Lost Your Mind Trying To Get It Back

[Jen]

Part Eleven

Dex is not moping.

He’s just sitting on the couch, with the tv off, staring at the blank screen. He’s thinking about April and her uncomplicated relationship with Xavier, and the fact that no one has tried to kill her because of it. And then he thinks of Casey and the fact that there must have been something between them, and Dex foolishly believed in it enough to risk his life for it.

Maybe it was because Dex had never had many friends. He’d never been the ‘popular’ one. Dex was odd and quirky and other kids his age always thought he was just plain weird, but inadvertently Casey had started talking to him. And it was like a switch had been flicked on inside Dex’s head, and he finally realised that he didn’t have to scream to get noticed, or play the oddball card to get any scraps of attention. Casey sought him out, and didn’t roll his eyes or poke fun when Dex made obscure pop culture references. And then -- well, the rest is history.

Indi sails into the room, hair curled and heels on, ready to go out. She notices Dex. “Oh.”

“It’s nice to see you too,” Dex deadpans in reply.

“No, it’s not that. I just -- I just assumed that you’d be hanging out with April tonight, so I made plans with Romeo,” Indi explains.

“And my being here affects that how?” Dex asks.

“Well, uh.” Indi looks uncomfortable, shooting glances at the front door. “We’re going out, so I can’t look out for you. You know, dad still likes someone keeping an eye out.”

“Indi, I’m not an invalid.”

“No, no, I know. I just -- I’d feel better about it if I knew you weren’t sitting here all alone.”

“So, what do you want me to do?” Dex asks.

Indi sits down next to him on the lounge. “Look, I know things have been weird.” Dex huffs, because well, that’s pretty much the biggest understatement he’s ever heard. “But, you can’t just keep yourself locked insider forever. You need to go out, get back on the horse. Isn’t that what they say?”

“Says the person who’s never fallen off a horse,” Dex replies. “It’s hurts, Indi. You can’t just put a band-aid over it and kiss it better. It’s not that simple.”

“I know,” Indi replies, and she’s gone quiet. Timid, sort of, with a hint of understanding that Dex isn’t used to seeing from her. “Just, think about it,” she urges as she stands up and heads for the door.

So that is how Dex ends up at Ruby’s aforementioned party. Once Dex decided that it was a waste of time to spend the entire night flicking through tv channels aimlessly it wasn’t that difficult to convince himself that there would be tons of people at the party, and as such the likelihood of Dex getting into any sort of real trouble would be miniscule.

A quick trip to Facebook told Dex exactly where the party was being held, not to mention the fact that he could hear the blaring music from the end of the street. Cars were parked haphazardly on verges and there was the distinct sound of intoxicated shouting coming from the back of an abandoned house. It was dilapidated, with the front door openly swinging on its hinges, while the patio was completely lopsided.

A guy and girl jog past Dex as he ventures up the gravel driveway. They’re laughing and holding hands and Dex watches as the guy drags the girl towards his car. As soon as Dex realises they are heading for the backseat he averts his eyes and continues to the back of the property.

When Dex rounds the house he sees the party is in full swing. Kegs of beer have been tapped, coloured lights strung from branches of trees and giant speakers heaved into the middle of the dying lawn. There’s an old tin shed standing in the corner and Dex sees a stream of people wandering in and out, a distinct waft of smoke rising up every time the door is opened.

Glancing around Dex doesn’t immediately recognise anyone. He’s thinking about just turning and leaving, his head already starting to pound from the too loud music and too crowded area. But then Dex spots Xavier and he’s got his arm draped around April’s shoulders while she nods politely at Ruby, who is talking to them very animatedly. She’s sort of swaying, Dex realises, so she’s obviously been here for a while.

It’s Ruby who sees him first and in her drunken state she yells his name and waves him over. Dex can’t really ignore her, so he’s forced to just shove his hands into the pockets of his jeans and wander towards them. He’s deliberately avoiding having to look at April, who ducks her head as Dex walks over. He notices the way she steps out of Xavier’s embrace but Xavier however, seems unfazed.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” Xavier says, slapping Dex lightly on the shoulder.

“Yeah, uh. Indi was going out, so I figured there was no point being home all by myself,” Dex replies, trying to keep his tone as conversational as possible.

“You missed half the fun!” Ruby says very loudly, directly into Dex’s ear. “There was a funnel, Dex! You don’t understand. A funnel!” Dex nods and Ruby leans into his body, two hands flung around his neck in a sort of sideways hug. She giggles into his chest.

“Okay, Rubes. I think you’ve had enough for one night,” Xavier says with a bit of a laugh. He steps forward and untangles Ruby’s hands from around Dex, who’s trying to stand perfectly still. He catches April’s eye and her expression is unreadable. She’s almost glaring at Ruby, watching intently as Xavier tries to usher her away. “We’re going to get some water, okay?”

