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Regrets (We All Have Them, Some More Than Others)

Guest suzannelgnz

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Story Title: Regrets (we all have them, some more than others)

Type of story: short/long fic (undecided)

Main Characters: Rachel (mentions Tony, Leah, Gina, Hugo, Kim, Hugh, Xavier, Jack, Lucas, Matilda)

BTTB rating: G/A

Genre: General.

Does story include spoilers: Yes

Any warnings:Will have some more mature scenes later

Summary: Based around Rachel’s life in Summer Bay, as a 40 year old looking back on her time so far in Summer Bay. Just like everyone else she knows, she has regrets about what has happened but they are starting to become too much.


Rachel Armstrong- Holden was still as happy as she was when she had her first date with her ever so lovely and caring Husband Tony, Although it took 2 kidnappings, a Non wedding, Bridget, the death of Tonys’ first born, Jack and Joe the child Rachel and Kim almost adopted, and the one thing that could have torn them apart because it was just so special for Rachel, being able to have a child of her own. However she was always going to be thankful for her family and friends who were always there in one way or another because with the support and guidance that she received from them, she was able to move forward eventually even if it meant talking 2 steps forward and one back first. Rachel’s best friend from high school was always there for her, whether it be visiting her at home or work because she hadn’t seen her for a few days or Rachel popping into the diner for a Coffee, Leah was always there for Rachel just like Rachel was for Leah.After her first and only child was born, Rachel had an even bigger zest for life. She always wanted the best for Tony, Olivia, and Herself, even if sacrifices had to be made so that Olivia had the best start in life. She still had that same caring side that everyone knew about, it was just seen as much because all of her time outside of work was spent with Tony and Olivia. Rachel had seen many people come and go out of her life whilst in the Bay, but she would have it no other way because she had finally found somewhere that continue to give her that warm fuzzy feeling just like when she arrived, and had been in love with Kim. She’s had to deal with so much over these last 10 or so years, but it really didn’t matter to her because as we all know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately Rachel’s tunnel was a lot longer than usual and had lots of barriers and hurdles to contend with, such as Kim and Kit, Her Miscarriage, the Kidnappings, Only ever being able to have one child, the day to day moral issues that she dealt with as a part time RMO at Northern Districts Hospital and as a Mother and Wife.

I'm not 100% sure if i'm going to go right back to 2006 and do things year by year or event by event but i'm sure the feedback i'll get will help guide me :).

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Thanks for the feedback so far :) I'm not 100% sure I like this chapter but here goes

Chapter 1 – Age 28

Hooray! , I have just found my first job post med school in a sleepy little town about 2 hours from the city, called Summer Bay as a Psychiatric Registrar at Northern Districts Hospital. I have just gone down there for the first time today and I love the place, I just have to pack my life up here.

2 weeks later.... What a time to arrive! , it was pouring with rain during the whole drive down and my car has a leak by the driver’s window so by the time I was 1 hour out of the city, I had started to get annoyed with the constant dripping onto my lap. So I pulled over and rummaged through my car for a Jacket so that I could stay somewhat drier since I have no time to myself today. Not even 5 minutes to sit down at the wonderful Leah’s house, but then as we all know “There’s no rest for the wicked”. I am so happy that she’s letting me stay at her place at the moment, it feels like I have a small burden lifted off of my shoulders because of her. Besides which, she phoned me the other day to say that she’s broken up with Dan and she’s now pregnant too, so she needs all the support she can get.

As I drove into the grounds of NDH for the first time, I really didn't know what to expect. I had heard about the weather warnings but not that there was a mini Cyclone about to hit the Bay. I also didn't expect to get such a disappointing welcome from the other staff, mind you I didn't expect to find a hypothermic and Comatose Kimberly Hyde by the main entrance. I hated the fact that I wasn't going to be doing what I wanted to do on the first day of my new job, and that I'd end up in ED doing exactly what my father pressured me into doing since I was at high school. My father and I never had a particularly good relationship, because of this and the whole idea of him wanting me to be a RMO and not a Psychiatrist brought it to the surface. I also never expected to be kidnapped in my first week here, by some money hungry psychopath because of Dan's gambling problem. However little did I know that I would eventually be kidnapped many more times. Luckily for me I didn't have to endure it again after I fell pregnant with my beautiful Daughter Olivia.

