nanook Posted June 28, 2007 Report Posted June 28, 2007 TITLE-TO FEAL SAFE TOPIC DESCRIPTION-MARTHA RETURNS HOME AFTER 7 YEARS AWAY HIDING A DARK SECRET TYPE OF STORY-LONG FICTION RATING-A(VD) MAIN CHARACTERS MARTHA,JACK,ALF,SALLY ETC GENRE-A MIXTURE WARNINGS-MAY CONTAIN VIOLENCE IS STORY PROOF READ- YES BY -KIRST- SUMMARY-AFTER 7 YEARS AWAY MARTHA DECIDES TO VISIT HER GRANDAD NOT KNOWING THAT TROUBLE AND ROMANCE WILL FOLLOW. PART 1 Martha sat stairing at the house for the first time in 4 years martha felt safe just by knowing that inside that house were her family who loved and cared for her who wouldn't make her feel ashamed or frightend or worthless not like he did no one made her feel the way he did but she was free know she hoped ."It's now or never " martha said as she walked towards the caravan park. "Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday to pippa happy bithday to you"every one suddenly stopped "martha" alf shouted as he ran towards hes grandaughter "what are you doing here every one this is martha roos daughter and my grandaughter struff u've grown you were only 15 last time i saw you now youve turned into a beautiful young lady come here give me a hug"martha backed off alittle shaken by her grandads quick move towards her "so are you not gonna introduce me "martha said pointing to the people behind alf trying to hide her shaking hand bye her side."Oh gosh of course you have never met martha this is sally she lives here i think of her as a daughter "hi nice to meet you a pretty dark haired lady said she had a sweet smile martha thought made her feel safe and this is her daughter pippa "hello its my bithday" really martha said to the pretty little girl i hope you have made lots of wishes " i have replied the little girl " good said martha hold onto them. This is rick alf said carrying on pointing to a young lad about 18 and cassie a young girl about the same age as rick their sallys adoppted children . It had been nearly2 hours now since martha had entered the caravan park every one was so nice and her grandad seemed so happy to see her again she wondered why she didn't return sooner "martha"martha looked up it was sally stairing at her with the sweet smile you will be sharing with cassie do you want me to show you " yes thank you martha replied as she followed sally i think im gonna have an early night martha said to sally as she was about to go back down stairs "ok" sally replied "just shout if you need any thing".Martha felt guilty for lying but she couldn't tell them the real reason she had come she felt to ashamed and scared.
nanook Posted July 3, 2007 Report Posted July 3, 2007 hey every one this is my first attempt at writing a fan fiction so i would really appreciate any comments or suggestions to how i could improve thank you .
vale4eva Posted July 3, 2007 Report Posted July 3, 2007 Hi I just thought I would give you a few pointers. I dont want this to come out harsh or patronising though so please dont take it the wrong way Maybe if you included better punctuation, because without the use of commas the story is very hard to follow. Also by splitting the story into more paragraphs, it wont apear so bunched up Hope that helps Its always hard when your starting out though, im not exactly a pro myself lol I like the idea of the story though, plus its Martha and Jack, so whats not to like Rachel xxx
Cerise Posted July 3, 2007 Report Posted July 3, 2007 Other than that you could get yourself a Proof-Reader as SPAG (Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar) is important
beckyboo Posted July 3, 2007 Report Posted July 3, 2007 I agree with Kat and Rach! But other than that it sounds fab Another JM fic
nanook Posted July 3, 2007 Report Posted July 3, 2007 PART 2 It was about 11 when martha woke the next morning. As she made her way down stairs she could hear alf "i don't know but something dosn't seem rite with her she dosn't seem her self" it has been quite a while since you have seen her another voice said martha guessed it was rick maybe shes just nervous."Hey every one" martha said as she entered the room "oh martha your awake do you want some breakfast "sally asked "no" martha replied " i thought i might go for a run check out how the bay has changed thanks any way"martha quickley made her exit "i told you " alf said "something dosn't seem rite". As martha reached the beach she stopped and staired at the beautiful view she'd forgot how beautiful it was she made her way down to the sea slipped off her trainers and began walking across the seas edge.Lost in thought martha walked staight in to someone "oh sorry "martha said as she looked up it was a guy in hes earley 20's really handsome with short brown hair "that's ok" tha guy replied "must be my lucky day im jack" he held hes hand out towards martha "i,m martha " martha shocked her self by how easy she found it to take hes hand for some reason it felt safe. "So are you knew around here i havn't seen you before" jack asked "kinda " martha said smiling "im here visiting my grandad alf" "alf stuart " jack replied "wow hes your grandad cool so i guess youl be staying for a while" jack said with a grin on hes face "maybe martha replied " "hey jack" a kid with blond hair futher up the beach called " i have to go now but maybe we can go for a drink some time " jack said as he stared to run off towards the young lad. Wow martha thought to her self he was cute she giggled to her self inside it shocked her as it was the first time she'd smiled to her self in years maybe things are looking up for me martha thought to her self and carried on strolling along the beach.
Cerise Posted July 3, 2007 Report Posted July 3, 2007 http://backtothebay.com/forum/index.php?sh...ic=21173&hl You fill in the Proof Readers Form that you find in the top post ^^ there and post it in the Thread. Alternatly you could just PM me your Chapters and I'd be happy to help
nanook Posted July 4, 2007 Report Posted July 4, 2007 Thanx kirst i might take you up on that offer when i write my next chapter thank you for the help
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