Dex lets out a breath as Xavier leads Ruby away, one hand placed firmly around her waist to keep her standing upright. Dex thinks he’s free and opens his mouth to just swallow his own pride and talk to April when he hears Ruby’s protest.

“No, Xav! No, we can’t. You know Casey Braxton, right? Do you, Xav? Because Casey said he was going to get me a drink and then he never came back --”

At the mention of Casey’s name Dex feels his breath hitch, even though he knows he’s being completely ridiculous. But he can’t help it. His heart seems to leap into his throat and Dex can’t really form words, even when April is looking at him with an expression of concern.

“Are you okay?” she asks, taking a step forward so she can be heard over all the noise. She places a hand on Dex’s shoulder and Dex feels himself blush.

Dex just nods dumbly. He forces himself to take a deep breath which is a mistake because April is now standing so close to him that he can pretty much smell her perfume. And God, Dex’s brain is almost going to short circuit because he just has no idea what he’s feeling anymore. It’s like he’s in the middle of a raging river and on one river bank there is Casey and on the other is April, and they’re both holding out their hands and Dex just has to grab on to one before he gets swept away.

“Look, I’m sorry about what happened at the Diner,” April finally says. “Everything has just been so --” She searches for the right word. “Intense,” she settles for. “I think we need some time, just to sort out what’s happening.”

And Dex gets the impression that she’s sort of breaking up with him, which is so bizarre because last time Dex checked they weren’t actually dating. And what is even stranger, is that it actually hurts.

Before Dex can really answer, April is turning and walking away and into the throngs of people, no doubt looking for Xavier.

Dex sighs, kneading his fist into his forehead. The pounding has intensified to a stabbing sensation, and Dex is ready to just go home, realising that this whole expedition was a giant waste of time.

No sooner as Dex decides to turn and leave his body comes to a crashing halt. He loses balances as he collides with the other person. As if on reflex, they reach out holding Dex upright as he regains his footing.

Dex is ready to mumble his thanks and just side-step them so he can just get home, but he looks up and catches the familiar blue of his eyes, and Casey is staring down at him.

--

[Jen]

Part Twelve

Casey still has his hands on him. Fingers griping so tightly to Dex’s arm that Dex is sure they will leave a mark.

“I’m leaving,” Dex says immediately, trying to wriggle out of Casey’s grasp.

“Please, Dex,” Casey says quickly, his breath hot and dangerously close to Dex’s ear. “I really need to talk to you.”

“Forget it,” Dex snaps, pulling away and stalking off in the opposite direction.

“Dex, wait!” he hears Casey call but Dex ignores him. Whatever Casey Braxton has to say, Dex does not want to hear it.

Dex is walking, fast-paced down the driveway. He passes a group of drunken guys, passed out on the front lawn, empty bottles surrounding them like some sort of shrine. He can still hear Casey calling after him, his tone desperate, and loud, and almost begging. But he doesn’t catch up, so whatever he has to say can’t be that important.

Dex’s mind is racing. He has periodic flashes of April’s smile and Casey’s eyes, and then he’s sure he can smell April’s perfume and feel Casey’s hands on his arm, and he can feel his chest heaving as he sucks in some deep breaths as he attempts to calm himself down.

He’s caught up in his own head and just trying to figure something out, dammit that he doesn’t hear the car rumbling up beside him. The first thing Dex registers is when the door slams loudly and a voice calls out to him, “Hey, Queerdo!”

Dex stops walking, finally looking up. He can’t hear the party anymore, the street absent of any sign of life. The sky is inky black while the street lights cast a warm, orange glow onto the pavement. Slightly ahead, Dex thinks he can see the outline of a car parked on the opposite side of the street, a series of people getting out. Some are hanging back, leaning against the metal body of the car, others strolling casually towards him, not bothering to look both ways before they cross the street. But there’s one, in front of the group, that is making a beeline straight for Dex.

“Oi, Princess! I was talkin’ to you!” the leader demands.

Dex chances a glance behind him and tries to do a quick calculation about whether it would be possible for him to just turn and run. But his head is pounding, the pain taking over and blurring his vision, and God, all he wants to do is crawl into a hole and die.

“Seems to me like we didn’t do a good enough job the first time,” the voice tells Dex, and that’s when Dex recognises who it is. Heath. He’s approaching Dex at a steady pace, with every second closing the gap between them.

It’s a strange sense of déjà vu. Dex having been in this same position before, except this time he’s not nearly as frightened, because he knows how it all pans out. And maybe this time the River Boys will get their way.

“Don’t have anything to say for yourself?” Heath questions, and now he’s standing under the street lamp, casting a long shadow that reaches Dex’s feet. Dex is silent. “You finally realise that you don’t deserve to be here.”

