And I'm Aching

[honeychild]

Story Title: And I'm Aching

Type of story: oneshot

Main Characters: Aden

BTTB rating: G

Genre: Angst

Does story include spoilers: No

Any warnings: nopes

Summary: Aden writes a letter to his grandfather.

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Aden had been at the clinic for about a week and his therapist just felt he wasnt getting deep enough, right to the source of all of Aden's pain and anger. They had discussed everyone from his father, to his brothers, Belle, Roman, his mother...but not that one man who was responsible for it all. His grandfather. But today he had decided that they would confront this issue head on.

'Hello Aden.' Dr McAllister smiled at him as he sat down opposite him.

'Whats up Doc?' Aden greeted him with his trademark cheeky grin.

'Today Aden, today is about your grandfather.' Dr McAllister let his words sink in and watched Aden's reactions to them.

'I...I'm not ready...I cant..talk about him..I...I...' Aden looked at him in distress.

'Relax Aden. I'm not going to make you talk about him right now. Instead, i want you to go away and write a letter.To your grandfather. I can see that he died leaving you with a lot of pain and anger, and questions and i want you to go and write this letter to him, putting in all you feelings towards him, anything you want. Can you do that?' he handed Aden some paper and a pen.

Aden stared at the blank piece of paper for a while before nodding mutely.

'Okay,' the Doctor smiled. 'Just bring it back to me when you're done.'

Aden silently left the room. He went back to his own room where he sat for about an hour in complete silence before he finally put the pen to the paper and began to write...

Dear Granddad,

Why? All i want to know is why you did it. Because...I just don't understand, I can't understand and for years i've tried to figure it out, thought of every explanation but nothing, nothing justifiably explains why you did it to us. To me. For years I thought it was just as you'd always told me, that it was my fault and I accepted that with the self loathing you manipulated and exploited but now i see that you were wrong. It wasn't me. This is all on you Granddad. You were meant to move in with us in order to take care of us and support us, but you did the exact opposite instead. Because you ruined us, me, Sean, Justin, even Dad. You took us and you destroyed us, destroyed the people we were, the people we could've been. You made me into someone I hated almost as much as I hated you. I was 9, Granddad, i was just a kid...and you stole every ounce of innocence from me. I have had to live with that every day since and every day the pain is still there and it never ever goes away. I've had to grow up seeing all the happy, carefree kids around me and know that I'd never be one of them, with their parents picking them up from the school gates and grandfathers cheering them on at the footy games. Instead I had to walk home alone from school to a house where horrific things happened because of you. There was no love in that house, just Dad getting drunk every night and you...

It makes me so so so so angry what you did. We could've gotten through it, we could've been a happy family if it wasn't for you. Dad might've given up the drink and been a proper father...Sean, Justin and I, we were close before you moved in. They were always there for me, looking after me when Dad couldn't and teaching me things like how to play footy or how to deal with bullies...but even they couldn't deal with a bully like you and what you did to all of us just pushed us all away from each other. None of us could handle it and now Dad's going to prison for killing a kid, Sean's in prison already and God knows where Justin is. You messed us all up pretty bad Granddad and I just wish you could see the destruction you left behind and feel guilty about it, just a bit. You know, i hope theres a heaven and a hell and that you're right at the bottom of hell. I hope its like all the Bible bashers say it is, all fire and endless pain. Maybe then you'll know what it feels like to be me, how i felt after your little nighttime visits. I spent all that time during the abuse wishing you were dead and that it was slow and painful and that you cried out for help, just like i did night after night, and that no one came for you, no one was there for you. But once you were dead, after i grew up and grew stronger and angrier and even more confused by what you did, i wanted you to be alive again, just so that i could make you pay for what you did. I wanted you to feel the same amount of pain as I did and for it to be me making you hurt. Because i thought that was the only way i could get over it and move on with my life. But that's not true....sure, i would've got satisfaction from hurting you...but it wouldn't take back what you did, it wouldn't relieve the endless ache in my heart. I understand that now. I still hate you though, just so you know. I've spent so long just lashing out at people and hurting them, thinking it will relieve my own pain but it doesnt. It just hurts me even more that i'm not who i want to be, i'm like this whole other person i can't control and when i think about you and what you did there's this monster inside of me who pushes me into doing things i dont really want to do. That monster is you. Because even though you're dead you're still in my life. You're always there, every waking hour of the day and you turn my dreams into nightmares night after night after night and im tired, i'm so, so tired. Why can't you let go of me? You're dead! Why are you still here in my life? Why can't you just leave me alone, leave me to have some sort of a life!! It's almost laughable that you've been dead for 7 years, 7 long years, and i'm still as terrified of you as when you were alive. I want it to stop, i want the memories and the pain to just go away but i cant switch my mind off, i cant control your presence in my nightmares. You know, some nights i just don't go to sleep at all to escape having to go through reliving what you did. It was bad enough going through it then, but again and again and you're not even alive! Yeah, i hope you're in hell.

You were no war hero, no matter how much you played the part to your old army buddies. We all knew the truth...i just wish i'd told someone sooner. Believe it or not the first person i told about what you did was a girl, Belle, and it was only this year that i managed to do it. I wouldn't have done it either, if it hadnt been for the fact that i would've lost her otherwise. Not that it matters anymore..its over between us because i kidnapped her and tried to kill dad because i found out you'd done the same to him too and i was so angry at him for not stopping you. The first and only girl i've ever loved and its taken me months just to open up to her slightly. Because you made me feel so disgusting, so worthless, so tainted by what you did to me that i havent let anyone close to me...it's been so lonely...pushing everyone away. I thought that no one would ever want me, i come with so much baggage...but she wanted me. She showed me how to love and to be loved....but once again because of you and all the **** you've left behind you she's gone...

I'm not going to let you and what you did rule my life anymore. I'm just not. I'm tired of having to deal with everything you left behind. I'm not a bad person, even though i've hurt so many people by trying to prove to myself that i'm not weak like you told me i was. I've got some great people around me now, people who love me and care for me and who think i'm worth something. I'm not worthless, I'm not disgusting, you are. I don't know why you did what you did, I don't think i'll ever be able to understand why. There is no excuse for what you did. But i'm letting go of you, of the pain you've inflicted on me. I'm not going to fight with a dead man. Because in the end i've won, not you. And i'm not going to let what you did rule my life anymore. It no longer matters why you did it. What matters is that i can move on and deal with my pain and anger. And i will. You don't matter. The people i love matter and i'm going to do my best to made sure they know it. You're dead and i'm alive. I still have the chance to change and become the person i was always meant to be. I still have the chance to be free.

Your Grandson,

Aden.

Aden watched tentatively as Dr McAllister read through the letter. Finally he looked up.

'Well Aden,' he said. 'How do you feel after writing that?'

Aden smiled slightly at him, 'Like i'm alive again.'

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ok, so i hope you liked this...i'm not sure about it myself, just an idea i was toying with...please tell me what you thought!!!!

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