Everybody God Dam Chillax

[pembie]

Thanks for all the comments

Chapter 11

 

Matt sat his face pressed up against the bars of the small metal low hung swinging treetop cage.  Matt’s kangaroo spun around slowly upon a spit that was circling itself over a small campfire. Given the kangaroo’s size the campfire wasn’t really achieving its goal of cooking the kangaroo, instead the fire’s heat had sent the creature into a warm and toasty slumber, Matt could hear its snores as they carried themselves through the light wind.  Phoebe the annoying singing galah monster sat below hopping around on all fours gazing up at Matt with her beady eyes.    

 

“Errrr hello somebody help please hello Evie are you there?” Matt called out Phoebe was about to start her singing again and Matt needed to shield the god dam awful sounding wails from his ears.

 

 

Luc flinched backwards as one furry ape’s hand reached out to grab her. VJ meanwhile watched on shouting the occasional cursed word and with those words came a very threatening shake of the fist at the monkeys on the shore..

 

“I’m not really enjoying myself anymore VJ” Billie suddenly said.

 

“Oh come on Bill its my dream honeymoon we are kind of taking a bath together and…”

 

“Oh yeah we are living the dream up to our heads in mud oh how romantic…”

 

“Romantic really I was thinking more like kinky, hey you monkey nuts you stay away from my daughter”

 

“See that’s the mood killer right there spoils any hints of romance as soon as you start shouting the words monkey nuts” Billie said laughing.

 

The monkey turned and chucked a banana VJ’s way.

 

“Hmm look we even get room service here” VJ said reaching forwards to take the yellowed skinned fruit, and as he happily started to munch down on it with a big grin on his face Billie was pulled upwards, and with a loud popping sound she was freed from the quicksand. The huge ape placed Billie so she sat on top of his head and then lifted VJ and placed him next to his mud covered sexy wife.

 

John was quite taken back to lose his eyebrows as the quick sharp shot of fire from Hunter’s flamethrower scorched them turning them into flaky essences of dust. John raised his axe once more and was just about to bury it inside Hunter’s skull when he was cut short, loud thumbing footsteps moments later made the ground rumble The ape that had saved and placed VJ and Billie on top of his head appeared through the trees.

 

“Hello guys” VJ called. Lena looked up dumbfounded was she experiencing the most drug filled trip yet or what? Billie looked very much looked like some kind of Queen sat up there at the top of the ape’s stunning build and height. VJ was laughing and was bowing down to a very enraged looking Hunter.  

 

Matt screamed as Phoebe started to sing it really was that painful to listen too

 

Hunter let out a loud groan and shouted….

 

OH GOD DAM IT WHAT IS IT NOW IF ITS NOT ONE THING WITH THIS PLACE IT’S THE OTHER I AM SO NOT LOVING IT HERE ANYMORE THIS PLACE SHOULD BURN.”

 

“Now calm down Hunter” Olivia said ever so softly.

 

“Calm down Matt’s out there somewhere screaming like a little girl. VJ and Billie are walking around like they are best friends with King Kong wrecking my attempt of gardening and pretending all this is just so normal”

 

“Hunter it’s a few hanging baskets have you actually seen where we live?” Olivia questioned.

 

“YES I HAVE WE LIVE IN A BLOODY SWAMP BUT DON’T WE JUST LOVE IT? DO YOU LIV DO YOU REALLY LOVE IT UP THERE FEELING HIGH AND MIGHTLY SAT ON YOUR SUPER SIZED BUTTERFLY ARE YOU REALLY LOVING IT?

 

“He is very scary isn’t he Olivia?” Evie said   

 

“YES LET’S GO AND FIND MATT SHALL WE?” HUNTER NEEDS TO CHILAX FOR A WHILE I TTHINK” Olivia yelled back.

 

“I DO I NEED TO CHILAX EVERYBODY GOD DAM NEEDS TO CHILAX” Hunter said and with that Olivia Evie and Lena flew mere yards forwards and unto the petals of a sunflower butterflies it turned out or easily distracted by pretty flowers.

 

 John had grown bored of Hunter while he and Olivia had augured and had moved on to chasing VJ and Billie around. Their giant ape friend had caught hold of John’s weapon and bent the shaped metal moulded axe beyond repair, John gazed at it sadly the axe’s shine had died. The ape grunted and threw the useless axe to the ground. Hunter watched as John and the ape roared at each other in insane anger. Hunter was nearing the point of no return his temper was going to boil over this place was just so loud that he felt like his brain was going to explode.

