Eli Posted January 14, 2007 Report Share Posted January 14, 2007 An eerie wailing noise rose suddenly, high into the night, loud and unceasing, carried out to the darkening sea. And as night shrouded that lonely house of secrets even the hardened Scotty Phillips shivered in fear. I really liked that part, because you talked about the situation and described it from a totally different point of view than most authors do, and it gave an even better effect than if you had described what actually happened. Instead you pointed out that even Scotty was scared, meaning it had to be something really horrible. Jamie knew what must have upset Mum. Her family were always telling him to say pleases and thank yous and to ask politely before he did stuff. He wondered why Mum should bother about manners at a time like this, but grown-ups thought in strange ways and he was genuinely anxious to uphold the social niceties. “You don’t mind me swearin’, do ya?” He asked Scott. That part was really good! The way Jamie manages to break up the tense situation like that. It made it totally realistic, and I could picture the situation. Great chapter, can't wait to see where this goes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adia Posted January 16, 2007 Report Share Posted January 16, 2007 (edited) Loving the way you describe everything. Brilliant! I agree with Eli And as night shrouded that lonely house of secrets even the hardened Scotty Phillips shivered in fear. I knew he was human! Poor Jade, but I like that the Sutherlands are still sticking by her. I'm glad she still called them Mum and Dad. That was sweet. Dear old Colleen! She really does have a way with words! Oooh, Ron is going back to check on Kirsty and Jamie... Jamie is so cute. I love that he is protective of his mum even though he is a little kid. The ending was great. I'm hanging in suspense. Please update soon! Edited January 16, 2007 by Adia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adia Posted January 18, 2007 Report Share Posted January 18, 2007 Nooo! Jamie! That was really good. I love how you've written the Scott/Kane relationship and that chapter really put some perspective on thier characters. It was great. Hmmm, Scotty really intrigues me. He is one very determined guy... Great chapter, can't wait to see more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted January 21, 2007 Report Share Posted January 21, 2007 I know how much constructive critisism can help, and that makes me feel really bad about the way I review your chapters, because I hardly ever find anything I would have changed! This is another two great chapters (I missed an update) with a lot of good writing. “A rabbit...?” Kane suggested hopefully. I loved that sentence! Made me smile Kane froze. Sometimes Scotty looked and sounded and acted so much like Dad it was almost like seeing his father in miniature. It hadn’t always been that way. When they were younger, his older brother would look out for him, warning him if it wasn’t safe to go home because the olds were bluing again, getting him out of the way if Dad was smashing up the furniture, saving him a share if they’d been out nicking lollies from Nosey Parker’s store. Kane didn’t know how or when or why things changed, only that they had That part was really good, it was so beautifully written. I lov the way you talk about Scotty and Kane's relationship. Kane looked up to blink them back. Between drifting clouds, one by one, the stars were slowly beginning to twinkle and sparkle in a fast darkening sky. He wondered if the little girl with the magic smile was watching the stars too. If she even remembered him. Aww, that is just so sweet! Really well written, and amazing how you managed to come back to Kirsty even when she wasn't an important part of the scene. Can't wait to read more Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adia Posted January 22, 2007 Report Share Posted January 22, 2007 You're writing gets better and better. I was literally on the edge of my seat I nearly fell off... on that star-studded night that echoed, as it had echoed for thousands of years, with the distant lapping of the sea and gentle whispering of the trees. He had to find out what secrets this night was keeping. Beautiful language! Richie Phillips, laughing, sweeps his small son to one side and Diane criss*crosses her arms over her face and ducks and several times Richie slashes the air near both she and Kane, missing purposely to tease... Everything was described so incredibly well! Please update again soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adia Posted January 28, 2007 Report Share Posted January 28, 2007 Great two chapters! You are a really brilliant writer! Mel has got me intrigued... I wonder what her REAL reason was for coming to the Bay then? I am loving the way you've been describing Scott... “Don’t...don’t hurt my son, Scott,” she said, her voice a choked, tearful whisper. Scotty grinned, beginning to enjoy himself. Now this sort of situation he could handle! Usually so right about people, she’d been so wrong about Scott Phillips. By the look on his face just before he tore after Jamie she knew he meant to let nothing and no one get in his way. *sigh* I wish Johnny Cooper and Scott Phillips were friends... Poor little Jamie! But he seems like a pretty strong kid. I hope he's going to be okay! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adia Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 *sigh* I wish Johnny Cooper and Scott Phillips were friends... If I had the time, Adia, I'd do a one shot of that. Maybe some time in the future... [ I would thank you forever and a day if you did that! *waits patiently* Chapter 19 was by far one of the best pieces of writing I have ever read. Seriously. I'm not kidding. It was fantastically brilliant! For some reason I'd always pictured Kane's mum to be all distant and glassy eyed, and I loved how eleven year old Scotty took control of the situation. Poor Kane though having to live with the guilt of doing something so violent, especially when he was too young to really understand what was going on. Great writing, can't wait to read more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 That was four great chapters! I could go on reviewing forever! And so it would all end here in Summer Bay. Where all the pain first began. She knew they would blame Kane Phillips. I loved that part! This fic is really good, and I'm getting more and more excited about finding out where this goes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adia Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 (edited) Awesome chapter. Like the setting for some romantic movie, a slow breeze half-heartedly stirred tree branches, crickets chirped, traffic droned somewhere in the distance and across the beautiful summer night a calm sea lapped gently to the shore. Save for a handful of small black clouds drifting through the moon-bright sky and the black silhouette of the old church, the graveyard that night was hardly the stuff of nightmares.You set the scene really well... the way you just thread it all together is just fantastic. No sound in the world could be more lonely than the ticking of a clock. I think that really captures the essence of Colleen's character in this fic and how you repeated the notion throught that little section really emphasises her sadness. As if ghosts or monsters or witches, curious to know why he was there, were gathering, discussing him in whispers that till now he’d thought were the drizzling rain and the roaring sea. That was great! I like how you've described his fear. Jamie is a really good character and it's really cool that we see things from his point of view. It's always nice to remember what it's like seeing the world in a child's eyes. Can't wait to read more! Edited February 7, 2007 by Adia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adia Posted February 10, 2007 Report Share Posted February 10, 2007 OMG! What is she doing! He's an innocent little boy! Mel was brave going to help him, but OMG.... Amazing writing as always, it's so... I guess... poetic and I love that. The first paragraph was just beautiful, reminded me of a book called "The Alchemist": perhaps the stars really do sketch patterns for each of us to follow from the day we are born - and they recalled how bright, how numerous, the stars had been in Summer Bay the night three people died. Three people... you have got me hooked! She enveloped Kirsty in a hug as tight as the hugs she’d given her when they were small. “Kirst,” she whispered tearfully. “I...I saw the ghost of your little girl. I saw Lily.” That was very poignant. Really shows where Dani is at an emotional level. At least she wasn't deliberately avoiding poor wee Jamie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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