Distance and Time

[charmed60]

Thank you so much Red Ranger, Carine, Laura and Kirsty. Sorry for the long wait - I hope you enjoy.

“Rach” Tony whispered; his heart breaking at how vulnerable and scared she looked as she sat with her hands on her lap, her head downcast. He tried not to let the shock show on his face when he saw the nasty gash on her forehead and as he moved closer he gagged when he noticed how bruised her arms were; it made him feel sick knowing that some jerk had grabbed her and hurt her like that.

“I’m glad you’re here” she cried, reaching out her arms for him as her quiet tears became a distressed sob.

“Hey it’s okay” Tony soothed, holding her close to him as he rubbed her back gently; he couldn’t believe how much she was shaking and fury ran through his veins…if he ever saw the guy who did this…”You’re safe now” he whispered, choking back tears; “no-one’s going to hurt you, I’m here for you.”

“Where were you” she cried, holding on tightly to him as if it was the only thing that would keep her safe. “You said you’d be there.”

Tony creased his brow in confusion and stuttered as he tried asking her what she was talking about.

“You were supposed to pick me up” she explained as flashbacks of her sitting outside the hospital forced their way into her mind. “Why didn’t you come” Rachel added, hurt and rejection pulsing through her body; “if you’d have just picked me up this would never have happened” she screamed, hitting him on the chest. Tony tried everything he could to restrain her as he tried to understand how he could have forgotten, guilt flooding through his veins. She screamed out in pain as he touched her shoulder and Tony instantly recoiled, running his hands through his hair as he looked on at her in horror.

“I’m sorry” she cried, resting once again on his chest as she took a handful of his t-shirt in her hands and clenched her fists tightly. “I’m just so scared Tony, I’m really scared.”

Tony wrapped his arms around her tentatively and tried forcing himself to say the comforting words he wanted her to hear; but he couldn’t speak. Guilt had plagued his body so ferociously and he felt physically sick, knowing that if he’d have remembered to pick her up then she would never have had to go through this. She wouldn’t have deep fingernail marks engrained in her arms or bruises in the shape of some lowlife’s fingers. Tony felt anger run straight through to his fingertips and he clenched his fists as he imagined tracking down the person who did this to her and hurting them so bad they never walked or slept again. He squeezed her tighter as if to comfort her and held his breath as a tear trickled down his cheek; just so Rachel wouldn’t see that he was crying. He hated himself so much and felt completely helpless; he should have remembered, this was all his fault.

****************

Tony gazed at Rachel as he finally watched her close her eyes and rest. Unable to confront what he’d done he bypassed any conversation and instead encouraged her to get some rest, gently stroking her face as she finally drifted off. He hated that he couldn’t comfort her like he usually would; felt angry at the fact he could only stroke one tiny spot on her forehead so as not to touch her wound and cause her any pain. But more than anything he hated seeing her like this; whimpering in her sleep as if she was still being tormented; knowing that he was responsible for it.

“Hey Dad” Jack whispered as he poked his head through the door, checking that it was okay to come in. He felt a pang of sadness when he saw the bruises covering the upper half of Rachel’s body and the detached, devastated look on his father’s face. “I was hoping to come and speak to Rach; take a statement while her memory’s still clear.”

“Maybe not now mate” Tony spiritlessly replied; “she’s only just got to sleep, let her rest for a bit.”

“If we wanna catch the guy who did this we need to do it pretty soon” Jack insisted tentatively.

“I said not now Jack” Tony screamed, his tear filled eyes bulging with fury. He breathed deeply as he tried to calm himself down and looked back at Rachel. “This shouldn’t have happened” he stared in horror, bringing his hand up to his mouth. “I did this.”

“How can you blame yourself for this?” Jack sighed, trying not to take offense from his Dad’s outburst. He moved next to him and placed a reassuring arm on his shoulder before kneeling down next to him. “You didn’t know this was going to happen.”

“I was supposed to pick her up Jack” Tony cried, a tear escaping as it dropped quickly onto his arm, “She gave up waiting for me so walked home on her own; if I’d have just remembered she would never have gone through this, it would never have happened” he sobbed, crying into his arm.

Jack wrapped his arm around his shaking shoulders and desperately tried to make him see that it was an accident, that he wasn’t to blame. But Tony wouldn’t accept it, he felt so guilt ridden that it had consumed his whole body and was convinced that there could have been ways to avoid it.

“She deserves better than this” Tony adamantly declared; “she deserves to be with someone who can take care of her, who doesn’t forget to pick her up after work.” He shook his head furiously, unable to control the hate he felt for himself.

“Dad, don’t” Jack sternly argued; “you didn’t see what she was like when she lost you, you can’t think of that. She needs you to get through this, she can’t do it on her own.”

“But I can’t protect her” Tony insisted; “this stupid, damaged brain of mine is letting me down and it’s letting her down” he screamed as he hit his head violently; his eyes red and puffy.

Jack felt a pain in his chest as he watched the emotional trauma his Dad was inflicting on himself. He didn’t know what to say back to him; he knew that if he’d forgotten to pick up Martha up and she’d been hurt that he would blame himself to. As he began to mutter some reassuring words he saw Rachel begin to stir and so stopped

immediately, knowing Tony wouldn’t want her to know how much he was beating himself up.

“Hey Rach” Jack smiled, trying not to look at the red and swollen wound on her forehead. “Is it alright if we have a little talk?” Rachel looked sleepily back at him, fear evident in her eyes before she turned to Tony.

“It’s okay” he reassured, having wiped his tears away in order to hide them from her. “I’ll be here.”

******************

“What are you doing up, it’s the middle of the morning” Martha yawned as she stretched her arms above her and wrapped them around Jack’s shoulders before kissing his neck softly. “What’s that?” she added, pointing to the legal document that he was clutching tightly in his hand.

“I got given it at work today” Jack explained, his eyes red from where he hadn’t slept. “It’s the papers they served Charlie; we’ve all got to decide as a family whether to press charges or not.”

“Oh Jack” Martha sighed, understanding the predicament he was in. “Do you want to, honestly?”

“I don’t know” he admitted, rubbing his head as he felt a migraine coming on. “Part of me does, I feel like someone needs to be punished for what happens to Dad.”

“Well that’s understandable” she nodded empathetically.

“But at the same time, she’s denying any involvement in it and I don’t know” Jack sighed in frustration; “I trust her, I can’t imagine her doing something like this. And I feel awful going ahead with the charges if she’s claiming that she never did anything wrong.”

“I understand that to” Martha agreed; her tone becoming more serious as she saw the internal battle her husband was going through. “But Jack you don’t have to carry this all on your shoulders alone. Like you said, you’ve got to decide as a family so why don’t you talk to Luc and Rach and especially your Dad. See what they think.”

Jack breathed out loud as he rubbed his eyes, realising that his wife was right; he couldn’t decide on his own and he didn’t need to. He just felt a huge responsibility, he was the police officer in the family; he should be the one to make these sort of decisions shouldn’t he?

“I’ll talk to them about it tomorrow when I take Rachel’s statement” he declared, rubbing Martha’s arm gently as he stood up to make his way back to bed.

“Wait I thought you already took it at the hospital?” Martha replied, pulling him back down into his chair.

“I started to but…Dad made me stop. She started getting flashbacks to it all and got really distressed; he thought it was too much to put her through.”

“Poor Rach” Martha breathed, shaking her head in disbelief at what had happened.

“I really want to catch the jerk that did this” Jack insisted, clenching his fists in anger. “Not just for Rachel but for Dad to, he’s carrying around a lot of self blame for it.”

“You can only do so much” Martha reminded; not wanting to see her husband take on so much. “Come on, you need some sleep.”

Preview:

Tony takes a risk from Leah's advice after Rachel struggles to cope - will it pay off?

Charlie muses on her loneliness

[charmed60]

Wow so many comments! Thank you so much callyha, Carina, Red Ranger, Suzanne, Katie, Kirsty and Laura. I hope you enjoy

“Morning Leah” Tony smiled weakly as he stood to the side and held his arm out to welcome her in. She thanked him politely but couldn’t help notice the wrinkles that had recently formed around his eyes and the dark circles looming underneath. His hair was messy, brushed in different directions and as he started to offer her some coffee, she noted how tired and croaky his voice was.

“How is she” Leah timidly asked as they both sat down on the couch, Tony with a steaming mug of black coffee in his hands. She noticed him hesitate with his answer as if he was contemplating what to say but with a defeated resignation; he began to tell her the truth.

“Not good” Tony shrugged, knowing that Rachel wouldn’t mind Leah knowing, she was her best friend. “I’ve been up with her all night; she’s only been able to sleep for about an hour at a time before the nightmares kick in. It’s horrible” he shuddered, tears stinging in his eyes. “She starts crying in her sleep and I have to wake her up, I can’t watch her like that. I just want to make them stop for her.”

Leah sighed sadly and placed a reassuring hand on Tony’s; aware of how much pressure he was under. “Maybe she needs to speak to somebody” she whispered, unsure of whether Tony would take to the idea or not.

“She doesn’t want to; I already suggested that” Tony sighed, “she wants to deal with things herself. Plus she can’t bring herself to talk about what happened; she’s too frightened, she hasn’t even managed to give her statement yet.”