 

Phoebe’s singing had eased thank goodness and as far as Matt could tell that was down to the tranquilizing dart that was sticking partway out of her back. Phoebe crawled slowly muttering as she went over to some brushes and that fell face first into the greenery and started to snore loudly as sleep washed over her. Matt’s watched as the madness just seemed to continue to present itself to his eyes. A large white net was shot from the trees and landed trapping Phoebe within its hold, A loud winching sound was heard as the net was dragged backwards into the depths of the undergrowth.

 

“Flaming Galah very troublesome creatures right pains in the behind they really flaming are” said a booming loud voice seconds later a old man exited the undergrowth and went to untie Matt’s kangaroo from the campfire spit with a huge jungle knife.

 

“You call that a knife?” Matt called out.

 

The old man who had given VJ and Billie a lift by water raft at the start of all this madness looked up at Matt and said…

 

“Of course I call it a flaming knife it’s hardly a flaming spoon now is it young fella?”

 

“Well No I mean… Have you ever seen crocodile Dundee?” Matt called down.

 

“No never heard of that wombat but I have seen crocodiles also very troublesome creatures” the old man said as he watched the kangaroo hop over to Matt’s cage and give a almighty jump, which caused the cage to fall to the ground. The impact of the landing caused the lock on the cage to shatter. Matt opened the cage’s door and then was picked up and placed back inside the kangaroo’s pouch.

 

“Good job your still alive young Joey Galahs eat kangaroo’s for breakfast”.

 

Matt nodded and was about to open his mouth to say thanks to his very odd rescuer but before he could do so the old man stood before had thrown a big orange rescue jacket around himself grabbed a grappling hook from his belt and had swung away into the trees like a bizarre looking Tarzan.

 

 

Now with Phoebe the Galah being caught John was now back to his sane mind. Phoebe’s singing had been the thing to make him lose his mind, he wondered if that was the same with Hunter as he watched the young man blast the surrounding swamp area with fire

 

“LOOK OLIVA OUR LOVELY DREAM HOME BURNING TO THE GROUND. THE TREES, THE FORSETS THE… EVERYBODY JUST LISTEN TO ME EVERYONE JUST TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO GOD DAM CHILAX  THIS IS A HONEYMOON AFTER ALL ISN’T IT?”       

 

The colour of  bright orange exploded around the swamp as  Hunter and Olivia’s house burned to the ground.

 

“OH AND BEFORE ANYONE ASKS ME NO I DON’T LOVE THIS PLACE THIS PLACE SUCKS” Hunter screamed  

 

Oscar ran into the clearing with the quicksand he didn’t see VJ or Billie anywhere but he spotted a young girl playing with a young boy in the mud.

 

“Hi there you two?” Oscar said.

 

Luc looked up at Oscar.

 

Mummy and Daddy were saved by a huge monkey Luc said giggling and then she went serious and said. oh meet my boyfriend Mr…”

 

“Oscar” Oscar said smiling.

 

“Well meet my new boyfriend then Mr Oscar…he says he lives with the monkeys.. Marty Ash is his big brother his funny.  His name is Luke too like me, I’m Luc buts his  a Luke with a K I is with a c is that because he is a boy and I’m a girl is it Mr Oscar My Mummy’s called Billie that can be a boys name but with a y she says so.”

 

Oscar smiled.

 

The fire’s rage had frighten away all the animals so VJ’s and Billie’s King Kong monkey hero had ran away and now VJ  was trying to see through the clouds of misted smoke. It was a good job that he found Billie drop dead gorgeous because she did seem to keep getting herself into dangerous situations and……

 

“VJ help me I..”

 

VJ’s vision cleared all of a sudden, his lungs held back their need to want to cough from the smoke from the fire and he grabbed Billie like superman himself, and ran holding her towards a haystack where he caught sight of everyone else.

 

“I don’t think….oh yes its caught fire..”

 

Everyone moved on to Rennie the Hag wooden shack. Rennie herself had hobbled away somewhere crackling to herself into the darkness of wood she was a very spooky woman indeed.  

 

Nope don’t go to that shack either its not a good idea…… see on fire again” VJ said.

 

“What about  if we go over here to Oscar’s taco truck?” Matt said hopeful if there was one food to see you through a crisis it was tacos.

 

“How about we go and catch the bus? I’m honeymooned out I think” VJ said.

 

Hunter stepped out of the orangey fickly flames of fire and just laughed wildly like some big bad out of a horror movie come back for one final scare.

 

“EVEYONE JUST GOD DAM CHILAX IT’S FINE ITS ONLY A BIT OF FIRE” Hunter suddenly lurched forwards and smacked his face onto the floor a large red dimple arose at the back of his head.

