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Chapter 11

It just doesn’t seem to matter the amount of stashes and over dramatic wild lunges Brody has tried. Irene Roberts, Irene Roberts of all people the person that looked so bored out of her noggin wiping tables down at that incredibly greasy fast food diner.

 

Brody would have never guessed that she was skilled at waving what looked to be a nobly piece of tree bark around,  then Brody couldn’t deny that he found her firework display quite impressive. But equally he was rather concerned when these bright wisps of fireworks started to shoot out from the tip of Irene’s wand. very strange and bizarre things started to occur almost kind of like witchcraft one could say. Brody has watched Harry Potter and funnily enough what Irene wields in her bony hand pays resemble  to the likeness of ,oh lets say for argument’s sake a wand but Brody has so often told Ava his brother Justin’s daughter that magic doesn’t really exist. Well it did but only when he was in the kitchen cooking. Ava had been very strongly insisted that he was wrong. Magic was real Brody had laughed such a Looney tune motion off  and moved on from the world of the wizardry world of the boy who lived, never thinking back and maybe wondering if a 7 year old girl might just be onto something? Such silly motions were meant to be shaken off weren’t they?

 

Sadly though that can’t be as easily said about the long coiled rattle snake that has wrapped itself around Brody’s hot and sweaty body right now, Brody Morgan not a fan of warm embracing hugs really and if anything this feeling of the rattle snake’s tight grip around him is only going further to confirm his strong dislike for close human contact.

 

Irene has been crackling all the while and Brody has to wonder as to how she isn’t experiencing like the worse sore throat ever? Like this crazy woman could laugh for the Olympic championships. She hadn’t even paused when Brody had managed to cut her face arms and stomach with the meat cleaver. Irene had just somehow managed to push on through and those cuts had just faded away shocking Brody to his very core Irene Roberts was as it turns out a very fast healer. Brody is now reaching his brink of maybe admitting defeat. These crazy women had outmatched him and worse of all invaded his lovely kitchen. Hopelessly Brody glances around to face the head of the hissing snake. The large rubbery creature had him well and truly gift wrapped with nowhere to go.

“Fine ok cool I give up but please you can have your wicked way with me, but before you do. Can I have one last request? Brody asks. Irene and the other two witches stop there wand waving and smile evilly revealing yellow and blacken rotting teeth.

 

“Request yes you may. Then we want endless supplies of pumpkin juices and if you don’t supply our coven with that delicious drink I may just turn you into a donkey because frogs and toads are soooo last century.” Irene crackles wildly causing Brody’s snake to go erect and harden  (now come on yes I’m talking to you, yes you the readers of this so called masterpiece of fiction get your dirty minds out of the gutter I’m talking about the snake that’s wrapped itself around Brody and not his…. Well you know his….ripen banana… Oh never mind as you were lets continue on shall we?   

 

“Thank you oh, thank you for granting my last request. Yes, yes I have plenty of pumpkin seeds. I will keep you well and truly pumpkin headed for the rest of your lives just please can I have a gingerbread man biscuit?” Brody begs

The three witches gaze around bug eyed and with great interest.

Gingerbread Men you say? Maud to do remember that house you used to have the one where those lovely grandchildren came to visit you?”

“How could I forget those snot nosed delights Brenda? Those little brats tried to roast me in my own oven very cheeky of them I thought Maud says shaking her head.

“What were their names of those sweet peas Maud?” Brenda asks as she sniffs the air for any hint of incoming gingery.

My grandchildren Hansel and Gretel Brenda I swear if I ever see them again I will stick cracker jacks rockets up their behinds and….”

“Oh my Gawdfather get the condemned bearded man his flipping ginger nutted man stop with this memory lane dribble darls” Irene demands tapping her foot.

“That’s the thing gingerbread does that not sit right with my inner eye? its very dangerous for us witches its like popcorn we become addicted to its manly form?”

Oh yes we do like a good old fashioned ginger nut you can’t really beat them. Brenda says licking her lips.

“oooooooh the smell of gingerbread Maud excitedly says clapping her hands with such delight and kind of floats over the gingerbread men cookies and sniffs deeply or rather snorts in their exotic aromas.

“Irene darl would you catch a eyeful of this gingery stud muffin?” Maud hoots out very loudly and very girly

 

Irene up until this point within her witchy existence, within the realms of this story just like a certain other very important and essential being to this story me the creator, My gum his got himself quite the challenging plot here hasn’t he? I wonder where he gets these ideas because I don’t know thank goodness I’m ooh wait a minute I’m the creator aren’t I? Soooooo…..errrr writers block anyone?.....Hmmm no Honestly you may just laugh but I do know where this story is going really, well at least I did when I started writing it but you know how it is. You enjoy a few ginger nuts and then you just throw caution to the wind and then you tend to waffle on like this… now where were we oh yes Brody in his underpants no wait… Irene, yes Irene.

 

Up until this point in the story, she hadn’t realised that she has a rather wacko a doddle weaknesses to ginger men or for a better term gingerbread men. Soon as she sees Maud holding one out to her Irene goes weak at the knees, and her mouth starts to water gush really. Maud is right that little gingerbread man is quite the stallion. Brenda too she lunges towards the tasty looking men on their baking tray.

 

“Errrr ladies I have got a kitchen to be getting back too. if your not going to molest me or anything and its ok you can have my last requested biscuit its no worries” Brody turns to the large and scary well less scary snake in truth they had been spooning for quite sometime now and are feeling quite bonded. Brody might just go as far as to say that now because of this experience he may consider himself a less awkward hugger.

 

Irene, Maud and Brenda turn towards Brody and mumble something causing little pellets of doughy gingery crumbles to fly across at him. The large rattle snake drops to his feet and quickly Brody kind of half skips and jumps over the long  coiled rubbery hissing creature as its seems to melt away into the depths of kitchen linoleum. It seems with the consumption of anything gingery it breaks witches concentration levels and that is a very important skill to have when you’re an evil spell casting troublesome old hag.

 

Brody runs straight for his trousers, and next to them is his rather long and stringy elastic banded belt. Normally the belt is very handy with keeping his baggy chef trousers well above his ankles Looking at his belt now it suddenly dawns on Brody that it might just be long enough to maybe use as a whip. Ducking down ever so slightly because he still needs to be cautious here, because even though the three witches taste buds are at this very moment caught up in a gingery orgasm of a lot of sighing and moaning and looking like they just can’t get enough of Brody’s fresh gingerbread men, the crazy hags are still blasting at him with what Brody only thinks are popping fireworks. Because now would they really be a collection of some very dangerous spells that might just cause him to oh I don’t know to maybe die?

 

The oven is still alight and burning with its amber orangey glow and the kitchen door has just swung on open, and a very grumpy looking Alf stands within the doorway glaring over at Irene with her new found man. Alf would never have thought that he would come to see the day when he would become jealous of biscuit a biscuit shaped flaming man.

 

“Irene you flaming Shelia, now lets cut through the galahs am I going to get my flaming leg over tonight or what? A man can’t sit on his flaming tod all night you know and not feel just a tiny bit rejected I….”

 

Alf stops short when Irene shoves the head of gingerbread man right in his flaming cake hole Irene then holds her next yummy gingerbread man high into the air where the smells starts to waft on through to the other gathered witches outside of the kitchen.

Brody hears the insane yelp and the rush of feet run towards the kitchen and he thinks God no he must protect this kitchen at all costs. He grips that trouser belt ever so menacing within his iron grasped fist, and with a very impressive whoosh and a bone crackling snap sends the whipping action of his belt right into a tray of cooling gingerbread men. The force of the impact causes and sends the small tray of gingerbread fellows tumbling into the flame licking heated baking oven.

 

Alf can swear to the great galah in the sunny sky that he can hear the stampede of advancing elephants approaching, and he best mind out of the way he thinks because this doorway to the kitchen seems to be their chosen targets and in the name of every holy that is named Hogan Alf doesn’t want to become fish food….but oh no Alf’s been knocked down and there’s crowd of charging witches piling on through the doors like a group of lemmings and all the pointy noses follow the scent of their favourite food in the whole wide world. THE GINGERBREAD MAN.

“STOP YOU FOOLS” Morag bellows out but she can’t be heard over all the excitement and chaos.

 

The coven of witches go forth the pointed noses leading them into the big fierily orangey pits of flame and with that flame comes their doomed fates. The long line of lemming following witches sizzle scream howl and pop and turn to nothing more than blubbing pus. 

Brody drops his belt looks to the open oven door with a startled meerkat stance and runs for the door. The chef doesn’t spot that Irene has her broomstick stuck out to trip him and that is what he does. Brody goes sailing falling into static chairs and tables as he does so. He catches sight of Tori who seems to have become engrossed with the silverware or maybe that’s a glass ball? Brody doesn’t have time to register anything much of anything other than a small green hopping creature on the ground with huge pouting lips pushed out to help in breaking his fall.

