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Never Say Never


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Story Title: Never say Never

Type of story: long fic

Main Characters: All h&a characters

BTTB rating: G

Genre: comedy

Is the fic AU? No

Does story include spoilers? Yes

Any warnings? none

Ash came home from work. He's one hell of a good copper and had a long hard day at work! He caught some bad guys on the loose. When he opened the door, he noticed that Martha had filled the house with hay! Yep that's right, bails of hay. This was Martha's idea of a romantic date. Bails of hay, farmer's hats and cowboy boots. Luckily, Ash loved Martha and her farmish ways. Ash was so excited to see his farmer wife and ran over to her, giving her a hug. Everything was great until...

Martha fell into a bail of hay. Ash screamed in a high pitch girly voice. "Ahh Martha, you're falling in the hay! Martha!". Unfortunately, it was too late! She had fallen in too far! Martha grabbed hold of Ash's hand and opened her mouth widely. She struggled as she spoke to her husband in a texas, cowboy style accent:"Save the cows!Ash, the cows need milking, the cows! THE COWS!."

Ash wondered what the heck the farmer chick was on about, but as he looked up, he caught a glimpse of cows running down the stairs.(Alf was riding one.) He could hear the moos drying into his brain as the cows beat him up. "I love you Martha", said Ash. "I only care about the cows" replied Martha. "They need milking!"

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Alf jumped off the cow as he saw Martha's arm waving around in the air. He jumped over Ash and across the bails of hay to reach her. It was a long way from where Alf was and where Martha lay, so Alfred felt he needed to take a little break. But as he sat down on a bail of hay, he felt a sharp pain in his chest. "Flaming 'ell!" exclaimed Alf, as he began to rest his head down on the hay. Another sharp pain caused Alf to yell "Struth!." Was Alf having a heart attack? And if so, who could save him? As Martha and Alf lay alone in seperate parts of the lounge, Ash began to wake up. "Martha?!" he called. "Somebody help me!" He grapped the thin string that was holding one of the bails of hay together and dragged it towards him. "Bloody hell!" yelled Alf, as he fell far into the bail of hay he was laying on. Ash had just made things worse. Now there where three people buried in the moutains of hay. Alf continued to winge and moan as he grabbed one of Pippa's baby toys that lay on the floor beside him and threw it at Ash's head. "Flamin' idiot" he called. "Good for nothing... flamin galah!" Ash was hurt, but too week to argue with Mr Stewart and just watched as the cows ran for him again.

Hours later, Irene arrived at the house. "What the hell's going on here?" she said, as the cows came up to greet her. Alf started to call to Irene for help. "Irene, over here..." He was cut off by Irene who yelled excitedly: "Cows!" "I love cows!" she said, running outside to pick them some grass. It had been hours since anyone had heard the voice of Martha. Alf tried to call her on his mobile, but suprisingly he had gotten no response.- Just an answering machine that said "Howdy neighbour, I'm a farmer, leave me a message...hillbilly laughfollowed by a short country song, titled "Only hell momma raised." Alf continued to call his favourite grandchild, because he enjoyed hearing the sound of her sweet sweet voice. But soon reality hit Alf. Right on the head! Yes Reality is one of Martha's dear sweet cows. The one who kept stepping on Alf. Alf couldn't take anymore of this, so he made a hole through the hay, so he could see what was going on in the lounge. To his disbelief, Alf saw Irene laying in one of the bails of hay. She held a cow in her arms and whispered " I have to go to work soon, but before I leave... I wondered whether you'd like to stay at my place for a few days." The cow looked up at Irene and moooed. Alf watched a tear fall down the side of the cows face. Then, Alf began to panick. The pains in his chest were intensifying as he watched Irene and her cow make their way to the exit. "Irene!" He yelled as he tried to move himself upwards. But it was no use, Irene was so caughtup in her new fairytale life with her beloved cow friend, that she failed to hear Alf's cry for help.

The next morning, the three were still trapped under the hay, and Alf was exhausted. Alf decided that there was nothing left for him to do, but call the coppers. He picked up his mobile and dialed 000.

Still lying in pain(and still being beaten up by cows), Ash felt his phone vibrating. He reached into his pocket and opened his phone, only to discover that it was Alf that was calling him! A confused Ashton answered the call and asked Alf what was going on. "Bloody hell Ash! Now that Jack is in a wheel chair you're the only cop in Summerbay! The least you could do is respond to emergency calls and help people in trouble!" Ash copped further abuse from Alf, who incase you hadn't noticed, hated Ash's guts and blamed Ash for this accident. "I'm stuck in here too Mr Stewart! Maybe I would be able to help you if you didn't keep throwing things at me!" Alf was stubborn and hung up on Constable Nayder. "Strike me flamin rome! He's a slack copper that one."

Alf's constant yelling at Ash had cause Martha to wake up from her coma. She was week but managed to get the words out "cows... where are they?" Martha Junior (Martha's favourite cow) jumped in joy over hearing the voice of his owner and much loved companion. "Moomoomoo." Martha called to her cows. "Moomoomoomoo" the cows called back.

To be continued...

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