When I finally started my first proper shift as a Psychiatric registrar, I didn't expect to behave the way I did. However I felt that my feelings for Kim started to wreak havoc with my judgements, and instead of acting professionally with him I found myself unexpectedly all chatty and giggly. I knew deep down that I had to act in a professional manner so when I had to deal with him trying to serenade me by singing to me at Leah's, and sending me flowers. I tried so hard to suppress my feelings and stop treating him, but it wasn't working it actually made my feelings for him stronger. The way I was falling for him was eating away at me like a bug, and I just wanted it to go away- far away. However when I ended up fearing each day at work because of a certain doctor who was so infatuated with me so much it became a "sleep with me or I'll make your life a living hell relationship", I finally let my feelings get the better of me and went running to Kim. Unfortunately I soon realised that it was going to be the beginning of the end of my career as a psychiatrist, because it would be seen that I had breached a patient's trust in the eyes of the hospital board. Life was only going to get worse for me, as the one person I really did not want to see decided to rescue me from being struck off the register or probably being left unemployed.

I was not very happy when my father Dr Robert Armstrong, arrived in the bay as the head of the emergency department. He had seen my unfortunate situation as a way of crawling back into my life, but I wouldn't have a bar of it as I knew deep down that he had some form of secret he wanted to hide from the world by manipulating me. It didn't take very long until what he had confided in me came back to bite him in the bum, as he had actually had 2 things happen on the day in question which changed the lives of Myself, Mum, Dad, and my brother Brad. One of these events had extremely serious consequences for him; the other, affected Brad and I really badly as Mum’s head injuries were so bad that she and Dad were no longer able to live together.

I was on such a high when I was able to see Mum again, take her out on picnics with Kim and I. So when she suddenly died after the disaster at Jack and Martha's wedding followed by my good reasons/Bad judgement with the plane crash, my world started to crumble before me. Then things just continued to fall down around me leaving me trapped in a vicious cycle of Drinking and Popping pills, my behaviour was so clouded because of all that happened that I almost got charged for drink driving, I slapped Leah, I blew up at Brad when he came to support me, and then I blacked out after a bender and had my stomach pumped. When Kim was finally found, it made me realise that I wanted to be with him forever, so I was naturally overjoyed when our wedding day finally came around. Ok yes there was hurdles along the way, which were somewhat similar to the issues Tony and I had prior to tying the knot, but we worked though it as a couple and it somewhat made us stronger.

I also missed out on the chance of a lifetime because of what happened on that truly awful night back in 2006, I was genuinely excited to be able to travel there. I was particularly looking forward to being able to craft my skills, with some of the best physicians in America (and possibly the world). So to miss out on an opportunity like that still impacts me today, because there are still the questions that bug me still today like... what if I had gone, what if my relationship with Kim had broken down over there , Who would I have run to for support?, what did I miss out on?, among others.

Did all that happen make a difference?... when I look back it was almost like Kim was playing a game with my mind, because little did we both know that by the time I turned 29 he would have become a father for the first time and only time with another woman, and have run away to play happy families with her. The way that Kim behaved in those months leading up to our separation was so.... I just don't know how to describe it. I am still angry with myself though for helping us drift apart, I always saw my great mate Hugh as just that, a mate. So when he came to the bay I wanted it to stay that way, but it didn't. I stayed over one night after a fight with Kim, and he became a shoulder to cry on (or so I thought) because before I knew it, I was waking up with him. After that it became so awkward to be around him because deep down I felt the same intimate connection with him as I did with my now ex Husband. I then felt I had no choice but to let him go after he tried to give me an ultimatum, I felt so angry with myself after Kim left for the city with Kit and Archie because there were so many loose ends, and so many what if's? All of which continued to stay on my mind until I made an even bigger mistake.

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