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Caged


Ludub

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Okay so here it is... dun dun dun... the epilogue. This story has been a labour of love. It really has. From what was supposed to be a very short 4 - 5 parter, to the longest fanfic I have ever written (or probably ever will again), I have really enjoyed writing this, so I'm really glad if you've enjoyed reading it. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment over the many many months that I've been writing this. Your feedback has always been much appreciated!  I hope you like the ending to this story :P

 

EPILOGUE

 

The prison gate clanged shut behind him, and he turned, a little startled, to look at it. He couldn’t help remembering all those years ago, when a door had swung shut like that, locking him in for the first time. It had set in motion a chain of events so terrible that it was hard to fathom now. It felt like someone else’s life. In some ways that was true. He wasn’t the same person that they’d thrown in that cell that night. That boy was long gone, never to return. He was lost somewhere deep within his soul; broken, and bloodied, and buried six feet under. He wasn’t coming back. This Josh-shaped shell was all that was left behind. This clumsy copy of the person he’d once been. Short-haired, and skinny, and weather worn from work details in the open air. An eye that didn’t work anymore, and numerous other scars that gave him a much rougher sort of look, like a boxer who wasn’t particularly good at his sport. He was no longer that ‘pretty’ young boy that had drawn so much attention from all the wrong people. Someone like Cuddles would never pay for him now! Sometimes, he wondered if the people that he’d known before would even recognise him. People like Evie, and Matt, and Maddy… Those people that had lived such soft and comfortable lives involving university, and travel, and adventure… and normality. What would they see when they looked at him now? Who was ‘Josh Barrett’ to them? Would they look at his scarred features and see nothing but a worthless criminal? A murderer who had simply got what he deserved?! A mess of a man, who cried and laughed for no reason, but who found it hard to smile when he wanted to? Someone who struggled on a daily basis with PTSD? Would they think that he was pathetic? Would they even bother to say hello?

He shook his head and turned back to face the roadside. He’d been told to wait outside the gate and to look out for a white Ute. There was no sign of anyone yet though. He set the paper bag that he was carrying down on the ground and then shifted from foot to foot in an anxious sort of way. His stomach was tied in knots and his hands were shaking. He’d had diarrhoea all morning from sheer nervousness, and he felt like he could easily throw up. It was really strange being out here without the transport shackles on, and without a guard attached to his wrist. It felt like he was doing something wrong! Like he was on the run again. He half expected the alarms to go off, and for the guards to suddenly appear with guns and dogs, and make him lie down on the ground. Surely, they weren’t really going to let him just walk away?! Not after all these years… It didn’t feel real.

He stood for a moment with his eyes closed, and did his best to focus on his breathing. Just like his counsellor had taught him. In… Out… In… Out… In… Out...  His first real breaths of freedom in more than 7 years! He'd dreamt of this moment, for such a long time, fantasising about it, and planning what he’d do when it finally happened. He'd had so many plans! There were so many places that he wanted to go, and people that he wanted to see... He’d spent hours daydreaming about the perfect burger, eaten outside in the open air, with a refreshing chilled beer in his hand. He’d imagined sitting with friends and family, and laughing about old times… although who those friends and family were, he didn’t quite know! He’d dreamt of walking, and walking, and walking, for hours on end, just because he could… Even just lying on a couch to watch TV, or being able to go to a movie, or just go to the beach for a swim… all those little pleasures that he’d been denied for so long… But he suddenly felt a wave of nausea. Up until now, it had all been harmless fantasy. He hadn’t really thought that it was going to happen! Now that he was standing here, on the outside, all he felt was a rising sense of panic. He felt like he'd suddenly been abandoned, like a small child losing hold of his parent's hand in the middle of a large crowd. The thought of having to look after himself was terrifying! Everything that he’d known for the last seven years was being ripped away. All routine! All structure! All sense of belonging! He had nothing now! Part of him wanted to knock on the gate and beg to be let back in. Back to the safety of his little cell where they locked him up at night and let him out in the morning. Where he didn't have to make any decisions, big or small. Where they told him what to wear, what to eat, when to shower… when and how to do everything. He’d been a child when they’d sent him to prison! He’d never had to rent a house, or pay bills, or even had a grown-up job. He’d never had any real responsibilities! In some ways, he’d never developed into a fully functioning adult. Prison simply hadn’t allowed for it. He hadn’t had to make a decision of his own for the best part of a decade. How was he meant to start now?! He didn't know how to live out here, with no-one to decide things for him... no-one to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. His heart was racing now, and as much as he was trying to calm himself, he felt like he couldn't catch his breath. He was very close to throwing up! ‘Oh God!’ he said to himself, as he glanced back at the rather ominous looking iron gates. ‘I can’t do this!’ he said, sinking down to sit on the side of the kerb and putting his head in his hands. “I can’t do this!” he said under his breath. He was on the verge of a panic attack…

“Josh?” said a very familiar voice. He was standing right beside him and he felt him put his hand on his shoulder in a gentle sort of way. “Josh, are you okay?”

