Before I Die

[pamy]

Chapter title comes from a song. Why this song? Because I was listening to it while I was writing it. That's it. If I was listening to another song it might have been another title.

Chapter 31: Tears in heaven

It was the sunlight (shining trough the window) which first woke up Robbie. He was the first one awake that morning. Actually, in the house next door, Luke was awake as well. But since he had never really gone to sleep he wasn’t the first to wake up. It’s not like it truly mattered. Robbie was the first to wake up. And he knew. He had known since the night before, but when he saw the lifeless form of his little sister he knew for sure. His heart stopped. And for a second, just a second, he was frozen in place. His little sister in his arms. Not breathing. Not living. Gone forever.

Robbie didn’t move, didn’t breathe. Until eventually he shook her just a little. He did not want to accept that his little sister was gone. So he shook her in an attempt to wake her up. But she did not wake up. She could not wake up. Never again would she open her eyes. Never would she laugh at his silly jokes. Never would he be able to tell her he loved her. When the realization that she was truly gone finally sunk it, he screamed. It was as if all the feelings he had held inside for years were coming out now. He took her and hugged her close to him. And he cried. All of the strength he had had for years was gone. All the fight disappeared from within him. Nothing left of the strong Robbie on which Matilda had leaned for years. Now Matilda was gone and Robbie…well Robbie was losing.

Beth woke up at the sound of her son screaming. And she knew. The only reason why Robbie would scream so broken, so defeated, was if her little girl was gone. Opening her eyes she was met with the most heartbreaking scene. Robbie was holding Matilda tight rocking back and ford. Crying. Lost to the world. And she knew she should try to comfort her son. Try to be there for him. But she could not. The sight of her dead little girl was enough to break her as well. She buried her head in her arms and cried.

Robbie’s breaking down seemed to have the opposite effect on Kit. The sight of her strong brother losing his strength seemed to give her more. While Robbie cried and held her close, she felt calmer. As if now that she knew her brother couldn’t hold the family together she had to do it. So she got up and went to the phone. She seemed to be working on auto pilot. But she knew exactly what she had to do. She had to call Scott. And she had to call the Holden’s. And once she was doing that she could break down as well.

Scott knew. He knew it the second the phone rang. When he heard Kit’s voice at the other side of the line he knew what was to come. Still he had to hear her say it. If she wouldn’t say it out loud he would always doubt it. He had to hear it. He heard her tell him that his little sister was gone. And that’s the last thing he truly heard. He’s sure she said other things as well, but he didn’t hear them. Eventually he the phone fell out of his hand and dropped on the ground. He fell on his knees beside it. He felt as if everything hurt. He could barely breath. And trough it all all he really heard was Kit’s voice saying Matilda was gone.

********

Luke had never managed to fall asleep. He’d been staring at his ceiling for hours. Simply thinking. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what was happening. He was sure he would love Matilda forever. And it just didn’t seem fair to him that he would lose her. But there was nothing that could be done, and he knew he had to accept it. But he couldn’t. The phone ringing caused him to jump up. The clock told him it was still early. He heard his father getting up and talking on the phone.

The ringing of the phone woke up Tony. He sat up without truly looking at the clock and went to pick up. It was Kit. He had never talked to Kit. He didn’t know her that well. But as soon as he heard the sound of her voice he knew. It was all over. He told her they’d be right there and hung up. But he had no idea what to do next. How was he supposed to tell his son that his girlfriend was dead? He couldn’t do it. But he had to.

That was how Jack found him. Leaning against the wall. His head in his hands. Crying. He’d never seen his father cry. Not even when his mother died. He’s sure he had cried however. He had just done it in the privacy of his own room. There where his children would never see it. He was sure of it. But he had never seen his father cry. And he knew. If he was crying it was because of Matilda. He froze in place and when his father met his eyes, he was completely sure. Without a word he turned around and went to Luke’s room. He would be the strong one. He would be the on to break his little brother’s heart. He knew his father would come in right behind him. But he was the big brother, there to protect his little brother. Or if he could not protect him simply hold him.

*********

Robbie wouldn’t let go of her. He didn’t let go when Kit told him to. Or when his mother practically pleaded him to. He didn’t let go of her when he heard the Holden’s arrive. He however did let her go when the ambulance arrived. But only because he had to. He watched as they covered her with a white blanket and carried her out. But he didn’t move off the bed. He had no strength left. No will to live. Nothing. He couldn’t get up on his legs, because he was sure they wouldn’t be able to carry him. He sat there in the bed where he had last held his sister, without moving. Practically without breathing.