 

First comes the fine bone structure pressing up into Brody face, and then the smooth long blond hair brushing against his face, and then the tongue starts to massage and entwine with Brody’s and then Brody realises as he pulls back for a slight intake of air, that he is indeed kissing the frog legged lover dreamboat of man the sexy Ash, and even though Tori is now gazing upon Ash and even though she’s kind of  wishing that she had broken his toady spell instead of Nate’s it very much looks to her that Ash has only gotten eyes only for Brody if the noises of enjoyment of their shared kiss is anything to go by. Tori shrugs as she wanders back over to a crackling Morag who is at this moment in time is desperately in need of witch requirements,  and given how cute and innocent Tori looks Morag thinks she’s just the sort of witch she might be looking for. Every innocent and quiet seeming person has a mischievous side to them do they not? 

 

Alf  has been ordered to stay with the dragons while Irene Maud and Brenda go out seeking  revenge for burning of their sisterhood. Irene, Maud and Brenda have come up with a dastardly dirty trick kind of schemes, and to go about achieving this evil deed the three witches dragons would easily be seen  so Alf is somehow conned into babysitting with the promise of  having the three women’s shared passion later on. But even without that on the bed as Alf so hopes for later on would you argue when stood next to three fire breathing dragons? Plus there was a bonus the dragons could swoop over the water for the old man and grace him with countless mouthfuls of juicy fish for him until the three witches’ returned.  Alf laughs as Irene’s dragon Mick as he fly’s high then dips down low and catches the old mans first helpings of fish underneath the moonlit sky quite romantic really.

 

The net lining curtains billow gently as Billie finishes rocking Luc in her arms all is peaceful and calm. Oh who is Billie trying to kid? Wally was still acting quite the wally down the hallway this time the crazy old man was walfing on about spin washes and did VJ realise that Chris was at this moment spinning around time like some kind of time travelling kangaroo jumping and spinning from one time period to another. Billie turns towards the bedroom window The glow from the sliver glinted moon reflects shadows of ghostly shapes inviting them into the room. There’s a sound of  a distressed cat coming from outside, but instead of it coming from somewhere down below maybe under the covers of deep undergrowth it sounds to Billie as if its coming from upon high as if it’s flying through the air. Billie tip toes ever so carefully towards the sounds with Luc gently clapping while within her embrace The wind blows stronger as Billie nears the window. She wasn’t sure why it was even open VJ insisting that fresh air is good for babies’ lungs or something. Billie had only nodded and smiled at the time of VJ’s suggestion as she had to just make VJ smile. his smile was just dreamy and she loved it, so it had been window open But little did VJ know with open windows that often meant that unwanted nasty things or creatures can get in It only takes a second and the one thing that precious thing that you hold so dearly can just be whisked away and……..

 

“Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile Oooooooooh Billllllllllllle darls its only Rennie here”

Billie glances towards the window Irene can be heard but Billie is unsure of where from. as Billie glances upwards the window suddenly snaps and the glassed panel thunders upwards and then as quick as a flash old bony arms reach on through the opened gap and Luc is pinched right from underneath Billie’s nose. Billie screams as she sees Irene hovering within reaching distance of the opened windless space. But as Billie reaches out for Luc Irene causes the windowed glassed panel to come crashing down causing Billie to fall backwards into the room with pulsing injured reddened fingers from crushing them beneath the window panel.

Billie can do nothing but watch Irene turn around on her broomstick and fly away with Luc Maud and Brenda turn and wink towards Billie who instantly starts yelling for the others Her baby daughter had been kidnapped by some very scary looking witches

 

Chris is falling into something very soft and wet as he lands facedown in what he hopes is only the worlds largest mud mask.worse of all this watery substance he has landed in is very runny and very brown and smells like?……you decide readers come on now get interactive        

 

 

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I will be surprised if this chapter doesn't have you all lost for words But I have noted your requested votes haha

Chapter 12

Chris is falling into something very soft and wet as he lands facedown in what he hopes is only the worlds largest mud mask worse of all this watery substance he has landed in is very runny and very brown and smells like………..chocolate apparently, chocolate, really?  Your chosen requests are just too kind. I was going to be much crueller but chocolate it is then. Errrrrr right…..that could be a problem given there are countless huge gaping holes of the stuff and stationed at each of these prehistoric rock pools is a long necked Brachiosaurus or if like me and you’re a bit  dim and hadn’t realised that was their official name up until you watched Jurassic Park that is, and you only thought they were known as the long necked friendly dinosaur who were vegetarian  I couldn’t really laugh at you too much.

 

Well back to the story we go so grab onto your underpants knickers or even hats because this is me heading off into the unknown thanks to me turning this into a interactive type of story.

 

As Chris realises that it’s a pond of chocolate he has fallen into he can’t quite believe it, Who would have thought that a billons of years ago before man, woman or child had even stepped on to the earth there was such a thing as smooth, creamy and luxurious melt in you mouth kind of candy known as chocolate, and how could this discovery come to exist? well hmmmmmm………talk amongst yourselves for a while, while I go consult my textbook of wacky ideas bear with……

 

Now on the subject of bears Matt sits bouncing Mr Bojangles the panda up and down on his knee. The bear glares back at him very sternly it has somehow managed to cross his tiny little arms.

 

“Are you sure he likes this Evie he barely looks happy?” Matt says.

“How does he look?” Evie asks as she goes about spreading a blueprint spreadsheet of plans for the school she’s helping to build out onto Irene’s kitchen table.

“His looking Grizzly” Matt simply states.  

“Give him something to eat maybe? Evie suggests.

“Like what porridge?” Mat asks.

Evie glances up looking perplexed at Matt.  

“Matt this isn’t Goldilocks and the Three Bears you know? Porridge oh my days no here take this” Evie hands Matt a handful of raisins. Matt gazes at the tiny pieces of fruit with a profound look of fear. Surely the little panda would just bite off his fingers if he tries to feed it something so small.

 

“Oh so did you all have a nice Timeout while my brain was buffering? Textbook consulted and dinosaur chocolate dilemma dairy milked into a bite sized piece of reality for you all Get this work of genius..

 

Dinosaurs, the Brachiosaurus especially, who would have guessed it in a million years that dinosaurs really loved chocolate, and why wouldn’t they? All the trees of our vastly gigantic landscape why all the trees branches were littered with low hanging cocoa beans see so simple. Brachiosaurus eat plants, and lets be honest to eat only that day in day out well that would be like eating  the biggest most boring salad ever, so when a cocoa bean is there one would take it wouldn’t they? The cocoa bean would act as a sort of spice for your grassy meal. But the Brachiosaurus were allergic to cocoa beans oh yes and they would have violent episodes of runny diarrhoea, which turn the cocoa beans into blankets of creamy smoothness, and thanks to there being no  pollution in the air its freshness aids the chocolate with its smells of sweetness.

 

So there you go a history lesson for you all, dinosaurs were the inventers of chocolate of course makes sense to us all now. Well to us at least, Chris is still as baffled as ever at watching a dinosaur poo only to realise that it smelt like Cadburys chocolate bar. There are of course other brands available but as Cadburys is the best in my opinion and I haven’t bothered to have done my research of Australian chocolate brands because I’m just too lazy top do so hey least I’m honest, and soooooooooo that means as Google hasn’t told me otherwise Cadburys by far outranks everything else. Oh yes now back to the plot….

 

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW you little…….”

“Take care of the bear Matt will you?” Evie warns.

Oh Haha haha are you trying to be funny? care bear care of the bear these are barely bear puns are they Evie?” Matt says sucking at his sore slightly bitten fingers Mr Bojanges had waffled down those raisins at a greedily fast pace.  

“Oh stop having such a yoga Matt please” Evie says barely being able to contain her laughter.

“Now what do I do with it?” Matt says holding up the baby panda.

“I have a bottle of milk you could feed it” Evie hands Matt the baby bag of supplies

“Oh and there’s a change of nappies in there too. You don’t want a panda messing up Irene’s floor now do we?”

Matt loves Chris and everything but trust him to be the typical man and go vanishing when it comes to nappy changing time. This very moment in time Matt could have easily scratched every single discs of Chris’s Jackie Chain movie DVD collection, for the sheer motion of putting their names forward for adopting a african panda bear. What had Chris got in mind next to maybe teach it kung foo? Matt shakes his head as he places the frowning little panda down onto his little changing mat. Evie laughs at Matt’s face as he tries to work it if its even possible to put a regular nappy onto a panda in the first place.

 

The roar comes at a deafening volume, and Chris being like the biggest toy dinosaur collector when he was younger knows exactly what dinosaur is about to burst out from amongst the cocoa bean treetops. That dinosaur is none other than a Tyrannosaurs Rex, handy then that Chris just happens to find forgotten about pieces of his own prize winning burger squashed within the linings of his trousers.

Branches and brushes sway and bend and rip from their roots as the Tyrannosaur Rex crashes on through the forested enclosure. The man eating monster thunders over to where Chris is hiding within his deep chocolate puddle. Luckily Chris had also found himself some straws in the pocket which contained his namesake burger. Chris now uses one of those straws to breathe through as a sort of oxygen aid while he sinks himself down within the chocolate. The Tyrannosaurs Rex has not long ago cleared his sinuses with the help from a mass of some very large minty smelling leaves The gigantic dinosaur bends down lower and peers down into the clear chocolaty liquid.  Glasses not yet having been invented the Tyrannosaurs doesn’t even batter a eyelid to the possibility that he might be very short sighted, but standing at his full on monstrous height he hadn’t noticed the small popping bubbles that are making their way to the surface from every time Chris breathes out from the straw but up close the Tyrannosaurs Rex grows ever so more the wiser.

