Scripts - Episode 243

THE STEWART HOUSE

CELIA walks in. ALF and AILSA are there.

CELIA

Where is she?

ALF

Where’s who?

CELIA

Morag. Isn’t she here yet?

AILSA

Why? Is she supposed to be here?

CELIA

Doris Peters saw here getting off the seaplane. Well naturally I thought she’d be coming here. Well, she certainly wouldn’t come and see me, would she?

ALF

Aw.

CELIA

She hasn’t told you she’s coming. That’s odd. She’s not the sort of person to just drop in.

ALF

Well Doris Peters probably just didn’t see her. She’s just got her wires crossed.

CELIA

On the other hand, if she’s here to make trouble she wouldn’t warn you. She’d just arrive.

AILSA

Aw, what sort of trouble?

CELIA

Well, about your baby of course.

AILSA

And why would she do that?

CELIA

Well Morag has an opinion about everything, doesn’t she? She’s sure to have an opinion on late motherhood and she’s sure not to approve.

AILSA

Maybe that’s it.

CELIA

Can you think of another reason why she’s here? I mean, can you?

AILSA

No.

ALF

Well, it probably wasn’t her. Doris Peters needs glasses.

CELIA

Oh, she wears glasses Alfred.

ALF

Well, she needs stronger glasses sis. Now we’ve got a lot of things to get ready before the wedding.

CELIA

Well, so I have. In fact I was just on my way over to the Fletchers. Oh. I’m sure Morag is here.

AILSA

Oh, is that your present for Bobby and Frank?

CELIA

Oh, it certainly is. I just hope it’s appreciated.

AILSA

I wouldn’t worry too much about Morag Celia. If she’s here she’ll turn up sooner or later.

CELIA

I’m not in the slightest bit worried about Morag and nor do I particularly want to see her, but if she’s come down to make your life difficult then I want to do everything I can to prevent her.

AILSA

Thank you Celia.

ALF

Better get a move on sis. Not long to the wedding.

CELIA

Oh, good heavens, I must go.

CELIA runs out.

AILSA

We’ll see you there.

THE BEACH

MORAG is sitting down, looking out to sea.

A FLASHBACK-THE BEACH

A young MORAG and CELIA are playing on the beach.

THE BEACH

MORAG is sitting down, looking out to sea.

A FLASHBACK-THE BEACH

A young MORAG and CELIA are playing on the beach.

THE BEACH

MORAG is sitting down, looking out to sea.

A FLASHBACK-THE BEACH

A young MORAG and CELIA are playing on the beach.

THE BEACH

MORAG is sitting down, looking out to sea.

A FLASHBACK-THE BEACH

A  young MORAG and CELIA are playing on the beach.

CELIA

Do you think she’s beautiful Morag?

MORAG

It’s just a stupid doll Celia.

CELIA

Her names Myrtle.

MORAG

It’s a stupid name and she’s stupid.

CELIA

No, she’s not.

MORAG

All dolls are stupid.

CELIA

Well, anyway, when I grow up I’m going to have lots of children and they won’t be stupid.

MORAG

I’m not. I’m not going to have any.

CELIA

Why not?

MORAG

They don’t just give them away.

THE BEACH

MORAG looks up to the sky.

CELIA’S STORE’S FLAT

FRANK is sitting at the table. STEVEN walks in.

STEVEN

All I can say is you better go through with it today. I won’t be getting the monkey suit out a third time.

FRANK

Look, I’ll be going through with it. Listen, I’ve been writing this thing for when Bobby and me exchange vows. It’s all about putting into words about how you feel about someone.

STEVEN

I bet R-rated for sure.

FRANK

Do you reckon you can have a look at it? Tell me what you think.

STEVEN reads the speech.

STEVEN

Aw.

FRANK

Is it that bad?

STEVEN

It’s worse. I mean, you need something with a bit of class.

FRANK

Such as?

STEVEN

Well, I don’t know. I mean, I could write you something if you want me to.

FRANK

What? You reckon you can say what I feel.

STEVEN

Yeah, I reckon I could have a pretty good stab at it. Well, I’ve known you long enough. I can use some of this stuff as a basis, just jazz it up.

FRANK

OK.

SUMMER BAY HOUSE

CELIA, PIPPA, TOM, FLOSS and NEVILLE are there.

CELIA

You mean they’re making up their own wedding service.

TOM

No, of course not. Just that when they are making their vows to each other they are going to right that part themselves.

CELIA

You mean that they’re not going to love honour and obey.

TOM

Aw, yeah. They’ll do that as well.

PIPPA

I think they’ll leave out the obey.

FLOSS

Yeah, that will be right. I can’t see Bobby promising to obey anyone, not even Frank.

CELIA

I though. Well I just assumed that they’d be having a traditional service.

