Four Funerals and a Wedding

[TelephotoMarigold]

Story Title: Four Funerals and a Wedding

Story description: Summer Bay was always an eventful place to live but many people didn't realise just how eventful....

Type of story: Short/Medium Fic

Main Characters: Alf and everyone in Summer Bay

BTTB rating: see official ratings guidance: G (For the moment)

Genre: Comedy, Thriller, Horror

Does story include spoilers: No

Is story being proof read: No

Any warnings: No Strong language (Yes!! but only when my computer Crashes and I lose a page!) or graphic content No!

Summary: The Summer Bay Killer is on the loose. Who will be their next target? Who is destined to die at their hands?

Part One:

“Hey babe!” Suave debonair Aden Jefferies called out to his Fiancée.

“Hey yourself stud muffin!” Belle replied.

“You need to scratch someone else off the wedding invite list.” He told her, his tone of voice sad.

“Oh no! “ she replied, walking down the stairs of the beach house. “Who?”

“Colleen I’m afraid.” He walked over to give her a hug.

Tears welled up in her eyes.

“There’s more isn’t there?” she asked noting that he seemed about to speak.

“Yes I’m afraid so. It was the whole bowling team. It was just a freak accident.”

“Not…” she paused. “Madge Wilkins too?” naming Colleen’s archrival.

“Yes.” Aden confirmed gravely. “It was a freak accident according to Alf. Their minibus ran off the pier. Alf was too far away to help, by the time he got there it was too late.”

“Poor Alf. Colleen was his sister after all.” Belle said crying.

“You wouldn’t have thought so the amount of times he threatened to kill her!” Aden said, “Still one good thing, Alf has offered me a job at the bait shop and on his boat.”

“Oh Aden that’s great.” Belle said immediately brightening up. “You are going to accept aren’t you?”

“I think so.” Aden said walking upstairs to their room, with Belle following. He sank down on to their bed and grimaced. “Mind you, I was a bit dubious about it.”

“Why?” Belle asked.

“Because Alf said it could be murder working for him.”

“Silly, that’s just a turn of phrase.” Belle said. “And we all know Alf don’t we? He’s a softie!”

Aden walked into the ensuite shower room and stripped off his clothes. Belle picked them up and stuffed them in the clothes hamper.

“I’ll have dinner waiting when you come out and then we need to talk about wedding invites.” She said and left him to his shower.

*****

Alf walked around the bait shop closing up for the day.

“Hey Granddad!” Martha called out walking in through the still open door.

“Hello.” He answered from somewhere out back. “I suppose you know about Colleen.”

“I do Granddad, it’s so sad.” Martha gave a winsome little smile. “Are you ok?” she asked him.

A glint of something shiny caught her eye and she bent down to pick it up.

“I’m doing ok. I was thinking of going to visit Duncan.” He murmured. “It’s times like this that you think about your family.” He continued and walked out to meet her in the front of the shop.

He saw her looking at something in her hand.

“What have you got there?” he asked.

“It’s a earring.” She said. “I wonder whom it belongs to?” she asked.

“Leave it on the top and I’ll sort it out tomorrow.” He told her. “Now I don’t know about you but I need a drink.”

He steered her out of the shop and looked up.

She thought she heard something as he pulled down the shutters but must have just imagined it, she thought. Then, people really were being careless these days there was a high-heeled shoe in the back of his truck and it looked like one of Nicole’s.

*****

Irene sat at the bar in Noahs nursing a double orange juice. It was her third in a row. She suddenly downed the juice and ordered another from the cute bartender.

“Irene,” Tony said. ”Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

“I said give me another Orange Juice and make it a double!” she hissed.

He poured the juice shaking his head.

“You’ll have a headache in the morning.” He warned.

She waved him away and sipped the fruit juice slowly.

“Have you noticed how many little accidents seem to be happening these days?” she said to him, only slightly slurring her words.

“Yeah.” He said. “it does seem that things seem to happen in threes.”

He thought about his son for a second and about the man who killed him. His rage spiralled up out of control and then he took a calming breath and let it out. There all better he thought and looked down to see that he’d ripped another bar towel into bits. Oh well, he thought.