 

Chris feels the heat of the Tyrannosaur ‘s breath drawing ever so closer, and Chris is starting to get a bad case of brain freeze from sucking through his cold chocolate stained straw. It was now make it or break it time and Chris has to make his next daring move of strategy.

 

Matt lays on the sofa exhausted his plonked Mr Bojangles down in front of the TV and the young panda is up close to the screen touching the glass with its paws. The bear is crying its watching a wildlife show that just happens to be about panda bears that are facing extinction. Probably not the best choice of programme made by Matt there. The baby panda much more enjoys the adventures of Paddington Bear that Evie has quickly decided that, that is a wiser choice of viewing for the young furry beast.

 

Chris has emerged from that pool of chocolate like some wild mudslide monster from some sort of logon muggy bogged swamp and now his running, running like there’s no tomorrow. The Tyrannosaurs Rex would have been right on Chris’s heels if Chris hadn’t splashed the dinosaur right in his eyes with thick glop’s of chocolate when he had made his daring escape. Chris shouts for joy he had took on the most fierce dinosaur known in history and won, and he hadn’t even steeped on a butterfly yet and messed or changed time as of yet and all was good with the world and…. clonk Chris feels the harden wooden club whack him in the head and then there’s darkness.

 

The dripping of the small raindrops splash onto Chris’s forehead and he awakes with a start. When his eyes open a blonde girl of what say at least thirty years old or maybe nineteen peers down at him.

The girl grunts and calls the rest of her family over. A family of cave people to the great surprise of Chris.

 

There’s a man, and woman wearing a very flowery and tight dish cloth and there’s a second young girl who is busying herself with great interest at Chris’s mobile phone that must have fallen from one of his pockets.

 

“Me Ben” the man says coming forwards.

 

“I is Chris” Chris replies.

 

“This my woman Mags and daughter Zig and Cooco Pops the man gestures towards his family.

 

Chris smiles real life cave people. Chris is just about to ask for his phone back when the time travelling watch on his waist starts to buzz and whirl and then Chris jumps forwards way into the future but to him it only seems to be a large slivery wide glassed room. Chris finds himself sitting on a chair amongst a long line of other people. Opposite them is a long line of numbered doors and from time to time people dressed as doctors exit these doors look down to their clipboards and call a person forwards handing them a rather large jar. Chris’s name is called

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If you thought the last chapter was crazy this one's squawking.

Chapter 13

Chris steps on through the mysterious heavy cloud of mist that now swirls around the huge door he has entered on through. The door slams shut but Chris doesn’t hear the thundering noise that the door makes, because upon ahead there’s the unmistakeable sound of cheers and loud applause, and even excited chanting. The chanting of his name over and over again, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS. Following these sounds of chaos lead Chris to a granitic television studio. Chris emerges from the swirls of mist and is thrown right into the bright lights of dazzling world of showbiz of the lights cameras and people shouting ACTION. The audience that sit around the outing edges of the large studio go absolutely and utter bonkers clapping and hollering, whistling some even throw out their undergarments some of which smack Chris in the face as he gazes out gaping starry eyed with the feeling of sudden butterfly induced stage fright. 

 

“HELLO I SAY, HELLO EVERYBODY” shouts out a very loud sounding TV announcer who’s probably off somewhere far above the rafters of this brightly lit studio ceiling hidden away secretly from some unknown view.

The audience cheer back their excitement.

 

“WHAT WAS THAT EVERYBODY I DIDN’T QUITE HEAR YOU  ALL I SAY I SAY AGAIN HELLO EVERYBODY!!!”

The audience cheer back even more loudly.

 

“THAT’S BETTER NOW WELCOME ALONG I’M YOUR VOICE ANNOUNCER CAPTAIN GRAMHAM BIRDSEYE, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF BABY BIRDS WITH CYNTHIA BLUE TITS, AND HERE SHE IS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ITS YOUR FEATHERY HOST COME HOME TO ROOST MISS CYNTHIA BLUE TITS YAYAAAY…..”

 

The audience go maniac with earth shattering glee, as a long necked smiling swan wearing rosy red lipstick waggling her way across the studio, holding up her large wings as a way of greeting the crowd. The white swan female bird waggles her way over to Chris and then raises he hand with her orange beak. Cheers erupt once more for Chris’s benefit and then they die all of a sudden, and Chris just stands there very awkwardly and the seconds tick by, Chris can hear them do just that thanks to the giant studio clock which towers itself over a large purple rose petal covered sofa.

 

“Chris my lovely come on take up a nest. This programme is broadcasted out live don’t chirped away like a woodpecker come”

 

Chris nervously follows after the talking cherry shaded lip glossed swan bird lady, and sits down on the sofa. What was going on was Chris drunk out of his mind? or again is that just the writer of this story that’s either drunk or just lost his eggs from his frazzled bird nest that sits above his shoulders?

 

The white swan is being handed a microphone from backstage. Somehow she’s managed to grasp it amongst her feathery wings and before you ask no I have no egging clue how that’s logical just lets poach with it and carry on shall we? Anyways The pouting lip stick swan once again announces herself as their host Cynthia Blue Tits for a show that is apparently called Baby Birds Cynthia turns towards Chris smiling. 

 

“Hello there Chris and from all the gardens in the world, where are you from? Cynthia asks.

“Errrr I’m from a little sunny beachside town called SummerBay” Chris says leaning forwards to speak into the hovering microphone as Cynthia holds it out to him.

“Ooooh yes SummerBay I have flown over there many times with my flock. You humans are such beautiful creatures with your bodies gleaning and shiny looking as you depart from those blue waters after surfing in the sea,” Cynthia says nodding she catches Chris giving her a questioning profound kind of look.

“Hey now come on its only right that we prev on you humans some of you take bird watching up as some sort very odd hobby.” Cynthia says in a matter a factly kind of way.

“Where the Jimmy crickets am I?” Chris asks looking wide eyed over at the talking white swan with her smoothing angelic sounding voice.

 

“Chris my darling why your on the number one bird family planning clinical show. I hear that you and your partner Matthew…”

Chris laughs the very thought of Matt’s bemused reaction at anyone speaking about him so formally amuses Chris greatly.

 

“Matt his just Matt but how do you know?”

“And you and Matt you want to have a baby yes?”

“I’m sorry have I walked onto the

Sesame Street
set or something? I seem to be having a conversation with a big bird” Chris says generally thinking that maybe just maybe he had wandered onto a children’s puppet show. The audience laugh loudly

Cynthia Blue Tits squawks loudly with what only Chris can only assume is some sort of laughter.

Sesame Street
finished years ago Chris my lovely”

“Really but it is 2017 right?” Chris is meet with another wild outburst of squawking bird laughter.

“Oh Chris fry me a egg and crack my eggshells you really are a good yoker” And the year you silly little eath worm is 2033”

“Great egg puns now is it? And wait did you just say 2033?”

Cynthia Blue Tits takes hold of Chris’s arm once more and drags him over to twirl style spinning chair,that is sat behind a large screen blocking the view of the rest of the studio. Cynthia Blue Tits gently lifts Chris a few inches into the air to help him sit on the high twirling chair. Cynthia flaps a few metres from his face and goes about handing Chris small little cards. Where on earth she might be getting these small cards with what looked to be questions printed on them Chris dares not to even imagine for all he knows the small question cards may just be coming out of Cynthia’s bum, there’s not a lot of space to store things when you’re a big white naked bird who pays resemble to a swan or……………..and it suddenly dawns on Chris here that good old Cynthia isn’t a swan she’s in fact a stork.

 

Captain Graham Birdseye is back with his loud announcer’s voice and…..

 

PLEASE WELCOME THE THREE BIRDS QHO WILLCHRIS CHOOSETO PRDUCE HIS BABYBEARING EGG? WELL LETS SEE FIRST WE HAVE JENNIFER ROBINS, SHE COMES ALL THE WAY SOUTH. NEXT UP WE HAVE SCARLET SPARROWS AND SHE’SHAD TO DRAGHERSELF AWAY FROM HER BIRD BATHTO JOIN US HERE TONIGHT. LASTLY WE HAVE MAGGIE MAGPIE SHE’S A FOUNDING MEMBER OF

THATFAMOUS BIRD WAY
OF SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM TWITTER. CHRIS NOW ITS DOWN TO YOU WHICH BIRD TICKLES YOUR BIRDSEED?”

 

Chris gulps he would have never have guessed that storks were the evolutional way of handling such a complex mystery that is childbirth. Cynthia Blue Tits encourages  Chris to ask his first question.

 

“Don’t be shy Chris I’m sure that these three lovely bird’s pecks are not as bad as their bites.”

Chris smiles nervously and gazes at the small card in his hand The first question is just bizarre this was just like being on the weirdest version of that show Blind Date.

 

“Come on sweetie pie don’t lose your beak amongst the sand dunes”  Jennifer Robins squawks out.

“Ok sorry but is this for real or………….oooowwww ok, ok stop pecking my head

“I’m sorry Chris but we need to take flight while these ladybirds are feeling randy” Cynthia Blue Tits explains.

 

“How is it that storks are able to lay human eggs why don’t you give birth to your own kind?” Chris asks a very impatient looking Cynthia.

