To Say Goodbye (by Skykat) - comments

[I love music]

Tears were running unchecked down his cheeks, his eyes were cloudy and colourless, as if all light had gone from them. Those eyes didn’t belong to him, they weren’t how she remembered, they had no spirit, no life.

He sat before her, changed beyond recognition and the feeling of guilt burnt a hole in her...

Such a beautifully poignant scene between Sally and Alf, Kat.

She fixed her eyes instead on the cold marble of the gravestone where her husband and daughter lay. Every fibre of her being believed they were together and happy but she missed them still so bitterly, it was like a physical ache in her heart. Nobody should ever lose anybody but to love a beloved husband and then a precious only daughter.

Sinking to the ground Sally dug her hands onto the hard, sun dried earth, grasping desperately for something or someone to hold on to.

That really conveyed Sally’s grief for me.

“I’m so sorry I left the way I did, I should have stayed, I know that now but at the time, I just couldn’t bear it.” She let her breath go in short rasps.

“It wasn’t your fault but I blamed you. Can you ever forgive me?” She looked at him finally, pleading with him but still unable to meet his eyes. She hated the hurt she knew she’d see there and hated knowing that she had put it there.

“Oh Sal, if anyone should be saying sorry love, it’s me.” His voice was so familiar, a huge part of her past and all of a sudden she realised just how much she had missed him. “What I did… I’ve never forgiven myself.”

He hadn’t moved from his kneeling position but he shifted now uncomfortably, spreading his legs out from underneath him, his movements weary, like those of someone who simply didn’t have the energy to move faster. He let out a long shuddering breath but still stared steadfastly at the gravestone, refusing to look at her. Sally said nothing. It was his turn to talk.

I really liked the emotional conversation and the description of Alf.

the memories were like a non-stop slideshow before her eyes but they were good memories and it no longer hurt to see them.

I’m not too sure “a non-stop slide-show before her eyes” is a description that suits the occasion, it somehow gives an impression of action-packed holidays. This is a slow, sad scene and should be reflected in the writing eg Memories flooded through her heart, good memories it no longer hurt to recall

She blinked away the tears and wiped her face resolutely. She gulped in a breath of crisp, clear air, the smell of the Ocean infiltrating her senses, giving her strength. The sun’s warm rays were smiling down on her skin and she could almost feel Flynn’s love wrap like an envelope around her heart.

She finally turned to look at him and caught him watching her in an unguarded moment. His every emotion visible on his face and she could read him like a book, just as she always had.

He responded by pulling her more firmly into his arms, the two of them locked together in their united grief. After so many years of bitterness and pent up anger, they were both finally starting to come to terms with what they had lost and comforting each other. It was what they should have done all those years ago, what her selfishness had deprived them of.

Beautiful lines, Kat.

“I’m glad you came back Sal, you were like a daughter to me and I’ve really missed you. I’m so sorry for what I did, for driving you away.” He was gentling her hair, just as he had done as a child and Sally nuzzled closer to him, feeling his strong arms wrap their warmth around her.

Eyes shut and with the sun warming her skin and his arms around her Sally felt a wave of peace wash over her body like the waves of the distant surf as it immersed her completely.

“I’ve missed so much because of my stupid bitterness. I’ve been a fool.” She bit her lip anxiously and wiped the last trace of tears from her face. Her shoulders felt lighter, a huge millstone had been lifted from around her neck and suddenly it felt as if her heart was singing.

It was as if she was noticing things for the first time, how blue and clear the sky was, how golden the sun and how it lit up some areas of the land and thrust others into shadow. It painted pictures of red and gold on the sand strewn path, the grass seemed greener somehow, fresher and the marble of the stone like a halo of white, pure and innocent, like those who lay beneath it.

I had a tough time trying to pick out the best descriptions out of the above and in the end I had to go for ALL of them, BUT I have to add...

“The sun’s getting higher, I think that means this wedding’s getting closer, aren’t you meant to be walking Cassie down the aisle love?” It was the first words of general conversation they had spoken to each other in so many years and Sally knew she would always remember them

... this is perfect!

Above them the sun glowed in the sky and a solitary seagull could be heard. Suddenly everything was once again alright with the world.

Ideal sentence on which to end a chapter.

And BTW it was worth waiting so long for the update!

[defying_gravity]

this is an awesome fic! plz update soon! xx

[I love music]

this is an awesome fic! plz update soon! xx

Seconded.

[I love music]

Just read, Kat (Wow, you like to keep people waiting long enough for updates, don't you?!!) Loved the happy ending. Will review properly later in week as it's getting a bit late now and you know me and my sleep..

[I love music]

Sorry for the long delay in reviewing, Kat, life’s always hectic!

Sally's hand no longer shook as she rapped loudly on The Caravan Park door. For the past half hour it was as if a smile had been pasted onto her face and she felt six stone lighter, such was her relief at having finally faced her demons.

That’s a great opening, but careful with the wording. The smile “pasted on her face” makes it sound like a false smile. She hadn’t been able to stop smiling would be a better description.

...had hugged Sally so fiercely that she had felt almost as if her body would break with the pressure. It was heart warming though, to see her son so undeniably happy, to see that lost boy she and Flynn had taken in, standing so tall and proud, a man now and a man to be proud of.

