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Once Upon A Time... (by furrylogic) - comments


Skykat
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Anna you already know I love this but just in case you didn't get it I LOVE THIS STORY.

It's so beautiful, there's a magical quality to this, an innocence. It's so natural, so moving and the description is just excellent.

I loved the structure with the flashbacks, really well done. this story just flowed from beginning to end.

The vines upon it overgrown, twisting and weaving, each with its own spirit, own energy. But brought together they overpower the fragile brown base as if a hundred arms are all extended out, reaching to find another arm. Causing it to struggle against the suffocating weight. As if it is being strangled to death.

But it screamed life.

I loved that description the first time I read it and I love it more now that you've added to it. really superbly wrote.

A world of make believe, of friendship, of young love.

that line is just so innocent for me, so childlike and sweet.

Silence.

Overpowering silence.

Tears flowing freely down her cheeks only to be hastily brushed away. Slowly she lifted her eyes looking into theirs. Couldn’t they see the pain, the hurt they had created within..

No.

All they could see was a twelve year-old child.

Their child.

You've added this bit in and I'm glad you did. I can really imagine that's how she'd feel, I really got a sense that her parents didn't understand. that they didn't really know her, really well done.

He'd never known her to look this way before. He knew when she was happy; her eyes would light up like they had a million fireflies hovering around inside them. When she was sad or upset her eyes would glaze over, like a misty morning and he couldn’t bring himself to look at her, for fear he wouldn’t be able to find her amongst it all.

fireflies and misty mornings...completely unique descriptions and really, really vivid.

Mesmerised by their movements, she sat watching the reds, yellows and browns twirl in circles, then slowly cascade down towards the dirt trail where they finally settled back into their original resting place.

That reminds me of my childhood when I used to watch the little hover leaves spin to the ground. Again really touchingly innocent and the color description really brings it to life.

Vines had tangled themselves around the base thickly as though they were holding so many gentle pieces together and without them, they would all fall away into nothing.

You should just write an essay describing a tree, the imagery is so vivid.

Without thinking her feet lead her to a path hidden under years of dead leaves, but one she could never forget.

I loved how you developed their bond through their memories of each other. It was so realistic.

Gazing at the landscape before her, tears began to well in her eyes. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw her childhood hide away. So many memories began flooding back. The tree, its vines still smothering its life away. But now, it seemed to have given in to their hold on it. Slowly it was dying inside and out.

That description is great on so many levels because it reflects the feelings of the children, how they were dying without each other. Really powerful stuff.

Her dress flying in the wind as she ran freely down the path, fairy wings placed on her back making her feel as if she could fly. She had never felt so alive.
As the sun set, her wings glimmered in the light, making them come alive, and he had never felt more at home with the world they became lost in.
This had a really magical feel to it, the fairytale theme was beautiful all the way through and really highlighted their childhood innocence.

Probably I've gone into more detail than necessary and I said a lot in my origional review but this is a really fantastic piece of work and I hope you do well with it.

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  • QUIET ACHIEVER changed the title to Once Upon A Time... (by furrylogic) - comments

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