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Before I Die

Guest pamy

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Chapter 11: i'm sorry

She watches as the waves hit the sand. She had no idea how long she had been standing there. Just watching. It was peacefull here. Quiet. Maybe that's why she dreamed about the beach so much. She felt good here. At peace. For a moment as if she was normal. She knew that a couple of meters away from her her brother was standing. Protecting her. Like he would always try to do. Even when he couldn't protect her anymore.

He sat on the beach but he wasn't looking at the ocean. She had wanted to be alone again. He understood that. But he wasn't going to leave her here alone. He was to afraid for that. He sighed. He wondered if he could be strong forever. She held on to him. His mum looked at him for strenth. What would happen if he would crumble? If he would fall? If his strenth would leave him? Would everyone fall with him? Or could she stand without him?

He looked in the mirror. He looked really bad. He hadn't slept at al last night. He hadn't eaten anything. He was love sick. And he didn't understand anything. He didn't understand why she wouldn't go out with him. She liked him. Maybe he had just imagened that. But he hadn't. He knew that. But he couldn't push the isue either. What if she had a good reason? But what if she had no reason at all?

Jack saw his little brother sitting there. Just staring at the mirror. He wondered what he should do. Should he go in there and be there for his brother? Should he go and leave him alone? Maybe he wanted to be alone. Maybe he wanted him by his side. How was he to know what the right choice was? He decided to walk in. After all if Luke really didn't want him there, he could send him away. Sitting down next to him he placed an arm around him. He didn't say anything. Just sat by his side.

Mattie walked in the caravan park house. She knew Robbie wasn't following her anymore. After all there was always somebody in this house. And there was a doctor her. She needed to talk to her best friend. She needed to know what to do. 'Hey Mattie. You ok?' She knew what Cassie meant. For a second she didn't know what to say. But she recovered quickly. 'I'm fine. Euhm..Is anyone else here?' 'No. Flyn is at the hospital. Sally, Pipa and Ric went for a walk. Why?' 'I need to talk to you.'

And so they talked. Mattie told Cassie everything she felt. Everything that had happened. She needed to know what to do. Your best friend can always help you right? 'Tell him. You should go out with him. You have as much right on happyness as anyone else. Tell him.' She sighed. 'Maybe. But how do I tell him I'm goint to die?' 'You're going to what?' She looked up. She hadn't heard them. There stood Ric and Sally looking at her. So much for her secret. But maybe it was better to tell them. They would have found out eventually.

Luke walked outside. He sighed. He didn't want to go for a walk. He didn't want to leave the house. But Jack had somehow convinced him. And now they were here. Standing in front of their house. He sighed again. He really didn't want to go. He didn't want to risk running into Mattie. He didn't want to risk finding out he had imagned everything. But he didnt need to go far. There she was. And just like everytime he saw her his hearth jumped up. She was beautiful.

She stood there. She wasn't sure if she really wanted to do this. But after telling Sally and Ric, she had made up her mind. She had to tell him. No matter the consequensces. And now she stood here. Her hearth beating harder then it should. Tears in her eyes. She had to tell him. She just didn't know how. 'Hey.' He looked at her. She saw the pain in his eyes. 'Hey.' He even sounded broken. She saw Jack back away from them and go back in the house. Somehow she knew he was standing somewhere he could see them. Just in case Luke needed him. It something that Robbie would have done.

'I don't understand.' He was the first to speak. She had started this conversation but seemed unable to go on. So he spoke. He knew Jack was close to him. Far enough not to hear the conversation. But close enough to know if he needed him. 'You like me.' She looked at him. He saw tears in her eyes. He didn't understand anything anymore. But it was her answer that brought back a little bit of hope. 'I do.' 'So why won't you go out with me?' 'It's complicated.' Complicated. As if that would help him. As if that would explain everything.

Complicated. She couldn't believe she had actually said that. It didn't tell him anything. 'Complicated? What's so complicated about it.' 'You don't understand.' 'You're right. I don't understand. So help me understand.' She looked up. Right into his eyes. He seemed determined to find out the truth. And she knew she had to tell him. 'Just let me explain ok? I can't go out with you,because I don't want to hurt you. You don't deserve it. Noboyd does. You shouldn't have to feel this pain. You should be able to go out with someone, fall in love and not lose. Not be hurt.' She stopped. Not sure how to continue.

'I don't understand. Why..' He didn't finish the sentence. He looked into her beautiful eyes. Full of tears. What was going on? What was so bad? He took a deep breath. Something in her behaviour made him feel like he really didn't want to know. It had to be bad. He tood another deep breath. It didn't matter. He had to know. He would understand. But nothing could have ever prepared him for what came next. 'I'm...I'm...going...to ...die.' He froze. No. He had dreamed it. This couldn't be happening. Not to him. 'What?' He was suprised he could get anything out.

'I have leukemia. I have known for years. I didn't watn to hurt you. You shouldn't have to go trough this. I'm so sorry. That's why.' She started to cry. She looked at him. He didn't react. He stood there. He was shocked she could see that. He wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't ready for this. She could see that. He shouldn't have to be. 'I'm sorry.' She turned around and walked to her house. She didn't look back. She didn't think she could.

He just stood there. He had never expected this. He couldn't say anything. He saw her cry. He saw her break. And he did nothing. Something inside him had broken. He couldn't do anything he was to shocked. He just stood there. He saw her walk away. And he still didn't move. After a while he walked into his house and sat down on the couch. That's when he broke completely and just started to cry. Jack who was standing in the kitchen didn't understand what was happening.

He could feel his brother's strong arms around him. He leaned against him and cried. He would explain it later. But he couldn't do it right now. Jack just held his little brother close. He didn't know what happened. But it wasn't good. He just held him tight. And all the time Luke could still hear Mattie's voice in her head. 'I'm sorry.' Apologizing to him. As if any of this was her fault. Because it wasn't her fault. It was nobody's fault.

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Chapter 12: by your side

Luke sat on his bed. He couldn't believe it. This couldn't be happening. This didn't happen to kids. This never happened to kids. She was so young. She had her entier life in front of her. This couldn't be happening. But it was. And he did nothing. He saw her cry and he had been unable to move. Unable to say anything. Unable to do anything. And now he sat here on his bed. Trying to make himself believe it. He loved her. He knew he did. But the worse of it all was that he found himself wondering if it was all worthed.

Jack sat on the beach. He had expected anything but not this. Poor Matilda. Poor Beth. Poor Robbie. Poor Luke. He wished there was something he could do. But there was no way he could take this pain away. There was no way on earth he could protect his little brother from this. He had to make his decisions for himself. He felt somebod sit down next to him. 'Hey.' Softly he placed a kiss on Martha's hair. He counted himself lucky.

Mattie sat down on the couch. She had told him a while ago. She didn't know why. She thought it would be better. She never wanted to hurt him. But it was to late. She did. She saw the pain on his face. She saw the fear in his eyes. He didn't want this. He shouldn't have to go trough this. Nobody should have to go trough this. She started to cry. She couldn't help herself. Never had she wished so much for Henry to be there with her. By her side. Holding her tight.

Robbie walked in the house to find his little sister on the couch. Crying. He didn't like to see her in pain. He saw it a lot lately. He didn't like that. Not at all. He couldn't help her with most pain he knew that. But he had seen Tony and he knew what was going on. And this was one pain he could maybe help Mattie whit. Or at least try. Soflty he sat down next to her. He felt her lean against him. He pulled her in a close hug.

She sat down at the beach again. This was getting ridicolous. She didn't know why she dreamt about the beach so much. It's not like she really liked it. But it was calm here. Without pain. She couldn't feel anything. She didn't even think about Luke. She saw one other person on the beach like always. But she didn't look at him. She took a deep breath. It was nice not to feel pain. Not to have to think about anything...

