Clawing at Your Broken Back

[Red Ranger 1]

Good words. Those are where ideas come from. Maybe, just maybe, Evie's starting to move away from those dark thoughts. She's listening, which she wasn't before. Perhaps that's where it starts.

[D.B]

On 21/07/2021 at 02:56, Red Ranger 1 said:

Good words. Those are where ideas come from. Maybe, just maybe, Evie's starting to move away from those dark thoughts. She's listening, which she wasn't before. Perhaps that's where it starts.

Thanks Red, though I can't claim credit for all of it, especially when I got most of my information from extremely helpful websites and watched shows such as the West Wing (it's really good by the way) to help construct my writing. I felt now was the good time for encouraging dialogue, especially to make Evie actually think about the situation. I always want to be careful when using dialogue and descriptions like that, because I have no intention of glorifying or romanticising mental health, but rather use stuff to give a good description of what goes on in the head of a person who experiences these difficulties and to make the reader think about it- at least that's what I was hoping for anyway. And sometimes we don't need a dramatic revelation for someone to break free of these dark thoughts- sometimes all that is needed are simple questioning and prompting.

Of course the struggle isn't over for Evie yet, she still hasn't let those thoughts go either, because to her just the fact that she survived and Oscar didn't makes it all seem worthless anyway, and it's never as easy as convincing someone that it wasn't their fault (hence why there's more focus on trying to get Evie to try and see point in her life and forgive herself in order for her to see it wasn't her fault) and Nadia doesn't know even now the full extent of what's going on. I didn't want to have all the issues exposed and talked about in a single chapter, because trying to do that would just be overwhelming for both the characters and myself, and each issue needs to be taken one at a time, but, hey, it's a start!

[D.B]

Descriptions of suicidal feelings, panic attacks and violence in prison in this chapter (all hopefully realistic enough based on my research). Don't read it if any of it makes you feel uncomfortable for your own sakes, otherwise, enjoy. 

Chapter 17

Evie heard the door open and she didn’t even bother in hiding the deep breath she took before she looked towards Zac as he slowly walked towards her. She had asked Nadia to ask him if she could speak with him, but she was so afraid of what would happen if she actually decided to open up about everything. How would Zac feel? What if she ended up hurting him even more?

She had ask Nadia that and the answer she gave wasn’t as encouraging as Evie had hoped to be: It’ll hurt him to hear what you’ve been feeling, but he knows this already, and he’ll want to hear as much as you’ll let him all the same. There’s no easy way around this, you’ll both end up hurting, but if you take this route, I can tell you from experience you’ll be able to stop hurting.

Evie knew Nadia was probably right, but she didn’t like that answer. It felt as though no matter what she did, she would end up hurting Zac regardless. She didn’t want that for him, she didn’t want him or anyone else to hurt as much as they already had. She wanted that route that would avoid any hardship for him. She still remembered the look on his face when she admitted what she had done, (or what she thought she- no, she couldn’t convince herself otherwise) and saw, even when trying to keep her face together, how Zac’s own face crumble itself. He had the look of someone standing on the edge of a cliff, hoping that what he had thought wasn’t, by some miracle wasn’t true. It was Evie who had pushed him off-

Her brain entirely froze at that metaphor, because her memory flashed back to those times she stood or sat on the edge of the cliff of the lighthouse, a place used for solitude or wonder so many times before, only those times were just her wondering whether or not she herself would jump off, those moments when her entire being tethered on whether or not to give into that urge, even bleakly wondering how far she would fall. She would have to tell someone about that, probably, but… she didn’t know how to tell anyone about that urge, the feelings that overcame her, not even Nadia. She didn’t want to leave anyone with only half-hearted explanations that would ultimately change nothing.

Nadia would want her to at least try, encouraging her that a chance to do better and to have another chance of life was something worth trying at. Evie, though she didn’t fully admit that to Nadia, wasn’t really convinced. The thought of ruining that chance and not making anything better for anyone remained strong in her mind, especially if she didn’t deserve it. If she didn’t, then as far as Evie was concerned, then the entire point was moot, because she still remembered there were others who deserved it more than she did. The entire idea of it seemed so… not impossible, but too exhaustible to try. She knew it wasn’t fair for Zac, she hated the idea of leaving him or anyone else, but he shouldn’t want her to try, she was so sure he’d be better off without her. She remembered when she and Oscar-

She couldn’t even follow that thought, her head suddenly giving way to a massive headache as if to block her train of thought from even continuing. It was one of her best memories of him, but she couldn’t let herself think of it. Even that felt too good for her to reach out for it. Now that she thought about it… it was as if… all she could let herself think of was all the things she shouldn’t have done, how she let Oscar down, yet knowing and remembering all those good times but never focusing on them, as if those moments never really happened…

“How are you feeling?” Zac’s cautious voice broke Evie out of her thoughts, causing her to turn to him. It was a harmless question, and Evie felt as though he couldn’t think of anything other to say, but she still tried to ignore how hopeless the question that sounded. What did he expect her to say? She couldn’t think why that was relevant to him? He ought to be talking to her about everything she had done, how she hurt everyone…

“Awful,” she muttered. Part of her screamed at her to tell him something other, something that would be more encouraging, but the other part of her didn’t want to give him anything that felt like false hope, so where did that leave other than the truth? Well, the truth was that for some strange reason, she felt slightly less awful than she had not long ago. Her talk with Nadia had left her thinking a lot, a break from the cycle of negativity that had been controlling her breath for so long, but it still left her with so much anxiety, despair and worry, because what if it didn’t matter if Nadia was right or wrong? What if Evie could still bring misery and ruin to everyone she still loved? What if she was still to blame for Oscar and Hannah’s death? What if she still set off all these events- the possibility remained. And not being able to do anything while your twin gets--- the one person you can’t imagine your life without gets killed and there was nothing you can do? “I… I spoke to Nadia and… and I guess I’m thinking stuff completely different, but… but I don’t know if it will change anything. And I know that things can’t go on… I’ve said it before, but things need to change… I have to change, for real this time.”

“I’ll help,” Zac replied, without a moment of hesitancy or forcedness evident in his voice. “Evie, you are one of the most intelligent people I know, but something like this can never be done alone. I can see it, Evie, I can see now how much all of this is taking its toll on you. It’s…” his voice shuddered for a moment before he could muster the bravery to continue, reminiscent of a sailor about jump off a sinking ship: “It’s killing you.”

Evie gave a bitter sigh. “It doesn’t matter, none of it matters. I don’t… I don’t want to make it anyone else’s problem.”

“Evie, that’s not what this is about,” Zac insisted softly, struggling to maintain his composure as he lifted his hand to hold onto Evie’s hands, which were crunched up against the middle of her chest. From there, Zac felt Evie’s heartbeat, and even that sounded so weary to him. It was just like when he saw her the night before- if it hadn’t been for Evie’s monitor right beside him when he was waiting for her to wake up, all giving the encouraging ‘all clear’ signs, Zac would have collapsed from the fear of it all. “This is about me figuring out how to help you. You don’t have to give me any explanations, I… I wouldn’t have judged you. I know you wanted to handle things on your own… you’ve always been like that, but sometimes it’s better not to bear it all by yourself. Me, Leah, we’d be happy to share your problems. Maybe I wasn’t there for as often as I thought I was, or understood you as much as you needed me to be, but I’ll do better, Evie, I promise.”

Evie looked over at him, her eyes looking so distant and distracted. Then suddenly, for a ghastly moment, the corner of her mouth uplifted quickly for a moment, as if she was just about to burst into a laugh- a bitter, hopeless laugh. “Jesus… Zac… out of all the things… don’t you see.. this is why I’m no good, this is why you’re far better off without me anywhere near you…”

“What do you mean?” Zac asked slowly, horror etching it’s way into his voice.

Evie shook her head and laid back down against the bed. “I wanted to kill myself, and you think you did something wrong.”

Knowing it was one thing- hearing it said so starkly, in a soft, resigned voice as if she was awaiting it, made Zac’s whole body felt as though it wanted to topple against itself. Evie lost herself in a place so bleak and so dark that Zac couldn’t even imagine winding up in himself, not even on the most bleakest of days in his life.

And the way she admitted it… living without Evie, his family, sounded like a merciless nightmare, but hearing such a blatant disregard for her own life was unnerving.

The grim humour left Evie as soon as she came and her face was filled with regret. “I… I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have said that…”

“It’s okay…” Zac murmured, not sure if he believed it himself. Nothing in this situation was okay, but Zac realised that he needed to find out why, find out more. Having Evie confirm it, in a way more than just on a piece of paper, meant a lot, and though the way she confirmed it was brutal, it was at least honest. Zac could help her find a way back, a way for her to express all of this in a more healthier way, a way that wouldn’t hurt either of them.

And because the thought was ingrained in his head, and he knew he had to ask it eventually or never, he tentatively (not tentatively- meekly), asked, “Would you… would you try to do it again?”

When Evie looked back at Zac, there thankfully was no look of grim humour. She was deep in thought, her eyes glazed over in indecisiveness and fear.

“I… I don’t know,” Evie admitted, and was surprised to find it was the truth. Even if she felt she ought to do it, she didn’t know if she would. She didn’t know how to even begin to explain any of this, but she knew, however much she didn’t like it, no matter how much Zac didn’t like it, she couldn’t avoid talking about it. She wrote it in a letter for him, he could very well read the signs, Evie couldn’t expect him not to talk about it. “I don’t even know if even… this,” she gestured to the bed she was in, “didn’t happen… if I would have done it.” And the confused look on Zac’s face prompted her, from an urge she didn’t know was there, to explain. “I…I don’t plan to do it Zac, I don’t just wake up and say ‘I’ll do it today’. It… it just happens…” she hesitated, not knowing if she could explain further, or should. But Zac only tightened his fingers around her clasped hands and somehow, that seemed like a sign for her to continue (despite her critic mocking her: You think this changes anything? You think Zac wants to hear any of this?). It wasn't easy to explain, but somehow she found words suitable enough to explain. 

“It’s as though something comes over me… an overwhelming crushing feeling that it’s all just pointless… and that there’s only one road… sometimes nothing has to happen… and, it’s all I can think about… it’s the only thing there and my brain is… it’s telling me just how… how easy it would be... maybe the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

Easy wasn’t even close to how Zac could describe this conversation, but he didn’t say anything not yet. This was as closest he ever got to Evie talking about her feelings, he won’t stop her. He couldn’t ignore the obvious words that weren’t being said: that yesterday wasn’t the only time she had thought of suicide. This had happened before.

“But then… I get… I don’t know paralysed… even when everything in my head is telling me to just…” she shook her head, focusing up at the ceiling above them, as if that would suddenly start showing the answers needed… “And I want to do it, but for some reason, I never do. That feeling doesn’t go away, but it’s no longer the only thing there.”

“But the letter…”

“I wrote it, because… so some reason I convinced myself that I would actually do it yesterday. I told myself that if I went… if I at least tried to make it up to Matt for not being there when I promised to… I could at least…” Evie frowned trying to make sense out of what she felt then, because she knew now what she didn’t then: that just because she thought she would have done it then, didn’t mean she would have. Evie had no idea whether or not she would have even give in to that urge- she wanted to say yes, but she didn’t know. Surely knowing at least she did something right would have made it easier for her to do it- wouldn’t it? “…at least I could end it, all of it, on a… a high note…”

She looked back to Zac and had to keep herself from visibly wincing at the look on his face. Her chest felt like she just inhaled smoke, filled with corrosive stuff, hollowing her insides out. It was something she couldn’t even begin to describe, but she knew this hurt him. She felt so stupid, she shouldn’t have said anything, she should have remembered opening the crack into her world him or anyone was going to upset him. She knew this particular subject would upset him… then why did she even talk about it?

The tears Zac blinked back were painful, burning things, yet somehow his voice was able to gather some sense of gentle encouragement he would give to a kid during a test. Maybe it was how he watched as Evie’s features fell as soon as she turned her head towards Zac, like she had just chocked down on a shot of vodka with all the burn and none of the buzz. So, very softly, he said the only thing he could think of:

“Thank you.”

Evie’s head shot up, her eyes blurring in a sense of alarm and rapid confusion. “For what? What could you possibly have to thank me for?”

“Because you told me. It may not be everything, but you talked to me about your problems. I’m really proud of you for that. You didn’t do it, Evie, that’s the important thing.” Zac thought that maybe it was a sign that she didn’t want to kill herself, but he didn’t say that. He didn’t know that for sure and he won’t say it until he knew for sure.

Evie, on the other hand, suddenly wasn’t in the mood for soft.

“So what am I supposed to do? Get stuck in that state over and over again?! Being completely hopeless?” Evie wasn’t shouting, but the strain in her gravelly voice was clear. “I don’t even know why I don’t do it, and yet… I keep going back. I keep going back to you and acting like I deserve your kindness! And at the same time, I was keeping it all hidden from you and that was hurting you! I didn’t realise too late how much I was hurting you, but… I had to keep it away, and it still made nothing better!” Evie felt as though there was more for her to say, but her voice got too scratchy for her to continue, resulting in her falling back on the bed again. She didn’t know how she could tell him anything else, all the other stuff. She knew he wouldn’t support her, no one would.

“Come on Evie, stay with me,” Zac encouraged her, holding onto her shoulder lightly to try and calm her down, noticing how she was beginning to lose focus. He knew what was eating away at her. She felt as though there was no other way she could have handled this, so she stuck with it, even when it must have seemed so pointless for her. His heart was breaking for her, because he knew that she was trying, but he was here now. He didn’t try enough at this angle, because he didn’t know it was necessary to convince Evie that they did love her, but he will try to do.

Evie didn’t realise she was having a panic attack until her eyes almost darkened from how dizzy she felt. Her breathing was… slow, but her insides tightened to an incredible degree that every breath felt like the last. A panic attack. She had experienced it before, so many times, but she could never put a name on it until she and Nadia talked about it…

“It was as if… I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move… couldn’t feel anything… every part of me was screaming to move, to do something, but my body was frozen… my…” Evie looked up at Nadia, uncertain if she should even talk about any of this, but the soft look in Nadia’s eyes seemed to set something off, made her continue. “My ears were ringing, and everything was blocked out…”

“Have you ever experienced something like that before?”

“What?”

“Have you ever experienced those moments? Stomach pounding, needing to take deep breaths, feeling as though your entire body is about to shut down?” Nadia prodded gently, before confirming, peering up to Evie, “Am I describing it correctly?”

Evie found herself nodding against every urge in her mind, wondering if she was just digging a bigger hole for herself. Then she wondered if it even mattered.

“Would you know what would cause it?”

Evie found it ridiculous that this was considered a problem, but... “I… I had moments when I hear a loud noise or suddenly I have trouble just breathing…everything just stops… I have trouble breathing but I get my breath back, but I don’t know how… I don’t know why… I don’t know why I lose control like that, or why to do it in public places…”

She felt awful the entire time talking about it, she hated talking about it, she shouldn’t be talking about herself, she shouldn’t make it just about herself…

“What you experienced, Evie, was an anxiety attack. As someone who experienced them when I was even younger than you are right now, it is an entirely normal thing.”

Evie looked up at that, her eyes desperately looking into Nadia’s as if searching for the truth or not. She felt so weak, so weak and stupid. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Nadia nodded, smiling softly. “Sometimes, things just overwhelm us, our physical strength tries to abandon us, and it all feels like it’s the end. When a person doubts themselves to such a degree, it can cause a severe assault on the mind, resulting in something like an anxiety attack. Sometimes all you can do is try get past it… but if you don’t get help for it, it will reach the point in which even if you try and wait for it to end, it won’t.  I’m thinking that was what happened tonight.”

“Would you…” Evie asked, before hesitating and stopping herself from going any further. She didn’t feel she deserved to ask for help.

“Would I know how to stop it?” Nadia filled in the rest of the sentence, to which Evie automatically and frantically nodded. “Well, I know several relaxing techniques and how to practice mindfulness, but that doesn’t necessary mean will make any of it stop, at least not for a while. It would help more if you had someone with you. If you tried to call someone, before it gets-”

“No,” Evie shook her head resolutely. She won’t let anyone see her like that, and she won’t let them waste time watching her look so pathetic.

“Evie, you can’t hide this forever. Not only can anyone be able to do that, with everything else going on, you will not be able to do it, but it will not fix anything. What happened yesterday, it could happen anywhere, and you will have to explain it.”

Evie shook her head, not saying anything… because even though she didn’t want to admit it, later she knew it was because there was nothing to say.

“It’s nothing to apologise for, Evie, because you don’t have any control over something like that. I find it extremely unlikely that you made yourself react like that. It’s just aftershocks you’re feeling, like tremors after a volcanic eruption.

Evie, you can’t be afraid of what they think. Take it from someone who experienced it, as embarrassing as the immediate aftermath is, it is not pathetic to let yourself be vulnerable.”

“I’m not afraid of how I’m going to be seen!” Evie insisted, her voice going incredibly shrill. Out of all the things she felt, fear was the last thing she was even close to feeling. She may be a thousand things- a liar, a coward, a brat, a selfish, good-for-nothing idiot who lived far long than she was suppose to- but fear? Fear wasn’t one of them. She wasn’t afraid, least all of something like Nadia was suggesting, she had nothing left to be afraid of.  

Nadia gave her a disbelieving look but didn’t comment on it. “Okay, let’s talk about your sleep… have you been sleeping well?”…

I’m not afraid of how I’m going to be seen. Well… Evie felt that was the truth, but being afraid in other cases… was she? She didn’t want to lose any of her remaining family and friends, wouldn’t she call that fear? She never admitted it because it wasn’t important, she didn’t want to admit her feelings mattered… but she knew deep down that fear had been a driving force for what she had done, even if it felt that it was what she was supposed to do. She was afraid of losing everyone else, but what if it was just more than life or death. What if she was afraid of losing them as family and friends. She felt that was true, she felt that she hide what was going on because not only to protect them, but also because she thought she would only drive them away. That was before she realised she ought to, that doing any other would make her like Josh, but what if that fear remained? She never admitted any of what was going on, of what she did to herself. Did that mean she was afraid for everything else as well, what the others thought?

“It just doesn’t seem to do any good,” Evie mumbled, her voice still incredibly strained. “No matter what I do, I’m just going to screw up and hurt people. Even if not talking about what ever goes on with me doesn’t make things better, it’s not going to make things better. It’s like I’m… I’m going down this road full of doubts, and they grow in a pile that keeps growing and growing, each one more numbing than the last, until I just…” collapse under it. Evie looked down at her nails, wondering how she could even begin to talk about it. She realised now she couldn’t avoid it, not any longer, but it still felt awful to say, selfish to talk about. The idea of keep messing things up was already unbearable, but she didn’t know if she could talk about her other issues, how she seems to prepare herself to fail, the nightmares that constantly remind her of all those horrible things, all of it. Suddenly, she didn’t want to talk about it anymore, didn’t want to burden Zac with anymore than she already has, couldn’t even want to look at him. He didn’t want to hear any of her problems, she had been convinced of that before.