He looked up, and met the soft brown eyes of the one person that really understood what he was going through. It was like they were both war veterans. Like soldiers that had made it back from Vietnam. No-one else would ever really understand what had happened to them all those years ago! No-one else would ever know what Highfields had been like for them. The relief that he felt was overwhelming! He was here! He’d come for him! “Kyle?!” he said, squinting up at him and trying his best to smile.

Kyle quietly took a seat beside him on the kerb, bumping shoulders with him in a playful sort of way. He could see how shaken he was and that he needed a minute or two to pull himself together. He knew how scary this could be. Getting out of prison hadn’t been easy for him either. “We’ll go when you’re ready” he said, before leaning back with his hands on the ground behind him. He turned his face up to the sun and closed his eyes.

Josh glanced sideways at him, and then put his head in his hands again. He really felt like he couldn’t breathe. This was nothing new, though. He’d been having panic attacks like this for years now. They’d become a normal part of life. He’d get it together in a minute or two…

“Is it a bad one?” asked Kyle, throwing him a look of concern. He’d sat with him through many a panic attack and he knew that they mostly just passed on their own. The last thing that he needed was someone flapping around him and making a big deal of it. The calmer he stayed, the more likely it was for it to pass.

“I’ll… be… okay” panted Josh, “Thanks…” He hated this tight feeling in his chest, this burst of adrenalin that made his whole body shake. It was a horrible sensation!

Kyle nodded a little and then glanced back at the gates of the prison with a little sigh. He’d spent three years here after they’d been transferred from Highfields. It really wasn’t that bad a place, as far as prisons go. They had individual cells with civilian style bedding that made it feel a little more like your own bedroom. You could put up pictures and posters if you had any, and all the cells had a window to allow in natural light. Everyone even had their own little bathroom too, complete with a private shower! Each corridor had eight cells that shared a communal kitchen, with a TV area so they could watch approved DVDs. The men had to take it in turns to cook, and they ate together ‘family-style’.  There was a big emphasis on self-improvement and on rehabilitation, so they were encouraged to do courses and to try to get some qualifications if they were able. There were counsellors willing to work with you if they thought you needed it…which of course they both had.  The Creighton Correctional Facility couldn’t have been further removed from the place that they’d just come from, but at the end of the day, it was still a prison. They were still locked in their cells at night, and no-one got to go outside the walls without heavy guard. Every part of your day was carefully managed and structured and dictated to you by someone else. It felt less restricted than Highfields had, and a lot more safe, but there was certainly no sense of autonomy or free choice. It was one of the things that he’d found hardest to adjust to when he’d got out. Not having a routine anymore…

“I’m just…” panted Josh, as he desperately tried to slow his breathing down, “I’ll be okay to go in a minute…”

“It’s okay” said Kyle, “Take your time… We’re in no rush…” That wasn’t entirely true. He knew that Ricky was waiting for them at home and that Casey was excited about meeting him. There was also the little barbecue that Ben was in the process of organising. They’d thought it would be nice to do as a sort of ‘welcome home’. He remembered how nice it had been to eat outside in the sunshine when he’d first got out. That smell of barbecue, the fresh air… He’d wanted that for Josh. It was only going to be the five of them, but seeing how he was now, he was beginning to think that it wasn’t such a good idea. It might prove a little overwhelming.

“I just needaminute” said Josh, running the words into each other as he gasped for air. “Sorry” he added, with an embarrassed little grimace.

“It’s okay” repeated Kyle, “Just breathe… Remember what Dr Phillips says…” He’d had anxiety issues himself after everything that had happened, and the coping techniques that she’d taught him had really helped him out. That, and the medication which he still took now. He didn’t see Aaron very often anymore. Only in times of high stress.