Her eyes flew op. She was lying on her bed. Robbie must have brought her here. She was tired. Like always after those dreams. She didn't want to have to hink about what they meant. But by not thinking about that she found herself thinking about Luke. Again. She was in love. She sighed. She hadn't expected this to happen. She took out her list. Number two. Fall in love. Well she did it. But she didn't really expect to feel this way.

He turned around in his bed again. He felt selfish. He felt like he should do something. He loved Mattie.He knew he did. He wanted to be with her. But could he really take all of this? Was he strong enough? Could he do this? Did he love her enough? Unable to lie in his bed any longer he got out of his bed. Dressing without looking at himself in the mirror. He found his big brother sitting in the kitchen. He didn't say anything. He was just there for him. WIthout a word.

Hours later

Mattie got out of the house. She stopped. He was standing there. She felt her hearth jump up. Tears appeared in her eyes. Maybe she could just walk past him. No she couldn't. Maybe she should just walk back inside. She didn't have the time. He walked to her.

He saw her standing there. She looked as beautiful as ever. His hearth jumped up. Beating harder then it should. He had made his decision. He knew what he wanted to do. And he would stick with it. No matter what. He walked to her. Trying to ignore the pain he was feeling.

'Hey.' 'Hey.' 'We need to talk about this...' She stopped him. She didn't want to hear it. 'Look Luke I know what you want to say. I know this is hard for you...You don't have to do this. You don't have to say anything. You can just go. I won't be offended. I will understand.' He just looked at her. Trying to find the rigth words. There were none.

He moved forwards and captured her lips in a soft kiss. A short and gentle kiss. She looked up at him. 'What?' 'I don't want to go. I love you...And I know what's waiting. And I know this won't be easy. But I want to be with you...I want to be by your side. Through it all. You need help. You need someone to be there. And I want to be there for you.' Tears rolled over her cheeks. 'Why are you crying?' 'No reason. I just thought...You're sure? I don't want to hurt you...'

He stopped her by capturing her lips in yet another kiss. He placed his hand on her back pulling her closer to him. She placed her arms around his neck. For a moment, just a moment, it seemed as if everything was perfect. As if nobody was sick. As if nothing was wrong.

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Chapter 13: First date

Mattie pulled back. Her first kiss. It was perfect. She loved him. She really did. But somehow it still seemed wrong. She couldn't help but think this was all a mistake. She couldn't put Luke trough all off this. She couldn't. She tried to tell him. But he cut her off with another kiss. A perfect kiss. She felt her knees go weak and thanked God that Luke was holding her. Because if he hadn't been she wouldn't be standing anymore. And this time it had nothing to do with her health.

Luke felt like he was floating. It felt great. He loved her. He wanted to be with her. Even if it would just be for a short time. He wanted to be by her side trough everything. He looked her in the eyes. Trying to find the words to tell her all of that. Trying to tell her that he loved her. And he would make sure that the time she had left would be the best of her life. Because even if he couldnt be long with her, he knew he wanted to be with her. Because he didn't want to wake up one day and wonder what if.

It was Jack who brougth them back to reality. 'Hey you two. Get a room will you!' He screamed. Trying to sound mad. But he couldn't stop laughing. That's when Mattie and Luke realised that they weren't alone. Jack, Robbie, Tony and Beth were watching them. Luke felt himself go red. This was not exactly what he wanted. He tried to say something but he couldn't find the words. 'Why don't you all come in.' Luke looked at Mattie and smiled. Together, hand in hand, they followed Beth into the house.

Hours later

Mattie was going crazy. Just crazy. She had never gone on a date. In fact the last couple of years she hadn't even cared what she wore. But now it was important. She wanted it to be perfect. She didn't want him to change his mind. She ran in her room from one side to the other. Desperetly picking up her clothes and throwing them back on the floor. She sat down on the bed. She had nothing to wear. Everything was going to go wrong. She could feel it. It would all go wrong.

Luke ran trough his room. Every item off clothes he had didn't seem good enough for Mattie. He wanted it to be perfect. For her. He wanted her to have fun. To remember him forever as a good thing. But it wasn't really going well. He would take her to the movies, he just hoped she would like the movie. He ran out off his room. Looking for help. But there was nobody there. His dad was talking to Beth. He knew that. But he needed his brother. Now.

Robbie walked into Mattie's room. He saw her sitting on the bed her head in her hands. For a second he thought something was wrong. But then he looked around the room. And he knew. Mattie was just nervous. 'What happened here?' 'Nothing.' 'Nothing? Mattie it looks like a huricane went trough here.' He walked to the bed and put his arm around her. 'What is it little sis?' 'Everything is going to go wrong. I'll look ridicolous and...' 'Stop. Calm down. It's your first date. Everybody feels like that. Now why don't I help you choose an outfit?'

'Hey little brother. What's going on.' 'Where have you been?' 'I was on the beach with Martha. Why?' 'WHat do you mean why? Everything is going wrong. I have nothing to wear. I don't know what to do...' 'Stop. Calm down. Everything is going to be alright. Now let's just think. Take a deep breath. I'll help you.' Luke took a deep breath and looked at his big brother. 'You really going to help me?' 'Of course I am. That's what I am here for. And then I will be mocking you for that rest of your life for freaking out like this.' Putting an arm around his little brother Jack pulled him towards the bedroom. They would find the perfect outfit. Together.

Beth looked at Tony. 'Look. I know you'll think I'm overreacting but..' 'Hey. Everything is going to be alright. Now tell me one more time. Then I can write everything down and tell Luke. I understand. I really do. Now.' 'Ok. She can feel very dizzy sometimes. Now there's nothing he can do about that, and he shouldn't freak out about it. Just sit her down. And if there somewhere near a cafetaria or a shop or anything get her a soda. If she suddenly runs away it's because she's feeling sick. He should follow her. No matter where she goes. And just be there for her. If she faints he should first try to wake her up.' 'And if that doesn't work?' 'Call us. You have all of our numbers right?' 'Yes. Again. Everything will be alright.' 'I know. She's happy.' 'So is he.' 'You're sure he can handle this.' 'His choice. He wants to be with her. And we will help him trough it.'

Later that night

Mattie and Luke were sitting on the beach. Mattie's head was resting against his shoulder. She felt great. She had been worried but nothing had gone wrong that night. She felt at peace. Comfortable. She wanted to stay this way forever. Always by his side. But she knew she had to go home. She had to be home in two hours. Or her mum would go nuts. But for now she just wanted to stay this way.

Luke felt her close to him. He had never felt so great in his life. He knew what was waiting for them, but he didn't want to think of that now. He just wanted her by his side. For all the time they had left. 'Hey. You still awake?' 'Yeah.' 'You still ok?' 'Yeah.' 'Can I ask you a question?' 'Didn't you just ask me one?' She smiled. 'Go ahead.' 'You talked about a list. What's on it.' 'Manny things. I can't do a lot off them.' 'But the things you could do. What are they?'

She sighed. She had made that list with Henry a long time ago. Henry. Everytime she thought of him she felt bad. But the knowledge that soon they would be together again made that pain less. 'Lie in bed all day. Send a message in a bottle.' 'Why?' 'To tell the world I was really here. That I lived.' 'What else?' 'Learn to ballroom dance. Go up in a hot-air balloon. Go skinny dipping.' 'What?' 'I got the idea from Ric and Cassie. That's how they met. I thought it would be fun.' He laughed. 'Sing a great song in front of an audience. Shower in a waterfall.' 'There are waterfalls in summer bay?' 'I don't know. I don't think so. But...I want to dance in the rain and sleep under the stars. I want to drive a car. I want to go abseiling.' 'Isn't that dangerous.' 'Not if you have somebody with you who knows how.' 'And I want a tatoo.' 'Is that number 1?' 'No.' 'Did you tell me what it is?' 'No.' 'Are you going to?' 'I could. But I would have to kiss you.' He placed a soft kiss on her lips. 'You ok?' 'I'm tired.' 'I'll take you home.'