Then she heard Zac’s voice break through, soft but firm. “Just take things at your own pace, and when you feel ready, no matter what you want to talk about, I’ll be here for you.”

No he won’t, he’ll grow tired of you, you’re too much for anyone to handle. Her eyes hardened and she turned away on her back, ignoring the pains on her back the simple movement gave her. “No, you don’t want that. You have better things to do with your time than listening to me and you know it.”

“I do want that, and I don’t have better things to do,” Zac said, ignoring the pan of hurt inside him at how she doubted him. He could understand why she would feel uncertainty, even to that point, but it didn’t make things any easier. “Right now, nothing’s more important than you. You and your health are never a burden to me, Evie, I promise that looking after you is something that I will always want to do 100%.”

How Zac was able to see through her half-conviction (leaning more on a quarter-conviction) and was just so damn nice, Evie couldn’t even begin to comprehend. “Why? The only thing I’ve done is made things more difficult for you. I don’t make anything better for anyone, and after everything… after everything you’ve done, I couldn’t give any of it back…I… I didn’t want you to worry, but I still did. I saw how concerned and frustrated you looked the entire time, and… I wanted to make things better, I thought I would just be making things worse if I exposed you to everything going on…” Evie broke herself off by giving a bitter chuckle.

“And even now, I am justifying myself. I… I’m not sure I was doing the right thing…I could never be sure… yet I did it anyway.. I thought you’d be better off anyway, but I… I didn’t realise how much I was making things worse…” She had to try and make it look like she was right. That was why she didn’t try to defend herself whenever the old her would have. She remembered the times she and Matt argued over Josh. She knew Matt wasn’t trying to be spiteful or hurtful, but he didn’t understand, and the old her would have been argued more insistent. However, after everything she did (or maybe, everything that she thought she did), she no longer felt she had that right to defend herself, no longer felt like being indignant.

Zac sighed. He needed to approach this carefully. Evie wasn’t wrong, the way she handled it didn’t do anything to fix things, but he also knew that she wasn’t trying to hurt him, that she honestly thought that it would have paid off in the end- maybe not for herself, but still. Evie had a protective streak a mile long and while it was one of her best qualities, it can also make it very difficult for her to forget or forgive the past or see the logic past her feelings. Zac had to wonder whether or not if Evie had ever confronted her own past before, all the decisions she made, the good and bad. There was probably a lot that was clouding her judgement from before, leading her perspective on certain things astray and he doubted she ever talked to anyone about it.

Still, he had to focus on the present. He knew what he needed to get across here- that what Evie did wasn’t okay, that he still wished she had come to him, but that didn’t mean she didn’t deserve to be helped. It was the same mistake countless of other people around the world had made, and he knew she can make the right choices, as long as her mind was in the right place, and wasn't swayed by guilt or self-loathing. Besides, he didn’t want her to think any more worse of herself. 

“You needed to hold onto it, I get it. You needed some way to makes sense and make it worth it. But Evie, you don’t have to. You never had to.”

“It doesn’t change how I messed things up!”

“You’re not the only one, though,” Zac insisted. Before he would have felt frustrated that his words weren’t making any impact with her- actually, he knew that he still felt that frustration, but at least now he could answer why she couldn’t, or wouldn’t (Zac wasn’t comfortable labelling either one as the definite answer). Whether she recognised it or not, it must be difficult for her to accept anything positive right now. He thought that the last time she would have ever felt at ease would have been the day of explosion, the day where the rug was pulled from everyone’s feet. Even though that day no longer haunted Zac as much as it has, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t ever confronted by the horror of it all. Roo, Chris… even Maddy, whom Roo told him that was getting better every day at her rehab (though she also admitted to Roo there were still moments where she felt unbearably lonely, and she wished she could talk to Evie more), to this day they weren't fully over it, they may never be fully over it.  It was the same with Evie, but she had held herself back for too long. She seen them all try and recover, she had to see that she can do the same. “Evie, no one is going to do everything in life perfect, and no one goes through life without ever having fights or arguments with the people they care about. Me and Leah… we have our arguments, we got to bed angry at one another from time to time. Does that mean we ought to shut ourselves away from the other?”

“No,” Evie was forced to admit, thinking Zac still didn’t get the point, “but you make Leah’s life good and she does for your life as well. But me… me…”

“You don’t think you bring joy into my life?” Zac asked, though he felt it was more of a confirmation of her words.

“Well, don’t I?” Evie asked bitterly. “All the times I made things more difficult for everyone around me… it’s all too much. You… you have a wife who loves you, VJ’s practically your son (Evie notices how this makes Zac wince and she didn’t think about it and she knows why he would, but she can’t stop), you have what you need. You don’t need me messing up your life, not when I’m the reason that family isn’t bigger, I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be wasting your time, I should have just stayed far away-”

“When are you going to realise that’s not just your decision to make?!” Zac insisted, his voice unintentionally raising and sounding more upset that he knew that he was, at how frantic and intense Evie’s own voice sounded. What also frayed at his nerves was how even now, she still believed she did something to cause Oscar and Hannah’s deaths. He knew it wasn’t something that wasn’t going to be solved in one day, or one week, but it still pained him to hear it. “Evie… you never have been, and you never will be, an imposition on my life. You are not a burden. Having you and Oscar… it gave me the chance of having a family I never thought I was going to get.” He hadn’t spoken to Ethan ever since they fell apart all those years ago… God, Zac still felt it incredible that all those years growing up, now just distant memories that just reminded Zac how bitter things were the last time they saw each other.

When Hannah came to him, telling him that Sarah (a woman whom Zac, in his young jealousy, thought was too good for his brother) had died and Evie and Oscar were in danger, the only thing Zac could focus on was getting them to safety. It was only after they bought the farmhouse from Dr Walker, did Zac begin to actually accept the new reality of a family, a real family. Seeing the twins as happy as they were back then, so determined to regain the  normality that was their lives even without their parents, filled Zac with a pride so unfamiliar  that it took him several hours that it was like fatherly pride. He knew he could never replace Ethan for the first fifteen years of their lives (no matter what he turned out in the end, Ethan had done everything a father ought to and Zac, despite their differences, had no wish to take those memories away from Evie and Oscar), he could do what he could.

“And even though… things fell apart rather quickly, me regaining that family, with Leah and VJ, with you…and Oscar… Just seeing you walk down the steps to go to breakfast, come home at the end of the day… talk to me about your day. I don’t need anything big or dramatic, I was just glad of the knowledge that you’re there. Even when days get hard, knowing you were all there… helped me in more ways I ever knew possible. And before… even before you lost that drive, you were still dedicated, Evie, you still walked down those steps to see us. I haven’t forgotten that, I never saw anything as inspiring at how much you doing the ordinary.”

“That isn’t enough,” Evie insisted, her voice dropped to a low mutter. “I haven’t done enough.”

“You have, you tried. Why I…” Zac sighed, before continuing in a solemn voice, “Why I was frustrated at you… it was because I didn’t want to ignore what I was seeing and pretending everything was fine. Because from first-hand experience, I knew that won’t ever work. I wanted to talk about it so we could get past it, But I realise now I should have explained things a lot better, or seen things from beyond my own perspective.”

“I don’t… you shouldn’t blame yourself, this wasn’t your fault,” Evie told him. That was the thing, no matter what, she didn’t want to make him feel bad. That was the thing, no matter what mistakes him or Matt made, she didn’t want to hold it against them. Maybe it was because of her own guilt, but she didn’t want to be angry at them, didn’t want any negative feelings towards them. Nadia’s words echoed back to her, about loving them so much that she couldn’t stay away, and she realised that. After what happened to so many people before… she found it hard to stay angry at who was left. “I… I kept all of it from you… and I don’t know even why… and I spent the whole time wallowing in misery…”

“You weren’t before,” Zac replied. While he didn’t care much for how she put it, he knew what she meant. “Before, even after Josh left… you were trying to actually keep your life together. You were trying to look after me, and Leah, and VJ and… it looked like you actually wanted to get past all that had happened.”

Evie sighed herself, remembering that time. Remembering how hopeful she felt at how she could try and make things right. Frankly, it wasn’t much hope, but compared to what she had been feeling for so long, it was better than nothing. “I… I still felt… this thing in me. It was always there, even when I was trying. I just thought if I could make things better… I could keep it down, even make it go away.” After considering a bit more, she added wistfully, still amazed at herself for not breaking down, “But maybe that was the problem. I wanted to do it for you guys, but I… I hated those thoughts were there in the first place. I hated waking up, knowing it was there. But…it felt so selfish to think about it, I didn’t want to think about it affecting me, but I didn’t want it to affect any of you either…”

“You would have been able to do both,” Zac offered, knowing where she was coming from at least. “It isn’t wrong to want to get rid of those bad thoughts, Evie. It’s the most natural thing in the world to do. And I know that you trying not to hurt us, I know that.” He had more to say, but there was something in Evie’s eyes, something that looked like a frantic desperation to get more of it out, all the while struggling with the appeal whether to do so or not. “You fought at the beginning to remain positive, and you had more strength than a lot of other people would have in your situation, but you could have still come to me, you could have still asked for help. It is not weak or cowardly to do so, these things can’t be done alone, not by anyone.”

“I tried not to… I tried not to… I don’t know, affect you with all this negativity inside me… I didn’t want to be so negative on the outside, because you didn’t deserve it… even when I ended up spilling it all out… you didn’t deserve it, I knew that. But I ended up doing it anyway.”

“Would you be able to tell me why things changed?”

Evie bit the inside of her cheek irritatingly. This wasn’t important, not really, she couldn’t convince herself of that. She didn’t even knew if she wanted to or not, because she could still be guilty. As far as she was concerned, her letting Oscar die without even trying to save him, no matter what Nadia insisted, remained heavily in her heart. He would have done anything for her, and she for him… except when it mattered the most, she didn’t. Subconsciously, her left hand reached up and clenched tightly against the back of her hair, her right hand clenching against her thigh as if digging deep into the flesh there. Her arms were becoming sweaty and uncomfortably hot, her insides burning, and the need for her scissors, the need to cut, was growing and growing and growing… “I don’t know… it all became too much… it was as if I didn’t have a right to be happy and I was just… all this time pretending to be… and I became more convinced that it was my fault… all of it… I ruined everything, and… it felt like I was tricking everyone pretending to be some bubble of happiness… but I was thinking more and more that…that you were right… that the stuff going on with me, was more… serious than I wanted to believe it was… so I… I guessed I kept it far below so it wouldn’t be there…the nightmares, the constant panic and fear…”

“Evie…” Zac started before shaking his head. “That kind of thinking…that ‘out of sight and out of mind’ mentality isn’t healthy. It wasn’t good to think that, and it’s not good to let that dictate your life. You’ve… you’ve been holding onto it, and it’s affected your work, your relationships… you understand that, right?”

Evie pulled at the hair on the nape of her neck, not even wincing though she pulled hard at the strands. “I guess,” she said coldly, more coldly than she intended. Maybe she thought that the more ice in her voice, the better off Zac was in the long run. What did that say about her?

Zac watched her intently, not liking how her face turned in on itself, the hard gaze, melting into a conflicted gaze, froze up again. “What else was there, what else convinced you to do that?”

“I… I just didn’t care,” Evie admitted, her voice turning more resignedly than cold or bitter. “I was alive… it didn’t matter what I did, none of it was important, none of it changed anything… my health didn’t matter as much as it did before… I had nothing left but those thoughts, but I needed it…”

“Why?” Zac asked, wondering how a person could convince themselves that they would need pressure like that in their life.

Evie shrugged, no longer looking at Zac, as if that was too difficult to do so. “I guess… I never felt this before. I’ve… I’ve felt uncertain before, I’ve been angry at myself before…but… it was never this intense… it never… felt this much before…” Evie shook her head, “I’ve spent so much of my life, not doubting myself, always so damn sure… and… I’ve made so many mistakes, I just… I thought I needed to change, I had to listen to it… just so filled with mistakes…”

“It wasn’t just all mistakes, Evie,” Zac assured her. “I can remember how you comforted me after Hunter was arrested. I remember how you stood by me in that courthouse, holding my hand. I remember how, even when it didn’t seem the right time to do so, you encouraged me and Leah to get married, you gave us Denny’s gift. You tried to be a good friend to Matt and VJ and Billie, even when-”

“Zac, that’s not all,” Evie interjected, her face growing more grey by the second. “We can’t just ignore all the crap I’ve done before.” And shouldn’t that be the most important thing? Does a bad act outweigh the good, or the good the bad?

“I never said that. I remember it just as much as you can. You have your own flaws, same as me. Same as every other person who lives or has ever lived. We may not like it, we may like to pretend otherwise, but it's still true. But that doesn’t change how much of a good person you have been as well. It won’t do you any good to forget the mistakes you've made in the past, but you can learn from them.” 

“But what if there is no learning from it? What if I just end up making up the same mistakes again and again, and it’s you who ends up getting hurt?”

“You don’t know that will happen-”

“And neither do you! You don’t know that it won’t happen! You- you can’t know. There’s… there’s a risk being around me… everyone around me gets screwed up eventually one way or another! I… I didn’t stop any of it, I didn’t save Oscar or Hannah…” Evie had to pause to cough, her voice remaining a weak, hazily voice. She knew she was rambling, but she felt she was actually talking about how she felt, and it felt… she didn’t have time to think about how it felt. “I ruined things the moment I brought Tank into everyone’s lives and the pain that ought to be mine was everyone’ else’s-”

“Evie, that doesn’t make what happened your fault! There was nothing you can do, and it doesn’t help you to not realise that it was just… rotten luck. Please, understand that it was beyond your control, it’s was beyond my control, any of our control.” Zac had to calm his voice, which had rising in his urgency. “Evie, did Nadia talk to you about that connecting those events together… it isn’t logical thinking, Evie, you did nothing to cause it directly-”

“So what if I didn’t?” Evie asked scornfully, her voice now louder than it has been before, though not without effort and looking up at the ceiling as if asking for guidance from some unseen, stronger power, but with so much anger in her eyes. “That changes nothing… I… there… there was nothing I did when it really mattered, just like all the other times! I’m the one common factor in everything that went wrong, the only… I don’t know, part of the equation that can take the fault! Tell me, Zac, how am I not suppose to think otherwise?

Do you think I want to believe that it was my fault?! That I wanted to know my own family died because of me? I didn’t want to wake up with that reminder in my head, but… but I had to. I didn’t want to forget any of it, because if I could… if I could forget any of it… it’d be irresponsible, it’d be cowardly. That is not something I should even try to ignore if I did something… so incredibly wrong… something that killed the people that mattered so much to me… people that had so much more to enjoy in life, and I was still here… the damn girl who messed things up, the girl who cares only about herself, the girl who let her boyfriend literally get away with murder!” Tears were gathering in her eyes, but she refused to let herself cry. She can’t cry, not now, not ever. She just realised she hadn’t cried since Josh left. She shed tears, but nothing like all out sobbing. Taking a deep breath, her voice a lot lower than before lifting her head, battling the thundering, the heat and the grief by looking directly at Zac again after spending so much time looking away at him. His face was pained but she needed to explain.

“I couldn’t help… I couldn’t protect anyone… and I knew if I avoided it, this thing that caused damage wherever I go was going to come back, and it was going to hurt you… I could hardly live with myself knowing I failed Oscar, I couldn’t stand the idea of anything bad happening to any of you because of what I wanted. People like me don’t get to have good things in their lives, don’t deserve how much effort you try and put in for me, when even you must be tiring of it, the whole time.” She drew her knees up to her chest, and tried to bury her head in between them in an effort not to throw up.  

Zac was at a loss for words. He now knew more than he did before, no matter how much he hated it. He realised that if Evie felt it was her fault, it would only encourage her to push herself away, if she actually thought herself as a threat. She wouldn’t let herself hurt her own family. He also took note of her words: didn’t, rather than couldn’t. There was a wide range of difference between those two words, and using only showed Evie’s self-guilt even further. Hearing her talk about failing Oscar… knowing how much he meant to her, it was difficult to hear it. He also got why she saw no point in her life, despite he still being here. He may love Evie, and she may love him back, but no one could fill that Oscar-shaped whole in her life. He knew his job wasn’t done even if she convinced that she didn’t do anything to cause it. Because that pain of not being able to do anything when disaster strikes won’t ever go away. All he could do was make it easier for her to live with. But… he couldn’t handle how she completely disregarded any attempt to help her, or her own life. Even if it seemed unfair, even if it was hard, she still had the chance of life. He needed to make her see why it was important.

“Evie… those moments you talked about before.. those moments when you feel trapped and the only way out is to… is to commit suicide… were you thinking about us? Me, Leah, Matt?”

Evie’s face furrowed, as if she was trying to recall. When she answered, her voice had shrunk down to that monotone, weary, voice.

“…Yes. I was thinking that you guys wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.”

Worrying about her. As if she were a problem. As if she were a burden. Which was how Evie saw herself as. Zac couldn’t let this go on. He cupped his hand to Evie’s cheek, which was freezing.”

“I’d rather spend years worrying about you than live for one day without you. You can’t ask me to stand by and let you do this to yourself. “ Of course, he knew she would try and get away so he wouldn’t. He can’t let that happen either.

“Why? Why is it so important to you?” Evie asked without thinking. As soon as her own question echoed in her ears, her eyes widened in shock because she knew why it was, and how it hurt.

“Because it’s my loss as well. It’s ours to share.” Zac said, his voice straining from the weariness in it. He realised now, this was actually the first time he was actually talking to her about Oscar and Hannah, about their loss and their shared grief. He never did before, because he was afraid to talk about it, unsure of how to even talk about it with the one person who was feeling ten times his own pain. “It could have easily happened to you, and you could have been lost. And now… you’re asking me to leave you to suffer alone.”

Evie wanted to interrupt, to tell him that was what he should, that the fact that he had his own grief that he ought to leave her alone, so he didn’t have to worry about her, but Zac had his own look of urgent need to talk, and Evie let him.