“Hmm, well maybe I could take her out shopping? Maybe she doesn’t need to talk but just be able to feel like everything’s okay; forget what happened?” Leah suggested, remembering how she felt with her agoraphobia.

“You’re welcome to try” Tony offered, “I’m not sure she’ll let me out of her sight though.”

“It’ll take some time” Leah smiled reassuringly, “but she’ll get there. And the baby’s okay right?”

“Yeah, yeah the baby’s fine. It’s a boy” Tony smiled, a sparkle appearing in his eye.

“Really? That’s fantastic” Leah beamed, her hands clapping in excitement, “so I can finally start buying things? There is a gorgeous pair of booties I saw when I was out the other day but I resisted temptation because I didn’t know whether to get the blue or pink ones. Now I can get them.”

Tony grinned at Leah’s enthusiasm, sipping his coffee in an attempt to wake himself up before passing her the ultrasound picture which was placed on the arm of the couch.

“He’s going to be a little troublemaker; he wouldn’t sit still at all throughout the scan. When I heard his heartbeat for the first time I bawled like a big baby. And can you see he’s sucking his thumb,” Tony described proudly, excitedly babbling about his son before the sound of Rachel screaming from her room wiped the smile from his face, replacing it with a worried frown.

“It’s okay, I’m here, shh” Tony soothed, repeating the words he’d been saying to her all throughout the night as he found her sitting upright in bed, her head buried in her hands. He wrapped his arms tightly around her back, allowing her to cry into his shoulder as the terror of her ordeal repeated itself again.

“I was trying to find you and you weren’t there; I couldn’t see you” she sobbed, clinging tightly to him as if her life depended on it. Unaware that her nails were digging into his back, Rachel took deep breaths as she attempted to calm herself down; comforted by Tony’s embrace.

“I’m here now, I’m not going to let anyone hurt you” he promised, trying to ignore the aching he felt in his heart as he was reminded again of how much he’d let her down.

“I’m sorry” she apologised as the tears slowed down and she relaxed into his arms. “I’m supposed to be looking after you, I haven’t done a very good job have I?”

“Hey, we look after each other” Tony disagreed, tucking her tear stained hair behind her ears. “Sometimes you need to let people look after you. Why don’t you come out and have some brekkie? Leah’s in the living room.”

“That sounds nice” Rach smiled, pleased to have a bit of normality in her life and looking forward to seeing her best friend again. More than anything she just wanted to forget what had happened to her, she hated feeling so incapable. She saw how much extra Tony had been doing around the house and it racked her with guilt, knowing that he was meant to be resting. She wanted to feel like she could walk down the street on her own and not need Tony by her side incase someone jumped out from the bushes and hurt her. But at the moment even the thought of him leaving the house to get some bits from the shop filled her with fear and caused her to have heart palpitations.

“Will you wait here while I have a shower?” she begged, needing to know he was just the other side of the door. “I won’t be long.”

*************

Charlie aimlessly walked around the house, running her finger over pictures of happy times with Angelo; proof that he’d loved her. Or maybe he hadn’t she mused; maybe he’d used her to boost his own ego, to make him feel better about himself knowing that he could get her to fall in love with him. Angelo had conveniently gone away for a stag weekend with a friend from work which meant she hadn’t had a chance to see him again; something she was deep down pleased about.

She sighed loudly as her own voice echoed back at her immediately. She wished there was someone home to talk to; she hated feeling so lonely; although even if people were home she wondered whether they’d want to talk to her. Leah hadn’t been herself ever since she found out what had happened; it was like she was torn between her loyalty to Rachel and Tony and all attempts by Charlie to explain what had happened resulted in a half hearted apology from Leah that she was running late for something. Today it had been that she was due to meet with Rachel; another person Charlie was devastated at losing her friendship with. It was like she had no-one to turn to and more than anything she wanted Jack and especially Tony to understand she had no involvement but of course they’d believe Angelo wouldn’t they? He was Jack’s partner. Her fear that they would turn away from her was what had caused her to not even bother trying to explain; Angelo had already hurt them once, she didn’t want to add to that pain.

**************

“Leah I won’t be a second” Tony whispered as he poked his head around the door leading to the living room. “Just waiting for Rach to get out of the shower.”

“Tony I’ve been thinking” Leah mused, having taken advantage of the time she had to herself whilst he had been tending to Rachel. “I think you should go out, go and do something for yourself. I’ll stay with Rachel, it will do her good.”

Tony’s expression mimicked something similar to a deer caught in a headlight and he nodded profusely, clearly not keen at Leah’s suggestion. “I can’t, Rach said she needs me…”

“That’s my point” Leah interrupted, frustration brimming at her fingertips. “She’s got to learn to do things for herself; she can’t always rely on you. I think the best way to help her through is to help her realise she can do this herself; the longer we leave it the more difficult it will be for her.”

Tony hesitated; what Leah had said made a lot of sense but he was worried about leaving Rachel, worried that she wouldn’t cope without him and ultimately he wanted to be the one there to comfort her when she got scared. He cast a doubtful look towards their bedroom door as Leah carried on persuading him; begging him to trust that it was the right decision. It was the way she’d coped with her agoraphobia she said; by confronting her fear head on. Maybe she was right Tony sighed, feeling a wave of guilt as he heard the water running from their bathroom. He grabbed his jacket from the coat hanger and instructed Leah that she was to call him if things got too much for her. He hoped Rachel would understand, would know that he was doing this because he loved her. As he quickened his pace for fear he would change his mind and heard the front door slam shut behind him, he prayed that he was making the right decision.

************

“Dad?” Jack interjected as he waved his hands in front of Tony’s glazed eyes, who hadn’t made any response to him in the past few minutes.

“Sorry mate” Tony breathed, forcing a smile. “What were you saying?”

“I’m wondering what you think we should do about Charlie? Did you wanna press charges?” Jack looked hopefully at his Dad, trusting that he would know what the right thing was to do. He always did.

“Oh I dunno” Tony sighed, silently thinking that it was the last thing on his mind. No matter how much he tried to keep his attention, his mind kept referring back to Rachel and how she would be coping. Not having a phonecall from Leah reassured him, surely she would let him know if things weren’t okay? He’d been gone hours, having walked around the Bay before meeting Jack in a bar for a few drinks. “You know, here we are judging Charlie and neither of us have spoken to her. Maybe we should pay her a visit, find out what actually happened.”

“That’s not a bad idea” Jack agreed, wondering why he hadn’t thought of it first. As a police officer he should have known that everyone was innocent until proven guilty and if he at least understood why Charlie did what she did, then he might be able to deal with the anger and betrayal he still felt strongly. “How about tomorrow?”

“Yer that’s fine” Tony smiled, circling his finger around the rim of his beer bottle before looking at his watch. “Actually it’s pretty late, I should head home.”

“Damn it I didn’t realise the time” Jack gasped as his eyes widened in surprise. “I haven’t spoken to Rach about the attack, how is she doing?”

“I’ll let you know” Tony smiled nervously, wondering how she was going to be when he got home. Maybe he was worrying over nothing; she might have had a good day, gone shopping with Leah and bought stuff for the baby. He hoped so.

Preview:

How does Rachel react when Tony comes home?

Charlie finally finds an unexpected ally.

[charmed60]

Thank you so much Red Ranger, Laura, callyha and Carina. Your comments are so so much appreciated

Tony hovered his hand over the door knob before putting his key in the lock and tentatively turning it to open the door, noticing that it had been locked. He didn’t see any light pouring through the gap at the bottom so either Rachel was in bed or she was still out; he wasn’t sure which one he’d prefer. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the door open and as he squinted against the darkness which hit him; he flicked the switch on the lamp; drawing his attention to Rachel who was sitting at the kitchen table. His heart dropped instantly as he saw how tear stained her cheeks were; her eyes red and puffy from where she’d obviously been crying.

“Rach, what’s happened” Tony gasped, dropping his keys on the table as he rushed forward; noting how she was refusing to look at him.

“What do you care” she seethed, a single tear crawling down her cheek. She kept her attention focused on her hands which were resting on her lap as she rolled a tiny piece of cotton in an attempt to distract herself. She’d been so frightened in the house on her own, thought somehow that the darkness would protect her, maybe give the idea that she was out in case anyone came looking for her.

“Of course I care” Tony insisted, taking a seat next to her as he placed his hand gently on top of hers. She pulled away instantly. Tony closed his eyes momentarily as if to block the hurt he felt out. “Where’s Leah?” he questioned softly, trying to understand why she left Rachel in this state.

“I asked her to leave” she mumbled in reply, trying to contain her anger. “I didn’t need a babysitter.” She looked up at him and tried to understand how the man she’d trusted so much could betray her like this.

Tony realised there and then that her reaction wasn’t related to the attack, it was directed at him. He looked away nervously, guiltily even and stuttered as he attempted to defend what he’d done.

“How could you have left when you promised me that you’d stay with me” she sobbed, the desperation evident in her voice. Tony noticed that her hands were shaking gently and he felt his heart gently breaking, a pain which reflected how he’d felt when he first saw her after the attack. A pain which hurt because he knew deep down he’d done this to her.