Josh gave a weak little smile and nodded. He began to use some of the techniques that they’d worked on. He closed his eyes, and counted from 1 to 5 in his head as he tried to hold a breath in. Then he did the same on the out breath… after a while it started to get better. “Sorry” he said, when he finally opened his eyes again, “It’s just… it’s…”

“It’s a lot” said Kyle, nodding his head and staring at the ground, “It’s a lot to deal with” He remembered the fear only too well. That knot in his stomach! That rush of adrenalin! The shock of suddenly being outside those walls! He’d come bouncing out to meet Heath like an overexcited puppy, but then he’d thrown up in the car on the way home! He’d felt like his whole world was collapsing! That was four years ago, but it felt like yesterday.

“Yeah” said Josh, glancing around and looking for the white Ute that he’d been told to look out for. “Where’s the car?” he asked.

“C’mon?” smiled Kyle, getting up and holding out his hand to pull him to his feet.

Josh looked a little embarrassed, but he gave him his hand. Suddenly he was on his feet, with Kyle’s arms around him, and couldn’t help giving a surprised little yelp when he found himself in a tight bearhug. Kyle was holding him close and had his face buried in his shoulder. His immediate instinct was to pull away. Physical contact with anyone still made him uncomfortable, and he was already panicky enough, but in many ways, he needed this. He needed someone to hold him and tell him that things were going to be okay. He allowed himself to be held, and for Kyle to rock him back and forth. He got the feeling that Kyle needed this, almost as much as he did.

“It’s over!” said Kyle, almost whispering it in his ear, “It’s over Josh… You made it” He pulled back a little bit and shook his head in wonder. His eyes looked a little teary. “You’re out!” he said, motioning with his head to the prison and giving a big wide grin. “So, we’re gonna turn around now…” he said, putting his arm over Josh’s shoulder and walking him away towards the car, “… and neither of us are ever going to look back!”

 

*****

 

The car ride home was quiet. He just kept staring out the window and fidgeting a little in the passenger seat. He hadn’t been in a moving vehicle that he could actually see out of for more than seven years. Everything was moving so fast outside; it was a little unsettling. He glanced every now and then at Kyle’s hand when he changed gear and wondered if he even remembered how to drive.

 “We’ll be home soon, mate” said Kyle, glancing across at him. They were driving through a nice area of the city with tidy looking red brick houses and lawns at the front. It was very suburban and middle class. He knew that Josh didn’t have the faintest clue where they were and it was clearly making him anxious. Sydney was a big city and he’d obviously only ever seen the city centre… and the prisons. “We live in Lane Cove” he said, “It’s nice… You’ll like it.”

Josh gave a little nod. He might as well have been taking him to live on the moon. He had no idea where he was, but it wasn’t like he had a home to go to anymore. He was all alone in the world except for Kyle and his family, and if they were to cast him out, he’d have nothing. He was literally homeless. “I’m sure I will” he said, doing his best to give him a smile. He didn’t want him to think that he was ungrateful.

Another twenty minutes passed before they pulled into the driveway. “Okay” said Kyle, taking his seatbelt off, “Here we are… Home, sweet home!”

Josh took his seatbelt off too and then just sat there staring out the window at his new home. It looked like a nice house, and he was a little surprised that Kyle had done so well for himself since he’d been out, but then the inheritance would certainly have helped.

“Hey?” said Kyle, opening the door on Josh’s side, “You coming in or what?”

“Oh… yeah” he said, looking a little embarrassed. He’d been waiting for someone to open the door so he could get out. He wasn’t used to being able to open doors himself, or to get out of a vehicle on his own. He’d half expected Kyle to produce a pair of handcuffs and attach them to both of their wrists. In a way, it might have made him feel a little more secure. “Coming” he said, as he hopped down out of the car with the brown paper bag stuck under his arm. There wasn’t much in there, but the few meagre possessions that he did have were all that he had in the world. He was scared to lose them.

“Okay, come on!” said Kyle as he led him to the front door, “Welcome to your new home.” He opened the door and stepped inside, motioning with his head for him to follow.

Josh dithered on the doorstep. He knew that Ricky and Casey lived here, sharing the house with Kyle and his boyfriend Ben, and that they were all waiting for him. He was scared silly! Talking to new people was always hard for him, so he was very nervous to meet Ben for the first time. Of course, Kyle had talked about him a lot, but he’d never brought him in to visit. He was worried that they wouldn’t get on. That he’d rub him up the wrong way or something, or that Ben would see him as an interloper who was getting in the way of their relationship. He was also worried about the impression that he’d make on Casey. He had no experience of dealing with kids and he wasn’t sure what they’d told him about where he’d been all these years. Would he know that they were living with a jailbird now? Would he know what he’d done to be thrown in there?! He tried to figure out what age Casey might be now, and settled on age nine. What did people talk about with nine-year-old boys?! And then there was Ricky, who had graciously agreed to him moving in until he could get back on his feet. An ex-con living in her spare room, within spitting distance of her impressionable young son? One that had actually committed the crime that he was convicted for! He was amazed that she’d agreed to it! Then there was the fact that he was basically a freeloader. He couldn’t contribute financially to the household for the time being, at least not until he got his social welfare payments sorted out, or found a job. He didn’t have any money! Not a pot to **** in! How pathetic was that?! Part of him couldn’t understand why they were all being so kind to him. Taking him in under these circumstances was a lot to ask of anyone, and he wasn’t even family. At the end of the day, who was he to any of them?!