“Oh we do, But the governments have been experimenting with human foods, and whatever chemicals are in your bread crumbs that makes us very randy and sends us into a flutter and with it not being mating season just yet for us giving birth to humans gives us great pleasure. Why there are more of us storks giving birth than human women these days and for that reason we are looked upon as heroes.”

 

“That is the most barmy explanation I have ever heard but yeah fair enough I guess” Chris holds up the first card and reads it aloud. Matt doubted him when Chris had told him the baby stork was going to come to their doorstep. Chris can’t help but feel ever so slightly smug.

 

“For us to find a connection I need to know what you would cook for me on our first date and  that’’s for  number one Jennifer Robins” Chris awaits her answer.

 

“A nice juicy earthworm for the two of us to suck on” Jennifer answers rather giggly. The audience laugh wildly to this answer while Chris just feels rather sick at the prospect of doing anything as disgusting as sucking on an earth worm.

 

“Same question to number two please Scarlet Sparrows” Chris awaits her answer with the feeling of dread.

 

“I would bring you acorns and splash about with you in my bird bath” Scarlet answers.

“A slightly more kinky answer than Chris was hoping for. But still the chance to be offered a chance to splash around while in the bird’s version of a hot tub was more appealing than eating an earth worm.

 

“Same to number three please” Chris asks wincing at the answer that was surely going to flutter on over his way.

 

“I would bake you a nice pie” answers Maggie Magpie.

“Oh yes I like that sound of that what kind of pie cherry, strawberry?” Chris asks excitedly.

“Mud pie my sweetness” Maggie Magpie answers back.

Chris sighs loudly.

“So Chris which bird do you feel the most connection with so far?” Cynthia Blue Tits asks as though it’s like the most normal question in the whole wide world.

Chris glances up at her with a sort of are you serious right now type of face.

 

“Round 2 next question Chris”

Chris sighs and fly’s right into the next question.

“What is your best chat up line for me?” Chris is feeling very worried at this very moment in time.

Jennifer Robins clearly states that she wants Chris to become her very own Batman. Well that opens up the whole debate of what she had thought of the movie Batman Vs Superman, and after realising that Jennifer just doesn’t have a clue who Superman is and why she would she’s got a bird brain. Chris is disappointed that Jennifer isn’t the comic book fan as she tried to make out that she was.

 

Next Scarlet Sparrows offers to share her wing span with Chris, but with Sparrows being pretty tiny birds Chris deems that Scarlet’s wingspan isn’t at all that impressive.

Then Maggie Magpie offers Chris the chance to twang her twittering twitter which makes Chris cringe and shudder. 

Cynthia Blue Tits smiles at Chris with a somewhat quick flutter of her eyelashes. Next is the final round and then the decision will have to be made of which of these well sized storks would be the chosen one to bear Chris and Matt’s baby. The fact that there baby was going to be hatched from a egg had Chris questioning the psychics of nature. But in a world where a spinning washing machine can become some sort of wacky time machine Chris tells himself that everything is possible. 

 

“Final round now Chris my Lovely” Cynthia squawks. The excitement  is far too much for her to wrap her feathers around. Chris has to shield his head from her insistent head pecking.

 

“If I was a piece of bread what kind would I be?” Chris has to do a double take on that very strange question.

 

Jennifer compares Chris to a thick piece of doughy bread the kind she wouldn’t mind sticking her beck into.

Next Scarlet Sparrows says she wouldn’t mind Chris being a fruity raisin loaf because she thinks his rather juicy.

But Maggie Magpie is there again with yet the kinkiest answer. Chris is to be a piece of Naan Bread so she can dip him into her spices,

 

Now having reached the end of this bizarre experience Chris can only react in the most normal way and that is to faint, Sometime later when he is coming around there’s yet another stork hovering over the top of him, and she’s dressed as a ambulance driver and her name is Hannah. By gum she’s kind of pretty even for a bird. The peacock of the stork world Chris would go as far as saying, and she seems to be very moved by Chris’s charming glances at her multicoloured feathers that she just can’t seem to control herself. Its pretty much the same when us humans get so excited by something that we might just wee ourselves a little, have you come across that anytime my readers?..........No oh right just me then hashtag blush face.

Chris comes fully around from his groggy state as he watches a big white egg pop out of Hannah’s feathery bottom and then it simply rolls on over level with his face..

 

Matt is getting annoyed now, Chris wherever he is he is really starting to push his luck now, even if Evie’s here to help him out with his parenting duties. Chris can’t really expect him to be at home holding the panda. Matt has his phone in his hand and now his dialling Chris’s number, and he is going to give Chris a right piece of his mind, but also he must remember to ask his crazy boyfriend to pick up a couple of pints of milk because that panda of theirs really guzzles it down  without even stopping to take a breath.

 

Chris is surprised to have his phone ringing and is even more surprised to be hearing Matt’s voice on the other end of the phone because it is 2033 where Chris is at the moment after all. And Matt his back in 2017 waffling on about wanting bottles of milk for pandas. Chris even goes as far as thinking was Matt at zoo or something?

 

“Babe ar hmmmm Babe I will be home soon” Chris mutters into the phone half laughing at Hannah the stork perching herself upon his large baby egg.

“When will you be home Chris because I can barely cope anymore with this panda of ours being parents you takes teamwork” Matt says through clenched teeth.

 

“Oh I don’t know say roughly I will be seeing you in about eighteen years” Chris says laughing slightly.

 

“WHAT?” Matt shouts down the phone.

“Don’t worry babe I have been busy talking to birds and one was so kind as to give me her eggs. Yes I said eggs it seems she’s having twins.

 

“Chris stop talking because you’re walking on some very thin eggshells with me here” Matt sighs and cuts him off.

“Problem?” Evie asks from the other side of the room.

“Men their the problem” Matt says looking outraged.

“You seem surprised by that men have always been a problem and now you have ran off and left me for one you are about to find out how big of a problem they can be. Evie answers back laughing

 

Oh its good to know your not feeling bitter about that or anything Evie Matt says smirking

Evie laughs But her laughter is cut short as she spots a pool of panda puke dripping down her shoulder.         

  

 

 

On 28/08/2017 at 0:10 PM, JosieTash said:

With your intro to that chapter, I was expecting something David Lynch-esque [Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet] ….which it wasn’t quite. I will say you REALLY tried though.

 

 

I'm impressed I nearly reached the levels of Twin Peaks madness having not seen one single episode of that show ever :lol:

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Thank you everyone

Chapter 14

The loud booms and claps of thunder provide the constant drum beat for the spooky crackles of the night. Its strange how darkness is the home of true evil, it lurks within its  black blanket of menacing unnerving doom and gloom, The very notion of evil’s darkness worms itself inside the desperation of a humans sane mind..

 

Matt’s mind is a tired one, he has only managed to settle Mr Bojangles down for the night, Matt has now fallen back in amongst the softness of Irene’s sofa cushions, his closed his eyes and is just about to drift off to sleep and go beddy byes, and head on  back hopefully to that rather arousing dream of a few nights ago, where he and Chris had been role playing the classic game of munch my taco, But any hopes of recreating that dream are soon dashed as Matt feels a rather sharp and aggressive shove come at him in his ribs from Evie. The pain causes him to sit bolt up with a look of a rabbit who’s been caught in the headlights of a speeding car.

 

“Matt, Matt what the…….”That’s all Evie can manage before she screams very high pitchy. Matt gazes around slowly to where Evie’s very shaky finger is pointing. Irene is bent down low hovering a few metres off the ground peering in at them both through the frosted over glass of the front door. Irene is smiling and with every tap that she makes against the glass with her long bong witches finger, her smile grows larger and ever so more threatening. At the tip of her floating broomstick baby Luc sits looking very googly eyed at all her surroundings.

 

“Matt darl stop being such a girly and let good old Rennie in will you please?”

Matt shivers at the ghostly tone of Irene’s voiced request.

 

Billie has never noticed before but seeing she’s had the last two chapters or so to check out the finest details she’s becoming aware of how many times VJ’s buff train man nibbles flex. It’s been like VJ has been running towards her like a Baywatch lifeguard caught up in a slow motion sprint, but finally he has reached her and good job too Billie’s voice has become very hoarse and sore from all the bellowing she’s been doing. Billie she’s not even had any water can you imagine how incredibly dry her throat must be by now? Poor girl.

 

“VJ Irene she’s taken Luc she’s taken our baby” Billie says as VJ keels down to her level on the floor.

 

“What Irene was here?” VJ asks calmly. He had been rather alarmed when he had started to run to Billie’s aid but there’s only so long you can spend looking alarmed before your face starts to hurt you see and you think yourself is it really worth all the winkles that this will probably cause?

 

“AH BUT YOU SEE OF COURSE IRENE HAS BEEN HERE, AND OF COURSE SHE’S KIDNAPPED LUC.  IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THE PROPHECY.  OH I THINK I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT. “Wally announces from the open doorway Hunter and Olivia stand behind him.

“Well what can we do Irene’s lost her marbles” VJ says.

SHE HAS YES INDEED BUT TO REPLACE HER MARBLES SHE’S GAINED HERSELF A FLYINGBROOMSTICK AND A CAT” Wally says this in a way with which one might inform you of having run out of bread or milk.