TOM

Aw, I think it’s pretty traditional. There’s words you’ve got to say by law.

NEVILLE

Is that so?

CELIA

Aw, I don’t understand the passion these young people have for messing around with things. The service is beautiful, just as it is.

PIPPA

They’re only saying they love each other. It’s in their own words, that’s all.

CELIA

Aw, it really makes a mockery of the whole present I was going to give them.

TOM

Why? How’s that?

FLOSS

What’s the present?

CELIA

It’s a family bible. The King James Version.

TOM

Aw yeah, and how do you make out that’s a mockery?

CELIA

Well, they’ll probably want it written in the language of rock and roll.

FLOSS

Aw Celia, that’s just silly.

NEVILLE

I agree. It’s what you say, not how you say it.

FLOSS

Here, here. If they want to make special vows for each other on their wedding day, well good on them. I can’t for the life of me see what’s wrong with that.

CELIA’S STORE’S FLAT

FRANK and STEVEN sit on the couch.

FRANK

My darling Bobby. Well, that sounds wrong. When I turn to look at you on this ausp. What?

STEVEN

Auspicious day.

FRANK

My heart sings with joy. What?

STEVEN

Its class mate. Just think of class.

FRANK

This is class?

STEVEN

Yeah.

FRANK

In making these loving vows to you, my darling. There’s too much of this darling stuff.

STEVEN

Just keep going, OK.

FRANK

I pledge my soul, most faithful. I sound like I’m writing her a business letter.

STEVEN

Quit moaning. There’s not much time.

FRANK

I pledge my soul for your most faithful. What’s this word?

STEVEN

Friend. For heavens sake Frank.

FRANK

Friends and lover. And what?

STEVEN

Companion through life.

FRANK

Yeah, that last bits OK.

STEVEN

Well you’ve got to keep on ploughing through it. Saying it like you mean it.

FRANK

Well, I’m good to need a dictionary to understand half of this.

STEVEN

Well, do you want it or not? If you don’t want it, just tear it up.

FRANK

No, you’re probably right. It’s the sort of stuff they’re going to expect anyway. I’ll practise and it might be OK.

THE BEACH

MORAG sits on the beach. ALF walks up to her.

ALF

Good day sis.

MORAG

Hello Alf.

ALF

Look, I, eh, I won’t say I’m not pleased to see you, but the whole thing’s gone on far too long.  Its better that it’s out in the open, that Bobby knows where she stands.

MORAG

Oh, I see.

ALF

No matter what comes out of it.

MORAG

Alf.

ALF

Look, Ailsa and I don’t want anything to muck up the wedding so maybe it would be better if you left it for a while. I mean, you can’t just go up to her now.

MORAG

I have no intention of revealing myself to Bobby, either before the wedding or after it.

ALF

Then why the hell did you come here, on today of all days?

MORAG

I will tell you, though I don’t necessarily expect you to understand. I came here to prove to myself that I could watch that girl get married and not feel a thing.

ALF

Why do you have to prove it? You’ve already made up your mind, haven’t you?

MORAG

Yes, as I said, I didn’t expect you to understand.

ALF

Is that the only reason you came here?

MORAG

It is very important to me.

ALF

Aw, yeah, so we all know you put yourself at the top of the list. All right, all right, but I do want you to do something for me.

MORAG

What?

ALF

Take a good long look at Bobby. Keep an open mind.

MORAG

I always keep an open mind.

ALF

God, I wish you could hear yourself sometimes.

MORAG

And that’s something to motivate me Alf.

ALF

All I’m saying is don’t write the kid off. She’s come a long way.

MORAG

Really.

ALF

You can’t judge her on past performances.

MORAG

Alf, I am not interested.

ALF

Yeah, well maybe not, but I tell you what Morag if I was that kids dad and I was seeing her get married today it would make me feel very proud.

MORAG

I came here for one reason and one reason only and that is to prove to myself that I don’t care. I don’t give a damm. It’s ancient history. That girl means nothing to me.

ALF

Now, what about all the people that see you in the church, including Bobby? What are they going to think? What’s she going to think?

MORAG

They won’t have to think, because they won’t see me. I’ll slip in quietly after the ceremony’s started. They’ll all be too busy looking at the blushing bride anyway, although blushing is hardly an appropriate word from what I hear.

ALF

Aw, for gods sake.

MORAG

Well, you take my point, don’t you? Anyway nobody will notice and when it’s over I’ll just slip quietly out again and hopefully never set eyes on that wretched girl again.

MORAG walks away.

SUMMER BAY HOUSE

BOBBY opens CELIA’S present. SALLY, TOM and PIPPA are there.

CELIA

I could always return it and buy you a casserole or something.

BOBBY

Why would you want to do that?

CELIA

Well I thought you might not appreciate, I mean, you might not like it. You might prefer something else.

