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Dan F

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I really need help. I have had my suspicions about something and it affects my boyfriends family. Do I tell them this knowing its going to divide them? Or do I just tell my boyfriend? Or do I not tell anyone? This is quite damaging in terms of trust within the family and I really need some advice either by PM or in here. Anything at all will help.

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I don't even know where to start ? I just know that I need to get this out somewhere....

I just feel so......lost and alone right now and just generally like I'm in a different universe right now. Why is life so unfair ? Why does everything that comes towards me have to be bad ? Why do some peoples families have plain sailing happiness whilst mine gets heartache after heartache ? This life is so horrible, I just dont understand why! I HATE how it can just take anything away at any given time.

Early morning on friday the 9th of December my beautiful brother was taken away from us in a horrific car accident. I will never forget how I felt when the police knocked on our door to break the news to us on that cold winters morning, everything went from being so perfect to completely soul destroying in the space of a few short moments. It was just the hardest thing to take in.......If I'm being honest it still hasn't registered with me that this person who was such a constant presence in my life is now gone forever.....Just like that! I don't know how I am walking and talking and living at the moment , I just am,.....somehow. He was ALWAYS such a huge presence in my house, because he didn't work and would just always be THERE in the house........ Just around, and it hurts like hell that hes ....gone!

I've noticed myself how over the past week how my emotions have turned from shock.......to grief........to anger and wanting to blame somebody! But right now I feel completely shocked,sad,angry all at the same time. I don't know how to feel........ I know that to some extent I am in denial, still just expecting him to come in the door. How can somebody be here one minute and then gone the next ? its absolute MADNESS!!

I'm no stranger to grief since I lost my mother in 2006 but there is a great difference between grieving for someone who was dying slowly than a sudden death. Not saying that its in ANYWAY easier because its not.......Only that when something so shocking comes out of the blue it feels like an absolute kick the mind. I've always been grateful that we had the chance to say goodbye to my mother, and its only now I realise how much I properly appreciated it. To die in a car accident and suffer horrific injuries without your family by your side is just about the single worst thing I could imagine......... But it was a reality for my poor harmless brother. What kind of world would take such a lovely young man away in the blink of an eye ? :(

The week was hard with the funeral, burial, people etc but I knew from the get go that it was always going to be the weeks and months afterwards when everything had settled down that would be the absolute worst. As the days go by I miss him more and more, and I feel that I'm drowning in my emotions because I cant figure out my feelings inside my head..........Althought most of the time I just don't feel anything only pure numbness........... I don't know whether it feels better being sad or just numb and detached :(

They brought him home to us where he was laid out in our house for the night for people to come and pay their respects, and I cant explain it but it was just so comforting actually having him at home with us! He just looked so peaceful I would have happily kept him there in that state forever because at least in a sense he was still with us. He was there.....But he was gone......but it was almost as if he was still with us. Its hard to explain...

All week long all I could think to myself is............. Im not ACTUALLY carrying the 2nd member of my family out of our house in a wooden box am I ? Even me speaking about this right now it feels like Im talking about someone else talking about their family.

The ONLY shred of comfort I have right now is that he is happy being with our mother once again and has found peace! It doesn't help with how I feel but its a nice thought to have I guess.

Im really sorry for going on and on guys, I just had to vent somewhere!

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Losing someone is never easy, I lost a very close friend back in September and it was a complete shock to me. I miss her more than anything but I live each day knowing she's around, she will never not be around. Like you said, the only shred of comfort you have is that he is with your mother, hold onto that and your happy memories because it will get you through those dark moments when it feels like nothing will help. Use those comforting thoughts because it will help in some way or another. Focus on your good memories and hopefully with time it will help you. Hugs. I know how bleak it looks now but in time hopefully you will be able to reach a place where you miss him but you can move on with your life at the same time.

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I have never come so close to doing self harm as i have tonight. IT's been 10 years since i cut, possibly longer but tonight I just wanted to let the pain out in the quickest eaisiest way. I had a panic attack and I haven't stopped crying for the past two hours now. I'm completley alone and always will be and the depression i have at this time of year I thought I had escaped from. I hate that Christmas is the time of fmaily becuase I'll never have that. I'll never hold a baby or watch first steps and hear first words. I'll never watch them come excitedly into the room and open presents. Or have the family dinner. and if I'm ill there is no one there to offer me support or take care of me. and it's all so painful. I was actually looking forward to Xmas this year until now... and all I have is savage reminder of all that is gone

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I have never come so close to doing self harm as i have tonight. IT's been 10 years since i cut, possibly longer but tonight I just wanted to let the pain out in the quickest eaisiest way. I had a panic attack and I haven't stopped crying for the past two hours now. I'm completley alone and always will be and the depression i have at this time of year I thought I had escaped from. I hate that Christmas is the time of fmaily becuase I'll never have that. I'll never hold a baby or watch first steps and hear first words. I'll never watch them come excitedly into the room and open presents. Or have the family dinner. and if I'm ill there is no one there to offer me support or take care of me. and it's all so painful. I was actually looking forward to Xmas this year until now... and all I have is savage reminder of all that is gone

I can't believe how spiteful some people are. Like why go out of your way to hurt people? to demean them? To take some personal knowledge about them and twist it until you've hurt them? What do you gain?? Well I hope you are proud of yourself. And for someone who claims they have been bullied before now, well congratulations because you are now a bully too and I really don't see anyway back for you... I mean you drove me to the point where I was going to cut myself?? and after 10 years of not doing it?? Oh I accept that if I'd done it then it would have been my fault .. My fault for believing that you were my friend, that you couldn't possible mean it....

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Had some really rough days... can't stop thinking about things... done a lot of crying and some things I'm not proud off...Can't seem to stop this hurt...

And I can't stop wondering if things could have been different.

Thinking about how you put yourself out there for people and it just gets thrown back at you or they never just take the time to stop and listen. Well I'm not talking.. I'm shouting... are you going to listen now? I hate Christmas, hate hate hate it. There's too much time to think about things.. to remember... to hurt. Even if you fill the days with other stuff it still creeps in.. still lingers at the back of your mind, the aching loss of people who aren't there. .. the pain of never being able to reach out to them or just touch them.

So for anyone feeling like this at this Christmas know that there are people out there who know and understand.. that would reach out to you if they could...It can't make up for the loss you feel but I hope it helps..

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I knew it was going to be hard to talk about and that the pain was not going to go away but I have spent so long trying to let go and that one conversation just made me feel like I am at square one again. I need to let the pain go but I don't know how without hurting so many other people in the process. I hate how I feel all the time. I have so many other people that need me but how can I help them if I haven't dealt with my own issues. I hate myself for not being strong enough to help those people I really care about. Everyone seems to need me but I need them as well. I am lost and I don't know what to do. I want to give up. I have to give up. Can't do this all anymore..:(

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