OH AND A DRAGON, NOW HE HAS A RATHER FIERILY TEMPER” Wally finishes.

“Rennie was never like this before” Olives says coming forwards and looking rather worried. Hunter tries to comfort her but given his hobbit/elf size Olivia is now much taller than he is.

“Well Dad what’s the plan how do we go about beating Irene?” Hunter asks standing in a heroic kind of pose in his green stretchy Robin Hood man tights.

WHY HUNTER MY SON WE TAKE TO THE SKIESOURSELVES AND WE DUEL THOSE EVIL WITCHES” Wally announces walking towards the window with his arms thrown out like he was a over the top Shakespearean actor.

“And we look like we would be good at flying on broomsticks do we?” Billie asks looking astonished.

“BILLIE MY DARLING YOU WOULD I HAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT IT LOOK AT DOING ANYTHING “

“Ah he does have a valid point there Bill” VJ says as he helps her to her feet.

 

Chris is feeling rather content with life if truth be told right now. Chris had just moments ago believe it or not? Eighteen years into the distant future signed legal documents which allows his chosen baby stork at the family planning clinic or in his case Hannah to be able to fly her laid eggs up too her nest and there she will care and sit and comfort the egg until it hatches. All Chris has to make sure of is that’s his at home within eighteen years time to sign for stork home delivery.

Back in the present according to the display on the time travelling washing machine the time of one hour and twenty minutes of wash time is nearly over,  and this means that the young time bandit’s washing machine power spin travels are soon to come to a close. Time though for one last trip, A trip down into the caves with well lit lamps for a source of burning light. Chris stands before the blonde cavewoman that calls her herself Zig she’s laying beneath a high raised Pterodactyl Zig’s caveman father claims that daughter Zig is a sort of dinosaur fixer upper.

 

“Ooooh like a mechanic you mean?” Chris asks which has Ben rubbing his head in confusion with his rather enormous looking caveman club.

“She fixed goes like wind” Zig says getting up with dinosaur goo dripping from her hands.

The younger cave daughter known as Coco Pops grumbles loudly and throws Chris’s phone that she had napped from him some billons years before the phone slides on over to Chris’s feet.

“I no mobile phone keyboard warrior too hard” Coco Pops moans.

“You Chris man of future you teach Coco Pops be keyboard warrior and you can have flying dinosaur” the mother cave woman Maggie says  as she prances around showing off her skin tight fittings of cloth to her cave man Ben.

 

Matt has lowered the blinds and he and Evie are fooling themselves into believing that if they can’t see Irene with her long tapping fingernails rattling the glass from outside wanting to come in that the scary woman is no longer there. But instead of squashing their fears down the sheer rudeness and total feeling of being up right blanked has Irene seething with fury. Fine she’s going to blast that doorknob into a million little shards of splintered wood. Irene raises her wand high into the air and asks her inner w eye (who’s name is Freddie by the way) for the best door opening blasting spell.

 

VJ would have disagreed with Wally’s words of  encouragement, that in half hour they weren’t even close was even close enough to be becoming fully trained wizards But Wally has basically told them that they needed to really worry about was keeping hold onto their long slender broomsticks and not go tumbling too their deaths, because even though the clouds below them look to be big white and fluffy pillows they would not be any good at catching them.

 

Hunter had discovered that his new found hobbit/elf transformation has made him quite the little acrobat being able to walk nimbly across the shaft of his wooden stick with bow and arrow in hand.

 

Billie sits behind VJ as they zip and zap through the sky. While Olivia’s broom seems to be somewhat broken coughing out little black soothed clouds of blackened dust.

 

“ATTENTION MY FELLOW WITCH SLAYERS. BEHOLD THE ROBERT’S HOUSEHOLD, THE HOME OF THE VILLE THE UGLIEST WART FACED OLD HAG OF THEM ALL WHY’S IT’S…..”

 

“Hey Irene’s normally ok don’t be so cruel you Wally” Olivia calls out from the back of the lines of brooms.

 

“OLIVIA WE CAN’T BE HAVING EMOTIONAL TIES TO THE ENEMY THAT WILL BE DANGEROUS IT ONLY TAKES ONE MOMENT WHEN WE ARE CAUGHT OFF GUARD AND…………”

 

Wally is caught off guard and is shot directly in the chest and is blasted off his broomstick, and then he tumbles down deep within the darken sea of nothingness which is only known as the blanket of nightfall.

Olivia looks around to see Brenda and Maud Irene’s right hand witches crackling behind her, they had just killed Wally at point blank range. Hunter who’s now realising that his dad has fallen to his death has steered his broomstick around and is rapidly firing countless sharp razor pointed arrows at Brenda and Maud who hiss and yelp at the sudden impacts of pains to their bony shoulders.

 

Meanwhile VJ and Billie have chosen to head off to confront the head of the snake Irene, who for the life her can’t seem to be able to channel into her inner eye of door busting spells. Luckily for Matt and Evie they have weaponries themselves with homemade stakes made from the legs of Irene’s dinning table and chairs.

 

“Irene give me Luc back please” Billie begs. Irene swoops her broom around to face her.

“No darl I can’t do that she belongs to another it is destiny. I have been told this by my inner eye Blind Freddie he sees all.”

 

VJ growls out with sudden rage for his daughter and swings his broomstick around to ram Irene in the side. Irene lets out a startled cry and uncontrollably blasts a quick round of lightening blots into the side of VJ’s broom. Billie screams as she falls sideways and then as in slow motion VJ watches as the girl that he loves more than anything becomes one with the night. Her death is filled with a deafening stunned silence.

 

Brenda and Maud have both caught hold of Hunter’s latest attempts of fired arrows and Olivia can only watch as they are tossed back into Hunters chest. Hunter topples from his broom a look of sheer terror on his face as he is swallowed into the lurking darkness below. 

 

Irene fires upon VJ turning his broomstick into little sprinkles of wood shavings and then she watches him fall far below into the unknown.

 

Matt has ran upstairs to wake Mr Bojangles his about to become his guard panda, and now the baby bear stands alert to the chaos that is building up outside, and then a moment later Irene’s blasted the front door open and Mr Bojangles goes quickly to work gnawing at her broomstick.

 

Leah Patterson Irene’s black cat that has been sleeping beneath her witch’s hat climbs down off her head and goes and lashes out at the small panda. who in return claws Leah back.

 

“Matt darl where’s Chris I have brought you both home a little baby” Irene crackles placing Luc down onto the carpet. Luc instantly runs over to the panda and gives it a hug. Leah wraps her tail around Luc as a way to protect her from the wild teddy bear..

 

Chris sits upon on top of his Pterodactyl he spots Olivia and swoops on over to her.

 

“Liv?”

“Oh my God Chris everybody’s been killed” Olivia cries out.

“Well it’s a good job I’m here to save the day then isn’t it? Here have a polo mint.”

“What the heck Chris no thank you”

“I know I wasn’t offering you one, its so you can feed my dinosaur”

Olivia lets out a scream she has been too caught up in her grief to come to realise that Chris is sat upon a  Pterodactyl.

“Oh ok I will give you five minutes of freaking out time. But Olivia dinosaurs aren’t that scary and you want to know why I know this.. Ah I see you’re too busy screaming at the moment. Well I will tell you anyways dinosaurs poo is made of chocolate.”           

  

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This was going to be the chapter before the final one but it was way too long so I slipt it

Chapter 15

Oliva only stares back at Chris looking stunned.

“Yeah I know surmising isn’t it dinosaurs poo is actually chocolate”

“What Chris like WHAT!!!!!! EWWWWW why just why are you telling me this?” Olivia says shaking head it looks to Chris like she’s somehow trying to wipe all memory of this piece of new found startling piece of juicy history information with one simple shake of her head.

 “Chris I must admit I’m slightly freaked out that you seem to find that disgusting fact exciting. But that’s not important right now what do we do about Rennie? Everybody’s been killed?” Olivia sighs loudly throwing her hands up high over her head in annoyance.

“Oh right yeah give me a moment, or to be safe maybe even five minutes” Chris starts to fiddle with the dial on his very old fashioned waist watch that Wally had given each of them.  

“Olivia set you watch hands a few minutes back and we should be in synch with each other” Chris says looking to Olivia all gooey eyed with brimming hard to contained joy.

 

Wally’s old watch you want me to mess around with the dials what’s that’s going to achieve? Like Hunter’s said its just some old tat”

 

Chris jumps don’t from the Pterodactyl. (Yes I know I can hear you all ask but how does he manage that pembie without suffering a pair of broken legs and getting crippled when he lands and I will say to you all Chris is made of tough stuff. But mostly this was an afterthought when I came back edit this chapter. but anyways…)

Chris sweeps forwards very dramatically and looks to the sky and thenturns back to Olivia   

 “Liv we are about to embark on a Marty Mcfly type of adventure” Chris tells her with wonderment in his eyes.

“Marty Mc who?”

“Fly, so kick you heels together and lets travel to the world of OZ.”  Chris watches Olivia’s very questioning look of bafflement as there is a white flash and a pop and…

 

 

 

Tori Morgan stands holding her hovering clipboard Her mouth hangs ajar. The pen that she had been scribbling notes with has slipped from her fingers and clattered to the floor long ago. Now long blue leaked trails of ink swirl in mini pools at the feet of Irene Roberts Tori staggers backwards not only has she gotten her mouth hanging ajar at Irene having just downed a large glass bottle of vodka, and yet still she was stone cold sober, but also Chris and Oliva are standing within the  rays of sunshine from the window.