It’s there that Jack found him. He saw Kit and Beth sitting on the couch. Holding each other. He had seen Luke sink down on the ground when he saw her being carried out. Tony held him close to him. As if he could somehow take the pain away. But Robbie wasn’t there. He somehow found his way to Matilda’s room. And there he was. Sitting on the bed. If he hadn’t been breathing Jack might have mistaken him for some kind of statue. He walked to him and sat down next to him. Robbie didn’t seem to realize at first that somebody was there.

Robbie hadn’t heard Jack walk in. Nor had he heard him come to sit next to him. He only realized somebody was there when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He knew it was Jack even before he turned around. He started to cry yet again. Robbie lied his head on Jack’s shoulder and cried. He didn’t care he was probably ruining Jack’s shirt. He felt Jack’s strong arms around him and hold him close to him. And he knew Jack didn’t care either. He knew things needed to be done. People needed to be called. But for the time being he just cried. Because there was nothing else he could do.

*****

Luke’s not sure how long they sat there. All he knew is that it was a while. Eventually however all their tears dried down. He found himself in Mattie’s room. Sitting on the chair (where Kit had spend the previous night) He was lost. He didn’t know what to do. He felt so alone. His eyes wondered around her room and rested on a book. Inside of it was a piece of paper. He picked it up and stared at the paper. At first he didn’t know if he should really read it. But it’s not like Mattie was there anymore. The title called his attention immediately.

Before I die…

So this was it. The infamous list. His eyes wondered over it. Some things were crossed out. Those were the things she managed to do. His heart broke as he realized how little she had actually managed to do. Tears shone in his eyes yet again. He stopped at number one. She had never wanted to tell him. Now it was here in his hands. 1. Experience a miracle . He smiled sadly. A miracle. She had never experienced one. He wasn’t really sure what she had meant by that. And now he could never ask her.

He heard his dad call out to him. He knew they had to go. He folded up the paper and put it in his pocket. It’s not like anybody would truly miss it. He walked out of the room without turning around. The paper in his pocket. And the words kept repeating themselves in his mind.

Before I die...

[pamy]

Just so you all know I hate this chapter. it's the funeral chapter but it didn't come out right. it's just wrong. Anyway I hope you all like it though.

Chapter 32: Sand and water

If they think about this time, years later, not that they truly will try, they will realize they don’t remember much. Fragments. Bits and pieces. A conversation here an there. But not real memories. In a way this was the best thing that could have happened. They didn’t want to remember that time. They wanted to forget it. The only real memory they have of that time is the funeral. And they whished they could forget it. But they can not.

All alone I didn’t like the feeling

All alone I sat and cried

All alone I had to find some meaning

In the center of the pain I felt inside

Robbie stared at the spot where his little sister had disappeared into the ground. He just stood there. He didn’t cry, he had no more tears left. He didn’t move, he was sure he would fall if he tried. He just stood there. Different thoughts kept going trough his mind. And he wondered. If you had a sister, and she died. Did that mean you stopped having one? In a couple of years when people asked him how many siblings he had, what would he answer. Would he say two, for the living ones. Were Henry and Mattie still his siblings. Or were they just gone? Disappeared in time as if they had never existed at all. Was he still the big brother? Or was he the little brother now. The youngest of the Hunter siblings.

All alone I came into this world

All alone I will someday die

Solid stone is just sand and water, baby

Sand and water, and a million years gone by

Luke was sure he’d never be able to feel again. He felt that his heart had shattered in a million pieces and he was sure he’d never be able to put it together again. She was gone. Truly gone now. She had disappeared in a hole. Gone forever. But she had been gone before that. Not for the first time did he wonder what happened when you died. Did you just disappear? Was there such a thing as heaven? Because if there was then he was sure that that was were she was. Together with her brother. And he was here on earth. All alone. He knew the list was still in his pocket. Before I die…

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns

I will hear you in the sound of the waves

I will know you when I come, as we all will come

Through the doors beyond the grave

Robbie felt Tasha’s hands around him. And he knew she’d always be there. But it didn’t make anything better. It didn’t make the pain go away. He stared at the pile of sand that covered the casket. Tears shone in his eyes yet again, but he did not cry. Crying would not make anything better. It would not bring his little sister back. Or make anything at all better. It wouldn’t make him feel any better either.

