No Return

[Eli]

Type of story: Oneshot

Rating: G

Main Characters: Kit Hunter

Genre: Drama (angst?)

Warnings: None

Is Story being proof read: Yes, by -Jade-

Summary: Kit struggles with her feelings after the loss of Noah.

Here's my entry for the fanfiction challenge, edited after reading everyone's reviews. It was my first challenge, so I'm very happy about all the nice reviews I got (even though I didn't get any votes)

And if the title confuses you (the ones that read the challenge entries) it's probably because I changed it. You know it as: Entry 1: Return/No return.

No return

It’s funny how different everything looks at night. The darkness and the wind, it all makes everything look so much wilder, more dangerous than it really is.

But the shed was still the same. Behind the rusty old shovels and battered rakes, it was there. Just where she left it a year ago.

The kitchen was the opposite of the cold, dark and unwelcoming backyard. The whole room was bright, warm and cozy, and definetely a place you would like to be, even in the middle of the night.

Heavy rain was crashing down outside now, and she took off her coat, glad to be inside. A quick look at the clock over the fridge told her it was twenty minutes past midnight.

Kit Hunter sighed and sat down with a one year old bottle of wine in front of her.

”Kit, I need to talk to you about something,” Beth said, even though it was just a phone call Kit knew this was serious.

”What is it?” Kit asked, and it was silent for a moment before her mother replied.

”I don't know how I should tell you this...” she finally said. Kit closed her eyes. Definately not good news.

She stared at the bottle in front of her. Inside was heaven and hell.

Open that bottle and all her pain would be gone for a few hours. And yet she knew; she knew that drinking that wine would make it worse afterwards. More pain to handle, more suffering.

All that for a few hours without the intense feeling of darkness and emptyness in her heart, was it worth it?

Kit sat down, ”What is it, mom?” she asked, ”Are you okay?”

Again there was silence before Beth replied.

”Do you remember I told you about Sarah Lewis?” she said after five long seconds.

”The crazy woman who came after Dani when Felix Walters was killed?” Kit said, her heart was beating faster and faster, ”Is Dani okay?”

Silence.

”Is it Scott?” she said, trying not to panic or start crying.

Beth didn’t say anything this time either, Kit could almost hear her looking for the right way to tell her without shattering her heart completely.

Kit hung up. She couldn’t stand the silence.

It was so evil to wish she had been right about Scott. So evil to wish it was her own brother Sarah had shot instead of him.

She was so evil!

…And so selfish to make this about her, because it wasn’t. It was about him.

The phone rang again. Kit regretted ever hanging up. Avoiding a conversation wasn’t going to make it all go away.

”It isn’t Scott,” Beth said, as soon as Kit picked up.

”I know mom…” her daughter replied. Somehow she knew who this was about, from the quiet, sad way her mother was talking about it.

”Scott and Dani are okay. It’s Noah…”

It had been a month since the phone call, and a month since Noah had died.

Somehow Kit felt like he had never existed. All the people in Summer Bay went on with their lives, and it seemed like there wasn’t even an empty hole in their lives where Noah had been.

She knew that she was wrong. She new everyone still thought about him, but it still seemed like she was the only one to really care.

In some weird way it felt like there were two empty holes in Kit’s heart.

One for Noah and one for Sarah.

She felt guilty about that too. Feeling sorry for Sarah, the woman who caused everyone in the Bay so much suffer and pain.

But didn’t she deserve a little love after all? She had lost the one person that had actually meant something for her, and now she wasn’t even missed when she was gone.

Kit knew Hayley and the others in the Bay wouldn’t believe her if she said she felt sorry for Sarah. They still told themselves she was evil.

But Kit didn’t think Sarah was evil, she was just crazy, out of her mind.

No one in the Bay would ever be able to forgive Sarah for what she had done.

”But I do,” Kit said to herself, ”I forgive you, Sarah.”

It had been more than an hour.

Still staring at the bottle, Kit was sitting there alone in the kitchen.

Forgiving Sarah didn’t change anything, she still missed Noah. Nothing could ever change that.

Just one drink, and the pain, and the sorrow; it would all go away…

Was it worth it?