He looked up to see Alf and Martha walk in. After a moment Martha excused herself and went home. Alf sat next to Irene at the bar.

“Give me a beer, mate.” He said with a sigh.

“Sure thing Alf.” Tony opened a bottle and handed it to Alf.

Irene finished her juice.

“I want another!” she ordered, only it sounded like ‘Isnant mother.’

“Flaming Nora!” Alf exclaimed. “How many has she had?” he asked Tony.

“Four and they were all doubles. I tried to tell her.” Tony told him.

“I better take her home.” Alf murmured.

“Killers. There are killers in the bay!” Irene said loudly. “It’s no shark.”

“Come on!” Alf said, dragging the other woman out of there.

He put her in the back of his ute and took a look around, seeing that there was no one watching he took a bottle of something out of his pocket and an old cloth. He soaked the cloth and placed it over her mouth. She struggled for a brief time and then fell unconscious.

“Strike me blind!” he said driving back to the bait shop. “A mans work is never done.”

[TelephotoMarigold]

Angelo walked into the Gym to see Tony lifting weights. He couldn’t believe just how buffed the other man looked and he kept wanting and suggesting that they spend time alone together. It was a shame that after Tony suggested a secluded picnic at the lookout up on the cliffs that work stopped him from attending. He removed his cap and fluffed up his hair and then straightened the “SupaCop” badge that the girls at the station had made for him.

“Hello Tony.” He called.

“Hey Angelo!” Tony called trying to rearrange the grimace on his face into a smile, stopping his weightlifting for a bit and sitting up on the bench.

“Looking good!” Angelo said. He leaned forward and put his hand on Tony’s biceps.

“You must be power lifting!” Angelo surmised, trying to sound macho.

“You could do with a session!” Tony said standing up and reaching for a towel.

“Not half!” Angelo said lost in thought for a moment. “Let me!” he said getting the towel down and handing it to Tony, again managing to stroke his biceps.

“Is there any reason you called in? Do you want to rearrange our date?” Tony asked.

“I wanted to ask about Irene Roberts.” Angelo said.

Tony stood silent, waiting for the next bit. Sure, Irene was a bit older than Angelo was but if the other man wanted to ask her out he didn’t see a problem.

“I’m afraid she was found dead on the beach this morning and you were the last one to see her alive!” Angelo informed him.

“God!” Tony said gasping.

“Do you need to sit down?” Angelo asked. “Perhaps we should go to the comfy sofa in the bar?”

Tony nodded at the suggestion and Angelo took hold of the other mans arm and led him through to the other room. They sat together on the sofa and Angelo kept his hand on Tony’s knee.

“Now I know this must be difficult for you but can you tell me about when you last saw her.” Angelo said stroking the man’s knee. His leg was really muscled.

“Its ok, I wasn’t the last person to see her. Alf said he was going to take her home.” Tony said.

“Oh ok. “ Angelo said. I’ll go and talk to him. “ He was disappointed that he couldn’t spend more time with the man, he thought and stood up. He placed his cap on his head.

“Angelo.” Tony called. “We’ll have to rearrange our picnic.” He said.

“Sure no problem. I’ll call you.” Angelo said, brightening.

“Ok.” Tony said a fixed smile on his face. He waited until after the man left before going back into the gym and using the punch bag. He pounded it until if fell from the ceiling on to the floor.

Oh, he was working out his aggression, he thought, it’s just a matter of time before he would get to punch the real thing. He let out a loud evil sounding cackle.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Miles was holding Kirsty as she cried whilst Alf looked on. They were still sitting at the table where they had been when Angelo had come and told them the bad news about Irene, Alf looked at his watch, over three hours ago now and Kirsty still hadn’t stopped crying.

“Stewgh!” Alf exclaimed. “Give it a rest woman!”

Miles looked up in shock.

“I mean she wouldn’t want you to be upset.” He temporised covering his tracks.

Kirsty looked up and said.

“Irenewaslikeamothertomeand-sniff-I’mgoingtomisshersomuch!”

