Support Group

[tessalove]

Bec..... Im so sorry I don't know what to say, That is so awful!

I really hope you are okay and you stay strong! If you ever need to talk you have my Msn or message me!

I hope you get through this tough time eventually, Take care!

Elainea! XxX

[matticus01]

so... my days gone from bad to worse....

so... im a partylite consultant... and one girl has been harrassing me because her candles havent turned up....

well... today this womans mother rang me, accusing me or stealing the money and not putting the order thru at all, and with whats happened recently, with my good friend committing suicide, and my mum in hospital, I just broke down!

I dont appreciate being accused of something that I havent done! so when this womans candles turn up, Im taking them up to her and telling her and her mother to get well and truly f***ked!

Im not putting up with this ****!

[emmasi]

^I hope your employers are sympathetic, because I wouldn't blame you at all for doing that. In fact, I'd tell the people where they can shove their stupid candles I hate being accused of stuff like that too. Sometimes I think that people are so mistrusting because they themselves are dishonest and they expect everyone else to be that way too. Other times I realise that most humans are paranoid and unhappy creatures, so they're just expecting to be screwed over.

Meanwhile I've managed to get some extensions on my assignments but I'm still managing to squander the extra time. It's really hard to be motivated about jumping through hoops and putting half-assed arguments on paper that I don't believe in and don't care about, all for the pleasure of being told that I could have done better. Of course I could have done better - a monkey could do better at uni stuff than me! A monkey who is NOT suffering from depression, anxiety, and some mystery illness that makes me dizzy and tired all the time, that is

I watched a thing on "Taboo" today about Freegans - people who don't pay for anything, so they don't need jobs, they just scavenge and barter their way through life. Apart from eating out of dumpsters, it seemed like a really nice life. I think I'd rather just go out into the wilderness and figure out what I can and can't eat out there. I have no interest in human society. It's all so pointless and soul-destroying. I just want to be free.

[flyingwithoutwings]

Bec, I honestly have no idea what to say. Other than I'm so, so sorry. Things must be so hard right now, and then to have the work stuff. *HUG* I hope you're okay. Anytime you want chat, I'm here.

Emmasi, I totally agree about your last line. Human society is just so stupid at times. And yeah, it's definitely soul-destroying. Hope you're okay, too.

---

I don't even know what's wrong with me, but I manage to put a down-side to everything. Depression sucks.

[emmasi]

I am crying. I have been wanting to cry all day - possibly since last night. I've only just been keeping it together. Now I'm at home alone in my room and I don't have to hold it together anymore.

I tried so hard to finish an assignment last night - one that was already late - but I was so exhausted that I couldn't finish the bibliography. I had to sleep and trust that I'd have 4 hours between classes in which to finish it off. Sounds reasonable, right? Well we'll come back to that.

My ride told me she'd pick me up at 8am. So I was outside at 8am, waiting, skipping breakfast, popping Valium, staring at a dead bird in the driveway that had been pried off the front of my mum's car the day before... She got there at 8.20am. I don't care if people are running late - I'm always running late (hence no breakfast) but, you know, a text would have been nice. So would breakfast

I already wanted to cry, I guess because I was too useless to finish the assignment last night, and I hadn't read the book for this morning's class. Everything is just too much... I can't keep up with everything I'm supposed to do. Then in class, I had more Valium, just to keep myself from publicly bursting into tears. I got a coffee in the break - it was all I had to "eat" at uni. I had plenty of food with me. I was just too busy wanting to curl up and die to be bothered eating.

After the morning class, the teacher came to me and told me that my health is more important than my assignments (she knows that I have "issues"), so that made me feel better. For a while. Until I had to return to the bibliography for that other assignment, and the realisation that not all teachers are that understanding. Four hours between classes, and I couldn't finish the bibliography. The internet at uni wouldn't stay connected for more than 3 pages at a time - I had no chance at all of finding all of my references. At all. At. All. I just... I really, really almost cried. I wanted to so badly, but there were people all around me, and I knew if I started I wouldn't stop. So I had to hand in the DEMON assignment without the goddamned bibliography in tact... It was the best I could do without having a complete breakdown. As it was, I had to leave class early for that very reason - I just couldn't be in that room with that teacher and all those students, knowing that they were all so much... better than me. Judging me... Rightfully judging me. Because I am so weak and stupid that I can't write a fecking bibliography, even with four. fecking. hours. to do it. I just... can't... Then someone in the class made the comment to someone else: "You're at university, that means you must have some standard of intelligence." I just wanted to laugh/cry out-loud and say "All it means is that you have enough money and time on your hands to be here." I didn't say that though, because it would have sounded like I was attacking other people in the class, when all I wanted to do was attack myself and cut my useless throat open. That's when I decided that I had to leave. I was way too emotional. I knew I was going to go off at any second and... God, I wish I wasn't so weak.

