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Dan F

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Yeah sad but true it does mess with your head but you will come to realise that you didn't like them as much as you thought you did and reach the whatever stage...

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Here goes nothing, sorry it's a long story

(Changing names for this story)

3 months ago my housemate killed himself. I took the death very hard, as soon as it happened I called my two best friends Mark and Jess. They've been two of my best friends for the last 7 years, I was actually one who set them up so we're basically family
 
So what happened, on the Tuesday Jess took the day off work to stay with me, one of my other friends Kathy stopped in for a few hours that day, and so did Mark's little brother Aaron who I'm also mates with. The next day Mark took the day off work to stay with me. The Thursday I spent the day out with Kathy, went and got a massage and actually slept for a few hours that afternoon for the first time since it happened. Thursday night it felt like Jess and Mark were starting to get a bit snappy with me. I didn't sleep at all.
 
Friday I spent the day with another mate who's lost someone to suicide before, he was very good with me, I got a few hours sleep at his but had to be up early Saturday to go home.
 
So yeah, Jess and Mark's shortness with me continued, and got worse to the point I could tell they didn't want me there. I was very down and not sleeping much, if at all. I tried seeing if I could stay at my brother's but he literally told me to man up and get over it, so I made plans to go to Kathy's on Sunday night, something I didn't tell Mark and Jess till I was taking my stuff down to her car.
 
So I ended up staying at my dad's for nearly 2 months which helped and did me good, in that time I did two trips back home for counselling. Since then Mark and Jess had bought a new home with Mark's brother Aaron (they had the main house, Aaron a little granny flat). Aaron was the first to invite me to the new house, so that first visit I didn't really see Mark and Jess as I was hanging at Aaron's. He said next time I come I should visit Mark and Jess, which I did but they had other mates over that night and I didn't get much time with them, and I popped in to see Aaron on the way over.

I then moved back home, and one time I was feeling sad so I asked Aaron if we could hang out, he was just the first person I thought to ask.

So in the last 2 weeks I've felt I've turned a corner, I wouldn't say I'm over it, but it's been 3 months of moving on I guess. The weekend just gone, Mark, Jess and Aaron had a 2 day housewarming party, and I truly tried to spread myself between Mark and Jess' big party and Aaron's place (he's a bit of a loner who doesn't like crowds. At the party I broached the subject with Jess about what happened when I was staying with them, and the awkwardness since then. She admitted it wasn't easy having me and that it felt like I was milking my housemates death, and said I was lying about not sleeping as they checked in on me (I swear that's not a lie, I was sleeping very little if at all until I got to my dad's), and that I was acting sadder than I actually was. They were getting frustrated with me and and realized they were not the right people for me.
 
They also mentioned me just leaving for Kathy's place without telling them, which yeah maybe wasn't the best move, but I felt like they didn't want me there and that was basically confirmed at the party. And they said I now avoid them and just hang out at Aaron's place when I go over, which I admit I am doing but kinda more subconsciously. I just don't feel comfortable with them anymore with this weirdness growing between us, and at the same time I feel I've bonded a lot with Aaron lately. It's not like I've been over that much either, I think the housewarming was my 4th visit to the new place.

At the time I kind of let the comments about milking the death bounce off me, but now days later I realize how unfair and mean that was to say, and I'm really having trouble not dwelling on the whole situation and replaying everything in my head.
 
So yeah that's everything, sorry it's so long.

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They are very unfair and mean things to say I don't think you can ever over milk something like that It's something very unexpected to happen and you don't really know how your going to reacted  Just do what you feel is right for you to do there's no right or wrong way to grieve its just a process that eases over time

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@project90 No-one can tell you how long is an appropriate time to grieve for someone, or how long you should be feeling sad / freaked out. What happened was a massively traumatic thing and anyone who expects you to bounce back within a couple of days lacks empathy and emotional maturity. Everyone is different. Sure, you could have 'manned up' as your brother told you to do, but would that have been a healthy thing to do? To repress the shock and pain that you were feeling and just bury it inside you?! Accusing you of 'milking it' is a very cruel thing for your friends to say, and insisting that you were sleeping because 'they checked' is very childish. Broken sleep is just as bad. I understand completely why you're not so comfortable being around them anymore. I'm not sure that you should be spending a lot of time with them, but like Pembie said, do what's right for you. Just keep in mind that it's better to spend your time around people who make you feel good, and who will help you to get through this horrible thing, not people who kick you when you're down! Take care of yourself! x

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Thank you guys, thing is they are.. well who knows anymore, my best friends in the world, this is so out of character for them in our many years of friendship. It's a friendship I don't want to lose, I feel like I've lost so much lately, but it's a huge thing to get past with the big awkwardness between us now. Let's say I choose not to continue the friendship, Mark's brother Aaron's place is just a few feet from the main house, so unless I cut him off too (no reason to do that), I can't avoid seeing them.

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1 hour ago, project90 said:

I'm heading overseas soon, it's going to be the best thing for me. It's been a 4 year dream, just get a break from life for a while.

Have a nice break sounds quite exciting Come pick me up will you? I'm sure I can fit in your suitcase haha

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