“Let me make you a nice cup of herbal tea.” Alf suggested. “Yes Miles, I know, you want a coffee!”

Alf walked over to the kitchen and put the kettle on. He started making the drinks when he overheard Miles say.

“It was so unusual that you wouldn’t see her inside her house Alf and she left her handbag in your ute.”

Alf looked up.

“When did you look in my ute?” he asked, trying to sound casual.

“This morning on my way to get a coffee at the diner. It looked like there was some kind of stain in the back too!” Miles said. “Perhaps it needs a wash?”

Miles turned his attention back to Kirsty. “There there!” he said.

“Ineedatissuemynoseisrunny!” she murmured, with a snucking sound.

Alf looked up at the ceiling and then down at the cups. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small brown glass bottle and smoothed his thumb over the skull and cross bones label on the side. When he pulled out the stopper a small wisp of smoke escaped. He poured a small amount in Kirsty’s cup and was about to do the same in Miles cup when Kirsty blew her nose loudly into a tissue. The sound was unexpected and he realised he had tipped the poison into his own cup.

“Dammit.” He muttered under his breath.

“Are you ok?” Miles said.

“Yeah fine!” Alf said, quickly adding poison to Miles coffee. I just remembered that I need to take something to the bait shop, its in my ute.” He improvised. “Or soon will be!” he said looking at them from the corner of his eye.

He took over their drinks and then tipped out his own in the sink.

“Thistastesfunny.” Kirsty said, sniffing.

“That’s because it’s herbal.” Alf said. “And I think I stirred yours with the same spoon in case yours tastes funny.” He said to Miles.

“I can drink anything!” Miles said draining his cup.

“Yes you can!” Alf agreed as he watched Miles slump in his chair.

“Whatshappening?” Kirsty said as she too started to slide down in her chair.

“Its all right.” he told them. He pulled out garbage bags from under the sink and put Miles body in one and Kirsty’s in another. He carried her out first. “And you used to wonder why I wanted the ultra super size bags.” He said to the Miles body as he carried him out to the Ute. He covered the bodies with a tarp and went back inside to clean the cups and check for anything he might have overlooked.

“Flamingo Nora!” he said when he noticed he’d left the poison bottle on the top. “I must be losing my touch!”

He climbed in the ute and headed to where he had his boat tied up. He was going to get rid of these bodies properly this time.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Martha walked into the bait shop not long after Alf had opened up.

“Granddad!” she called out, beginning to walk round to the back of the shop.

“Hello Luv!” he said coming out of the room at the back and closing the door behind him with a firm click.

“What brings you out today?” he continued.

“Well actually I looked at the calendar and it dawned on me that Hugo has been gone on his diving trip for a month now and he’s normally back after a couple of days. I know you said you'd spoken to him on the radio and he said he was going to be a bit longer but isn’t this a bit too long?” she asked suspiciously.

“Strike me blind!” Alf said. “Give the man some breathing space.” He muttered.

“Well don’t you think it is odd that all these people are disappearing?” she said to him beginning to tidy up behind the counter. She pulled out a box labelled ‘Lost and found’ and looked into it.

“People move.” Alf said absentmindedly, dusting a shelf with the cloth in his hand. He started to feel a bit dizzy and realised it was the same one he used with his chloroform.

Martha pulled out Irene’s handbag and Nicole’s shoe from the box.

“This is weird!” she said.

She continued to look into the box and found the other earring from last night. She looked at the pair in her hand.

“These are Ruby’s.” she said at last, turning them over in her hand. “I recognise them, but how did they get here Granddad?” she muttered. “Ruby and Xavier were both killed in the freak camping trip when the gas bottle exploded killing her and Annie and Xavier and Jai.”

He put the cloth away and sucked in some deep breaths.

“I have no idea. Perhaps Hugo found them and didn’t know they were hers?” he said trying to distract her.

She continued looking into the box and pulled out a gun.

“Granddad this is Jack’s.” she said excitedly. She pulled it put and started waving it about. “It disappeared the night he was killed.”

“Strike me blind! Give me that it’s loaded!” he said wrestling with the gun.

“How do you know that?” she asked, confused.

