I don't even know where to start ? I just know that I need to get this out somewhere....
I just feel so......lost and alone right now and just generally like I'm in a different universe right now. Why is life so unfair ? Why does everything that comes towards me have to be bad ? Why do some peoples families have plain sailing happiness whilst mine gets heartache after heartache ? This life is so horrible, I just dont understand why! I HATE how it can just take anything away at any given time.
Early morning on friday the 9th of December my beautiful brother was taken away from us in a horrific car accident. I will never forget how I felt when the police knocked on our door to break the news to us on that cold winters morning, everything went from being so perfect to completely soul destroying in the space of a few short moments. It was just the hardest thing to take in.......If I'm being honest it still hasn't registered with me that this person who was such a constant presence in my life is now gone forever.....Just like that! I don't know how I am walking and talking and living at the moment , I just am,.....somehow. He was ALWAYS such a huge presence in my house, because he didn't work and would just always be THERE in the house........ Just around, and it hurts like hell that hes ....gone!
I've noticed myself how over the past week how my emotions have turned from shock.......to grief........to anger and wanting to blame somebody! But right now I feel completely shocked,sad,angry all at the same time. I don't know how to feel........ I know that to some extent I am in denial, still just expecting him to come in the door. How can somebody be here one minute and then gone the next ? its absolute MADNESS!!
I'm no stranger to grief since I lost my mother in 2006 but there is a great difference between grieving for someone who was dying slowly than a sudden death. Not saying that its in ANYWAY easier because its not.......Only that when something so shocking comes out of the blue it feels like an absolute kick the mind. I've always been grateful that we had the chance to say goodbye to my mother, and its only now I realise how much I properly appreciated it. To die in a car accident and suffer horrific injuries without your family by your side is just about the single worst thing I could imagine......... But it was a reality for my poor harmless brother. What kind of world would take such a lovely young man away in the blink of an eye ?
The week was hard with the funeral, burial, people etc but I knew from the get go that it was always going to be the weeks and months afterwards when everything had settled down that would be the absolute worst. As the days go by I miss him more and more, and I feel that I'm drowning in my emotions because I cant figure out my feelings inside my head..........Althought most of the time I just don't feel anything only pure numbness........... I don't know whether it feels better being sad or just numb and detached
They brought him home to us where he was laid out in our house for the night for people to come and pay their respects, and I cant explain it but it was just so comforting actually having him at home with us! He just looked so peaceful I would have happily kept him there in that state forever because at least in a sense he was still with us. He was there.....But he was gone......but it was almost as if he was still with us. Its hard to explain...
All week long all I could think to myself is............. Im not ACTUALLY carrying the 2nd member of my family out of our house in a wooden box am I ? Even me speaking about this right now it feels like Im talking about someone else talking about their family.
The ONLY shred of comfort I have right now is that he is happy being with our mother once again and has found peace! It doesn't help with how I feel but its a nice thought to have I guess.
Im really sorry for going on and on guys, I just had to vent somewhere!