He steps forward and shoves Dex, causing him to topple to the ground.

Heath huffs. “Not going to fight back?” Dex can practically hear the leer in his voice. There are more of them now, two River Boys approaching Dex as he curls his legs under his body, not bothering to attempt to get back up. He’s going to make this as easy for them as possible.

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves a sitting duck,” Heath pronounces.

“Locked and loaded,” the one to Heath’s right echoes.

Dex squeezes his eyes together and there’s this ironic sense of peace. His head seems to clear, and he’s holding his breath waiting for the first punch.

It never comes, because there is a rumbling of footsteps and Dex opens his eyes slowly and sees Casey’s back standing defiantly in front of him.

“Casey?” Heath almost seems taken aback. He holds out a hand to his cronies who stop approaching. Then Heath’s face breaks out into a grin. “Since you’re here, little bro, you can do the honours.”

“I’ve told you before; I’m not doing anything for you.” Casey is still panting slightly, breathing heavily from his rapid sprint away from the party, but that doesn’t take away from the resoluteness in his tone.

Heath raises an eyebrow. “You may have Brax on your side, but right now the numbers aren’t exactly stacked in your favour.” Dex watches as Casey surveys the boys surrounding him.

“Get up,” Casey says, and it takes Dex a moment to realise that the command is directed at him. On shaky legs, Dex heaves himself to his feet. Dex obediently does what he’s told, so he’s now standing beside Casey. Casey doesn’t even look at him, his eyes are still darting from River Boy to River Boy.

“What are you doing?” Dex all but whispers.

“What I should have done the first time around,” Casey replies, and this time he meets Dex’s eye, and he sees it. Dex sees what he saw in Casey the first time -- the strength, the unwavering courage that Dex never could find, the absolute belief that you are important and actually worth something.

“Isn’t this touching,” one of the River Boys laughs.

“Casey,” Heath says, “This is your last chance. Step aside and you can walk away and this whole situation magically disappears.”

“Forget it,” Casey bites out, and Dex notices that he’s already got his hands clenched into fists.

“Fine then,” Heath replies, nodding and instantly the River Boys descend on them. “You and your boyfriend asked for this.”

Within an instant Dex is knocked to the floor by a fist or an elbow, Dex can’t tell. His vision is blurry and he scrambles out of the way of the feet that attempt to trample him. But through his fingers Dex sees that Casey is still standing.

He’s taking on Heath by himself, which is either very heroic or incredibly stupid. Heath is swinging his fists and while he is arguably stronger than Casey, Casey is more agile. He’s able to dodge and weave and get a couple of hits to Heath’s chest. That is, until one of Heath’s accomplices sees his leader in trouble and decides to go in himself. Casey doesn’t see it coming.

Even with the blood pounding in Dex’s ears he hears the crack and Casey collapses onto the concrete, his body motionless.

It’s like everything has been timed perfectly. The fight dissipates, the two River Boys losing interest as another car rolls up. Dex doesn’t hear what they call out, but the River Boys retreat, even Heath, who doesn’t even look back at his brother.

Dex doesn’t realise he’s shivering until he tries to move. He can see Casey lying in the ring of yellow light on the street, but God, this is so much worse that what Dex could have ever imagined.

He crawls on his hands and knees, because that’s all he can manage, towards Casey’s motionless body.

The first thing Dex notices is the blood, pooling out from somewhere on Casey’s head. The next is the paleness of Casey’s face, the absence of colour and the thinness of his lips. Dex has this strange sensation that he’s been here before, except now the roles are reversed. Dex wonders if this is how he looked when Casey found him at the bottom of the stairs.

And that’s when the panic sets in because, God dammit, Dex is not going through this a second time. He knows how it feels -- the anger and frustration of not knowing, feeling robbed and cheated, but not being able to do a damn thing about it. He’s not being on the other side of a shell of a person who doesn’t remember who he is. It is not going to happen. Dex is not going to let it happen.

“Casey,” Dex says urgently, shaking at the boys’ shoulders. “Casey, wake up!”

Slowly, Casey’s eyelids flutter open. His eyes are distant, out of focus and Dex doesn’t realise he’s holding his breath, because what if he doesn’t know who he is?

--

[Jen]

Part Thirteen

Casey’s mouth opens and closes like he’s trying to form the words he wants to say.

“Casey,” Dex urges.

Casey whispers, “Dex,” and that is the greatest single syllable Dex has ever heard in the entire world. Relief sweeps over him, and he grabs on tightly to Casey’s hand, and refuses to let go. Even when Xavier and April appear and April is calling for an ambulance and Xavier is demanding to know what the hell happened?

