jenlee Posted August 21, 2008 Report Share Posted August 21, 2008 Just wondering if anyone has any theories on the 'less is more' saying when it comes to writing. I have two paragraphs that basically end the same way yet one has a lot more added to it. I don't particularly think it is needed but at the same time I could be wrong and it could be helpful to readers. I will post them and if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. “Then give me a reason not to go. Tell me to stay and I will.” She said pleadingly, squeezing his hand until he finally met her eyes with his own. That is the shorter one (obviously) that sort of gets straight to the point, the next one elaborates more. “Yeah.” She paused, knowing that the words about to come out of her mouth were probably a mistake, but unable to stop them. Damn that verbal diarrhea. “If they had offered me this a month, or even a week ago I would have turned them down because, well you know, we were still together. I mean, my family and friends will be here for me no matter where I go or when I come back, relationships however usually don’t last the distance. And now, the only reason I would stay was if we were still together, or if there was a chance of us getting back together.” She paused again to take a breath. “Give me a reason to stay. Give me a reason to stay and I will.” Thanks in advance for any help Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solaris Posted August 21, 2008 Report Share Posted August 21, 2008 Just wondering if anyone has any theories on the 'less is more' saying when it comes to writing. I have two paragraphs that basically end the same way yet one has a lot more added to it. I don't particularly think it is needed but at the same time I could be wrong and it could be helpful to readers. I will post them and if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. “Then give me a reason not to go. Tell me to stay and I will.” She said pleadingly, squeezing his hand until he finally met her eyes with his own. That is the shorter one (obviously) that sort of gets straight to the point, the next one elaborates more. “Yeah.” She paused, knowing that the words about to come out of her mouth were probably a mistake, but unable to stop them. Damn that verbal diarrhea. “If they had offered me this a month, or even a week ago I would have turned them down because, well you know, we were still together. I mean, my family and friends will be here for me no matter where I go or when I come back, relationships however usually don’t last the distance. And now, the only reason I would stay was if we were still together, or if there was a chance of us getting back together.” She paused again to take a breath. “Give me a reason to stay. Give me a reason to stay and I will.” Thanks in advance for any help How about something in the middle? For example:- "The give me a reason to stay" She pleaded, thinking back over the time they had spent together. Was there any hope for them at all? "Tell me to stay and I will." She squeezed his hand until finally, he met her eyes with his own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenlee Posted August 21, 2008 Report Share Posted August 21, 2008 Just wondering if anyone has any theories on the 'less is more' saying when it comes to writing. I have two paragraphs that basically end the same way yet one has a lot more added to it. I don't particularly think it is needed but at the same time I could be wrong and it could be helpful to readers. I will post them and if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. “Then give me a reason not to go. Tell me to stay and I will.” She said pleadingly, squeezing his hand until he finally met her eyes with his own. That is the shorter one (obviously) that sort of gets straight to the point, the next one elaborates more. “Yeah.” She paused, knowing that the words about to come out of her mouth were probably a mistake, but unable to stop them. Damn that verbal diarrhea. “If they had offered me this a month, or even a week ago I would have turned them down because, well you know, we were still together. I mean, my family and friends will be here for me no matter where I go or when I come back, relationships however usually don’t last the distance. And now, the only reason I would stay was if we were still together, or if there was a chance of us getting back together.” She paused again to take a breath. “Give me a reason to stay. Give me a reason to stay and I will.” Thanks in advance for any help How about something in the middle? For example:- "The give me a reason to stay" She pleaded, thinking back over the time they had spent together. Was there any hope for them at all? "Tell me to stay and I will." She squeezed his hand until finally, he met her eyes with his own. Thanks, I really like that. Do you think I need the stuff about her familiy and friends or do you think readers will get why she would only stay for him? Or do you think I don't need to adress that at all? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solaris Posted August 21, 2008 Report Share Posted August 21, 2008 Just wondering if anyone has any theories on the 'less is more' saying when it comes to writing. I have two paragraphs that basically end the same way yet one has a lot more added to it. I don't particularly think it is needed but at the same time I could be wrong and it could be helpful to readers. I will post them and if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. “Then give me a reason not to go. Tell me to stay and I will.” She said pleadingly, squeezing his hand until he finally met her eyes with his own. That is the shorter one (obviously) that sort of gets straight to the point, the next one elaborates more. “Yeah.” She paused, knowing that the words about to come out of her mouth were probably a mistake, but unable to stop them. Damn that verbal diarrhea. “If they had offered me this a month, or even a week ago I would have turned them down because, well you know, we were still together. I mean, my family and friends will be here for me no matter where I go or when I come back, relationships however usually don’t last the distance. And now, the only reason I would stay was if we were still together, or if there was a chance of us getting back together.” She paused again to take a breath. “Give me a reason to stay. Give me a reason to stay and I will.” Thanks in advance for any help How about something in the middle? For example:- "The give me a reason to stay" She pleaded, thinking back over the time they had spent together. Was there any hope for them at all? "Tell me to stay and I will." She squeezed his hand until finally, he met her eyes with his own. Thanks, I really like that. Do you think I need the stuff about her familiy and friends or do you think readers will get why she would only stay for him? Or do you think I don't need to adress that at all? It would really depend on how you had approached her possibly leaving. Has she told her family/friends? If so then a comment from a family member to the effect of "Whatever you decide to do, we will always support you, you know that" Would address the issue without junking up (for want of a better way to phrase it) the emotional scene with her boyfriend/ex boyfriend. As long as there has been character and plot development about their relationship/break-up prior