“I thought I was helping” he meekly replied, regretting his decision to leave her. It was a risk that hadn’t paid off.

“How could you be helping when I’d begged you not to leave me” Rachel screamed in reply, flinging her hand in front of her mouth as the words came out far louder and angrier than she’d intended. “Where have you been?” she added, her eyes flitting from side to side as she tried to read his expression, attempting to guess what he was going to say.

“I, I went to a bar” he dejectedly admitted, realising how pathetic it sounded the second he said it. “With Jack” he added after hearing her take a deep breath in.

She laughed ironically, before her emotions turned back to one of sadness and she started to cry again. “So having a beer is more important than my safety is it?” Her voice cracked as she stood up suddenly from her chair and walked away from the intensely emotional atmosphere they’d created around themselves. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she placed a hand subconsciously on her stomach, hoping her state wasn’t having a negative effect on her baby.

“Of course it isn’t” Tony shrieked, his hands waving animatedly in the air as he tried to convince Rachel against her ludicrous statement. “If I thought you were in danger I would never have…”

“Oh right so now I’m just being dramatic am I?” Rachel interrupted, using her arm to wipe another multitude of tears away. “Well I am really sorry for being such a burden on you these past few days Tony.”

“That is not what I mean” Tony sighed, his frustration increasing as he attempted to explain himself to no avail. “You are never a burden…”

“He knows everything about me” Rachel cried, desperate to show Tony the seriousness of the situation. “I had unpaid bills in my bag, my keys, my purse which means he knows where I live, he knows what car I have, my credit card details, everything.” She breathed heavily as she tried to speak either side of the sobs which were racking her body. “What if he comes back?”

Tony gulped back a sob as he realised what Rachel was really frightened of and seeing her look so vulnerable terrified him. He moved forward and wrapped his arms around her, sighing with relief as she momentarily enjoyed the comfort he was giving before she pushed him away and turned towards the window.

“I would never let that happen, I won’t let anyone hurt you” Tony soothed as he stood behind her, placing his hand on her shoulder which she quickly brushed away.

“Well you can’t do that if you’re not here can you” she bitterly replied, crossing her arms in front of her as she stared at him, pain radiating in her expression. She felt a wave of guilt come over her as she saw the hurt flash across his eyes and the lines along his forehead deepen.

“It won’t happen again I swear” Tony insisted, begging for her forgiveness. “I thought that if you needed to get over what happened then me being there wouldn’t…”

“Get over it?” Rachel shrieked, her face reddening with anger and disbelief. “It’s not like I can just switch my feelings off Tony or forget about how frightened I am; I asked you to stay with me because I needed you there but don’t worry” she assured, her eyes thinning as she glared angrily at him, “I’ll look after myself from now on.”

“Rach I want to look after you” Tony called after her but it was no use, she’d already left the room. He winced as he heard her bedroom door slam shut and if he listened carefully he could have sworn he could hear her crying. Running his hands through his hair he wondered how they were ever going to get through this, wondered why he ever listened to Leah and left her in the first place. It was too soon, too early to expect her to be able to cope on her own and face her fears. As fatigue washed over him, Tony dropped heavily onto the settee and propped a couple of cushions up on the arm of the chair, realising he would be sleeping out here tonight. He desperately wished he could go in and comfort her but he knew her too well; she needed her space and him going in there would only make things worse. Maybe once things had calmed down and she had some sleep, it would be better in the morning and everything would be fixed. Maybe.

****************

Tony winced as he felt a gnawing pain in his neck and his initial confusion as to why he was aching so much suddenly became clear as he remembered last night’s events. He pushed himself up and stretched, rubbing the muscle in his neck before turning and seeing Rachel sitting at the kitchen table, a mug of steaming decaffeinated coffee in her hands.

“Morning” he smiled brightly, hoping that she would have calmed down since last night before briefly wondering why she was dressed so smartly.

“Morning” she mumbled, munching on a piece of toast without looking up at him.

“How did you sleep?” he asked, despite knowing full well that she hadn’t slept well. He’d heard her crying in the night and so had sat next to her in bed, holding her hand and stroking her hair until she’d calmed down. She never woke up thankfully and it was only now that Tony was feeling the hit of weariness from lack of sleep, however he was desperate to make conversation with her.

“Fine” she abruptly replied, before slamming the magazine closed and placing her empty cup in the sink. “I’m going in to work, I’ll see you later tonight.”

“Woah, wait, what?” Tony spluttered, standing to his feet as his pillow flew to the floor. “Rach you can’t, you can’t go in, you’re still recovering.”

“Well I’ve just got to get over it haven’t I” she sarcastically bit back, narrowing her eyes at him before walking across the lounge and picking up her work bag.

Tony closed his eyes in defeat, mentally kicking himself for ever saying that. “Rach please, you’re not ready. I didn’t mean it like that, you know I didn’t. Just stay at home so we can talk, please.”

“I can’t, I’ve already told them I’ll go in” Rachel sighed, wishing she could let go of her anger. She knew deep down that he probably had thought he was doing the right thing but she couldn’t help the feelings of betrayal every time she thought about it. She wanted to talk to him, to resolve it but her instinct was to just run away, to immerse herself in work and hope that the feelings of anger would dissipate soon.

“Oh, okay” Tony shrugged, knowing she wouldn’t change her mind. “Shall I pick you up at eight?”

Rachel hesitated. The fear rose into her chest and she felt her hands shaking. “It’s okay, I’ve organised a cab” she smiled, pulling the door open.

“A cab” Tony repeated, feeling something which resembled a knife slicing through his heart.

“Yeah, it will save you coming out” she breathed positively, knowing how much she was hurting him. But she couldn’t help it, the terror that it could happen again was something she just couldn’t deal with.

“You just don’t trust me do you?” Tony sighed, his heart breaking as he realised he wasn’t the only one who felt like he’d let her down.

“Tony, I do, of course I do” Rachel stuttered, “it’s just, it’s easier. It’ll be late so you won’t have…”

“No don’t worry, I get it” Tony interrupted, smoothing his top down as he felt himself shrinking in size; what man couldn’t protect the woman he loved.

Rachel felt a pang of guilt and the lines on his forehead indicated to her how much she’d hurt him. His eyes were clouded over with sadness and he kept his gaze on the floor, waiting for her to leave.

“They’ve only let me work half a day so I should finish about two. Can you pick me up about half past?” Rachel pleaded, knowing that she needed to learn to trust him soon. She saw how much he was struggling with his memory problems and needed her full support; needed someone to trust him when he didn’t trust himself.

“Sure” Tony smiled, his eyes lighting up. As she returned a smile and left the house without kissing him he knew that things weren’t fully back to normal. Rushing to the window he watched as she got into Julie’s car, breathing a sigh of relief as he knew she would be transported safely. It made him feel sad knowing that she hadn’t wanted him to pick her up, it must mean that in some way she blamed him for what happened right? But he also knew how much faith she’d put in him to pick her up and he was adamant that he wasn’t going to let her down this time.

************

A tapping on the door startled Charlie and broke her from the daydream state she’d hypnotised herself into. Wearily pushing herself up from the settee she opened the door and smiled when she saw Irene standing there; a friendly smile on her face.

“G’day love” Irene greeted, “I was wondering if Leah was in?”

“Erm, no she’s popped to the shops” Charlie explained, wondering whether she truly had or if it had been an excuse to get away from her. She studied Irene’s face and wondered whether she hated her to.

“Oh, never mind I’ll catch her another time” Irene again smiled, her eyebrow creased in concern. “Are you okay darl?” she queried, noticing the bags under Charlie’s eyes and the way she spoke as if the life had been sucked out of her.

The concern Charlie heard in Irene’s voice was enough to cause the tears to come, it had been so long since someone had been kind to her and asked if she was alright. No matter how hard she tried to swallow them away they came faster until they were streaming down her face and she walked away from the door, unable to stand up without sobbing in her friend’s face.

“I’m so sorry Irene” Charlie cried, “you don’t have to stay I’ll be okay” she adamantly promised, feeling surprised that Irene had bothered to follow her into the house.

“I’m not leaving until I’m sure that’s the truth” Irene soothed, sitting down next to her and placing a comforting hand on her back. “What’s happened love?”

“It’s just all a mess” Charlie shrieked, unsure what it was that was causing her to be so open. “Everyone thinks I’m responsible for what happened to Tony but it wasn’t…I thought he loved me Irene, why would he do this? How could he?”

As Irene held her hand and tried to interpret Charlie’s anguished words, she listened as the entire story was explained to her, gasping as the truth was revealed.

“You don’t deserve to be carrying all this guilt around darl” Irene soothed, “you need to go to the police, tell them what happened.”

“I don’t want it to look like I’m making excuses” Charlie shrugged off, “Tony and his family have been through enough, they don’t need to be put through a long winding court case as well.”

“Love, you cannot take the blame for Angelo’s mistake. It’s ridiculous. I wont let you. If you don’t tell Tony the truth then I will…”

“No Irene please don’t, it’s easier this way” Charlie interrupted, desperately begging her friend not to make the situation more complicated.

“Sweetheart, I will not see you be blamed and punished just because your pathetic excuse of a boyfriend can’t be man enough to admit he made a mistake. You are worth ten of him darl and I’ll make sure he knows that.”

