TelephotoMarigold

JarlieFanEver (Sarah) is having trouble getting into the forum. She can only see posts if she is logged on as a guest. She can't post anything. Have suggested a few things for her to try but nothing has worked, hence putting this here on her behalf. She's on a laptop and uses Google or Safari as her search engine. She's tried logging in and logging out again. The board shows her as online even when she's not. Have told her that the forum was updated recently and perhaps this is the reason for restricted access. Any clue as to help her?

^^ This is neither helpful or constructive. Rules of writing say that a first chapter should introduce us to the story. Stephen King, William Faulkner, Lewis Carroll, and Frank McCourt are just a few of the many authors who have written short chapters proving that great length doesn't necessarily mean good storytelling. QA is correct, however, in that conversations need to be laid out differently, so that would mean you'd have to write your story like this. "Hey love," Irene said happily as she walked into the house with the shopping. "Hey, Irene," Nate replied warmly getting up to help her. "Did you hear Bianca and the gang are coming back for a few days?" "No way really that's great news," Nate replied with a smile. "Yeah darl, I'm not so sure I can sense something fishy is going on!" Heath, Bianca, and Ricky are sitting in the car on the road. "Did you tell her?" Ricky asked. "I couldn't," Bianca replied. "Well she'll find out soon and I think soon may be too soon," Heath replied. As for plot even with two short paragraphs, we can tell there are characters returning who may not be welcome, or something else is going on. To expand on what you've written think about adding in details about where they are, for example, we know Irene lives in the Beach house but does your reader? Why is Nate there? We know he's her lodger but think about what you can tell a reader who maybe is new to Home and Away. Other points to think about: What kind of car are they in, what colour is it, who's driving? How long have they been travelling? Are they looking forward to seeing anyone when they return to the Bay? Another thing you can add in is how the weather is. Is it hot and sunny, is it too hot for example? Irene could perhaps start the conversation with Nate by saying, "Hey, love," Irene said happily as she walked into the house with the shopping, "Blimey, it's so hot out there I thought my eggs were going to fry before I got them home!" To which Nate could reply. "Hey Irene," Nate replied warmly getting up to help her. "I was just about to head out for a swim down the beach myself." Then in the next line, you can have Irene tell Nate about Bianca coming back. Adding detail about where the characters are and what they are doing is something called 'Scene Setting'. I'm sure you've read a story where you see a picture in your head of what is happening in the story, like almost a mini movie playing. That is what you want to aim for so put as much detail in as you can. I've sent you a message to say I'm happy to help you with your story. I think you have the makings of an interesting plot and I would like to see where you are taking the story. Look forward to reading more.

This story will be finished. A new chapter will be up by the end of the week.