“Chris, Olivia how did you get in here the door is locked?” Tori asks staggering forwards from her great surprise at seeing them both.

“Oh you mean to say I have the wrong day for my hospital appointment Tori? Gee whiz Olivia I told you it wasn’t today But you were quite convinced bless your tiny heart” Chris says mock rolling his eyes at her look of shocked surprise to be standing inside Tori’s doctor’s office.

“Well in that case we will just pop off again, Liv my sweetness I think we went back too far in time back to the start of the story” Chris whispers. He gives a quick wave fiddles with his waist watch again and he and Oliva seem to melt into the brightness of the sunshine.

Tori staggers towards Irene’s bottle and takes a quick drink of its final drops.

“That stuff its No good for shock darl it doesn’t work” Irene tells the cute young doctor.

 

Chris and Oliva suddenly just appear back in the sky, Olivia on her broomstick and Chris on his Pterodactyl. Wally is sat before Olivia telling her not to be caught off guard.

“Wally you, wally your one to talk fly upwards now” Olivia warns him which he answers her warning with a look of brushy wizardly eye browed fury. After all his the teacher here and she’s the student and…Wally is caught off guard as Brenda and Maud blast him from his broom with the killing curses of dark magic.

 

“WALLY NO YOU TWIT” Olivia screams as he falls to his cloud misted death.

Chris sighs and fiddles with his watch face again instructing Olivia to do the same.

Wally returns and he’s there once again telling Oliva to not be caught off guard, in which she answers with a quick slap to his face. The force of the slap causes Wally’s head to snap around to the side to where Brenda and Maud await him. Wally quickly fires his own magical blast of wizard fire and topples Brenda from her broom. Maud lets out a growl of fury and lunges forwards she’s quickly caught by Hunter’s quickly fired torrent of arrows.

“HUNTER FLY TO THE SIDE” Olivia shouts but Hunter looks up startled by her voice, and his fired arrows are thrown back towards him and into his chest.

Chris rolls his eyes and goes to the aid of his time travelling watch once again.

This time around Hunter’s broom is rammed off to the side thanks to some vey skilled broom movements from Olivia and the arrows sail on passed him.

 

Billie and VJ hover in front of Irene, and instead of Billie getting knocked off her shared broomstick with VJ this time around after his cry of fury. They both tumble to their deaths from feeling the strong gusting whoosh of wind as Oliva and Chris approach them.

On their second attempt of rescue Billie grips onto VJ so tightly that their broomstick is pulled and dragged down that it ends up crashing landing somewhere far below in amongst the darkness.

 

Chris and Oliva yet again fiddle with their timey whiney devices that are at this point are starting to grow very hot, hot enough even for little smoky sparks to alight from their small time display faces.

On the third trip back VJ and Billie both plea for Luc’s safe return from Irene’s evil clutches. This causes Irene to maybe ponder on their agony for so long. So when Matt opens the front door thinking that Irene has flown away Irene blasts him in the face. But before Matt can drop stony eyed to the floor dead. Chris and Oliva are back and Chris has been quick enough to swoop in low and take up Luc in his arms and has flown far away. Irene takes chase after him but even for her witchy skills aren’t the best when it comes to weaving in and out of the night’s glittering stars.this way and that as Chris and Oliva throw Luc amongst themselves. In fact Chris and Oliva have both worked out a pretty nifty motion of throwing Luc at the right times of dodging Irene’s frantic shooting blasts of death magic. VJ and Billie cheer from behind following but not following all that closely being very aware that Irene may just turn around at any given moment and scare them both beyond their wits.

 

Chris and Oliva haven’t got a clue where they plan on taking Luc and are both about to request a conclusion to this spontaneous plan of theirs when suddenly from out of the folds of darkness comes a thunderous roar. Mick the dragon with a rather shell shocked looking Alf sat on his back suddenly appears. With the monstrous size at seeing Chris’s  Pterodactyl Mick even though his a mystic creature of legend feels very jealous and instantly his roars grow with menace, alerting Brenda and Maud’s dragons to ready themselves into the art of a incoming battle with a beast that clearly thinks itself as the commander of the skies.

 

Chris nervously waves across at Alf, who looks to be doing his best to distract himself from the worry with shovelling as many char grilled dragon smoked fish into his quivering mouth as he can manage.

Mick and the other two fearsome creatures try their best to look threatening, but with the Pterodactyl’s sheer confidence of being cocky it only looks to the dragons as a bully in a school playground would at another wedgie pulling bully as he approaches.

The three dragons let out outbursts of quick bursts of fire, as a way of warning the Pterodactyl to not go trying anything clever. The Pterodactyl is very touched by their little squirts of heat it brings the dinosaur great joy as the heat seems to tickle his wings. This angers Mick, dragon are creatures to be feared and looked upon with un denying terror, but instead all they were achieving at this moment in time was being heat lamps for the gigantic Pterodactyl. Chris sits watching wishing and hoping that maybe just maybe Alf would have had something sweet like marshmallows to eat hidden beneath his fisherman hat, they could roast the marshmallows on the three dragons pathetic attempts of murdering them with their fire. The Pterodactyl seeming to grow bored of the glorious glow of heat that was being provided for him So instead the Pterodactyl decides to grow to its full potential in size, spreading its wing span out to their full extent and impressive width. The true master of the skies then roars or cries out a squawk. I don’t know which but I hear you say, well who would know such a thing? Someone who researched their stories I expect but hey what can you do? Anywho where were we oh yes the  Pterodactyl turns making a very scary sound and grips one of the dragons around its scaly neck and simply tosses it away like a unwanted chicken bone. Then it does the same to the second one this dragon screams out and as it travels further away through the air its screams grow distant. Chris having sensed that Mick was about to meet the same fate yells for Alf to hop leap and frog jump it across onto the back of the Pterodactyl, and the old man doesn’t waste anytime in doing so. Well in truth he does stop to stuff his pockets fill of juicy fish he hadn’t finished stuffing his face with yet

 

“MY FLAMING GALAH NUTS I BE A MONKEY’S UNCLE STONE THE CROWS UPON HIGH” Alf yells as he jumps across having to make use of Olivia’s hovering broomstick as a stepping stone onto the monstrous sized power gliding dinosaur. When Alf is safely abroad his flying mode of transport, Mick too is tossed away like a piece of garbage.

Now may we all take a quick moment here, it has to be quick mind you because Irene’s just arrived looking dangerously angry, and who can blame the woman really her son Mick has just been tossed about like one might toss choose to toss a fancy salad. But for the ones amongst you who maybe wondering where on earth those three dragons ended up, well I have it on good hearsay that they are happy in a place called Mordor it’s a nice place very rocky with its very own numerous supply of open fire and lava pits. The prefect place to settle down if your dragon I can ensure you..

 

Irene fires a firecracker of magical fairly dust towards Chris, who cleverly ducks and weaves out of the way of his once formally friendly lodger. And to replace the space upon Chris had been floating moments before Hunter is there firing his arrows. he fist pumps the air when he sees a tip of a arrow flick Irene’s magic wand up into the air with a quick twirl and then the old hag screams with fury.

 

Chris and Olivia Luc and Alf have made it to the ground and Matt has run into Chris’s arms, so the pair of them are now cuddling up close to one another.

 

Billie, VJ and Hunter start to circle around Irene who is now wand less but not powerless, as they all soon find out. The night’s sky becomes eloped with a redness like a deep crimson pool of blood. Irene smiles lowering her long pointy hat as she does so she pulls Leah’s cat claws out of the tangles of her wirily head of hair. Irene whispers a chilling message into Leah’s perked up cat’s ears, and then laughs loudly, as the cat’s eyes start to glow. The glow’s shine turns into a blinding sort of beam and it burns a rip between this reality and that reality of the unknown, The hidden world that exists beyond the veil of our world. Hunter, VJ and Billie all back off as huge monsters pull themselves through the gaping portal.

 

Having meet his panda Chris is about to give Matt the longing kiss he has wanted to give for about a billon of years now given his time travelling experience. But their tender shared hug of affection is disturbed by VJ’s and Billie’s and Hunter’s shared deaths as their broomsticks are knocked and they are sent plunging down to the earth. Chris and Matt and Olivia and Alf and baby Luc scream and their screams fill the atmosphere as monsters from their very nightmares start to crash land down to the earth.

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Chapter 16

Chris gulps there’s only one thing he and Oliva can do now and yes you guessed it give their timey whiney watches dials an almighty spin a roo. There’s a white flash which fades almost instantly and.. everyone who had moments ago been melted fried and drown within the waves of crimson rivers of orangey lava now stands before Wally. The old white haired wizard is tapping his foot and pulling at his long white beard with concerned tension while rings of puffed out smoke shaped like cruise ships from his golden pipe float through the air. The fluffy faced old man jumps slightly at the sudden appearance of his witchy apprentices.

 

“MY GOLLY GOSH WHERE ON MERLIN’S BEARD HAVE YOU ALL BEEN?” Wally asks.