“C’mon, mate?” said Kyle, “They’re out in the garden… We’ll get you settled in… show you your room and where everything is… before…

“Thanks” said Josh, flushing a little red. He hadn’t realised that his state of fear and trepidation was quite so obvious. He gave a little nod and stepped in through the doorway. It was a very roomy living-room, with a large L-shaped sofa and a big cuddler style armchair with lots of cushions. All teals, and greys, and yellows. There was an area over in the corner with a selection of kid’s toys and colouring books, but they’d been tidily packed away. The big screen TV seemed to be just one big sheet of frameless glass; transparent right now because it was turned off. At least, that’s what he thought it was. There was also a massive dining table, with cardboard boxes stacked at one end, and numerous flyers and posters spread out on top. He squinted to see what they were and sighed a little when he realised that they were missing person flyers. ‘Darryl Braxton, Last seen 21st February 2017’. They still hadn’t given up hope.

He looked around and saw photos in frames covering most of one of the walls. All the Braxtons, and their new additions, smiling out at him. Heath and Bianca, and all their kids, Ash and Tori and their young brood, and old photos of Ricky and Brax together all those years ago when Casey was small. The more recent ones were all just mother and son. There were also numerous ‘loved-up’ photos of Kyle and Ben together; all smiles and hugs, and happiness. Ben in his hospital scrubs, and Kyle standing under the sign for his garden centre. He was pleased to see that Kyle was moving on and building such a good life for himself, all things considered. He was also a little startled to see that there was a group photo from way back in the day, and that it actually featured himself and Andy. It was just nestled there among the others, as though it was the most natural thing in the world! Him and his brother on their wall?! He wondered if they’d put it up just now, in an attempt to make him feel more welcome, especially considering Ricky’s feelings towards Andy. He thought it was very kind of them, and he appreciated the gesture. He looked at that photo, with the boyish grinning version of himself, and thought ‘You had no idea what was coming down the line! Look at you there! You thought you had such a shining future ahead of you! …How wrong you were!’

“Okay… so… this is the livingroom… obviously….” said Kyle, as he held his arms out in a ‘well, do you like it?’ kind of way, “And that through there is the kitchen…”

“It’s nice” said Josh, “…It’s big.” He wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Okay” said Kyle, nodding out towards the hallway, “Your room’s out here…” He led the way, glancing back every now and then to make sure that he was following. He could see him hugging that brown paper bag to his chest as though his life depended on it. He looked shell-shocked. “Just in there” he said, nodding at the third door along the hallway. He stepped out of the way so that Josh could go first. “This is yours” he said.

Josh nodded and just stood there in front of the door.

After a moment or two, when they were both still standing there, Kyle said “You can open it”. He couldn’t help giving a bemused little smile. He’d done the same thing when he’d got home. In prison, doors were always locked, so prisoners learnt to stand there, and wait for the guard to open them. He wondered how long it would take for him to kick that habit. He seemed to remember it had taken him a good couple of weeks.

“Oh… yeah...” said Josh, flushing a little red again, “Sorry.” He turned the handle and pushed the door open. It was a very nice room, and they’d obviously done their best to make it warm and welcoming for him. There were nice bright covers on the double bed, and there was a desk with art supplies, and even an old laptop sitting there with a post-it stuck to the lid that said ‘For Josh’. The room wasn’t much bigger than his cell had been, but for the first time in seven years he had a window that he could actually see out of, and that didn’t have bars. He walked over to it and stared outside. He could see the front lawn, and the street, and a nearly identical house on the other side.

“It’s not big…” said Kyle, following him in and sitting down at the swivel chair by the desk, “but… it’s…”

“It’s amazing!” said Josh, turning to look at him with slightly teary eyes, “It’s… I don’t even know what to say, Kyle… I… I… I don’t know how I’m ever going to thank you… any of you!”