With that Irene marched out of her seat and out of the front door, irrespective of Charlie’s pleas not to say anything to him. What have I done? Charlie breathed, will Angelo come round now and have a go at her? She couldn’t handle that, she wasn’t strong enough to deal with it. She couldn’t face seeing him again and the main reason, though it made her angry to admit was that deep down she still loved him.

Preview: Tony goes to extremes

[charmed60]

Thank you Carina, Callyha, Red Ranger, Laura, Suzanne and Kirsty for your fantastic and amazing comments. You're all so faithful and kind! I hope you enjoy this chapter

Rachel yawned as she strolled through the hospital corridor in search of a box of blood bottles. As exhausted as she was, she was pleased she’d come in today and as much as she hated to admit it, Tony was right. Getting out of the house and facing her demons had been the best way to cope with her traumatic attack. The hospital had been kind in allowing Julie to work solely with her today, accompanying her when she treated patients so that she didn’t have to do anything alone. But as the day went past Rachel found that she was actually okay, that she could do this by herself and despite the fact that she was still jumping at sudden movements, noises and embarrassingly shadows; she no longer felt this feeling of impending doom in the pit of her stomach like she had done before. Getting back into a normal routine had actually been therapeutic for her and being able to help people made her realise how much stronger she was than she’d first believed. As she finished looking through a trolley, unsuccessfully finding any blood bottles, she carried on down the corridor, glancing down a side ward before carrying on. She paused. Retracing her steps back she peered her head around the corner and raised her eyebrow in suspicion when she saw Tony sitting on a chair, his head tucked in his hands as he looked at the time on his watch.

“Hey what are you doing here?” she questioned, standing over him as he looked up embarrassed at her.

“I, er, I’m here to erm, pick you up” he grinned. He’d picked the quietest corridor he could find in the hospital in the hopes that she wouldn’t find him.

“I don’t finish my shift for another hour or so, two hours” she corrected as she glanced at her watch. “Why are you here so early?” she laughed, easing herself down into a chair next to him in a way that only pregnant women did. That was hard work she breathed to herself as she caught her breath, weighed down by the weight of her baby and nudged Tony when he didn’t respond to her.

“I was…scared that I’d forget to pick you up” Tony admitted, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “So I came as soon as I remembered. It’s okay I don’t mind waiting.”

Rachel felt a lump in her throat as she realised the extent of what Tony was coping with. All the guilt he must have felt over her attack wasn’t helped by the fact that she’d practically blamed him to and she felt a pang of shame rush through her. Reaching for his hand she squeezed it gently and smiled at him, her eyes blurry with tears.

“As lovely as that is of you” she began, wanting him to know how grateful she was; “you can’t do this every time you come and pick me up. You’ll never have anytime to yourself.”

“I know” he sighed, placing his hand over hers. “I’d just hate to see you get hurt again because of me. This might not be convenient but it ensures that you and the baby are safe and that’s all that matters.”

Rachel sighed and rested her head on his shoulder, kissing his neck as she realised what an amazingly, loving fiancé she had. She regretted the way she’d behaved so much and didn’t realise how damaging her words were to him, how much she’d caused him to have so much self-doubt. “We’ll have to find a way to make this work for both of us” she promised.

“I hate that I can’t protect you like I used to be able to” Tony admitted, his face crestfallen with regret and frustration.

“You can protect me” Rachel insisted, “you’re here now aren’t you. This problem doesn’t make you any less of a man okay and we will find a way to work around it, it’s just going to take a little bit of time.” She smiled as she stroked his hair gently, praying deep down that she could keep her promise. “Now I’ve got to get back to work before they send out a search party for me” she laughed, “go and get yourself a coffee in the canteen and I’ll meet you in there in a bit.”

As she kissed his cheek and waved goodbye she realised how she would have to be careful in future. Tony’s confidence had hit rock bottom ever since the accident and she was shocked at how fragile he was, how much self hate he was carrying around; it broke her heart. There has to be a way I can help him she mused, biting her lip in thought. If only I knew how.

*******************

“Thank you, for calling me” Charlie stuttered, her mouth dry with nerves. She tucked her hands underneath the table and unconsciously played with her ring, the ring; she still couldn’t pluck up the courage to take it off.

“Well when Irene told us what happened love we couldn’t exactly say no” Tony smiled reassuringly.

“I’m so sorry” Charlie choked, her hand flinging to her mouth as she desperately tried to fight away the tears. “For everything I put you through, all of you”

“Hey” Tony soothed, reaching forward with his hand open, encouraging her to hold it.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell us the truth in the beginning; why you let us believe that you were responsible” Jack sighed. He didn’t mean to be so blunt but he was so tired of the situation. He hated that for months he’d been pointlessly directing his anger towards her, trying to get over what had happened when all along it was a waste of time. And now he was back to square one, back to trying to figure out what to do.

“I don’t know….I just…” Charlie breathed deeply. “I didn’t want to put you through anything else; I didn’t want to bring it up when you were obviously just wanting to get on with your lives.” She could feel the anger emanating from Jack and it frightened her to the core; he was her closest friend at work.

“You should have told us” Jack seethed, shaking his eyes disappointedly.

“Mate I don’t think she needs this right now” Tony whispered, nudging him under the table.

“I’m, I’m sorry Charlie” Jack apologised sincerely; “I’m just sick of it you know.”

“Don’t apologise. I’m the one whose sorry; I wish I’d have known from the start I could have stopped Angelo” Charlie ranted, consumed with guilt. “What are you going to do about it?” she timidly added, “about Angelo?”

“Well if it’s up to me I just want to forget about it” Tony admitted; “after everything that happened, me being here, Rachel’s attack, the baby, what you and Luc went through” he added, glancing at Jack. “It’s not worth all this anger, it’s time to put it in the past and move on.”

“Yeah well you didn’t have to go through any of the pain” Jack breathed, feeling anger pulsing through him at the thought of Angelo getting away with what he’d done.

“I know” Tony admitted sympathetically; “but all this anger isn’t doing you any good mate.”

“No you know what, he’s not getting away with this” Jack growled, banging his fist harshly on the table as she pushed his chair backwards and race out of the diner despite his father’s pleas to stop.

“I’m sorry” Tony sighed, seeing how much Charlie was beating herself up. “He’ll be okay he just needs to calm down.”

“I hate Angelo so much for what he’s done” she cried. “I thought we were going to be a family.”

“I’m sorry love, I really am. But you know, you’ll find someone else, someone who deserves you” he assured her, wincing as he realised he hadn’t even considered the fact that she’d lost a fiancé.

“Thank you Tony. You’re a good friend; you and Rachel, how is she?” she smiled brightly, wiping her tears away as she desperately tried to change the subject, for her sake.

“Yeah she’s good” Tony replied; “she’s been suffering a little bit with the pregnancy lately though. She’s had a bit of a migraine for the past few days so I forced her to take the day off and stay in bed, otherwise she would have been here. She said sorry though; she did want to come.”

“Oh it’s okay, I understand. I’ve missed her though, she must be near the end now?” Charlie beamed excitedly, breathing an internal sigh of relief. It sounded like Rachel wasn’t angry with her either.

“Only got a couple of months” Tony sang “and she misses you to. Things have been crazy lately but they should be getting back to normal. She said to say you’re welcome to come round any time. She starts maternity leave in a couple of weeks so she’ll definitely be wanting the company.”

“That sounds great, I’d love to” Charlie smiled, excited at the thought of having her friends back. Angelo had completely ruined her life to the point that she thought she’d never be able to get it back again but step by step things seemed to be brightening up for her.

Preview: Rachel thinks she may have found a solution to Tony's problems

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Thank you so much Carina, Red Ranger, Laura, Kirsty and callyha; you're all so dedicated and I really appreciate your comments thank you Only a little one here as I'm still working on the next bit but thought I'd post it, I hope you enjoy

“Hey, you’re not working on your day off are you?” Rachel queried as she entered the house to find Tony sitting at the kitchen table; an amusing expression of deep concentration on his face as he appeared engrossed in whatever he was reading from his laptop screen. She sighed with relief as she dropped a few heavy bags on the floor and wondered how Leah ever did manage to persuade her to go shopping this far along in her pregnancy; she felt pain in muscles she never even knew she had.

“No no” Tony breathed, managing a brief smile before turning his head back to the screen. “I’m…googling” he hesitated in saying, wondering if was a word that middle aged men were allowed to use. Every now and then words that he’d heard younger blokes say in the gym would blurt themselves out from his vocabulary and Rachel would raise her eyebrow at him as if he was speaking a foreign language.

“And googling is?” Rachel questioned; with that look on her face as she eased herself into a chair opposite him and rubbed her ankle against his leg; hinting for a foot massage.

“I’m…I’m just” Tony stumbled, turning his attention towards her as he lifted her foot onto his lap and performed his husband to be duties. “I’m trying to see if there’s anyone else out there with the same thing wrong as me. I thought maybe if I could talk to them they might be able to give me some tips on how to deal with it all and I might find some information on the internet to help me understand it better.”