 

“Wow thanks Luke those conkers of your brothers really are great for slingshots” Oscar said stepping through the flames like he was on a Hollywood movie set.

 

“Hi I’m Luke I’m your daughters boyfriend now we make mud pies together” Luke said stepping forwards.

 

“Can’t you change you name to Patrick or something?” VJ said his mind starting to feel quite fuzzy with all the smoke around him.

 

“Oh yeah like out of SpongeBob” Luc said laughing.

 

Olivia went to grab the unconscious Hunter and dragged him along the road which would lead to the bus stop. He really did need to stop getting so stressed out all the time

 

“VJ you don’t need to carry me now you know?” Billie said.

 

“I don’t I guess ok I will put you down”

 

“Oh no you don’t mister you need to carry me over the threshold it will be romantic.”

 

“What will be romantic carrying her through the door of the bus?” Matt said passing. he stopped how on earth washe going to get his kangaroo on the bus? As it turned out though the bus was a double Decker open topped bus so it was fine just a few freaked out looking passengers at witnessing the sight of the six foot kangaroo.

 

“I love you Billie” VJ said as they all walked away from the fire. Alf the old Galah hunter stood in the background with a huge fire hose and he muttered… “flaming come to my swamp and destroy the place partying these young Galahs these days have no respect”    

 

 

    

 

    

            

 

 

  

 

    

[pembie]

Chapter 12

 

6 months later

 

The sight of the giant and gruesome clown head with its automatic machinery controlled grinning mouth, with its massive scary blood rosy lips made Evie feel quite uneasy as it opened and closed. Matt on the other looked very excited as did his kangaroo. The animal gazed up at the clown’s head with awe, this was the entrance to The Osborne circus of wonderment, and according to Maddy herself the circus came with hidden surprises of all different sorts of horrors with the added on bonus of the cirrus having its very own theme park element thrown into the bargain.

 

One would think that having a honeymoon with the beautiful surroundings of a swamp was enough to convince anybody of maybe having a wedding while abroad a ghost train was indeed not the smartest of ideas. But Evie had come to realise that if she wanted to marry someone like Matt Page, that she must be willing to throw caution to the wind and accept that it wasn’t just going to be a boring beach wedding with people singing while people played harps, while her and Matt danced the night away listening to lovey dovey music about endless love.

 

So here they were standing outside and smiling at Maddy while she stood at the entrance  ready to welcome the loved up very brave couple inside. VJ ran outside scared for a moment that his t shirt would become caught in between the massive clown heads jaws as they snapped closed as he made it outside to greet Matt and Evie.

 

“Hey guys Matt don’t worry dude I still have the ring” VJ said grinning.

 

“That’s cool wow this place is cool, hey we are just waiting for Roo Matt said.

VJ looked confused.

“No dude Roo as in pretty older woman my second choice of wifey my back up plan you could say if Evie had said no to my proposal.”

 

Evie laughed as she thought back to that very bizarre experience

 

 

 

The sun shone bright casting a golden shine across the sand, the water was lapping washing up against their feet well Evie’s feet and that of kangaroo pawed feet. Evie  stood there not sure where to look as Matt had held her hands from the comforts of the kangaroo’s pouch and Evie heard the words…

 

“Evie will you please marry me?”

 

Evie had tried to take it serious but hearing those words as you stare into the face of a happy looking kangaroo, is most amusing. So there’s a tip if ever you want to do well with a girl and impress her make sure you have a kangaroo licking her face right there with you. It had worked for Matt Evie had said yes right there Matt would have jumped for joy himself if he could have but now come to think of it he could have never reached the great heights that his kangaroo had managed that day.

 

VJ showed Matt and Evie inside the circuses big top Billie sat at a long table with Luc and Luke both children were eating bowls of ice cream and jelly.

 

Oscar came forwards.

 

“Would you guys like a bowl of jelly?”

 

Matt gazed over the edge of his pouch; the jelly was strawberry to stay with the theme of redness and blood of the horror themed circus.

 

“I don’t know will I guys?” Matt asked Luc and Luke as the two of them sat gobbling down their bowlfuls.

 

“Oh yes you will like it its smooooooth jelly Matt” Luc said nodding her head her blonde pigtails bobbing up and down as she did so.

 

“Its smoooooooth jelly what….. you mean instead of the rough kind of jelly?” Matt asked smirking.   

 

“Eh” Luc looked back at him.

 

“Yous silly” she said.

 

“Yes I tell him that all the time” Evie said smiling.

