Tiegan Posted January 4, 2007 Report Share Posted January 4, 2007 Great chapter I'm guessing the man is Vinnie? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skykat Posted January 5, 2007 Report Share Posted January 5, 2007 Eli I'm sorry I promised to read this and I completely forgot. In fairness I have been on holiday but still...appologies. I've caught up now, intriguing stuff. I thought it was Vinnie in the first story and I'm certain its him now. It's an interesting idea I mean Leah knows Vinnie is not dead, surely she's bound to tell VJ so Vinnie couldn't stay in witness protection forever. Great to see it being explored. As ILM says your dialogue is wonderful and your description. You're taking on a difficult task making us believe in characters we don't know but I reckon you're doing a pretty good job. Look forward to more soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SfanS Posted January 5, 2007 Report Share Posted January 5, 2007 I kind of feel sorry ofr VJ, being the only teen boy with another 3 or 4 girls around!! But Pippa didn’t want to talk, instead she walked straight up to DeAnna and slapped her across the face. ”For stealing my boyfriend,” she said, staring at the shocked DeAnna, before turning around and marching out of the diner again. I had this total mental picture going! ...on top of all the things already going on the cappuccino-machine chose that moment to produce foam like a jacuzzi filled with bath-foam, causing a sticky mess all over the floor before Alex was brave enough to make a jump over the foam and pull out the plug to make it stop. EDIT:Trying to follow guidelines of reviews instead of just saying 'update soon' but did I just end up repeating myself...? Like ILM said, that was a great description....turning it into a cuppuccino flood! I must say, my mental pic was a little...extreme. A sea of Coffee flooding the diner so all the chairs were floating? Now THAT would be hard to film! LOL Seeing as there was a lot of original characters when I read the beginning of your first one, I wasn't too keen, but I'm glad I took the time to read this because you're a really great writer! It's not as much dialogue as it is description, which is great (my teacher once told me off for TOO much dialogue!) and it's even better the WAY you describe things, so that, even though we don't know what people like Alex and Wendy look like, you still describe the moments making us WANT to imagine us.... When you write how do YOU picture Alex and Wendy, out of curiosity? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skykat Posted January 5, 2007 Report Share Posted January 5, 2007 SfanS I don't think you repeated yourself at all. Thanks for making an effort with the detailed reviews. I'm sure Eli will appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SfanS Posted January 5, 2007 Report Share Posted January 5, 2007 Aw, thank-you. Oh good. I have a habit of repeating myself. You can call me Sarah. I just invited myself to call you Kat, though. I ndidn't think you'd mind...do you? LOL, I only did it to be Eli's friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted January 5, 2007 Report Share Posted January 5, 2007 Thank you so much for the reviews, they are very much appreciated! VJ is actually in his early twenties, but still surrounded by teenage girls I had more guys in "The next moves..." But as the main characters are Pippa and VJ there was no need for them. There are more guys their age in the Bay, but they are not that important to the story I picture Wendy with golden brown and curly hair, and Alex has straight blonde hair and freckles in my head And I'm so glad you figured out who "the man" was. You are supposed to have figured it out by yourselves by now, so when no one commented it I got a bit scared I wasn't hinting good enough. I wanted to have him back because as you said that can cause a lot of problems. Leah has of course told VJ the truth, but that doesn't necessarily mean he agrees with her about what he did... And speaking of returns; ILM I'm glad you liked the return of DeAnna Phillips. You will get to see lots more of her soon, as goes for Pippa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zetti Posted January 5, 2007 Report Share Posted January 5, 2007 Hey it is really good and keep up the good work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted January 6, 2007 Report Share Posted January 6, 2007 Thanks I couldn't wait with the update any longer Please leave some nice comments and reviews for me, you know they make me happy Chapter 3 – Latté with extra foam In Perth there used to be a small, private business school teaching its students how to run their business without letting emotions interfere. When you graduated from Johnson’s Business and management academy you knew how to handle employees who didn’t do their job, but without crossing the line. Ten years ago it turned out