Dex is sitting on the side of the hospital bed while April stands silently in the corner. But Dex doesn’t care -- he’s been given the all clear by the doctors but been instructed to notify someone if he feels dizzy or nauseous -- Dex just wants to know one thing.

“How’s Casey?” Dex asks.

April flicks her eyes towards the door, as if she’s checking to make sure no one is going to come in.

“It was only a scalp wound,” she replies finally. “It bled disproportionately to the seriousness of the injury. They say he’ll be fine.”

They fall into silence as Dex considers this. How lucky Casey is right now, how scared he must be; because memory or not, Dex knows what it’s like to be completely unsure of your next move. Like you’re teetering on the edge of a cliff, and one false move will push you over.

“I broke up with Xavier,” April says suddenly, and Dex has to take a moment to make sure he heard correctly.

What does she expect him to say? ‘I’m sorry’ seems like he didn’t want this to happen, which would be a lie. ‘Congratulations’ makes it seem like he doesn’t care, which again, wouldn’t be true.

“Oh,” Dex finally settles for.

“I know the timing is horrible,” April adds quickly. “But I just -- thought you should know.” She trails off quietly at the end, and then looks at Dex anxiously.

“I need to see Casey,” is what finally comes out of Dex’s mouth, and April’s expression is unreadable.

As Dex approaches Casey’s hospital door he hears the voice of Brax, furious, saying, “-- I swear to God, when I see Heath I’m gonna --”

“Just leave it, Brax,” Casey replies, his voice sounding faint, far away.

“Leave it?” Brax is practically irate. “He beat you up and left you to die on the side of the road, all because, what? He couldn’t accept that you wanted something more than what the River Boys could offer?”

There’s a beat before Casey says, “I think it was something more --” but he doesn’t get a chance to explain because Dex finds himself knocking on the door and both the Braxton’s look over at him.

“Uh, hi,” Dex says awkwardly. “I just -- I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m going to sort this out,” Brax says before he leaves the room.

Dex cautiously enters the room, standing against the far wall, almost too afraid of getting too close. He doesn’t want to look at Casey at first, either, but eventually he does. He sees his black eye, his split lip, the thick bandage that encircles his head.

“And now we match,” Casey says with a huff and a smile, but Dex can tell he’s putting it on for his sake.

“What did Brax mean? Before, when he said that Heath --” beat the living crap out of you Dex doesn’t say, instead, “-- did what he did because you didn’t want to be a River Boy anymore.”

Casey huffs. “Oh,” he says. “That’s what Brax knows. Which is not exactly a lie, but --”

“You’re not going to tell him the truth?” Dex questions.

“Heath won’t tell. Probably won’t get the chance once Brax get’s hold of him.” Casey sighs. “It’s easier this way. Heath only found out by accident, and didn’t tell Brax because he thought he could straighten me out himself.” His tone is bitter, his lips twisted into some sort of forced smile.

“Why’d you do it?” Dex hears himself ask, the question out before he can stop it.

Casey swallows and flicks his eyes away from Dex’s face. He plays with an invisible thread on his blanket. “You know why. I meant what I said. It’s what I should have done the first time.”

Dex considers this carefully. The fact that Casey was willing to risk his own life just to save Dex, knowing what would happen. To him, Dex must have been of some value.

And Dex figures that if there was ever going to be a blinding moment of clarity then this would be it. Dex is face to face with the guy who practically saved his life (twice) and Dex is left wondering if it was all just some crazy dream. His heart beat is steady, breathing calm and controlled and he looks up and meets Casey’s eye.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Dex finally says.

-

The thing with the break up between April and Xavier, is how little is made of it.

But Dex supposes that shouldn’t be too surprising given that rumour mill is fuelled firmly by the story of Heath Braxton being arrested for assault against his own brother.

Dex sits across from April in the Diner and no one looks at them twice. She smiles at him, and Dex feels his heart flutter, just a bit. He holds her hand as they walk along the beach, and Dex revels in the fact that it’s such a simple gesture, and he doesn’t have to think twice about doing it.

He kisses her in the doorway and doesn’t have to look over his shoulder to make sure no one has seen. It’s nothing like kissing Casey, but soft and sweet and somehow familiar, that makes Dex smile.

Dex still sees Casey, but he keeps his distance. He’s living with Brax now, and appears to be spending more of his time at school than at the beach. Dex watches as Mr Copeland slaps him jovially on the back as he hands back their trial exams, congratulating Casey on his result.

April kisses him on the cheek when she sees Dex at his locker and asks him whether he wants to join her for lunch. As they leave, Casey catches Dex’s eye and gives him a nod. It’s nothing major, just an acknowledgement, but it’s enough.

THE END.

---

*BONUS* Companion piece: Lost Your Balance On A Tightrope

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