The happiness had been glowing from every pore of his handsome face and Sally had felt so proud of him as she had watched him leave for the service. She had taken more than the necessary photographs, determined to capture every emotion on a face that she had missed so much over the years.

Loved the fierce hug that Ric gave Sally and the pride they both obviously had in each other.

The onslaught was continuing but Sally had begun to tune out. The tears were already forming at the back of her eyes and her eyes stung with guilt because she knew what Martha said was true. Martha had every right to say it and Sally deserved to let her get it off her chest so she said nothing but stood there biting her lip as the ferocious tirade continued.

"Martha that's enough! This is my wedding and Sally is here because I want her to be so you can just stop having a go at her okay? She's here to walk me down the aisle because I want her to be here, alright?" Cassie stood, hands on hips, looking absolutely heavenly in her beautiful, flawlessly fitted, off white, satin gown, her skirts billowing around her long legs.

Poor Sally! It was lovely when Cassie defended her and Anna “shot a glare” at Martha and put a supportive arm round Sally’s waist.

"I am here as your guest because I love you and I wouldn't miss your wedding for anything but I don't think I should walk you down the aisle." She had rehearsed this so often in her head but it was a struggle to keep her voice even when faced with the look of desperate hurt in Cassie's eyes. Cassie opened her mouth to protest but Sally silenced her with a look and a gentle kiss on the cheek.

I read a lot of Irish authors (Patricia Scanlon, Melissa Hill etc) because I love the way their words flow. It’s hard to say exactly what I mean unless you’ve read any yourself but there are times in your writing when you sound exactly like them. The quoted paragraph above is one of those examples.

"Actually there's a change of plan. I'll be walking down the aisle ahead of Cassie," Sally nodded to her daughter, a reassuring smile on her face and Cassie took her cue.

"Mr Stewart, would you please do me the honour of giving me away?" Her eyes beamed brightly and Alf looked past her to Sally and a look of understanding passed between them. His words caught in his throat and a solitary tear escaped his eye as he smiled at Sally before taking a deep breath and finding his voice.

"Nothing would make me prouder love."

Beautiful moment.

Staring straight ahead of her she fixed her eyes on Ric, so tall and broad, just as Flynn had been. He smiled at her with such pride, love from a son to his mother seeping from every inch of his familiar face and Sally smiled back at him.

In her mind's eye, her husband was at Ric's side. Memories of her own wedding, of towelling robes and pouring rain flitted into her mind and Sally remembered not caring because she had been so in love. He was still with her and she knew that somewhere, wherever he was, he was stood at the head of the altar watching her while her beautiful baby girl danced at her feet.

I liked that, Kat. Really liked that.

...and Anna, with her exquisite red hair and a knowing look in her eyes...ever the minx gave her a saucy, knowing wink and flicked her hair in the direction of a handsome member of Ric's grooms party.

And that!

Ric's eyes shone with love and pure adoration as he watched Cassie's descent on the arm of a man who walked with straight shoulders and an expression of deepest pride on his face.

I like Alf being able to walk with straight shoulders and the expression of deepest pride on his face, but again watch the wording. Cassie’s “descent” sounds like she flew down from the church rafters! He watched Cassie being led down the aisle by Alf Stewart mightn’t be very imaginative but it says what it means and means what it says.

As the words of the service were spoken by the gentle celebrant Sally's thoughts wandered to her own wedding, her own vows and to her little girl, whose vows she would never hear.

I could feel Sally’s emotions there. Nice line.

I don't like this. I've had it written for ages but kept putting off posting it because I couldn't get it to a point where I liked it. I've been struggling with my writing of late and nothing I put on paper seemed good enough to end this fic which has possibly been one of my favourites to write.

Okay, I’ve done it myself on occasion but NEVER run down your writing before anyone’s had a chance to read it! Think about it. Would you read a book if the author began with “This isn’t much good, but...” or watch a movie if the announcer announced “I don’t know if this movie’s worth watching but...” Let people make up their own minds.

Having said that, I can see where your dilemma lay. It has nothing to with the chapter. The chapter is absolutely fine as is the story. It’s only the last line that lets it down. First and last lines are hugely important. So you have :

As the celebrant pronounced them husband and wife Sally beamed at everybody in the vicinity and squeezed Mr Stewarts hand tightly. He returned her gesture bestowing her with a ready smile and Sally felt a new found hope wash over her.

Which is great - but the last line is weak:

She had made her peace with him and in her heart she had finally said goodbye.

I’m going to do a very quick edit as I don’t really have time to work much more on it, but see what you think of this (I’m sure you could come up with better lines):

She had made her peace. With everyone. Those who belonged to her past and those who belonged to her future.

All in all, it was a lovely fic, Kat, and don't let a weak last line colour your whole judgement.

ps I'm going to start charging for these detailed critiques!!!

[Red Ranger 1]

Wow.I've just read this several months after seeing it in the recommendations thread and vowing to do so at one point and I found it just beautiful.You really captured Sally and everyone else, the way their lives had fallen apart over the years and they'd drifted away from each other, and it was really heart-warming when they finally came back together.I don't know what you were so worried about, everything was perfect.Thank you so much for writing it.