“You have to listen to me now, okay? This doesn’t make you a bad person, the fact that you were afraid of hurting me or anyone else doesn’t make you a bad person… but I know some things from my previous work. I’ve worked with people who thought they had nothing ahead of them, and while I’m not as… knowledgeable of the human mind like Nadia would be, I’ve done my best to talk them out of that hole they got into.” To be fair, often enough, the people he dealt with had gotten themselves into this hole, but this case was more complicated, and not just because of their relation. Evie had tried to keep herself out of the hole, and the circumstances were not as such that she brought upon herself… but as soon as she began doubting her intentions, she lost her footing and fell down.

“It’s not the same thing,” Evie insisted. Zac did what he did to save people. Staying by her wasn’t going to save anyone.

“Yes, yes it is. That is exactly what this is.” Zac stood up, and began pacing behind the chair he had sat down in. “This is about you fighting those memories, it’s about you fighting your inner demons.”

“So, what, just talk about it, and bam- I’m cured?” Evie asked, her voice a flat one but filled to the brin with sarcasm. “You telling me Nate or Tori is going to waltz in here with some… medicine and the cure for depression?” She gave a sigh that was probably meant to be an attempt of a laugh, which still made clear of what she thought about that.

“Of course not,” Zac said, knowing that she didn’t mean it. This was one of the few times he ever saw her use sarcasm in such a way, he couldn’t help but wonder how long she had held in that desire to be bitter before. “Depression isn’t something you can cure. I can’t promise you that you won’t ever feel it again, I know better than that, but…” he gritted his teeth and sat down again, looking earnestly at Evie while butterflies danced in his stomach. “When I was in prison, I… I stood against the wrong people who were trying to hurt people who had nothing to do with them. They… they…” He bit his lip as the harsh memories came flooding back. Somedays it was still hard to believe he actually got out. The fact was that despite all the stories and horrific descriptions shown in the movies, prison wasn’t as violent as most people would believe. The assaults… they had happened, despite the attempts to make them stop, and it remained a problem that had to be addressed (Even if a number of people would prefer to pretend it never happens) but he knew from his history that it didn’t occur as often as many thought, and the few times when it had occurred in maximum security prisons. At the place he was, a federal minimum security on bail (Though had he been brought to trial and found guilty, he would have found himself in a maximum security prison), it was a rarity that occurred. And he had stood up at the single time he did see it.

“They attacked you,” Evie said, her voice trying hard not to shake at the bleak words. She knew something that happened when Zac was in prison, something that caused Tank to save him, but she didn’t know precisely what happened. She never asked before.

Zac nodded. He didn’t feel comfortable reminiscing about it, but talking about was just as important when he first talked about it to Leah, and Nadia as well. It had been Nadia whom he had contacted when he realised he needed someone of experience to talk to about (in fact, he hadn’t told Leah that he contacted Nadia). Evie had shared something that was incredibly sensitive for her, the least he could do was give her the same curtsy. To do the very thing he had been encouraging her so long could hopefully push her in the right direction. If he wanted her to trust him, he had to trust her. However, he didn’t want to bring her more pain of telling her of the brutal details of what happened that night, because given how she felt she could have stopped Josh, hearing him suffering may make her feel worse.

“They… they came into my cell, and…”  He looked back to her, incredibly hesitant. Sensing this, Evie reached out with her hand (which was previously gripping her knees) and held onto his. “You shouldn’t talk about it, not if you don’t want to.”

“I just… it’s just difficult to talk about. I think I understand what you meant before,” he admitted. He was just glad that Hunter wouldn’t have to experience the potential nightmare in of a maximum security prison. Because of his age and his guilty plea to all charges, he was sentence to a minimum security prison that was more focused on rehabilitation and understanding where they have gone wrong. Zac knew a couple of people there who worked there and ensured Hunter would keep out of fights (which, Zac thought despairingly, was the thing he was certain would happen with Hunter) “Besides, I know you blame yourself for not stopping Josh, I don’t want to tell you this and make things…”

“Worse?” Evie asked, before shaking her head sadly. He didn’t need to protect her. Even if she was worth it, she could have a good idea of what had happened. She wasn’t some kid that needed to be sheltered from the harsh reality of the world. It wasn’t the most horrific thing that could occur there, she heard enough about prison to know what could occur there and no one deserved that, least of all Zac, as rare as it probably was, but she knew it was still very bad. “I’m going to blame myself either way, Zac. If you… if you don’t want to continue, then I won’t make you, but...” she herself hesitated, not sure if she should prod into something that was very sensitive. “If you want to, I’ll listen.”  

Zac sighed and with a deep breath, struck at how the table has turned, and yet, her telling him he didn’t have to seemed to have the other effect. He admired how steady and strong she sounded. “They…they held me down and one, the leader, the one I personally confronted me, he attacked me with a knife… he certainly made sure I remembered him.” He couldn’t describe any more than that, and Evie, who knew what that was like more than a lot of other people, didn’t say anymore. She tried to hide it, but Zac can see how horrified she felt at the descriptions. 

“I know what it’s like to be wrecked by stuff that haunt you, and thinking there would be no way out. I don’t want that to happen to you. Don’t ask me to leave you like that.”

Zac laid his hand on Evie’s knee, and Evie stared down at his hand with something mirroring wonder, the horror she felt remaining at how much Zac suffered there. She always felt that she was always failing when it came to explaining what was up with her (When she felt like doing so, anyway), because she wasn’t making enough effort to explain whatever was wrong with her (Not wrong, a gentle voice that sounded like a mixture of herself and Nadia, just something you have to deal with) for her own selfish reasons. But seeing Zac explain his own traumatic experience, realising her problem, while still difficult, may not be as impossible to explain as she thought. Well, that problem at least. “I… I’m so sorry, Zac, I…”

“I got out, that’s what matters,” Zac told her, something he had said not long ago. “And I can help you get out as well. It is not selfish to be afraid of showing your vulnerabilities, and it's not selfish to show them either. You deserve those good things, Evie.”

“I shouldn’t,” Evie retorted, trying to sound firm but it came out barely above a whisper.

Zac sighed, sounding just as convinced of Evie’s words as Evie herself was. “This isn’t a rare situation, you know. Thousands of men and women across the world suffer from depression, they all have to find their own way to live with it, and every person who’s ever loved someone with or depression has to acknowledge that.”

“Doesn’t make it okay for me to do the same though, I’m…” Evie faltered, not sure what she was exactly? All the usual words came into her head, but only two Evie felt really summed her up. “I'm dangerous, I'm awful." She couldn’t bare to watch Zac react to her words. She covered her face with her hands wishing she could just disappear.

Zac reached out, covering her hands with his own and pulled them away from Evie’s face. She deserved so much better than to be thinking any of this, but he can't deny that she believed them. He won't demean her believes, not when she says them with such sincerity. “Do you trust me?”

“Of… of course I trust you. I trust you with my life.” Evie said, her voice gone incredibly heartfelt. Deep down, she was conflicted. She trusted Zac to do the right thing, no matter who it’s for (remembering Nadia’s words of how mental health is not restricted to anyone), and despite the little regard for her own life, she still trusted him a lot.

“That wasn’t what I meant.” A sad smile tugged at the corner of Zac’s lips, and Evie felt more confused, not seeing where he was going with this, with trust. What did that have to do with anything? “I know things are terrible right now, and I know you're afraid of hurting me. I know that won’t change, not for a very long time, if ever. I want to trust you, I have to trust you, if we’re going to fight this. But I need you to trust me as well: trust that I know what I want to do and that… well, I may not know everything, but I know enough, and what I don’t I’m willing to learn. And the same for Leah… she’s a smart woman, and knows what she wants to do as well. Us trying to help you does not come from ignorance, please trust me on that.

And you are right. I don’t know that things will be alright or that nothing bad will happen, despite our best efforts. Life is too unpredictable for that. But that doesn’t mean we have to shut ourselves away. All it means is that we all ought to spend as much time as we can, holding onto every moment that gives us joy, and doing what we can for each other and ourselves.” That was the philosophy he stood with. Even though it was a struggle every single day, he tried to remember Oscar and Hannah everyday, remember every cherished moment he had with them. He so wished for Evie to be able to do the same, for her own sake just as much as the memories of Oscar and Hannah. 

“And that…” Evie wasn’t sure if she could agree, even though what Zac said made a lot of sense. “And that wouldn’t be selfish?”

That she felt like she had to ask broke Zac’s heart. “Evie, you are one of the most driven people I know. You've been trying so hard. If you would keep doing that, and try and understand what you want and nor what others want you to do, in spite of all, it would one of the most bravest things I’ve ever seen.”

Evie felt a lot of information was being thrown at her, and she wished she could make sense out of it. Because on one side, she had her critic screaming at her of how selfish she was for even considering this, considering doing things just for herself, but the other side was saying listening to Zac. She knew life was too unpredictable, she had made that same argument with Matt not long ago… but she realised what Zac meant. That it meant giving to life, not shutting it away. She did that same thing because she saw no point in her life, it wasn’t worth living anyway. A large part of her was still convinced of that… but Zac was here now, giving her a chance, should she take it?

Evie also reflected on what Zac said before, asking- not telling- her to trust him that he knew what he was doing when wanting to ask her for help. She was beginning to think that the strain of thought that had been ingrained in her by her self-doubt and hate and- trauma, exactly what Nadia called it- was astray, and therefore, could led her own perspective- on certain things- astray. She didn’t know for sure, she was conflicted about that as well, but she had spent so much time worrying about her own desires blinding everything. Who is to say that the opposite cannot happen- that a belief in the worst in yourself and the future could blind you just as easily. She didn’t know what to believe, or which one was more easier to believe, which she wished to avoid.

But knowing the possibility didn’t automatically clear things for her, and it didn’t remove the apprehensive feeling of danger that lurked in her mind. For all she knew, the moment she decided to let Zac in, she could be leading him to danger. She couldn’t do that, she had to keep him-

What? Keep him at arm’s length? She was no longer convinced that would even work, because despite her attempts to do so, Zac remained steadfast in trying to help her. She told herself before that it was because he felt he had no choice, that she made him do it, but however, hasn’t she already been telling herself that everyone has their limits? Why would Zac constantly be pushing past his?

She knew that Zac and Leah were smart people, but she thought it was because she didn’t explain it anymore. And she knew that she wasn’t wrong that Zac didn’t know everything, and she knew that their constant worry wasn’t doing anyone any good, she feared she had to tell them that eventually but she shouldn’t be doubting his intent. Especially since her own doubt over everything. The doubt meant that she doubted her own family’s wishes, but then, if she doubted everything, she asked herself, in a logical voice (one she had not heard in a long time), how would she be so sure?

“I… I couldn’t believe you when you were trying with me. Even you said you loved me and tried to get me to stay… I didn’t believe it. And it wasn’t because of anything you did…”

“I could have done more though,” Zac admitted, ashen-faced. “I should have understood more or I made my feelings a lot clearer, so you wouldn’t have to…”

“I would have still thought it. It wasn’t because of any failing on your part, I would have still thought it. I thought… I thought you were all just being forced to do it, that I was so horrible that it was impossible for anyone to actually willingly spend time with me. That you were just doing it… it because you’re too nice like that,” Evie finished, breath hitching, aware she would just be able to complete only like, maybe two or three more sentences before she gave in to the tears.

Zac didn’t say anything for a while, and Evie immediately thought the worse, that that damn voice in her head was right, that Zac would confirm it and leave, that the voice was right, that Zac was right to leave her- but when Evie looked up at him, she saw tears glistening in Zac’s eyes, an impossibly sad look on his face.

“I…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, it was stupid, it’s not important, it’s only upsetting you.” Evie internally cursed herself for saying sorry, remembering what she had been constantly telling herself, saying sorry doesn’t solve anything, it doesn’t automatically mean she won’t do it again or she’ll do better. It was just the same thing everything says over and over again by people who want to make themselves feel better…

“No it’s okay, Evie, it’s important. You’re important. Everything you’re feeling is important, everything you’re feeling is not stupid.” Of that Zac was sure of it. He even understood that Evie had a point. After everything that happened, she had good reason not to be sure of everything. She certainly wouldn’t accept anything immediately. After everything these past few years, Evie would have learned not to accept things at face-value. As much as they loved her, they can’t expect any different for them. “I… yeah, I’m upset of hearing that, but not at you, I’m upset that things have gotten so hard for you. I’d prefer hearing it all the same. It’s what I truly want, despite how hard it is.”

“Because the easy way won’t help anyone,” Evie reflected. It is what she had thought all this time, and at least she thought that was right at least. It would be easy to accept that she deserve love, that she didn’t deserve to rot.

“That was what you’ve been saying this whole time, haven’t you?”, Zac said, realising more of Evie’s perspective. “I don’t want you to be double-guessing yourself, I know it’s all… extremely complicated. But I understand what you’ve meant that it would be too easy for you to believe anything we tell you. But maybe… do you think that maybe it would be too easy to give in to that feeling of self-hate?”

“Maybe,” Evie admitted. “But after everything that happened, I had to wonder if that was why so much bad stuff had happened… and none of it to me. That’s the thing, I got through it all unscathed, even after all the mistakes I've made. So, I thought I had to change, I had to make myself better than before.”

“I get it, I know growing, wanting to try and make ourselves better than before, but this isn’t something we force. We can’t be perfect, we can’t force ourselves to be better, and more importantly, it is not something we do alone. I couldn’t make myself into the man I am right now. I needed guidance of friends, of people who weren’t me to share  their view of who I am, and who I could be. It is very good for you to be sure of yourself, Evie, it’s something we all need, to be able to make our own decisions. Too much of self-assurance is bad and you need to be careful of that, but too little of it is just as worse.”

He left Evie think about that, and then added, “And it did happen to you.”

“What did?”

“All of that bad stuff, it has happened to you. You may not have been injured or… or killed,” Zac said, seeing no point in hiding the harsh truth when they both knew it. “… but it all still affected you. You would have to be emotionless for none of what happened, this year or before, to not affect you. Am I wrong?”

“No, you’re not, but I still got off lucky than a lot of others,” Evie told him, but with little fire.

“Maybe. Doesn’t change how much you’ve been hurting. How much of all of this has affected you. How things got so bad that you thought this was the only way out.”

Evie didn’t address that, because she felt it was still wrong to think about that, of how much she had suffered, because it didn’t seem as important as others have. But she didn’t think she could avoid it. What she said instead was, “I… I’ve been having panic attacks. I…sometimes it gets too much and my senses overload, and I  can't breath and my… all of me just shuts down.” It was all she could describe but thankfully Zac didn’t push beyond that description. From the look in his eyes, she (Despite misgiving about not being specific enough) could tell that he got it. However, Evie doubted she’d be able to keep it in for very long. Just the overwhelming feelings of her panic attacks, they were eating away at her on the inside, and they weren’t the only things. All of her rage, her grief, her shame, the horrific details in her nightmares and her own self-harm (with that nagging desire to cut again burning within her), were all bubbling together like a chemical reaction gone bad. All of it fumed while she felt something new: the growing desire to speak about all of it, to spill it all over the place…but she didn’t. Trembling inside and feeling sick at the thought of them, they kept boiling but not raging, it all kept itself away.

“And did it happen last night?”

Evie grimaced at the question and looked down, not able to answer. Zac chewed on his own lip but let it go. She won’t tell him everything that is going on, he could guess that there was more going on than what she was telling him, but he’ll have to learn to accept it.

“How long have you’ve have them?”

Evie shrugged. “I guess… for the past few months. They only got more extreme as time went on, but I didn’t tell anyone.

“Evie, it is important you talk about these things, you needed to address all of this a long time ago.” He wasn’t trying to shame her, but he needed to be honest with her. That she was experiencing panic attacks was extremely important information, and he can’t coddle the fact that she didn’t tell him or anyone wasn’t good. The idea of her having one in a crowded place (and therefore could not get to a safe place) implanted itself forcibly on his mind and he can't let that happen to her. “Evie, you tell me that you wanted to be better, that you wanted to do things right. You can’t do that unless you accept that what is going on with you is a problem to be dealt with, rather than ignoring it and hoping you can just get pass it. That isn't healthy. It'll only make things worse for yourself and the people around you.”

Sitting down again, he added, “I’m not trying to make you feel worse, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here. You are a lot more capable than you think. Holding yourself back like that in a way to punish yourself is not going to help me or anyone else, and…” it won’t make things better for yourself, is what Zac would normally finish with, but he had caught on Evie didn’t care about that in particular. For all he knew, that maybe acted as an incentive for her to keep holding it all in. “You understand that keeping this stuff to yourself, especially when you are given a task such as teaching, isn’t good?”

“Yeah, I get it, it wasn’t… responsible,” Evie said impassively. At least she didn’t try and hide it, Zac could tell she could recognise that easily, at least.

“It doesn't minimize how hard you've been trying or the good work you have done, you have been doing so well... but you have so much more that you can do than you've already been doing, and you can only do that with your health intact. Otherwise you'll won't be focused or able to do the job I know you'd be excellent at. Teaching is one of the biggest responsibilities in the world of profession and we owe it to our student to be at our best professional capacity and it has to be the same for you. We didn't hold back on your work because we think you're hopeless at the job by nature, it's because we are aware that you have to address the emotional burdens you have before you are able to handle the important stuff and I didn't want to, and still won't, put any more pressure on you. We should have both prepared for that from the start, but we can start again. I know from personal experience that letting people in may not make things go away, but it makes things a bit more manageable. I know all of this is terrifying, and I know you're afraid of letting me see this, but you don’t have to hide any of it from me.”  

Evie knew he was right, she had been trying to take two roads at the same time, trying to do the work yet keeping it all hidden. It was impossible to do so. At times (not all the time but at times) her work had suffered, whether she was in class or assisting.  “I think… I know you want me back out the house, but… I don’t think I feel comfortable going back there, at least not yet. But… I’ll want to see more of you, I can come around often.”

“As much as you want to,” Zac told her, getting her need not jump back to things the way they were, as much as they would all want to. "Whatever makes you feel more comfortable." 

 “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Zac. I know it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything, but…”

“I know you weren’t. This wasn’t about me. I know you didn’t do anything with the intent of making things any more difficult.”

“Not that really matters, does it? It doesn’t change anything I did before. As long as I’m even being honest about what I meant to do.”

“Maybe. But that just means there are better ways you can still do good than before. That you meant well in the first place can give you a head start on that front at least. And to me, I think that you’re worried about it being for the right reasons speaks volumes. What do you think?” Zac prompted gently and inquisitively. He and Leah came to the conclusion that if this was going to work, then they needed to talk and debate about everything bothering Evie with her. He needed to treat Evie like an equal and accept her viewpoint, and she did make some really sensible points.