Luke knew his brother was standing next to him. Just like he knew he would never leave. And still he felt so alone. He could not stop thinking of Matilda. They did not get a lot of time. And yet he would not give it up for the world. He looked in the far distance, without truly noticing anything, when he suddenly swore he saw her standing there. Smiling. He closed his eyes and opened them again. And she was gone. And he was sure he had imagined it. And as he stared at her grave yet again he found himself remembering the last thing she had truly said to him.

‘Promise me you’ll never forget me. Because if I thought you would, I’d never leave.’

And he wished he hadn’t promised. Then maybe she would still be here. And he knows it’s stupid and illogical but he can’t stop thinking it. As he looks up again he realizes almost everybody has left. It’s just him, Jack, Robbie and Tasha. He turns around and walks away. Unable to stand there any longer.

All alone I cam into this world

All alone I will someday die

Solid stone is just sand and water, baby

Sand and water and a million years gone by

Robbie remained there for a longer time. He has no idea how long he and Tash stood there. Neither one ever said a word. Robbie kept staring at the grave. Aware that in a couple of days a stone would stand there. With her name on it. A name. In the end it’s all that is truly left of a human life. A birth date and the date she died. A date that came far to soon.

And trough it all it never stopped raining.

[pamy]

Chapter 33: the final miracle

Tasha wished she could do something to help Robbie. A year had passed since Matilda had died and yet they all still had trouble accepting it. She did not think this was weird. She knew she still had trouble wrapping her mind around it. But Robbie was just lost. Gone. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t invent things. He didn’t try things out. He didn’t live anymore. And there was nothing she could truly do. She stayed by his side. And held him close. But with every day that passed she was sure she was losing him a little bit more.

Robbie tried to move on. He really did. But he could not do it. He couldn’t live while his little sister was gone. It was ironic that he had once thought that Kit was the weak one. That if Mattie would die it would be Kit who would disappear in time. He had been wrong. Kit was the strong one. He had used up all his strength during her illness. And now that she was gone he couldn’t go on. He knew Tasha was trying to help. But there was truly nothing she could do. Nothing that anybody could do.

A year had passed since he had promised her he would go to France. And here he was yet again. Standing on top of the Eiffel tower. Staring at the world below. He was standing in the same spot Matilda had stood last year, but he did not know this. Nor did he know that the bird that landed next to him was in fact the same bird which Matilda had been watching that time as well. All he knew was that he could look down at the people below. And see them living there lives. And for the first time since she had died he felt calm. At peace. It still hurt but he didn’t feel it so much. Maybe it was just his imagination.

Tasha stood next to Robbie. She knew that there was nothing she could do. Nothing but stay by his side. A couple of months ago he had told her he would probably never be the same again. And that she should just walk away. She told him she was sticking to him. She loved him and no matter what happened she would never leave him. And she planned on keeping that promise. Even if he never smiled again, she would still be by his side. She lied her head on his shoulder. And simply stared at the world below her.

Robbie was instead looking at the bird. He watched as it flew away from him. Just like Matilda had done. And that’s when it hit him. He could cry because she was gone. He could pray she would come back. Or he could remember how she had been. He could remember all the things they did together. He could remember that she was gone, or he could choose to remember everything else. He could close himself away from the world. Feel empty and alone. Or he could do what he knew she’d want him to do. He could smile, live, love and go on.

***************

Luke walked on the beach. He remembered somebody telling him that in time it would get better. That time heals all wounds. If only it were truth. Time made it worse. It made him realize that she would never come back. That it was all real and not a nightmare. That he would be alone forever. Because he was sure he’d never be able to forget her. He’d never be able to love again. No matter what anybody else said. No matter what Matilda had told him. He’d never be able to move on.

He spend most of his time on the beach. Here he felt calm. At peace. Here it sometimes almost seemed as if Matilda would show up at anytime. Even though he knew she never would. Today was no different from other days. He kept on walking and walking. Not truly paying attention to where he was going. Or what he was doing. It was sad to think that Matilda had gone trough her entire life. Lived, loved, cried and laughed. And in a couple of years nobody would even know who she was. She had reached the top and in the end the only thing that was left were the memories of the persons who had cared about her. Who had loved her.