I sat at the train station for about an hour, ate a muffin that I bought hours before, and finally felt comfortable enough to eat... then someone sat on the bench next to the one I was sitting on, and I instantly felt judged. Like I shouldn't be eating a muffin. Like a fat, pimply, sweaty - and clearly unhealthy - gross, disgusting, blob of a person should not be disgusting everyone else by eating a muffin. It is fecking ridiculous the things that go through my head. Like ANYONE cares if I eat a stupid muffin!! Like ANYONE would even notice me! It's a TRAIN STATION - people EAT while they're waiting. I mean - GOD! GRR!!! I HATE HOW FECKING SELF-OBSESSED I AM!!!!!

... So, after sitting at a boiling hot train station for an hour, sweating through my jeans, I was all wet and gross and just knew that I probably looked like I'd pissed myself from behind - great! And I had another hour or so of traveling and walking around to deal with that. Really, really fecking great.

Then I had a brief moment of ... rightness. Not happiness... just things going right. For a change. The chemist was still open - I was able to refill my prescription of anti-depressants (big shock there - I'd run out, and am going completely and literally insane because of it!), and Kmart was open later than I thought it would be. I had a chance to look around and find some DVDs that I've been wanting for months, but I could never find them. I must have used up all my luck for the day on that, because then I went and sat in the sun opposite the train station, waiting for my mum to pick me up. Then I got a phone call from her, saying that she was at the club down the road - and that's when I remembered that I was supposed to call her and TELL her to pick me up... she thought I was getting a lift home with the same girl who drove me to uni in the morning. I was just so mind-f*cked that I completely forgot. Another great string to ad to my bow of incompetence

So I walked down to the club where mum gave me money to play the pokies. Yes, good, except that when I was done with her money, I reached into my pocket and played through $20 of my own money. $40 actually, but I thankfully managed to get $20 back... $5 of which I immediately chucked away on Keno

I am SO angry at myself. WEAK WEAK WEAK! It's the one word that sums up me and my entire day - WEAK!!!

But why exactly was I crying when I got into my room? What was the exact thing that tipped me over the edge? ... So I told mum that I think I have a gambling problem - I didn't tell her how much money I put through, I was too ashamed of myself... but the conversation inevitably turned to the Melbourne Cup, which I don't count as a problem because I always have a bet on that, and it's only ever a small one. I thought we were getting back onto a happy topic of conversation. Then mum mentioned an article she'd read about Pharlap - a nice, happy, positive article about what a great horse he was. So then what do I do? I go to the darkest most depressing place I can find - I start getting angry, really angry, about Pharlap being killed by the Mafia. In Pharlap's case, it's just a theory, but I watched a documentary on other horses of that time being killed because they were too good, and they were taking too much money out of the pockets of greedy, soulless, Hell-bound humans who just didn't care. Yes, thinking about that - the way that human beings are so f*cking ruthless and disregarding of animal life, even animals that other humans actually value as inspirational heroes... it just makes me sick to think that I'm living in a world like that. It makes me sick to think that human beings will never change and that I, if I "want" to be human, have to be just like them. I have to be a soulless killer... I have to NOT be weak. I have to NOT cry, and NOT care about anything but myself, anything but getting ahead of the pack and slaying anyone in my way - man, woman, child, or champion thoroughbred. Whatever it takes. That's what being human is. Killing innocent souls, and spitting on their graves. Then counting the cash you've raked in for selling the grave-plots to the grieving families. That's called success. It's what winners have, because they take it. Losers like me just... wait for an open grave to fall into, and hope our families don't get charged too much for the funeral.

[KirstyEkua]

Perhaps it would be good for you to take some time off from Uni. Am i right in thinking you're almost done for the year (i don't really know how your semesters work in Australia - but i have a friend there who starts his new Uni year in Feb - so i assume you'll finish up pretty soon?) Maybe have a year off where you can just conentrate on yourself and figure out what makes you happy. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter if you finish an assisgnment - not if it's going to make you feel that bad about yourself. Maybe go away for a few months if you can, travel a little - sometimes meeting people from different cultures can completely change how we view ourselves.

I know there's lots of things in this world we're not going to like or agree with - but then you don't have to be like that. The most important thing is too stand up for what you believe in and be yourself. There is a lot of good in this world and i think it's better to concentrate on that than all the awful things that happen. You shouldn't ever feel ashamed for what you believe in, that's part of what makes you who you are.

I know this sounds silly but it helped me. Every day write down something you like about yourself, it can something as simple as your hair colour - and something that makes you happy. Again it can be something as simple as walking by the ocean - and embrace it.