They stopped when they reached her door. Luke placed a soft kiss on her lips. 'Good night.' 'Good night.' He turned around. 'Hey.' 'What?' 'Never leave without saying I love you.' He smiled. 'What?' 'Henry used to say that. Because if something would happen you would always know that the last thing you told them was that you loved them.' He felt tears well up in his eyes. She was right. 'I love you.' 'I love you.'

Luke sat down next to his brother. 'And?' 'It was great.' 'Oh. My little brother is growing up. I'm so proud.' 'Stop. Now.' 'I can remember when you were just a little boy and you..' Luke stood up and walked to his room. Jack followed him. 'I'm not listening to you. Pretending I don't hear you.' Jack laughed. 'Alright. Tell me. How did it go.' 'Everything was perfect.' 'You ok?' 'I love her.' 'I know.' 'But I'm going to lose her. What am I going to do without her.' 'Hey little brother. We're not there yet. And when we get there, I will help you go trough it. I'm here for you. You know that right?' 'Yeah.' Jack looked at his little brother. He smiled. 'But I still remember when you were just a little boy...' Luke smiled and threw his pillow at him.

Mattie sat down on the couch and closed her eyes. 'Hey Little Sis!' SHe jumped up. You would think that after spending so much time with Robbie you would get used to him. But you don't. 'Hey.' 'You alright?' 'Just tired.' 'So tell me how did it go.' 'Great. It was perfect.' 'It was your first date. Glad it went better then my first date with Tash. Remember?' 'You mean the time you hit her with your ellbow, she dropped the box on your foot, you accidently covered her in pie, and she accidentily closed the door with your fingers between it? How did you two get together?' 'We're both crazy. In other words perfect for each other.' Mattie closed her eyes again. She was so tired. 'You sure you ok?' 'Tired. I'm going to sleep. Night.' 'Night.' 'Love you.' 'Love you.' 'Mum. I love you.' 'Love you sweetie.'

Luke slept with a smile on his face. Jack looked at his little brother and was happy everything was going great. He just hoped it would stay this way fro a long time.

Mattie slept peacefully. She didn't dream of the beach. In fact she dreamed of nothing. Robbie looked over his little sister to make sure she was alright. He hoped she would stay alright. For as long as possible.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't really like this chapter. Doesn't matter. Here it goes. Thank's for the reviews.

Chapter 14: Together

She opened her eyes. She had never felt so happy in her life. Luke. Her first date. And everything had gone well. Everything. She hadn't felt sick for a second. She closed her eyes again. She smiled as she remembered last night. Slowly she tried to get back up. She waited for a couple of seconds; expecting the room to turn. It didn't. She smiled. Maybe her love for Luke did help. Even if it was just for a while.

Luke's eyes flew open. Mattie. The first and last thing on his mind. He smiled. He had the best time last night. She was great. He turned around. They were happy together. He closed his eyes. But it wouldn’t last. She was sick. He couldn’t forget that. He shouldn’t forget that. He opened his eyes again. He smiled. At least they were together and happy. For now. He just whished he knew how long it would last.

Robbie put the last milk on the table. When he saw his little sister come in a smile appeared on his face. She looked so happy. And healthy. Usually she looked sick in the morning. But not today. Maybe it was because she was so happy. Maybe it was because of Luke. Or maybe she just learned how to hide it better. He shook his head slightly. He shouldn’t think like that. He couldn’t think like that. She looked good. Because she was in love.

Jack was eating his breakfast. He smiled as Luke sat in front of him. He looked happy. But also sad. He sighed. How could this be happening? How could the one person his brother loved be dying? He sighed. He couldn’t change that. Nobody could change it. And it was nobody’s fault. He had to convince Luke of that. All he could do was be there for Luke. Because sooner or later Luke was going to need him. He closed his eyes hoping it would be later rather than sooner.

‘Hey guys.’ Luke and Jack looked up. ‘Hey dad.’ ‘What’s up?’ ‘Beth invited us to diner tonight. The three of us.’ Luke looked at his dad. ‘Mattie…’ ‘Will be there of course.’ Luke smiled. He wanted to spend time whit Mattie. As much as he could. But he understood that she wanted to be with her family to. This was a good compromise. Tony turned to Jack. ‘Oh; She also said that you could bring Martha if you want.’ Jack smiled. This would be a great night.

That night

Laughter could be heard from the room. Everyone was laughing. Robbie was telling them funny story’s. Things that had actually happened to him. Mattie and Luke were sitting on the couch. She was leaning against his chest. He had his arms wrapped around him. They felt so good together. So comfortable. Together. They felt as if everything was perfect. As if nothing was wrong.

Robbie and Tasha were sitting in the couch to. He was telling them the story’s. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulder. Jack and Martha were sitting on another couch. He had her in his arms. She was leaning against him. They were all laughing. All having fun. For a while it seemed as if everything was alright. Beth and Tony were sitting at the table. Just looking at them.

Jack was listening to Robbie. He was a great guy. A funny guy. He would be a good friend. His eyes wondered to his little brother. He looked so happy. They looked so great together. He was worried. He couldn’t help it. Eventually his little brother would get hurt. And there was nothing he could do about it. He pulled Martha closer to him. Why couldn’t Luke have somebody healthy? Why did this happen?

Robbie was telling all of the story’s that came to mind. Everyone was laughing. Everyone was having fun. He was laughing. But inside he felt like he was dying. His eyes wondered to Mattie. She was happy. That was a good thing. He wanted to safe her. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to lose her. Why did this happen to them? Why did Henry die? Why did Mattie get sick? Why?

Luke felt Mattie in his arms. He felt great. Every time she was close to him his hearth started to beat faster. He was in love with her. But he had to fall in love with the one person who would leave him. Not that it was her fault. She couldn’t do anything to stop it. But for as long as he could be with her he would hang on to her. For as long as possible.

Mattie rested her head against his chest. She could feel his hearth beat. It calmed her down. She felt great. She looked around the room. Her family was here. Her friends (apart from cassie and ric) were here. Her boyfriend was her. Her boyfriends family. Everyone together. She smiled.

This is what she wanted. For everyone to be together. For as long as possible.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Chapter 15: the return

She sat in her car. She wasn’t really sure were she was going to go. She couldn’t just go home. Not after everything that happened. Not after what she did. Sure they had said it wasn’t her fault. It didn’t really mean that they believe it. And now she was here. On her way back home. But she wasn’t really sure she wanted to. Slowly she started to drive again.

Welcome to Summer Bay

Luke stared at his breakfast. He wasn’t really hungry. He couldn’t stop thinking about Matilda. He loved her so much. And the thought of losing her, it just killed him. He stared at his breakfast. He didn’t even hear his brother come in. He just sat there. Thinking. About everything. And he was scared. Scared to lose her. Scared of what was coming. Scared. Of everything.

Jack walked in and saw his little brother sitting there. He looked so down. So broken. He wanted to do something. But he couldn’t think of anything. “Morning little brother. What ya doing today?” Nothing. Noting happened. No answer. Think of something. “Well I’m planning on…Leaving the force and becoming a clown. So if you don’t see me anymore just look for someone with a wig and big shoes.” Nothing. “Little Bro? You ok?”

Mattie sat at the breakfast table. Robbie was watching something on TV. Her mum was in the bathroom. She just sat there. She couldn’t stop thinking. Luke. Everything seemed so perfect with him around. But she couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen. She would get sick. Soon. And she couldn’t help but worry if he would just leave when that happened. And she wondered how long she would hang on if he did leave.

Robbie was watching TV. Every few minutes he looked at Mattie. He knew he was probably being overprotective. But he was worried. If he would look away something might happen. He couldn’t lose her. He wasn’t ready to lose her. He would never be ready to lose her. How could this have happened? Was it something he did? Was it something they did? What did they do to deserve this?

Twenty minutes later

Mattie felt Luke’s strong arms around her. And she felt great. She rested her head against his chest. She felt great. She closed her eyes. She was so tired. She wanted to sleep. But she didn’t want Luke to let go of her. She knew she should lie down in her bed. But she felt so comfortable in his arms. Slowly she drifted of to sleep.