“Tony you can always talk to me about it; I can tell you…” Rachel began, slightly hurt that he felt he couldn’t confide in her; that he’d rather share his thoughts with complete strangers.

“That’s not the point though Rach.” Tony’s voice deepened and he felt a pang of guilt as he realised he might have hurt her. “Look it’s great that you can explain all the medical stuff to me don’t get me wrong but…I just feel like I need to speak to people who…”

“Who understand exactly what you’re going through” she finished, smiling sympathetically. “That’s okay I understand that. Did you find anyone whilst you were googling” Rachel mocked.

“As a matter of fact I did” Tony laughed, “I found this support group online; mainly just for people with brain injuries not specifically my thing so I had to do some digging…”

Rachel felt like her heart was breaking into tiny little pieces as she listened to Tony explain the lengths he’d gone to to try and understand what had happened to him; to try and make him feel normal. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she watched his eyes spark as he excitedly rambled about how he’d spoken to a guy with a similar problem to him and how he’d given him a few tips to keep on top of things.

“That’s really great” Rachel beamed, it was such a relief to see him feeling more optimistic about his future. She rubbed her eyes in an effort to hide the tears and faked a yawn so that he thought she was just tired. “I’m going to get a coffee did you want one?”

“It’s okay, you take a seat on the couch and rest I’ll get you one” Tony offered; his positive mood practically emanating from him.

“Ohh thank you” she exclaimed in surprise as she moved to the couch and lifted her legs onto the stool, resting her head on the cushion behind her. She looked down at her feet and frowned as she noticed how swollen her ankles had become; they look like elephant feet she mumbled under her breath. Suddenly a well timed kick from the baby made her regret feeling negative against something her child had caused and she placed a hand on her bump in an attempt to apologise. “Did you take the rubbish out this morning” she muttered sleepily.

The sound of a spoon hitting the bottom of a cup echoed in the house. She heard Tony curse under his breath and she winced, wishing she’d never asked.

“It’s okay” she began, “I should have done it before I left, I was in such a rush…”

“No you shouldn’t” Tony bit back, appearing from behind the brick wall which separated their kitchen and living room. “You shouldn’t have to do everything just because I’m not capable of doing stuff myself”

“Tony that’s not what I meant.” Rachel bit her lip, hating that his optimistic mood had suddenly been dashed by one tiny moment of forgetfulness.

“No I know it wasn’t Rach, I’m not having a go at you I’m just angry” he ranted, running his fingers through his hair as he sighed in frustration. “I’ve been such a…fool, a complete and utter idiot for believing that things might be okay, that I could actually make things work and cope with my stupid…problem.”

“Tony, please don’t get angry. It’s really not that big of a deal” Rachel insisted, sadness washing over her as she watched him beat himself up over a few bags of rubbish.

“It is though, you don’t understand. Do you know how hard it is for me to know I’m so incapable of doing something so insignificant?” he breathed, his face reddening with anger and frustration. “I hate seeing you have to take on so much extra work just in case I forget to do it, it’s not right, especially not with you being pregnant.”

“I bought you a present today” Rachel smiled; desperately trying to change the subject. She’d heard this speech many times before; heard Tony go round and round in circles about how he hated not being able to ‘be the man’ and having to rely on her so much. It saddened her that they could never resolve it, she hated herself for not being able to find a solution that would help him feel strong about himself again. Hopefully this gift would change that.

“I’m sorry” Tony sighed; “you’re sick of hearing me go on aren’t you.”

“Nooo” Rachel drew out, “I just want you to open your present.” She watched as he managed a small smile and walked towards the bags she’d dropped earlier; raising his eyebrow as he pulled out a feather duster.

“You trying to hint something?” Tony joked, waving it in front of her in an attempt to tickle her.

“No it’s for the top of the cupboards that I can no longer reach now that your child is stopping me from being able to stand on a chair safely” Rachel explained, running her hand absentmindedly over her bump. “You’re in the right bag though.”

She held her breath as Tony pulled out a box and studied it, his expression not giving much away. She was frightened that he might take it the wrong way; that he’d be insulted despite her belief that it would solve most of his concerns.

“It’s a diary” he stated, sitting down carefully next her; the box clutched tightly in his hand.

“An electronic one” she added, “you just put in what needs to be done each day and it reminds you. You’ll never forget anything ever again” she smiled, placing her hand over his.

“I, Rach this must have cost you a fortune” Tony gasped; unsure how he felt about it. Of course he wished he didn’t have to rely on a piece of technology to tell him what he needed to do each day but if it was going to help him then it had to be good didn’t it? Plus he would never turn away a new gadget to play with.

“You’re worth it” Rachel brushed off “and plus if it helps you to have more independence and remember the things you want to do then it’s worth every penny.”

“Thank you” Tony smiled, leaning forward to peck her affectionately on the lips.

“You’re not upset about it are you?” Rachel cautiously asked, wondering whether his lack of speech was a result of anger or just shock.

“No, not at all” Tony insisted. “It’s great, it’ll help a lot. And hey I might not need it for long” he exclaimed; aware of his test results which were due in in a couple of weeks.

“Good” Rachel breathed a sigh of relief. “They’re going to come back fine Tony I know they will; this is just going to be short term.”

“I hope so. Thank you so much. I might go and set it up now” he gleamed excitedly, fishing the instruction booklet from the box and sitting himself down at the kitchen table. A wash of relief ran through Rachel as she watched his eyes widen in excitement and his eyebrow burrow in concentration. Maybe things would be okay now she wondered.

Preview:

Jack resolves to punish Angelo but is stopped by a surprising person.

Jack needs a woman's opinion to help him decide on Martha's birthday present.

[charmed60]

Thank you so so much for your lovely comments Callyha, Carina, Red Ranger, Katie, Suzanne and Kirsty. And I'm so sorry for how long it's taken to update but I'm back to work and it's crazy at the moment. I hope you enjoy

“Morning, you’re up early” Rachel yawned as she ran her hand across Tony’s shoulder and reached towards the percolator; making herself a much needed coffee. A wave of dizziness passed over her and she placed a hand out to steady herself; she never was very good in the morning.

“Yeah, Jack’s got to pick something up for Martha’s birthday so I offered to go to the city with him. Gonna make a day out of it, grab some lunch and then maybe go for a surf this arvo, we haven’t had a chance to spend much time together lately and I wanted to talk to him about Angelo. He’s got this insane idea that he wants to go and confront him, I’ve gotta try and knock some sense into him. You gonna be okay on your own?” Tony asked, checking all his cards were in his wallet before placing it in the back pocket of his jeans.

“Erm, sure, I’ll be fine” Rachel smiled hesitantly. She didn’t want to tell him he’d forgotten, it would make him feel worse about his situation. The diary had been great so far in helping him; but he had to remember to put it in in the first place.

“Knock knock” Jack called as he stepped into the open doorway, scrap pieces of paper lodged into his clenched grip.

“Hey mate you ready to go?” Tony greeted, grabbing his keys from the kitchen table.

“Sure, actually before we went, Rach I was wondering if I could ask your advice” Jack questioned, his eyes looking confused as he looked down at the pages in front of him. “I don’t know which one to get Martha, I can’t decide and so I thought a woman’s opinion might help.”

“Sure” Rachel smiled, rubbing her temples slightly. She hadn’t slept well last night, the baby wouldn’t keep still and for some reason her mind wouldn’t switch off. “Although I can’t say I’ve got as good taste as Martha…wow they’re beautiful” she gasped as Jack held them in front of her.

“Well, it’s her 25th birthday, so got to do something special right?” he grinned, pleased at her reaction.

Rachel stared in awe at the images of the beautiful sparkling diamond bracelets Jack had picked out on the internet. “Well this one’s stunning, makes a statement and obviously costs a fortune” she described, “but I think this one’s more Martha. It’s more simple, delicate but not too fragile and she could wear it with a lot more things. But it’s up to you, did you want to get one that’s more Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?” She looked up at the two men standing in front her, their eyes distant and confused.

“Did you understand any of that Dad” Jack whispered?

“Not a word mate, not a word” Tony admitted, shrugging.

“Men” Rachel teased, “did you want to get one she can wear on special occasions or every day?”

“Now that I understand” Jack breathed, “I’m kind of thinking every day, we don’t really get out much” he admitted shyly.

“Then definitely this one” Rachel selected, holding it in front of him as he took it and folded it carefully in his back pocket. A tone suddenly rang out as Jack began to talk and he looked around the room, his eyebrows raised.

“What on earth is that?” he quizzed.

“It’s this diary Rach bought me” Tony explained as he pulled it from his back pocket and lighted up the screen. His face fell. “Shoot, Rach why didn’t you tell me about the appointment with the obstetrician today?”

“Tony it’s fine it’s not important” Rachel insisted, cursing the diary under her breath.

“Of course it is” he interrupted, “Jack mate I’m sorry but”

“Tony go” Rachel begged. “It’s not like they’re going to be doing a scan they’re just going to be asking me all these boring questions about my weight and my massive ankles.”

“But they listen in to the baby to don’t they?” Tony asked, desperate not to miss it.

“Well…yeah” Rachel admitted, biting her lip. “but look I’ll…record it on my phone” she nodded, smiling encouragingly. “You boys should go out and have fun, Martha’s going to be thrilled with that present and you haven’t had anytime to yourself lately.”