[adellejefferiesxox]

Emmasi, I'm sorry your feeling like this. But the first thing I'd like to say is honey you're being WAYYY too hard on yourself,seriously. Take a deep breath. You need to believe in yourself because you're not weak. You just need to take some time out after this is all over then go back to the school work. If you keep your thinking pattern like this you're going to make yourself feel even worse

Someone said to me, I can't remember it exactly, but words turn into thoughts, thoughts turn into actions and actions turn into attitudes. Something along those lines... So if you keep thinking I'm weak, I can't do this, then mostly likely you won't do it, you will have given up on yourself. If you're struggling can you ask for help? If you're on medication and it doesn't seem to be offering much relief from your troubles why not talk to a counsellor? or focus your energy on other things like writing, reading, creative actitivties, or do something you enjoy like dancing, tennis, listening to music...

Listen to some relaxation music when you get stressed, this period may seem like you'll never get through it but you will. It seems like hell now, but you will pull through. Just stop being so hard on yourself, okay

Good luck! Also it's just an assignment, there are more important things in life to focus on Do you have a goal your working towards, big or small? Do you want to save money for a new phone? Do you want to achieve something? Do you want to improve on something? Practice certainly makes perfect. Just keep trying and don't give up.

Don't listen to anyone's defintion of who you should be, define yourself.

[emmasi]

I'm almost finished uni for good. IF I pass this semester. And that's why it's so stressful. I can't face the thought of not passing and not graduating. I've been there before and I just can't do it again. I cannot fail that badly again. There is so much pressure and I'm completely breaking down under it. All I can do is try and survive. That's really all I can do. It's all well and good to say that assignments aren't important, but that's not your - or anyone else's - big fat FAIL on the horizon. It's mine, and it's coming closer. It's like a big black bear that's waiting to kill me. I wish it was a bear. If it was a bear, I could fight it or kill it or let it kill me. But a fail is just... nothing. It means that I'm nothing. It's worse than dying. It's living in a world which I know I have no place in - failing again and again and again is all confirmation that I'm no good at existing in human society. But I AM human, and society is all around me, so... I'm pretty well screwed. It's hard to find a bright side to that.

And yeah, I do know that about a billion people have things a billion times worse than me, but they're not in my head right now, and I wouldn't wish my twisted thoughts and feelings on my worst enemy.

EDIT: I have tried counseling and only turned to drugs when I was literally terrified that I was going to kill myself. I'm sure counseling works for a lot of people, but it DOES NOT work for me. I have tried it many times over many years and the only thing that ever worked was medication. It just stopped working, and that's the problem. I also feel like counseling is just another way of saying "This is YOUR fault and YOU have to fix it." I don't think this is my fault. I think this is a chemical thing that God threw at me for kicks, and now he's just laughing his ass off, watching me trying to figure out what the hell to do about it.

[adellejefferiesxox]

Emmasi trust me I've been there, I've faced failing subjects before, but in the end I pulled through because I took the time to destress and I worked to the best of my ability and all you can do is your best, if that's not good enough well then that's life. You just have to try and move on and see what you can take away from the situation, what you could have improved on, what could have you done slightly different.

Once I had made a 30 slide presentation for biology in yr 11. This was an important piece. I had to design two special keys (scientific keys) to show two plants and two animals, like their cells etc. The assignment was sooo hard. Literally, the important was so hard to find. So once I found all the information, I knew it was worth a good mark. Then when it came to showing it, it wouldn't work my USB stuffed up and I lost it, in the end I was in tears because I knew that assignmet had killed me trying to complete it, but then I had to do it over again! so I completed another presentation this time 28 slides.... made 4 keys in total plus the research about the two Aussie animals and plants. It was hard work, I got a B for it. But I accepted that the assignment was diffcult but there was no point in feeling sorry for myself, I had to pull myself together and work my butt off. I had to believe in myself that I would do just as well as I did the first time. Although I didn't do as well as I did the first time, I still did okay.

I just think if you stress to the max, you'll just make the situation a whole lot worse and you dont need added stress. The assignment is stressful enough as it is. Just do your best that's all you can do. Also, I strongly advise - ask for help! Look at different resources, take a break - don't concentrate on something too long.

Hope this help...

[~Lynd~]

One thing you said stands out to me and tells me you're not weak.You told your mum you think you have a gambling problem.In no way is that weak,it's really really brave!

As Steph said,ask for help.Believe me i know how hard that is but it often helps and people won't think any less of you.We often judge ourselves much more harshly then others do.If you have help maybe you'll feel like the burden's been lifted from your shoulders and you'll be able to think more clearly.

I dunno if that helps but good luck.Love ya lots,i'm always on facebook and msn if you wanna chat.x