He held the gun steady and clicked the safety off.

“Because I loaded It.,” he said. “Now don’t scream there is a perfectly logical explanation."

Martha blinked and looked at him.

“You killed Jack!” she shouted.

“No, “ he said. “Well actually I did. But I was aiming at that SupaCop, Angelo. He was looking into my development site and I couldn’t allow that.”

“Your site granddad?” she asked stalling for time.

He sighed.

“Now you don’t think I’m going to fall for that old chestnut do you and spend time explaining everything while SupaCop turns up and rescues you.” He said. “If it makes you feel better I was going to kill you last.”

“Last?” she screeched.

He pulled out a clipboard and handed it to her.

“Things to do?” she said, reading the list out loud. “Kill Hugo on diving trip. Kill annoying teens on camping trip. Kill Colleen.”

The last was inked out and the words, ‘got the whole bowling team – bonus’ were there instead.

She looked down the list of names and at the bottom she saw her own.

“Granddad!” she said, a hint of reproof in her voice. “I’m your granddaughter.”

“I can always have more of them.” He said pulling the trigger.

Martha tried one more time to speak and formed the words. “Uggg…ow….” Before slumping to the ground.

Alf walked over to her and picked up the clipboard. He pulled out a pen and looked at the list. Within seconds he updated it crossing out Miles and Kirsty, Irene, and then Martha’s name. He placed the board on the side then picked it up again to strike out Nicole’s name before putting the clipboard back down.

“And they aren’t wrong when they say paperwork can be murder.” He muttered dragging the body into the back room.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Belle was sitting in her living room with a cold cup of tea in front of her. She had been thinking about Irene and how she had turned up dead. An Internet search had revealed an ‘Above Average Death Rate for Summer Bay’ especially when she’d typed those very words in the search box. She twirled a section of hair around her finger and absentmindedly chewed a nail. She’d rung Kirsty a number of times but she hadn’t answered, she imagined the other woman was as upset as she was and she wanted someone to eat cake with her as Aden was out working.

Suddenly her mobile rang. She didn’t recognise the number she thought as she answered.

“Hello!” she said.

“What’s your favourite scary movie?” she was asked.

“Ouh! I know this one. It’s ‘Friday the 13th’. Although in the first film it was actually his mother who was the killer. No wait…” she paused. “A Nightmare on Elm Street was pretty good.” She sighed. “ ‘Psycho’ was pretty good too but the remake kinda sucked, you know what I mean. And do you class Sci fi as horror because ‘Alien’ was sort of horror and don’t forget ‘Dracula’. I mean the whole series of remakes culminating in the essential ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’ which was pastiched in ‘Dead and loving it’ which was kinda fun but like a comedy! And there was ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’, which was ok, and I really liked the whole ‘Halloween’ series. In fact I liked ‘Halloween’ better that I did ‘Scream’, hey this sounds a bit like that but I don’t know if I have a favourite scary movie really.”

She paused and took a breath. “Why?”

“Well my response was going to be so I know which way to kill you but I’ve kinda lost interest now and you’ve used up my free minutes. So I’m just going to kill you with my knife.”

“Alf is that you?” she asked confused. “Are you pranking me?”

“No,” he said from behind her, after creeping into the house while they were talking. “I’m stabbing you!”

He lifted up the hockey mask he was wearing so that he could see better and brought the knife down in a graceful arc…..

[TelephotoMarigold]

Angelo had received a text message telling him to go to the lookout there was a surprise waiting for him although he didn’t recognise the number he was pretty sure it was from Tony. With his heart beating a rapid tattoo in his chest he rode up there on his Harley Davidson motorbike (Complete with training Wheels) and sat on the bench waiting for his surprise. He fiddled with his ‘SupaCop’ badge even though he was officially off duty he still liked to wear it.

He checked his phone again and looked in surprise to see that he had received another text message. He read it silently but his lips moving as he framed the words.

“Walk to the edge?” He questioned.

Maybe there was a really good view he thought and Tony wanted him to check it out.

His phone beeped again and he read the message aloud.

“Now take another step and [some missing text] and learn how to fly.” He read.