“Okay” Tony sighed, “but only if you’re sure. And call me if you need anything okay?”

“I will, I promise” Rachel nodded, kissing him on the lips. “Everything will be fine.”

*******************

Jack marched along the pebbled pathway, his fists clenched so tightly that he was unknowingly drawing blood from his palms. His Dad had tried to persuade him against confronting Angelo earlier today, begged him to move on and leave things in the past. He needed all the facts anyway he said, he couldn’t just jump straight in. Well he had the facts now. He saw the I.P address the report came from and it was Angelo’s computer. And nothing, not anybody, was going to stop him from making him pay.

Apparently Angelo went surfing at four thirty every single afternoon that he wasn’t at work. Well not today he wouldn’t be Jack muttered bitterly under his breath; 16.34 he confirmed checking his watch. Anytime now. He hated to admit it but he was pleased when his Dad had decided to skip the surf and go home earlier. He’d received a call on their way to lunch and thinking back now acted really strange ever since. Maybe he should call him, make sure things were okay. But not now. Not until this was sorted.

A movement flashed past in the corner of his eye and he swung his body around to find Angelo making his way towards the sea; surfboard in hand. The anger shot through him so fast he felt like a bolt of electricity had shocked him and his legs began to move against his will, hurtling towards him. He clenched his fist even tighter, tucking his thumb into his palm in preparation for what he was about to do to him.

“Jack, hey mate” Angelo greeted but his welcoming smile didn’t last long on his face as he saw the fury radiating from his friend.

“Who the hell do you think you are” Jack screamed, pushing Angelo violently to the floor as he rolled him onto his stomach and pressed his knee painfully into the middle of his back. “You thought you were being really smart didn’t you. Blame your girlfriend, someone who can’t stick up for herself and everyone will believe you because you’re the clever cop.” He placed his hands around the back of Angelo’s neck and forced his face into the sand; getting a slight sense of satisfaction at hearing him cough.

“You disgust me do you know that. Everything you put my family through; for months I thought my Dad was dead and my life was falling apart around me but you didn’t care…”

“I thought he was dead” Angelo mumbled back, choking as clumps of sand hit the back of his throat.

“That wasn’t your call to make” Jack seethed back; “you betrayed you friends for the sake of money. You’re a lowlife.” He lifted his fist up behind his head, prepared to take full advantage of having him lying helplessly in front of him. As he went to bring his fist down hard upon his head he heard a woman screaming and then pull his arm behind him. He yelled out in pain as he twisted his body and fell onto the sand.

“Jack don’t do it please” Charlie begged, rushing forward to make sure Angelo was okay.

“Are you serious” Jack gasped, “after everything he did to you, you’re defending him?”

“I knew you’d come back to me” Angelo smiled, his eyes sparkling with relief.

“Don’t kid yourself, I’m not coming back to you not now not ever” she bitterly retorted back. “I just didn’t want Jack to lower himself to your level. He’s not worth it” Charlie nodded to her friend. “Your Dad’s alive and he’s doing really well” she beamed. “He wants to move on now and I think you should to Jack. You’ve got another chance with him, to be a family.”

“I don’t know if I can get rid of this anger” Jack admitted shamefully, his body shaking. “It hurts so much.”

“I know” she smiled sadly yet empathetically. “Knowing that the one person you thought cared for you could betray you like that is something I don’t think you can ever get over.”

“I’m so sorry Charlie” Angelo apologised. He could feel the shame running through his body, he regretted everything he’d done. “Please give me one more chance and I’ll prove to you the kind of person I really am.”

“I already know” she bit back. “And I don’t like it one bit.”

Preview:

Rachel returns home to find Tony distressed but will her insistence to stay with him cost her her life?

[charmed60]

Aww thank you so much Carina, callyha, Red Ranger, Laura, Katie and Kirsty (and those who've pmed me ) Your comments mean so so much to me and make me all warm and happy Sorry the updates have slowed down so much, work is crazy at the moment! But I appreciate you all taking the time to read and comment xx

Rachel sighed as she pulled up on the driveway, rubbing her temples as she turned the key in the lock and removed it from the ignition. Her obstetrician wanted her to stay in overnight, to keep an eye on her blood pressure which had apparently rocketed since her last appointment. But Rachel knew she was just being over cautious and the last thing she wanted to do was spend the night stranded in an itchy hospital bed, eating cold, tasteless hospital food. The thought of doctors coming in and asking her nosy questions about her appetite, her weight and asking for samples of her body fluid made her shudder. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes she muttered before smiling as she recollected how Tony had mocked her for being a terrible patient at her last obstetric appointment. She couldn’t help answering the questions before the doctors asked them, she knew what they were going to say. She’d managed to persuade her doctor to let her come home and get some stuff first; there was no way she was going to let one of those hospital gowns anywhere near her. Plus she knew Tony would have panicked if she’d called him so she thought it would be best to talk to him face to face; to let him know it was just one of those annoying hospital protocols to avoid them being sued.

She placed her key in the lock and opened the door gently, raising her eyebrow as Tony jumped up from the table and walked behind the partition separating the living room from the kitchen. “Tony?” she enquired as she saw him wipe his eyes with his arm, “are you okay? What’s happened?”

“I, er, I tried calling you” he muttered, his back to her as he stared out of the window. He’d been trying to call her for the past hour, desperately needing to talk to her.

“Oh sorry. I turned my phone off when I went in the hospital, I must have forgotten to turn it back on” she drifted off, noticing how red and swollen his eyes were. “Tony, talk to me. What’s wrong.”

“Doctor Wallis called today” he began, his voice shaking and his hand desperately gripping the side of the sink. “Apparently the scans showed dam…damage to part of the brain” he stuttered, the pain of the words he hadn’t yet said hitting him hard. “It’s permanent Rach, there’s nothing they can do.”

Rachel’s hand flew to her mouth as she let out an involuntary gasp. She felt a barrage of tears run through her body and one single tear escaped and trickled down her cheek. “It’s going to be okay” she soothed, placing her bag on the table and rushing forward towards him. She tried to hug him but he put his shaking hands up to stop her.

“What did I do to deserve this?” he choked, “I’ve got to cope with this for the rest of my life. How, how am I going to do it. How…”

“You’re not going to do it on your own” Rachel cried, “you’ve done so well to get this far and the more time that goes past, the more you will get used to it.”

“Rachel, stop” Tony screamed, his face red with anger. “I don’t want to get used to it, I don’t want to be this burden and have everyone feel sorry for me because I can’t remember simple stuff. I see people’s sympathetic looks when I repeat myself Rachel and I don’t want to have that every single day for the rest of my life. It’s too patronising, I’m not a child.”

“I know you’re not” Rachel insisted, grabbing his hand and squeezing it reassuringly. “And so does everyone else. You see yourself so differently to how we all do Tony, all your friends are just thankful that you’re still here with us. We felt what it was like to lose you and I know it doesn’t feel like it to you but to us it’s a small price to pay just to have you back.”

“I don’t want to be like this Rach” Tony admitted, his voice softer as the anger disappeared and sorrow quickly replaced it.

She hesitantly moved closer to him again and cupped his face in her hands. “I still love you” she smiled, “and soon we’re going to have a baby whose not going to leave you anytime to worry or think about this. He’s going to be demanding all of your attention…”

“What if I forget to do something and he gets hurt? What if I forget to feed him or change him…” Tony interrupted, his heart pounding as the realisation that he could do something to hurt his son became real.

“You wont” Rachel quickly interrupted, running the top of his arms gently. “We’ll get into a schedule and we’ll work everything out and it’s not like you’ll be doing this on your own. You’ll have me” she smiled. “And I’m relying on you to teach me how to bathe him and soothe him when he’s crying because I don’t know any of that stuff.”

“What if I’ve forgotten how to do that” Tony half joked, feeling completely useless.

“You won’t have done” Rachel laughed, placing her arms around his middle and snuggling into his chest. “You’ll be a natural; you already are with Jack and Luc.”

“I hope so” he whispered, contemplating his future. “I just hate feeling so useless.”

“You’re not useless” Rachel insisted. “And you can prove it to me by going to run me a nice bath because I’m exhausted and then give me a head massage because I have a really nasty headache and once all that’s done, I’ll get started on dinner.”

“Okay sounds like a deal” Tony smiled, kissing the top of her head. He hoped that one day he would be able to accept it and if he was being honest, he was only pretending that things were okay for the sake of Rachel. But they weren’t okay, they weren’t okay at all. He would never be able to care for the people he loved like he could before, he’d already let Rachel and their baby down once and he knew it would happen again one day, yet there was nothing he could do to stop it. It broke his heart completely and he wasn’t sure it would ever be healed again.

Preview:

Tony is faced with a life and death situation; how will he cope?

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Thank you so so much Red Ranger, Carina, Laura and callyha. And a special thank you to Chipsferryroxmisox; thank you so much for reading the whole story; I really appreciate your comments and I'm glad you like it so much And thank you for following hehe. Sorry there's so long between updates; blame work!