“After what you did for me, Josh… I’m the one…”

“No really!” he said, gazing around the room, as though he’d never seen anything so beautiful. He shook his head. “I don’t know why…” he said, walking over and sitting down on the bed, “I really don’t get why you’re all being so nice to me… I mean… why you’re helping me like this… I didn’t expect you to… I didn’t expect… They were just gonna send me to the men’s shelter.”

“Like I was gonna let that happen!” snorted Kyle. Those shelters were for men who literally didn’t have a soul in the world! After everything that they’d been through together, and the huge sacrifice that Josh had made for him, there’d never been any question about whether they would take him in or not.

“Yeah… but… letting me into your house?” said Josh, “Letting me stay here for free… Like some kind of parasite… It’s too much!”

Kyle lifted his t-shirt to show the scar on his abdomen and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Anyone would have done that” said Josh.

“No” said Kyle, “They wouldn’t”

Josh just frowned and looked at the floor. He didn’t like the idea of Kyle being held to ransom like that. The kidney transplant had been a matter of life and death. He didn’t want him to feel beholden to him for it!

“Besides … don’t you think you deserve a fresh start?” asked Kyle, “I mean… I got one… Why shouldn’t you?”

“Yeah… but… you didn’t do what I…” His voice trailed off as he suddenly noticed the framed photo on the desk opposite him. It was a really cute photo of him and Andy when they were just kids. That hit him like a fist in the middle of the chest. Almost like he couldn’t breathe. “Why would you…?”, he stammered, “Why would Ricky…?!” He knew that she still blamed Andy for the explosion at the caravan park, even though those convictions had since been overturned. Even Roo Stewart being charged with criminal negligence hadn’t changed her mind. She still blamed him for her injuries, and the appeal had just opened old wounds. She’d even been a little hostile towards him the last time he’d seen her.

“Josh, c’mon?” said Kyle, “You know I care about you… I just think you could use a helping hand… And Ricky does too…”

“She does?” he asked, looking a little dubious.

“You wouldn’t be here if she didn’t.” he replied, “Andy’s his own man… and you are too… Ricky knows that… and we’re both so grateful for what you did for me.”

Josh nodded and glanced at the massive cardboard box that was sitting on the end of the bed beside him.

“That’s yours” said Kyle, with a gentle little smile, “Ash put it in storage for you when you… Well, y’know? …When you and Andy left.”

He frowned a little. How he wished that he could turn back time and tell himself not to listen! Tell himself to grow up and not to go on the run with his idiot of a brother! Maybe things might have played out differently… Maybe?

He picked the box up and set it at his feet. It was heavy! Slowly, he lifted the lid off the old dusty box, and gave a little gasp when he saw what was inside. There were photo albums, and stacks of CDs, and old notebooks with all his old drawings in them. Ash had obviously just gathered the things that he thought he might want to keep and anything else that he’d thought might have sentimental value. There was nothing worth anything from a monetary point of view, but these few old relics from the life that he’d left behind, meant more to him that all the money in the world! He could have kissed Ash right now!

“I think there’s a few t-shirts and jeans in the bottom there?” said Kyle, leaning forward to see inside the box, “You’re probably gonna want to wash them…”

“I can’t believe…” said Josh, pulling an old yellow t-shirt out of the box, “I can’t believe he saved this…” He placed it on his knee, holding it out to look at it, like it was the most precious thing in the world. It was the t-shirt that Evie had always used to sleep in when she was staying at his. An ugly yellow band t-shirt that had seen better days but he’d always thought that she looked adorable in it. He wondered if it still smelled of her.

“Mate, it’s okay” said Kyle, when he saw that he’d begun to cry, “It’s all pretty overwhelming… I know… I remember…”

“Thanks” said Josh, wiping at his eyes with the heels of his hands, “I’m just…”

“Do you want me to give you a few minutes?” asked Kyle, “Let you get settled in?”

Josh nodded and hugged his arms around his chest. “I’ll be out in a minute” he said apologetically, “Tell the others I’ll be out in a minute or two.”

“Take your time” said Kyle, getting up and moving towards the door, “It’s just burgers and beer… It’ll wait.”

“Thanks” said Josh, erupting into another fit of tears. Once Kyle closed the door, he rolled onto his side, and lay there hugging that old yellow t-shirt to his chest. It didn’t smell of Evie anymore. It smelt of damp and mildew and years of sitting in a garage, but he didn’t care. It was all that he had left of that part of his life. The only vaguely happy time that he’d ever known. He started to really cry. He cried for all the years that he’d lost and for the life that could have been… and he cried for the life that he’d ended up with. He sobbed and sobbed until he fell asleep.