Luke pulled her closer to him. And he wondered. He wondered how long he was going to be able to hold her. How long they were going to be together. He felt her cuddle closer to him. And he felt great. And sad. He placed a soft kiss on her hair. Just wanting to hang on to her. For as long as he could.

Jack kept looking at his little brother. He knew he wasn’t doing alright. And he wondered how long he was going to be able to do this. If it was even a good idea. He knew that Luke loved Mattie. He knew Mattie loved Luke. But sometimes love isn’t enough. And in this case it would definitely not be enough. He looked at his dad and Beth who were sitting at the kitchen table. And he suddenly realized they couldn’t back out anymore. They all needed their help. All of them. And all he could do was watch.

Robbie looked at his little sister. She looked so happy. She hadn’t been that happy since Henry died. He was the only one who could make her smile. And now Luke managed to do that to. And it was good for her. Good for them. But somehow he felt jealous. It was ridiculous his little sister deserved to be happy. She deserved to laugh. But every minute Luke spend with her, was one minute he could spend less with her. And it hurt. And he felt guilty for feeling that way.

The door opened with a big bang. Everyone looked up. And there in the door stood….


Really sorry it took so long guys. Next chapter will be up soon. Promise.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Chapter 16: painfull story


Mattie turned around the second Robbie said her name. Kit. Her big sister. She let go of Luke and jumped up. It had been to long since she saw her big sister. And she just wanted to hold her. She knew Kit was in pain. But right now she didn’t care. She ran to her big sisters and pulled her in a tight embrace. She felt Kit give in to it for a second but then she let go of her.

She heard her brother call out her name. Her little sister jumped up and hugged her. And she wanted to hold Mattie. Hold her and never let her go. But she couldn’t do that. Not after what she had done. So she let go of Mattie pretty fast. And she walked away from her. She couldn’t see the look of disappointment on Mattie’s face. But she could imagine it. She could.

Robbie couldn’t believe it. After months. He got up and walked to his sister. He saw mattie hug her. And Kit walk away from her. He tried to give her a hug to reassure her everything was going to be alright. But Kit ignored him. Didn’t even look at him. Walked right passed him. So instead he walked to his little sister and hugged her. To reassure her everything would be alright.

Luke looked at the scene in front of him. And didn’t understand a thing. He didn’t understand who the girl was or what was going on. And by the look on his father and brother’s face he wasn’t the only one. He saw the girl (Kit) walk to Beth. Beth smiled at her and pulled her in a tight embrace. But just like with Mattie she pulled away rather rapidly. As if she preferred not to be hugged.

It was two hours since Kit had returned. Luke, Jack and Tony had gone home. Kit had taken a shower and was now getting dressed. Mattie sat at the kitchen table. Looking at an old picture. All of them together. Why did all of this happen to them. Why. She couldn’t understand it. She probably never would. She shook her head. She saw her big sister come out of the bathroom.

Kit saw Mattie get up and walk to her. But she didn’t want to have to look her in the eye. She saw Mattie come closer to her and she turned away. Walked right past her. Couldn’t face her. Not now. Probably not ever. The only reason why she let her hug her was because it could very well be the last time. It could always be the last time. She sat down at the table. Back to Mattie. Without turning around once.

Mattie stood there. She knew Kit was in a lot of pain. She knew Kit felt guilty, especially around her. But it hurt. It hurt to be threaded like that by her big sister. But she didn’t know what to do. In fact there was nothing she could do. She tried to get closer to Kit. But Kit moved away from her. Guilt. She started to cry. She turned around and ran out of the house. Past Luke’s house. She didn’t’ stop until she reached the beach. Unable to run any further she felt her knees go weak. Slowly she fell down on the sand. Crying.

Luke saw Mattie run past the house. And he ran after her. He didn’t even think about it. He just did. It felt normal that he would run after her. Like it would be wrong not to do so. She kept running. He never knew she could run this fast. He saw her stop at the beach. She fell down on the sand. She was crying. And it broke his heart. It broke his heart to see her like this. It broke his heart to see her in this much pain. Slowly he sat down next to her. Putting his arms around her and pulling her in a hug. He didn’t understand what was going on. But he was sure she would tell him.

Beth sat at the table. Kit had gone for a walk. Robbie and Mattie were nowhere to be found. She sighed. She had no idea what she had done to deserve all of this. She heard the door open but she didn’t look up. She didn’t see the point. She looked up when she heard Tony’s voice. ‘What’s going on?’ She sighed. She might as well tell him the full story.

Mattie looked at Luke. Trying to figure out a point to start. She couldn’t find one. Taking a deep breath she started the story. A painful story. ‘Henry was my brother. My twin brother. We were always together. We made that list. You remember I told you about that? Three years ago we found out I had…Leukaemia. It hurt. He promised he would be there for everything. We’d be together. In the end it didn’t go like that. But we had hope. A lot of hope. Hope we would make it. Hope the treatment would help. It didn’t. About a year later all our hope died. It died with the treatment. It just died.’

Luke pulled Mattie closer as she told her story. He didn’t really understand what this had to do whit the girl from yesterday. What was her name Kit? ‘But what does this have to do with Kit?’ ‘She’s my oldest sister. She vowed to take care of us. For as long as she could.’ She started to cry again. He didn’t understand. Softly he pulled her closer and placed a soft kiss on her hair. Trying to calm her down. Reassure her that everything was going to be alright. But how could he reassure her if he wasn’t really sure what was going on?

Beth sight. She didn’t really know how to continue. ‘About a month after they stopped the treatment, Mattie wanted to go to this show. And I let her. Henry was with Max in the city. It was raining. It was dark. They were all three at the show. But Mattie felt bad. So they called Dani to come and pick them up. Dani is an old friend let’s say. But Dani only had a small car. And Mattie needed to lie down. So she and Max went with Dani and Henry was going to get home a different way.’ Beth stopped. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

Tony couldn’t really follow. He couldn’t think of anything to do. All he could think of was to comfort her. To make her feel better. He needed to do that. He didn’t like seeing her cry. Slowly he put his arms around her. To protect her. To make her feel sure. She sobbed on his shoulder. He doesn’t know how long they sat there. But it was pretty long.

‘Henry got another drive home. It was raining. And you couldn’t really see that well. They never saw the other car coming. They tried to get away and ended up losing control of the car. It turned and it turned and eventually it hit a tree. And then it burned.’ She felt the tears come up again. But she couldn’t cry. Not now. She had to be strong she had to tell him everything. ‘Henry never got out. According to the doctors he probably died when the car hit the tree. Most likely was the word they used. Which was good. Because then it meant he never felt the flames. And that it didn’t hurt so much. I never saw his body. I didn’t want to. According to euhm Robbie, who did see him, it was better I didn’t. It was better to remember him the way he was.’

Luke didn’t know what to say. He pulled Mattie closer to him. She cried. She couldn’t stop. ‘We…we…always thought he’d lose me…We never considered the possibility I’d lose him. We never thought of that. We never thought of that.’ ‘It’s ok. It’s ok. I’m here. Cry. Shhh.’ Luke placed another kiss on her hair. He still didn’t really understand everything. Though he was coming to a conclusion. A conclusion she didn’t want to think of.

‘I don’t understand Beth. What does this have to do with Kit.’ ‘He tried to call Robbie, but he wasn’t there. Neither was I. Kit was the only who was here. She was driving the car. And ever since that moment where she lived and he didn’t she just went crazy. She felt so guilty. So guilty.’ Tony placed a hand on her shoulder. He didn’t know what to say. It had to be horrible. For Beth, for Mattie, for Robbie and for Kit. He couldn’t even think about having to go trough this.