“I…” Evie felt the tears growing in her eyes, clouding up her vision and her breath was hitching but that didn’t stop her talking. “I… I really wanted to make it up to you guys, wanted to do right by you guys, you’ve done so much for me. You and Leah… you’ve given me a home, a family, and I wanted to do my bit… I wanted to be nice, generous, smarter, I really did, I wanted to be, I didn't want to be horrible, I didn't want to be angry, especially not at you, I wanted to be all those good things and I wanted to share them with you and-”, her lips were trembling so hard it was difficult to get it all out, and she didn’t know if Zac could understand her, she didn’t know if she understood herself, but she meant them and even though maybe it didn’t matter she wanted Zac to understand and-

And it all broke.

Zac watched the change on her face. At first, there was a sound that was a disbelieving half-laugh, half-sob, followed by a range of emotions entering and leaving Evie’s face- bitterness, embarrassment, hesitance, a slimmer of longing, a brief but valiant attempt to keep her face straight and consuming guilt- before her face crumples and her composure shatters completely. Broken, hopeless sobs escaped from her mouth and made her entire body jerk at the force of them. It twisted her face with pure despair. It felt as though two months and three weeks’ worth of tears flow down her cheeks and onto the bed and in her hair that was flowing uncontrollably into her face. She must be so pathetic, so worthless, and even now she was just waiting for them to tell her so---

“Evie? Is it okay that I hug you?” Evie felt that it was nothing short of a wonder that she heard that through her sobs, and she knows she shouldn’t apply with an affirmative, she did not deserve something as simple as a hug, she didn’t deserve his love, she didn’t deserve any of their love-

“Yes.” It came out as a whimper of a word, but Zac brought his hand up to Evie’s hair, softly cradling her head and pulling him to his chest. Evie continued to sob hard into Zac’s jacket, feeling awful but she couldn’t stop it, she hated herself, but she couldn’t stop it now that she started.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” She felt a gentle hand stroking her hair as her hands wrapped themselves around Zac’s back and squeezed tightly. It’s been ages since she’s been held like that, and she can’t deny how good it felt. “I’m sorry for how I acted…”

“It’s okay, I know,” Zac soothed. Evie’s head was now tucked under his chin, cheek pressed against his neck. “It’s alright now, you’re forgiven.”

Evie shook her head. “Oscar…” she sobbed in unsteady breathes, “I let him down… he’s gone and he’s never coming back…”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Zac replied, tears falling from his own eyes now. He held his niece close, cradling her as close as he can, but did nothing to stop her crying. Evie needed this, needed to let it out. There was more courage in showing tears than hiding them. “Don’t think for one moment either him or Hannah would have been better off if you weren’t in their lives. You are not cursed, you did not cause what happened to them, they loved you, you loved them.”

“I was so horrible, I was awful…”

“No, you weren't,” Zac interrupted her with steely resolve, drawing Evie’s heartbeat down with a hand brushing down her shoulder blade. “You were hurting, you’re hurting.” Zac closed his eyes and squeezed Evie closer, careful not to hurt her. Evie whimpered as she burrowed closer to Zac’s chest. “You don’t own anyone any apologies for what you feel, or for not being perfect. None at all.”

He carded his hands through her coarse, dark hair, and then leaned back and held her Evie’s gaze. “But you don’t have to hurt alone anymore. We’re going to ride this out together if you’ll let me. If you want me.”

Evie hesitated, gazing up at Zac with eyes so deep and bright she was gazing deep within him. “You want to, you really want to,” she murmured, her voice still hoarse from sobbing and half in wonder. When Zac only nodded, a small smile edging his lips, Evie nodded slowly, as if the simple act will bring the entire hospital down around their ears. “I… I don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t want to put my own happiness over your safety or Leah’s safety or anyone else’s… but I don’t want to lose you.” And that was the truth, and not just lose him through injury or death.

“You won’t, on either count.” If Zac thought her worries were ridiculous, he didn’t say it or show it, and it made Evie curl further into him. “You won’t,” he repeated, rocking them back and forth.

“It’s all falling apart, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I’ll do anything right.”

“I get it. After everything that happened, and all in such a small amount of time, your judgement is going to be a small bit askew. You're arguing yourself into a vicious cycle that gets you nowhere. You may have been focusing on your own weaknesses for a while, but you also know your strengths, and I think it’s time you start listening to them as well.” Hoping to get her to start at least trusting herself, Zac asked. "Do you really believe that you didn't want to hurt me, that you didn't want to get angry?"

Evie didn't 100% believe it, but the feelings she had been feeling couldn't be pretend. She knew that much, so she said. "I think so, I want to, but I don't think I could make any of this up, I didn't want to hurt you, I wanted you to be happy..."

"I believe it as well. I don't think you could make it up either."

“But what if we're both wrong, what if I’m still being misleading and being ignorant to the real danger because I don’t want it to be there? What if I’m just doomed to hurt everyone around me and destroy everything I touch?”

“Then I’ll remind you of how everything you wished to be, nicer, smarter, all of that- you already were enough of them to our eyes. I'll remind you of how amazingly far you've come, and how far you've yet to go until you’re convinced of it,” Zac reassured, kissing Evie’s forehead. “And we’ll help each other get back to a life where the good days are going to outnumber the bad. We can ask that much at least.”

Evie closed her eyes in a long and slow blink. Zac could only imagine how haggard they both looked and felt. Then, Zac saw the smallest, the tiniest of bemused grins toyed on Evie’s lips.

“You’re so stubborn,” she sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t know how you’re not tired of having to work so hard with me.”

“It’s not work, it’s what family is like. And besides, we’re Maguires,” Zac said, a confident grin etching on his face, reaching out with his thumb to wipe the tears rolling down her cheeks, “stubborn might as well be our nicknames.”

Evie didn’t agree or disagree, she just let that tiniest of smiles remain for a bit before leaning forward to slowly hug Zac again, her forehead resting against his collarbone. Zac cupped the back of her head and hugged her gently. Things weren’t fixed, they may never be fixed… but for the first time in a while, Evie began to think in maybe another way, another way past the pain and everything. Zac seemed so certain, even when she didn’t. He had given her a second chance despite everything and…and maybe he was right in doing so.

That doesn’t change anything, you’ll put them at risk, just like you always do.

Evie couldn’t convince herself otherwise, and what she spoken to Nadia about being afraid. She never considered it, she never let herself consider it, but she now had to think of it. She loved them all so much that she wondered what they would think if they found out everything what was going on with her. She didn't want to think that, because she didn't wanted to do this for selfish reasons, didn't wanted to be deluding herself of that much... but she remembered how she avoided telling Zac about her difficulties, because she feared his reaction. What didn't make sense was how she felt that when at the same time, wanting to tell them how awful she was in order to keep herself away. It couldn't work both ways.

It did, however, leave her thinking that maybe she understood what Nadia and Zac said about being able to do both. Maybe her motives weren't completely selfish, maybe it wasn't her only motive. She knew deep down that she did care about them, she didn't feel anything other than love (as well as doubt and fear that something crushing was about to happen) whenever she was with them. She may not be completely sure, but despite believing in the worse of herself, part of her, encouraged by Nadia and Zac's reminders in her memory, began thinking that maybe what she felt was true. Feelings like that couldn't be made up. Maybe she had tried to do right for all of them, maybe she started it out trying to sort the best for all of them, including herself. She didn't know, and she couldn't tell herself she was right or if she was wrong. It was all so confusing and she needed to think about it.

But now another small voice was telling her that maybe, just maybe, not to think about it now. To just relax in Zac's arms, that even if she couldn’t trust herself right now, she could trust her family, her friends, at least for now. Maybe, there was something left for her. 

'Life puts a heavy strain and pressure on some of us, and unconsciously we find ourselves departing form the conventional standards set up... Not one of us is pure white nor solid black. We are a blend- a grey... blindly groping towards the good.' (An unidentified witness quoting San Francisco journalist and civil campaigner Fremont Older at the service of a suicide victim in America, 1919). I believe this is the best way to describe my intentions towards this story, especially in regards Zac's hard truths with Evie, which has gone on for far longer than I intended. The hope, however, is rising ever so closer onto the horizon. And to you my patient readers, you have my absolute gratitude as always,. Next chapter involves more conversations with Leah, Alf, and Matt. 

[Red Ranger 1]

A very long and very powerful experience for both of them.Maybe they understand each other better now.

[D.B]

On 10/08/2021 at 12:11, Red Ranger 1 said:

A very long and very powerful experience for both of them.Maybe they understand each other better now.

Yeah, that wasn't intentional!  Since it was just largely Zac and Evie, I had planned for this chapter to be a lot shorter than usually. Yet somehow, I realise I had to address a lot that needed to be discussed, so hopefully it wasn't overwhelming. Still, I'm glad you thought it was powerful. After so much negative feelings in the previous chapters, it was good to end with some actual hope, this is what I was working for, and I'm glad to actually make it. I wanted to be patient about it, because not everything is going to be solved once away. Every major issue needs to be dissected and discussed appropriately because I'm aware of how important these issues are in real life and I have every desire to do them respect. I do not wish to misrepresent or belittle the experiences that real people go through so I want to explore all of them thoroughly.  

They both definitely understand each other a lot better now, with Zac realising that he has to see outside his own experience, and though Evie still doesn't fully believe that she deserves help and happiness, she is beginning to actually think about alternatives of what she had believed and understanding better ways of both looking after herself and taking responsibility for herself. After seeing her family try and support her even when she thinks she has messed up horribly, she begins to realise that maybe she could be actually worth it and that being afraid of her inner demons and actually setting limits  doesn't make her a bad person. There's still the issues regarding her relationships (with her figuring out for true what she did and didn't do wrong as well as what her loved ones did and didn't do wrong and act appropriately, and Matt having realising how much he didn't realise before, and now he'll be able to learn and do better and be a good friend, especially regarding the issue of self-harm) as well as her own internal struggle with her intentions, her feelings and her other troubles, such as her self-harm. She won't be easily swayed out of keep doing so, because once you start it is a difficult climb to get out of, but for now it's more than a hopeful start than before.

I'm not sure when I'll upload next, life is taking unexpected turns at home, but when I can upload, I will.  Thanks again.

[D.B]

Oh my God, I seriously need to stop making these chapters so long!! Sorry again guys, but this one has a lot of (hopefully) good stuff in it, so hopefully enjoy. Same warnings surrounding discussion of self-harm and suicide, but there is hope, so please be careful and love yourselves and be safe. I hope I written this right... please remember also, that what I'm written is not a definite answer to dealing with mental health. And just in case, how Evie has negatively viewed her own mental health (particularly in regards to self-harm) doesn't reflect my own views on the matter.

Chapter 20

Evie got out of the car and looked over to the caravan that she had been calling home for the past two weeks. Part of her wondered if she made the right move in not moving back to the house immediately, but she couldn’t bring herself to go back, at least not yet. At least not now. Not when she has so much more to figure out, about herself, about what she ought to do, about what could and couldn’t happen. Evie knew she couldn’t just keep everyone out, especially not after the last weekend, and now she realised leaving them with no definite answers doesn’t make the situation better, that she hurt them leaving. But would exposing them to all the pain she felt make anything better as well? What if it wears them down? What if they can’t deal with that on top of everything? She didn’t want to make things difficult- yet she feared that ship has already sailed, left the port, and plainly sank in a horrible shipwreck. It’s all your fault.

She gripped the door handle in response to the mocking, ever-so arrogant tone of that inner voice, wishing she could get it to shut up. She tried to recall memories of Nadia talking to her, telling her how tempting it would be to give in to your inner demons, how she shouldn’t put herself down, memories of Zac telling her to remember her strengths- yet it was hard to bring them up to fight against that critic. The critic that sounded so taunting, yet so convincing at the same time, that reminded her she had no strengths, that she was just playing, acting like it was some stupid game to be played by kids. That any attempt to think otherwise was just an attempt to hide who she really was, and she needed to wake up and realise the truth. She didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want it to even exist, but she knew she had believed for a very long time that she needed it, because she was afraid that it was right. That was another reason why she didn’t move back in, because she was afraid that everyone was still safer without her. That, no matter how ridiculous anyone else would have thought so, her just being there could cause them all grave danger. 

For all she knew, looking at Jeannie who had gotten out on the other side of the car (who insisted on driving), they could have crashed on the way over here. The car could have swivelled out of control or a tree could have fallen and smashed them to bits. And it was because Jenny insisted on driving her home. Evie’s logical side- a side she was beginning to suspect had been largely ignored for some time now- that she couldn’t have caused such things to occur, but the fear and the preparation of guilt remained. She didn't want her friend to get hurt for her own sake. It reminded her of something Nadia said before she left her to Zac:

You think what happened to Oscar and Hannah, to Denny, to a lot of people, was your fault. Because you would have to admit a very painful truth: that you do not control who lives or who dies. It is not something for any of us to decide. That powerlessness means that those deaths weren’t your fault… even if to your eyes, that powerlessness equals guilt all the same.

Nadia had hit a nerve there, because Evie knew that she could have tried and done something to stop it from happening, that that made her just as guilty even if her theory of causing events to transpire was incorrect. Especially when it was her own family, especially when it was Oscar… And if she couldn’t do anything when it mattered the most, what chance did she have of doing it right for any other time when it mattered? Nadia and Zac talked about second chances, about forgiving herself, how no one should nor would hold it against her for living her life again and doing right for the memories of Oscar and Hannah, and such talk ought to inspire hope within a person, but Evie didn’t know if she could really hope for anything again. Yet how could she not, after receiving Zac’s comfort the other day, feeling like one of the best things in the world?

Besides, returning to her previous fear, she was the reason Jeannie was driving in the first place and… yet Evie reminded herself that she had insisted on driving herself home, only for Jeannie to insist on driving her, that Evie was too exhausted to do so. And Evie knew the other girl was right, she was so exhausted that it was a miracle that she had even got out of the hospital bed without collapsing back onto it immediately, yet Evie didn’t fail to notice the sharp look of anxiety on her friend’s face at the idea of letting her drive off alone. Jenny doesn’t even try and play it off like she didn’t think Evie wouldn’t actually make it back try in her state and Evie strangely appreciates the honesty, even if it made her rankle. Yet, she fears that they wouldn’t let her out of their sight anymore. It made her feel like they couldn’t trust her, and… well, maybe they were right to do so, but it didn’t make her feel anymore easy about the idea. Then Zac’s words floated back into her head when she brought it up without even realising what she said:

It’ll never be like that. This isn’t you needing constant supervision like you’re a child, it’s about us supporting you, and you letting us support you.

It was a nice thing to say- too nice for Evie to 100% believe it. Yet the honest look in Zac’s face made her think about it, and realising she might as well give it a chance. He was the one who insisted alongside Jeannie that she take Evie home when Evie turned down Zac's offer. She knew she had hurt them leaving, she didn’t want to do it again. That was why she promised to go back, because she didn’t want to hurt them- and she realise she wanted to reconnect with them once more.

She looked over to Jeannie, who was looking over the caravan park and nodding with a thoughtful look over her face. “Looks nice. Wouldn’t mind living here myself.”

Evie snorted tiredly. “Yeah, if you don’t mind teenagers racking up their music in the middle of the night.”

“Well, no place is perfect,” Jeannie snarked back playfully. “At least you actually have some time to yourself,” she added, her playful smile remaining effortlessly onto her face, but the gleam in her eyes turning into a more thoughtful gaze, as if trying to gauge Evie’s reaction and try and figure her out. Well, Jeannie can join the que (a que that Evie’s definitely at the front of).

“Listen, Jeannie, thanks,” Evie told her as she walked around to her end, trying to pretend she didn’t notice the blonde’s searching gaze. “I’m sorry I had to drag you down here, after what happened, it wasn’t your problem to deal with-”

“I’m glad it was my problem,” Jeannie replied quickly, her cheery attitude not shrinking even for a second as she reached out with a hand. When Evie made no move to flinch away or any other sign that she’d be uncomfortable, Jeannie reached up and began softly playing with the brunette’s hair. “I am your friend, Mason’s your friend, that Matt guy is your friend, and you have some serious stuff going on, and a friend doesn’t stand by and let that stuff happen to you, whether you like it or not.” She continued combing through Evie’s unwashed, thick black hair with her fingers, and it touched her heart to see the shorter girl subconsciously lean into Jeannie’s touch, her brown eyes softening at the touch and her tense legs and shoulders sagging. There was nothing forced or reluctance in Evie’s actions. Jeannie understood it, Evie had been keeping herself away from other people’s touch for so long that any contact at this point would be like all of her Christmases at once. But as Jeannie reached around to bring her arm around her shoulder to bring Evie into a hug, Evie’s eyes suddenly widened and she pushed herself away before Jeannie could get her arm around the girl. They both stood there, looking awkwardly at the ground between them.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“No, it was fine, you were fine,” Evie reassured her, her voice trying not to quiver. She couldn’t lie, not to Jeannie nor herself, the other girl’s perfectly cut nails weaving their way through her hair felt so comforting and so nice it almost felt like Evie was drifting off into some nice dream, something she hasn’t experienced in a very long time. It made her feel safe and warm to have that kind of human contact again that is gentle and caring- and yet that impulse telling her to fight or flee made her shrink away, accompanied by the reminder that she didn’t deserve to feel safe or warm, and it was all her fault, and anything bad that happened to the people she cared about was going to be her fault-

That scratching, irritable sensation returned to her senses again, threatening to overwhelm her and made her yearn for the scissors to cut herself again. That urge remained just as strong as it had been before, but now the fear that settled with it, the fear of that numbing sensation that would always happen after she cut herself, was intensified. She couldn’t convince herself entirely that she didn’t deserve the pain, just one talk with Zac wasn’t going to make things change, no matter how tempting it was for her to remain in that comfort forever. Evie was still less sure that cutting herself was something she could keep doing, however. She didn’t think about it because she didn’t care about stopping, she had went from trying to make things okay to punishing herself and caring less about what happened to herself. The last few days had done something dangerous to the entire situation, though. It made her think about actually living a life outside of just being alive, about the idea of regaining hope and redemption, about taking responsibility and looking after herself. What Nadia was saying and what Zac was saying… it sparked something inside her, something that made her think that despite all, she could still do good. It would have excited her if it didn’t also fill her with dread of messing it up, of it being undeserved without Oscar and Hannah and Denny and…

As if it was a reverse effect, the idea of getting that hope also made that voice urging her to hurt herself even louder, which brought all of her guilt, self-hatred and anger up to the force and made her drive away because she didn’t deserve Jeannie’s comfort. “I just… I don’t know if I can let myself… to give into to that…” Evie shrugs, not really knowing how to explain the discomfort of getting to close.