 

*****

 

An hour later, Kyle knocked tentatively on the bedroom door. “Josh?” he called, as he opened the door a little, “Are you okay?”

“Oh!” he exclaimed, sitting up and looking startled, “****! …Sorry! …I fell asleep!”

“That’s okay!” chuckled Kyle, “You coming out?”

Josh looked down at the crumpled suit that he was wearing and gave a little laugh. “You don’t think I’m a bit overdressed?” he asked. It was the suit that he’d worn to court for sentencing. They were the only civilian clothes that he owned, so they’d sent him home in them.

“Yeah… I was gonna say” said Kyle, “There’s a few things in the wardrobe for you… We can go shopping tomorrow…”

“Thanks” said Josh, rubbing his face in his hands before standing up, “I’ll uhh… I’ll get changed then.”

Ten minutes later, he walked out into the garden in a very hesitant way. He was wearing one of Kyle’s t-shirts and a pair of shorts.  It felt very strange to be barefoot, but he was enjoying the sensation of grass beneath his feet. “Uhhh” he said, when everyone stopped talking and turned to look at him, “Hi?” Suddenly there were four sets of eyes all fixed on him!

“Josh! …Hi!” exclaimed Ricky, giving him a big smile from where she was sitting. It seemed genuine. “Grab a plate… there are burgers… and snags… and there are some beers over there…”

“Uhh… okay?” he said, with a nervous little smile, but he didn’t move.  It was like he was a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Kyle got up and went to the cooler to get him a beer. “Here” he said, handing it to him and then steering him towards the others, “Come and meet everybody…”

Ben was smiling as they approached the table and stood up to greet him with his hand held out. “Good to meet you” he said, “Kyle’s told me a lot about you.”

“Me too” mumbled Josh, fumbling for a moment to swap the beer bottle into his left hand, “I mean… he’s told me a lot about you too.”

Ben smiled and gestured for him to sit down in the deck chair next to him. He sat down and took a sip of his beer in an attempt to look a little more relaxed, but it wasn’t very convincing. He was obviously very nervous. They could see his hand shaking when he lifted his beer bottle.

“I’ll get you a plate” said Kyle, leaning across the table to get one and then setting it down in front of him. The remaining food was all piled up on a platter in the middle of the table, burgers and sausages, and condiments, and bread rolls… Everyone else seemed to have eaten because there were dirty plates piled up at the other end of the table. “Help yourself” said Kyle as he sat down again and reached for Ben’s hand. They sat there smiling at him.

“Uhhh… okay” said Josh, feeling under scrutiny. He could see Casey staring at him across the table in the way that only children do. Unabashedly and without interruption. As though he was an alien or someone with two heads! He gave him a little smile before picking up his fork and hesitantly spearing a burger off the plate in front of him. He wasn’t really hungry but he felt like they might be insulted if he didn’t eat anything. “Looks good” he said, glancing around at all the expectant faces and doing his best to look grateful, “Thanks for doing this…” He picked up a bread roll, placing the burger inside it, and then squirted some ketchup in there too. His stomach felt sick, but he was going to choke this thing down, even if it killed him! He needed to make a good first impression. He forced a smile as he took a bite, and looked around again. He wished that they’d all stop staring at him. Didn’t they understand how hard this was?! He began to chew and looked down at the table in the hope that they’d take the hint.

“How was the drive, Kyle?” asked Ben. He could sense Josh’s discomfort, so he threw Kyle a pointed sort of look that said ‘let’s talk about something else’.

“Yeah, it was fine” said Kyle, “…bit of traffic on the M2… but not too bad…”

“That’s good” said Ben, glancing again at Josh who was clearly trying to avoid eye contact, “I think they’re starting roadworks on Centennial Avenue…”

“Yeah, I heard that” said Kyle.

They sat in awkward silence for a little while as Josh ate his burger. You could have heard a pin drop.

“So, Josh?” asked Ben, as he lifted his own beer and took a swig, “What kind of work are you looking for?”

“Uh… I don’t really know” said Josh, his forced smile fading a little, “My case worker said she might be able to get me something at a factory downtown… Some meat place… I don’t know… packing boxes or something?”

“A meat factory?” repeated Kyle.

“Yeah… some meat processing place…” he said, staring at his burger and wondering how he was going to manage any more of it, “I think they make that pink sludge stuff that’s used to make frankfurters…”

“And is that something you’re interested in?” asked Ben, “Meat? And packing boxes?” From what Kyle had said, he’d thought that he was an artist or an architect, or something. Why was he not looking for something like that?

