Gone But Never Forgotten

[Zetti]

Story Title: Gone But Never Forgotten

Type of story: One Shot

Main Characters: Leah/Miles

BTTB rating: Teen 16+

Genre: Angst

Does story include spoilers: No

Any warnings: Reference to miscarriages (please do not read if you will be affected)

Summary: Leah reflects on her miscarriage but letting go isn’t easy in her diary…

Warning: Reference to miscarriages (please do not read if you will be affected)

Leah POV:

Diary Entry

I hear the world pass me by, I carry on as normal; I let the world pass me by. Instead of facing up to the loss, I brush it aside, I think back to the day VJ was born. How happy and contented I felt.

Now? I just feel pain, a hole where my angel once lay, snug and warm.

VJ is and always will be my little miracle. I wouldn’t change that for anything but I cant ignore this gaping hole I have.

At first it was easy to hide. I threw myself into my work; the diner and VJ became my first priorities.

I used it as a façade. It slipped.

Miles can clearly see I am not coping but he wont push me because he knows if I do, then I will shut down.

Shutting down cant be healthy but for me it’s the way I cope, how can I stop feeling so empty? Nothing makes sense. I look at VJ’s baby pictures and at times without realising put my hand on my stomach where you once lay. Where you once filled me, I lost you and I have no way to reach you.

Logically I wont forget you, how can I? You might have only existed for a few weeks but you will always be in my heart.

WE HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU

GO ON WITH EVERY DAY

AND KEEP YOUR MEMORY ALIVE WITH US

I can never hold you, never see your smile, never be able to smile at you, protect you, hug you, simply I will never be a mother to you and that hurts more than the loss.

It is not even painful.

The pain evaporates, the physical side of it.

Emotionally? That is a completely different thing.

Life was simple before I got pregnant, I never thought I would get pregnant, so I didn’t think, I didn’t want to think about pregnancy mainly because I didn’t know that I could get pregnant.

You were my miracle angel and you are gone.

Emptiness, that is what I feel, not pain.

Just emptiness.

I ask myself all the time, why? Why do I feel emptiness?

Did I deserve to have my baby taken from me?

No, actually not taken, stolen.

That is what it feels like.

Motherhood was stolen from me.

STOLEN.

Don’t get me wrong, I love VJ & I always will do but at times I do want my angel in my arms, to share my happiness with the world, to bask in happiness. I don’t want to want to feel empty

SO PAINFUL IN EVERY WAY

IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE

I DONT WANT TO EVEN TRY

God everything hurts right now. I cry inside all the time. I hate myself for the pain and the frustrations I feel constantly. I can't seem to be able to make sense of my own life.

Everything hurts. I hurt constantly. I need to heal and yet I can't.

Why?

Why does it hurt so much?

There's no hope or freedom from how I feel. Life is cruel and I really want to move on but I have no idea how to. I know one thing though, there is no way I can carry on like this.

I need to pull myself together and move on, life is hard, loss is harder but there has to be light at the end of the tunnel. Hasn’t there?

I can cry for hours but it doesn't remove the pain. If anything it just makes the whole situation worse because I'm falling and falling and I can't stop it! I can't let the pain get to me but it does.

I'M JEALOUS OF ALL THE ANGELS

CAUSE YOU'RE SITTING BY THEIR SIDE

WE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN IN HEAVEN

IT WON'T SEEM SOON ENOUGH

OH BABY, WHY'D YOU LEAVE US

It always gets to me.

I'm pretty close to giving up.

There's nothing more I can do. I

feel alone and no one else gets me, Miles claims he does but how can he? He didn’t carry my angel; he didn’t have so much going on in his head.

I can’t fathom why I lost my baby, why heaven gained an angel and all I am left with is emptiness. I will never hear my baby cry, never be able to stay awake and watch them sleep, to feel their fingers wrapped around mine.

The world is cruel and tough but so is life, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I cant talk to Miles because he wouldn’t understand how I feel.

Who can I tell?

How do I talk about something when I don’t understand it myself?

I guess I feel as if I have to muddle through this on my own, and deal with it alone.

I cant expect others to burden themselves for me…can I? That is not fair on them, it never has been and it never will be fair on them either.

LIFE WITHOUT YOU IS JUST TOO TOUGH

WE'LL NEVER HEAR YOUR VOICE

OR GET TO SAY GOODBYE

How can I say goodbye? I didn’t even get the chance to know you. It was so so so so sudden and I don’t even know where to begin.

I love my angel and yet I cant love them because I lost it. Me. No one else but me.

IT'S SO HARD JUST TO BEGIN

TO UNDERSTAND

WHY WE LOST OUR LITTLE ANGEL

I know one thing, I cant carry on hating myself for it, I cant spend each night wishing you were here, you wouldn’t want that, I have to move on. How I move on? Well that is another story. I have no idea how I will but I know I have to.

RIP MY LITTLE ANGEL

GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN

**

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