“We’re not trying to make you feel worse, it’s okay to want those things,” Jeannie reassured her, feeling a bit disconcerted at how much a person, especially a friend, could try and keep themselves from something they clearly wanted from what she read.

“I know you’re not,” Evie snapped, too tired to regret it immediately. That wasn’t it, she knew they weren’t trying to hurt her, and it did annoy her that that thought came up. “I don’t think that you’re trying to make me feel worse, I’m… I’m not that messed up…” She had thought (or feared) that they were fed up with her and were just pretending, but she didn’t think they were trying to hurt her. She didn’t lose all her trust… how much of it did she lose, though? “It’s just… What if I don’t deserve those things? What if I shouldn’t have those things? It’ll just end up being a big waste of time and… I don’t know if I can deal with that,” Evie finished rambling and then looked up desperately to her friend, wondering if she made any bit  of sense to her.

Jeannie remained silent for a while, trying to think of what to say, and she came up with was: “You’ve had a lot of time to overthink about that, haven’t you?”

Evie considered the question, and nodded resignedly. “I guess… it’s all I can think about. Does that make me crazy?”, she asked in a lower voice.

“It doesn’t,” Jeannie reassured her. It was only now she was remembering how Evie suffered from that panic attack she had that same weekend. Her medical learning made Jeannie aware that her body was still going to react in certain ways that other people wouldn’t. It isn’t something she could blame Evie for, it was just how the body reacted. “And how you struggle with what appears to be normal isn’t crazy either. No one should make you feel uncomfortable in your own space.”

“It’s stupid, that’s what it is, it's me being a complete idiot.” Even though she said that, Evie didn't believe it as much as she used to, thinking of Nadia’s own voice, talking about the panic attacks, how normal it was, how it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. Yet, despite knowing that, hearing it come from an expert, it was a different voice that came out of her mouth, the usual voice. “It’s pathetic, it’s nothing worth listening about, it’s nothing for you to be concerned…”

“Then why do you look like you’re about to start crying?” Jeannie asked her seriously, yet gentle at the same time, taking one step forward to get Evie to look closer at her. “Evie, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Frankly I’d be worried if you didn’t have this stuff going on. It’s how your body reacts to all of it and your mind trying to sort your way through it. But say it for what it is, don’t try and downplay it. This is a reactionary disorder to a traumatic experience, and I think you know that.”

Evie shrugged helplessly. “I guess… but that doesn’t mean I want it to be your problem or anyone’s problem, it was just mine, and I… I convinced myself that because of that it wasn’t important. Yet… it affects everything, and I didn’t want it to, but it still did, and… if it was just me that would be fine, but...” It wasn’t. And that was why she pushed them all away. If she fell… then at least she would fall alone.

“Did you think that pushing yourself away going to solve anything?” Jeannie could only look at her friend to see how well that was going. It reminded her of what Tori, Mason’s sister, told her as she escorted Evie out of the hospital- Evie was severely malnourished and she needed something to eat. Jeannie had to look out for that, as well as making sure Evie didn’t eat too much.

“I didn’t know,” Evie admitted defensively. “But I thought it was better than before. I never did that, I was always… open, but things only got worse…” But those two may not be connected, Nadia’s voice echoed in her ears. Evie shook her head, she still wasn’t convinced of that, and she didn’t want to be fooling herself or anyone else. “How could you be so understanding? I’m such a mess.”

“It isn’t fine, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you like this,” Jeannie replied, her usually light voice now containing distress and her expression looking more upset than ever, but she answered without a second of hesitation. “Just because it’s happening to you- well no, you just admitted that it is. Whether you realise it or not, it is important that it’s happening to you. Otherwise, I don’t think you’d be talking about it like that. I don’t know what’s bringing all this up, at least not all of it, but I want it to stop tormenting my friend like this. And that’s why I can’t let you keep doing this to yourself. Why your family isn’t going to let you keep doing this to yourself.”

Evie sighed and looked up again at her friend, a wave of emotion passing through her eyes in turmoil. “And what if I end up just dragging you all down with me?”

“Well, I don’t think that’s going to happen for a second. If we’re there we’re going to pull you back up. Because we want- no we need you. Hence, it’s our choice to stand by you, you can’t control our decisions. You’re stuck with us, whether you like it or not.”

Evie both liked and didn’t like it at the same time, if that was such a thing. She loved that they were all so willing and nice to help her, but at the same time, she wasn’t worth it, and she can’t rid herself of the fear that her friends and family didn’t fully get how dangerous she was. She… realised she didn’t know if she can fully trust that instinct anymore. And it brought her back to the question that had been riddling in her mind for the last few days. Did she fear how they saw her? Did it matter so much to her? Was it okay that it did?

“Why do I get the feeling that this isn’t the only thing that is bothering you?”

“Because it’s not,” Evie admitted. There was so much more than just the traumatic disorder she has apparently obtained. There was the grief she hasn’t properly managed, the whole fiasco regarding Josh and how she actually felt about it. It wasn’t important, she didn’t think it was, yet she knew the question remained. And there was everyone else as well. How can she reconcile with them? Because she wanted to, but how can she decide what went right and what went wrong? How can she work it out with them? And what was the point with that urge remaining in her head, which meant one day she could give into it and never see them again? How could she still be around them knowing she was just holding something that big? How can she look them in the eye knowing she held back her guilt about Oscar and Hannah?

“I… I just want it all to stop hurting,” she mumbled quietly, though not quietly enough for Jeannie not to hear her. She hesitated for a moment, not actually sure what she meant by that. Because yeah, all of the pain, the panic, the grief, even in her state, she couldn’t deny how all of it was so close to taking it’s toll, but the idea of suicide hasn’t left her, even after her talk with Zac. After so much time of it being on her mind, it can’t go away, the idea that they’d be better off without her. However, recent events had made her rethink that, that maybe she’d end up hurting them more if she did so. Jeannie didn’t know about her suicidal thoughts, Evie didn’t know if she could tell her. Even now her brain was scrambling to remember who did know: Zac, Nadia, and she had the slightest memory of saying I should be dead to Mason, without even realising he was even there to hear-

Oh no, did Matt hear her? What must he have thought if he did? What could she possibly say to him?

“I know,” Jeannie told her in a sombre voice. She didn’t realise how little her friend had begun to think about herself, how her eyes still looked blood-shot red and her limbs defeated and that hurt. This was the depression filtering into every bit of her words and actions. It broke Jeannie’s heart, just as it had when the news came in from the Bay of the explosion those months ago, when she realised that the cute, nice guy they called Oscar wasn’t going to be walking in that nervous walk he did onto campus anymore, or when their professor told the class that Maddy Osborne, a girl whom Jeannie had shared notes with almost every day, wasn’t able to be joining them for the rest of the semester. That then prompted her to crouch down next to Evie, just as an afterthought: “Give me your phone.”

Evie looked over blurrily. “What?”

“Your phone, give me your phone.” When Evie picked up her phone, unlocked it, and handed it over to the blonde, still in confusion, Jeannie quickly scrolled down the list of contacts until she found her name in it.

“Okay, good. You still have my number. Now, listen to me now Evie, okay? If you ever feel like you’re getting a panic attack, or you feel like crap, you call me, or Matt, or Mason, or your uncle or aunt, or someone, and I will do my best to distract you or whatever it is you need. We can skip lectures for all I care.”

Evie couldn’t help but snort at that. “You sure you want to put your medical career on hold?”. She knew how much becoming a doctor meant to Jeannie.

“Well, I’ll be helping someone in need. Seems to be in line with my studies,” Jeannie said, her warm smile returning. As she stood back up, she looked around. “You think you’d be okay now, or…”

She left the unspoken question in the air, leaving Evie to contemplate her answer. She was already considering telling Jeannie it was okay, she could leave her alone, she already did enough… but that was what she would have done before. Before when she felt the painful and frightening urges and fears and she didn’t know if isolating herself would do anything. The idea that she deserved the pain didn’t hold as much weight, anymore and she was only more frightened if what happened if she denied the company. She wouldn’t want to take up their time if they didn’t want to see her, but… if she accepted the possibility that they did, then shouldn’t she? She really wanted to, deep down, it would feel good, even if they didn’t talk, and if they wanted to as well…

“Actually, could you please… if you want to, can we hang out in my caravan. I… I think I want the company.”

Jeannie continued to smile brightly. “Then that is what we’ll do. Come on, kiddo.”

“Kiddo?” Evie repeated incredulously, a small grin edging on the corners of her mouth. It was so small, so insignificant, yet it was the funniest thing she heard for a long time. “We’re the same age.”

“I’m taller though,” Jeannie justified ridiculously, her smile just confirming how ridiculous the entire conversation, and also how much she enjoyed continuing it.

“That has nothing to do with it!” Evie replied, a small chuckle escaping. The whole thing felt unreal, that she was doing something so normal again. It wasn’t so long that she thought she would be ending her own life, yet here she was, chuckling at a joke. Something that was so normal, yet so gratifying to do. So wonderful that she had the ability to be with a friend again. It was something she had believed for so long to be beyond her own reach, beyond the limit that she even deserved. Yet now, despite still doubting she deserved such a thing, how nice just doing these normal things again felt seemed to reduce her fear and hesitation. Then again, wasn’t normality an unknown stranger to her? “Thanks, y’know. For agreeing to do this and everything…”

Jeannie smiled gently at her friend, a sadness entering her eyes with confusion as well. Did Evie really believe she had to thank Jeannie for being there? For just talking? Sure this was far from a walk in the park, but that is when friendship prevails, not easy or convenient, but when things where hard. She didn’t expect Evie to be experiencing such a lack of self-confidence, but it was connected to the panic attack she had, or Jeannie’s last name wasn’t Wood. “You never have to thank me for being here, Evie. I’d do this with no hesitation, and so would everyone else who cares for you. Just as long as it what you want as well.”

“It is… it is, but…” Evie trailed off, not sure of how to describe it. “I just don’t know how to work with it, that’s all. How to do it right.”

Jeannie shrugged, not sure how to answer that. She understood it, how to ask for things the right way, or when she really wants or doesn’t want something. The lines are blurrier than people would expect. It gave a harsh reminder of her own family life. Her parents had unusual beliefs as doomsday preppers, but Jeannie did her best to accommodate their beliefs in her life. However, she couldn’t deny that it had taken its toll on her. With her parents believing that the world was going to end at any second, they feared for her. For a lot of her youth she… she experienced a normal life, she attended school, she had friends, but even at  a young age even she was able to see the fear in her parents eyes whenever she returned. So playdates and outside-school events were short and in between. She had been stuck in some limbo of being coddled and over-protected and living a normal life. While the idea of everything ending made her parents want to hide away in fear, it gave Jeannie a bright and bubbly personality that was finally able to shine in high school and college, gaining more freedom year by year. She loved her parents, she did, they never forced their lifestyle upon her- but she was left wondering a lot if she wouldn’t have missed out on so much if they didn’t give into that fear.

“You okay?” Jeannie broke out of her trance by Evie looking at her inquisitively. Jeannie huffed a nervous laugh, embarrassed that she ended up thinking about it when she was supposed to be helping her friend.

“Yeah, sorry. Just some stuff to think about-”

“You want to talk about it?” Evie suggested immediately, then wincing when Jeannie looked away doubtfully. Evie hated that she couldn’t take a hint, and she feels awful because she should have realised that they must be having issues of their own to deal with, but… it was the reminder of when Zac talked to her about what he went through, and she knew, as painful as it was, she wanted to be confided with. She wanted to share comfort and help whenever she could. She realised if she couldn’t and shouldn’t shut herself away, then she could still try and be helpful, hopefully doing a better job of it. “Sorry, I should have realised… after me not wanting to talk about it, I don’t have much ground to ask that?”

“It’s fine. I’m sorry, but it’s complicated stuff, I don’t want you to worry about it…” Jeannie bit her lip. It was hard enough to talk about her life with any of her friends, even Evie. The whole situation was pretty bizarre, even if she didn’t want to betray her parents’ confidence by talking about their fears with people who wouldn’t really get it. She didn’t get it, but at least she knew her parents weren’t crazy, which was how a lot of people would interpret as such. “It’s family stuff, nothing serious but… it make things complicated. I mean… would you want to talk about it… all of it, all at once?”

“No, I don’t suppose I would. Everything’s a bit complicated isn’t it?” Evie said with a dry sigh, causing Jeannie to chuckle. “Yeah, who knew it would be so difficult to make things simple?”, she gestured widely and smiling as she did so.

“Yeah. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I don’t think I can talk about the stuff going on as well. But… maybe if we’re just both there with each other… maybe nothing has to be said.” Evie suggested hopefully. Of course, she knew she couldn’t hide this stuff anymore, she had to confront it, for good or bad, but that didn’t mean she had to bring it up. She didn’t think she’d be able to do so apart from a very few people. She liked Jeannie, but she wasn’t as close to her as she was with Matt or Maddy.

Besides… just because she had to deal with this properly now, didn’t mean anyone else’s problems became suddenly unimportant. She didn’t want them to shoulder everything for her, but maybe if they wanted to help her shoulder the burden, then she could help them shoulder their own. It reminded her of something Matt had said to her… it was a two-way street, she can’t expect to help him without him trying to help her back. However, her mind dragged up the idea of suicide once again, but got her to consider something different- if she let them back in, if she tried to be a part of their lives again, if that was what they truly wanted… then it would be much difficult to give in to that urge.

Jeannie looked over to her, her eyes brightening again and she nodded confidently. Both of them leaning up again, they walked away to the caravan together, both sharing soft smiles with one another. Jeannie reached over again, and after much consideration, Evie nodded. Jeannie reached out to her hair again and started softly playing with the strands near her ear again. It’s soothing affect remained and Evie appreciated a lot more than she’d like. Of course, the moment came to an end when Evie almost stumbled, and she had to put a hand on a bench to steady herself. Evie looked up to Jeannie’s concerned look. “Sorry, it’s just… I haven’t eaten in a while.” Zac gave her some food from the hospital, but it truly lived up to the legend of being awful hospital food. “I think I might still have some stuff in the fridge.”

“Is it enough?” Jeannie asked pointedly. When Evie looked away, Jeannie had her answer. “Right. You remember what Dr Morgan said. Where’s a place where we can get decent food? If you want to just stay in the caravan, I can go get it…”

“I…” Evie didn’t think that was what she wanted, to be left alone knowing that urge was in her head now. Before she wouldn’t have fought it, but now… then she saw Alf, in the distant with his back turned to them, and she decided she could talk to him. “Salt’s a restaurant near the beach. It’s above the surf club. Just look for a man named John Palmer and he’ll show you. I’ll got talk to him.”

Jeannie looked over to where Alf was standing. “You know him?”

Evie couldn’t help it; a knowing smile escaped her lips. “You couldn’t live in Summer Bay without knowing Alf Stewart.”

Jeannie raised her eyebrows, but smiled and went on her way. Evie walked up to Mr Stewart. It was as if he could already tell she was coming over, as he turned around to her. “Evelyn… it’s good to have you back.”

Evie nodded. “It’s… it’s good to be back, thank you Mr Stewart.” She hesitated, looking down and shuffled her foot, not sure of what to say. “The rent,” she realised with a start, remembering the money she had left as rent in the caravan. “I’d left the rent in the caravan, for you. It was for last week and-”

“It’s alright, love. I collected it anyway. Zac told me you won’t be working this week, at least not until you’re back to your strength. It was more than needed for the week actually, so I left it there for you. At least you kept it ready before the end of the weekend.”

“Yeah,” Evie said hesitantly, looking down again as if that would avoid Alf’s perceptive gaze. He always had that power, that ability to look deep into a person and tell what wasn’t being said. She didn’t know how she could say that she left the money there in advance because she didn’t plan to be back. She had left it there for him to find plus a little more because of how grateful she felt that Mr Stewart had housed their family for so long, but how exactly does she explain it, and why did she say it in the first place? That was one of the least intelligent things she could have said. “Just… wanted to say thank you in a way,” Evie explained in a hurry, giving into the desire to say all the things she wanted to say to her family. There was so much she wanted to say, apologies and appreciation and just how much she loved them. She had put it in the end of her letter (but she didn’t know whether or not Zac got that far), but writing such feelings weren’t enough. Talking about them wasn’t enough to give justice to the amount of love she felt, despite all the anger and pain, but she could try. “Thank you for giving me a caravan, and letting me stay, and taking us all in when Leah’s house burned down and… and by being you, who you are.” The words were clumsy and heavy coming out of her mouth, but Evie finally looked up into Alf’s stalwart, old eyes and hoped it was enough.

Alf blinked for a second, as if confused, but thankfully it cleared away as he cleared his throat and nodded, a warm look in his eyes. “There’s no need to thank me. I know things were difficult, but it doesn’t change anything. I considered you all my family when I brought you in, and family looks after each other.”

The words were genuine, Alf meant well, but all Evie could think about then was the smell of burning metal in this very park, the horrifying sensation of not being able to hear anything other than the blood pumping in her ears and a pale, lifeless hand escaping from a white sheet.

“Evelyn, listen. I’m sure you want to go back to your place before your friend gets back, but before that, I feel like I owe you an apology.”

Evie’s eyes furrowed in confusion, and something close to fear. “For what?”

“For that night… when I thought you had been drinking…” Alf shook his head sadly. He had talked to Zac after he came back from the hospital, and he told Alf. Zac didn’t share the full story, in fact he barely told Alf anything other than that Evie hadn’t been drinking at all, but Alf could see it in Zac’s expression, that the actual truth was a lot worse than they ever expected it to be, and he had the good grace not to inquire any further. He felt ashamed for making assumptions like that, especially for a situation as serious as this. “I thought wrong, and Zac thought wrong and we’re sorry-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Evie said quickly, not wanting to make a big deal out of this. It didn’t matter- though should it? She couldn’t help but wonder if she should have been more upset about it. Maybe drinking was a coping method for some people, but she kept herself away from it, mainly because she didn’t want to forget what she did. Maybe she ought to be more defensive about it, to regain confidence-

But what did that have to do with confidence? Not when she was so uncertain about everything else going on with her life? Nadia has talked to her about regaining self-confidence, but what did that have to do with getting angry at her loved ones? Surely there could be a way around that? She made mistakes just as much as they did, she still believed her own were more severe. She would not hold it against them. “Just... it's done, I've forgotten about it. It’s not something worth bothering about.”

“I didn’t recognise what it was, and if I had-”

“I still would have denied it. Besides, I didn’t exactly go out of my way to prove you wrong. It just… it wasn’t worth arguing about. Compared to everything else… it didn’t matter. Doesn’t matter, not really.”