Luke still held Mattie close to him. But she had calmed down a bit. She wasn’t crying as much anymore. Not as much as before. ‘She felt guilty. Especially around me. She thought everything was her fault. And not matter how many times we tried to convince her it wasn’t. That it had been a horrible accident she didn’t listen. She just didn’t listen.’ She took a deep breath. The story was almost over. Then she could rest again. ‘Kit is an alcoholic. After my dad died she went nuts. We thought that was bad. But after Henry…It was worse. She disappears for months. We never know where she is. Sometimes she calls. Sometimes she visits. Mostly when she needs something.’

‘Like money?’ Tony asked it before he thought about it. When he said it he immediately realised it had been the wrong thing to ask. ‘Yeah. Like money. She needs it.’ ‘So you give it to her? I mean why not try to take her to a doctor. Maybe a place where they can cure her. Help her.’ ‘I tried. But she doesn’t listen. And if I don’t give it to her I’m going to lose her. I already lost a son in an accident. I’m losing my other daughter to a disease. I can not lose another child tony I can not. And if given her the money makes her come back and stay then I will.’

Mattie felt luke’s strong arms around her as they walked back to the house. She had finally told him the full story. He didn’t really know what to say but that was ok. There was nothing he could say. Nothing that would bring back Henry or turn back the clock. She just wished that Kit believed that she didn’t’ blame her. That she knew it was an accident. That it wasn’t her fault. But most of all she wished that Henry was there. She moved closer to Luke. Holding him tight.

Luke didn’t know what to do or what to say. It seemed so surreal. The Hunters seemed to have no luck at all. How could all of that happen to such a nice family? How could this be happening to mattie. Why did things have to be like this. And he hoped. He hoped he could have Mattie by his side for a long time. And he hoped that one day Kit would know Mattie doesn’t blame her. And hopefully before it was to late.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It's a long one. Enjoy.

Chapter 17: dance lessons

Mattie sat on the couch. Staring at an old picture. Luke had brought her home. Only to discover that Kit had already left. Tears stood in her eyes but she didn’t not cry. She did not want to. She didn’t want to think of pain. She wanted to be happy. She closed her eyes. The memory of Luke flashed trough her head. His eyes. His hugs. His kisses. She smiled. No more tears.

Robbie walked into the house. She sat there on the couch. His little sister. And he remained standing there. Just looking at her. He didn’t want to lose her. But he was going to. He tried not to think about it, because when he did he could feel his heart break. And he didn’t know how much more he could take. Broken since Henry died (barely healed after his father’s dead). Broken since Kit left. He couldn’t take another blow. But he was going to.

Luke stared at the glass of water. It was night. He couldn’t sleep. The story Mattie told him kept going trough his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. He just couldn’t. But mostly he couldn’t stop thinking about her. And his heart broke every time he thought of her. He was going to lose her. He didn’t want to lose her. He took a deep breath. Trying to calm himself down. Slowly he drank the water. Trying not to think of it.

Jack got up when he heard somebody pass his door. He wasn’t sleeping. His dad had told him about Henry and Kit. He sighed. He wondered how many blows the Hunters were going to receive. They did not deserve this. Nobody did. He walked out. Seeing his brother standing there it broke his heart. He looked so helpless. And there was nothing he could to about. All he could to was be there. And he hoped. He hoped that that was going to be enough.


Luke sat on the couch. Thinking. He wanted to cheer Mattie up. He loved it when she smiled. He wanted to help her. Even though he knew that there wasn’t much he could do. But there had to be something. Anything. The conversation about her list came to mind. Maybe he could do something about that. He saw his big brother walk into the room. And he smiled. That’s it.

‘Jack?’ He turned around to his little brother. He knew that voice. Luke only used it when he wanted something. ‘What?’ ‘Just wanted to talk to you about…’ Jack smiled. Unbelievable. ‘Just ask it.’ ‘What makes you think I want something?’ ‘Luke.’ ‘Fine. You know Mattie’s got this list of things she wants to do. And I wanted to help her with it.’ He nodded while pouring out his coffee. ‘And you know one of those things is dancing under the stars. So I wanted to help her. It’s just…Well…I can’t dance. And I was wondering if you could help me?’ Jack listened to Luke. He was listening so attentively he didn’t pay attention to how hot his coffee was. He took a sip. And screamed

‘AAAH!’ Luke jumped in the air. ‘What?’ ‘That damn coffee was hot. I burned my tong.’ Luke couldn’t help it. He laughed. ‘It‘s not funny Luke. Stop laughing.’ After jack drank a lot of water he calmed down. Still cursing the coffee he turned back to Luke. ‘So you were talking about dancing?’ ‘Yep.’ But he still couldn’t stop laughing. ‘Alright. I’ll help. We’ll see how’s laughing in a couple of minutes.’ Playfully Jack hit Luke’s shoulder.

20 minutes later

Jack laughed. He was trying to teach his little brother how to dance. But it wasn’t really going that well. Either Luke fell over his feet, stepped on his or managed to get them both lying on the ground. Well either Luke was hopeless or he was a lousy teacher. He hoped it was the first one. He sighed. This was going to take forever. But at least they were having fun. He hadn’t seen his little brother smile in a long time. And it felt good to see him laugh hard.

He tried to do what Jack told him to. Really he did. But it wasn’t really working. Maybe he just wasn’t built for dancing. He laughed as he fell on the ground. Great. Now he would never be able to dance with Mattie. Because lets face it falling on the ground in front of your girlfriend is embarrassing. And he didn’t want to go trough that. But he had to keep trying. He had to make her laugh. Maybe falling on the ground wasn’t such a bad idea after all..

Two hours later

He had thought all Luke needed was time to learn the steps. How wrong he was. Here they were two hours later. And he still couldn’t dance. Maybe he was just a lousy teacher. But Luke was determined to keep trying. He wanted to dance. And he had to admit it was fun. And if his little brother wanted to do this for Matilda he could at the very least help. Not that it was going good. But he could try.

Luke tried and tried. And he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t dance. It was simply impossible. Maybe he should just give up on this and try to do one of the other things on the list. The problem was he couldn’t really remember what the other things were. Just the dancing. So he tried again. He started to get it right…For about three seconds. He fell over his feet forwards and tumbled into Jack.

Jack thought he had it. He really did. But then he fell forwards. He tried to move but he wasn’t fast enough. He felt his little brother bump into him. Together they fell backwards. On the couch. Luke on top of Jack. Both laughing. He couldn’t believe it. This was ridiculous. Suddenly the door opened. He looked up. There was only one thing that could have made him laugh more. His girlfriend walking into this scene.

Martha opened the door. And froze. Jack and Luke on the couch. Laughing. Ok. Weird. She couldn’t help it she started to smile. ‘Ok. I don’t think I want to know.’ Jack pushed luke of him and went over to Martha. ‘I was teaching Luke how to dance.’ ‘By lying on the couch? You seem to misunderstand the concept of dancing. For one thing you have to be standing.’ She smiled. ‘Cute. We fell ok.’ ‘Ok. Little tip. If you fall down on the couch. You’re doing it wrong.’ ‘So you can do it better?’ ‘You bet I Can.’ ‘Prove it.’ ‘Fine. Luke want to learn how to dance?’

30 minutes later

Jack stood dumbfound at the scene in front of him. Unbelievable. She had done it! In 30 minutes she had learned Luke how to dance. Guess he was a lousy teacher after all. ‘No way.’ ‘Told you I could do it.’ ‘But..But…But..’ Martha smiled at his stuttering. Softly she placed a kiss on his lips. ‘Guess you’re not such a good teacher. Good thing you’re a cop.’ He smiled and pulled her closer to him. Capturing her lips for another kiss.

Luke smiled. He could do it! WOOHOO! He could dance. He looked up. He saw Jack and Martha kiss. And he smiled. He was happy for his brother. He shook his head. Why couldn’t he be so happy? Why did Mattie have to…he couldn’t say it. Not even in his head. It would make it to real. He looked at his brother again. At least he could dance now. That would make Mattie happy.