Rachel took a deep breath and walked carefully out of the bedroom and into the kitchen; holding on to the sides of the walls for support. She’d been trying to sleep for the past few hours but a combination of Tony’s gentle snoring and the fact that her head was momentarily spinning was not making it easy. Tiny black spots danced about in front of her eyes and a wave of dizziness passed over her that was so strong it nearly knocked her off of her feet. She desperately clung to the kitchen worktop, breathing deeply in an effort to make it pass. Her heart was thumping in her chest and it was making it more difficult for her to breathe. “Tony” she whispered, summoning all of her strength to call him. She was frightened. “Tony” she tried again, but all that came out was a timid squeak. She looked around desperately for something that she could use to wake him up but nothing was in arms reach. Stumbling along the kitchen floor she reached out towards the sink, wondering if a glass of water might make her feel better but as she reached out towards the tap she knocked a few glasses from the draining board and they went crashing to the floor. Rachel jumped; she hadn’t even seen them there. She cursed under her breath and went to look down to see the mess she’d made on the floor but as she did she felt a rush of nausea run over her and so she lifted her head up again, praying that Tony would wake up soon.

“Rach?” She heard his muffled voice echo throughout the house and tears of relief sprung to her eyes. “Hey what happened?” she heard him ask from behind her but she was afraid to move. “Rach?” he urged, his voice suddenly sounding concerned as he quickened his pace and rushed over, tiptoeing over the shards of glass and running his hand over her back. “Are you okay?”

“No, I, I don’t feel well” Rachel stuttered, “something’s wrong. I can’t breathe properly” she gasped, panic rising in her chest as she reached her hand out towards him, gripping his t-shirt tightly.

“Okay calm down” he soothed, trying not to let his worry show. Whenever Rachel was sick she would always get on with things; dose up on medicine and play down how bad she felt. It was one of the little things that wound Tony up about her; he just wanted to take care of her but she wouldn’t be fussed over. That’s what made him so scared, for her to admit she felt ill must mean that there was something really wrong. “Come and sit down over here” he instructed.

“No, no I can’t move” she protested, closing her eyes tightly to avoid seeing the room spin so much. It made her feel violently sick. “I feel so woozy.”

“Rach you need to sit down” Tony demanded, feeling the weight of her body become heavier against him as her knees shook beneath her. He looked around desperately for the house phone, he didn’t want to deal with this on his own. He didn’t trust himself. “Just hold on to me” he soothed, wrapping his arms tightly around her and leading her towards the kitchen table. She stumbled and gripped his arm tightly as Tony used all the muscle strength he had to keep her upright.

“The baby, what if something’s wrong” Rachel sobbed, clutching Tony’s hand tightly as he helped her onto a chair before pulling one up opposite her.

“The baby’s fine” Tony smiled unconvincingly; “the docs checked him out yesterday and everything was okay wasn’t it?” Rachel suddenly sat upright, gasping as she looked Tony directly in the eye.

“I was meant to go back” Rachel mumbled in between breaths.

“What, what do you mean? Go back where?” Tony questioned as he used his other free hand to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear. He hated to see her look so scared, her eyes were wide with fear and she kept placing her hand on her chest as she felt her heart thudding against it.

“The hospital. My blood pressure…it’s really high, I…” Rachel reached out her hand and leant on Tony’s chest as another wave of dizziness washed violently over her, forcing her to lose her balance.

“Woah it’s okay” Tony comforted as he wrapped his arms around her, running one hand through his hair. He was frantically worried and had no idea what to do. He wanted to call an ambulance but he couldn’t let her go and had no idea where the phone was. He tried to think back to when he’d been forced to take an emergency first aid course at work when he’d taken over the gym, but his mind was muddled and he couldn’t think straight. He clenched his fists as anger took over his body and tears of frustration stung his eyes. He felt so useless and he didn’t know what to do to help her.

“I think I’m going to faint” Rachel whispered weakly, her grip becoming looser on him as she gave in to the dizziness washing over her. Panic rose in Tony’s chest and he looked desperately around the room as if the answer would pop out at him. His eyes glanced over to their cabinet under the sink and he suddenly remembered Rachel’s box of medication was stored in there.

“Okay, come on we need to lie you down” Tony soothed, trying his best to remain calm so as not to panic her. He held her tightly in his arms and lowered her to the floor, pulling his cardigan from the back on the chair at the same time so he could wrap it around her to stop her from getting cold. Lying her head gently on his knees he leant over towards the cupboard and reached out as far as he could to pick up the basket, praying that what he was looking for would be in there. It was like a light bulb had switched on in his mind and he remembered how Rachel had been given some tablets to lower her blood pressure earlier in the pregnancy. It was a long shot and he wasn’t sure if he should be doing it but he couldn’t think of any other alternative. Breathing a sigh of relief as he found the ones he was looking for he gently placed her head on the floor before clambering to his feet and pouring water into a glass, grabbing a straw from the side.

“Rach I need you to take this” Tony instructed, kneeling to her side. “Rach” he called louder when she didn’t react, his heart thudding in his chest. She jumped and opened her eyes momentarily, shakily reaching her hand out the straw and taking the medication Tony was holding in his hands. “Good girl” he smiled, stroking hair away from her face as she closed her eyes once again and rested her hand on his. “Rach I need to call an ambulance” he started…

“No don’t leave me” she whispered, squeezing his hand.

“I’ll be right back I promise” he tearily vowed, kissing the top of her head. Seeing her so ill frightened him to the core and as each minute passed he was terrified that he was wasting time when he should be doing something. But what that was he didn’t know, he couldn’t make his mind focus it was like a big jumbled mess of thoughts. Should he be letting her sleep or should he be forcing her to stay awake? Should he call an ambulance or ring the hospital direct? He ran his hand through his hair as he kept a watchful eye on Rachel and lifted the phone to his hear. “I need an ambulance” he shakily pleaded, “now.”

Preview:

Tony learns the consequences of his actions

Rachel takes a turn for the worst

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Wowiee thank you so much as always Carina, Red Ranger, callyha, Laura and Kirsty. Your responses are as always much appreciated and keep me going!

Tony sat impatiently in a rigid chair in the corridor of the hospital, his head firmly in his hands as he shook his leg in order to distract him from the terrifying thoughts running through his mind. He couldn’t get the images of Rachel lying helplessly on the floor out of his mind, it was like they were haunting him every time he so much as blinked. She’d been rushed straight up to maternity as soon as they’d arrived and a barrage of doctors had met them at the entrance, something which filled Tony with worry. Now that he’d had time to sit and think about what had happened he was trying to figure out why Rachel hadn’t told him she needed to go back to the hospital; she’d never said that she had high blood pressure but then Tony hadn’t even asked how the appointment had gone. I was too wrapped up in myself Tony muttered bitterly as he stood swiftly to his feet and began pacing the floor, needing a new distraction. He breathed heavily, his heart racing even faster with each second that passed; they’d been in there with her for what seemed like forever. He’d wanted to go in there with her, to hold her hand and tell her that everything was going to be okay but they wouldn’t let him, something which made him feel even more useless.

“Tony” Derek called down the corridor as he shut the door to Rachel’s room gently behind him, smiling reassuringly as Tony raced towards him; a concerned frown evident on his face.

“Is she okay, what, what’s taken so long” Tony rambled, wringing his hands together as he hurried him to answer.

“Rachel’s obstetrician is still in there with her, we’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on…”

“And have you? Do you know?” Tony interrupted, his voice high pitched.

“Tony, just try and stay calm okay” Derek reassured, “her blood pressure is still higher than we’d like so we’re working on trying to get it down but it has come down from what is was when she first got here. We’ve sent bloods off so once they’re back we will know more, I’m just going to call Pathology now.”

“Okay thank you” Tony sighed, “and I’m sorry I’m just worried.”

“Don’t apologise I understand, we’re all worried about her but she’s in good hands” Derek smiled. “Oh and Tony is it right that you gave Rachel some Labetalol at home?”

“Some what?” Tony questioned, not understanding the medical terminology the good doctor was spinning off.

“Sorry the blood pressure tablets” Derek chuckled, forgetting whose company he was in.

“Oh right, yer I did. Was it wrong then? I wasn’t sure if I should…” Tony rambled further, his heart racing.

“No it wasn’t wrong” Derek smiled, “let’s just say you might have saved her life. It’s a good thing you were there.” Tony smiled as Derek patted him on the back and headed down the corridor, before he ran his fingers through his hair and tried to calm himself down before going in to see Rachel. He didn’t want her to see what a nervous wreck he was, she didn’t need it. He had to be strong, even if he was crumbling inside.

********************

“Hey there” Rachel greeted weakly; a smile appearing immediately on her face as Tony opened the door and entered the room.

“Hey” he answered hesitantly, wincing as he watched a doctor thrusting a needle through her fragile hand. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay” she nodded; placing her hand in his; “Derek told me that somebody saved my life.” Rachel beamed as Tony’s cheeks blushed.

“It was nothing” Tony waved off, stuttering with embarrassment as he perched himself on the edge of her bed and kissed her hand gently. “Can I get you anything?”

“Tony don’t change the subject” Rachel lectured wheezily, “you saved my life” she reiterated. “And our baby’s. See you can look after us.”

