emmasi Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 Well... I feel like s***. I was going through my inbox on here the other day and found a nice personal message I wrote to someone with all this great advice about coping with anxiety and depression. It mentioned the Support Group thread. So I thought I'd wander in and see how people are doing. Also s***, I see! I've got no advice now. I'm failing to take the advice I gave that other person way back when. I'm generally failing at everything in life. I'm failing to cope with simple things. I'm failing to speak to my friends and family without lashing out or breaking down or both. I'm not a very outgoing person so my eruptions probably don't even register for them, but to me they feel like a big deal, and like they're getting bigger. I've been putting off calling a psychiatrist for a fortnight to discuss getting some effective medication because I'm scared it'll just be the same old thing. $300 to be told "Well, you have anxiety and depression. Have you tried anti-depressants?" ................................. My draw is a pharmacy of things that either didn't work or were worse than the disease. I know I have to make the call, but the idea of going through it all again, just to get the same non-results.... Definition of insanity, anyone?? I'm on the dole. I feel like s*** because of that. I have mental problems which make job-seeking difficult. I feel like s*** because of THAT too. I live with my parents and don't pay rent because they don't want it. So, I feel like s***. I'm starting to think that I am just actually s***. I try to tell myself that since I'm not paying rent, I can at least get some savings together. But nope. Every other week, half the payment goes to some different medical/dental/psychiatric/veterinary expense, or I feel obligated to go out and "party" with my friends, even though I don't want to. All I want to do is stay home. But I don't want to lose my friends, so every now and then I have to literally p*** away $100 or so on entry fees/alcohol/taxi rides, or even $50 on lunch and a few drinks at the pub, or anything social like that that costs money that I don't really have to waste, just so I don't end up alone. And all of it just increases the stress and anxiety and makes me wonder how long before I snap too hard at someone and lose them forever anyway. I used to skate by on being good at art and writing. I can sort of bluff it with art because people don't know what they're looking at half the time, but writing is harder. People read and people write and they know good writing when they read it. They also know s***. The little I am able to produce at the moment reads like s*** to me. And that's only fanfiction anyway because I would never be able to stand up to the criticism of releasing something of my own with the intention of asking people to give me money for its existence. I fear that's what I was SUPPOSED to do with my life, but I missed my window. I was good about 10 years ago. I was good at a lot of things about 10 years ago. But the little confidence I had then has been chipped away to nothing, and I feel like nothing. I feel like s***. I feel like I will never be able to prove my worth, because I have no worth. I am literally, at least in monetary terms, worthless. I fear what will happen if my parents die before I am out of this house. I fear I won't know how to look after myself and I will die too. That's if I don't die before them, of stress, of doing something stupid, of ... "doing something stupid" ... Telephotomarigold, I cannot imagine how stressful it must be to not only try and home yourself but your cats too. I know how good I have it to have a safe, permanent residence, and how much of a spoiled brat I am for wanting to get away from it. Because I know that my life won't change until I move out of my parent's house, but I can't afford to move out anyway, and I still have one cat here, and I can't leave her. My other cat died just over a year ago, and I am still grieving badly. I have very few memories of the first cat I had (about 10 years ago, actually...), and that's because I moved out of home for a few years. I can't lose any more memories of my cats. They're too important to me. I'm going away for a week to house-sit for someone, and that makes me feel guilty enough. I know this sounds insane, and it is. I don't know if I really am this attached to my animals or if I am just using them as an excuse. Using one's life as an excuse not to live the life I know I should be living. Using one's death to ... well, to not want to live at all. Because it all seems so pointless. It doesn't matter how much you love someone or how much they love you. It doesn't matter if you do everything right. Things just fall apart anyway. And when your default setting is failure, and doing everything wrong, there's not much point trying at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelephotoMarigold Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 You know what - if you are shelling out $300 for a service then for that to tell you the same thing you've heard before would be a s**t service. You know you are depressed and have anxiety issues it's been diagnosed before - so tell whoever your next shrink is that "you want positive action to address the problem not meaningless platitudes or being fobbed off with medication." Feel free to quote that. In fact I insist. People with mental health issues often don't have a voice. We're fobbed off. Ignored. Misled. Given pills because they