old Johnson himself hadn’t been so good at handling his own business. Johnson’s business and management academy was closed due to economy problems, and Johnson and his family moved to Hobart. But the way of handling business and economy lived on through all the graduated students who were no spread all around the world. Stephen Lawrence was in the graduated class of ’99, and still he knew the school’s business policy by heart. So maybe VJ had some personal problems right now, but he still had to do what he was supposed to do when he was in charge of the business. The speech caused a ten minutes delay before they could open the diner, and that got Stephen in a bad mood. He had told himself not to take it out on VJ today, he had been through enough already today with the speech, and Stephen had a feeling there would be more problems for him right around the corner, considering they hadn’t quite figured out what caused the massive foam-production of the cappuccino machine last night. Wendy and Alex were both in school so it was just Stephen in the kitchen and VJ and Tina serving the customers. Tina had been working late last night and knew about the cappuccino machine, and as a woman with respect for herself she didn’t want to scrub floors all morning, so she was quick to start taking orders out on the porch. It didn’t take long before Stephen’s concerns were confirmed: they definitely needed to invest in a new cappuccino machine unless they wanted to serve coffee by using a ladle to get the foam off the floor. All over VJ wasn’t in a very good mood when it got to lunch break. And to make it even worse, his last customer before the break was no other than Pippa Saunders. She didn’t even look at him when she ordered, and she left as soon as she got her coffee, not leaving any tips. Because he didn’t feel like drinking his usual latté with extra foam after what happened yesterday VJ decided to make himself a cappuccino. Could this day get any worse? The question was answered when VJ realised he had forgotten about the broken cappuccino machine... He quickly unplugged it and left without anything to drink or eat at all in case Stephen came back and saw the mess. Cleaning foam was more than he could take right now. Somehow seeing Pippa made VJ think about him. It was probably because now that he was broken up with DeAnna he didn’t have anyone to talk to. And just when he was wondering if it would ever be possible for him to work things out with Pippa he could hear someone walking up to him from behind. He knew who it was. ”How many times do I have to tell you,” VJ said, barely moving his mouth because his jaws felt stiff from being so annoyed, ”I don’t want to see you!” ”Are you really sure?” he asked. ”Yes I am,” VJ replied, but with a weird feeling. He partly wanted him to go back where he came from and never come back, partly he wanted him to be here. His life wasn’t exactly fun at the moment. Wendy didn’t even speak to him because she thought they were going to the new years dance together, Pippa was mad because of DeAnna, who he had just broken up with, his boss thought he was irresponsible and he had to deal with a cappuccino-machine that spat out foam like it was some kind of foam party right there behind the counter. He didn’t really have anyone right now, and life could have been better. I just thought you’d maybe have some questions,” he said, shrugging. ”No I don’t,” VJ replied, ”You came back after abandoning us, and now you expect everything to be okay, that’s pretty much all I need to know.” ”I don’t expect everything to be the same,” he said, ”I just want to know you now that I have the opportunity.” ”How do you know that you have that opportunity?” VJ said, and he actually turned around to look at him now. ”I was hoping you would... at least give me a chance...” he sounded sad. ”Things are a lot different now, okay?” VJ said, he didn’t mean to sound as angry as he did. ”I know,” he replied, ”The last time I saw you, you were four feet tall, dressed as super-man and tugging out chunks of my bear-costume because you were excited.” VJ hated the way he made him want to laugh. Exactly the same kind of humor... ”I need time to think about this,” he said, wondering whether to hate or love himself for even considering getting to know him. ”Thanks,” he said, and VJ could hear he really meant it, ”I appreciate that.” Then he left without another word. VJ didn’t get back to work, now way he would give in for temptation and get a latté with extra foam. He had decided to hate that drink for now, and using another foam-producing coffee machine didn’t seem like a very good idea either. Johannah would be moving in tomorrow, and the Fletcher/Carson house was shiny and clean wherever you looked. Sally had spent the last couple of days cleaning and tidying up so everything would be ready. After scrubbing the ceiling all day she decided she could use a break. Richard was still at work, and Pippa was out with Mary, so she locked the door and went for a walk at the beach. She wondered how it would be having Johannah in the house. Well, nothing could go wrong that she hadn’t already experienced with one of the other kids. She remembered how Ric had gotten drunk and engaged after graduation, how Cassie had spent all her money on one jacket, and how Lauren had ran off five times within one month. Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted when she saw a man standing down by the water. He looked so familiar... ”No swimming further out than the flags!” Vinnie Patterson shouted, ”And if ya’ don’t listen this time you have to leave the beach!” He looked so handsome with his tan and toned body. He was serious when he was working, after all being a lifeguard was an important job, but at the same time Sally knew he enjoyed having the power to tell people what to do. She just stared at him for a long time. She would never ever forget the silhouette of him laughing, staring out at the ocean... No. It couldn’t be. Sally forced herself to accept that she was wrong. ...But yet she couldn’t stop staring at him. Suddenly he turned around, and Sally hurried to look down so he wouldn’t see that she had been looking. She started walking again, trying to pretend she hadn’t stopped. ”Hey...!” he shouted from behind her, and Sally froze. No, it was impossible. He probably didn’t know her, he just wanted to know why she had been staring... He had no idea... ”Sally? Is that you?” She turned around and looked at him. She was sure now. ”Yes,” she said, happy but confused, ”I am.” ”Mum, guess what,” Pippa said, sounding like an eight-year old with a big surprise lined up when Sally opened the door, ”I talked to Alex, and she says VJ is in big trouble with Stephen because he’s been skipping work!” Sally closed the door behind her. ”VJ made a mistake, don’t make fun of every little mistake he does,” she said. Pippa stared at her like she was wondering if Sally was crazy. ”Why not?” she said, sounding like her mother just had cancelled Christmas. ”He’s having a hard time, there’s a lot going on in his life right now,” Sally replied. Straight away it hit her how concerned Pippa looked, she definitely still cared about VJ. ”What kind of stuff?” Sally took a deep breath. ”His father is back in town,” she said. ”No, he can’t be, he’s dead!” Pippa said, reacting just like Sally had done. ”It’s a long story, and I don’t really know the details,” Sally said, ”But I just ran in to him at the beach, and he told me about VJ.” Pippa stared at her mother. It wasn’t April fool’s day for almost another two months, so that had to mean Sally was either losing her mind or actually telling the truth. ”Are you sure?” Pippa asked, almost whispering because she couldn’t help thinking about how VJ must be feeling. Sally nodded. ”Yes, I’m sure,” she said, ”The V-Man is back.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SfanS Posted January 7, 2007 Report Share Posted January 7, 2007 and Alex has straight blonde hair and freckles in my head Oh good! Me too. ”The V-Man is back.” YAYYYYY!!! LOL...that just sounds funny, the V-man is back...sigh. Can I ask a dumb question? Is there an evil person in here? Because I can't make u[ my mind about DeAnna and Wendy.... Sorry if that sounds stupid. ”No swimming further out than the flags!” Vinnie Patterson shouted, ”And if ya’ don’t listen this time you have to leave the beach!” He looked so handsome with his tan and toned body. He was serious when he was working, after all being a lifeguard was an important job, but at the same time Sally knew he enjoyed having the power to tell people what to do. She just stared at him for a long time. She would never ever forget the silhouette of him laughing, staring out at the ocean... THat was my favourite bit of the whole chapter....it was so well writteñ!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted January 7, 2007 Report Share Posted January 7, 2007 Thanks I wouldn't say there's an evil person... I mean, DeAnna is kind of a love/hate person but as you don't know her story yet I don't want to say too much about her. That goes for Wendy too, she's a pretty normal teenage girl, but she can do stupid things. I think it's really up to each and every one to decide who they like or not. I would understand if someone hates VJ for example after what he did to Pippa, but then again you might hate Pippa because of what she did to Wallace and VJ, and so goes for all the other characters. It depends how you look at it and which characters you like who becomes the "mean characters". And don't worry, it didn't sond stupid at all! I can't believe anyone liked that flashback-part, I think it was terribly bad written, and probably the worst part of this fic (so far) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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