That night

She sat on the couch. Holding onto the pillow. She still couldn’t believe that Kit had just left like that. Just like that with no warning. She shook her head. A soft knock on the door made her look up. Her mom opened the door. Luke. She smiled. Her heart started to beat faster. ‘Hey.’ ‘Hey.’ He gave her a soft kiss. ‘Come on.’ He put out his hand. She looked at her mum. She didn’t like it when she went out at night. But her mum just smiled at her. Slowly she took his hand.

‘What are we doing here Luke?’ Luke had guided her all the way outside. Now they stood there. Under the stars. ‘Well you said you wanted to dance under the stars right?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well that’s what we’re going to do.’ Before she could say something she could here soft music starting in the background. She smiled. He took her hands and smiled to. There they were. Under the stars.

Every night in my dreams

I see you, I feel you

That is how I know you go on

Luke guided her. She never knew he could dance. She placed her head on his chest. She could hear his heart beat. This was perfect. Luke felt her lean agains his chest. And he smiled. He placed a soft kiss on her hair. And they danced.

Far across the distance

And spaces between us

You have come to show you go on

Jack smiled looking at his little brother. He looked so happy. They looked so perfect together. He turned around and smiled at Martha. Taking her hand he took her with him. Martha smiled as they started to dance. Softly he kissed her.

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on

Robbie smiled. He looked at his little sister. She looked so happy. And that’s what he wanted for her. He saw Tasha smile at him. And shook his head. ‘I’m not a dancer.’ ‘I’m sure you’re not that bad.’ ‘Trust me.’ ‘Please.’ She looked at him with puppy eyes. He couldn’t resist it. So they danced. With Robbie occasionally stepping on her toes.

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till we’re one

Tony stood next to beth as they watched the scene in front of them. Three couples dancing under the stars. And they looked so happy. Beth smile. It had been a long time since she had seen her daughter this happy. She loved it.

Love was when I loved you

One true time I hold to

In my live we’ll always go on

Mattie felt his heart beat. She had never felt so great or secure in her life. She smiled. This is what she had always wanted. Dance under the scar with the boy she loved.

Luke felt her close to him. And he smiled. This felt great. Thank God he had learned how to dance. It felt great. As if nothing could ever go wrong. He wanted it to last forever.

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you’re here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

And the three couples danced. Under the stars. It was a magical moment. A moment they wished could go on forever.

There is some love that will not go away

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear,

And i know that my heart will go on

We’ll stay forever this way

You are safe in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

Lyrics are from the song my heart will go on from Celine Dion.

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  • 1 year later...

Ok I know this story has been on hold for a long time. The thing is I had sort of lost my muze and I had no idea of how to continue I stopped writing. That combined with my school work caust me to actually sort of forget about this story. My muze however (at leas in this story) has decided to make a reapereance. So I'm gonna continue. I don't know if I will still have readers though. I hope I will.

Chapter 18 : the first scare

Matilda slept peacefully. There had never been a moment in her life when she had been happier. She wanted to sleep forever. Never wake up. She remembered everything about last night perfectly. How he had held her in his arms. How they had danced under the stars. It all seemed like a beautiful dream. And yet it had been real. She didn’t want to wake up to face the harsh reality. She just wanted to lie here forever, sleeping, dreaming of that one perfect moment.

Lucas stared at his ceiling. It seemed he had found a new way to pass his time. Staring at his ceiling. Thinking. Once not so very long ago he believed that staring at the ceiling for too long would be extremely boring. Instead he found it was oddly comforting. It was the one thing it seemed that would never chance. He remembered how he held her in his arms, he wishes he was still holding her. That he could hold her forever. He wanted to love her. And yet he also wanted to run. A small part of him, the part that was scared wanted to get away as far as possible. Scared to do or say the wrong thing. Scared to lose. Scared he wouldn’t be able to do it. Scared he wouldn’t be able to stand by her side.

Robbie stared a the empty glass in his hand. He didn’t know what to think. He couldn’t word what he was feeling. He knew that the love Luke felt for his little sister was real. He had no doubt about that. And he wanted Mattie to be happy, he truly did. But this feeling deep inside of him wouldn’t leave him alone. He wasn’t sure of what it was. Perhaps – jealousy? Maybe. He wanted her to be happy. And yet there was this part of him that wanted Luke to go away. He had already been robbed of two of his siblings. Soon the third would leave him to. And every second she was with Luke, was one she was not with him. Was it wrong to think this? Was it wrong to feel this? Was he being selfish? Or was this feeling perhaps normal?

She wished she could lie in her bed forever. But she knew it could not be. She had to get up eventually. Throwing the covers away she started to get up. It came so sudden that it overwhelmed her. Trying to remain calm she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It did not help. The world started to run faster and faster. A sudden pain made her double, trying to catch her breath. She had to get up. She had to get to Robbie. He would know what to do. She got up but her feet could not hold her. She fell down trying to catch get breath. She tasted something awful in her mouth. She closed her eyes.

The nausea she had been fighting overpowered her. She hoped that throwing up would help get rid of it. Instead it got worse. The room kept turning. And yet she knew she had to get up. She grabbed her bed and tried to pull herself up. So weak. She was so weak. She couldn’t do it. She simply couldn’t do it. She closed her eyes. And tried again. Finally she managed to get up on her feed. But she was so weak. Her legs would not be able to carry her very far. She took one step. Then another. Soon her legs gave away again. She fell on the ground. She tried to get up but she could not. The world around her started to darken. She tried to move but she couldn’t. Tried to scream but she couldn’t. She tried to get a hold of the happy feeling from last night. But she couldn’t. Then there was only darkness.

There was a soft knock on the door. At the other side Robbie leaned against it. Contemplating whether or not he should enter. She was probably still sleeping. Last night had been tiring. He should probably walk away and let her sleep. But he was worried. He was always worried. Instead he knocked on the door again, harder this time. He could always apologize if woke her up. If something was wrong and he walked away, he would never forgive himself. Still no answer came. Softly he pushed the door open. And there she was, his little sister, lying on the floor. For a second he didn’t react. Couldn’t react. He fell down on his knees and desperately tried to wake her up. She would not wake. He felt himself relax when he found her pulse. He screamed.

Beth heard her son scream and for a second she couldn’t move. Panic overtook her. She couldn’t lose her daughter, not her little girl. Not yet, it was too soon. She wasn’t ready. She knew she’ never be ready, but right now she definitely wasn’t. She found her son sitting on the ground with her daughter in his arms. She had to do something. Her brain didn’t seem to be working. She tried to breath but even that seemed to be to difficult.

Tony was making breakfast when he heard it. Sirens. Even though he wasn’t sure he could guess where they were going. From the look an both of his son’s faces, he wasn’t the only one who thought it. Matilda. Yesterday she had seemed fine. Happy, healthy even. But maybe it had been to much. Lucas was the first out the door, closely followed by his brother. Taking a deep breath Tony followed them. Praying to every God he knew that Matilda wouldn’t die. Not yet. His son wasn’t ready. Her family wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready.

Robbie held his little sister in his arms. Rocking her like a baby. He had a distant memory of doing this a long time ago. But Matilda was no longer a baby. She was a beautiful young women. Who should be enjoying life. With her friends, with her boyfriend. Not lying on the floor in her room. Hanging on to life. Fighting for her life. He held her close to his heart. Praying that this wasn’t the end. This couldn’t be the end. A hand on his shoulder made was the first thing to get trough to him.

Looking up he met a paramedic eyes. He hadn’t met this one yet. He seemed young, not much older than he was. Vaguely he wondered if he knew what he was doing. Part of him resisted the idea of letting go of his sister. And passing her over to somebody he didn’t know. But he had to. He stayed sitting there in the middle of the room. On his knees. He watched as they rolled his sister out of her room. And still he did not move.

He knew his mother would go with his sister. He knew where they were taking her. He knew he should get up and call Scott. He knew he should go to the hospital. But he could not move. He could barely breath. Suddenly he felt another hand on his shoulder. He had not heard anyone coming in and yet there was somebody by his side. Jack. He kept his hand on his shoulder and said something to him. One single word. ‘Breathe. Just breathe.’