think that is the "quickest" way we can get better. Pills don't work with everyone so don't settle for someone telling you just to take magic tablets. You are paying therefore you're the customer and they need to provide the service. If you tell yourself anything, tell yourself you are worth taking the time to listen too. That's why I come to the support group. Because someone is usually listening. You say you like drawing and writing. There are any number of courses you can take to improve on them. Online courses so you don't have to go to college. Look into them and see what is about. Over on Wattpad there are usually competitions that you can enter stories into - including Fan Fic. Have a look. The best thing about writing is that it gives you an escape from your real world problems. I gave one of my characters a tonne of mental health problems in my story 'Bound by Fear, Rescued by Love' and it helped knowing I could write about the worst things but have my character see through them and get better. Because there is always a better if we allow ourselves to know it, to trust it, to look for it. Do you need to start looking for the 'better'? My Mum died in 2014. It was the worst thing in the world. I haven't said goodbye to her yet and I worry about my Dad being alone and so far away. At the same time I lost two of my cats, I'd had them for 14 years. It was a hell of a time. Since then, everything has broken in me but I'm still here. Still here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pembie Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 10 hours ago, emmasi said: Well... I feel like s***. I was going through my inbox on here the other day and found a nice personal message I wrote to someone with all this great advice about coping with anxiety and depression. It mentioned the Support Group thread. So I thought I'd wander in and see how people are doing. Also s***, I see! I've got no advice now. I'm failing to take the advice I gave that other person way back when. I'm generally failing at everything in life. I'm failing to cope with simple things. I'm failing to speak to my friends and family without lashing out or breaking down or both. I'm not a very outgoing person so my eruptions probably don't even register for them, but to me they feel like a big deal, and like they're getting bigger. I've been putting off calling a psychiatrist for a fortnight to discuss getting some effective medication because I'm scared it'll just be the same old thing. $300 to be told "Well, you have anxiety and depression. Have you tried anti-depressants?" ................................. My draw is a pharmacy of things that either didn't work or were worse than the disease. I know I have to make the call, but the idea of going through it all again, just to get the same non-results.... Definition of insanity, anyone?? I'm on the dole. I feel like s*** because of that. I have mental problems which make job-seeking difficult. I feel like s*** because of THAT too. I live with my parents and don't pay rent because they don't want it. So, I feel like s***. I'm starting to think that I am just actually s***. I try to tell myself that since I'm not paying rent, I can at least get some savings together. But nope. Every other week, half the payment goes to some different medical/dental/psychiatric/veterinary expense, or I feel obligated to go out and "party" with my friends, even though I don't want to. All I want to do is stay home. But I don't want to lose my friends, so every now and then I have to literally p*** away $100 or so on entry fees/alcohol/taxi rides, or even $50 on lunch and a few drinks at the pub, or anything social like that that costs money that I don't really have to waste, just so I don't end up alone. And all of it just increases the stress and anxiety and makes me wonder how long before I snap too hard at someone and lose them forever anyway. I used to skate by on being good at art and writing. I can sort of bluff it with art because people don't know what they're looking at half the time, but writing is harder. People read and people write and they know good writing when they read it. They also know s***. The little I am able to produce at the moment reads like s*** to me. And that's only fanfiction anyway because I would never be able to stand up to the criticism of releasing something of my own with the intention of asking people to give me money for its existence. I fear that's what I was SUPPOSED to do with my life, but I missed my window. I was good about 10 years ago. I was good at a lot of things about 10 years ago. But the little confidence I had then has been chipped away to nothing, and I feel like nothing. I feel like s***. I feel like I will never be able to prove my worth, because I have no worth. I am literally, at least in monetary terms, worthless. I fear what will happen if my parents die before I am out of this house. I fear I won't know how to look after myself and I will die too. That's if I don't die before them, of stress, of doing something stupid, of ... "doing something stupid" ... Telephotomarigold, I cannot imagine how stressful it must be to not only try and home yourself but your cats too. I know how good I have it to have a safe, permanent residence, and how much of a spoiled brat I am for wanting to get away from it. Because I know that my life won't change until I move out of my parent's house, but I can't afford to move out anyway, and I still have one cat here, and I can't leave her. My other cat died just over a year ago, and I am