BOBBY

No, I like it very much.

CELIA

Are you sure?

BOBBY

Yes, it’s beautiful.

CELIA

It’s not just the cover of course, it’s the contents.

BOBBY

I realised that.

SALLY

Can I see?

CELIA

Well, the reason it’s called a family bible is there is a family tree here in the front and here is where you put all the names of your children.

BOBBY

Oh, wahl.

CELIA

And here’s where you put yours and Franks names and here is where you put the names of your parents. Oh, I’m sorry. What a silly thing to say. I just wasn’t thinking.

BOBBY

Don’t worry about it. It’s a beautiful present. We’ll treasure it. At least our kids and grandkids will know where they came from.

THE CHURCH

LANCE and MARTIN walk along outside the church.

MARTIN

What do you think now?

LANCE

Same as always. You look like something of the wedding cake.

MARTIN

You’ve got no style, that’s your problem. Never have had, never will have.

LANCE

Well if style is spending three hours getting dressed in the morning I don’t want none. Hey, if you want to know the truth I reckon you’re going to make yourself look like a dill.

MARTIN

You have no style.

LANCE

Anyway, what was the rush to get here? We’re the first ones.

MARTIN

Yeah, well I wanted to make sure I got here before Roo, eh.

LANCE

Oi, all the handy.

MARTIN

Do you think I might have a chance here?

LANCE

Not looking like buried penguin it don’t.

NEVILLE and FLOSS walk up to them.

FLOSS

Hello boys.

NEVILLE

Hi.

FLOSS

My, don’t you look smart. I didn’t know you were one of the wedding party.

LANCE

He’s not.

FLOSS

Oh. I just assumed you were one of the ushers.

NEVILLE

I still like the suit though.

FLOSS

Yeah, it’s real nice to see a young fellow making an effort. Yeah.

FLOSS and NEVILLE walk in.

LANCE

See.

MARTIN

See what? They’re just a couple of oldies. What would they know? I’ll just wait till Roo gets here. She’ll be impressed. Roo appreciates a man with a bit of flair.

LANCE

I tell you what mate, I wouldn’t be on it. Not in that outfit.

MARTIN

You’ve got no idea mate, no idea at all.

MARTIN walks away.

THE STEWART HOUSE

ALF and MORAG walk in. AILSA is there.

AILSA

Hello Morag.

MORAG

Ailsa. I suppose you’re also expecting great revelations.

ALF

We’ve given up expecting anything. Morag’s just here to see Morag get married, like watching some circus and then she’s off again.

AILSA

I see.

ALF

I’ve had a gutful of this so I’m going to go and get ready for the wedding.

ALF walks out.

MORAG

Well I can’t say I’m thankful to Alfred for telling you the sordid history. In fact I’m disgusted he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. I suppose I should be grateful to you.

AILSA

Why’s that?

MORAG

Being discrete about it.

AILSA

What did you expect me to do? Announce it to the world.

MORAG

Oh, I thought you might have made a bit of capital out of it, yes, but as I say, I’m grateful you didn’t.

AILSA

Think nothing of it Morag.

MORAG

Oh. I brought you a present for the baby.

AILSA

Thank you.

MORAG

Well I had to have an official reason for coming here.

AILSA

Of course.

MORAG

I hope you don’t think it’s a token of my approval though.

AILSA

I wouldn’t think that.

MORAG

Because it is quite beyond me.

AILSA

What is?

MORAG

Not only do you encumber Alfred with this ridiculous marriage, it’s now entirely possible you’re going to land him up with a disabled child.

AILSA

Oh, you’ve researched that have you? You’re sure of your facts.

MORAG

I know the statistical likelihood, yes.

AILSA

And you’re absolutely convinced that the very worst will happen.

MORAG

I don’t understand you. A woman of your age. I would have thought you would have had more sense by now to make sure accidents don’t happen.

AILSA

Haven’t you ever wondered Morag whether people might not prefer you to keep your opinions to yourself.

MORAG

Well, I’m sure they might, but I never did see why I should resort to needless euphemising.

AILSA

Aw, of course not. Indeed, why should you, but if something does go wrong and if by some chance I do happen to have a disabled child at least I’ll love it and care for it and see it through life.

MORAG

Unlike me. Is that what you’re saying?

AILSA

Unlike you. Thank you very much for your present. I’ll make sure that everybody knows that’s why you came to town. If you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready too.

AILSA walks out. ROO walks in.

ROO

Auntie Morag, what are you doing here?

AILSA

You’re aunt brought a present for the baby.

ROO

What baby?

ROO and MORAG hug.

ROO

Oh, you’re getting in early.

MORAG

Well, why not?

ROO

Well, how long are you here for? We’ve got to go to the church in a minute. Can you wait till we get back?