Jack had watched his little brother run out of the house and he hadn’t even thought about it. He had followed him. They had arrived just as the paramedics went into the house. Beth seemed near hysterics. He watched as his dad tried to calm her down and almost succeeded. But then Matilda was rolled outside. At that moment he thought she was dead. If it had not been for the oxygen mask. He watched Beth get into the ambulance with her daughter and his dad take his brother in his arms.

It was then that he noticed that Robbie wasn’t there. It seemed weird to him, since Robbie was such a caring older brother. Without really thinking about it he went in the house. Looking in several rooms he finally located Robbie. Sitting on his knees in the middle of the room. Softly he walked to him and knelt down beside him. He could tell Robbie had not hear him come in. He seemed in shock. He was having trouble breathing. In that moment you realized that Robbie perhaps had the worst role of them all.

Robbie was the stronger older brother. The one Matilda looked up to. The one who Mattie leaned on. His older brother lived in France. His older sister wasn’t a great help. And his mother needed him to be strong, because she herself could not be strong. But Robbie couldn’t break down. He had to stay strong or he would take everything down. You place your hand on his shoulder. Robbie needed to lean on somebody. And even though you’d just met him. Even though you didn’t really know him. Even though you weren’t really that great of friends, you were determined to be that person. Or at least one of them.

He looks at you as if you’re a ghost. He didn’t hear you come in. Still it did not matter. You want to help him. You can not say you know what he’s feeling. Nor can you really imagine it. That does not mean however that you don’t want to help him. Nor that you know what to do or say. You place your hand on his shoulder and noticing he’s still having trouble breathing you whisper the first thing that comes to mind. ‘Breath. Just breathe.’ You watch as he starts taking deep breaths. You don’t know if he’ll break down and start crying. You don’t know what he’ll do. But you don’t walk away from him. You keep your hand on his shoulder and wait for him to collect himself.

She was back on the beach. This time she welcomed it. She welcomed the peace. She was happy that she didn’t feel anymore pain. She couldn’t feel anything but peace. She stared at the ocean. She watches as the waves softly crashed against the sand. She breathes easily. Suddenly she turns around. There he is, the same person as always. Only this time you recognize him instantly. Henry. She gets up and starts walking towards him….

A soft smile played on her lips. The beach suddenly started to disappear around her. Darkness started to overpower her. She wonders if this is perhaps the end. If this is where she dies. Where it all stops. There are no sounds. There is no light. Suddenly something breaks trough the darkness and the stillness. A beeping sound. It takes you a while to recognize it. Then you know what it is. It is you heart. The darkness around you becomes lighter. And you know that this is not the end.

You open your eyes. And first you don’t see much. Everything is blurry. But slowly you start to recognize where you are. The hospital. You hate the hospital. You don’t want to be in the hospital. You’re not alone. Somebody takes your hand and softly whispers your name. Luke.

Luke had been sitting by her side for hours. Beth and Robbie had been there to but currently Beth was talking to the doctor. Robbie went to get coffee. He had never felt so relieved as when he watched her open her eyes. ‘Mattie.’ ‘Luke.’ He smiles softly. Surely everything would be okay now. Mattie would go home and everything would be as it was before. Softly he places a kiss on her forehead. Then he walks out of the room to go and get her family.

Not knowing that the road they were on was a long and hard one. Deniying to himself (and the world) that the path they were walking would only get worse. That Matilda would get sicker over time, not healthier. Until eventually she would die. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t admit that to himself. Instead he holds Mattie’s hand Lying to himself the entire way.

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Yeah I know, I've been gone from the home and away fanfiction world for a while. But now I'm back. There's no Luke mattie in this chapter however. I just wanted one chapter in this fanfiction where Robbie and Matilda spend some time together. This seemed the time to accomplish that.

Glad to see I've still got readers.

Chapter 19: Driving lessons

Matilda was convinced she was going to die. Not tomorrow, not next week. Not in a couple of months. Oh not. Right now. And it wasn’t the cancer that was going to kill her. Oh no. It wasn’t that. It was Robbie. Robbie Hunter, her big brother, was going to be the end of her. And all because she wanted to learn how to drive. In retrospective asking Robbie to teach her wasn’t such a good idea.

It had seemed like such a good idea when she woke up this morning. She had been out of the hospital for a whole week and she wanted to live again. She understood why her family and Luke were so worried about her. But she just wanted to live. She wanted to do something. So when she glanced out of the window and saw the car an idea hit her. Why not learn how to drive?

If she hadn’t seen a problem with that this morning she saw it now. Sure it had been a good idea. A great one even. But she probably should have waited for her mom to come home. Or asked Tony. Hell she could have asked Jack if she had waited. But she didn’t want to wait. She wanted to get out of the house that second. And Robbie was the only one there.

And now she was going to die. She was going to die because she was stupid enough to get in the car with Robbie. Silently she sent a prayer up to heaven. She really wasn’t ready to die. Robbie was trying. He really was. He just wasn’t a master behind the weal. Especially since he also had to explain it to her. But she couldn’t take the question back once she saw the look on his face.

He tried to explain it to her. He really did. He wanted her to understand it. He just couldn’t explain it. He wasn’t a mastermind. But he wanted to try. It seemed like the perfect way to spend time with her. Perhaps driving hadn’t been such a good idea. Her driving the car would have probably been safer. But he hadn’t seen her so happy since she came back from the hospital. And he couldn’t say no to her.

They had been driving for what seemed like hours. He was still trying to teach her. But it didn’t seem like she was listening to him. Not that he blamed her. He wasn’t really telling her anything new or interesting. She smiled at him. He was going to miss this. In the future when she was gone he was going to miss these moments. These simple moments where she just looked at him and smiles. Smiles as if she is the happiest person on the earth. Smile as if she is in control of her life. And maybe someway, somehow, she is.

Matilda feels great. She feels happy. It’s almost as if she isn’t sick at all. Just spending a day out with her brother (and ok she could have probably picked a better pass time) but still. She knew the feeling wouldn’t last. She knew that soon she would remember the truth. But for now they almost seemed normal. Just two kids having some fun. It almost seemed as if it was going to end well. As if nothing was going to go wrong. And then there was a kangaroo.

He didn’t mean to look away from the road. He really didn’t. It wasn’t for more than a second. Nothing more. He smiled and looked at Matilda. And in that instant she looks ahead and suddenly her eyes got big. For a fraction of a second you thought she was feeling sick. But she wasn’t. Oh no. It was far worse. ‘Watch it Robbie!!!!!!!!!!!!’ You see the Roo at the last minute and swerve to avoid it. To bad there was not enough road to stay on.

It was silent after you crashed the car. Almost to silent. Robbie opens his eyes and looks around. Everything seems alright. His car is just fine. He’s fine. He looks around at Matilda and sees her sitting her head between her legs. She’s holding onto her side pretty tightly. Fear grips your heart. For a second you think you’ve hurt her. That this is it. You’re almost paralyzed with fear. You reach out to her and want to ask her if she’s alright when you hear something. It’s something you’ve been hearing since you opened your eyes but it hasn’t really registered till now. She’s laughing.

She can’t believe it. She goes out to learn how to drive by her big brother. And she’s driven off the road by a kangaroo. Only Robbie can manage to do that. And manage to get them trough it completely unscratched. She bends forward and starts to laugh. Uncontrollably. She just laughs. She’s laughing so hard she’s actually having trouble breathing. She grabs her side and immediately realizes her brother will probably get worried. But she can’t seem to control herself. Nor stop laughing.