still grieving badly. I have very few memories of the first cat I had (about 10 years ago, actually...), and that's because I moved out of home for a few years. I can't lose any more memories of my cats. They're too important to me. I'm going away for a week to house-sit for someone, and that makes me feel guilty enough. I know this sounds insane, and it is. I don't know if I really am this attached to my animals or if I am just using them as an excuse. Using one's life as an excuse not to live the life I know I should be living. Using one's death to ... well, to not want to live at all. Because it all seems so pointless. It doesn't matter how much you love someone or how much they love you. It doesn't matter if you do everything right. Things just fall apart anyway. And when your default setting is failure, and doing everything wrong, there's not much point trying at all. Life can be strange it was only a few weeks ago that I was feeling stuck in a rut and feeling quite bored with life feeling I needed something more to get exicted over and missing old friends who are no longer here... And now I'm feeling the happiest I have felt in awhile.... I don't believe that pills can cure you of depression though Its finding that one thing one person who you can trust that helps you through Maybe its a illness that never leaves you but find that focus and drive in your case I would say your sense of hurmour for sure. I like acting and find that my shyness just goes away when I perform Maybe you could be the same.. This may sound silly I could see you doing stand up comedy gigs maybe write your own stuff too. Sure there might be some people who don't like it but there's always someone that does. I don't know if that sort of thing would build your self confidence up or not I believe that its having something that means alot to you that you can look forward too that helps the battle with depression.. you never can tell what is around the next corner. So never give up on the things that you want or that thing that drives you in this case your art I'm guessing that is good for expressing your feelings given that your shy I'm sure your storytelling is better than you realise.. I say go on write your own stories and send them off yes their most likely to be rejected but then again they may not You never know if you never try.... Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for it. 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Homeandawayfan. Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 People with mental health issues either get fobbed off/ dismissed or they get treated like they are a special needs case and need round the clock care, when that is so untrue. Patronising comments such as "Special needs" or "You need a carer". You never seem to be treated like a normal individual who is independent. Also my brother used to be great as a kid, bit cheeky but today I feel he is my brother in biology only. He started to get worse as he hit his teens to the point of no return. I think he has a form of narcissism. He is quick to judge, quick to have a go, and snaps if you don't hear his question properly or answer in a nanosecond. Also he is hypocritical. He is good at vilifying people for mistakes he is the worst offender of. One time on holiday I had a backpack which was heavy and he said "You poof, it is not that heavy". Mum seems to think he is lovely underneath but his gentle lovely side is very, very rarely shown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pembie Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 I believe people with depression or suffer from any sort of inner pain. Need to be helped to realize that their not worthless if anything far from it. Everyone has a right to reach their potential. Life throws up barriers and when it does you fight against them no matter what.If you have trouble leaving the house or wanting to go out build up to it plan it in advance say a few weeks time have something to look forward to something small like a meal with a friend Doesn't have to be going to the pub where you might feel awkward around people. Or somewhere you feel you should be having a good time just because everyone else is. We are all different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelephotoMarigold Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 Just wanted to say sorry and goodbye. I wish you all the best guys. Keep going, it does get better. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunny Girl Posted August 14, 2016 Report Share Posted August 14, 2016 Why does my best friend always hang up on me? You would think we would be past that by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pembie Posted August 14, 2016 Report Share Posted August 14, 2016 1 hour ago, Sunny Girl said: Why does my best friend always hang up on me? You would think we would be past that by now. Because he's a wally Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunny Girl Posted August 14, 2016 Report Share Posted August 14, 2016 32 minutes ago, pembie said: Because he's a wally I think you're right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunny Girl Posted August 18, 2016 Report Share Posted August 18, 2016 Waiting for my car to be inspected. It's wet and wintery and I have nothing to do except sit on the steps and wait for them to call and tell me everything's okay. My head is killing me too. So sick of the doctors. Damn it!! :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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