“Where have we been? Where have you been more to the point?” Hunter asks his wally of a father.

“OH YES THE BATTLE WELL I DIED WELL FOUR TIMES AND I GREW TO BE QUITE THE WIMP SO I CHOOSE TO WAIT HERE FOR YOU ALL” Wally says gesturing out to very noisy crowded riot cheering surrounding swarm of people who were holding long sharpened and extra nasty looking spiked pitchforks and fierce looking fire licking torches of flame.

 

“WELCOME ALONG TO WITCH TRIALS. OH LOOK HUNTER MY SON IT’S YOUR MOTHER CHARLOTTE THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST.” Wally instanty starts boooing really loudly.

 

“Oh I’m so sorry we seemed to have travelled way, way back in time, 1692 the year of the Salem Witch Trails how cool is that guys? We are lucky enough to see a real life witch’s trial” Chris says beaming VJ, Billie and Hunter, Matt and Alf all gather around. Luc waddles at the back of the group of time travellers caught up within the awe of this very strange world. 

 

“Mum what’s going to happen to her?” Hunter asks looking very concerned.

“WELL YOU SEE THOSE NICE FELLAS OVER THERE? WELL THEY ARE GOING TO TEST IF YOUR MOTHER IS INDEED A WITCH. BY DUNKING HER INTO THAT CHILLY LOOKING RIVER, TO SEE IF SHE FLOATS OR SINKS IF SHE SINKS SHE’S A WITCH.” Wally explains it as one might explain the idea behind a very popular children’s picture puzzle book called Where’s Wally? 

“You mum, she’s either a witch or maybe just a really bad swimmer” Matt adds laughing.

The blood curling whimpers of Charlotte’s startled attempts at swimming seem to cause the lynch mob of pitch forked crazies to holler with delight. Charlotte then sinks like a lead balloon. Soon after there’s a collection of small popping bubbles arising from the murky river along with a foamy white frosting of steamy mist and then there’s nothing more but calmness within the ripples of the water.

Josh Barrett and his brother Andy walk forwards. The hum of excitement is building there’s another witch stood in the middle of their pitch forked gathered committee of witch hunters everyone can sense her evil presence.

 

“REINNE NO” Olivia shouts out.

 

Irene gazes at each and every member of that committee of gathered people as the thunder of the clapping of their pitchforks smack the ground in unison.

 

Josh silences the crowd.

“We the members of the Burn The Troublesome Bitches or to put it in simpler terms BTTB  committee do declare you madam. Yes you in that pointy witches hat yes you with the black cat you who thought it wise to wander your way through our gathered hate for your kind. You who thought you would go undetected for some unknown reason while dressed in your witches get up we declare you a witch” Josh Barrett finishes..

 

What darl is this fancy dress Irene tries to crackle most unconvincingly.

 

In her confusion of being whisked away by time travel Irene hadn’t noticed the gathering of the sea of BTTB members worm their way around her. Irene is picked up and kind of tossed forwards in a crowd surfing kind of way until she reaches the river bank. Andy Barrett quickly attaches the heavy rocks to Irene and then the full force of The BTTB members heave on forwards. Irene turns back to hiss at them before she loses her footing and splashes into the river spluttering and coughing. The old hag mutters her curse that one day she will return, but until that time another evil. A evil who comes across as shy and awkward, clumsy, for this evil lurks waiting for when you are at death’s door. This evil has your most trust at that time, and this evil is about to enter the world fully trained in the arts of being wicked, and it is this evil that will hold the fort for Irene until her return. Irene then sinks down into the depths of the water with a hollering spooky of a loud crackle that sends shivering bone chattering chills down the backs of everybody watching. 

 

VJ runs forwards as Irene’s spell seems to have lost its effect on Leah. The woman is lets just say totally baffled and feels like she’s been on a right drink fuelled bender for a countless numbers of days.

“Mum there you I have missed you” VJ says 

Leah instantly frowns and rolls her eyes looking very annoyed with the world once more and slightly hungover who knew that sipping at bowls of milk could do that to a cat?

 

“VJ, Billie why didn’t you come search for me its very to always have whiskers and having to go to the toilet in a kitty litter you know?” Leah moans.

Billie shudders thinking back to the days of when she had her rather wild bush of facial hair thanks to her warlock boyfriend Luke’s magical kiss.

VJ laughs at Leah as he helps her to her feet. Leah wobbles, very odd to only have to legs given she had been wandering around on four not that long ago.

 

There’s a quick flash of light as the hands on the time dialling watches all wind down.

Olivia blinks looking around they have returned back home to their own time. Irene’s war of fire and grim stoned end of world hellish end of days magic has worn off.

“Did we all make back ok?” Billie asks. VJ gazes around and spots Luc who he picks up quickly. Olivia cries out and Hunter is alarmed to have lost his hobbit feet and elf like size

Wally steps forwards.

 “HMMMMM IT WOULD SEEM THAT WE HAVE LOST THE ONES THAT YOU CALL MATT AND CHRIS.” Wally says stepping forwards with a dramatic stride of his starry cloak 

“Where are they?” Olivia asks wildly.

“WHY LOST IN TIME MY DEAR AH WEL NOW ITS BEEN A LONG NIGHT”

“Yes it flaming has I have come to realise that this dating game its one big fat galah of disappointment” Alf says looking very grumpy faced.

“IT IS THAT ALF MY FRIEND NOW LETS GO HAVE OURSELEVES A PIECE OF SOME YUMMY MUDCAKE”

Everybody watches the two old men walk away into he distance.

“Hunter your dads strange”

“Thanks VJ but really your only working this out now?” 

 

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A really short but hopefully funny chapter for you all hope you enjoy it. Thank you for the comments on the last chapter..

Chapter 17

 

The brisk gust of a high stormy gale whistles and moans itself around the small bedroom of Brody Morgan. The well earned fame deserving chef doesn’t seem to mind the coldness of the night. For he has a warm like glowing feeling of contented excitement bubbling away inside his stomach. Brody chuckles and slightly pulls his golden bed sheets up to his chin. The warm and fuzzy feeling of finally having made what he himself had always believed was possible had reached its heart wrenching climax of victorious brilliance. Even if his fame had come as a bizarre accident and a strange turn of events, Brody couldn’t help but smile. He chuckles again as the breeze from his open window send ruffles throughout his furry beard,

 

Brody reaches down as he tries to seek out his salt and peppered themed kitchen chef shaker hot water bottle with his prudery big toe. Ooooh yeah there it was all nice and snugly he grabs the hot water bottle up and drags and holds it close too his chest, and within moments Brody is snoring lightly and dreaming of what his new found fame might bring him in his bright future.

 

Brody had always thought that his dream of becoming a household chef was just a pipe dream but that night when he had burned nearly that entire coven of witches things had started to happen that was just out of his control. Funnily enough Brody knew that because of his family’s eventful past of having to hide away from the world and all its scary dangers that came, with falling through a crumbling old mineshaft and finding a drugs den headed up by the mafia of the worlds most high end criminals that yes maybe having cookbooks with your big brushy smiling face on them selling at a rate of Justin Bieber’s best smelling detergent isn’t the greatest way to stay hidden. For the record Brody owns quite a few bottles of that detergent and hey why not? Brody’s not sorry his taken the slogan on the bottle to heart and that is to love yourself, and luckily for Brody Ash his blonde dream boat of a boyfriend his a fan too, and he very much so loves Brody. It is mostly down to Ash being as it turns out he is a very famous underwear model, and its because of Ash’s connections within the showbiz industry that Brody has made it so big. His nickname being that of the demon slaying chef of great cuisine that will just have you melting with burning passion to dine upon his witchtanstic tasting spellbinding food of wickness.

 

The house is silence as we pan ourselves around the open spaces of the Morgan’s home. Not a single sound stirs, well that’s a lie right there. There’s a very sharp and quick snap of a mouse trap that Brody has loaded with creamy cheese for Mr Mousey to come and eat. but other than that the sound of the house is silent. Well it would be was it not for the newly pulled up car in the driveway overpowering the house with its bright headlights. Silence is golden or it would be if not for the sudden crash of a dropped wheelchair hitting the gravel, shortly followed by breathy shouts of fumbled cursing. Brody awakes excitedly at this sound Mason was home and Brody has missed his brother. Mason’s been away with Justin to the city. Mason has had medical treatment and now is wheelchair bound, because of his startling discovery of finding and duelling  the Loch Ness Monster who had been hiding within the waves of the sea down at the beach while  Mason was busy upholding his duty of being a lifeguard. Brody bounces out of bed wearing a very flowery dressing grown and a floppy blue night cap upon his head. Brody rushes out of the door beaming with happiness that is instantly replaced by fear, as he catches sight of Mason and Justin’s expressions of frozen horror at the hovering shadowed figure of their sister floating above them Tori had been hiding inside the doors archway planning too surprise them both as they came inside.

 

Tori turns and her eyes glow green with the shine of wicked glee as she faces Brody.

“Brody there you are. Come out to play have we?” Tori crackles It seems that Morag had done a bang job of inviting the young doctor into the folds of being badass and delightfully evil with a hint of a new found sexiness. Watch out world Tori Morgan will treat you mean and keep you keen.