MORAG

Well, I’d like to darling, but I’m afraid I can’t. I’ve arranged to go back on the next seaplane.

ROO

Aw. Oh well.

MORAG

Well, I guess my timing was a bit out, wasn’t it?

THE CHURCH

MARTIN stands outside the church. LANCE walks out. The car carrying the Stewarts stops outside the church gates. ROO, ALF and AILSA get out.

ALF

You going to be all right?

ROO

How do you mean?

ALF

Well I’ve been giving it a bit of thought and it is Frank getting married after all.

ROO

Same place, different girl.

ALF

Yeah.

ROO

Can’t say I’ve been looking forward to it.

ALF

Well, if you reckon you can’t handle it.

ROO

No, it’s not going to be easy, I know that, but I’ll be all right, I’ll be fine.

ROO walks in the gates. ALF and AILSA watch her. MARTIN and LANCE walk towards ROO.

MARTIN

Hello Roo.

ROO

Hi Martin. I didn’t know you were in the wedding party.

MARTIN

I’m an usher.

ROO

Oh, that’s nice.

LANCE

No idea, no idea.

ROO walks in followed by MARTIN. AILSA and ALF follow.

ROO

I think someone’s getting ideas again. Must be because he’s not seeing any more.

ALF

Hey Don.

They sit in front of DON and CELIA.

DON

Hello Alf.

CELIA

Where’s my handkerchief? I’ve been so rushed today.

DON hands CELIA his.

CELIA

Oh, thank you Donald. I’m afraid I still need a handkerchief for a wedding.

ROO

I’m just going to have to make it clear that I’m not interested.

AILSA

Well, break it too him gently. Don’t hurt him, eh. He’s a bit of a clown, but his hearts in the right place.

SUMMER BAY HOUSE

BOBBY walks into the living room and wanders around. CARLY follows her in.

CARLY

Come on Bobby. It’s time.

BOBBY

What?

CARLY

Time to do the big number.

BOBBY

Aw, yeah, right.

CARLY

Hey, look. If anyone’s going to have any problems today it’s me, not you, except I keep telling myself I won’t have any problems.

BOBBY

Well, you’re right.

CARLY

You think so.

BOBBY

Yeah, you’ll be fine, unless you tread on my dress in which case you’ll get a punch in the mouth.

CARLY

Get a move on Sal or we’ll be late.

PIPPA walks in and puts something around BOBBY’S dress.

PIPPA

Careful, we don’t want any ripped seams at this late stage.

BOBBY

Hey, are you implying I’ve put on weight.

PIPPA

Never.

SALLY walks in.

PIPPA

You look beautiful, just beautiful.

CARLY

Hey, come on. You’re not going to cry now are you? Got to wait for the wedding.

PIPPA

I’m allowed aren’t I? And, I tell you something else, there’s only one thing today that could make me even prouder. That’s if I really were your mother.

THE CHURCH

FRANK and STEVEN stand at the top of the aisle. SALLY and CARLY walk in followed by TOM and BOBBY. The REVEREND stands facing the church.

REVEREND

My friends, it gives me great pleasure to welcome you all here today and I shall ask you to note that the bride and groom have asked for several changes in the order of service so that they may express their devotion to each other in their own words, a proceeding which I heartily endorse.

CELIA

I don’t.

DON

Oh, for heavens sake Celia. Loosen up.

REVEREND

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the presence of god to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honourable state of life, instituted from the beginning by god himself.

MORAG is outside. She begins to walk into the church.

FRANK

My darling Bobby, when I turn to look at you on this auspicious day my heart. My darling Bobby, when I look at you today, my heart sings with joy. No, look. I had something written here, but it’s not really what I want to say.

MORAG sits at the back of the church. MARTIN spots her.

FRANK

All I want to say is I love you, I honour you and I always will. I just can’t believe that I’d be lucky enough for you to want to marry me.

BOBBY

How can I top that? All I want to say is that goes double for me.

REVEREND

Well, I require and charge both, as you stand in the presence of god to remember that love and loyalty alone will lay the foundation for a happy and enduring marriage.

MORAG walks out.

REVEREND

No other human ties are as tender. No other vows are as sacred as those you now assume and if these solemn vows be kept, your life will be full of joy and the home you establish will abide in peace.

MORAG walks along outside the church crying.

REVEREND

Now, repeat after me. I call upon these peoples here present to witness that I Roberta Simpson.

BOBBY

I call upon these peoples here present to witness that I Roberta Simpson.

REVEREND

To take thee Frank to be my lawful wedded husband.

BOBBY

To take thee Frank to be my lawful wedded husband.

REVEREND

To have and to hold from this day forward.

BOBBY

To have and to hold from this day forward.

REVEREND

For better, for worse.

BOBBY

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part, according to gods holy law and thereto I give you my trust.