Zetti Posted May 18, 2010 Report Posted May 18, 2010 Its a very promising start, your style of writing is developing and there are a few things you can do. 1. Space out the conversation between characters so we understand the feelings behind what they are saying. 2. Describe everything specifically I like the idea so far and I love how you have written Tony and Rachel I hope you dont think I was too harsh with it. Quote
TachelHolden Posted May 18, 2010 Report Posted May 18, 2010 Heya laura great start, oh god i hope nothing happens to Tony after that argument Rach will be devastated, Tony is being really insensitive of course Rach loves him if shes been with him for that amount of time. A wedding is a stressful time and i bet she just wanted everything to be perfect for the big day. Quote
Barbara Posted May 18, 2010 Report Posted May 18, 2010 Great start. While I can understand why Rachel is stressed about the wedding, Tony offered his help and she got angry. He's already working more shifts so they have more money for the nuptials. He can't be in two places at once. And Tony doesn't really get that women often stress about their wedding and want everything to be perfect. They should sit down and make plans together. Except for the dress of course. Tony shouldn't see what it looks like until their wedding day. I also think Tony is a bit insecure. Rachel clearly loves him and I'm sure she doesn't care that he's older than her or she wouldn't have started dating him in the first place. Next chapter doesn't sound good at all. Please update soon. Quote
KirstyEkua Posted May 18, 2010 Report Posted May 18, 2010 Oh yey another fic I thought that was a strong opening chapter. I love how Rachel was all stressed and worried about the wedding while Tony just didn't seem to understand the fuss. He's very laid back while she is a little highly strung But i think that's very true to their characters and i think you've brought that out very well. I did feel a little sorry for Rachel when Tony was kinda teasing her though; it obviously means a lot to her and i wish he'd been able to understand that instead of getting angry and stroming out. Although again that's a very typical trait of Tony's so it's realistic. I think you captured their emotions really well and had some really good detail that helped make things clear. It flowed nicely and i am really looking forward to reading the next chapter, sounds like it's going to be intense! Quote
Danni02 Posted May 19, 2010 Report Posted May 19, 2010 wow good start! Poor Rachel getting all stressed then Tony going off like that... Not liking the sounds of the preview though! Doesnt sound great. Quote
Danni02 Posted May 19, 2010 Report Posted May 19, 2010 Great update Laura. You have really written the emotions well and its so descriptive. Aww Tony is dead! No wonder Charlie couldnt say it that must be an awful thing to have to tell someone and must be hard from them to stay profesional when they are telling a friend something like that. Poor poor Rachel and Jack, its going to be awful when they have to tell Lucas. Slightly worried at the ending....wondering what Rachel has done.... Update soon Quote
Barbara Posted May 19, 2010 Report Posted May 19, 2010 Oh no. Tony! I hope he didn't suffer much because his death sounds really awful. Poor Rachel! I liked how you wrote what Rachel was feeling like when she kept on hoping that it was a mistake and Tony would come back. Poor Jack! He lost both his parents and he has to tell his little brother that their father died. And he is worrying about Rachel too. I felt bad for Charlie as well. She must have told many people about one of their loved ones' deaths but having to make this kind of announcement to a friend must be ten times worse. Looking forward to the next chapter. Quote
CHARLENE2009 Posted May 19, 2010 Report Posted May 19, 2010 oh my god i actully cried reading this story poor rachel how is she going to cope with loosing her fiance gone Jack (poor Jack) my heart goes out to him so much _love him Lucas _______ oh god i wudnt like to be in jacks shoes when he tells lucas tony is dead cant wait for more *xx* Quote
Red Ranger 1 Posted May 19, 2010 Report Posted May 19, 2010 Oh...my...goodness.I really liked the opening, Tony and Rachel's different thoughts and perspective on things, how in a sense they wanted the same thing but in a different way.But then you pulled the rug from under the reader completely.When Charlie and Angelo turned up and we got that insight into their thought processes, I had a feeling they were going to say Tony was dead but I kept wondering if you'd actually do that.And then you did and I was just openmouthed.That is a really brilliant idea and I'm so looking forward to seeing where this story goes. Quote
TachelHolden Posted May 20, 2010 Report Posted May 20, 2010 A few words OMGGGGGGGGG i cant believe you killed Tony. Loved the update though,this fic is so different to your last one which makes it interesting to read also Quote
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