 

“Look Mason I can heal your disability. I can make it disappear.” Tori gives her wand a quick flick, and indeed Mason is now standing up straight, and his walking around with a big goofy smile on his face. Justin laughs with delight and claps his hands with joy at seeing his brother walking once more.

“Of course I can make your disability reappear again Mason” Tori crackles and flicks her wand once more.

 

“OOOOOOOH NO I’M A CRIPPLE Mason moans starting to cry.

Flick of the wand.

“Oh no I’m not this is cool Tori thanks sis” Mason says happily skipping around.

Flick of the wand.

“NOOOOOO I’M CRIPPLED I CAN’T LIVE MY LIFE AS A CRIPPLE.” Mason cries again.

Flick of the wand.

“Oh cool I’m fixed I’m walking I’m turning my head like I don’t need that stupid neck brace as well can you believe this Justin I’m a….”

Flick of the wand.

“CRIPPLE I’M USELESS I’M….. FIXED WOOOOO HOOOO…… I’M CRIPPLED AGAIN TORI STOP THIS.  Mason moans starting to cry again.

Tori crackles and Justin laughs he doesn’t mean too but he won’t deny that Mason’s constant whinging is very amusing.

 

Brody slowly shuts his bedroom door. Maybe just maybe he will go back to sleep and when he awakes maybe his sister will no longer be a witch even though it seems to have given her a new found sense of self confidence. Brody was finding that he didn’t really fancy burning this one even if the good will in him was compelling him to go running to his kitchen to cook up a new batch of gingerbread men biscuits to lure Tori to her doom.

So much for the Morgan family to go floating under the radar and not to draw attention to themselves. Brody famous for being a Van Helsing and witch warrior Mason having been attacked by the Loch Ness Monster and now Tori had become a witch Not the best way to lead a quiet life at all. Brody closes his eyes and falls asleep.

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Chapter 18

Matt stares googly eyed up at the sliver mechanical giant looking hovering trash can above his head, and watches as the black bags of trash he had placed on the pavement moments before are quickly gobbled up by a noisy zapping tracker beam. Matt had said that something didn’t feel quite normal here. Chris it seemed choose to ignore Matt’s concerns, but how Chris could even consider turning a blind eye to the strange randomness, when faced with a huge blue telephone box shoved up the corner blocking off the downstairs toilet, Mat had no idea. Where was Olivia where had she been sleeping the last few nights? Olivia was either trapped and cut off from the rest of the house or she had moved in with Hunter.

To add to the strangest the telephone box seemed to be the home to the hard nut legend that was Daryl Braxton or commonly known as Brax. Chris just went about the place merrily offering Brax cups of tea, which Brax grittily declined with a grunt and a shake of the six pack of beers that he happily sipped at very nosily.

 

Matt walks back inside the house where he finds Chris and Evie watching a game show called Baby Birds. Mr Boijanges now a nearly fully sized teenaged grumpy panda bear sits in his high chair licking the honey from his paws as they clawed at a large honey jar. That was another thing Matt didn’t understand how that panda had shot up into the years of bad acne. 

 

“Oh cool it’s the return of my taffy raffy daffy paffy Matty. Hey look at that handsome devil on the screen, how about him his quite sexy quite the eye candy isn’t he? He blows your socks right off doesn’t he Matt?” Chris asks excitedly.

“It’s you Chris” Matt answers tiredly.

“Precisely it’s your very own gorgeous devil of a boyfriend, come on Matt please show some love” Chris says very dramatically.

Sighing Matt falls into the armchair.

“I’m tired Chris and plus you know I get shy in unexpected company” Matt says signalling Chris with a wink.

“Who Evie oh please”

Evie giggles at Chris’s attempt at a very over the top eye rolling motion. Over time and lets face it its been awhile if the date on the newspaper can be believed. The year is 2033 Evie has grown to totally adore Chris and Matt as a couple. Together they are like a pair of bouncing Tiggers. Its just a shame for Matt he seems to have hit the fast forward button on the remote and skipped over some very key moments of their lives.

 

“Not Evie I’m shy in front of Brax over there. What’s he doing here?” Matt whispers

“Oh Brax his alright he keeps to himself.”

Matt glances backwards towards Brax’s icy hawk like glare.

“Yep makes himself clay models of his ex girlfriend Ricky its quite weird I grant you but quite sweet at the same time. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that Oh and he says his here on a rescue mission.”

“A rescue mission inside our house what are you talking about man?” Matt asks.

Evie turns and smirks towards Chris.

 

“Yes rescue mission and I believe him if the smell which comes from the bathroom after you have used it is anything to go by.” Ewww pongy you need a peg on your nose” Chris then shushes Matt before he can utter a single word.

“Oh yes that stork Hannah she was a nice bird” Chris says nodding towards the TV.

 

“Errrr what’s that sound?” Matt asks gazing up at the ceiling as it seems to shudder and shake from what sounded like a bird crashing landing onto their roof.

 

“Ooooh no Evie I thought you said you tied Matty The Tremendous Thunderbird up to the gate post?”

“I did Chris but you know…”

“Woah woah hang on a minute who’s Matty The Tremendous Thunderbird? Chris you know that’s to be my stage name when I become a famous skateboard trickster slash stuntman” Matt says looking very put out.

“Oh yeah sorry it also seemed a very fitting name for my Pterodactyl. So just think babes you really will be legendry when you become famous named after a dinosaur.”  “Come on now Chris I had the idea for that badass name first” Matt moans.

“Not according to history you didn’t sexy chops” Chris answers. Everybody halts as they hear Whatever had fallen onto the roof fall to the ground with a loud plopping sound as itt hits the wet grass just outside the front door.

“Shall I get that while you two argue like a old married couple?” Evie asks having made her way near enough to the doorknob already. Evie clearly hears light grumbling from both Matt and Chris as she throws the door open.

“Oh ewwwww gross it looks like a dead bird Matt quick ewwww” Evie squeals hopping from foot to foot.

“Gosh Evie stop being such a wuss an boots will you?” Matt says stepping outside to take a look.

 

“Times almost upon us eh?” Brax says showing Chris one of his long patterned black inked tattoos.

“Nice tat my man” Chris says turning, even for a man who had been living inside the shelter of his telephone box while making clay moulds of his girlfriend Ricky for the last month or so, even this was a random thing for Brax to do show and talk so mysteriously about one of his tattoos.

“Eh it is nice yeah timeline of when it’s just about the right time to go back drive Ricky abit bonkers and then disappear again” Brax says chuckling.

“You can come along for the surf through time seeing as I’m a time travelling River boy, when you think you are finally rid of us we just keep popping up” Brax says smiling.

“But get to know your kids first eh” Brax says opening up a can from his six pack of beers.

 

“WAIT WHAT?” Chris shouts he quickly barges on past Matt and Evie.

“Wow this is no bird guys this is Hannah the stork. She’s our baby delivery post woman I guess you could call her”

 

Matt and Evie just gape wide mouthed at the stork as she gets to her orange wrinkly duck paddy feet. Hannah gives a sputtering cough of some fluttery white feathers, which come to a rest on the grass. She then bends over wiggles her birdie behind for quite sometime So long in fact that Chris and Matt look at each other in silence this is getting somewhat awkward.. Hannah then turns with a white pillow cased shaped quilted bag. Hannah then waggles her way over to Chris, places the pillow cased bag into his hands then squawks and takes flight. Chris then dashes back inside, Matt and Evie follow suit

 

“Chris why did that bird just hand you some bed linen?” Matt asks gazing as Chris unwraps the whiteness of their parcel he then looks up beaming.

“Babies Matt we have babies.”

“Call someone they aren’t ours I mean….”

“Yes they are they have little stamps of ownership on their little tiny feet.” Chris and Matt’s stork bred babies.. Oh dear their starting to cry” Chris says standing up and cradling them in his arms.

“Of course their crying they need names” Evie says smiling.

“Oooooh I know what about Johnny? Yes I feel a close bond to that name for some reason”

Chris hands the baby who is still nameless over to Matt.

“Ok I don’t fully understand what’s going on, but ok I will go with it I mean we do have a panda and a Pterodactyl tied up in the back garden so……”

 

“Soo…… what are you going to call your baby Matt?” Evie questions him smiling.

Matty The Tremendous Thunderbird Chris asks tensely.  

“Oh haha haha and haha Chris don’t be such a smart Alec. Alec yeah that’s cool Matt says gazing down to the baby in his arms.

 

Evie then wanders away to help Brax stand up his abit drunk from finishing his six pack of beers off and he was mumbling something about them all going back home back to 2017.

 

Chris and Matt have wandered over to the window.

“See I told you we would get to have kids.” Matt says. Chris smiles and rests his head on Matt’s shoulder.

“I love you, us and but most of all I love our little…”Chris is abruptly cut off by a very excited sounding Matt. The tinniest of snowflakes have started to fall outside the window.

“Wow would you look at that Alec, Snow..”

 

The End   

 

So now has come the time to hand over your broomsticks chuck them into the wood chippers. So thank you Red Ludub Kellicoipter JT Jarlie and Kristen I hope you all have had a magical time and enjoyed this witchy tale Cue end credits fade to black and evil witches laughter

Thanks for all your comments

 

 

 

 

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Edited by QUIET ACHIEVER
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