Confusion

[Zetti]

So this is my final chapter for this fic, been a long ride, I want to say a massive thank you to all who read/comment, it means a lot that you all enjoy the story and that I actually manage legibly! Enjoy the last chapter and I hope you all read my future stories

Chapter Forty-One

Bianca looked out over the sea, the bump having disappeared, yet it made no difference to her, she could not feel. Her body was numb all the time.

Crying came naturally but it did not relieve any of the pain, it just exacerbated it. Feeling nothing can be worse than feeling something, anything.

The loss, the sorrow, the pain and the guilt just eats away at you. Bianca knew Heath was trying to help but the new house felt too big.

So much was new and different, and she really wanted her old house back.

The same feeling, like an old jumper that brings you comfort and warmth despite what is going on, he wanted to help but she didn’t know what to say to him, what could she say?

It was not that simple, not anymore.

Why can’t life just be simple?

‘Bianca?’

‘Sorry who are you?’ she asked as a blonde woman approached her.

‘I’m Lucy, Ruby’s sister in law’ she added by way of explanation.

‘Oh right sorry, I didn’t recognise you’

‘How you going?’ she asked as she sat down next to her

‘I don’t even know, it’s hard to put into words’

‘No one gets what you are going through, the pain makes you feel completely empty and sometimes you can’t even tell if you’re feeling anything or not.

‘Yes, and I know I have two beautiful children but I can’t rid myself of the empty feeling’

‘You can’t, not yet, you are still coming to terms with the fact that you are no longer pregnant, your hormones are all over the place’

‘Sorry can I ask how do you know this?’

‘I was pregnant at a young age, but I wanted the baby after a while of hating the fact that I was pregnant, I realised I wanted the baby, but it was too late’

Bianca felt a deep sense of sorrow for her, it cut to the core of her heart. She knew she couldn’t change the facts but it didn’t stop her heart breaking every time she saw a baby or heard a piercing cry in the middle of the night; being unable to tell if it was real or just her imagination playing tricks on her.

‘Then when I lost her, I felt this overwhelming guilt that to be honest has never gone away until Esme came into my life, despite the fact I was not here for a long time. I knew that she was going to be okay, she had her dad’

‘I just wish I had met her, my baby’

‘Did you know it was a girl?’

She nodded ‘Yes, I was going to call her Maisie’

‘She would have been a cute baby, has to be with your man’s genes’ she raised her eyebrows at Bianca who giggled

‘Hey! That’s my fiancé you’re talking about’

‘You love him right?’

‘With all my heart’

‘Then what is stopping you from having more kids?’

‘Nothing but right now I can’t think straight’

Lucy clasped Bianca’s hand in her own. ‘Don’t assume you have to act in a certain way, everyone grieves differently,’ She smiled and carried on ‘Heath is grieving as well, maybe you should talk to him, he might not grasp your feelings cos let’s face it, he’s a man and they don’t do feelings that well’

‘If at all’ she chuckled feeling slightly better ‘Thank you’

‘For what?’

‘Just for talking, its been a while since anyone did that for me’

‘No worries, I am in the bay for good now, we can be friends, in fact I would like it, apart from Ruby and Charlie. I don’t really know anyone in the bay’

‘Well then you have another friend in me’

Lucy stood up and dusted the sand off her skirt. Bianca smiled and stood up ‘I better get back home’

‘Alright, just if you need anything, always here’

‘Same goes for you’

**

‘Heath, we need to talk’ she said when she had finished putting the children to sleep, he was lying on the bed with his phone, he put it to one side and patted the bed. Bianca joined him and sat cross-legged facing him.

‘I know I have been really distant over the past few weeks but I just didn’t know what to say or do, if I am honest with you, its daunting and hard for me’

‘I know, but it’s not easy for me either.’

‘I know. I just wanted to ask, how would you feel about trying again?’

Heath pulled her into his lap and looked straight into her eyes ‘I do want that but at the same time, you’re not ready’

‘I am saying we are ready, I know for a fact that we aren’t, but it is on the agenda right? I mean we have four spare bedrooms’

Heath raised his eyebrows. ‘I know, 5 if we don’t let the kids have their own rooms’

‘Let them have their own rooms, otherwise Lola will end up clubbing Max around the head with the baseball bat’

Bianca giggled at Heath’s mock horror expression and kissed him on the cheeks. ‘It’s a fresh start, I can’t promise I will be okay straightaway but I know I have you’

‘Always’ he smiles evilly as he started to unbutton her blouse.

‘Heath…’

‘Hmm?’ he asked pulling her blouse off causing the buttons to fly off and kissed her nose.

‘Hey! That was my favourite..’

‘I will buy you another one.. stop talking!’

He silenced her by flipping her over as his hands began to wander…

**

Ruby watched as Elsie and John rollicked in the garden whilst rubbing her bump every time the baby kicked.

‘Still kicking?’ Ryan asked as he sat down next to her

‘Its constant, takes after you, he’s too active’

‘Oh so you think it’s a boy?’ he asked rubbing the bump as the baby kicked, smiling.

‘With the amount of times its kicked in the past hour? Definitely’ she teased him making him scowl playfully at her.

‘Ow’ she winced

‘What?’ he sat up straighter but Ruby giggled at him. He was too protective but she loved that about him.

‘Just that was one hell of a kick, he’s definitely active’

Ryan smiled and spoke to the bump ‘Oi, little one, stop kicking your mum!’

‘Ryan!’ she scolded but smiled at him

‘What?!?’

She shook her head and muttered something under her breath. The past few weeks had been a nightmare for her. She had carried on. She had to; her baby relied on her to be healthy.

‘You know I love you and the kids right?’

Ruby looked up at him and snuggled into his chest as his arms wrapped itself around hers. She smiled indulgently at him and nodded.

‘I have an idea’

‘Idea?’

‘This place really isn’t big enough for us, is it?’

‘No, but you don’t want to be too far away from John or Lucy, and neither do I, They’re family and Esme and Elsie are closer than ever’

‘I know but there is a house about 15 minutes away that we can get’ he said hopeful. As much as he loved his brother, sister in law and niece, he wanted his own space with ruby and the kids.

‘Can we afford it?’

Ryan gave her that look and she sighed ‘No!’

‘Look I get your reasons for saying no but its there, no one else is going to use it, why not use it for good’

‘Its tainted money’

‘I get that, you always wanted to teach right?’

‘Yeah, why?’

‘Didn’t there used to be a drop in centre around here?’

‘I think so, Alf would be the person to ask, he has been here for a very long time’

‘Right well, lets use the money for our place, save some and use the rest for the drop in centre. The money will just sit there otherwise’

‘You really want to do this?’

‘Yes, so?’

‘Lets consider it, its not a given, not yet, I need to work it out first and see if I can live with it’

‘We can do this, I know we can’

‘Okay, can we just wait a while. Let this little one come first’

Ryan nodded as she snuggled back into his chest and kissed her hair, they both watched the kids and John play. Whilst everything had changed over the past few months, one thing was the same, the love they shared with each other.

**

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