Alf tutted and put his phone away. Some things you just had to do personally.

He raised the chainsaw high above his head and pulled the string setting it on.

“Some missing text?” Angelo questioned. “What sort of message is that?” He muttered looking down. He saw something shiny and bended to take a closer look, missing the view of Alf coming for him wearing dungarees a hockey mask and holding a large chainsaw.

“Ouh!” He exclaimed. “ A lucky penny!” he finished bending down and picking it up. He wiped it on his jeans and put it in his pocket, turning and looking again at the view.

Alf lowered the chainsaw and stopped taking some deep breaths. He would have to give up the hockey mask he thought, it was distracting him not to mention difficult to breathe through. He wondered about the black robe and mask as worn in Scream but realised that it had been sent up in the Scary Movie films and would not be as effective. Dragging his attention back to the murder in hand he took another step forward.

“Alf is that you?” SupaCop said finally noticing him. “Here you look a bit flushed let me take that chainsaw for you.“

Alf looked down at his now empty hands and wondered what had just happened.

“What were you planning to cut up at this time of night?” SupaCop asked. “Maybe I can help you?”

Alf laughed.

“Well actually,” he said. “I was planning to cut up you!”

Angelo laughed for a moment before realising that Alf was serious. He took a step backwards trying to turn the chainsaw off and not realising how close he was to the edge he stumbled and started to slide backwards. He screamed like a girl as he fell over the edge of the cliff.

“Dammit!” Alf exclaimed. “That was my favourite chainsaw.”

[TelephotoMarigold]

“What’s the matter Bible boy?” Aden sneered. ”Are you nervous?”

Geoff looked over at the other man; he was dressed in Jeans and a T-shirt with Loud and proud logo on the sleeve in small letters.

“Only of when you tell Belle the wedding is off!” he replied.

Aden leaned over and kissed Geoff on the lips for the like the 50th time that night.

He sighed.

“I do keep trying,” he said. The whole problem started when he climbed into Belle’s room by mistake, he was aiming for Bible’s, he meant Geoff’s, room, and being completely drunk he hadn’t realised his mistake until he woke up. By then the damage was done. He kept suggesting that they double date with Geoff and Nic but Belle didn’t seem to get on with the other girl.

Geoff pushed him away as a car started coming up the road toward where they were parked.

“Relax Bible boy, she thinks I’m working!” Aden told him.

“It’s not that,” Geoff began, then “Hang on, how can she think you are off on a boat fishing at this time of night?”

Aden shrugged.

“I don’t know, but its like that time I said I was testing the strength of the tree outside of the beach house when I was really climbing out of your room. She bought that excuse!”

Geoff chuckled, then sobered as the other car pulled up alongside them and Tony climbed out.

“Oh great,” Geoff muttered, “Busted!”

“Play it cool.” Aden instructed.

“What brings you two out tonight?” Tony asked.

“We thought we’d come and talk some guy stuff about the wedding.” Aden lied..

“Well have you seen Angelo about somewhere?” Tony asked.

“No we haven’t. I did hear something earlier but I’m sure it wasn’t Angelo.” Geoff said trying not to look guilty.

“That Girlie scream?” Aden asked.

“A Girlie scream?” Tony confirmed. “Yeah that would be Angelo.”

“I think it came from over in the bushes.” Aden said.

“Well he’s probably on a date or something I won’t disturb him.”

“Why were you looking for him?” Geoff asked suddenly curious.

“Oh no real reason.” Tony denied. He flexed his fingers and in the light from the car Geoff and Aden read the new tattoos on Tony’s fingers. One said ‘Hate” and the other said “Hate’ too. Aden laughed thinking this was funny.

“Just something I wanted to give him.” Tony said. “Well goodnight boys, don’t stay out too late tonight there’s some mysterious things going on.” And with that Tony climbed back into his car and set off.

“See!” Aden said. “No need to feel panic everything’s cool.” He lent over to kiss Geoff again but instead found Geoff’s attention on something else.

“W…what was that?” Geoff muttered nervously.

“Nothing just Angelo in the bushes or a small animal. Now come here gorgeous.” Aden pulled Geoff into his arms for a passionate kiss.

