This Time (by Eli) - comments

[Jen]

So, I may have done a running commentary of all my thoughts while reading this, and it is fairly long. So brace yourself for flailing and emotions below.

She found the letters; the letters I never found the courage to send. Maybe it was for the best that I never did, they were all full of something too big and complicated.

Argh! Already, what are you doing to me? “Too big and complicated” makes it seem like there is something he’s trying to deny, or at least hide. Not only from himself, but from her [Tasha] too. As if, by sending the letters he would be admitting to something, and making it real.

...and the story will repeat itself. Just like the last time, and the time before that.

Aww, Robbie. What have you done? My heart breaks just a little. Robbie never really liked confrontation and really did strike me as someone who would run, thinking it would give him the time he needed to sort himself out, but really, it was just delaying the inevitable. Which might have a lot to do with how he was raised - always being told that he wasn’t good enough - he’s just kind of come to accept that. But he shouldn’t.

Even in the four months since I last saw her, I know Ella must have changed. I’m not there to see that, and I wish I could be. But it’s probably for the best, they can manage without me.

Hear that noise? That’s the sound of my heart completely shattering. How is it that I’m not even halfway through reading this, and I’m already falling to pieces. Robbbbbbiiiiiiieeee. I feel so incredibly sorry for him. Going back to what I was saying before, Robbie always thought he wasn’t good enough - so it is so good that you have tapped into that insecurity, of thinking that Tasha and Ella would be better off without him. Robbie would be the best dad ever, even if Ella isn’t biologically his. *sadface*

Like the last time, and the time before that, I realize I need to attempt to make a serious change. A wake-up-call that will soon mean nothing; when I crawl back into my deep, dark hole of thoughts, regrets and could-have-beens.

The helplessness, the uselessness, the spiral that never seems to end. I can see it all, and Robbie is at the very bottom. Making a meaningless effort to try and get some of his old life back, even though he knows he’ll end up back here, in the same mess, in a few months.

I really liked the monotony you created in checking for news, facebook, emails. It seems like he’s done this before. And the fact that it appears no one cares enough to check up on him is so disheartening. But from your previous descriptions I get the feeling this has happened more times than Robbie cares to remember, so he’s probably not surprised no one cares. Which to me, makes it worse. I care, Robbie! I really do!

I’ve written it sixteen times, each on a different envelope; each containing a letter I never found the courage to send.

Gah! What? Seriously, my heart sped up at that line. The friending request, and the address, the willingness of Robbie to just accept this person, even at his lowest point - It’s all so good.

It has happened time after time, I’ve woken up in the middle of something that felt right, and very, very real.

And there were dreams! Oh boy, I have a feeling where this is going, and I’m secretly wanting to skip ahead to read to the end, but I won’t. I just want to read, and re-read that line. It felt right, yet for whatever reason, it seemed too good to be true. And I’m guessing it’s not Tasha.

Although the letters are gone, I’m here, and that’s all I can think about as I reach out and touch the letters that spell out the name on the mailbox.

Kim Hyde, the only person I’ve ever really loved and trusted completely.

Th-there’s going to be more, right? You seriously can not end it there. I - I won’t let you? Oh Eli, you had me hooked form the very beginning. I adore the way it was something as simple as letters that sent Robbie into this spiral, and ‘old-fashioned’ way of communication. And then using facebook and something more modern to bring him into the present, was so awesome. Like the past and the present catching up on him, and finally giving him permission to turn up on Kim’s doorstep and ... and ... I don’t know! Like I said, you can’t end it there. I need to know. Was there making out? Maybe? Maybe I’m going to pretend there was.

I adore your writing, Eli. And recently I went back and read your Geoff/Lucas stuff, and this had the same effect. So vivid and descriptive, that I really felt for Robbie and everything. And wanted it to work out. At the same time, the ambiguous ending, makes it seem a bit more real. Like, if it was a fairytale, it wouldn’t be as true to the character, or something. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say.

What I do know is, you’re amazing, and should definitely write more. Okay?

[Eli]

Thank you so much for that And I love long reviews!

I see after your review that I haven't succeeded completely though, and I'm already seeing things I would have written differently Basically my idea was that she had found the letters and because of it they split, which made Robbie feel like a failure. The essence of this was that despite not loving Tasha that way, he stayed with her because he still loved her and depended on her. I imagine Robbie to be the kind of person who doesn't walk out on somebody just because he realises he's made a mistake staying with them. I think he in his own way would have loved her enough to stay with her and be a great husband and father, and that he would have been willing to do that. So with his life centered around that he lost everything when Tasha found out.

I have to say though, this has not been a piece I've worked a lot on. I wrote it in one night, right after I suddenly got the idea. And I only got the idea because I was really pushing myself to write something. I wanted to write another Geoff/Lucas oneshot (another independent sequel to the others) but I sort of regret some of the things I've done to that pairing in the past two oneshots, so I'm finding it very hard to pick that one up again and give it a proper ending, which is what it needs. But I knew I just had to write SOMETHING and post it, just to get back into it, so I came up with this piece. Like I said I'm not 100% pleased with how it turned out, definitely not my best work, but I'm hoping that at least it will get my brain switched back on again so that I can find the inspiration to continue the ongoing series of oneshots I have. I have one version of a new sequel that I've already written most of, but I'm still not sure if I want to use it at all, and if I decide to, I think I need to make another one to post before this one. And I'm still not sure how I want it all to end, because like I said, I've done a few things I see now that I would have done differently

Anyway, looong post, sorry! But again, thanks for the review, I'm glad you like the fic