“Doesn’t really matter what I’m interested in” he said, with a shrug, “It’s probably all I’m good for…”

“Oh?” said Ben, “I thought Kyle said you had some qualifications? …Drawing or something?”

“Yeah” he replied, with a brief little nod, “I do… Couple of technical drawing courses… but I don’t have any experience and I’m nearly thirty…”

“You’re only twenty-seven!” said Kyle.

“Yeah… with a manslaughter conviction” he frowned, “Who’s gonna hire me?!”

“I have a record…” said Kyle, “…and I’m doing okay.”

“Aaron left you his trust fund!” said Josh, but he immediately regretted it. He could see the hurt so apparent on his face. “Sorry!” he said, flushing a little red, “I didn’t mean...”

“It’s okay” said Kyle. It was true. He had had it easier. $200,000 from his dead boyfriend may have come as a surprise, but he’d put it to good use. The garden centre was a thriving business.

“I just…” said Josh, “I just don’t know why someone would hire me when they could get someone who has better qualifications and more experience…” He glanced at the young boy at the table with them and tried to choose his words carefully. “Someone who didn’t… who didn’t do what I did…” He stared down at the table in a sad and shamefaced sort of way. He wouldn’t even hire himself if he was an employer!

“You have to try” said Ricky, “You can’t just accept that… Not getting to do what you really want to do!”

“It’s not that easy!” he snapped at her. His chest was starting to tighten again. Why did they have to keep pushing things?! Making him feel like even more of a loser than he already did?! ‘Maybe I should have just gone to that shelter?’ he thought, ’At least there, I could have kept to myself, and I wouldn’t have had to answer these kinds of awkward questions! I wouldn’t have to feel like I have to defend myself!’

“No, it’s not easy” said Kyle, “But what’s the alternative?”

He looked up at him and started to blink as his eyes filled with tears. He felt like he was being attacked from all sides and all he wanted was to get up and run back to his room. “I know” he said, nodding and sniffling a little, “I know… I just don’t know where to start.” He was trembling now.

“That’s what we’re here for” said Kyle, “We’ll do our best to help… but you have to try too!”

“Yeah, mate” said Ricky, “You can stay here as long as you need to… Really! …Just don’t sell yourself short.”

“Yeah, I mean… What was the point in doing those qualifications?” asked Ben, “If you’re not gonna use them?!

Josh nodded again and took another bite of his burger. He wanted to deflect the conversation if he could. Talk about something else. Anything else! …All this talk of building a future was making him feel sick! Up until a few days ago, he hadn’t really believed that he had a future. Or that there was any point in planning anything. He’d been convinced that something was going to happen, and that he wouldn’t really be released. That they’d find some way to make him serve those 28 years that he’d originally been sentenced to. Like how the ‘house always wins’ in Las Vegas, he’d be halfway out the door, and then they’d drag him back in. He was so unprepared for this world outside, this world of possibility, that he felt like his head was spinning. And Kyle and the others really weren’t helping things with all their pushing and prodding! ‘I can’t do this!’ he said to himself for the millionth time today, “I can’t ****ing do this!”

Casey had been watching intently, and hadn’t taken his eyes off him even for a moment. He’d also been tugging insistently on his mother’s sleeve to try to bring her down to his level, but she just kept shushing him. He wanted to whisper something. “Mu-um?!” he whinged, “Mu-um?!!”

“What?!” she asked, finally giving in.

“What… What’s wrong with his eye?” he asked, pointing, and whispering so loudly that everyone could hear. “Why’s it all… weird?” he asked with his nose wrinkled up.

Josh choked on his burger and began to cough and splutter. He covered his mouth with his hand. He couldn’t help laughing. It was a welcome break in the conversation and refreshingly honest.

Ricky went bright red and shot him a glance that said she was utterly mortified. Kyle gave Ben a little grimace. They hadn’t sat Casey down and talked to him about this, and they realised now that they probably should have. He tended to be quite vocal about things like this.

“Case… that’s not nice!” said Ricky, ruffling the boy’s hair, “Josh hurt his eye… and now it doesn’t…”

“This one’s just for show” said Josh, having finally swallowed his mouthful of food. He was still laughing a little. “So, don’t sneak up on me, okay?” He mimed being startled by someone approaching from the left and everyone laughed a little uneasily.

“But what happened?!” asked the boy, “Why does it look so...?”

“Shhh!” warned Ricky, “You don’t ask people those sorts of questions!”

“It’s okay” said Josh, taking a sip of his beer, “You can tell him the truth, Ricky… He needs to know.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” said Ricky, looking worried. She didn’t want Casey to know about all the violence that went on in prison. This is what she’d been afraid of when she’d agreed to Josh moving in.