He picks up almost immediately. She’s laughing. With him. He has to admit it’s pretty funny. But still. He can’t stop grinning though. Her laughter and happiness is contagious. And he realizes, he doesn’t know how long they have left. And he can stay worried about that. Worried about her and if she’s alright. And they can keep her locked in the house and try to keep her safe. But it won’t help her. She’s already been given a dead line (so to speak.) All they can really do is try to accept it. And grab every moment they can and live it. Laugh uncontrollably. Swim in the ocean. Just spend as much time together as they possibly can. Because not long from now those moments will be the only thing they have left. And he knows it won’t be easy. But she wants to live. And he wants to remember her like this. Happy and carefree sitting in a car and laughing. Instead of locked up in a house, sitting on a couch all day.

She hears him laughing and looks up. The truth is it’s been a long time since they have just done this. Hung out together. As if nothing was wrong. And sure they haven’t had it easy. And they know it will end soon. There is no use in telling themselves other things. And yes she loves Luke and wants to spend every living moment with him. And in another time, in another life she might do just that. But this is her life. And she has to accept it. And right now what she wants the most is this. Happy moments with her brother. So she laughs. And he laughs to. And for now that is all they need.

They can’t laugh forever. At some point they had to stop. But as he helps his little sister out of the car he can’t help but smile at her. They both got out of the car crash unscratched. It’s almost like a miracle. And maybe it was. But now they were faced with another problem. How were they going to get back home? Neither of them had brought their cell phone. And there was no way they could move the car back to the road. Realizing this they both started to laugh uncontrollably again.

Eventually they opted for walking. Sure he realized it probably wasn’t the best idea to go walking with a sick person. But it was the only option they had. He figured he could always carry her on his back if she got to tired. For now she seemed okay though.

She smiles. She’s getting a little tired but she’ll be fine for a little while longer. She knows her brother is ready to carry her whenever she asks but she just wants to walk the miles she still can on her own. She looks over at her brother and realizes something. Yeah, in retrospective asking her brother to learn her how to drive hadn’t been the best idea she ever had. It really hadn’t been. He wasn’t a great driver, and not a great teacher. In fact she was no closer to being able to drive then she had been this morning.

But asking her brother to learn her how to drive had given her something else instead. A wonderful day. Just spend together. Laughing and joking and just having fun. Just living. They had spend a great day together and she wouldn’t give it back for the world.

She just knew one thing for sure though. She was never getting in a car with Robbie Hunter again.

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Chapter 20: Skinny dipping

Matilda Hunter couldn’t stop laughing anymore. After walking for hours (alright it really wasn’t hours. It just felt like it was) they finally arrived home. That’s where Robbie suddenly realized that he’d left his glasses in the car. How he didn’t notice this before is beyond her. But she felt really sorry for him. Because after realizing that he had to tell mom. Poor poor Robbie. But the look on his face when her mom was screaming at him was just too much. She went over the edge again. Laughing uncontrollably. It was her laughter however that probably saved Robbie from punishment.

He couldn’t believe it. He really couldn’t. The first thing he does today is crash the car. Then on the way home he gets lost. He didn’t tell Mattie this. He didn’t think she needed to know. It’s not like she noticed anyway. Or at least that’s what he hopes. Then he realizes his glasses are missing. And on top of all that his mom arrives home. Before he can actually figure out what he’s going to tell her. He knew (though Mattie might not) that it was not the fact that he crashed her car that made her so angry. It was the fact that he brought Mattie in danger. It was the memory of another car crash not so long ago… He’s just glad Mattie didn’t look at it that way. When her laughter fills the room he watches his mother relax. Maybe it will al turn out alright.

Luke listened as Mattie told him what happened with Robbie. He loves seeing her so happy. So care free. So full of live. But deep inside he feels jealousy come up. She spend the day with Robbie and not with you. But you’re never going to say that out loud. You’re not even going to acknowledge to yourself you’re feeling this. You’re having trouble keeping up with Mattie though. She’s walking so fast. And you don’t even know where you’re going. Well you’re sure you’ll find out soon enough.

Mattie looks around as she finally arrives where she wants to be. It’s just as beautiful as Cassie told her it would be. There’s nobody around anyway. You turn around and look at Luke. You don’t know where you got this idea from or why you’re even thinking of doing this. You hope this will make you feel more alive. You hope this will make him relax some more. You don’t really care. You pull your shirt off and start to take off your trousers. This is your life. And you are going to do what you want to do.

Jack stares at the sea as he thinks of things. He thinks of his little brother being so strong. He thinks of Robbie and tries to figure out if he can do something. Say something that might help him. Martha smiles at him and he thinks he’s the lucky one. And he just wishes there was something he could do for Robbie. He wishes there was something he could do for his little brother. But there is nothing he can do. Instead he smiles at Martha and captures her lips in a perfect kiss. He’s happy. He just wishes he could stop feeling guilty about it.

‘I can’t believe this happened.’ Beth sat at the kitchen table talking to Tony. It seemed like she had been doing this a lot lately. Just talking to Tony. He was a good listener. He was a good friend. He listened to her while she talked and talked about everything she had lost and he never said anything about it. Never did anything wrong. Okay right now he is laughing. If it hadn’t been her sick daughter in the car, if it hadn’t been for her dead son, she might have found it funny to.

‘He got run off the road by a kangaroo?’ ‘That is not the point. The point is he brought Matilda in danger.’ Tony sighs and looks at Beth. He gets where she’s coming from he does. He wishes there was someway he could help but there is not. ‘But she didn’t get hurt. It’s not like he was trying to either. He was trying to help her. And from the sound of it they had a great day.’ She just looks at him. So beautiful. So broken. She has been trough so much, but she still looks strong. Before he knows what he’s doing. Before he can really think about it he leans forward and kisses her.

Luke froze. He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. Mattie, his girlfriend, was stripping naked in front of him. And he didn’t understand why. Nor did he know what to do now. Should he look? Should he not? Did she want him to? He turned bright red and turned around. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ ‘Taking my clothes off. I thought that was obvious.’ She laughs a little. You can’t believe she is doing this to you. ‘No I mean why?’ ‘Number 14.’ ‘What’s number 14?’

She smiles at the look on his face. Frozen in astonishment. He wasn’t expecting this. Not that you wanted him to. The look on his face is so cute though. He turns around but you don’t care. ‘Number 14. Go skinny dipping.’ Finally being released of all your clothes you jump in the water. You turn back to where you came from and he’s still standing there. With his back to you. ‘Aren’t you coming?’ ‘No. I’m fine right here.’ You smile. ‘Come on Please? Pretty please?’ He just shakes his head. You’ll convince him somehow. You just don’t really know how.

Robbie sat on the beach. Just staring at the ocean. Watching as the waves softly hit the sand. It was almost hypnotizing. His mind was racing a hundred miles per hour. Thoughts kept going round and round in his head. Scenarios of what could have happened keep coming up. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down. But he can’t. Thoughts of what could have happened, of what will happen someday run trough his mind. And all he feels right now is a paralyzing fear. Fear of what could have happened. Fear of what is to come.

Tasha sits down next to Robbie. She doesn’t say a word. She knows that there is nothing to say. She can’t say anything that could make things easier for him. Nor can she help Matilda in anyway. She doesn’t know what the right thing is to say. She doesn’t know if there is a right thing to say. The only thing she can do is sit next to him. Take him in her arms and just be with him. By his side. It’s all she can do. And she hopes it is enough. Somehow it is. But somehow it also isn’t. He needs more. But she can’t give him more. The only thing she can do is sit next to him on the beach. Watching as the waves softly hit the sand.

He couldn’t believe he was actually doing this. If his brother Jack ever found out he was dead. He would never be able to live this down. The teasing would be horrible. Nevertheless he strips naked and jumps in the water behind him. It’s freezing. She splatters water at him and just smiles innocently. She’s going to pay for this.

And together they play in the water. Spending the most relaxed time together. There is no thinking about protecting Matilda. Nor being careful. There is no trying to make everything perfect. Nor the thought in the background of what could happen. There is just the two of them. Having the time of their life.

And it almost seems as if time will stop. As if the moment will go on forever and never end. As if the two of you will stay in the water forever. Just being happy.

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