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Dying To Be Alive

Guest jenlee

By Guest jenlee
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jenlee Member

jenlee

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Well, because I love that everyone's reaction (intrigue) is exactly what I was after, I may update tonight :P

Thanks for commenting everyone, I'm glad you all like it :) Cookies to you all

EDIT: It will be tomorrow after all as I've just realised the next chapter is a few hundres words too short and I need to go to bed :)

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jenlee Member

jenlee

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Thanks for all your comments, I hope you enjoy this part :D

PART TWO

7.54am

“So I asked her why exactly she wanted to break up with me and do you know what her answer was? She said she needed space. Can you believe that? Space! As if I was suffocating her or something!”

Belle didn’t reply. As she and Geoff walked the beach, making their way to the diner, his voice was basically going in one ear and out the other. A small part of her, deep deep down, felt really bad about it. She knew Geoff needed to talk, but she was unable to properly listen like she should have been. She wanted to be there for Geoff, help him through his break-up and listen to his woes but as they walked she found herself incapable of even trying. Maybe if she tried a little harder it would help take her mind off of her own problems.

Mentally she rolled her eyes. Fat chance.

“She’s obviously lying and I’m sure she’s keeping something from me.” Geoff continued. “Whether it’s they real reason she broke up with me or something else completely, she is defiantly hiding something. I can tell just by looking at her.”

Belle’s glazed over eyes stared out at the ocean as Geoff continued talking. The early morning sun was slowly being covered by dark thunderous clouds and, as cliché as it sounded, Belle thought they suited her mood a lot better. Dark, moody, depressing. On the verge of a storm. A downpour.

Belle considered that thought. A downpour literally sounded about right for where her mental state was going. She hadn’t cried in a long time. Dr. Wagner reckoned it was part of the reason she wasn’t getting better. She wasn’t allowing herself to grieve properly.

She did grieve of course. Just not in the way Dr. Wagner expected. She sulked, she brooded, she sat in depressing silences for hours on end. But she didn’t cry. And Dr. Wagner was a firm believer that one way to feel better about life’s miseries, was a good cry. Unfortunately for Dr. Wagner, after the breakdown she had had the last time she had cried, Belle didn’t think she had any tears left. She was fairly certain though, that when her tears returned, they would return with an intensity. One to cause her very own downpour.

She pushed that depressing thought out of her mind and gazed at the ocean and rolling clouds, listening to Geoff, his talk of Nicole and memories of what today was mixing together to make one very vivid memory. Normally she would try to push away any memory that tried to creep its way in, memories were not her friends, but today she just didn’t have the energy. Today would be full of memories.

Flashback - 19/02/09

Belle hadn’t even heard anyone arrive. Her mind had been too engrossed in what she was doing to hear a damn thing until it was too late. The door had unexpectedly been pushed open and someone had came barging in. She mentally cursed herself. She should have been more careful. She should have locked the door, all the doors.

She didn’t even try to hide what she was doing. The smart thing would have been to push her surprise visitor out before they managed to get a glimpse at what was going on but Belle didn’t do that. She didn’t even think to do that. She just stood rooted to the spot. Disbelief making her body rigid.

The surprise that Belle felt at seeing another person was also evident on her visitors face. That was followed by comprehension as they took in what Belle was doing and then surprise, again, as they properly registered the implications of Belle‘s actions.

Belle stared at Nicole in shock. This was not supposed to happen. The situation in general was not supposed to happen. The fact that it was happening in front of Nicole made it a million times worse. Of all people to be caught in front of: Nicole bloody Franklin. Geoff’s girlfriend. Aden’s housemate. Aden’s best friend. Aden’s bloody foster sister.

There was only one way this could get any worse.

“Oh my God.” Nicole exclaimed, breaking the silence between the two girls. A silence that Belle had been relishing in.

“Don’t say anything!” Belle all but shouted in her need to shut Nicole up. As far as she was concerned, if it wasn’t said, it wasn’t true.

“Belle-” If Nicole actually thought Belle was going to let her say anything she had another thing coming.

“Please Nicole.” Belle didn’t know what to do, what else to say. Nicole had seen something she was not supposed to see. Something no one was supposed to see. Something thing that, for now, no one was supposed to know about.

“I - I…how the hell did this happen?” Nicole asked sounding genuinely baffled.

Belle gave her a disbelieving look and a few seconds later Nicole almost blushed at the stupidity of her question.

“Does Aden know?” Screw freedom of speech, the girl needed to shut up. Now. Belle actually wanted to strangle her for talking. Literally strangle her. Instead she decided to insist upon the unthinkable of her. Insist upon her doing something that could possibly ruin the best friendship she had ever had. Even with her damn motor mouth, Belle didn’t want to put her in this position, but she had to. She had no other choice.

“No,” she said softly, “he doesn’t…and you can’t tell him.”

End flashback

“Belle?”