“See?” he said, winking his good eye at Casey, “Your mum didn’t want you to know… but the truth is…” He could see everyone looking tense and wondering what he was going to say. “I’m a pirate!” he whispered, picking his beer up again and taking a mouthful, “I’m just on shore for a little while… and I lost my eye-patch.”

Casey looked at him very dubiously and then glanced at his mum. He was pretty sure that this was utter ‘bull****’! That was a word that he’d learnt from his Uncle Heath but he wasn’t going to say it out loud.

“It’s true, Case!” she said, with a solemn sort of nod, “We have to keep it a secret though, cos there are other pirates out there… and he’s hiding from them.” She smirked a little when she caught Josh’s eye. This was a nice way to break the ice. “So, he’s gonna stay with us and we’re gonna take good care of him.”

Casey furrowed his brow and looked back at Josh who just nodded. He was pretty sure that he was being fed a pack of lies. Pirates didn’t wear shorts and t-shirts… or walk around barefoot… and they didn’t talk like him either. Captain Jack Sparrow wouldn’t wear clothes like that! …but then again, maybe he would if he was in hiding? He looked at his two uncles for their input. “He’s not really a pirate…” he said in a tone that was half statement, half question, “Is he?”

“He is” said Ben, looking around him in a nervous sort of way. He was enjoying this. “He is… but we all need to keep our voices down… You don’t know who could be listening!” He smiled, and winked at Josh, when Casey looked away. It was sweet that the boy still believed in things like this. That he hadn’t lost his innocence and wonder just yet.

“Yeah…” said Kyle, putting on a mock worried face, “You don’t want Uncle Josh getting caught… and being made to walk the plank… do you?!”

“But…?” said Casey, as he turned back to Josh with narrowed eyes, “If he’s really a pirate… where’s his parrot? And his sword?!”

“Oh, he’s waiting for me back on the ship” said Josh, “He doesn’t like land very much… Told me so himself!” Everyone laughed, and he smiled in a shy sort of way. “And I lost my sword too… I’m not a very good pirate!” Looking around at them now, he felt his anxiety starting to wash away. They didn’t seem like such a bad bunch. Maybe living here wouldn’t be so bad?! Maybe he could do this after all?!

Casey was looking at him in a very doubting way, but there was a hint there that he hadn’t dismissed it completely. Maybe Uncle Josh really was a pirate?!

“We can go eye-patch shopping tomorrow!” laughed Ben.

Kyle looked at his watch and got to his feet. “Josh… I think you should come inside with me for a minute…” he said, “It’s nearly 4 o’clock and I’m expecting a call… I want you to be there.”

Josh looked up at him in surprise, but set his half-eaten burger down, and then got up. “What’s this about?” he asked with a notable nervousness in his voice.

“Just come with me” said Kyle, as he led the way back into the house. He pulled his phone out when they got into the livingroom and nodded for Josh to sit down on the couch. “Someone’s gonna call at 4pm… and I think it’s someone you’re gonna want to talk to.” He handed him the phone and then walked outside.

Josh just sat there with the phone in his hand and stared at the screen. It said 15.59. He wondered who was going to call him and why Kyle was being so weird about it. The time turned to 16.00 and he stared intently at the numbers. His stomach was churning now. What was this all about?!

RING RING!

He pressed the green phone icon on the screen and hesitantly held the phone to his ear. “Hello?” he said, in a cautious sort of way.

“Josh?!” said a voice at the other end, “Oh my God! Josh?!”

He started to cry. He hadn’t heard that voice in so many years. They hadn’t been allowed to contact each other as part of their sentencing conditions. Not even in paper form. As much as he hated him for ruining his chances of appeal all those years ago, and leading him on a wild goose chase, he was still his brother. His only flesh and blood… He loved him and he missed him. “Andy?!” he said, in a choked sort of way, “Is that really you?!”

“You’re really out?!” asked Andy. He sounded excited and genuinely pleased for him. He still had another 20 years to serve. “You’re free?!” he asked, “You’re really free?!”

He was crying too much to answer at first, but he looked out through the window, and thought about the fact that he could walk out that door right now and go wherever he wanted to. There were no handcuffs on his wrists, or shackles around his ankles. There were no guards with guns, or walls, or fences… No-one was going to tell him that he couldn’t do it. No-one was going to stop him.  This was freedom!

“Yeah” he said, as though he’d only just realised it himself, “I’m free.”

 

 

 

 

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