”It’s not.” Noah simply said.

Kit froze.

This could not be happening. Noah was gone, dead, not there!

She blinked, but he was still there, looking right at her.

”The drink is not worth it,” he said again.

”Wha-what?” Kit said.

”Do you really wanna do it just because it’ll give you a few good hours, when you know it will give you so much hard stuff to deal with afterwards?”

”I could use a break…” she muttered.

”There are other ways to get over this.” he replied.

”No there’s not!” she said, all of a sudden angry, ”I will never get over this! It’s been a month, and even Hayley is smiling again. And Hayley was married to you! I was just a friend, and I’m in more pain than she is!”

”Are you sure that’s not because she spent more time accpeting I was gone?” Noah said, not taking his eyes off her.

”Hayley didn’t accept it, or even realise it until less than two weeks ago…” she said, suddenly not able to look at him. She felt tears in her eyes, and she really didn’t want him to see her cry… Didn't want him to see how weak she was…

”And in two weeks you’ll be smiling again too,” Noah replied.

”Are you saying that I didn’t accept this until now?” she said.

”Well…” he hesitated, ”You didn’t forgive Sarah until now, and I think that’s what you needed to do to accept it.”

Kit didn’t answer. She hated the way he could see right through her like that.

”I bet you would have done it before if it wasn’t for the fact that you blamed yourself for everything,” he continued, ”but forgiving Sarah means you finally realised this was her fault, not yours.”

”You don’t think I should have forgiven her?” Kit said, giving up hiding the tears.

”We both know she wasn’t sane,” Noah said, ”you did the right thing, forgiving her.”

All of a sudden it was like a river of tears was released inside Kit. Suddenly she found herself crying in Noah’s arms.

”What am I gonna do, Noah?” she cried, ”I’m so desperate to drink that wine, even though I know it’s going to make everything worse!”

Noah didn’t say anything, he just held her.

”Tell me not to drink it!” she said, ”Tell me not to do it!”

”You know I can’t do that,” Noah said softly, ”You have to make the decision yourself. But if you’re going to drink, I want you to be really sure about it.”

”How can I be sure?” Kit asked.

”Just ask yourself if it’s worth it.” he simply said.

Lying there in his arms suddenly made Kit feel stupid.

She was just dreaming, Noah was dead, he couldn’t be there in her kitchen!

But then a vague memory from right after her dad died came back.

Beth and all the Hunter kids were standing in front of the memorial spot in the middle of the field.

Everyone was crying, even Scott. Everyone except Kit.

Mattie cried, and said she missed her father, Kit couldn’t stand hearing it.

”He can’t hear you, Mattie, he’s dead!” she had yelled. She just wanted them all to shut up!

”I can still talk to him!” Mattie had protested.

”No, you can’t!” she had snapped back, ”He’s… He’s gone!”

Then Beth had put her arms around her.

”Maybe he isn’t gone,” she said, ”Maybe he just moved to our hearts?”

Looking back Kit remembered escaping her mother’s arms and sending her a nasty look. She pretended the thought of it was rubbish, and maybe she actually did think that. At least a little…

But now?

Noah could’t be here, could he?

”Maybe not physically…” he said, and Kit looked at him. How could he read her like that?

”Can I ask you a question?” she said.

”Always,” Noah replied, but now he was looking at the rain outside.

”Where are you now… I mean…”

”I know what you mean,” he said, sounding distant, ”but you wouldn’t understand.”

All of a sudden he felt close again.

”Try me!” Kit said.

Noah smiled, ”I’m just messing with you,” he said, ”I’ll tell you.”

Then he lowered his head, and whispered into her ear.

Kit smiled as she listened.

This was their secret.

Kit woke up, not knowing if she had really been asleep or not. Noah wasn’t there anymore, but the bottle on the table was.

She couldn’t help but smile when she heard Noah’s voice in her head, telling her again that it was her choice.

If she returned to her old life there would be no coming back. No return.

Still with a smile she stood up, put on her coat and grabbed the bottle.

”You’re right, Noah,” she said as she walked towards the front door.

”It’s not worth it.”

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