Alf frowned deeply at her words, at how much she genuinely believed defending herself didn’t matter. The self-loathing in her voice was palpable, and it was dangerous. It had been haunting her for too long. “You miss him, don’t you?”

It didn’t take a detective to figure out whom Alf meant. She felt horrible for talking about it, horrible for talking about it like it only affected her, but she did. She missed him so much everything hurt. “Everyday. I... I don’t know how I can even think about anything other than how… so unfair it was. He deserved… so much better. So much ahead of him, for him to do, and-” her voice cracked, “now he’s just gone.” Every word felt like a punch to the stomach. It had been two months yet it was still unbelievable.  

“You were a good sister, you did your best for him. Anyone with two eyes could see that.”

“Doesn’t really say much. He’s still… he’s still dead, and I could do nothing,” Evie retorted, her voice a bitter voice. Now that urge screaming at her to cut got louder and louder and louder that Evie feared that it would become the only thing she could hear.

Alf could get her point of view now. If she couldn’t protect her twin, the most important person in her life, then she wouldn’t see herself as capable of anything else. Alf has so much of his life filled with regrets to understand that when the task you set out from day one ultimately fails, whether your own fault or not, very little seems to matter. From what he’d seen, Evie had been juggling both at the same time, holding onto the people that did matter while withdrawing to keep them at arm’s length. He didn’t want to see the outcome of such a match, and he didn’t think she did as well. “Losing people suddenly changes all your perspectives, doesn’t it?”

Evie nodded, not sure what else there was to say at that. It was impossible for her not to question everything about her life, her relationships, her family and friends. Why it only took Josh to be revealed as a killer for her to do so remained unclear.

“It’s not so strange you know, to feel like you want to withdraw from everything, hide away from everything. I did the exact same thing when my wife died.”

Evie looked up at him again with sorrow in her eyes. Part of her felt horrible for forgetting that other people have their own misery and loss as well, sad that they had to experience the pain she felt. Yet, the other part of her feels strangely honoured that they would want to share their own loss with her. It was what they wanted her to do, and the fact that they trusted her to share with stuff that was so personal to them… it felt horrible that they went through this in the first place, Leah and Alf’s losses and Zac’s horrifying experience, if Evie could do anything to help them through it, she would, but she also saw what they were trying to do, trying to give her hope that by sharing them with her, they were trying to be there for her, that they trusted her to share with them, to help them. It made her feel grateful and hopeful… but also more terrified that she would fail, that she couldn’t help them shoulder the burden. 

“Mr Stewart-”

“Alf, please.”

Evie sighed and started again. “Alf… I’m so sorry, it must have been awful… for you and Roo...”

“Roo actually wasn’t here, she was in America,” Alf informed her, in a matter of fact way to hide the emotion growing on his face. “Besides, Martha was Roo’s mother. I married Alisa long after Martha passed on.”

And maybe it was because Evie was so tired she reached the point that she was imagining things, but she could have sworn for a millisecond that there was a certain glean in Alf’s eye when he mentioned Martha’s name, as if there was something about his last sentence that wasn’t entirely true, but the glean disappeared as quickly as it came, and Evie was sure she imagined it and decided not to focus on it. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with her.

“But me and Alisa… we were getting out of a rough patch. We were starting a whole new chapter, and then… one moment she was there, right in front of me, bringing stuff into the house… and the next she had collapsed, right in front of me.” The memory threatened to come flashing back to him, and he had to keep his mind on the present or else having to face it again. Alf had made his peace with Alisa’s death a long time ago- yet making his peace with it doesn’t mean it doesn’t stop haunting him from time to time. He saw Evie’s face pinched with horror. He hadn’t told that story with the intention of making her feel worse, just trying to get her to understand the pain she felt was natural.

“God… Alf I’m so sorry… in front of you…that’s awful…” It was a lot more than awful, couldn’t imagine how painful and horrible it must have been for Alf to have witnessed it but it was all Evie could manage to say.

Alf nodded slowly. “It felt like the end for me… I withdrew from everything I knew and loved… I gave up even on the Baitshop… I even couldn’t be with my son without arguing with him…” Alf couldn’t help but look off somewhere, wondering where Duncan was now. It had been ages, years, since they’ve spoken. He wondered what his son had made of his life, whether or not he settled down and started a family. He wondered if Alisa would be proud of him. “It felt too much for me to be around anyone… no matter what I did, it didn’t help in the long run… it took time but I finally moved on… it doesn’t mean forgetting, it just means living.”  

“I couldn’t move on,” Evie admitted shamefully. “It never seemed right… I made so many mistakes and I… I didn’t know how to make things right… not least while ignoring things I did… or thought I did… I can’t tell the difference anymore. It seemed like a chance that I didn’t deserve, that Oscar or Hannah or… or Denny,” she looked back at Alf, and seeing the sadness in his eyes, both of them connecting through the loss of Denny. “…that I should just be left reminiscing in my own failures, on who should have… who should have been here but wasn’t. Everything I did, every argument or stupid decision I made… with them especially.” Evie tried not to shake at what she almost said who should have been here instead of me, but it was hard enough to tell Zac that, she didn’t want to worry anyone than she had to without hurting them by talking about suicide or anything like that. “When Denny first came to the Bay, I didn’t want to see her. I hated the idea of our dad being with anyone other than our mom… it was the strangest thing. After everything he did, how blind he was to what was going on with the cult, how he let us be hurt… he was still our Dad, you know. He loved our mother and that he remained faithful to her…”

“It was the only thing of him that you and Oscar could hold onto?”

Yes. It had been the last reminder of Ethan that made Evie look back at the memory of her father and smile. All the times before, all the close moments… the things he did before his death, she and Oscar both questioned every heartfelt moment they had with him. Had it been all an act, because the father they grew up with didn’t match the crazed, desperate man who let them be kidnapped and thrown in a container and left for dead. A father doesn’t do that to his own kids, no matter what. Ethan’s faith to his wife, Evie and Oscar’s mother was the only good memory of him that wasn’t tainted. She was angry at Denny because in her own mind, she took away the one thing that didn’t make Evie question her entire childhood, her entire relationship with her parent. Of course, logically, she realised afterwards that was ridiculous. Blaming Denny for it was just a way for her release her frustration and anger, and it made her feel guilty then, but after Denny died, it made (and continued to make her feel) like an awful person. “I was being so stupid… I was angry at her, I almost made her leave…”

“But you made it up to her, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but-”

“Then that’s all that should matter, love. Hundreds of people have felt and are feeling what you are feeling right now. It may not be as uniquely horrible as it is. I’ve had those days when my flaming regrets, the harsh words…” Alf couldn’t help but give a chuckle when Evie gave him a bit of a dry look, because who knows how many harsh words Alf Stewart has given in his long life. “I don’t know how you get past it, I don’t know how I got past it… but I had my family and friends to lean back on when things got hard, and… well, you just live on. 

Evie bit her lip, shuffled her shoe and looked down at all her fingers before answering. “I’m going to say something that’ll probably kick me out, but Alf, that’s not much of an answer.”

Alf chuckled again. “No it isn’t. I don’t have all the answers, love. It’s just… what it is. You get past it or you don’t. And we all want you to get past it. You still had all those good times with Denise and Oscar and everyone else, you remember them and it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.”

Evie had thought that initially, yet all those memories did was make her feel ashamed that she was still alive and they weren’t. It sparked the reminder of Nadia’s words to her of survivor’s guilt, and what Evie herself found when she, for curiosity’s sake, looked it up on her phone while in hospital. It was a condition of post-traumatic stress disorder that wasn’t properly diagnosed until the 1960s. After looking at it, and at several examples of cases, she was stricken at how much she could connect to the feelings of guilt those who suffered it felt, feeling they did something wrong by surviving something that others didn’t. And it left Evie wondering, knowing that anyone who goes through that needs support and help, deserves it… yet couldn’t properly convince herself of the same for herself. Even though she was thinking more than she did, thanks to Nadia and Zac, and was beginning to realise things may not be as she thought them to be, it did nothing to quash the guilt, even though, as she realised it now, she wanted to quash it. In some of those cases of survivor’s guilt, there could have been something the person could have done to stop it, maybe there was still something she could have done… Maybe. Is there any other word that is more haunting than maybe?

“I don’t know how to fix this. I feel like I should but I don’t. And everyone’s being so understanding and so nice, and I get why they’re frustrated, but I hate that I made them worry. Yet... they’re still want to help.” Saying that now, instead of feeling the shame that was usually there, she was hit with a thought… would it be okay, if maybe, that if she accepted that help, then maybe things won’t turn out for the worse.

You don’t know that. You’ve been letting too many people get too close, and you’ll only regret it.

Evie had to keep herself from reacting to hearing that inner thought, because after speaking with Nadia, with Zac, that voice was making less of an occurrence. But anytime it did, it came in full force, connecting itself with the urge to harm herself, she was still scared it was right, threatening to topple her and leaving her struggling to hear Alf’s voice behind it’s taunting presence.

“Well, that’s the strange thing about people. You tell them to stay out of it, even if it’s for their own good, but they’ll end up remaining involved, because it’ll hurt them more if you keep them out of it. They chose to accept what you were trying to do, Zac accepted that you were trying to protect him because he loves you and that's all that matter here. People would rather take on pain and suffer together than let anyone suffer alone. They can be an insistent lot, there.”

Evie snorted. “I guess there’s no way I could love them and still ware them off,” she reflected. Because maybe, if she knew that critic was a part of her, and maybe she didn’t know how it would end if she asked for help… but neither did the critic.

Alf snorted as well. “Would you really want to?”

Evie sighed, and then shook her head. “No.”

“Then that’s all the answer you need there. But if you do find a way to ware people off, do me a favour and tell me first. I’d want to use it against Palmer.” Evie gave a small smile at that, but Alf considered it a win.  

-----

Evie was ending up lying across the couch in caravan as soon as she entered it. She had thought of pacing, just so she would be doing something, except that her body was feeling like dead weight, as if her feet were concrete. Her stomach growled like some vicious dog and the blood in her ears were still pounding, but everything still felt so numb. Jeannie was gone for a while now. She had texted Evie, saying she made it but there was already a que in Salts. Evie texted back that was fine, but she felt worried all the same, worried something might have happened to Jeannie. Evie didn’t care about the food, just as long as her friend was okay. She wasn’t gone for long, but it was as though every worse-case scenario in her head ran past her and dominated her thoughts in those few minutes. She was becoming restless, curling and uncurling her fingers in her palms. She didn’t know if she would last long in the caravan alone.

The gentle look of concern and compassion Alf gave her (which was incredibly unlike the robust, unrelenting man that was the lifeblood of Summer Bay, in Evie’s opinion), and it reminded her of how Zac and Leah and Matt and Billie and Nadia and everyone else was looking at her. Yes, there was worry, and she hated seeing that in their eyes, but it wasn’t pity, at least she hoped not. It was sympathy and concern… and despite feeling guilty and despicable about it, she did want it.

Since when was there something wrong with wanting it?

Shut up. You don’t deserve it.

She didn’t know which she truly believed in, which side it would be okay for her to believe in. That moment with Zac, his secure, fatherly-like warm arms holding her close, it made her want to accept it more than ever before, and for the first time in a long time, she accepted that help. But afterwards she was hit with a wave of self-loathing for accepting it, but the other part of her that seemed so similar to her logical voice was urging her to give into that need for comfort, that want for it. Then again, her logical voice would never have considered Josh to be a killer, never considered the possibility that she had to live without Oscar. Everything seemed so illogical…

And the urge to cut herself, or hit herself, or anything to do to herself had remained insistent on her mind.

But Alf’s words also remained in her mind. Evie couldn’t deny at this point that her family really wanted to share her pain, to help her shoulder it. And it had made sense, because she had tried that way as well, she had tried to help Zac and Maddy. Though she had always feared that it wouldn’t be enough but she tried. She only stopped trying when everything in her head was screaming at her that it would never be enough, that she’d only make things worse. She still hated herself for giving up, for not keep doing it for them, hated not talking to Zac, or refusing Maddy’s call, even when she thought she was doing the right thing. She had tried to help Maddy, and she meant what she said, but it never felt enough, not enough that would truly help Maddy other than words, and her former best friend needed more than words. Evie wished she could have done more for her, but feared she would have just made things worse. That fear remained, but she was now considering that even though she could have tried harder before, she could try harder now. She could let them try as well, it was their own choice. She couldn’t forget the way Zac was choked when he asked her if she wanted him to leave her suffer alone-

Stop that. You’re just want to believe that. You want them to actually want you. If you truly care about them, you’d keep your distance. It’d be better for them to hate you.

Evie was no longer convinced of that, even in her state, she could see that keeping distant wasn’t going to fix anything. Not while they still care. And if they still care after- despite everything she did- how would she be able to drive them away?

She shook herself of that thought- suddenly hating even considering that. She didn’t want to drive them away, she realised, she didn’t want that. Because she realised it wasn’t just her pain that would increase- it would be Zac’s pain.

It was that reminder that helped her fight to keep herself from running to the other side of the caravan, to the drawer she knew where the scissors were, from using them on herself. She tried to think of anything to keep her of it. The first thing she could think of was Matt.

She remembered those times after Josh left, the time she spent with Matt. A lot of people would feel weird about hanging out with friends of the opposite sex after a break-up, but for her or Matt, they made it work initially. Nothing was uncomfortable, nothing was forced, it was fun, it was good to see him… Then, as she doubted everything and lost any hope of doing anything right, things changed. Matt didn’t force anything, but he was insistent, he was stubborn on trying to get her to hang out when she kept pushing him away… even though she always felt good when seeing him, and even though there were times she would want to hang out with him, other times she felt she wanted to be alone. She didn’t know how much she could trust that, because maybe, as Nadia said, everyone needs a moment to themselves, but whether or not she wanted never came into her mind when she was alone. It was dreadful, being alone, nothing but the thoughts and regrets to keep her company. 

When it came to Matt… she realised she felt annoyed when Matt made the assumptions, especially regarding Josh, but she knew it wasn’t the full story. She remembered that for as many times when he argued with her, there were also the times he tried to comfort her, thinking she deserved better than Josh, driven by his frustration of not being able to do anything and fear of what was going on when he didn't know, and his headstrong way of trying to fix it. Despite that, he remained committed not to giving up on someone he cares about (because she can accept his intentions, if everyone else was accepting hers), and… she didn’t want to ruin their friendship, but she thought it was ruined anyway.

Looking at her phone, the contacts open on the page, Evie considered calling him. She wasn’t dependent on anyone’s support, she can’t keep depending on anyone for her life. You’re weak, you know you’re weak… Evie feared it, but she also feared remaining here alone and giving into the urge to hurt herself. She didn’t need the scissors to do so, feeling her hands close into fists by her side. And even if she doesn’t… if she was getting another chance, maybe she could get things straight with Matt. If they could sort it out, maybe she’d be able to be a friend to him again. If he wanted to talk to her. If he hadn’t had enough of her.

She raised her phone with a shaky hand, her finger hovering over the call button for Matt before pressing it. she held it to her ear, the voice calling her weak every second. The seconds of calling felt like a week, it was taking too long. Long enough for the insecurities to mock her for that one small foolish indulgence of hers. He wasn’t going to call her, just because she got out of the hospital didn’t mean everything’ll be okay, she was alone, no one wanted to help her, she was awful, there was only one way out-

“Evie?”

Matt’s voice, sounding both incredulous and relieved resonated in Evie’s head for at least two seconds before she was able to answer back. All the emotions she didn’t know she was feeling was flooding forward. “Matt, hey. How… how are you?”

“How… how am I? Evie, how are you? Are… are you out of the hospital yet? Where are you? Are you… okay?” Matt’s voice was deep, and instead of sounding insistent, despite the rapid questions, he asked them attentively and compassionately.

“Yeah, just got out today. I’m in my caravan, just… just wanted to check in, see how you’re doing, wanted… wanted to hear you.” Listening to Matt’s voice made her stumble on her own words. It wasn’t what she planned to say, she couldn’t even remember what she planned to say, but she did mean it, even if she told herself she sounded pathetic. She tried to sound like she wasn’t falling apart, but she couldn’t help the tremble in her voice, and her eyes were becoming wet again and-

“What’s wrong?”

Evie sniffed and cleared her throat to choke down a sob. “No, it’s… it’s nothing, I shouldn’t be bothering you with this.”

“Oh, um… are you sure…” Matt’s voice sounded really hesitant until he took a deep breath and asked with a bit of certainty, “Do you want or… do you need to be alone now or…? If that’s what you need, then that’s okay…”

Evie contemplated saying yes, saying she ought to be alone, he shouldn’t bother, she deserved to be alone. Yet she knew there was only one honest answer she could give.

“No,” she admitted, her voice really thick. “I… I can’t be alone right now, and… I need to sort things out. Could you… I mean… are you free now? If you aren’t it’s no trouble, I can solve it on my own-”

Evie felt like that last bit was a complete and utter lie, but Matt’s answer was a sudden reassurance. “If there was anyone I thought could solve it on their own, it’s you. But I’m free now, if you want me to come over-”

“Yes,” Evie blurted out before she reconsidered and decided she was too weak. He probably had a lot of stuff to deal with and she didn't want to make things more difficult for him. “Please come. I… we need to talk. I know it’s probably an inconvenience and after everything the last thing you would probably want is deal with this-”

“No, this is exactly what I want to talk about. You are not an inconvenience, okay?”

“Matt-”

“No, you’re more than that. You’re so much more… I’m on my way, okay?”

----

Matt was terrified.

Grateful, that Evie was letting him in, but also terrified of what he might find. Evie’s words didn’t give much away of what was going on, but her need to see him, was obvious. He was learning to get that some people need to be alone, even if it seemed strange to him, but he was learning. Evie made him want to learn.

His mind was driving him to terrible scenarios, the worse ones were him going there, her cutting herself and him being completely hopeless in helping her- the worst one was him going there, and she had… she had killed herself. That was why he was double-timing it, praying to anyone, anything that that outcome will never come to pass, that he wasn’t too late.

He was able to get a break off work to see her. He had been working harder than usual, probably because of the adrenalin he was feeling in preparing to help Evie when she got out of hospital, and the fact that he enjoyed the work really helped and was actually good with working with cars. And now, as he pulled into the caravan, he was desperate to keep the energy, but not too much that he just rushes in and messes the whole situation up.