Alf looked on.

“Strike me blind!” he gasped. “And I think I might even mean that! Yuk!” not that he really had anything against same sex relationships.

He cursed Angelo for stealing his Chainsaw but was thankful he still had his axe with him tonight. Maybe he could make it three in a row.

He crept up to the car and let down the back two wheels. Then he got a long tree branch that had fallen nearby and made little scratching noises against the car door.

“No stop!” Geoff pushed Aden away. “I don’t feel comfortable and I think there is someone outside I keep hearing noises.”

“Relax Bible boy you’re just feeling guilty. Just lie here and I’ll go check it out.” Aden said pushing his hand through his hair. “Don’t worry I’ll be right back!” he patted Geoff on his shoulder.

“Don’t say that!” Geoff exclaimed, his voice rising in panic. “That’s what they always say in horror movies and they never come back.!”

“Relax!” Aden told him. “Who could possibly want to hurt this pretty face?” he asked with a grin.

Aden climbed out of the car and walked slowly around it.

“Hey!” he called out. “You know when we thought the earth was moving well it was just the back tire going down.” He laughed and then walked around the other side.

“That’s odd.” He muttered, seeing the other tyre deflated.

“What is?” Geoff asked.

“Unck!” Aden replied.

“What was that supposed to mean? If you think I’m going to pretend to be scared so you can ‘comfort me’ you have another think coming. “ Geoff muttered crossly climbing out of the car. He made it five steps before he tripped over Aden’s body.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” he screamed. He tried to stand up but his ankle was twisted.

He dragged himself away from Aden’s body before he felt the swing of the axe.

“Don’t make me chase you.” He heard the killer say. “I’ve had a very tiring day.”

“Oh my god! Alf is that you?” Geoff said rolling on his back and looking up.

“I’m getting a bit fed up of everyone’s surprise. Yes it is me and I’m a serial killer.” Alf said testily.

“But your Alf!” Geoff said shocked.

“And?” Alf said.

“Well you are the stalwart of the town. That’s why.”

"Look everyone is entitled to rebel every now and then,if you’ve finished do you mind if I kill you a lot please.” He said finally, raising the axe.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Alf walked into the Surf bar and ordered a beer. He sat drinking the ice-cold liquid when Tony walked up to him and sat down.

“Alf something very strange is going on!” the other man said.

“Flaming Nora!” Alf exclaimed. “What now?” he asked realising he had nearly giving himself away.

“Well have you noticed how people are disappearing? And all the accidents that are going on.” Tony said.

Alf looked at hiom for a moment before saying carefully.

“Now that you mention it.”

Tony continued. “I think it is Angelo.”

Alf muttered something under his breath about stupidity then took a moment to think about it. Hey, SupaCop would be found with his Chainsaw after all.

“Strike me blind are you sure?” he asked.

“He’s a killer, Alf!” Tony exclaimed.

“You could be right.” Alf took a long drink of his beer. “You should know that I’m going to be leaving in a few days.” He concluded formulating his plan.

“Visiting Duncan?” Tony asked and Alf slowly nodded. “Have you told Martha?” he said. “You know come to think of it I haven’t seen Martha for a while.” Tony looked concerned.

“No you won’t!” Alf told him, then added, “She’s at the farm. You know how she likes to be with her crops!” he said with a knowing look. He’d buried her under the tomato plants just that morning!

“Well I probably won’t see you any time soon then. Have a good time won’t you?” Tony said to him.

Alf muttered his goodbye and stood up and walked out with Tony. He suddenly found that he needed his rest it had been a tiring day and he would have a lot of driving tomorrow. He could always come back and finish the job when the heat had died down.

[TelephotoMarigold]

The camper van pulled into Ramsey Street and Alf wearily climber out of the drivers side. Karl and Susan Kennedy, who greeted him with a smile and asked him over for a cup of tea, approached him first.

“Sure thing!” he replied.

“Where are you from?” Karl was asking.

“A place called Summer Bay. It was murder living there, absolute murder. I felt the need to move on.” Alf replied with a smile.

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