to this conversation, I think readers will understand why she would only stay for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenlee Posted August 21, 2008 Report Share Posted August 21, 2008 Just wondering if anyone has any theories on the 'less is more' saying when it comes to writing. I have two paragraphs that basically end the same way yet one has a lot more added to it. I don't particularly think it is needed but at the same time I could be wrong and it could be helpful to readers. I will post them and if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. “Then give me a reason not to go. Tell me to stay and I will.” She said pleadingly, squeezing his hand until he finally met her eyes with his own. That is the shorter one (obviously) that sort of gets straight to the point, the next one elaborates more. “Yeah.” She paused, knowing that the words about to come out of her mouth were probably a mistake, but unable to stop them. Damn that verbal diarrhea. “If they had offered me this a month, or even a week ago I would have turned them down because, well you know, we were still together. I mean, my family and friends will be here for me no matter where I go or when I come back, relationships however usually don’t last the distance. And now, the only reason I would stay was if we were still together, or if there was a chance of us getting back together.” She paused again to take a breath. “Give me a reason to stay. Give me a reason to stay and I will.” Thanks in advance for any help How about something in the middle? For example:- "The give me a reason to stay" She pleaded, thinking back over the time they had spent together. Was there any hope for them at all? "Tell me to stay and I will." She squeezed his hand until finally, he met her eyes with his own. Thanks, I really like that. Do you think I need the stuff about her familiy and friends or do you think readers will get why she would only stay for him? Or do you think I don't need to adress that at all? It would really depend on how you had approached her possibly leaving. Has she told her family/friends? If so then a comment from a family member to the effect of "Whatever you decide to do, we will always support you, you know that" Would address the issue without junking up (for want of a better way to phrase it) the emotional scene with her boyfriend/ex boyfriend. As long as there has been character and plot development about their relationship/break-up prior to this conversation, I think readers will understand why she would only stay for him. Thats the thing, I'm just going through the story, editing bits and pieces and this is in the prologue. However the rest of the story starts two years on and there are plenty on flashbacks throughout the fic so I think I will do what you said and add in a bit from a family member there and keep the prologue/scene with bf brief and non-junky lol. Thanks heaps, you've really helped and made me see a way to fix some things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solaris Posted August 21, 2008 Report Share Posted August 21, 2008 You're welcome happy editing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted August 25, 2008 Report Share Posted August 25, 2008 Okay, I wasn't sure where to post this seeing as this isn't to do with a HAA fic, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. Okay, I just realized I really suck at description. Right now I'm attempting a new fic, which actually requires more description than dialogue. I don't necessarily hate writing description, but mostly I use dialogue to move my stories forward. Even though this is something I'm doing for fun in my spare time this fic I know I'm taking on something really big, and something I've never attempted. Anyone have any tips, suggestions etc? I can try give a few examples; just reading them over they sound really raw, and I don't know if it's just me being critical or someone needs to teach me how to write Eh, here's one I'm not particularly happy about: [Help PLEASE? Solaris is right about the break-up of description. When you write description don't just see it, FEEL it. Like this (I'll only take part of the second paragraph because I'll be watching BB soon and should be working on SBH anyway ): An overwhelming smell of burnt coffee grinds, grease and human blood assaulted by nostrils. My chest tightened and a feeling of nausea overwhelmed me. Images flashed through my mind now - nightmarish images...my teeth sinking into soft human skin, the terror on my victim's face; the taste of the salty red liquid flowing smoothly into my mouth... Hope that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I love music Posted August 25, 2008 Report Share Posted August 25, 2008 Just wondering if anyone has any theories on the 'less is more' saying when it comes to writing. I have two paragraphs that basically end the same way yet one has a lot more added to it. I don't particularly think it is needed but at the same time I could be wrong and it could be helpful to readers. I will post them and if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. “Then give me a reason not to go. Tell me to stay and I will.” She said pleadingly, squeezing his hand until he finally met her eyes with his own. That is the shorter one (obviously) that sort of gets straight to the point, the next one elaborates more. “Yeah.” She paused, knowing that the words about to come out of her mouth were probably a mistake, but unable to stop them. Damn that verbal diarrhea. “If they had offered me this a month, or even a week ago I would have turned them down because, well you know, we were still together. I mean, my family and friends will be here for me no matter where I go or when I come back, relationships however usually don’t last the distance. And now, the only reason I would stay was if we were still together, or if there was a chance of us getting back together.” She paused again to take a breath. “Give me a reason to stay. Give me a reason to stay and I will.” Thanks in advance for any help Again, Solaris is right in the advice given. Your first quote is much, much better than the second. Don't feel you have to over-explain to your readers. If you want to say more about events leading up to what happens, put it in italics and tell it as a flashback scene. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack+martha=trooluvv Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 Hi... I was thinking of starting a new fic that is set int he early 1800's, featuring Jack as a peasant and Martha as the heir to the throne of England, and how they fall in love, yahdiyahdiya. And then run away on a big boat to the new settlement in Australia called, what else, Summer Bay I'm a bit owrried about it though because it wouldn't be sexy, the language would be old-fashioned and the plot fairly slow-moving, though with lots of twists, I have no idea whether people would want to read that and find it interesting. Plus the fact that it's yet ANOTHER Jack & Martha fic and most poeple seem to have gone off them and want smouldering Adelle fics A brief word of advice would be great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PINK Posted August 29, 2008 Report Share Posted August 29, 2008 ^I'd read it, it souns great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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