 

“Knock, knock so who’s ready to get themselves married?” Roo asked as she walked inside waving a sheet of paper.

 

“I have the licensed document papers printed them off the internet so I can now get you two hitched”

 

“Cool lets do this thing” VJ said as he and Billie and the children followed Matt and Evie outside, from there Maddy led them down a dark long tunnel where at the end was a long line of bright green loch ness monster styled carriages..

 

Olivia was there already, Hunter stood at the side of her with a grim looking expression.

 

“Hey so you two now? Lets hope that you choose a better place to honeymoon than VJ and Billie did eh? he said.

 

“We have to survive getting married on a ghost train first Hunter” Evie said smiling.

 

“Cool can I come I…..”

 

“Oh no I don’t want you getting stressed and trying to kill us all in the dark baby You stay here and chilax watch our bags.” Olivia said handing Hunter her bright pink handbag.

 

“Cool dude thanks” VJ said throwing Hunter Luc’s Mickey Mouse backpack and Luke’s Spiderman bag.

 

Billie handed him her golden bracelets, Hunter just smiled at them dam him and his insane stress levels.

 

“I’m sorry Matt no Kangaroo’s allowed on the ride height restrictions and all that” Maddy said as she set the interlock bars down when everyone were seated inside their carriages

 

“Oh don’t worry Roo will be staying here” Matt said.

 

“Oh I don’t think so I’m the one getting you married…… Oh I see you mean Kanga”

 

Matt laughed his kangaroo picked him up and lowed him inside the carriage next to Evie. Behind them came the sounds of weeping Oscar couldn’t quite believe his twin’s beauty, His sister wore a long white wedding dress and Matt too had made a effort of sorts, sat in a skull t shirt with a dicky bow around his neck they both looked quite the cute couple.

 

“Are you scared of anything Matt?, as I remember you used to be scared of clowns” Maddy said.

 

“Are you serious naaa clowns their just stupid I aint scared of nothing” Matt said brushing it off, he choose not to add that behind that smile he had had plastered across his face on the way inside the clown’s head’s big top earlier had just been a front. At the very core of the pit of his stomach  he had been wetting himself with fear at the sight of it.

 

“I must warn you all that the ghosts and monsters that are inside this ghost train are rumoured to be real and it is said that the train travels to different dimensions of time and space”

 

“Yeah right that’s a very cool sales pitch Maddy” Matt scoffed he laughed over at Evie as the train started to move.

 

Olivia blew a kiss at Hunter as he stood on the train’s platform with all the bags and the six foot kangaroo Hunter looked a tad fed up.

 

Matt jumped slightly as VJ patted his back from behind.

 

“Chilax Matt its just me” he said laughing. 

 

“I know man I’m just playing along” Matt turned quickly to Evie and said…

 

“If things get freaky and intense will you hold my hand?”

 

Evie looked into Matt’s wide looking frightened eyes took his hand and held it tight.

Matt sighed with relief.

 

Roo started the wedding as soon as the train entered the first dark tunnel.

 

“We are gathered here today to…” there was a bang and shriek and something shook the train, everyone laughed while Matt for the first time in ages felt his legs tense up and he started to sweat.

 

“BOOO”

 

Matt jumped again there now was some sort of frightening looking skeleton dancing in front of him. He heard Roo  in the background somewhere going through his vows he spoke at a rapid speed his voice sounding rather girly with fright.

 

The train turned sharply, and then everyone was covered with fake spiders and shot at with water pistols and then something jumped onto the train. Matt felt Evie’s grip around his hand he was safe there was nothing to…….Heavy breathing in his ear it was hot and smelt stale and….”YOUR MINE”  then high pitched laughter and then silence dead silence Evie’s grip had gone from around his hand the laughter of everyone else was gone aswell. Matt was alone in the dark but at the same time he wasn’t then he heard Roo say….

 

“Now you may kiss the bride” and Matt felt something far to large to be Evie lean forwards, and from the light from some overhanging lanterns Matt saw the grinning face  and Matt screamed at the most terrifying clown he had ever seen in his life and then in a deep voice the clown boomed

 

“JUST GOD DAM CHILAX IT IS YOUR WEDDING DAY AFTER ALL YOU STILL HAVE THE HONEYMOON TO ENJOY AFTERWARDS WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO?”

The End.

Thank you Red Ludub,JT,Sarah and Kristen its been very good fun to write this story for you glad you all liked it and hope you liked this final chapter I thought it would be fitting and very silly if after VJ and Billie's honeymoon from hell I would give Matt and Evie the wedding frrom hell 

 

 

 

 

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