVE A CATFIGHT ON THE BEACH AND OVER NOAH, STACEY GETS SALLY OUT OF PRISON WITH AN UNIPPECABLE LIE AND HOLLY IS ABOUT TO BREAK THE LAW WHEN 2 FACES FROM THE PAST CATCH UP WITH HER... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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