He was walking on the beach deep in thought; when something caught his eye. He didn’t know what it was; but since he had nothing else to do; he decided to go see what was buried in the sand. It turned out to be a bottle. With a message inside of it. For a second he remembered the moment where he and Mattie had thrown the bottle in the ocean last year. But he quickly dismissed the idea. It was not possible that this was the same bottle. Now that would truly be a miracle.

His first instinct was to keep walking. Ignore the bottle lying there in the sand. Just walk away. But he remembered how important that message had been to Matilda. He had never truly understood why, but it had been important to her. And he was sure that to whoever had thrown this bottle in the ocean it was equally as important. Knowing it was what Matilda would have wanted him to do he picked it up. Soon he found himself sitting down on the sand, taking the letter out and opening it. What he found was the one thing he had never expected.

Dear Reader,

Whoever you are. You probably don’t know me. Nor will you ever know me. I don’t know who you are or where you come from. I know nothing about your life. And you know nothing about mine. This one letter (the message in a bottle) is the only time our lives will ever cross. By the time you read this I will be dead. I’ve known this day would come for along time, but that does not mean it saddens me less. Nor that it hurts less. I’m not writing this letter to sadden whoever reads this. Or for somebody to feel sorry for a person that they have never met. I’m not looking for your pity. I’m writing this letter to have prove. To prove to the world that I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. And even when I am not I will forever be remembered. Of course it is possible that this letter will be lost. Or that whomever reads this could care less. I don’t have many requests anymore. I know none of them will come true. I just hope that whoever you are you will find it in your heart to throw this message back into the sea. So that it can go on and on an on. And her is the best advice I could ever give you. The advice of a dying girl. Live your life at it’s fullest. Do everything you want to do today. Never think I’ll do it tomorrow. Because you’ll never know when tomorrow won’t be there anymore. Live. Love everybody with all your heart. Don’t be afraid to do anything. And most of all never regret anything. Because at some point in your life it was everything you ever wanted. I hope that some day my family and friends will find it in their hearts to move on and live as well. And I hope that nobody will ever forget that I existed. That at some point I lived in this world. And I was happy.

Love all the way from Summer Bay

Matilda Hunter.

The first time he read it all he saw was the name. The meaning of the letter didn’t sink in. Nor did it the second time he read it. He just kept staring at the handwriting. This was the last thing he was expecting. He had never expected to see this letter. He was sure this letter would never arrive here. It had been a year since she threw it in the ocean. This was a miracle. The list suddenly came to mind. Looks like the miracle arrived after all. Maybe just a little to late.

It took several readings before the true meaning of the letter finally sunk in. She wanted them to live. True she probably never thought he’d read this. But still the meaning still stood. She wanted them, him, to move on. To live. That’s what she wanted. And he knew she was right. He had to live. He was young and he had his entire live before him. He wouldn’t forget her, never. Nor would he ever stop missing her or loving her. But he had to live. He had to move on. He had to.

He suddenly remembered the list. The one that he carried around everywhere. He hadn’t looked at it since he took it out of the book. But now he remembered it. Matilda had had so many dreams. But she had not been able to do most of them. But he could. He could do the things she had never gotten around to. For her. It would give him a reason to go on. At least for a while. He didn’t know how long it would take too complete the list. But he would do it. If only to have a reason to live.

He took out the list and crossed out the first one. Experience a miracle. He folded up both papers and put them in his pocket. He would carry them around everywhere. He sat there for a long time simply staring at the ocean. Eventually he got up and started to walk away. He would move on. He would not forget her, never. But he would live. He would complete the list for her. But he would never change to title. Forever it would be called Before I die…

And he didn’t know how long it would take. Nor how long he would live. He didn’t know what the future would bring. Nor what his life would be like. But he did know this, one day he and Matilda would be together again. One day.

And somewhere high up in the sky, with her brother next to her, Matilda looked down on earth.

And she smiled.

The end

Alright. That's it. That's the end of the road. Thank you for all your great reviews. I'm glad you decided to stick around, even though I stopped writing for a while. It's not exactly a happy ending but that was not the idea. I'll write another fic, but I'm going to do that after my exams. Thanks.

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