Not for the first time, he wondered whether or not he should have brought Olivia here. She had been both tremendously and surprisingly helpful in getting him to be aware of how Evie may act and what she would need. Matt, surprising himself, was able to hammer all the information and guidance into his brain (when he needs to, his memory was like lightning) and practiced saying it the right way, but he feared he would mess it all up regardless. Maybe Olivia would have known better, but Matt didn’t want to push her anymore than she already has, sensing that this situation was touching too close to home for the younger girl. Matt was grateful enough for the help she did give him, and besides, he realised that if this was to be sorted, it had to be between him and Evie.

He prepared himself for what he would say. He wanted to help Evie, he wanted to be there for her, to understand when she needed him, but he also wanted her to know that she can’t expect him to just stand by and let her life go downhill, not without trying to help, not without trying to fix things. He also needed to apologise properly for not thinking clearly before, with Josh and… everything else he missed.

He hesitated in front of the door of the caravan. He went through all of it in his head, all the right things in his head. He gathered his nerves and tried to hold onto them tightly, he knocked on the door. He waited for a second, filled with dread, but it was soon replaced by relief when he heard footsteps approaching the door from the inside. When Evie opened the door, he tried to give a small smile, but it was perhaps the smallest smile he could manage, dripping with worry and apprehension.

Evie looked as though she was the definition of exhaustion. Her eyes were blinking quickly, her eyes looked red-shot, and her fingers were twitching and twisting against each other on her shorts. She looked very thin and her clothes were hanging onto her. Matt never felt so grateful to see her.

“Hi,” Evie said, her voice a low whisper, which Matt responded with equal fervour.

She looked down for a second and then without hesitating, she asked, “Would you like to come in?”

Matt nodded, and walked up the steps into the caravan. He looked around and found it empty. There wasn’t anything that it looked like Evie owned on the table or the cupboard or couch. “You kept it clean at least,” he remarked, trying to start the conversation light at least. To his relief, Evie gave a genuine snort.

“Yeah, at least I’m not going to get noise complaints or anything.” Almost everything she brought with her from the house remained in the bags she brought with her. Apart from clothes, she didn’t need any of the other stuff.

Matt gave her a small smile and nodded along, shuffling on his feet. The two sat down in silence on opposite sides of the table in the couch. The two of them looked all over the room, taking great notice at the surroundings before they focused on each other.

“Listen, I’m sorry-”

“I’m really sorry-”

They both talked at the same time, words washing over each other. They looked at each other startled. Then Evie said incredulously “Wow, did we really-”

“Did we really fall for that?” Matt repeated bemusedly. If it was any other situation, he’d be laughing at the idea that they had fallen for such a cliché that is found in romantic movies, but he remembered what he had to talk to Evie about, which dampened any idea of  amusement in his head. Evie sighed and Matt shrugged in response, before Evie gestured for him to go first.

“I’m… I’m really sorry for not handling things better than before. I should have realised with you and Josh… I knew you wouldn’t have stood for anything he did, and I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have assumed anything about how you feel about him, especially when I didn’t know the full story, I was being reckless... I was an idiot." Evie looked like she wanted to object but Matt shook his head and continued. "I should have been more careful about what I said, careful with my jokes all of it… I was trying to make things better, but I know I could have tried better to see things from your own perspective and I want to try again, I’m… I’m so sorry, Evie.”

Evie looked at him, noticing with sympathy how pale he looked, and the uncertain look in his eyes, but his words were genuine and she had to think about them. Before, being locked in her own self-hatred, she wouldn’t have thought about it, but even though she still held herself responsible for a lot of things and felt she didn’t deserve any apologies, she understood why Matt apologised. She understood he wanted to fix what went wrong and not repeat the same mistakes, especially not with the people he cared about. She tried to ignore the itching feeling that reminded her the scissors were right over there, and focused on who was in front of her. “It’s okay, I… I forgive you, you don't need to apologise.” she said. And she meant it. She didn’t want to fight with him over this.

Matt shook his head. She was being so nice in forgiving him, but he wasn’t going to let himself off the hook too easily. “It’s not though. You’re my… you’re my best friend, I should have been more patient, more… I don’t know, more of a better friend, and-”

“I know it wasn’t because you were trying to hurt me. You didn’t know, I didn’t tell you much of what was going on, I get that, it wasn't because you were stupid, you're not Matt, it’s just…” Evie grimaced and clasped her hands together. She felt incredibly uncomfortable talking about this, because it felt like talking about herself, and she remained unenthusiastic about it, but the fact was it was all boiling up inside, burning away at her resolve and it all wanted to make it’s way out. “Matt… what you have to get is that… I don’t know how I feel about Josh. I hate what he did, I hate that he just runs off… but I… I just can’t get how we got to that stage. Because… I was sure there was something I could have missed, something I could have done… to make him see what he was doing was wrong…”

“He hide it from you though,” Matt replied, hating that she still blamed herself for something Josh did and hid from her. “It’s not as if he left some obvious signs saying he did it.”

“But that’s the point Matt!” Evie pointed out. “I couldn’t see it. And… now I’m wondering what else have I missed. All those times we were together… were… were they even real? Was our whole relationship a big lie? If it was… but if it wasn’t… did I owe it to him to stand by him or-”

“Absolutely not,” Matt said resolutely. “What he did outweighs anything you may owe him. If you feel angry about him, then that’s completely normal.”

“Well, it doesn’t fix everything. It doesn’t make me wonder about everything, everything I felt for him… It was all messed up and…” Evie looked to Matt, wondering if she should even say it… “Matt… I know you were trying to get to help, but how can you tell me what to feel when I don’t even know myself,” she asked her voice rising at every word. “Just because I don’t talk about it doesn’t mean I forgot it, do you get that? I couldn’t get it into words- I still don’t know if I can! Do you know what it’s like to have to question everything you believed in before, to wonder if you were just trying to trick yourself into believing what you want to believe and… feeling… feeling like the people around you are acting like you a time bomb ready to erupt?” She admitted, realising the feeling she never felt before.

“No,” Matt admitted abashedly, but he didn’t try and stop her. Evie needed this, she needed to get this all out. He could read it in her expression.

“I get it, I get you felt frustrated about not knowing what was going on, and me pushing you away, but… you were rushing ahead with your assumptions, you were rushing too far, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I couldn’t deal with it okay, I didn’t want to make things worse,” she ended in a whisper, feeling her body getting so tense it was a miracle she got all those words out. She felt guilty talking about it, but it was all inevitable, she felt, she was going to let it all lose eventually. It didn’t keep the guilt down, or stop the urge to hurt herself. “If I didn’t know what it is, didn’t know if I could forget all of it…” she trailed off, shaking her head. She was even wondering if she should have told him.

“Okay,” Matt said, taking it all in. And as if he read her mind, he said, “You’re right. I should have realised that. It's good that... that you told me this, I want to know where I messed up to fix it. I mean… I still don’t forgive Josh any more than you do, and I can’t pretend like I understand it… but I guess it does make sense that you… I mean… you and him… were going to be married. No one can really shut off those feelings like a lamp, can you?”

“No, you can’t, though there are times I would have liked to,” Evie admitted dryly.

“But… just because I was worried like that… It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you. It was because I hated seeing you hurt like that. I hated the idea that what Josh did was controlling your every move… you deserved better than him, and I wanted to help you get through it. I wanted you to get well again and… I know you were trying to protect me, but I don’t need that protection. I wanted to be involved, I wanted to be there for my best friend and try and put the pieces back together, and that you weren’t letting me, yous shut me out, that you were keeping it all to yourself… I doubted myself, I was worried that this was something I couldn't do anything about, and it made me frustrated. I mean, from what I saw… how could you think I was just going to keep out of it?” He remembered how Evie thought she should be dead, her panic attacks, how could he just stand by and let it happen?

“I know I shouldn’t have left you like that wondering... I didn't want you to feel frustrated, and I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry for not telling the full truth, I could have… I don’t know how, but I could have explained things better-”

“I could have as well,” Matt said, his voice wavering as he didn’t want her to lose herself in blame. He knew she wanted to make things right, even when she had given up hope. “I… I could have explained why I was worried, I shouldn’t have put the wrong ideas in your head… I… I ought to have realised better than most how awful it felt to be smothered. I won't force you into anything you don’t want to do because I want to, and I really hope I haven't, but if I did, I am sorry. I... I forgive you for not talking to me or whatever it was, but I hope you can forgive me for putting pressure on you.”

“I know you're trying to not make me feel worse,” Evie replied gently. She knew Matt wasn’t doing so to hurt her, even when a part of her felt convinced he should have done it just to be mean to her, just to spite her. She didn’t want him to apologise, she didn’t want him to feel worse. She wasn’t blameless in this, she made mistakes. “but it doesn’t change the fact was that I was pushing you away at the same time. If I had told you what I needed, you would have accepted it, I know you're a good person, despite what you think. Matt, you have made sacrifices for your friends that very few other people would have, but I didn’t tell you, and that was my own choice. I was already pushing myself away before, I left our friendship because I didn't want it destroyed, even though that doesn't make even sense. I wanted to be the person to support you Matt, you're my best friend, I wanted to be there, but I still pulled away from us… I couldn’t trust myself.”

“So,” Matt sighed after a long silence. “I blame myself, you blame yourself… we gonna sort the blame game out like a tug of war or what?” He smiled at the end, a desperate smile, but one that increased when Evie smiled as well. She couldn’t help it.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want you to feel worse at my own expense. I just want you to understand, while I still think I should be sharing this with... anyone. Maybe, we both messed up, but I don't want our friendship to be ruined because of that. Because… Matt, seeing you, hanging out with you… it was one of the few things that got me through it all for a very long time. You and Zac and Leah were the ones who were getting me out in the morning, you were. Hanging out, it was what I wanted as well, I had fun, and I hope… I hope it was what you wanted as well. I was just… I was sure it didn’t matter what happened to me, I didn't think about what I needed, I didn't care about it, not when other people were hurt… far worse. I wasn’t going to let my own happiness get in the way of people I… I care about getting hurt. I didn't want to be that selfish-”

“I would have taken the risk,” Matt insisted. “I don’t want you to feel worse for me either, but I also don't give a damn about inconveniences, or dealing with extra hassle.”

“I… I thought you should care, I thought you deserved better than to deal with this. I… I thought you would have grown fed up with me, and- it wasn’t because of anything you did. With everything going on with me… it was too much, and I was sure it was too much for anyone to deal with willingly, and I didn’t want to force you into it.”

“You’re not forcing me to help you. I’m choosing to, just like you’re choosing to forgive me. I wasn't there as much as you needed me to be before, but I will be now, I promise. You deserve to be taken care of. You deserve to follow your own happiness." Matt locked both his hands on the table and leaned forward to look Evie in the eye, so she could tell how serious he, Matt the joker, the former class clown, was.  

"Please… please let me help, please tell me when you want space for yourself. I understand now when you would need it. I.. I miss the times when we hang out, I loved hanging out with you, it was one of the few things left in my life that made me truly smile, and…” the memories of the scars flashed through his brain, how much she had hurt, and Matt would give anything to make sure those times came back again. “I want us to do that again, as long as it is what you want it as well, but only if it’s that. I can't unless you want it as well. Maybe we both handled this wrong before... but it doesn't mean we'll keep doing it.”

Evie looked at him, looked at how earnest he was, and wondered how she got such a wonderful friend. How could he want to be with someone so full of mistakes and self-hatred and sorrow. "I really do," she admitted, before chuckling helplessly. “Look at the pair of us, trying to tell the other how to do things.”

Matt was going to respond hopefully when he noticed something. And it was extremely difficult to keep his eyes away from it. It… it looked like a bruise on her forehead, that part of her temple tucked away behind bangs of black hair. It… it may not have been what he thought it was, maybe she could have bumped her head against something… but he remembered the scars, the frightened, despairing way she said I should be dead, I should be dead in some mantra, and he knew he couldn’t keep quiet.

“Evie, are you okay? I’ve… it’s nothing you did wrong, you’re alright, but I’ve noticed… what has happened?”

Evie looked back to him, her nervousness getting the better of her. “What do you mean? It’s nothing”, she said, already biting on the lie because she feared he had seen it. She had tried to fight the urge she did, but… but she was hit with so much fear and guilt after she called Matt, despite how eager he sounded. It made her hope that he actually did want to see her, that he didn't hate her-, but then all the opposite questions came flowing back. What if she ended up opening up again, what if she ended up hurting him? She tried to remind herself of Nadia’s words, of Zac’s words, of Jeannie’s reassurances and of Matt’s earnestness. She could only hear the words, you’re going to hurt him, you’re going to hurt him, you’re going to hurt all of them, and it just overwhelmed her. She didn’t go for the scissors, but she ended up hitting herself. She ended up pounding her temple before she could even consider anything other than the usual feeling of wanting to punish herself, needing to hurt herself.

However, she was filled with shame afterward, even when she was convinced she deserved it. She didn’t know what would happen if someone found out, what would Matt would think- except she did know. He would be hurt by it, he would feel bad about her hurting herself, he would be horrified- or else, she wondered if he wouldn’t. Maybe he’d be disgusted at her for doing this to herself, the inner voice whispered smugly. No one should do that to themselves, why did she do it, even if she deserved it. why did she let her do that to herself. Evie tried to tell herself that wasn’t true, that she could trust Matt- but she had never done this to herself before this year, didn’t know anyone who self-harmed. She had no idea how the people around her would react. He may hate her, maybe they’ll all see her for how horrible she truly was-

She didn’t realise how much she was gasping for breath, her eyes clouding with unshed tears. It was funny, she thought she cried out all of her tears when she cried with Zac. But she… she didn’t want to disappoint Matt, she didn’t want to disappoint anyone, she didn’t want to hurt anymore, why didn’t she die…

Suddenly she felt something close to her hand as she was falling apart. She was on the floor, curled up near the couch. Matt was on the floor as well, sitting next to her, his hand not touching hers, but letting her be aware of his presence, if she wanted to. She could see his face, blurry through her tears, and his face was stricken and worried, not sure of what to do.

Evie reached out for his hand hesitantly, as if she was afraid if she reached out he would pull away. But he took her hand, and held onto her gently. That encouraged Evie to grip his, as she chocked on trying to calm down as tears rolled down her face.

“I… I can’t hold it in anymore,” she admitted amid her tears.

“What is it?” Matt asked, his voice nervous. He was wondering if this was it, was Evie going to tell him? Would he have to ask?

“I’ve… I’ve…” Evie dragged a hand across her face, wishing she could just disappear, disappear into a scuttle in a dark hole somewhere.

Matt saw her face darken, as if she was shrinking back from herself, but he didn’t think he should stop, not when she looked so upset. He had to be gentle, though, he didn’t want to force her into anything. “If you don’t want to talk about now, or ever if you want to, that’s fine, but if you do-”

“I do,” Evie blurted out, crying now. “I want to, it’s… it’s all in there, and I’ve been keeping it all in, and I can’t do it anymore, it’s too much pressure, but I… I also don’t want to. I’m afraid of what you'll think. I don’t want to hurt or disappoint you.”

“That’s not important. This is not something to be ashamed of. It’s not…selfish or cowardly or anything bad, what you’re feeling, it’s none of those things. But… if I can help you in anyway, I'm here.”

Evie didn’t know how to go forward from here. Everything in her head was hurting and she felt as though it was ripping her apart. Her heart was pounding so hard she felt dizzy, but all she could think was, don’t talk about it, don’t admit it, don’t be selfish, so what if she’ll keep living in fear, she was so afraid about it, it was so pathetic, she still had to keep it in, she was so worried about how others thought about her, if she did this she’d lose them, she’d be right to lose them, she didn’t deserve help, don’t be self-seeking, don’t be stupid, don’t be a burden-

But when, she turned to Matt, and saw nothing that looked like judgement, annoyance or anything other than disappointment, and a new thought came into her head- don’t be afraid.

“I… I’ve been hurting myself.” It felt horrible to say, yet it also made her feel incredibly light, like it was suddenly all free, no shackles or anvils holding her back. But that moment lasted for only a second, because she hated saying it, she sounded cowardly, selfish, her heart was hammering in her chest and she just wanted it to stop. She swore that she would never let anyone see her like this, yet it seemed like another thing she messed up. She forced her hands down to her legs, feeling a snippet of astonishment that she was still capable of moving her hands, and drove her fingernails back through the pants and reaching into the skin, her shaky, improper gasps of breaths hitching as she pressed harder.

She heard Matt inhale beside her, his grip never losing for a second. His face was falling, and his own eyes were watering, yet his hand never left hers as he tried to pry them away from her legs. She shouldn’t have told him. She knew the reaction would never be good, she should never have told him.

“Pl-please… please don’t hate me,” Evie gasped. “I know it… it is awful, I shouldn’t have told you, and I deserve the pain and I’m awful, and I… I shouldn’t even be alive, but… please… please don’t hate me.”

“I’m not going to hate you, I could never hate you, I, and Leah and Zac and Mason and everyone, we are all so glad you’re alive,” Matt said resolutely amid his panic and sorrow. It brook his heart to see Evie crying like this. He hasn’t seen her like this in a very long time. He leaned out of Evie’s grip to look her in the eyes. He wiped off tears from her cheeks with such gentleness Evie almost dissolved into sobs again.

It was taking everything within Matt not to cry right now, not when Evie needed him, so he remembered the key words Chris and Olivia gave them and he started. He couldn’t forget the words, he needed to stay calm and supportive. He felt anger at how terrible things have gotten, but he wasn't going to let it show, not to Evie. He would never let her think she had done something wrong here.  “What do you feel when… you feel like doing that? What is your mindset at?”

“I… I just feel so much anger and pain and… I hate that Oscar’s gone, and Hannah and Denny and I can’t connect with everyone anymore. It just was… so numbing. I felt empty and couldn’t let myself think of things like Josh or how much I missed them… I felt like I deserved to feel something harsh, something hurting, because of the pain I caused to everyone else. I needed it… I thought I could use it to keep me focused, to keep me from making mistakes.” She looked back over to him, hating how much both of them were hurting right now. Matt’s face was twisted in an expression she couldn’t even begin to describe. She wasn't telling him this to hurt him, or trying to get him to fix her, but just so he could understand, just so she could get it out. She hoped she wasn't wrong in doing so. 

“But I kept making mistakes, and I… I just needed to feel the pain when things got too much. I thought I deserved it.” Evie took a shuddery breath and sobbed as she shifted uncomfortably. “I still think I deserve it.”

“When do things get too much?” Matt asked.

Evie shrugged helplessly. “All the time.” She looked down at her sleeve, knowing where the cuts had been. She also knew that Mason and Tori cleaned the cuts up, cleaning them up and preventing anything from being infected. She reached out to the sleeve to pull it open, but she hesitated, looking at Matt. “Could… could you please not look? I…I need to see it, but…I won’t do it if it makes you uncomfortable, and I… I don’t think I can if you're…”

Matt nodded slowly, even though the crashing waves in his head was receding. “You need to check them, I get it. I’ll look away.”