“What?” Belle snapped her head around to face Geoff who was looking at her with a concern written all over his face

“I said maybe you shouldn’t be coming into work today. I mean, you look terrible and you haven’t heard a word I’ve said. I’m sure Irene and Roman would understand considering-”

“I’m fine.” Belle cut Geoff off, not wanting him to finish what he was going to say. “Anyway, I could use the distraction and we both know Irene wont be understanding”

“Right.” Geoff nodded. “You know it’s only because she cares.”

Belle nodded. “I know. But like I said, I’m fine.”

“O.k.”

Belle knew that Geoff didn’t believe her but didn’t comment anymore. Instead she went back to her previous thoughts of helping Geoff out.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been listening.” She said softly.

“It’s o.k. I wasn’t really expecting you to, I needed to let off some steam and you needed a distraction.” Geoff said with an easy grin. “Even if my distraction tactics weren’t working.”

Belle tried for a smile but was sure it looked more like something between a grimace and a smirk. Smiling wasn’t something she did very often anymore.

“So, you think Nicole was lying about her reasons for breaking up with you?” Belle asked, glad that her mind had unconsciously taken in part of Geoff’s rant.

“Yeah I do. I mean, as independent as Nicole was, being alone is hardly her style.” Geoff paused and a thoughtful look crossed his face. “She hasn’t said anything to you about it has she?”

Belle fought the urge to cringe at the question. She wasn’t surprised to hear it, even if she and Geoff both already knew the answer. “Nicole and I are hardly what you would call friends anymore.”

Geoff nodded and stayed silent. They continued their slow walk to the diner, each lost in their own gloomy thoughts. Well, Belle was fairly certain Geoff had gone back to thinking about Nicole. She on the other hand was not really thinking about anything. No contemplative thoughts running through her mind. Just empty space filled with one smiling face.

“I know you probably don’t want to,” Geoff started cautiously, “but maybe we should do one of the exercises your therapist suggested for bad days.”

“I don’t think so.” Belle said reluctantly.

“I get that you don’t want to talk about things today but it might help. Just give it a try.” Geoff said and continued when Belle failed to object anymore. She wanted to object, she really did, but the maturity of Geoff’s voice kept her in a surprised silence. She quickly pushed her surprise away. Of course Geoff sounded mature, he was mature. He’d been forced to grow up a lot this last year and a half. “So,” he said in a matter of fact voice, “tell me all the bad things about today and we’ll see what we can fix to make the day better for you.”

Belle smirked. “You sound just like Dr. Wagner.”

Geoff grinned. “So, spill.”

Belle was silent a moment. She really didn’t want to talk about anything today but she knew Geoff was right, it may help. It helped a bit any other day that was particularly bad, maybe it would help today. She doubted it but she would give it a try.

“O.k. but I will be skipping the obvious. I really don’t want to talk about that.”

“O.k.” Geoff nodded and Belle silently thanked him for being so understanding.

“Right,” she began, “well while we’re on the subject of her; I miss Nicole. Not as much as you do, I’m sure. But for a while there she was the only girlfriend I had. We became really close for a while. And now I don’t have her. And I miss her.” Belle was surprised at her own admission. Perhaps it was Geoff’s talk of her that had made Belle realise just how much she too, missed Nicole.

“Unfortunately I have a similar problem so I cant help you out there.” Geoff said with half a laugh as they reached the diner. “What else?”

“Well I’m getting dizzy, the dries and the shakes from the increase of my meds. My anxiety is shot through the roof. I’m constantly snapping at Annie due to how irritable I’ve become, as you saw this morning. I’m hardly sleeping, finding it hard to concentrate and I’m always sad.”

Belle stopped to consider what she had said. “So all of that combined with my major problems that I don’t think I could discuss today even if I wanted to, my life cannot possibly get any worse.” She finished as they walked into the diner.

The place fell silent the moment she walked in and she immediately saw why. There, standing next to Nicole by the counter, tall tanned and looking no where near as broken as she felt ,was Aden.

Aden, who she had not seen in sixteen months one week and one day. Aden who she had been madly in love with. Aden who had left without a word, a note or any form of explanation.

Aden who had always been there for her. Aden who had looked after her when she was sick. Aden who had held her hand when she was in pain. Aden who had left when she had needed him the very most.

Aden who was standing in front of her, staring at her with that look in his eyes. The same look he’d had when he’d arrived at the diner after her first date with Angelo, wanting to apologise for calling her a skank. Wanting to tell her his deepest secret. The same look he’d given her almost everyday during their time apart after the situation with his father. The same look that caused her heart to tighten.

She felt her chest constrict. Felt as though her ribs were actually closing in on and digging into her heart. Her breathing became laboured, short shallow breaths that came out as gasps and her mouth began to water the way it always did before she threw up. She felt hot all over, even as she broke out in a cold sweat.

Her eyes had been drawn to his the moment she walked in and they continued to stare at one another as if connected by some kind of magnetic force. Belle staring at him in disbelief and him giving her that look. After what felt like an hour later but was probably only half a minute, Aden took a step towards her and Belle did the only thing she could think of. The only thing that made sense.

She ran.

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