Tony hesitated. “It doesn’t change anything…”

“Of course it does. You knew what to do to look after us, it just proves that you’re not as incapable as you thought you were. Nothing can hold my man back” Rachel giggled as Tony’s face broke into a smile.

“Thank you, I guess I did do a pretty good job” he joked, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

“You should become a doctor” Rachel teased, “you’d look amazing in scrubs.”

“Oh I think I’ll leave the blood and guts to you” he protested, gagging at the thought of routing around inside people’s bodies; he never understood what Rachel saw in it.

“How’s our little man doing?” he enquired, placing his hand gently on her bump before jumping as Rachel gasped and grabbed his wrist, pushing his arm away. “Woah you okay?”

“No that, it really hurt” Rachel breathed, trying to catch her breath. Tony’s face fell as he looked at the doctor standing next to her, desperate for her to have the answers.

“Rachel do you mind if I have a feel of your tummy?” the obstetrician enquired, a quizzical expression on her face that Tony was desperate to decode.

“No that’s okay” Rachel tentatively replied, frightened that it would cause the same reaction. She grabbed Tony’s hand and squeezed it tightly, biting down on her lip as pain shot through her body.

“I’m sorry” the obstetrician apologised, “does it feel okay otherwise?”

“Erm” Rachel hesitated, wiping a tear from the side of her eye. “It feels a little bit tight and my back really hurts on this side.”

“I think you might be having some contractions…”

“You mean the baby’s coming?” Tony gasped excitedly, smiling down at Rachel whilst rubbing her arm encouragingly.

“No that’s not good” Rachel fretted; “it’s too early, he’s not ready. His lungs wont be properly developed…” Tony’s face fell.

“Let’s just take things one step at a time okay?” the doctor suggested. “I’m going to monitor the baby in the meantime if that’s okay, just make sure he’s happy.”

Rachel gulped and looked up worryingly at Tony who tried his best to reassure her as the doctor attached the monitor to Rachel’s stomach.

“Try not to worry okay” Tony whispered, stroking her face gently. Rachel nodded and turned her attention to the screen of the monitor; smiling as she saw her baby’s heart rate appear. The healthy sound of their son’s enthusiastic heartbeat filled the room and Rachel’s fears began to be alleviated until it suddenly dropped. Rachel’s own heart rate began to speed up and her hand flew to her mouth, hearing his heart beat so slowly made her feel sick.

“Tony there’s something wrong” Rachel shrieked, grabbing his hand and instinctively touching her stomach despite the pain it made radiate around her body.

“Rachel we need to get the baby out now okay, he’s not coping with the contractions. I think the placenta could be coming away from the side of the uterus and that’s what’s causing all this pain. I need you to consent…”

“Yes that’s fine, just get him out safely please” Rachel stuttered, her voice and hands shaking as she looked desperately at her fiancée.

“It’s, it’s going to be okay” Tony promised but try as he might he couldn’t wipe the fear off of his face. He didn’t understand what the doctor was saying; it was a language indecipherable to him and he was terrified; having to stand back helplessly as a team of other doctors rushed into the room and began wheeling Rachel’s bed down the corridor. He tried to hold onto Rachel’s hand but Julie pulled him away before he could even say goodbye.

“I’ll show you where to get changed” she comforted.

“You mean I can be there?” Tony gasped, “Julie what’s going on?”

“There’s no time to explain” she soothed. “Just get changed as quickly as you can okay? They’ll look after her. She’ll be okay, they both will.”

Preview: Rachel and Tony welcome their child into the world but things aren't what they expect.

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Firstly thank you sooo much to my lovely dedicated, regular reviewers. Your comments all mean so much to me and I'm so grateful to take the time to sit, read and actually comment on what you like/don't like. It's such an encouragement so thank you Red Ranger, Carina, Laura and Kirsty. Also a special thank you to Barbara; wow that must have taken you ages to review and I am really and truly grateful for the effort. To answer your questions; I work in maternity so in that respect I was able to use my own knowledge but I have had to do a bit more research on the other aspects so I'm pleased it came across realistically. And I didn't even think about including Ruby to be honest; I probably should have done. I think because I focused on having Jack, Lucas, Mattie, Belle etc in this fic my mind was on the old H&A cast so I forgot she existed As a way of thanking you for your huge update I've included a little J&M scene in the chapter after this that I hope you'll like. For all of you I've also written a few chapters in advance so hopefully can update a bit quicker; sorry to keep you waiting so long Sorry if it's a little mushy

Tony had never dressed so fast in his life; he was so afraid of missing the birth and desperate to be with Rachel that he pulled on the closest scrubs he could find; despite them being two sizes too small. After hurriedly slipping into a pair of white rubber shoes he raced out of the door and gasped for breath as he reached the door to the operating theatre. He could hear clanging and raised voices and a constant beeping sound repeating itself over and over; he was almost too afraid to open the door out of fear of what he might see.

“Tony” Rachel sobbed as she caught sight of him, standing bewildered by the door. Tears were trickling constantly down her face and try as she might she couldn’t block out the frighteningly laboured sound of her son’s heartbeat echoing around the theatre.

“It’s okay; I’m here now” Tony soothed as he paced towards her, careful to avoid bumping into the mass of doctors in long blue coats and face masks that were rushing around her with determined expressions. He’d never seen Rachel look so frightened; her complexion was deathly pale and her eyes had lost their spark. She was looking at him with an intensity that took his breath away and all comforting words that he knew he should be saying had disappeared from his vocabulary. Instead he took her hand in his and kissed her forehead gently before sitting in the chair next to her and comfortingly stroking her hair; keeping his attention away from the blue screen in front of her. He looked upwards for a change of scenery but the reflection of sharp metal instruments and blood stained sheets from where they were cutting her open flashed back at him in the light and he quickly looked away again.

“I’m scared we’re going to lose him” Rachel admitted; muttering it under her breath so that only Tony could hear. “It’s all my fault I should have stayed in when they told me to” she berated; “I was jut being too stubborn and now look what’s happened. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.”

“Rach please don’t blame yourself” Tony begged, stroking his thumb along her eyebrows. “He’s going to come out of this okay; he’s a fighter.”

“Like his Daddy” Rachel smiled nervously, wincing as the pulling sensation in her stomach reached an intensity.

“Are you in pain?” Tony whispered, his heart breaking at how things had changed so suddenly.

Rachel shook her head whilst keeping her eyes firmly shut. “It just feels like there’s a washing machine in my tummy. It won’t be long now.”

The news made Tony’s breath catch in his throat and he felt the tension build as he waited anxiously for the sound of his son’s cries. He remembered what that felt like when Lucas had been born; it was the most beautiful sound that reassured him his little boy was okay. “Do you think he’ll have hair?” Tony wondered out loud; desperate to distract himself. The clock situated on the wall opposite him was ticking so slowly he could have sworn it was going backwards and he held his breath with every second that passed. He looked down at Rachel wondering why she wasn’t responding. She was crying. All Tony could do was squeeze her hand tighter and pray their son would be okay.

A gurgling sound suddenly broke the silence which had formed between Tony and Rachel and they both looked instantly at each other; hopeful expressions on their face.

“Here’s your baby” they heard a voice cheer and they looked forward as their child was held above the blue screen restricting their view. Rachel burst into tears as she tried to take in every feature; silently examining him to make sure he was perfectly formed and healthy. He was wriggling in the doctor’s hands and she desperately wanted to reach forward and hold him close to her, to breathe in his newborn baby smell and kiss his tiny fingers. She traced down his body noticing five perfect fingers on each hand; everything seemed exactly how she expected until she noticed something that shouldn’t be there.

“Rach” Tony spluttered; overwhelmed as he managed to find his voice. “Look at our son, that’s our little boy” he beamed, wiping tears away in an effort to protect his masculinity.

“That’s not a boy” Rachel gasped. “Tony we’ve got a daughter” she shrieked, stroking his face with the palm of his hand. His eyes widened with shock and he desperately rubbed them incase he was seeing things; but he wasn’t. Rachel was right.

“I’ve got a little girl” Tony sobbed; “Rach, you’re amazing; thank you so much” he gushed, kissing her cheek and standing up to take a closer look at his baby daughter. But as soon as he had they moved her behind the curtain and Rachel heard the sounds of more voices rushing into the theatre; urgency in their footsteps.

“Tony what’s going on; where have they taken her” she panicked, feeling frustrated that she couldn’t see a thing. All these emotions were flooding around her body and more than anything she just wanted to hold her child and make sure it was all really happening.

“I don’t, I don’t know” Tony stuttered; his face falling as he witnessed three strangers rush in and take his newborn child away.

“Rachel; your baby’s having a little trouble with her breathing. They’re going to take her to the neonatal intensive unit and give her a little help” the doctor explained calmly, but it wasn’t enough to relax her fears. Just when everything had seemed perfect and the worst appeared to be over, her life had come crashing down again.

“Tony” Rachel shrieked, looking wildly around for him.

“It’s okay I’m here” he soothed, taking her hand once again. He hadn’t wanted her to see him crying. “She’ll be okay” he promised; “I know she will. She’s our little girl.”

Preview:

Rachel goes against medical advice in a bid to see her daughter.

Jack and Martha discuss his feelings over Angelo