I love music Posted January 6, 2007 Report Share Posted January 6, 2007 He had heard the talk in the hallways; the interns and nurses trying to avoid getting his room on their list. No one wanted to be there, they felt uncomfortable, some even scared, and no one knew how to react when he was talking. Amazing touch of realism there, Eli. Well done! Eric Dalby was probably not aware of it, but he answered a lot of the questions the psychologist asked. – Just not during their sessions... I liked that. Great insight! “I loved him!” Dalby burst out, shocked to realise he was starting to cry. Definitely the best line in this chapter because it’s so unexpected and makes you realise exactly how confused Dalby is. The fact you left it till almost the last line of the chapter made it all the more dramatic. Can I give you some advice tho? Next time you have a very dramatic moment, make it the last line. Always leave your readers catching their breath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted January 6, 2007 Report Share Posted January 6, 2007 Thanks for all the nice reviews everyone ILM: Actually it was on purpose that I didn't put that line as the last line. Not only do I feel like I have had dramatic endings like that on very many chapters now, but also it was because that actually happened in an episode (the line shocked me when it first came, so I know what you mean!) so it really wouldn't be that breathtaking for the readers who have seen the episode and knew what was about to happen. And also I wanted to end with the conclusion that Flynn cared because I have used that as kind of a point I keep getting back to through the entire story. The paragraps (and this chapter and fic in general) focuses very much on Dalby trusting Flynn and wondering if he has given up, so I wanted it to end with Dalby realising he maybe hasn't given up yet. emmasi: It's not just a happy accident anymore, but it was. I can see that when I'm re-reading, because I started out like I usually do when I write fics like this: I have a storyline that really happened and then I change it while I'm digging deeper in to it along the way. The main difference you can see from where it wasn't planned and where I started focusing on his different feelings and how he acts around different people is which name I use. I hate myself for not thinking about it when I started to write this fic, because in the first chapters I refer to him as "Ric" no matter what situation (not in quotes from Owen, where I thankgod wrote "Eric") but in the later chapters you might have noticed that when it's what presently going on he's Ric, and when it's past he's either Eric or Dalby, like it originally was. I also hate myself for not being more careful with use of italics and paragraphs in all chapters, but I don't wanna go back and change all that now, that's just gonna mess up. At the moment I'm thinking one more chapter (but it could be two). As I have enjoyed writing this fic I'm thinking of writing more fics about this part of Ric's life, including one going deeper in to his life at home, so look out for oneshots and long fics about Ric and his life when this one is finished Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynhay Posted January 7, 2007 Report Share Posted January 7, 2007 Sounds great, I really wish they had done more about Ric's past on the show, he just seemed to be over everything so quickly. It will be great to read some more about his past and his feelings. You're a really talented writer - looking forward to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted January 8, 2007 Report Share Posted January 8, 2007 Still great, Eli. I really like reading about the inside to Ric/Dalby. Your recreation of the Dalby-Flynn relationship is great. I don't know if you are going to cover it but I always wondered what really went on after he ran away to the city. We got a little insight when Callan was around, but not a lot. Anyways, back on your fic...I really like where you have gone with it and can't wait to read more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted January 8, 2007 Report Share Posted January 8, 2007 Thanks for the comments Still great, Eli. I really like reading about the inside to Ric/Dalby. Your recreation of the Dalby-Flynn relationship is great. I don't know if you are going to cover it but I always wondered what really went on after he ran away to the city. We got a little insight when Callan was around, but not a lot. Anyways, back on your fic...I really like where you have gone with it and can't wait to read more. I don't think getting into that storyline in this fic would be a good idea as I haven't seen it yet, and hove absolutely no clue what it's about But if I like it, I will probably make something on it later. I love writing about Ric, he and Jade is like my favourite characters (not counting VJ and Pippa as their characters as I write them is completely made up) to write about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynhay Posted January 10, 2007 Report Share Posted January 10, 2007 Brilliant, your writing is fantastic - I'm really choked reading it. You capture what I think Dalby's feelings at the time would have been. Can't wait to read more and your new fan fics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmasi Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 a lot of people in Yabbie Creek knew him from when he used to hang out in the dark backstreets. Some even blamed him for the death of a young girl some time ago Is that true? If so, what happened? Another great chapter, btw. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 Thanks a lot of people in Yabbie Creek knew him from when he used to hang out in the dark backstreets. Some even blamed him for the death of a young girl some time ago Is that true? If so, what happened? Another great chapter, btw. I didin't really happen on Home&Away, but we never got to hear that much about his past, so why not? An explanation of this will come in my new fic, but I can't tell too much... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmasi Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 That's cool. I just wondered if it was something I'd forgotten. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 Good chapter, Eli, but hope you don’t mind some constructive criticism. Be careful of too much introspection. You have Ric thinking a bit too much now and you need to balance that out with more drama. (Or you could split the Ric/Flynn conversations between chapters.) He knew the streets in Yabbie Creek, but even though that seemed like his first choice he decided to go to the City. The safest thing was to roam the streets in the City, stay different places and don’t talk to anyone. The first night was pretty horrible, and so was the second. But the pain would go away soon, wouldn’t it? Even though his chest was screaming from the pain of the broken ribs, and his shoulder was still in a pretty bad shape he crawled into some old storage boxes outside a sushi restaurant and forced himself to sleep there. See this was good, but I’d like to have known more. Why was the first night horrible? Who did he see? What happened? He was constantly scared of someone finding him, and all his injuries didn’t seem to get any better. No, he would have been terrified. I picture him hearing people walking past (probably drunk), maybe somebody deliberately banging on the box (use ideas from homeless people’s actual experiences), maybe it starts to rain etc... Some even blamed him for the death of a young girl some time ago, and Dalby knew they would do anything to send him to the slammer if they found out the police was looking for him. But that was very intriguing! All Flynn knew was that somewhere out there a scared, lonely and confused boy pretending to be tougher than he really was, was hiding from his life. Great line and a very skilful ending to the chapter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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