Evie was so nervous that she was saying the wrong or selfish thing by asking for it, but she nodded gratefully, as she reluctantly pulled up the sleeve to look at her wrecked skin Most of the scars were white, or faded pink, but there were some that flushed angrily. Band-aids and cream were streamed over the cuts. Evie had to admit Mason and Tori did a good job taking care of them, and she felt it was nice of them, but she felt ashamed that she put them through dealing with that.

“Well, they did a good job covering it,” she muttered in a wooden tone, not giving anything away. She spoke really quietly but Matt still heard her and his entire body tensed.

“Evie… don’t. Don’t talk like them saving your life was a mistake.” Matt’s voice came out grim and pain-stricken. Evie couldn’t tell him that a part of her still believed saving her life was a mistake, but she still felt it. She felt so tired that if she was standing on a balcony, if it wasn’t for Matt and Zac and Leah and everyone else that she wanted to stay, the pavement far down below would have looked like a soft bed. She shouldn't have put it like that though, especially how he reacted, her words were incredibly callous. It wouldn't have mattered as much to her if she said it to herself (no matter how much of a jolt it gave her), but to someone else...

“I’m sorry, I… I just needed to pay for what I did. Everyone around me was hurt… it only seemed like the only thing I could do. I hate feeling like this, but I do… all the time. I just can’t live with…”

“With what?”

“With letting Oscar and Hannah die. With letting my family down.”

Evie looked away, tears gathering up again. “But I care about you guys, I really missed you all… I hurt you leaving. I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“Evie,” Matt felt he had so much to say but he didn’t know which one to start with. He decided to pick the one that mattered the most to her. “Oscar loved you, Hannah loved you, nothing would have ever changed that, and nothing would have changed your love for them. You are a protector, through and through. I understand why you did what you did- because the people you care about couldn’t stop mattering for you. You mean too much for everyone for us not to do anything. You’ve… you’ve been through so much this year and you want the pain to keep adding on. You don’t think you deserve anything good this world can give you. Aren’t you tired, Evie? Hasn’t it been enough?”

Evie shrugged, still silently crying. Matt couldn’t tell whether or not she thought it was. When she spoke again, her voice was gravelly and still sounding so defeated. “It never seems enough. It doesn’t seem to end, not with Oscar gone… not with me still here. I couldn’t even handle it keeping it together right, I was just lying about all of it. I thought it was the right thing to do, but I was just lying… I was just like Hunter or Josh…”

No, absolutely not, no. Matt was not hearing this from Evie, not now or ever.

“No, nothing like Josh or Hunter. This… it isn’t good, but I know you were just trying to cope and you were afraid, it’s natural. This wasn’t your fault, none of it. This isn’t even close to what they did, you are not a criminal, you’re not a bad person, you weren’t trying to hurt us and you weren’t covering up a crime or anything as bad as that, never think that.” Matt let Evie consider that for a moment, before asking tentatively, “Do you think, do you want Zac or Leah down here so?”

Evie shook her head rapidly, her posture straightening. “They… they can’t see me like this, I don’t want them to be disappointed or ashamed, I don’t know how I can deal with them seeing… what I did. I’m so afraid of how they would think. God, how am I any different-”

“You are different from them, you are worth the help, you are worth the world. This is about your own mental health, it is affecting you. Zac and Leah would never be disappointed in you. They love you, we’ll always worry about you, the same way you would for us. 

And you can’t be afraid of what people would think, you never were before. It'll still hurt us to see you in pain. You can’t live your life in fear of what would happen, that’s no way to…” he hesitated, but realised he can't think of any other way of putting it, “it’s no way to live. It’ll be okay-”

“It’s not going to be okay, Matt,” Evie suddenly shouted. “It doesn’t feel like that, it’ll may never be okay again! I was so weak, so stupid!” She drops down back into her crouched position, her hands scarping against in anguish. Inside her own head, Evie’s words echoed tormentingly again and again. Everything has changed, and they weren’t going to be the same again. And part of it was because of what she did to herself. Even if it wasn’t her fault, it will still be changed, how everyone sees her would change. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry you heard me talking about it, I’m sorry I made you worry, I’m…” she mumbled against her own knee, but Matt edged forward, taking hold of her fist gently.

“If I'm not allowed to apologise, then you shouldn't either," he whispered with a gentle smile. “I promise you, this…” he gestured around them. “This shouldn’t make any of us change our opinion of you. You are still the same clever, kind, enduring… admittedly over-stubborn and insistent,” he added dryly before getting serious again, “person who I am so happy to call my friend. No one who really cares about you would ever think you were weak or stupid or anything you thought you were, even if they knew about this. But if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want to do,” Matt said earnestly, taking his own friend’s needs before anything else right now, but when Evie winced and brought a hand to her temple, Matt realised they ought to take care of that. “But, you need to be taken care of, you need help.”

“I need help,” Evie repeated distantly, her face staring off into the distant, but the look in her eyes was suddenly determined. Matt never thought he heard anything braver. Then she winced again, holding her head together as a massive headache was coming on.

"What do you think we should do?" Matt asked, needing to know what she felt the next step should be. 

“I think… I think we need to take care of this,” she said, pointing at her own head.

“Okay, I’ll look around for something,” Matt insisted. He stood up, looking over the cupboards for an ice pack or some medicine or something, but he couldn’t find anything. Evie stood up as well, getting her phone in her hand, while reaching for a towel near the sink. She turned on the water and she pressed the towel under the cold water. Looking back to Matt, she shrugged sheepishly despite her tears. “I used to take aspirin when I was at the house when I got headaches. Overtime I neglected it, but sometimes… sometimes when I just need to get through the day, I just used a cold towel on my forehead.”

Matt nodded acceptingly, though they both knew that wasn’t enough. “It’s better than nothing.”

“I can call Jeannie, she said she was coming back and… she can get some aspirin. But until then, could we… could we just sit here, for a while?”

“Absolutely.” They both sat down on the couch together. Matt sat down carefully, not wanting to be close in case he made Evie feel uncomfortable, the last thing he wanted was for her to feel smothered or anything, but then Evie did something he didn’t expect of her then; she scooted forwards, and after three seconds of hesitation, she leaned towards him, resting her head on his shoulder. Matt, feeling so much gratitude and wonder, gave her a look asking for permission, and she gave a slight nod, he gently raised his arm around her shoulder to bring her closer and rested his forehead against her hair, breathing in her scent, not even caring about the smell. This, for the moment, was their normal.

“Matt…” Evie suddenly murmured, her voice ridden with concern. Matt looked down at her worried.

But Evie was staring at him with concern all of a sudden. She gestured down at his hand, and told him, “Matt.. you’re shaking.”

Matt looked down and to his surprise, his hand was shaking. His fingers were interlocked with each other and they were trembling within each other. Of course, he shouldn’t be surprised he was shaking- he was so nervous, and it was more than just about saying and doing the right thing. The two of them had skirted closer to Evie’s death than Matt would ever want to venture. They were trapped in a nightmare world where he could make all the promises and reassurances that he wanted, but he feared it wouldn’t be enough to guarantee he could save Evie from herself. To guarantee that the suffocating darkness that had followed Evie for too long wouldn’t take hold.

What if he wasn’t what Evie needed? What if it wasn’t enough? Matt wanted to do this for Evie, a girl that mattered so much to her as a friend and a person, a girl who truly needed help finding her way out of the pain and misery. He wasn’t one of those twits prancing around acting like they’re saving some helpless damsel in distress (and he needed to make sure he didn’t end up like one), because Evie was so much more than that, even when she was in pain. But he wasn’t naïve enough to believe that would be enough, because it may not.

However, as long as he had help, as Evie had other people in her corner as well as him, it may well be enough. It may be enough to help Evie enjoy what she enjoyed before again. It may be enough to keep her alive.

Evie was still concerned over the shaking and placed her hand over his, just like he did. It was the way he had treated her, with no judgement or disappointment, that made her feel like she could do the same for him, to let him know he didn't have to be ashamed of being afraid. She just wished she hadn't made him feel like that. Still, he had jumped into a hypothetical rabbit hole with her, hand in hand, and she won't forget that. 

Matt looked back at her abashedly and held onto hers, though it didn’t stop the shaking. “Thank you, thank you for trusting me,” he told her, before chuckling helplessly. Here he was trying to comfort her, and she ended up doing the same to him at the same time. Evie was truly quiet something. “Guess I don’t know what normal is anymore.”

Evie chuckled gently as well, remembering an old conversation. “Yep, still can’t find that friend of yours ‘normal’. Any luck so far on your end?”, and then as an after-note. "Thank you."

Well, they talked about their issues (and hopefully I've done it without being unfair to either side) and now things are looking up and Evie'll begin to see things more positively about herself. Thanks again for your patience, guys. 

[Red Ranger 1]

Good that Evie's talking to people now.

[D.B]

Hi Everyone, long time no see.

I wish this was me uploading another chapter, but however I am very sorry to say that I am abandoning this story. I have lost the passion I had before when I started this more than a year ago. 

When I started this fic, I did it with the intention of rewriting Evie's storyline of 2016. I had always thought Phillipa Northeast did a fantastic job portraying her grief, but I also always believed the writers could have taken different roads to portray the mental downfall Evie probably would have experienced as a result of the losses she suffered, compounded by her being betrayed by Josh (because let's be frank: Josh betrayed her the moment he let Zac go to prison and he lied to her, a fact that wasn't truly acknowledged by the show). I felt that realistically, that would leave her with a lot of trust issues, depression, trauma caused by being in a life-threatening situation and survivor's guilt for being alive after losing so many people in her live. All of which are aspects of her mental health that could have, and should have, been explored properly and respectfully in the show. Instead, I never thought they took it seriously enough, instead focusing on the romance, which I know it's Home and Away, but still... mental health doesn't get taken seriously enough on this show, or in a lot of other shows, so this fic, I guess, was trying to do Evie justice.

I won't lie, it got a lot more difficult with every chapter I wrote. Writing about mental health respectfully, making sure that I got as much details accurate as possible, trying to portray the characters as accurate as possible- it was a lot more difficult than I first imagine. It was weary everyday to write about this type of material, stuff that real people suffer from everyday. Trying to fit in writing hard chapters that took more than a week to write in my schedule between my work hours and the time I was spending with family and friends, which has become more difficult over the past year due to Covid, had left me more than once beyond the point of exhaustion. The stuff I was writing and the few reviews I've gotten from it left me with deep anxiety about whether I was doing it right. I'm not trying to guilt anyone here, I know its been really hard for everyone this year and the last thing anyone would want to do is look at some dark story exploring the downfall of mental health. It was your own decision and I don't blame you. I still felt anxious posting every chapter to the point that I almost couldn't function, and I made mistakes, writing some characters the wrong way sometimes when I intended otherwise. And now, with my work increasing at a crucial time, and Covid getting worse, I realised I needed to get my priorities in order or else I could seriously mess up this story even more. So I'm leaving the site for a while and abandoning this story. 

However, I did have a plan when it came to the rest of this story, and I'm outlining it here, because you guys have stuck by this story no matter how downhill I felt it went, so you deserve to know where I was planning to go:

• In the next chapter, Evie would further confront her self-harm with Matt, who would still be struggling to respond properly to deal with something like this properly, but will still do his best to not act impulsively and be more mature. Evie meanwhile would still have a lot of self-doubt and wouldn't immediately believe his reassurances. However, eventually she would gain the courage to tell Zac and Leah the truth. They would immediately support her and assure her that they still loved her, that what she did didn't define her. 
• Matt does become more mature and more wise to what Evie needs and to respect her wishes, and being able to reassure his own insecurities so that it doesn’t get in the way of their friendship, while both make sure their needs are addressed and respected. Once the majority of their issues, while not going away but improve, they talk about the possibility of them being a couple, but realise neither are still in a good place to even consider a relationship and their friendship means too much to them to mess it up.
• Together with Zac, Leah, Matt, Chris, Jeannie and even Olivia, Evie would create a support group for herself that would ensure that she remains safe, that she starts eating again and tries to restrain her tendency to hurt herself when she fears she's putting the people she loves in danger or if she messes up. This is where Zac and Nadia would come in their elements- encouraging Evie to not look back in anger at her mistakes, but to feel good that she is able to realise it's okay not to get everything right at the first go and to learn in the long-term how to do things right.
• The therapy sessions continue, and Nadia will convince Evie that even if she accepts the inner critic as herself as she already had, that doesn't mean she should rely on it and gives her advice on how to keep her worse instincts in check, and helps break Evie out of her own black and white outlook when it is clearly holding her back. Nadia gets Evie to admit her good characteristics and gets her to rely on them- but also getting her to realise that she can make all the decisions for herself, but she can't let her decisions dictate those of the people around her- they chose to help her. 
• During these sessions, Evie finally acknowledges the pain her losses have given her, how much Denny's death that went unnoticed for so long hurt, how much of a presence Hannah and Oscar had in her life (with this I would use memories from Evie's childhood to make it more heartfelt), and the hurt that Josh's actions cause her- and the fact that he used her to escape immediate justice (because whether or not he intended to or not is irrelevant because Josh lied, he left, and nothing he did speaks in his defence, and besides he still used Evie's grief to get Kat to back down). Admitting this would help her a lot. 
• Eventually the money from Hannah's life insurance would come back to the story, with the charity Evie gave it to offering her a chance to raise more money. Evie begins to see this as a a chance and does the sleepover at the school as she did on the show (except for the kiss from Mason- there's no romance going on there). I meant to put that earlier in this story, but plans changed.
• Billie takes it upon herself to look after Evie and helps her to deal with her anger in the gym as a healthier way of dealing with it- as a result they got closer as well. When the fallout of Billie's revelation to VJ that he isn't the father of her kid breaks out, Evie does her best to support Billie and when she finds the truth as to why Billie lied she convinces VJ to get her another chance. However, Evie convinces her to be more open and not hide the secrets from VJ, not wanting Billie to make the same mistakes Evie did. 
• Evie still experiences nightmares and bouts of depression. She will still experience the urges to hurt herself,- because once you go down that spiral, it is not an easy process to get out of it. She feared deteriorating and going back to square one, but her family persuades her that falling back to square one should only convince her to start again and remain clean for longer than she did before- and that they'd be there to catch her if she falls.
• It still doesn't help her overcome her fear of losing everyone she cares about, or her guilt and grief for Oscar and Hannah. It takes a while for her to be convinced that she deserved another chance to be with the people she loved and that the best way to honour Oscar and Hannah is to remember, but move on, to live her own life. And she finally makes her peace with Oscar and Hannah's passing- something like the grave scene on the show.
• In the process of getting out of her black and white viewpoint and that she deserves forgiveness and love, she finally confronts Kat and Hunter and basically asks why they did what they did, and while she admits she could never forget what Hunter did, she is able to forgive both of them and tries to make something good out of it. She is tired of holding onto that hate and wants to try something new. After she and Zac have an honest conversation where both admit their fears about Hunter and whether or not it's worth to actually change him, Evie accepts that Zac would want a changed Hunter back in his life (because Zac admits he felt he owed Hunter for leaving him with Charlotte for his childhood), but would step in immediately if she thought Hunter would be lying again. 
• Evie also confronts her own past, and the mistakes she made. After encouraged by Nadia, she writes to Tamara and gives a genuine apology for covering for Oscar about her accident and apologises to Maddy. Maddy admits she was hurt by what she and Josh did, but also admits she let it go a long time ago, and her friendship with Evie was more important to her than the past. The situation with Tamara is left more ambiguous, and I was going to do that on purpose, because it would be up to Tamara to forgive her.
• Overtime, the overall theme would be Evie trying to get more confident with expressing her anxieties and love for her family, with her own self-doubts making her doubt everything at times, which is something that she fights and reassures herself of the knowledge that she is loved and does matter. She takes more responsibility for her well-being and finds everything she holds important improves as a result.
• I wasn't so sure about this plot-point, but I was thinking about putting in the plane crash from 2016. I was hesitant because I didn't want the story to be hijacked by the Morgan storyline, but I also thought it would be a good way to make Evie's anxiety and self-loathing regain control again and she had to fight it back amidst her fear.
• Finally, after some months has passed, and we see Evie making real progress (all of it happening within the story and not off-screen) Josh and Andy get arrested again. Evie would feel conflicted about whether or not she should see Josh again- though she's certain there's no future for them. Nadia would convince her that whether or not she forgives Josh should have nothing to do with the law, justice or what her family or friends would think- no one can chose Josh deserves her forgiveness except for her. Eventually Evie would chose to visit Josh one more time- telling him she knows he wasn't trying to hurt her, and that she was so tired of holding onto all that anger and hate, dividing her from the people she loved, but she can't forget that she did hurt him, and tells Josh he will never see her again. The story would have ended with her going on with her life with her real family. 

So, there you have it. It's a lot easier to plan it all out, a lot more difficult to execute it. However, it is very unlikely that I would have ever written any more chapters with all of this, so I decided to lay it all here and leave it to you guys.

I'm sorry if this is a disappointment for some of you. I wish I could have properly finish this story, I invested a lot into it. But I made the effort and I ended it at a point where things are looking up for Evie, so I can't regret that.

A big thank you to Quiet Achiever and Red Ranger for all of your constant support and encouragement, your feedback meant the world to me. To my readers, I also thank you for giving this story the time of day and I hope you guys once more understand where I was going with this, and well... not enjoy the pain, but enjoy the journey I was trying to create.

Also, most importantly, I hope all of you were safe and well while reading this and that I didn't cause any one of you any pain at all. One of the things that made me most anxious while writing this was making anyone feel bad while writing about a story that includes depression, anxiety, self-harm or suicidal tendencies. All of these are some of the most serious issues in society today, and as someone who has experienced at least one of these issues, I wouldn't wish any of this pain on anyone, especially not you guys. So I hope that all of you are happy and safe, surrounded by your loved ones and friends, and know that all of you do matter, all of you are loved, all of you are important in your own way.  

But that's it for me for now. Who knows, maybe I'll try this story again in the future, or maybe someone else will try it with their interpretation (if so, the very best of luck to them), but for now I'm done. This fanfiction is ended unfinished.

Happy Holidays to you all and remember to stay safe and responsible during these difficult times. 

Thank you again for going on this journey with me,

D.B.

[Red Ranger 1]

Thanks for letting us know, D.B. I fully respect how hard writing this fiction must have been. And I appreciate that you had a clear plan for the story (something that isn't always the case!) and that you shared it with us.